GCPA Sidequests Part 7

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

The Thing on Newport- Based on a True Story Blown Horribly Out of Proportion

by the first mate, the janitor, the nameless one, and I think the marksman did some stuff too on December 2, 2005

*A tiny-ass clown car pulls up in front of Newport Mall and opens. That Krazy Dude, Que Pasa, No Name, his brother Some Name, Edwin, Stampede, Shiny Stallone, Salama, Karl (the angry black man trying to get out the hood), Lupine and some girl named Liz pour out and enter the mall.*

Stampede: That is a nice car!

That Krazy Dude: Mini-Myself lent it from us.

Que Pasa: We would've been here sooner if Lupine wasn't so damn late.

Lupine: I'm sorry master, please forgive me!

Edwin: Where's the Cap'n?

Karl: He couldn't make it. Homework.

*Elsewhere, Scruffy poses dramatically in a pile of books.*

Scruffy: POR QUE????!!!

Mr. T: We have to stop meeting like this, fool.

*Elsewhere at the mall...*

*Liz punches Nemo and he dies.*

Krazy: Off to the food court!

*The crew heads to the escalator which will take them up to the food court.*

Que Pasa: Hey, who's that?

Stampede: NOOO!!! IT'S......

Abbasi: That's right it's me, Abbasi the doctor who doesn't have anything to do with medical science and the destroyer of any fun moments that you could possibly have! And now I'm the escalator monitor so I can prevent you from having fun in your precious mall.

No Name: Move out of the way Abbasi!

Abbasi: (plants staff in the ground) YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!

Liz: Who the hell's this angry middle eastern man?

Abbasi: THAT'S IT! SATURDAY DETENTION!!

Krazy: Penis?

Stampede: But today's Saturday.

Abbasi: Then it's time for you to serve your detention! Come my hall monitor minions!!!

Krazy: Hahaha they're coming alright...on your mom!! OOOOHHH!!!!!

Abbasi: You mock the great Abbasi!?

Liz: You mock the great Abassi?

Abbasi: Stop it!!!

Liz: Stop it!!!

Abbasi: I'm stupid!

LIz: You're stupid!

Abbasi: ARG! thats it! get them!

*Out of the shadows and Victoria's secret store come Dr. Abbasi's hall monitors. they run out doing kung fu style mid-air flips for no actual reason and take out their inhalers afterward. Several of them block the bottom of the escalator, some stand by their master's side and the rest go straight for the crew*

Vegeta: Don't worry I know how to deal with them...Bulma, Trunks...I love you! *Vegeta blows up and when the dust settles he is in stone and everyone else is alive, unharmed, then he falls over and shatters.*

Edwin: Wow, that wasn't necessary....*plants c4 to escalators while Real Folk Blues play*

Stampede: Run!!!

*Boom*

Karl: Wow...we still aren't harmed!

</nowiki>*</nowiki>A secret agent comes flying from the skylight and rescues the crew.*

No Name: Wow, who are you?

Agent: My name is Master... Master Bates. *gets shoot in the back of the head by Abassi*

Abassi: None shall pass this impenetrable wall of boredom!

Tom Cruise: I WILL!!!

*Random male models walk past*

Tom Cruise: ....Be right back...*runs away*

Edwin: ....gaaaaaay!

*Tom Cruise runs back a few minutes later, only to be squirted in the face with water until he passes out.*

Que Pasa: Wait! I have an idea!

*Que Pasa runs up to Abbasi and pokes him. Abbasi overly-dramatically attempts to dodge out of the way and winds up falling off the second floor and crashes on the bottom floor. Abbasi lays there twitching as sad music plays. His mob of hall monitoring minions run to his aid and carry him away to the Abbasi-mobile. Right before they reach the door they explode violently taking down several people with them including the dude who was wearing the Santa Claus costume and the strange dude from Yankee Candle*

Candle Dude: You like leche? You want million dollaru?

*They finally arrive at the food court.*

Shiny Stallone: Eat what you want. I own all of these restaurants.

*Salama bankrupts nearly the entire food court within .01 seconds.*

Que Pasa: Hey, that Mongolian Barbecue place ripped me off! I only have forty-two cents left!

Shiny Stallone: That happens to be the only restaurant here I don't own.

Que Pasa: (sees No Name shuffling through hundreds of dollars) Hey man, lend me some money!

No Name: Hell no.

Que Pasa: (starts crying) You never buy me nice things anymore!

*Everyone starts hanging around the arcade area. There Stampede and No Name, along with help from Some Name, play Lethal Enforcers for hours until they beat it.*

Stampede: That was a good game!

No Name: Hero-Hero Policeman!

Stampede: Yeah, you played real good.

No Name: Hero-Hero Policeman! Hero-Hero Policeman!

Stampede: You okay? You have been playing that game for a while...

No Name: Hero-Hero Policeman! (starts crying and hands Stampede a gun, then points to his head) Hero-Hero Policeman...

*Instead of shooting No Name, Stampede simply shoots the machine and Que Pasa pours out.*

Stampede: How the hell did you get in there?

Que Pasa: Everyone else ditched me, so I went into the arcade machine to cry.

*The three look around and see everyone else gone.*

No Name: (has forgotten the brainwashing) Hang on, I'll call them. (dials on cell phone) Hello, Krazy? Where are you? Spencer's? Spencer's? SPENCER'S? Okay bye.

Que Pasa: What the hell are they doing at Spencer's? What the hell IS Spencer's?

Stampede: We'll hunt them down.

Que Pasa: (looks over balcony) They're downstairs, running away!

