Nichibutsu of America Page 6
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"Multi Disc Dilemna" by The Gamehiker
Ditto: Accursed Vorpal, beating me to my-
Intercom: (Secretary's voice) Bjorni is viciously fighting Masa and Mune out here, they all want to see you first.
Ditto: *sigh* Just what I need.... send them all in.
*the doors open and they all rush up*
Bjorni: Ifoundthediscwithflutterandtechnoeventhoughweknockedoverseveraldoors, andmasaandmunehavegonenuts, and-
Masa: Wemadethewebpage, andthenyouridiotemployeesbustedinandstoleourprogresstostealourpromotion, andwe'regonna-
Mune: Basically we have a very complicated and messed up plot going that is surely going to set us back for no apparent reason.
Ditto: Uh...
Mune: Allow me to elaborate. Bjorni stole our disc, foolishly thinking it was the one Vorpal stole (I need not discuss how I know this) but was actually not. This disc actually contains our website. The real disc was deposited in a vending machine named Bob.
Ditto: A vending machine... named Bob...?
Intercom: (Secretary) Sir, we have a problem. All the local managers from stores have come to protest.
Ditto: Whatever for?
Intercom: (S) They want their vending machines back.
Ditto: What!?
Intercom: (S) They all just applied for jobs here for the Kitchen Staff. *wrestling sounds are heard* (Elzie's Voice) HIRE THEM! THEN YOU WON'T NEED ME, I CAN DO REAL GAME DESIGNING!
Ditto: Hmm... tell the vending machines they're hired.
Intercom: (E) YES!!!!
Ditto: Tell Elzie she is fired.
Intercom: (E) WHAT!?
Ditto: Cooks aren't allowed to use the intercom. Good day. *turns to Masa, Mune, and Bjorni* Now how do we settle this... Bjorni, get back to fixing those doors. Masa, Mune... Let me see the webpage.
*they hand the disc over enthusiastically, Ditto pops it into his computer*
Ditto: Let's see here... huh... this isn't a webpage... Hmm, a Sword Fighting Game?
Masa: o_o;
Ditto: Interesting concept this....
Masa: o_O
Ditto: But this isn't what I wanted.
Masa: >_<
Ditto: THIS IS BETTER! Excellent, very nice. Ship this off to the storyline department and have them fill in some story... preferably about rescuing princesses or something.
Masa: And the promotion?
Ditto: Denied. This was supposed to be a webpage.
Masa: Crap.
Ditto: Now get out!
~Outside of Ditto's office~
Mune: You copied your stupid game instead of the webpage?
Masa: It was an accident, sorry! But what happens when Ditto finds out that game only had one level?
Mune: *evil grin* All new games are like that. The better a game, the shorter it is. Common logic, didn't you know?
"Evil Director of Human Resources." by Nintenfreak
Nintenfreak: Now, I've been fired before, and I can help you.
Elzie: How, exactly?
Nintenfreak: I've got these connections that landed me my job.. again. Let's see what they can do for you...
*Nintenfreak Pulls Rope that was dangling from his celing, and they both fall into a slide that takes them past the Tenth Level of Hell*
Nintenfreak: Your evilness, I have brought with me another employee that was recently fired.
Game Dæmon 1: Yes, Let us question the person in question.
Game Dæmon 2: Are you willing to devote your entire life to your Job, and your Work?
Elzie: Pbbbth, no.
Game Dæmon 3: Excellent. I think we have a position for you. Pull out the Wheel.
*Game Dæmon 4 pulls out a wheel with a man Strapped to it. He is then spun around, and his head lands on a section entitled Director of Human Resources.*
Game Dæmon 4: Excellent! You will become out new Direcot of Human Resourses.
Game Dæmon 5: Here's your costume. *hands Elzie a Dæmon costume.
Elzie: Do I have to wear this?
Game Dæmon 1: Not really, but it looks cool.
All Game Dæmons: No... GO!!!
Elzie and Nintenfreak are flung out back into Nintenfreak's office.
Elzie: Great, now I can turn this place into a Hades of my liking.
Nintenfreak: Isn't it one already?
Elzie: Like I said, "One of my liking."
"How Cheap is Cheap?" by Ditto McCloaker
Bjorni: *while fixing tube system* So, Ditto, at what point do you think we should tell Techno that the NICHE incorporates most of the technology the PHES had?
