GCPA Sidequests Part 4

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

Locked-In, Part I

by GORE-ILLA on October 24, 2006

Morgan Freeman: Our starts out on a Friday like any other Friday, in Mr. Malkowicz’s History class. A class which held members of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada.

Malkowicz: So what’s this thing everybody’s talking about?

Edwin: The sophomore lock-in- the biggest thing ever! We just stay up all night in the APA doing stuff.

Malkowicz: Well at about 5 AM tomorrow while you’re still at your lock-in, I’ll be waking up and going out to hunt geese in the wilderness.

Que Pasa: At least all of us pirates are going!

Scruffy: Nay. I am forbidden.

Que Pasa: CAP’n??!!!

Scruffy: Sorry, you guys will have to spend one freakin’ night without me to clean up your messes.

No Name: Fine! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone- not even myself! (dives out window and falls down one flight into a box of glass, then attacked by rabid dogs)

Morgan Freeman: So the pirates dramatically part from their captain and make their way to the APA that night around 6 PM to begin… the LOCK-IN! (insert complicated musical number here)

6 PM: The Lock-in Begins

*Everyone starts setting up stuff for the lock-in. Lupine, Siren, Mini-Myself and Dreamer go to play games in the lounge. Stampede, No Name and Edwin head over to the gym to participate in sports. Patten has an orgy with Cait and Bianca in the halls. And Que Pasa wanders aimlessly until he meets with Rafael by the fitness room.*

Que Pasa: Yo.

Rafael: Fight me.

*Que Pasa nods and lunges forward, tackling Rafael into a stack of dumbbells. The two break out into hand-to-hand combat while trying not to trip over the dumbbells. They walk backwards as they fight their way through the girls’ locker room. Que Pasa picks up girls to block Rafael’s attacks and quickly make love with. Soon Que Pasa runs out of girls and couches to shield his attacks, so he dives out into the hall. Rafael tackles him and they roll into the gym. Basketballs and dodgeballs bounce all around them as they continue punching and kicking at each other. Que Pasa heads to the exit leading outside and kicks a stack of Judo mats beside it as he runs outside. The pile of mats collapse and block the entrance. Que Pasa laughs, until he turns around to see Rafael lift up the mats effortlessly and toss them to the side. They continue their fight across the tennis court and into the main entrance, where they use vending machines as boxing gloves. Que Pasa unleashes one stunning kick, causing Rafael to smash through the lounge door and fly across the lounge until he flies into the tv. It charges him with electricity until he lays still. Que Pasa sighs and surveys the room- seeing Siren dancing to “Dream a Dream” on DDR while Mini-Myself and Dreamer play ping-pong. That Krazy Dude rests under the pool table. Lupine switches between playing Game Boy and gazing angstly at the sunset.*

Que Pasa: Well that was pretty fun-

*Suddenly Rafael comes up at Que Pasa from behind and starts strangling him with a large sock. Que Pasa gags and struggles against the choking as he reaches for the sock.*

Rafael: What now, son?

*Que Pasa bends over very quickly, flipping Rafael off his back Judo-style. Rafael regains his footing and walks over by the pool table. Rafael grabs one pool stick and tosses Que Pasa the other.*

Rafael: Bring it.

*Que Pasa and Rafael leap atop the pool table and clash dramatically with the pool sticks until one giant attack in which both sticks are shattered. Rafael punches down at Que Pasa, who hops aside to the ping-pong table. Rafael follows and they both continue their hand-to-hand combat as they dodge the ping-pong ball. Then they leap down by the DDR. Que Pasa grabs a spare dance pad and slaps Rafael with it, sending him flying through the window outside. Que Pasa leaps out after him and they continue fighting across the truck yard until they reach the train tracks. As they go across, Que Pasa gets his leg caught in the track.*

Que Pasa: Err…

Rafael: End of the line, bitch!

*A train begins approaching. Que Pasa grabs the rail and tears it from the ground, then starts whipping Rafael with it. The train roars towards them. Both Que Pasa and Rafael leap atop the train as it speeds away. They continue fighting atop and within the train.*

Passenger: Help! We’re heading for a bottomless cliff thing!

Conductor: Damn, what the hell was I thinking?

Que Pasa: Now for the cheesey moment where we put aside our differences to do good.

Rafael: Fight me.

*Que Pasa and Rafael grab onto the front of the train and plant their feet in the ground until the train screeches to a halt at the last possible moment. Que Pasa wakes up when one of the passengers hands him his mask.*

Passenger: Don’t worry. We won’t tell anyone.

*Que Pasa nods dramatically and jumps out the window, shooting webs to swing his way back to the lock-in.*

Rafael: Next time, Que Pasa. Next time.

Morgan Freeman: Okay.

*Back at the lock-in, Stampede and Edwin are walking through the halls. They open one door and find Mr. Brancato making love to a horn.*

Mr. Brancato: GET OUT!

