Story:MMEDDP3 Chapter 4

Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik 3: Very Foreign Policy

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Ditto McCloaker

~The long night wears on. On the other side of Washington D.C., Ditto, PWD, and all the other Nintendo characters are sitting in the back of the Presidential limo~ PW Deeson: Ummm... Not to question your eternal wisdom, oh your great and tend-to-snap-at-me-ness , but... where are we going?

Ditto: *smooth* Oh, I've already arranged for that new building for the Nintendo characters. Oh look! We're here!

*The limo pulls over in a bad part of Washington*

Ditto: Okay, get out.

PWD: *shaking* I'm scared. There are street toughs out there.

Ditto: I'm putting you where the people are. You see, I'm giving your bunch their very own third section of Congress!

PWD: When did this happen?

Ditto: I just signed the bill this morning.

PWD: I don't remember any third-house-of-Congress bill passing through Cong-

*PWD is grabbed from behind*

PWD: AAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!

Ditto: *smooth* Relax. It's just the Secret Service Agent I've assigned him to protect you and your bunch. Say hi, Icepick.

Icepick: ....

*PWD shakes*

Ditto: Escort them to the door of their Chamber, Icepick.

*Icepick grabs the shaking PWD in one hand, and carries him and all the Nintendo characters under this arm to the door*

PWD: But... this is just a run-down, dingy warehouse on the bank of the Potomac. In fact, it's balanced precariously on the edge of the riverbank.

Ditto: *sarcastic* Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you Independence Hall. I did the best I could, and this is how you repay me. I'm hurt. *sulks*

PWD: I'm sorry. *puts an arm on Ditto's shoulder* I didn't mean to. It's a fixer-upper. A few coats of paint, a painting or two-

Ditto: Yeah, yeah, you do that. Escort them in, Icepick.

*Icepick throws all of PWD's Nintendo characters into the warehouse and slams the door.*

PWD: Ummm... so what is this third Branch of Congress called?

Ditto: *getting in limo* What? Oh, um... the, uh... House of... uh, Plurality! Yeah!

PWD: Um, what issues do they get to vote on?

Ditto: HuH? Oh, um, well, your friends have the last say on all issues pertaining to... um... the Interior! Yeah. Any bill that fails to recieve addendum in the moratorium period in the fiduciary circum strata, recieving a majority in either House of Congress without recognition in the opposite House, within the 3rd week of session, falling after the sixth day of Lent, except on a Leap year, shall be brought before the House of Plurality, to be assigned to a 2-year Committe of Investigation, shall then be submitted to a vote, requiring a four-thirds majority or a special minority requiring affirmation by the six appointed heads of each field of classification with regard to reallocations of federal resources on the infrastructure. Of course, this excludes any bills relating to budget, defense, appropriations, domestic policy, foreign affairs, or lawmaking. Got it?

PWD: Ummm...

Ditto: Surely someone of your intelligence understood all that.

PWD: Oh... of course. *looks around nervously*

Ditto: You must feel honored. It's all because of your efforts that your friends get this kind of treatment.

PWD: Yes... honored. Ummm... but isn't this location kind of... public?

Ditto: *pulls PWD into the Limo* Don't worry. The House of Plurality's business will all be conducted in closed session, so that they can all speak freely, without fear of public disfavor. Icepick will make sure no one gets in... or out.

PWD: That's... teriffic.

Ditto: Thanks. I can safely say this is the smartest thing I've done since I've been in office. I can't describe to you how much I anticipate this. I can safely say, this is the beginning of a New Era in national peace and prosperity.

PWD: And it's all because of me?

Ditto: Er, yeah. If you hadn't been here, this never would have been done.

*Pulls PWD into the limo and they drive off. As they leave, Icepick salutes, and then walks casually over to the building. He blows on it, and it tumbles into the Potomac River and floats away*

~Inside the limo~

PWD: Wow. What a day it's been.

Ditto: Yup.

*phone rings*

Ditto: Now, what's this all about? Sigh, a President's job is never done.

*he picks up the phone*

Ditto: Yes?

Flutter: President Ditto?!

Ditto: Yes Flutter?

Flutter: I'm being committed!!

Ditto: Look, Flutter, I know how hard you work, but I just can't give you a raise. It's not in the budget.

