"Nobody asked you hippie!" the axe snapped back. "Get a haircut! And a job! And another haircut! Where's that soda!?"

"Besides, you can't give me splinters. My ki is too high for you to harm me."

A dreadlocked character, who was sitting with his back against the tree trunk, lifted his bloodshot eyes at this remark to look at the passing group.

"Ah, dem Babylon rude boy wit deyr know tink dat dey iya man dan Bredren, make yuh tink dat 'ki' an all. I and I don tink dat, brodda, Irator know bettah." He looked up to face the group, slouching slightly, the smell of cannabis surrounding him. "Respect mon."

"Yeah, I don't need any of those. My hair's very short and I work as a ranchhand on the side. Now, if you don't want to look at my backside for the rest of this, I suggest you keep your mouth shut!"

"Didn't you hear the hobo?" the axe snapped. "Let me translate. Yeesh. 'You're just a tool for the man, maaaaan. You think you're better than me and my buddies just because your 'ki' junk is like, totally better than the oneness with the big guy. But the Big Guy knows better. No respect. No respect at all.'"

The axe paused allowing the words to soak in. "Those are words from the WISE. This is the cornerstone of your life to become something great. Someone important. Someone like Dick Van Dyke. Now get me a soda!"

Ignoring the axe's requests for soda, the courageous band continued on into the trees. It was a dark and stormy night, and the wind lashed the treetops into a frenzy, driving gusts of rain into eyes and generally making for a damp and unpleasant atmosphere. Quickly sobering up, most of the former tavern patrons sloped off home, deciding to tackle gnome hunting some other day when the weather wasn't quite as miserable. A few hardy souls battled on against the elements, though, and shortly came to a clearing in the trees.

"Right, everyone quiet! We need to follow the sound of Saria playing to reach the temple!"

"I thought it was up left down left?"

"Up? What, you mean straight up?"

"Well, north, you know..."

"Has anyone got a compass?"

Lost in their bickerings, no one noticed the glowing eyes that were slowly surrounding them...

Shadow growled at the ignorance of his random followers; even he couldn't hear Saria's playing with all of their yelling. He turned to Showsni and said, "Remind me why they're here again?"

He looked around, peeking through logs until he found the one that lead back out. If he recalled, starting from there, the first log to head through was the one to the right. Hoping to ditch his followers so he could hear the song more easily, he went in. He wasn't sure about it, but the Lost Woods seemed... stranger than usual. Like he was being watched. He drew his sword and kept it at the ready as he proceeded through the log...

"Nick! NIIIIIICK!" the axe hissed. "That guy is trying to steal our kill! Quick! Through the log!"

Angstopoles pondered the eternal fate of his murdered family as a cool breeze passed through is luxurious, womanly hair. Tracing a tear, he ran a finger down his face. It was as smooth as the day he was born. Not even a hint of stubble. Carefully, he smoothed his kimono and began his daily exercises, taking care to pose dramatically.

He felt his ki level up.

"I finally feel at peace, after all these years."

Then some doofus came crashing through the log. His peace was shattered, intruders were marching into his secluded glen, stomping on the grass and chasing the butterflies away. Still, the cloud of brightly colored insects, even in their torment, was beautiful. Beautiful like his sister, who was brutally --- no, he couldn't dwell on it, couldn't relive that horrible day, couldn't let his mind replay what he had seen. Better to ignore the past, so that he could finally be free.

"Who are you, that comes crashing through my log?" he asked the intruders. "And would you care to stay for tea?"

This post has been edited by SteveT: May 16 2008, 08:42 PM

"We come for the gnome!" the axe declared. "But we will stay for tea. Nicky-boy, fetch me my bib."

Angstopoles closed his eyes as the teapot howled. It reminded him of the dog he had a child. Milo was his name, and the dog was some of Angstopoles' fondest memories...perhaps all of them. Smart, loyal, obedient -- Milo could do tricks that other dogs never even dreamed of. If only he had lived longer, Milo would have finally won that thirty-seventh gold medal.

But that, too, was in the past.

Carefully, Angstopoles poured the tea, narrowly avoiding staining his sleeves.

"A gnome, you say? I knew a gnome once. He was my roommate in university. An unpleasant fellow, always leaping out of paintings and drinking all my beer...but I haven't seen a gnome here. Not since I burned all my paintings, because they reminded me too much of my tormented past."

"You have no right to give me orders! Besides, I doubt he could get there before I could." Quicly taking out his ocarina, Nick played the Minuet of Forest. In the next instant, bot him and the axe disappeared in a green light and reappeared right on front of the Forest Temple

Shadow turned around in a hurry when he heard that song, but was blinded by the green light for a brief moment. When his eyesight returned, Nick and the talking axe were flying off in that light. His eyes narrowed. "Something interesting finally happens in the forest, and they intend to beat me to the punch?" he muttered. He then turned to Angstopoles and said, "I apologize for our rude intrusion. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

With that, Shadow turned in the appropriate direction and started running. Perhaps he didn't have the magic power to teleport, but he was still one of the fastest beings in the Woods. And without the constant argument of that axe, he could hear Saria's Song much more easily. One by one he weaved through the logs, both dodging and ignoring any more log dwellers despite their complaints, until eventually he found himself at the gate... to find its guardian already slain. The guard Wolfos was decapitated before he arrived... curious, but undetering. He ran through the hedge maze, eventually finding the way through -- along with a bunch more killed monsters -- until he arrived at the Forest Temple. He saw Nick on the ground, presumably without a way in.