Ditto: *building house of cards* Oh, I dunno. Save it for his birthday I guess.
Bjorni: He got all furious even though he didn't even show it to you. He kept it to himself. Remember that around bonus time.
Ditto: Oh, we're way past the bonus stage here. *suddenly thinks of something as card house collapses*
Say, if we're going to begin making up the damage caused by Vorpalsoft's early release, we have to start now.
Bjorni: What do you mean?
Ditto: Assemble my troops! *slams button on desk*
~Everyone comes sliding out through the tubes~
Ditto: Alright, everyone. We need to repair Vorpal's damage with some advertisement! I want each of you to come up with some advertisements! Clever TV commercials, print ads, and... miscellaneous.
Lupus: Any limitations?
Ditto: Keep it cheap.
Luigi: What's our budget?
Ditto: Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeaaap.
Luigi: How so?
Ditto: You're each providing your own budgets.
*gaspses*
Ditto: Oh, all right. GIve me your proposals, and I'll assign budgets.
"The moral of the story: Just buy a NICHE..." by Luigi of the Pipes
Flutter: Ooh! I already have mine!
Ditto: (Oh dear L--) Okay, let's see it.
*Flutter pulls out a tape and slides it into the VCR.*
*A scene with Flutter looking longingly at a NICHE is shown.
Scene changes to Flutter standing near a kid with The EVILS in hand.*
Flutter: What're you buying?
Kid: Silly turtle. I'm buying The EVILS.
*Scene changes to a close-up on Flutter's eyes, with fire dancing in them, as a rock band plays in the background.
Scene changes to Flutter diving at the kid with murderous intentions.
Scene changes to Flutter holding the kid down on the ground and pounding on him.
Scene changes to Flutter staring longingly at a Niche.*
Flutter: The moral of the story: Just buy a NICHE...
All: O.o
Ditto: Uh... that was... entertaining...
Flutter: I know ^_^
---
Original film: [1] (It's not there anymore, but... well, history >.> Oh look, I found it)
Author: Nintenfreak
Ditto: So, Nintenfreak, what have you got for us.
*Nintenfreak hands in a Post-it with 'Buy the NICHE' scralled on it. Below it was taped a Farside Comic*
Ditto: Well, you certainly kept it cheap.
Nintenfreak: Hey, I had to go home and get the Scotch Tape and Post-It note.
Ditto: Okay, in your proposal, you said that you would have a Brilliant and unique promotional campaign.
Nintenfreak: And I delievered.
Ditto: You downed me 200 bucks. Give me the Money back!
Nintenfreak: Yeah, the thing about that... I spent it already.
Ditto: ON WHAT?!
Nintenfreak: Booze, mostly...
Ditto: that's it, you're Fire--
Elzie: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Ditto: And why not?
Elzie: Because you can't. You signed this waver stating that you may not fire any of your employees.
Ditto: No I didn't.
Elzie: Yes, I did. It was tacked onto all of the Budget proposals that you signed.
Ditto: Darn You.
Elzie: Hey, it comes with the Job Description.
Author: Yoshiman
Yoshiman: Okayokayokay, I got these postrs, and I was hoping to bootleg Luigi's printing press to get these out. . .
Ditto: Weren't you talking with the vending machines?
Yoshiman: Yeah, but you said 'advertise' so I ran up here.
Ditto: You're still bleeding on the carpet.
Yoshiman: *Tries to erase it with his foot, only making it worse* There. Now, this poster shows the evils of not buying the NICHE.
Ditto: *Looking it over* Very impressive! Now where's the subliminal message?
Yoshiman: The what?
Ditto: Well, there's no actual writing, it's just a big painting involving some kid on a skateboard.
Yoshiman: Ahhhh. . . yes! Yes, see, it's right there!
Ditto: I don't see anything.
Yoshiman: It's subliminal.
Author: LUPUS OF THE AGES
Ditto: Lupus, what have you got?
Lupus: Huh?
Ditto: Your advertising idea.
Lupus: My advertising what now?
Ditto: Don't tell me you haven't done it...
Lupus: Don't worry, I won't.
Ditto: I'm lowering your pay to two dollars a day.
Lupus: No, don't do that! Wait, I remember now! Yeah, my advertising idea. *shifts eyes* I'll just go and get it now. *runs from room and returns five minutes later, breathing heavily.* Here.
Ditto: Ah, your contract! How nice of you to remind me that I cannot fire you.