~Shows Flutter in a straightjacket in a hallway of a mental hospital. He's talking into a phone he's knocked over~

Flutter: Help me! Your Administration is in danger!

Ditto: All right, Flutter. I know how much you wanted to take that trip, but I can't do it. Good night.

*hangs up*

Flutter: Ditto! DITTO!

*some men in white coats come around the corner*

Personnel: So, there you are! Time to take your temperature!

Personnel 2: Think warm thoughts, turtle.

Vorpal

lol

Luigi of the Pipes

*Luigi and Slort lay on the grass outside of the White House.*

Luigi: If that termite guy so much as touches my cameras, I'll kill him when he comes out.

*Slort mutters a couple words.*

Luigi: They moved Goombario too? Dangit! I didn't even get to meet him! Remind me to visit that place where Ditto put him.

*Slort nods.*

Luigi: ~Sigh~, just like our first night in Washington. Sleepin' on a bench with a newspaper or two for cover...

*Slort frowns.*

Luigi: Okay, so I got the newspapers and you had to sleep in the cardboard box. That's not that different.

*Luigi glares up into the night sky, then at the White House.*

Luigi: I wonder what he's doing in there...

*Luigi hops up and walks for the entrance. Slort yells something, but Luigi ignores the comment and walks inside.*

Ditto McCloaker

All right... GET TO WORK, PEOPLE!!!

Ditto McCloaker

BTW, Vorpal. I'm in the middle of a debate with Lenin (the Communist guy) on the Misc. Board. The topic is "To My Fellow Americans," and we're discussing the Constitution. Apparently, I'm the only one who supports Democracy. I can support the U.S. on my shoulders, I guess, but if you want to come and help support your country, I'd enjoy the backup.

It's a down-to-earth, rational debate, so we have to keep it civil. Don't sound too threatening, or you'll jinx it up.

~UNCLE DITTO WANTS YOU!~

Vorpal

Picketers outside the White House: Get out Bush! Gore One the Vote! Get out Bush! Gore on the Vote!

Ditto: *looking outside* ~sigh~~ they didn't even know the real President and yet they're still protesting.

Bob Dole: Bob Dole says, that if you had voted for Bob Dole in 1996, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Ditto: What are you doing in my house?

Bob Dole: Bob Dole shimmied up one of the columns and swung into an open window. That's what Bob Dole did. Cause Bob Dole...

Ditto: Get out!!!

Bob Dole: *sniff*

Masamune

*A mysterious-yet-not-quite-mysterious person enters*

???: Ho ho, I see there are big plans on the way for the White house... I want in.

Masa: Uhh...

???: *he steps in, very large body dressed in fine black suit with a small white rodent like head* With how close you are to getting there, you will need my genius to get there!

*A little mouse in his pocket emits a 'Narf!' sound*

Mura: *looks at Masa* Oooookay, enough WB references.

Sapphire

Sapphire: ..My, there have been some serious changes here, no?

Ditto: I guess you can say that. Where have you been?

Sapphire: I...er... took a little side trip to Japan.

Ditto: What? When was this?

Sapphire: When I no longer became an integral character. *shrugs* Besides, you seem to be doing fine with your new vice president. I looked in on him earlier, he was reading comics and having tea with Hellary..

Ditto: You went to Japan?!

Sapphire: Just a little investigative mission, even though, of course it was fake and Japan hadn't been involved at all.

Ditto: You went to Japan?!

Sapphire: Calm down! You seem to be handling things here. Have you solved the currency problem yet?

Ditto: I don't think we ever did. Now with Vorpal missing and me as President, that's something that I should attend to!

Sapphire: One more quesiton Mr. President, and then I'll be on my way. Am I still technically first lady?

Ditto: Hmm... I guess you're still First Lady by default.

Voice: Curses!

Ditto: Huh?

Sapphire: Chillsea Clintin'! I thought you were confined to your room?

Chillsea: Oh, mommy's over that. It's time for me to get more creative.

Sapphire: Maybe your dad needs help flipping burgers.

Chillsea: Hmmph! *leaves*

Ditto: ..That was strange.

---

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia...

Vorpal: *watching TV* Yeah! We never did figure out what to do about the currency bit!

