Pibb and Tennis Page 3
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Author: Weaselfingers
~the flying tennis court flies up next to the temple, and Pilot attaches it to the temple with rubber bands so that it doesn't fly away and get lost and be chased by a tennis-court catcher and go on all sorts of zany adventures but eventually learn in the end that all you really need in life is friendship. Tennis courts don't need to know about friendship. Or else they'll rebel. Against us.~
Pilot: Come out and fight us!
Greenspan: NEVER!
Pilot: Are you CHICKEN?
Greenspan: Of course not! ~comes out to fight them~
Pilot: Hey, cool! Lose to us!
Greenspan: NEVER!
Pilot: Are you OWL?
Greenspan: The owl is a noble bird that symbolizes wisdom and the question "O RLY?" I'm honored to be considered an owl!
Pilot: :(
And so, Pilot and Argyle fought against Alan Greenspan. They lost miserably. After they were defeated, he killed them and used their body parts to make two hideous monsters . . . one of them is crazy, and one of them is serious! And they're roomates!
That is what would have happened if it was any other day of the year. But it's not any other day of the year. It's this day of the year. So this is what happened:
(on this day)
(of the year)
Pilot and Argyle: ~are defeated~
Greenspan: NOW I WILL KILL YOU AND USE YOUR BODY PARTS TO MAKE TWO HIDEOUS MONSTERS . . . ONE OF THEM IS
*FFSTTT*
George Washington: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Everyone: ~GASP~ IT'S PRESIDENT GEORGE WASHINGTON!
Washington: Yes. Yes it is. Every year, on my birthday (observed), I can leave Heaven: SPECIAL PRESIDENT EDITION!! and return to Earth to haunt the man who killed me. Oh wait, I died of old age, didn't I? Then I guess I just hang out and play tennis or whatever.
Argyle: There's a special Heaven for Presidents?
Washington: Yes. It's like the normal one, except everybody gets their own bathroom. Also, St Peter does not run by screaming "Everything you know is wrong black is white up is down and short is long"
Pilot: Is it a town in Michigan?
Washington: stfu n00b. Now, I'm here to help you!
Greenspan: Gee, thanks!
Washingon: When I said "you" I was using the plural "you", in order to refer to Pilot and Argyle.
Greenspan: :( :( :( :( But they're defeated!
Pilot and Argyle: ~are no longer defeated~
Washington: Now, let's combine our powers in order to defeat him!
~Washington throws a tennis ball in the air and he, Pilot, and Argyle all swing at it at the same time. Under most circumstances this would just result in their rackets all hitting and losing all their power, but he has Presidential Magic~
*FFSTTT*
Greenspan: I AM DEFEATED! Oh, wait! Hey! I'm not!
Abe Lincoln: ~blocks the tennis ball~
Washington: LINCOLN! My arch-nemesis! It's because of YOU that I don't get a holiday to myself! Just some "PRESIDENTS DAY"! You STOLE my holiday, and now you're trying to steal my appearance in the OG! I'll destroy you!
Lincoln: Sorry, but it's just as much my holiday as it is yours! I defeated you in the forming of national holidays, and I can defeat you again!
Greenspan: We can beat them now! Let's go!
*FFSTTT* *FFSTTT* *FFSTTT* *FFSTTT*
Taft: Don't worry, Pilot, I'll help you!
John Not Quincy Adams: I could NEVER side with Washington.
John Quincy Adams: I'll fight with you guys, Pilot, since rebelling against your parents is cool in today's society.
Argyle: Hey, there's too many. It'll be hard to keep things even.
Greenspan: Me and Pilot will be captains, and we'll both take turns picking members for our teams.
Every President Ever: ok
~~LATER~~
Greenspan: Um . . . okay, I guess I'll go with the other Harrison.
Pilot: Awww, MAN! That means we're stuck with HARDING.
Greenspan: Hah! Now . . . Red Rover, Red Rover, send Garfield right . . . oh yeah, we play tennis. BATTLE TENNIS TIME NOW
~MEANWHILE~
Weekday: And now a word from our sponsors. When we get back, we'll talk to people who are in two different places at once in the same OG!