Lupus: No, look on the back.
Ditto: Eh? *turns contract over*
(There MIGHT'VE been a picture here, I dunno. It's not there anymore if there was)
Ditto: You expect me to believe this is the best you can do?
Lupus: Yes.
Ditto: You expect me to just... act like this is perfectly good work and immediately start putting it in magazines?
Lupus: Yes.
Ditto: You expected right! Good work. Now, Tech-
Lupus: I have another idea, too.
Ditto: Yes?
*two hours later*
VORPALSOFT RIVAL COMMENTS ON THE EVILS
Vorpalsoft rival Nechusomething has bitten back at the dominating company this morning, resulting in an angry outcry from EVIL fanatics.
"The EVILS is for 10 year olds," Nikechoso CO Ditto P McStoker said this morning. "If you're 20 or 25 years old, it's probably not a good idea to draw an EVILS out of your pocket on a Friday night in a public space." This is of course an impossibility as the EVILS is approximately two meters wide and needs two power plugs to supply power. However, Vorpal seems uncaring of this accusation.
"Ditto and his friends can say whatever they like," he says. "But we all know Ditto still wets his bed and lives with his parents."
More updates on Ditto wetting the bed as we get them.
Ditto: This is exactly what we didn't want!
Lupus: There's no such thing as bad publicity. ...Unless it's really bad publicity.
Author: sapphire
*later...*
Ditto sits in his office, contemplating.. his hands steepled together underneath his chin, he waits.. before pressing a button on his intercom.
*elsewhere*
Sapphire: Hrmph. This isn't what I came to do here at all. Testing control and bug editing indeed. I'm a writer, not a bug proceeser. Though I'm not complaining... nope. *whistles as she edits*
Intercom (D): Sapphire, can I please see you in my office.
Sapphire: *blinks* Uh, when?
Intercom (D): Now.
*Saph gets transported to the room*
Sapphire: *landing on the floor* There has GOT to be a better way.
Ditto: *rubs chin* Perhaps. But that will be dealt with in due time. At the moment.. I have an interesting proposition for you.
Sapphire: *listens*
[Meanwhile]
Masa: Hah! Using my own l33t skills in tackling technology, this therefore is the greatest company website ever.
Mune: All we need is a way to somehow take over this company, and Nichi will be ours!
Masa: We'll have to get a favorable 'in' with the boss first..
Mune: Say... does he have a vice president?
Masa: ..No. Not a real one, at any rate. Just an imaginary guy that we've never seen and are told to fear.
Mune: Hmmm...
Masa: Hmmm...
Mune: I've got it!
Masa: Me too!
Mune: We find this imaginary person and dispose of them, then secretly get someone to take their place..
Masa: But who?
Mune: One of us?
Masa: Perhaps we can get some help...
-*-
Sapphire: Why certainly. I think that such an opportunity would be grand indeed, Mr. McCloaker. When do I begin?
Ditto: It's already begun. You'll have your own private office on your own floor, and everything you need at your disposal, if you wish to work on your own project ideas. We're due to have a company ball, so we'll officially announce the news there.
Sapphire: Excellent.
Ditto: *nods* I'm sure with you as vice president, we'll be able to get more things done around here.
Sapphire: Now that's wishful thinking.
Ditto: Point taken.
-*-
Vorpal: Now what I need to do is cause dissention among the ranks... try to get them to join /our/ company and leak company secrets.
Goom: How do you plan to do that?
Vorpal: Why.. why.. offer them lucrative positions in /our/ company, of course!
Author: Luigi of the Pipes
"And the first issue of Crazy Climber was released, and there was much rejoicing."
Kid 1: *picks up a copy of Crazy Climber* The hey? Why put out a magazine for games that aren't even out yet?
Kid 2: Forget this. Let's go buy The EVILS.
*The kids walk past another kid, dressed in geeky clothes (buck teeth, taped glasses, freckles, a Super Mario hat, etc.) playing a demo of The EVILS.*
Kid 1: Check the loser...
Kid 2: If we're quiet, he won't see us...
Geek Kid: DUH-HYUCK! The EVILS is awesome!
Kids: >_<
Geek Kid: Nichibutsu sure can't top squiggly lines and four frame per minute action like this!
Kids: ???
Kid 1: Hey! I thought they said that The EVILS was supposed to be good!