*Stampede and Edwin awkwardly leave and continue walking down the hall.*

Stampede: That is a nice horn!

Edwin: Damn I’m hungry. Isn’t there supposed to be free food?

Stampede: Don’t worry. The pizza will be here any second.

12 AM: The pizza gets here.

Morgan Freeman: And so everybody assembles in the health room to eat pizza while staring at the walls covered with posters about venereal diseases.

No Name: Guys, I’ve gotta show you my experiment!

Lupine: What is it, man?

No Name: Behold!

*No Name presses a button on the remote control to reveal an observation window showing a small blank room where Nemo, Mark G. and Ricky are gathered.*

No Name: I’ve placed these three in a room together, and we’ll see who’s still alive in the morning.

*A slice of pizza is lowered into the room. Nemo, Mark and Ricky all fly at it. Everyone else pulls out betting money.*

12:30 AM- Enter a random villain.

*That Krazy Dude runs up to Que Pasa.*

That Krazy Dude: I’ve learned some terrible news! The teachers plot to separate us all if even one of us falls asleep- we’ll be restricted to the lounge and Judo room!

Que Pasa: This is terrible news! Terrible!

*That Krazy Dude collapses with spears stuck in his back, and Que Pasa rolls him under the pool table.*

Siren: So if anybody falls asleep, then this whole lock-in is ruined?

Mini-Myself: That sounds like a cue for some villain to come out of left field.

Mr. Fatigue: (strolls into the lounge) Gimme yo energy bitches!

Mini-Myself: Not you again! Not now!

Siren: Who exactly is this guy?

Que Pasa: Mr. Fatigue- devourer of energy!

Mr. Fatigue: (slaps Que Pasa) Yo, this is my speech! (clears throat) Mr. Fatigue, devourer of energy! And I’ll take all of your energy so you won’t have any left!

Que Pasa: Quick! Take these! (tosses Snapple bottles around while jugging one down.)

*Mr. Fatigue does his sleepy dance, but everyone fights the fatigue with energy provided by the Snapples.*

Lupine: Ha! We win, Fatigue!

Willien: (collapses)

Mr. Fatigue: HAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!

Patten: That’s it, it’s over! Game over man, gamer over!

*Mr. Brancato, Ms. Whitham and Mr. Greco swoop into the lounge and grab all the girls, dragging them out to the Judo room.*

Siren: YAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Dreamer: Hey guys, AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*The three teachers reappear seconds later to shove the other guys in. They run to escape, but the lounge doors slam shut in front of them. They all pound futiley against the door.*

Mr. Fatigue: (surrounded by the angry guys) In retrospect, this was not a smart plot.

No Name: Now what? We’re doomed, doomed!

Que Pasa: We have to fight for our right to party!

To be continued in Part 2- “Insomnia Lounge”

Stampede: That is a nice cliffhanger!

Locked-In, Part II: Insomnia Lounge

by GORE-ILLA on October 25, 2005

*Scruffy scales a mountain and howls at the full moon.*

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armadas Sidequests Presents: Locked In, Part II- Insomnia Lounge

2:00 AM- INSOMNIA INSOMNIA

*Everyone lazes around the lounge, and Azn Nick makes love to Willien's sleeping form. In the back of the lounge, Stampede and three others have been playing multiplayer Halo for hours. Lupine runs in with dynamite strapped to his chest.*

Lupine: I'll do it this time! I'm serious!

Stampede: (sighs) You're not gonna do it.

*That Krazy Dude rests under the pool table as Ricky strolls past, chewing on a piece of pizza.*

Mr. Fatigue: Damn this thing is boring. What the hell are we supposed to do?

Mini-Myself: I dunno. The girls took Twister with them. I don't see the point in playing it without any hot chicks anyway.

Nemo: I did bring an all-guys Twister! (holds up A Separate Peace Twister)

Edwin: Pass.

*In another corner of the room, Que Pasa rocks back and forth, muttering to himself madly.*

Edwin: No Name's turn to check on him! (shoves No Name forward)..

No Name: Dammit! (looks to Que Pasa) Uh... so... how ya doing, Que?

*Que Pasa springs up and grabs No Name by the shoulders.*

Que Pasa: I'm messed up, man! Real messed up! They've been playing that damn game for hours... all I wanna do is hook up some X-Men Legends or Four Swords Adventures or something... and all the girls have been gone, for hours man! I don't even remember what they look like! And our trap isn't working.

*Que Pasa looks towards the center of the room, where a pile of jewelry sprayed with TAG Body Spray lies with a net above it. No one has been caught in the net except Phil, who didn't even come to the lock-in.*

Que Pasa: Dammit, man! I don't remember what the world is like outside this room. Is there even a world out there? WHO AM I???

No Name: ...I think we need a change of scenery.

2:30 AM- In the boy's locker room.