*Que Pasa, Stampede and No Name run off after the others. Elsewhere Karl the angry black man trying to get out the hood has stopped to buy bubble tape.*

Karl: Hey, where'd everyone go? Wait, what's that- AHHH why you gotta go after the black people first?!!

*Back at the ranch, Que Pasa and the others have caught up to the others despite their numerous attempts to ditch them. Then they notice the absence of Karl, the angry black man trying to get out the hood.*

Liz: We have to find him. Why don't we-

Que Pasa: Let's split up!

*Que Pasa and Lupine wander the area.*

Lupine: Why'd you have to make us split up? The monster thing's sure to get us now!

Que Pasa: You act like I don't make stupid decisions like this all the time! Remember that time with the Mystery Box?

[flashback]

Peter: Lois, a boat's a boat, but a mystery box can be anything! It can even be a boat! And you know how much we've wanted one of those!

Lois: Then let's just get the-

Peter: I'll take it!

[/flashback]

Lupine: That wasn't even you!

Que Pasa: Don't worry, we have everyone's cell phone numbers. Check in with Krazy.

Lupine: (dials cell phone) ...No answer.

Que Pasa: Uh... maybe we'll find one of them in here.

*They open a door and find a disturbing sight within.*

Nemo: Oh... oh... oh... BAM! Right in the kisser.

Mr. Brancato: Yum.

Meggan: (takes pictures) I have proof!

*Que Pasa and Lupine close the door and run off. Lupine stops and looks around while Que Pasa continues running.*

Lupine: Something's watching us...

Que Pasa: Nothing's watching us! (turns around and sees Lupine gone) Okay maybe there is.

*Que Pasa runs around the mall paranoid and jumps out the window, and he winds up landing by the light rail.*

Que Pasa: Can it be... the legendary light rail? At last I behold it with my own eyes! (pauses) Why do I hear suspenseful music in the background?

*Que Pasa turns around and screams... as Mr. Meyer lumbers out of some very big shadows.*

Mr. Meyer: Hello John.

Que Pasa: You're the mysterious monster who's been hunting us all down? What have you done to the others?

Mr. Meyer: They're all safe for now. I have wasted my money and need food, so I decided to use them. I have kept them in a freezer until I'm hungry enough to eat them all since that girl said it'd be an insult to the Ethiopians to waste food.

Que Pasa: You fiend! How could you?

Mr. Meyer: You don't understand. I'm just like you. I wasted my money... on a Mongolian Barbecue! The hunger will consume you too!

Que Pasa: No! I'll never be like you!

Mr. Meyer: Yes you will. Even though you were raised by the bears I hate, you have grown to hate them too, and so we are even more alike. With your help we can get all the food we need to survive in this mall!

Que Pasa: If I refuse?

Mr. Meyer: (does his impersonation of a camera which summons a swarm of dolphins)

Que Pasa: Oh, and by the way... (sings the Smallville theme into a DS microphone to summon a swarm of bears) I have made peace with my bear brethren.

*The bears and the dolphins break into into wild battle. Mr. Meyer scrambles through the madness.*

Mr. Meyer: How do I get out of this? Let me think- bears can't run downhill or parallel park...

*Que Pasa dropkicks Mr. Meyer into the railroad tracks. The bright light of a train is seen approaching- the huge-assest train ever, the Polar Express.*

Que Pasa: You see that light at the end of the tunnel? That's not Heaven!

Mr. Meyer: I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU!!!

*The train bounces off of Mr. Meyer and flies into space.*

Mr. Meyer: I should make a documentary about this experience.

*The bears bring back all the others from Mr. Meyer's fridge.*

Salama: It's not safe here. Let's take the light rail to Hoboken, where they have more food.

That Krazy Dude: So be it! I swear by the honor of my genitals, the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada shall travel to Hoboken!

*Everyone gets on the train and heads for Hoboken.*

Que Pasa: So how was that Harry Potter movie you saw last time you were here?

Stampede: It was good, but Dreamer says there's a giant hole in the story.

*Elsewhere Dreamer looks through the book until her hand gets stuck in a large hole in the book.*

Dreamer: What the... (is sucked into the hole)

Edwin: Enough of this! I want my own flashback- nay, demand it!

[flashback]

Edwin: Poppa, what's the world like outside Hudson County?

Edwin's Dad: There's nothing out there, son! Nothing but pain! (sobs) LORISSA!!!!

[/flashback]

*The light rail stops at Hoboken. They then run from their lives through the light rail station for no real reason.*

No Name: Dammit, we've lost Karl again!

Shiny Stallone: Wait, I see him- he's in that Johnny Rocket's across the street!

*Everyone jaywalks across the street as Karl walks out of the restaurant, but he somehow looks different.*

That Krazy Dude: Karl?

Karl: That name no longer applies to me. I have finally gotten out of the hood. I... AM... JOHNNY ROCKET!!! (changes into 50's clothes to Happy Days) I fight crime now! (sees a jaywalker) Stop right there, jaywalker! You have to answer to me!

Jaywalker: Yeah? What are you gonna do?

Johnny Rocket: (holds out a hamburger) Here!

Jaywalker: Thanks man! (eats the hamburger and walks away)

Johnny Rocket: Seen any other jaywalkers for me to mess up?

*Fifty years later...*

Jaywalker: ARGH (arteries explode)

Johnny Rocket: It was worth the wait.

Morgan Freeman: And so Karl the angry black man trying to get out the hood finally got out the hood, and all was good again in Hoboken. But everywhere surrounding Hoboken was wiped out by nuclear winter.

The Snow Day Liberation

Scruffy, Que Pasa No Name and Edwin on December 15, 2005

A Very Frzlngd Christmas

by Scruffy, Que Pasa, No Name and That Krazy Dude on December 26, 2005

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10