Geek Kid: It shore is! Here... *pulls out coupons* Take these coupons for the NICHE, which will be released next week. I shore won't need 'em! *wipes nose on sleeve*
*The kids take the coupons and leave.*
Kid 1: Only seven days until it comes out? Maybe we should pick up the super-cheating powers of that Crazy Climber magazine after all.
Kid 2: Dang. The EVILS is The DUMPS. Who knew?
*Geek Kid takes off his disguise to reveal Ditto, who heads back to Nichibutsu, Inc.*
Ditto: The plan worked perfect.
Saph: I knew it would. When did you tell them it was coming out?
Ditto: Next week.
Saph: N-next week!? But the Internet sites, the store ads, the TV commercials! They have to know this stuff months in advance!
Ditto: Ah, they'll make the time. What's our starting line-up?
Saph: Well, we have Crazy Climber X...
Ditto: . . . And?
Saph: And, uh, a game about a dog jumping through a hoop.
Ditto: Huh? And...?
Saph: That's it.
Ditto: THAT'S IT!?
Saph: And those are far from completion. The programming is made up of...
Ditto: Squiggly lines and four frame per minute action?
Saph: Yup.
Ditto: NOOO! What have I done!?
TV Reporter: And in other news. Nichibutsu of America, Corp., Ltd., has "officially" decided that the release date of their new video game console, the NICHE, will be one week from now. There is no information on what games they plan to release with the system, or even if they have a design for the console yet. The gaming community is unnerved, but has surprisingly restrained themselves from buying Vorpalsoft's The EVILS, saying that it is a console for "babies and broken-glasses". More news as the mystery Nichibutsu console is released.
Ditto: Ack! DOOMED!!!
Saph: I can see where this is going to take a woman's touch.
***
Masa: The NICHE's coming out next week, eh?
Mune: Heh heh. Grandpa's gonna have Ditto's head for this.
Masa: Yeah. Good thing he didn't put a release date on the webpage, too.
Mune: You know...
Masa: Hmm?
Mune: If we get Ditto out of this mess, it's a perfect bargaining chip for us to replace the illusory Vice-President with ourselves.
Masa: Aww, but I like watching Ditto go all fire panic on us.
Mune: *shakes his head* I can see where this is going to take a dwarf's touch.
Masa: *snortchuckle* Okay, I'm coming.
***
Yoshiman: Ditto's releasing the NICHE already? But he hasn't even read past page 752 of my game ideas!
Lupus: Sweatdop I wonder if Vorpalsoft is still hiring...
***
Nintenfreak: This ain't good.
Elzie: What can we do?
Nintenfreak: Let's ask... The Game Dæmons!
*Nintenfreak pulls out an NES controller and presses start. Game Dæmon 1 enters.*
Game Dæmon 1: Why doth thou summon me?
Nintenfreak/Elzie: *get on their knees and bow* Oh great Game Dæmon 1...
Game Dæmon 1: Arise.
Elzie: *gets up* Master Ditto has doomed the company. He means to release the NICHE in seven days.
Nintenfreak: And without the vending machines doing what vending machines are... uh, supposed to do, I have to go all the way to Wal-Mart just for a pack of Skittles.
Game Dæmon 1: Remember the secret to success, my children.
Nintenfreak/Elzie: It's all in the contracts. Signature Here
Game Dæmon 1: I can see where this is going to take a dæmon's touch.
***
Flutter: ARGH! Stupid... vending machine... stole... my... QUARTER! *kicks vending machine repeatedly*
Bob the Vending Machine: OW! OW!
Björni: Flutter sir! That vending machine doesn't even take quarters!
Flutter: It does when it picks your pockets! *keeps kicking*
Bob: I thought... OW... that I dropped my... OW... quarter in your... OW... pocket! Heh heh heh...
Flutter: Oh? Sorry about that. *pulls out wallet* You must have dropped this in my pocket too, then. *sticks wallet in Bob's shirt pocket*
Bob: Not a problem. Heh heh heh...
Björni: Sweatdop Shouldn't you be getting to work, Mr. Flutter? The NICHE comes out next week.
Flutter: Work... riiiiight... Look! A zoo! *runs*
Björni: . . . Does he realize that we never looked?
***
Techno: The NICHE comes out in seven days? But it is not ready! I shall take matters into my own hands, for the good of this company!
*Techno picks up his Portable Holographic Entertainment System.*
Techno: A couple of adjustments, and the PHES will be ready! Ditto will be so happy, he'll be sure to give the parole people a good report!