Author: Golem
Weaselfingers: Hold it, hold it! There's something very important about Heaven: SPECIAL PRESIDENT EDITION!! that I didn't get a chance to mention.
Weekday: Okay, well, you can mention it in the commentary or--
Weaselfingers: Presidents who haven't died yet can still be there,
Weekday: No you can't say this now because--
Weaselfingers: because time is meaningless in Heaven.
Weekday: LISTEN WEASELFINGERS I'M TRYING TO HAVE A SHOW HERE--
Weaselfingers: BUT no Presidents who haven't been elected yet ever return to Earth,
Weekday: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Weaselfingers: because there's a mandatory showing of Back To The Future every President's Day Eve, so all of the future Presidents are afraid that they'll save their party's life and their party will nominate their future selves instead of the present ones. Also,--
~AaronGuy runs in and punches Weaselfingers.~
AaronGuy: That's for interrupting a lady!
~Back at the fight...~
President Theodore Roosevelt: You know, President Garfield, your presidency would be a lot funnier if you didn't have any talk/thought bubbles.
Author: Fred
Greenspan: Alright, now that we're set up, let's GET DOWN TO BUISNESS
...
Pilot: uh, yeah.
Washington: As it turns out, besides the fact that this tennis court is too small for us all, most of us can't even play tennis. I mean I can't, I just have that good old presidential magic. Johnson.
Dark: What about those robots we let down a while ago?
Greenspan: Shush, adults are talking!
Dark: but a butbut buh but a-but BUT PILOT IS A TEEN
Greenspan: With SOME facial hair, LOSER.
(all the presidents laugh)
Dark: ... Very well, but you forgot to change the password on your huge flyswatter arm weapon laser necktie things you ordered in from portugal.
Greenspan: Why's it matter that it's still "fattyBear"? I mean, you don't know that.
Dark: Okay, sorry, just making sur- oh, thanks for the password. Now I can play minesweeper. (goes back inside)
Argyle: Um...
Greenspan: SHIT THAT'S NOT MINESWEEPERRRRRRRRr
(The huge flyswatter smashes an enormous golden tennis ball at them, and it explodes)
Pilot: Well, it seems similar.
(The floating platform is mostly ruined, with holes and flames everywhere. Washington and Lincoln fight to the death with lightsabers while Greenspan is left to fight Argyle and Pilot)
Greenspan: I have a new challenge for you - EXTREME TENNIS SCRABBLE!
Pilot: Can't you just beat us the other way anyways?
Greenspan: yeah, but... I REALLY wanted to try this one out.
Argyle: uhm, okay, we're open to new things when they're violently forced on us.
(about two hours later)
Greenspan: crap! I forgot that I was terrible at scrabble! Noooo!
(Alan jumps off of the court, to his death)
Pilot: I give him like four posts to resurrect.
Argyle: Shut up. Now, to destroy your total opposite.
Pilot: I don't really mind him, to tell you the truth. Too bad he isn't a chick.
Argyle: Actually, yeah, that doesn't make much sense.
(suddenly, a huge robotic suit that is practically MADE of tennis comes out, loaded to the brim with rackets and huge netting tentacles. It is obviously piloted (I MEAN SAILED) by Dark)
Dark: I can't freaking drive this thing, or my name's not Sailor Dark! DARK TIARA POWER!
Pilot: Well, he seems incompetent as well. He's not my total opposite.
Argyle: I suppose it's pretty hard to be the absoloute opposite of a person...
Pilot: THIS IS OUR FINAL MATCH at least for this disk LET'S GET IT ON CHOOSE PARTY MEMBERS
Argyle: This is only like page three, and there's only two of us. Plus he's not really opposing us so much as flailing around helplessly.
Pilot: Which one of us is the EVIL Tennis King here?
Argyle: Damn it, you're right-
Pilot: No, honestly, it's a question. I completely forgot.
Dark: A little help here! And a little means a lot!
Pilot: I kinda actually wonder what ever happened to TennisMaster.