Sodarn Insane: AHA! Unsolved crisis from the administration beforehand! How will Ditto clean up this mess?

Cooper: *sweat* heh, heh.

Vorpal: That's downright sinister! But you wont have much to go on. He can get himself out of this mess.

Cooper: Boss...do you think they're on to us?

Insane: That flutter guy was, but we took care of 'im. Why?

Cooper: I don't know...they just seem to be smarter than we give them credit for.

Insane: Phht! American's, they know nothing!

Vorpal: I resemble that remark!

MagiKoopa: Hey, she went to Japan! How come I didn't get to go?

Luigi of the Pipes

Voice (whispering): The key to Vorpal lies in McCain....

LOTP: Huh?

Voice: The key to Vorpal lies in McCain....

LOTP: .............

Voice: WHAT, DO YOU NEED SOCK PUPPETS?! Vorpal, the old President and McCain, the Acting Vice President. If you find McCain, he can lead you to Vorpal.

LOTP: Ooooooohhh... But McCain was just with Ditto.

Voice (whispering again): So thinks you, but that's not true....

LOTP: ???

Voice: Ah, forget it.

LOTP: Heh heh... Hmmm, maybe that unanimous voice was on to something though. I ought to check my security cameras...

*LOTP runs to his room.*

Sgt. Flutter

*with Flutter*

Flutter: There must be someway to get out of here, someway..., someway..., someway..., someway..., someway..., someway...

*4 hours later*

Fluttter: someway..., someway..., someway..., someway..., someway..., someway...

*outside...*

Guard: He has been saying that for 4 hours, he needs help...

*1hour later*

help: Please leave us alone while I talk to him.

Gaurd: ok but if you need any help just call my name.

Help: Sure what is your name.

Gaurd: My name is gaurd.

Help: And my name is help. *goes in and shuts the door*

Flutter: I can't talk to anybody with this jacket on. Take it off.

Help: Sure why not. *takes off flutter's jacket*

Flutter: *knocks help out* Now to get out of here.

Vorpal

Ditto sits down in front of the wide screen that Vorpal had installed only a few months before, he turns on ABC where That Delightful Peter Jennings is on.

Saph: What're you watching?

Ditto: The news, I guess, I've just gotten so used to Vorpal watching this I kinda just on instinct went here.

TDPJ: That is all and good night. Stay tuned for *screen fizzles* and your local news after that.

Ditto: Hmm, I wonder what's on next.

Ditto picks up the TV Guide and flips to ABC and finds that time slot cut out of the magazine.

Ditto: Very strange.

The TV, after going through commercials fades out. Ditto looks to see what's on, but the screen fizzles out again.

Saph: That's weird.

Sapphire

::cries:: I posted the links for MMEDDP2 in that story..it's all configured, now we'll just need to fix the order. I changed a few things there myself, but...

Ditto McCloaker

Sapphire: Ditto, we just don't know where Vorpal is, and there's no telling when he'll be back.

Ditto: You're right, you're right, of course...

Sapphire: So, you realize that... we must go on.

Ditto: You're right. I've got to take the reins of this nation, and guide it with all my skill.

Sapphire: That's the spirit!

*Ditto marches out of the room, and goes straight to the gates to the White House. A bunch of unkempt picketers march around outside. Ditto addresses them*

Ditto: Americans, what is it I, your President, can do for you?

Picketer: The economy is in the slums.

Ditto: Gotcha. *turns to a serviceman* Fetch me the Wizard.

Serviceman: Yessir.

*brings up Alan Green-spend*

Ditto: Oh, great wizard of Wall-Street, what must I do to save the economy?

Green-spend: You must invoke the ancient incantation of fiduciary solvency, and at the apex of the full moon, sacrifice a...

Ditto: Is all this really necessary?

Green-spend: *bows head* No. *sniff* I just want people to notice me.

Ditto: Well... I appreciate you.

Green-spend: R-really?

Ditto: Sure. We'd be in the pits if it weren't for you.

Green-spend: *eyes glisten* WOW! Clintin' NEVER told me that! He always insisted that the economy was HIS doing! He used to threaten to stuff me in my locker if I told!

Ditto: Well, I'm here now. Now, can I fix the economy?

Green-spend: Sure. Lower the interest rates.

Ditto: And if that doesn't work?