*Techno throws his head back and laughs.*
Techno: I can see where this is going to take a doctor's touch.
***
Luigi: Ha! I'm sure glad Ditto didn't fund Crazy Climber now! Maybe I can change it into a comic book series before it's too late...
Author: Yoshiman
****
Yoshiman: MISTER DITTO, YOU'VE GOT TO- *Runs into a door that opens in the hallway, scattering fifty reams of paper everywhere* ACK! *Gathers everything up and goes quickly into Ditto's office*
Ditto: Alright, alright, one more game, but then that's it for today; I'm way too busy. . . Hmm. . . Pirates and zombies? Ninjas, too?
Yoshiman: I didn't make a game like-
Ditto: BRILLIANT!
Yoshiman: No wait, these are pages 44, 881 and 2134. . .
Ditto: This'll be on our lineup immediately!
Yoshiman: But this is incomprehensible! You can't make a puzzle/action/FPS/sports game-
Ditto: You're heading the team to make this.
Yoshiman: BUT I DIDN'T- *Is sucked up through a tube* AAAAGH!
Author: Lupus
*Later, the new assembled group, headed by Yoshiman the dictator, bend around a small table in a dank basement of the Nichibutsu HQ, due to their offices being shut off with a Sars outbreak, listening to Yoshiman give a very long and very boring rant.*
Yoshiman: It is our mission here today to do what me, my grandma, and her grandma before her’s destiny was. No, not to slave drive my fellow work mates to insanity! *laugh track* No, but rather to create the ultimate gaming gem the world has ever seen! And I’m not willing to argue on the fact that Ditto completely misinterpreted my ideas into some ridiculous compound of rubbish, but nevertheless we must make haste and begin to take the gaming world by storm. Nay – not the gaming world! The EVERYTHING WORLD! And then when we’ve conquered the entire world we’ll have nowhere to go with from there and then we’ll begin to wish we’d aimed lower originally, like a small town, so our power trip would have lasted longer! But I digress; we’re all gathered here today by fate! Or actually we’re probably not as I wouldn’t care less if you were replaced with anyone else but it sounds more dramatic if I put it that way. So we must begin our campaign to strike back at the evil world that has devoured my self-righteous consciousness and me to the extents that I am now just a vegetable at death’s door! A vegetable who is absolutely useless to the entire world! *fighting back tears* I will not let this evil world take away what I have left! You may all have had food on your plates when you were younger! But I didn’t even have the plates! I didn’t even have the table, or the house! I barely had proper breathing air! I was that poor and helpless! Who, I ask you, WHO do you think I had to help me through my life? NO-ONE, that’s who! What were we talking about again?
Lupus: You were blabbering on about how we need to make this game.
Yoshiman: Oh yes. As I have doubtlessly put forward unto thou already, we must do this for the future of all mankind! We must rise above all and take down...
*hours pass*
Yoshiman: ...and then the Pirate King Frankenstein is finally defeated in a heartstopping showdown of Gaelic Football by the Ninja Posse after their climactic battle with the Zombie Tetris-Nazis on Mt Evil. Right, so you’re all clear on the details?
Flutter: I completely forgot what you said after the bit where the spiky haired teenage robot clone gets a mission from God after waking up from a nightmare in his small mostly unknown hometown which is in danger of being hit by a meteorite.
Lupus: I couldn’t even remember that bit.
Yoshiman: Listen, it’s simple. We just throw every blatant rip off we can into one package and present it to Ditto by the end of the week! He won’t know the difference!
Lupus: My computer takes longer than a week to boot up.
Yoshiman: Just use someone else’s.
Nintenfreak: I sold mine.
Techno: I dismantled my computer as protest against Ditto and his outrageous prejudice against my genius.
Flutter: You guys had computers?
Yoshiman: So none of you have anything to work on? DITTO! I need a word with you!
*seconds pass*
Yoshiman: *looks around angrily at the shabby basement* Well, I never really expected that to work.
Flutter: What are we supposed to do?
Yoshiman: That... is a good question. Try to configure a way of the Tetris pieces can use cool FMV-powered magic against each other.
Flutter: Ooh, FMV! What a fresh idea!
Nintenfreak: I have a pretty good idea. Maybe one of the spells can be like, FIRE, and another can be sorta like ICE.
Yoshiman: Perfect!