"Two people -- three counting the loudmouth weapon -- will find the gnome faster than one."

"OH GOD! I'M BEING ABDUCTED! RAPE! RAPE!" the axe cried. Of course they then reappeared in front of the Forest Temple. "Oh alright. Proceed."

Angstopoles turned his back on the heathens invading his home, trying to find a coaster. He hated when guests left rings on his table, hated it more than the day his little brother fell out of a tree and his mother nearly fainted, totally forgetting to give him his allowance.

When he turned around, they were gone. "But..." he choked. "But...they would have been my friends! No one ever stays for tea. Why do I even try to make friends with people?"

"Ahhh, it's been a while since I've been here." he said before leaping all the way to the top of the broken staircase

"You didn't tell me you were Michael Jordan," the axe said ruefully. "Usually people have to climb stuff like that."

"Well, I do call that rude, don't you?"

"Definitely. Taking off without so much as a by your leave!"

"Why don't we stop for a tea break?"

Showsni stood a little apart from the tavern rabble, most of whom seemed to have decided to stop for tea. Deciding he didn't really want tea unless there were at least four teaspoons of sugar involved, he set out through the woods alone. The night was overcast, but luckily his night vision was generally pretty good, and he had no trouble avoiding the spreading tree branches. Most of the forest floor was clear here, and the trees not too close together. Before long he reached the clearing known as the Sacred Forest Meadow.

"Well, sometimes it's beneficial to be part human."

"Or not human at all, whatever you prefer." Shadow said after landing beside Nick and the axe, having made the same jump.

Showsni craned his head back.

"Um, either of you got a rope?"

"I've got psychokinesis. How's that?"

"Stand aside, foolish mortals!" shouted a charming, handsome, and entirely mesmerizing man. "Psychokinesis? How droll."

Lord Utility gave a condescending smile. A single photon struck his left canine, and the reflection blinded everyone present.

"Oh, silly me," he said. He waved his hands, and everyone could suddenly see again. "You merely blink, don't worry," he lied with a chuckle. It was so hard not to believe him...

"In any event, why use psychokinesis OR a rope, when I can do...THIS!" Lord Utility snapped, and the thunderous impact of his fingers deafened everyone present. "Ha ha!" he said (though know one could hear him). "I've done it again." He winked, and everyone could suddenly hear again. "As I was saying, behold this piece of string that I have summoned. Touch it, and you will INSTANTANEOUSLY teleport to wherever you want to go."

"Can I teleport into a better RP?" the axe asked

"But of course!" said Lord Utility, his charisma so powerful that it turned a nearby rabbit into a miniature Incredible Hulk.

"Let us all tell each other the story of how my grandfather saved civilization."


=============

It started hundreds of years ago, and Grandpa Cliff was sitting in a tavern. And wouldn't you know, but a gnome came running through! He was carrying a bag, which must've been holding something important. So what was there to do except chase him?

Cliff finished his beer and made for the door.

This post has been edited by SteveT: May 20 2008, 09:58 PM

The gnome snickered at how successfully successful he had been. Grandpa Cliff had long been his arch-rival in all things that involved having a rival and architecture. He had stolen the Staff of MacGuffin. He knew of course that Grandpa Cliff could never stop him. Or... could he?

Also sitting in the bar was a beautiful woman named Mary Stu. She looked just like Zelda, only prettier and with cat ears and bigger breasts and battle armor. But more or less the same. When she saw the gnome run by, she quirked a curious eyebrow. Who was this gnome with that mysterious object? Why was she even interested? When would there finally be someone who understood the inner pain that had cursed her since her tragic childhood ever since her parents died?

She stirred slightly in the shadows, hoping that someone would notice her... but also hoping she would be left alone. A single tear fell from her eye.

Grandpa Cliff nearly made it to the door, but alas! The barkeep had installed a mirror. He caught a glimpse of Mary Stu and forgot all about the gnome. He turned around, ordered two vodka martinis, and approached the girl.

"Why hello there," he said. Then he remembered the gnome. "Oh, crap! I forgot about the real plot. I have to save civilization. You better come with me, girlie!" He ran toward the door again.

Mary Stu's cheeks flushed red when she saw the older, handsome gentleman coming to talk to her. In truth she didn't want to talk to anyone, yet was grateful he was talking to her anyways. But before she could accept the vodka martini, she had been whisked off into another adventure!

"Oh kind sir!" Mary Stu cried, "to what adventure do we go to?"

"There's this gnome, and he was running, and he probably has something im--" Grandpa Cliff started coughing. His lungs never were very good. "It's all very complicated and he's probably heading into the Sacred Forest Meadow. You better come with me, and you also better have lots and lots of useful powers or I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"Kind sir! I have many powers!" she said as she stopped him. She pulled out a Apple laptop and set it on a tree trunk. Then she opened up a slideshow that demonstrated her powers of unspecified magic, telepathy, invisibility, super sight and hearing, empathy, levitation, and computer hacking. But she sighed as she ended the slideshow. "But alas, those are the only powers I have. For the one true power I seek... is love. I fear I shall never find it..."

"Well, I am highly impressed by your abilities. You will make a very useful sidekick," said Grandpa Cliff. "But I've got you beat. I can yodel better than Samuel L. Jackson. Beat that, I dare you!"

Grandpa Cliff didn't wait for a response. "We need to get going."

He ran outside, looking for a gnome. He looked right, then left, then right again, and -- there he was! The gnome was leaning against a street lamp, impatiently tapping his foot and staring at his watch.

"You there!" he shouted. "Come back, villain!"