The EVILS™
The flagship gaming console of Vorpalsoft. It's an acronym, and stands for Extreme Vorpalsoft Interactice Laserdisc System. It made much money for Vorpalsoft, but the company was ruined after the lackluster performace of the EVILS 2.
Official PR piece[edit]
Vorpalsoft Inc. today announced details of it's brand-new gaming platform, codenamed: The Extreme Vorpalsoft Interactive Laserdisc System (or The EVILS for short.)
Unlike Vorpalsoft's competitor, Nichibutsu, pictures of The EVILS have been released and are available at Vorpalsoft's website, which Nichibutsu does not have either. According to Vorpalsoft company extimates The EVILS, which should release in Q2 of 2004, just in time for the Summer break season when kids will not be distracted from homework and such.
"We're a family company," says President Vorpal, "We know that many parents don't want their children being distracted by video games during the fall and winter seasons when school starts. So we, unlike Nichibutsu, have decided to accomidate parents requests, while all Nichi looks for is profit, profit, PROFIT! We believe we can please parents as well eek out a slight income to keep our company afloat."
Vorpalsoft also released several details for The EVILS including:
-4 wireless controllers (decks are so cumbersome) -Ability to play the little used Laserdisc format(Remember Dragon Lair from your youth? Expect more of that gaming goodness) Deciding to take a unique approach to gaming consoles rather than the rather uncreative Nichibutsu team -Connectivity appliances that matter, like the fridge, microwave, and toilet (you'll never have to leave your living room again) -An astounding 257-bit graphic engine, ultra-cool sound, and a better processor than the N.I.C.H.E. -CD-slot for memory. The Memory mini-CD will be sold with the game and will boast, according to one developer, "the memory capacity of 2,000 Memory Cards." or approximately 1/2 Vorpals. -A sleek design that is not blocked by unnessecary and rarely used add-ons -both Online and LAN capabilities
To players of all walks of life (not just striped people) who will undoubtedly be astonished at Vorpalsofts's unveiling of such a bold gaming package.
"By the use of Laserdiscs," said one Vorpalsoft employee, "we can deliver games much cheaper than the competition, and gamers can feel as if they have a bigger game by getting a 30 disc game that would compare to a puny 1 disc game on the N.I.C.H.E."
Vorpalsoft also proudly announces that The EVILS will be "even easier and more convenient for developers to actually make stuff on this than on the N.I.C.H.E."
Vorpalsoft has released several details on it's controller for The EVILS, which is also included on the company website (visit today!)
"Those freakin' Nichi guys don't know what they're up against," said Vorpalsoft janitor, "I've seen trash come out of Vorpalsoft that looks better than the best stuff Nichibutsu is pushin' out."
The EVILS line-up will be revealed at the upcoming E4, but President Vorpal did promise that it would include games much better than anything anybody else could ever produce... ever.
Vorpalsoft Inc. is an American company, that promises not to sneak attack Hawaii. Other companies that have ties to Japan, like another unnamed software company who has not made such a promise, may betray you one day.