Nintenfreak: My work here is done. *heads towards the door*
Yoshiman: Nintenfreak, don’t think just because I’ve done most of your work for you that you can just sneak away! You’ll be the new courier between the cafeteria and our workshop. Techno, you can be the one who breathes down everyone’s backs as they’re working saying ‘hmm’ and ‘ahh’ because I’ll be too busy playing my SNES to do that. Lupus, you can do everything else. *clicks fingers, and a truck drives out of plothole and dumps its whole load of writing paper onto Lupus’ head*
Lupus: I can’t help but think I’ve been jipped.
Yoshiman: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the 16-bit midi pumping out of my own personal stereo system.
Author: GORE-ILLA
*Nintenfreak and Lupus are sucked through the tubes and deposited in Ditto's office.*
Lupus: Wait, why are we here?
Nintenfreak: Yeah, I just made a breaktrhough in naming the games' attacks-
Ditto: Nintenfreak... you're fired.
Nintenfreak: WHAT???
Ditto: Sorry, I was trying out my Donald Trump impression. Anyway... i need the two of you to go and recruit a new, late-story employee.
Lupus: Where do you want us to look?
Ditto: Just pick some guy off the street at random.
Lupus: Okay, now this just seems like somepathetic excuse for some n00b author to write his character into the story-
Ditto: Lupus...you're fired.
Lupus: WHAT!!!!
Ditto: I swear, I sound more like Trump ach time. Now go recruit that random guy! *presses a button which releases a trampoline which then flings Lupus and Nintenfreak out the window.* Wait, did I remember to leave the saftey mattresses out there? Oh, I'm sure they'll find somrthing to break thir fall.
*AT Vorpalsoft...*
Vorpal: Goom, Ba, I have an important mission for you.
Goom: What is it, boss?
Vorpal: I need you to go an recruit an employee for me, considering that we have none.
Goom: But if we don't have employees, how hae we mad all these game systems-
Vorpal: You are the worst singer in the world.
Goom: ...What?
Vorpal: How do you like my American Idol Simon impression? H's much cooler then Donald Trump.
Ba: Yeah, whatever. So should we put up recruitment ads or-
Vorpal: How did you get here with such a terrible singing voice?
Ba: You hired me, sir.
Vorpal: No, you're supposed to ask me, "What?" and then I point out that I'm doing my amazing impression of Simon from American Idol.
Goom: ...SO how are we going to recruit?
Vorpal: I want you to recruit one random guy off the street.
Ba: Just one? And off the street? That sounds awfully cheap for some author to bring his character into the story-
Vorpal: Bye! *He presses where there should be a button on his desk, then he realizes that he has none.*
Goom: Sir, you never installed any buttons-
Vorpal: Go. Just go.
*Goom and Ba go outside, where they see GORE-ILLA strolling down the street in his cyborg likeness and run towards him, just as Lupus and Nintenfreak land on him.*
GORE: Urgh... wha the...?
Nintenfreak: *gets up and wipes some dust off his shirt* Hello mister and or miss, would you be interested in joining-
GORE: Hey, you're Nintenfreak! Wait, are the Colonel Sanders one or the Junior one?
Nintenfreak: Well I'm quite obviously-
GORE: Hey, its Lupus! Remember me from VGF Member OG? Me, Yami Yoshi, Introbulus, and everyone else was trying to kill you for stealing Yami's cheesecake?
Lupus: No I don't.
GORE: C'mon, you gotta remember! You had that guy named Koopa and that guy with the "u" in his name-
Lupus: *strangles GORE* It's a W! W, DAMMIT!!! AS IN QWIRTZOK!! *lets go of GORE* I mean... doesn't ring a bell. Perhaps my memory would be refereshed if you join Nichibutsu-
GORE: Sure, why not?
Goom: Because Nichibutsu is led by a bedwetter, wheras the superior Vorpalsoft is led by the supreme multi-millionaire Vorpal!
GORE: Sounds convincing, I guess I'll go with Vorpalsoft then...
Nintenfreak: No! Vorpalsoft only makes kiddy games, so join Nichibutsu!
GORE: Well if you put it that way, I guess I'll join Nichibutsu...
Ba: Incorrect, Vorpalsoft only makes family games, Nichibutsu's game brainwash teenagers into becoming murderes.
GORE: How horrible! Guess I'm going with Vorpalsoft then...
