While Grandpa Cliff confronted the evil gnome, Mary Stu had burst into tears. It was true after all. Her yodeling abilities were nothing compared to even the most modest of mountain climbers. She fell to her knees in a pitiful crying heap. "Oh it's true! I am useless! I'm so sorry! I should have stayed behind!"

The gnome climbed up the street lamp and hopped onto the nearest building, carrying the mysterious sack with him. Grandpa Cliff took two steps forward, and then he heard it.

The awful crying. The damsel in distress. "Bu-- dah---je--" he sputtered, looking back and forth between the gnome (who was busy unfolding a lawn chair) and the crying girl. He had to admit, this was teh most emotionally wrecking display of feminine weakness that he had ever seen. The gnome could wait.

"Please don't cry," he said. "I'm not THAT great at yodeling. You can still be my trusty sidekick..."

"No! I am not even fit to sidekick!" Mary Stu continued to say while she wallowed. Then with sparkling tear-filled eyes, she looked up at Grandpa Cliff and took his hand. "But... perhaps... you could... teach me to yodel?"

Grandpa Cliff closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He looked up toward the gnome, who was now reading a book. That gnome might escape if I stop to console this poor girl. But what's more important?

"Come on," he said, turning to the girl. "We'd better get you some wooden shoes. I'll take you to my yodeling dojo."

"You... you would do that for me...?" Mary gasped. She then stood and flung her arms around Grandpa Cliff and gave him a passionate kiss, with her heel raising up in the embrace. After their lips parted, she looked into his eyes and asked the one question that weighed greatly on her mind. "What's your name anyways?"

The words were on the tip of his tongue (and consequently on the tip of the girl's tongue). "Grandpa Cliff!"


....shouted Lord Utility. "There's a gnome with something important running away from the bar."

"I give this job to you, Lord Utility," said Grandpa Cliff. "I have...something more important to take care of. Someone more important."

Everyone on the street applauded as Grandpa Cliff carried Mary Stu to the shoe store.

====================


"And so it's obvious," said Lord Utility, "that Grandpa Cliff saved civilization by asking me to stop this gnome."

The axe gasped as he heard the end of the story. "It's... so beautiful...." the axe said, shedding tears that didn't actually exist. "That was a much better RP than this."

Mark still sat on the stump where he was passing the time playing his ocarina, which he had dropped at the appearance of Lord Utility. He gave a start when the story ended and saw his surroundings as if he had forgotten he was there. Wiping drool from his chin, and donning a jet-pack, he flew to the top of the broken staircase and asked the axe-a talking axe would have to be the one in charge of this odd group- "What in the name of sausage is going on here? Here I was, playing the ocarina when a bunch of people randomly show up!"

"It definitely sounds like a much more interesting RP than this one turned out to be...."

"Let's all stand around talking about this RP while we stand outside the dungeon that will actually make this quest interesting," the axe snapped. "That is such a better idea. Yes. Let's do that."

Then he remembered the sausage man. And said nothing. It was his way. And it had served him throughout his entire existence from when he was first crafted in a overseas factory two months ago.

This post has been edited by Masamune: May 21 2008, 02:44 PM

Suddenly, Nick turned toward the doorway.
"That's odd. I sense something that I know I've slain the last time I was on an adventure...."

"Is it Obi Wan?" the axe asked. "I bet it's Obi Wan. Damn jedi hobo. He's always pulling this kind of thing. I'm pissed off now. Let's go kill him."

"No. It's............an evil dragon...."

"Dragons sound better than listening to an old man's stories." Shadow said, walking past Nick and into the dungeon. "Contrary to Utility's, most of them suck anyway."

Not particularly caring about the adventures of Grandpa Cliff and Mary Stu, Showsni had taken the opportunity provided by the flashback to leave the woods, head to Kakariko village, unearth a tomb, defeat a ghost in a race, obtain the hookshot, and return, just as the story was ending. Aiming carefully at an overhanging tree branch, he pulled the trigger. The resulting recoil sent him flying two metres backwards, as a wickedly sharp grappling hook shot from the other end of the device, missing the branch entirely and burying itself in the nearby foliage, before the chain connecting it to the handle snapped taut, wrenching the hookshot in twain and sending bits of broken, razor sharp chain flying in all directions.