Dark: I'm not kidding!
Argyle: I'm not sure really. I am sure that I'm not going near that huge robot to save some guy who is supposedly your total opposite anytime soon, I'm all culminating-fighted out, man.
Pilot: I kinda want to go into the atmosphere-traveling church and check what's on TV. I hear that the Winter Olympic ice skating without clothes comes on soon.
Author: Weaselfingers
Dark: The Olympics are over, idiot.
Pilot: CURSE THE RAPIDITY OF THE OG TIMESTREAM
Argyle: What's up with that anyways? I mean, just the other day it was President's Day, and now it's . . .
Ash Ketchum: ASH WEDNESDAY!
Everybody ever: GASP!!!!
Ash: I'm here to help you defeat Greenspan!
Pilot: I totally beat him earlier, using my incredible tennis skills and my ability to make people feel like jump from high places after talking to me!
Ash: But . . . no! I wanted to defeat him, using the power of
Pilot: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ash: friendship!
Pilot: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE
Argyle: What did he do?
Pilot: I told you to look at what he did for a reason. If I was going to tell you, I would have said "Please listen while I explain what he did"
Argyle: OK ~looks~
Flying Tennis Court: . . . . . !
Argyle: Did that tennis court just . . . talk? Without actually using any words?
Flying Tennis Court: . . . . frrrrrriiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeendddddds?
Ash: Yes! With friendship, you can
PILOT uses RUBBER BAND ATTACK on ASH!
Ash: OW
Pilot: You can't tell tennis courts about friendship!
Ash: But friends are FUN!
Flying Tennis Court: *sprouts a giant face. A giant HAPPY face*
Ash: ~GASP~ It's actually a Ditto!
Pilot: No! It's a tennis court that learned about friendship!
Flying Tennis Court: FRREIIIIIIEENDSHHHHHP
Ash: But it looks so happy! Look at it!
Flying Tennis Court: *happily opens its happy mouth and consumes all of the remaining presidents*
Ash: OMG! IT KILLED KENNEDY!
Pilot: . . .
Argyle: . . .
Pilot, Argyle: ~shove Ash off the Tennis Court~
Ash: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWW
Greenspan: Yo
Ash: Hey
Author: Vorpal
Uppoty-Nosed Party Pooper: I am here to correct some inconsistencies that have been presented in some of the previous posts. George Washington did not die of old age, but he died after an overuse of leeches let out too much of his blood. And if John Quincy Adams were to side with ANY president, it probably would've been George Washington, who he knew as a child. They probably should've picked Andrew Jackson instead. Also, James Garfield's presidency would've been a lot funnier if he wasn't shot to death only a few months into his term.
Everyone Else: BOOOOOORIIIIING!!!!
Uppity-Nosed Party Pooper: I'm just saying...
Pilot: Hey! Both of you! Out!
Uppity-Nosed Party Pooper & Everybody Else: ~walk away dejected~
Argyle: Where were we?
Pilot: We were about to be eaten by the flying tennis court.
Argyle: Right.
Flying Tennis Court: FRIEEEEEENDS!
Pilot & Argyle: ~holding each other~ AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Weekday: Wake up! Wake up!
Argyle: Why can I suddenly understand Weekday?
~Pilot and Argyle wake up screaming and holding each other~
Pilot: .... ~blinks~
Argyle: .... ~blinks~
~both suddenly withdraw from each other~
Pilot & Argyle: Ewww! Gross!
Pilot: Well... at least it was all just a dream.... Hey.... where's Weekday?
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!
Author: Fred
Pilot: Wait, if that's a dream, then why are we in the same bed?
Argyle: How did we have the same dream?
Pilot: I mean, we did nothing to end up in here?!11124
(Weekday, who is instead of vibrant young lady, walks into the room)
Weekday: I'm afraid that all of that was a dream.
Pilot: what the - I'm really a window?
Argyle: And I'm a shutter? Laaaaame.
Weekday: I'm afraid it's true. It's all true AHHAAHAHAHA
Pilot: I like you better when you can't talk. I mean this is a totally complimentary way, by the way, baby.