Lupus: Well Vopalsoft has no other employees to help you, but on the other hand Nichibutsu has many.
GORE: Well I don't want to be alone, so I'll go with Nichibutsu.
Goom: But if you join Vorpalsoft you'll get a higher salary!
GORE: I'll go with my money and check out Vorpalsoft-
Nintenfreak: But Nichibutsu had the famous Crazy Climber video games-
GORE: Then Nichibutsu-
Ba: But Vorpalsoft's Grand Theft Astro is a teeming sucess-
GORE: ENOUGH! Why don't you four settle this in a civilized manner, like a battle to the death?
Vorpal: Souds cool.
Goom: I'm donw with that.
Nintenfreak & Ba: Insert various phrases acknowledging our decision to participate in the battle here.
GORE: Alrght! Rule number one: THERE ARE NO RULES!!! Rule Number two: No outside food. Now FIGHT!!
*Lupus draws a sword and charges towards Goom, who rolls up into a ball in fright. Lupus loses control and steps right over Goom. Beforre he can stop himself, he slips and gets lodged in a small manhole. Nintenfreak then runs up to Goom, who's still rolled up in a ball, and kicks himinto the air. Goom bounces off a mailbox and hits Nintenfreak in the forehea, knocking him out.*
GORE: Alright, I'm joining Vorpalsoft! It's final!
Ba: *hands GORE a contract* Good now sign this contract, and give us... YOUR SOUL!! *close-up of Ba's face as lightning inexplicably strikes in the background* MWAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAA-
GORE: Got a pen?
Ba: Sure. *hands him one* -AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!111
GORE: *signs* Alright, it's done.
Ba: Excellant. No welcome to Vorpalsoft. AND YOUR DOOM!!! MWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA-
GORE: Here's your pen back.
Ba: Oh, thanks. -AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAAAAA!!!!
Author: Yoshiman
*Lupus and Nintenfreak come back, looking very battered*
Yoshiman: What happened to you?
Lupus: Recruiting accident.
Yoshiman: And you're not working on the game. . . why?
Nintenfreak: It's still lunch break.
Yoshiman: Oh, okay.
Lupus: *To Nintenfreak* If Ditto finds out we didn't recruit that guy that was very obviously the entire reason we went out to recreuit in the first place, he'll kill us!
Nintenfreak: Or worse yet, fire us!
Yoshiman: I don't think that's a problem. My alternate personality Wrange Tirk could always use a job.
*Later*
Tirk: Verily! This offer be a gift from the almighty God! I shalt taketh up mine post as a gladiator-
Nintenfreak: Programmer.
Tirk: That be what I just sayeth. - Progawhatsit, and mine enemies shalt falleth before me like flies!
Lupus: Actually, you're gonna be telling the computer to make the hero inside it make the enemies fall before that hero.
Tirk: I supposeth that dost bode verily. *Pokes computer with sword* Now what beist this contraption of witchery?
Lupus: This might take a while.
Nintenfreak: Do you posses any skills which would be valuable to our company?
Tirk: Sayeth it in Olde Englisheth.
Nintenfreak: *sigheth* Doesth thou posseseth any skills which wouldeth beth valuable to our company...eth?
Tirk: I canst do this! *Pulls leg over his head*
Lupus: Hey, I have a fun game we can play!
Tirk: What game d oyou suggesteth?
Lupus: It's called Runwithscissors.
Tirk: This game doth sound cooleth.
*Lupus hand Tirk a pari of Scissors*
Tirk: .... *eyes bulge* What be this devilry? What instrument of Satan hast thou given me?!!?
Lupus: Rats...
Author: Vorpal
~Back at Vorpalsoft~
GORE: Soooo... we rip off games and produce them for The EVILS.
Vorpal: Exactly!
GORE: ... Sounds... brilliant!!!
Vorpal: Heh heh heh
GORE: But I don't get why you're competing with Nichibutsu... their company doesn't even have a staff competent enough to produce a game.
~back at Nichibutsu~
Tirk: *runs after Lupus with sword* Thou must die the death of a thousand Danes!
Lupus: *narrowly dodges sword strike* Ack!
~back to Vorpalsoft~
Vorpal: I don't know if I'd call them incompitent... Just that they work for Ditto... Ditto sucks... I mean it... ever have him for a Vice President?