Green-spend: Then raise the interest rates.

Ditto: And if that doesn't work?

Green-spend: *shrugs* Well, I'm out of ideas. *walks away*

Sapphire: I guess it's up to us to save the economy, then. Surely you can think of something.

Ditto: Hmmm... *thinks* I've just got to get Congress to pass a bill repealing the Anti-Wealth Law...

Sapphire: But, all the money's either been thrown out into the street, or sent out of the country. Everyone will be broke.

Ditto: *eyes twinkle* I've got a plan.

*Ditto marches forcefully over to Capitol Hill and, before long, is addressing Congress, which is still composed of winos and the insane*

Ditto: I propose a complete devaluation of the old American currency, retro-active to the date of passage of the Anti-Wealth legislation. In it's place, we will establish new currency, with solid gold backing, which will then be distributed to Americans, to reset them to the pre-anti-wealth levels.

Green-spend: *at home, watching C-Span* Dang. He's good.

Ditto: All in favor?

*Congress takes a vote. The final tally comes to 3 'yay's, 433 nays*

Ditto: All right, you guys. If I don't get this legislation passed, I'm gonna bring Alan Green-spend up here to explain the economic situation to you, which should take around 9 or 10 hours, minimun.

*Another vote is taken. Now, it's unanimous 'yays.'*

Ditto: That's mo' like it!

Sapphire: But, what shall the new money look like?

Ditto: Everybody get your best 8 X 10 glossies! We're about to change the face of American finance... literally! *rubs hands in participation*

Voice: I second that motion.

Ditto: Who said that?

Voice: Down here.

*Ditto looks down. To everyone's shock, the carpet on the floor of Congress bulges upward, and rips. A hole appears underneath, and from it emerges...*

Ditto: John! What are you doing here?

*McCain*: I was taken prisoner, bound hand and foot, and stuffed in a closet, Mr. President.

Ditto: I'm sorry to hear that.

*McCain*: Don't be. Kinda fun, actually. Brought back fond memories of solitary confinement in Hanoi. Kinda fun, actually.

Ditto: I'd have thought that'd be horrible.

*McCain*: Huh? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you'd have had to be there. *laughs*

Ditto: *sweatdrop*

*McCain*: In any case, after a while, all those memories came back to me, just like I was doing it all over again.

Ditto: Uh, I believe those are called 'flashbacks,' John.

McCain: Whatever. Anyway, I managed to dislocate my entire skeleton so I could turn downwards, and then I tunneled through the floor to here with my teeth.

Ditto: Wow.

McCain: Ah. I do that everyday, before breakfast. Keeps me tough as nails. *begins picking his teeth* Incidentally, I think I bit through some kind of cable underneath the White House. Television cable, I believe. *sucks his teeth* Fiber optic cable. *clucks his toungue to check the flavor* Constructed of... a lightweight silicon alloy. Processed in... *sloshes it around in his mouth* California. Just before the rainy season, if I'm not mistaken.

Ditto: Unauthorized cable underneath the White House? What could this mean?

Sapphire: We'd better go check the televisions...

Sapphire

meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia...

Cooper: Sir! One of the main cable links has been damaged!

Insane: What?! This cannot be! *runs to go check*

---

Ditto: Hm. Now all the channels seem to be messed up. Are you sure that it was an outside cable and not the main cable line that goes to the White House?

Sapphire: [to Ditto] What still disturbs me is how he managed to chew through everything. Yeech.

**McCain**: Very good question. with a very probably answer. Y'see, the cable that I chewed through was an unconfirmed cable, but must have been somehow connected to the main line.

Sapphire: So you're saying...

Ditto: ...that since you destroyed that cable, we lost all possibilites of watching Television here in the White House.

**McCain**: Exactly.

Ditto: *sweat*

Sapphire: And how do you suggest we correct this problem?

**McCain**: Simple. repair the damaged cable.

Sapphire: ..you go do that, Mr. Earthworm. Meanwhile Ditto, I think it's time we reinstated Congress and the Senate.

Ditto: I suppose that it's for the best to try to get the country into a more stablized enviroment.

Sapphire: With the state that we are in now, we're easy targets for war. And you don't want to go through that again.

---

Vorpal: Ha, ha! Your exploits are at an end, Mr. Insane!