*All the boys have moved into the boy's locker room. They even hooked up a tv to play Halo on for another few hours. Patten and Salama check out the showering area.*

Patten: Damn you need a shower. Try one of those out.

Salama: No way, I'm not going into one of those showers. I don't trust them.

Patten: Come on! They seem perfectly safe and secure!

*Patten looks into one shower room and knocks on the wall. The fake wall then falls over to reveal Ms. Castinon waiting with her camera. Patten and Salama run.*

3:00 AM- The plan.

Stampede: Okay! This isn't working. We have to go out there and reunite ourselves, then, I dunno, set off some cheesey romantic subplots.

Que Pasa: The cheesey romance subplots WILL sell us more tickets in the theater...

Stampede: Exactly. So we need a plan to get to the Judo room without being caught by the teachers. Any suggestions?

That Krazy Dude: Over here my onions! First we must gather acorns and bury them for the winter. Afterwards half of us shall slip out the lounge window. Using grappling hooks, we shall scale the wall of the APA to the roof. We'll plant TNT on the portion of the roof above the Judo room and then leap down, protected by a cloud of smoke and doves.

Edwin: What about the other half?

That Krazy Dude: A simple deduction. The rest of you shall go through the bathroom and find among you the Chosen One who can speak to the pipes. Then you shall tear out all the room's sinks and urinals, and enter their pipes. The Chosen One will guide you through the pipes to the sink in the Judo room's bathroom. As long as Clyde isn't taking a dump, things should go perfectly.

Stampede: I dunno. That's a pretty big variable. Let's try testing the security first.

No Name: How do we do that?

Stampede: Hm, lemme see... Name-No, try sliding one of those Judo belts under the door leading to the gym. Everyone else, stay back. Helluva far way back.

*No Name cautiously starts to slide the belt under the door as Stampede watches. Stampede turns around to see all the other guys crowded around him.*

Stampede: What the hell man?

*Mr. Greco's voice is heard from the other side of the room.*

Mr. Greco: What do they think we are, stupid?

*For no reason, all the guys start screaming and run back to the lounge. No Name is the last to walk in. Then he pulls up his pants.*

Que Pasa: What?

Stampede: We've learned something- Mr. Greco's guarding the locker doors, and No Name needs a belt.

Lupine: I think we should give up. This security looks impenetrable.

*Suddenly the ventilation shaft's cover falls down, and Skanky Siren and Dreamer lower themselves on ropes.*

Siren: We made it!

Dreamer: Hey guys!

Stampede: (smacks head) The ventilation shaft! Why didn't I think of that?

Lupine: (whacks Que Pasa) Look, the girls are here!

Edwin: Damn we're violent. (kicks Mini-Myself a few times)

Que Pasa: G-girrrrrr... girrrrrrrr.... girrrrrrrr...ls? Girls? (rubs eyes) Oh... I see now... (looks to Siren) Sarah Argul... and... (looks at Dreamer) ...gimme a few minutes, it'll come to me.

Dreamer: Ouch.

Siren: So now what do we do?

Stampede: I guess you can pick two of us to have a cheap romantic subplot with for the rest of the night unless you can bring the rest of the girls over.

*Everyone leaps into the air as they hear a loud horn screeching. Then they turn to see Mr. Brancato at the door with his horn, Mr. Greco and Ms. Whitham.*

Mr. Brancato: I knew I caught the scent of joy!

Mr. Greco: And I thought it was gas.

Mr. Brancato: Both of you, outta here!

Que Pasa: I don't think so!

Mr. Brancato: What's that?

Que Pasa: Why don't we play a game? If we win, we pour water on Willien's head and can hang out with the girls again!

Mr. Brancato: And if you lose?

Que Pasa: Then we will willingly become servants in your extraterrestrial amusement park.

Mr. Brancato: Fine. Name the game.

Que Pasa: ...

*All the pirates and guys huddle.*

Siren: They're just teachers. We have to pick something we'll be better at then they are.

Edwin: How about video games?

Que Pasa: I got it! (points to the teachers) We challenge you to a basketball game!

Edwin: Dude, adults suck at video games!

Patten: Don't worry. Maybe they're not so good at basketball either.

Dreamer: The teachers will be dangerous if they get Clyde on their side.

No Name: Leave him to me. (disappears into the shadows)

Siren: Alright, let's get them!

Ms. Whitham: We need a fifth teacher for our team.

Mr. Greco: No, let's ask Mr. Estrada over there!

Lupine: SHUT THE HELL UP!

*Mr. Noble appears out of nowhere to fill in the last spot.*

Que Pasa: They're just teachers, they can't be that good.

*Mr. Greco, Ms. Whitham, Mr. Brancato, Mr. Noble and Ms. Castinon all pass around a glowing basket ball which turns each of them into giant deformed monster creatures. Everyone pummels Que Pasa with dodgeballs.*

Siren: They've stolen the talents of all the greatest basketball players!

Next- The exciting conclusion: "Earth Jam"