GORE: *stares blankly*
Vorpal: Oh! Right... different OG! Anyway... it's not so much to be a succesful company, but to make sure Ditto fails miserably at it... that's all.
GORE: ........
Vorpal: *raises eyebrow*
GORE: SWEET!
Vorpal: *ala Burns* Excellent!
Author: Ditto McCloaker
Ditto: *is siting huddled in his office, staring fearfully at the ringing phones.*
*Masa and Mune enter*
Ditto: Lost... all is lost...
Masa: Problem?
Ditto: Tomorrow the Nichi launches... We have one game in Beta testing, the rest are still in pre-development. The console itself is a shoebox full of wires...
Mune: And?
Ditto: And your 'grandfather' cut off funding! >_<
Masa: Which is why I think you'll be MOST interested in our proposition.
Ditto: Whatever. It's too late for anything now...
Masa: What if I told you we had a console AND games for the Nichi?
Ditto: That's impossible.
?????: Oh. But you are DEAD WRONG.
Ditto: Wha!?
*an old man enters. His face is obscured by an old fedora hat. His accent is vaguely japanese*
Old Man: I've been watching you Ditto McCloaker. And I have to admit, you failed even worse than I thought.
Ditto: Hey, well you know. One thing happened and then-
Old Man: Enough! Do you know who I am?
Ditto: The President of Nichibutsu Japan...
Old Man: Good. That shall do for now. I know your company is destined for greatness. Which is why I bring this. *reaches deep in pocket and pull out... a toaster*
Ditto: Uhm... how is toast going to help us?
Old Man: Aiya! Quiet! Masa... Mune!
Masa: Aye!
Mune: Sir! *they both reach in their pockets and pull out controllers*
Old Man: Now. *slides in a game cartridge shaped like a piece of toast into the toaster, then flips the switch*
*suddenly the Big Screen TV in Ditto's office lights up. At first the words "Nichibutsu" appears, then is followed by a huge logo that says "Guru's Galleon". Ditto watches in awe as the game unfolds of a ancient pirate guru going around plundering ships and leaving cryptic good advice to his victims*
Ditto: .... amazing!
Old Man: And you will do better. I offer you this console, this game, and two others to launch with. They will do you well, but everything else is up to you! I'm counting on you not to mess up.
Ditto: Yessir!
Old Man: *slips into the shadows and vanishes*
Masa: *whispering* Think Ditto suspected?
Mune: Perhaps. But it'll take him a while to figure out...
~~~~~~~~~~~
MEANWHILE...
Vorpal: Yessir!
Ancient Dude: *slips into the shadows and vanishes*
Goom: *whispering* Think Vorpal suspected?
Ba: Perhaps. But it'll take him a while to figure out...
*turns toaster over in hands*
Ditto: My, my, my... this is a most intriguing device. And how mysterious that that old man would give it to me so easily...
...and yet. And YET.
*has idea*
Ditto: I have made my decision! *slams fist down on The Button. Everyone is sucked up into his office*
Yoshiman: HEY! We were planning secret stuff down there you weren't supposed to know about!
Ditto: Yes, yes. And now for something completely different. BEHOLD. I show you our latest product. *pulls napkin off toaster* The NICHE 64.
*awed gasps*
Ditto: Yes. This nifty little item will fill the gap in our product line until we perfect the other NICHE.
*everyone stares*
Ditto: Which means that, yes, your butts are off the fire now.
*everyone sighs in relief*
Ditto: OR SO YOU'D THINK!
*everyone gasps*
Ditto: *sits back in chair* This thing's pretty cutting edge, for the moment. But cutting edge doesnt' cut it at Nichibutsu!
*everyone gasps*
*Yoshiman feints*
TirK: An apothecary! This man has been over-gasped!
Ditto: Now hear this. I'm giving you all ONE WEEK to go forth, individually or in teams... and submit ideas for PERIPHERALS for the NICHE64.
The one who submits the winning idea will get the Key to the Executive Washroom, and a bonus. The rest will get your usual piddling bonuses. The loser... will get the SHAFT!
*everyone looks at each other*
Yoshiman: *getting up* But I was about to submit a game to beat all you ever saw, and-
Ditto: And so you may. You can go forward with your project. BUT I ALSO WANT A PERIPHERAL! Or it's the SHAFT! Muahahahaha.
NOW GO! *slams button and everyone is sucked back to their offices*
*stares out window to building across street*
Ditto: *smirking* Your move, Vorpsy.