Insane: You just watch.

Ditto McCloaker

Sapphire: *still trying to figure it out* He could tell that much about a cable by taste.

Ditto: Yeah. In fact, that's how he got to be chairman of the Technology, Commerce, and Transportation Committee. His opponent could only identify two out of five types of cable.

Sapphire: *shudders*

Ditto: Okay, so, who should go into the next Congress?

Sapphire: Oh, just put the old people in there. Don't try to pick out a whole new bunch. At the very least, the old ones had legitimage vote.

Ditto: All right... UNLESS... We could get a bunch of really cool ringers to-

Sapphire: *looks at him threateningly*

Ditto: Yike. Okay, okay. We'll reinstate the "Good Ol' Boy's Club" like before. *sigh* Pardon me for trying to make Congress interesting.

Sapphire: It's for the best. Like the old saying goes, "Citizens sleep better when they don't know what goes into their government or their hot dogs."

Ditto: That's very profound.

Sapphire: That's why I'm the First Lady.

Ditto: Now, what's our next issue?

Sapphire: We're lookin' at the federal budget.

Ditto: Hmmm. What did Dubya propose?

Sapphire: He wanted to-

Ditto: Stop right there. Do the exact opposite of what you were about to say.

Sapphire: So, we give tax cuts to... the poorest 99% of the tax payers, and screw over... the wealthy?

Ditto: Sounds like a plan! Implement it!

TDPJ: And that's President Ditto's Tax plan. Next up, is a rebuttal by the Democrats, Tom Daschle and Richard Gephardt.

*Camera switches to two seated men. One is skeletal, with sinister eyes and wild hair. The other looks like an ape*

Ditto: Who are these men?

Sapphire: It's... Senate Democratic Leader Tom Dasch-your-hopes-le, and his crony, Rep. Richard Jip-heart (D-Missourri).

Tom: *to cameras* You can't go trusting money to the taxpayers!

Gyp-heart: It's financially irresponsible!

Tom: *talks to cameras in a slow, soft manner, like he's addressing children* Give it back to us, taxpayers! We know what's good for you!

Gyp-heart: Listen to us. We'll take care of you taxpayers! Vote 'No' on Ditto's plan!

Ditto: *walking onto the set* How can you say that? *looks at their untied shoes* Wait a minute... you guys are in reality...

*rips off their facial masks, to reveal... Masa and Mura, (some more of Masamune's clones, which he was using to subvert the nation, remember?)*

Ditto: Just as I thought.

TDPJ: Stay tuned next, for "The East Wing."

Ditto: What's that?

Sapphire: I 'unno. Sounds like a TV show about the White House.

Ditto: Humph. A sitcom about us, and we can't even watch it.

Jennings: Oh, it's not a sitcom. It's a reality show about- Huh? What's that Mr. Cooper? *puts a finger to his earpiece* Oh, er, nothing. Mr. President. Heh heh.

---

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia...

---

Sodarn Insane: That was close! He almost spilled the beans. They almost discovered the identity of your "Mole."

Cooper: Hm. They're cleaning up the country left and right. No one will watch unless there's controversy.

Sodarn Insane: What will you do?

*suddenly, another figure appears in the doorway*

Voice: I have a plan.

Cooper: Who are you?

Sodarn Insane: Hey! It's Chinese President Jiang Zemin!

Zemin: I have a plan. We reveal that we're holding President Vorpal, but, and here's the beautiful part, you make it sound like it's all Ditto's fault!

Insane: How do we do that?

Zemin: We claim something like he was spying over China and carelessly crashed into one of our planes, and then we act all angry!

Cooper: That's pretty unbelievable. Can you get Americans to believe that?

Zemin: I'm President of Communist China. I distort news to suit me all the time.

Insane: Hey! Me too!

*they hug*

Zemin: I feel like we've known each other forever. *sniff*

---

Hey, Saph, sorry if you are a fan of Gephardt and Daschle. I'm sure they mean well. I was obviously parodying that speech they gave after Bush's tax speech. It just seemed like they were talking to Americans like children (which, may be justified). That, and Daschle really creepy and sinister to me, with his gaunt appearance, smooth voice, and hypnotizing eyes.

Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik 3: Very Foreign Policy

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12