Showsni sighed, then climbed a tree and jumped to the temple doorway.

Somewhat put-off by the lack of response from the 'talking' axe, Mark turned to one of the other people there, who looked like some evil Link, and asked.

"Can you tell me what's going on?"

Instead of an answer, though all Mark got was a cold shoulder as Shadow walked into the dungeon.

"What am I, fried potatoes?" he asked, looking around and seeing nobody looking at him.

Somewhat more put-off, he let out an irritated sigh and followed Shadow into the dungeon.

This post has been edited by CID Farwin: May 21 2008, 07:30 PM

Shadow turned to Mark, seeing no harm in telling him. "Supposedly there is some evil gnome and possibly an evil dragon in here, both of which have to be dealt with. You can come along if you like, but don't slow me down..." he explained before continuing on.

This post has been edited by Shadow_Link: May 21 2008, 07:47 PM

"And don't slow me down!" the axe cried. "Because I cut people! I'm not even kidding!"

"Don't even try to slow me down," said Lord Utility. "Because if you do, I'll just slow down time to even things out."

"Heh, it doesn't matter whether or not you slow me down. I'll just simply teleport myself ahead."

When Nick finished teleporting, Lord Utility was standing right in front of him.

"Slowb."


[slowb: one who is slow]

This post has been edited by SteveT: May 21 2008, 10:14 PM

"I'm getting old waiting for this gnome," the axe complained. "Lord Utility! What did this gnome have in your grandpa's story?"

"I believe it was called the Staff of MacGuffin. It has the power to advance plots without giving any specifics."

"The Staff of MacGuffin!?" the axe cried. He then turned away dramatically as a nonexistent tear fell from its nonexistent eye. "That staff... is my father...!"

"--your father" said Lord Utility. "Raise your hand if you knew along."

Lord Utility raised his hand. Suddenly, the room smelled of roses.

"Anyway, we need to work on murdering monsters. I'm fairly certain that the dragon Nick never finished killing is busy feeding on teh corpse of the Red-Eyes Green-Face Uber-Czar Elder Dragon that I hypnotized into committing suicide this morning.

"From three miles away."

This post has been edited by SteveT: May 21 2008, 10:21 PM

[And when, prey tell, did this happen?]

"Well all right then! If we're going to go slay monsters, let's get to it!"

Mark's words were lost as everyone started talking at once about not slowing them down. During the useless conversation Mark got bored and managed to kill a spider, collect some weird medallion that looked like its head, find a key on a tree branch, and unlock the first door. He stopped a moment before opening the door to say

"Yeah, I guess I might slow you guys down, so while you all have fun bantering on like old women I'm going to go kill stuff. Anyone coming?"

And without waiting went through the door to some RP action, mumbling something about boring RP dialogue.

This post has been edited by CID Farwin: May 22 2008, 04:02 PM

"Lord Utility has betrayed us!" the axe cried. "Treachery! He's made you teleport when you only said you would! Quick! Hit him with me!"

Shadow growled in frustration. "It appears that Mark is the only one who wants to get anything done around here!" he said to no one in particular, following him through the door... and then finding their path blocked by a massive spider creature that had descended on its thread in an attempt to land on top of them; a very unstable thread, unfortunately for the creature. It twisted around and exposed its back, which Shadow struck down in one clean swing of his sword.

The next room was... well massive. Balconies and stairs strewn along the outside of the large room, and what appeared to be some kind of indoor patio in the middle with four torches, each with a different colour. Then all of the sudden, a swarm of white things flew in through the walls, screaming and cackling in a cacophony of noise; ghosts, probably. While covering his ears from the horrid noise, he noticed that four particular, elegantly-dressed ghosts had literally eaten the flames fro mthe torches and disappeared back into the walls. The rest of the ghosts followed suit. The "patio" sunk into the ground, denying anyone access.

"...What the hell just happened?"

"I've got a better idea." The swordsman's hair turned golden-yellow and he only tapped his shoulder, which sent Lord Utility into the nearest column and a few stonework walls.
'I wasn't even at full strength, so consider yourself lucky.' he told him telepathically