Weekday: We're not going out. In fact, we're rivals in the game of ANTI-Tennis. Meet my boyfriend, Dark!
Dark: ...
Pilot: A windshield! You slut!
Argyle: How did we even co-ordinate a dream?
Pilot: Malaria. (Turns into a huge little kid with a baseball bat and ball) I mean we didn't.
Argyle: AHHHHGH THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME THERE'S
(Argyle wakes up to a planet covered in beautiful women fondling over him)
Argyle: AHHHHH A WORLD WITHOUT URINALS
(Argyle wakes up to find he's dreaming that he's sleeping)
Argyle: This is too weird.
(Argyle wakes up to a gigantic ghost clam door-to-door insurance salesman)
salesman: You wouldn't like me when I have a kneecap. This is your real world, Argyle!
Argyle: AAHHGHGR! Back to sleep!
(Argyle falls back to sleep through the multiple steps until he finally gets back to the story)
Argyle: whew... hi guys!
Pilot: Hiiiii, Dilllll.
Dark: WELL I'M NOT, DOUG. INSTEAD I MAY BE SKEETER OR PEPPERMINT PATTY HONK HONK
Argyle: Oh, you guys. It's good to be back in my real world.
(Meanwhile...)
Salesman: Sir, sir? Oh, he's fallen asleep again...I guess I can slip some fliers around his house or whisper in his ear or something... or I could wait here another week...
Author: Golem
~Elsewhere in the friendship blimp thing...~
ETK: I gotta say, holding the winter olympics in a blimp was a fantastic idea. Too bad the Olympic torch didn't get anywhere near that hydrogen or oxygen or whatever keeps this thing floating.
Snively: It'sz MAHGIC, ssir.
ETK: Shut up, Snively. ~sweeps Snively into a dustpan~
~Back with Pilot and the others...~
Pilot: ~tightly holding onto Weekday~ So, just so the facts are straight, where are we?
~some people run by playing the Mario theme on a trumpet~
Argyle: We're in the friendship blimp thing.
~The EVIL Tennis King walks up to Argyle from behind and taps him on the shoulder.~
ETK: Wake up, Argyle!
Argyle: I'M AWAKE AND THAT'S THAT.
Pilot: Woah! Who are you? Want to join our party?
ETK: Maybe... but I need someone to help me find my lost dog first... You see he was on a leash and--
Pilot: How is that? I mean, I've heard taking candy from strangers is better.
Dark: Taking candy from stragers is DA BOMB. Seriously, it blows helping strangers to find pets out of the water. Helping strangers to find pets is out of its league in this here case!
Argyle: I have to dispute that.
~Argyle jumps on top of Desperdorado, picks him up, and throws him at Dark.~
Desperdorado: I am personally a fan of finding people's lost candy??
Argyle: Listen, we're bordering on innuendo way too closely now.
ETK: WELL OK THANKS GANG MY DOG IS STILL LOST. :(
Desperdorado: ~eats popcorn~
Pilot: I'm going to have to turn down your finding lost pets offer, too. Another question is something which I am about to pose you, though: do you know of any titled sodas? Sodas with titles such as "Ms." or "Br."? Perhaps... "Mr."?
ETK: !!!!!!!!!
~Everybody looks around, puzzled.~
Argyle: Okay, answer the boy seriously this time.
Author: Fred
ETK: Uh, er, no, I've never heard anything like that SHUTUP I AM NOT THE EVIL TENNIS OR TETNIS OR TETRIS OR TODDLER KING FOR WHOM YOU STAND AGAINST IN ALL FORMS EXCEPT THE SECOND FORM, SAFER SEPHIROTH AND WILL INEVITABLY BATTLE TOWARDS THE END OF THIS OG CONSIDERING THERE MIGHT BE AN EPILOGUE
Pilot: Nothing suspicious about that!%
Argyle: What are you talking about? Also, why did you use a percen-
Desporado: Looks like I have of fooled this trick with of you! I am truly here!
Argyle: What? Honestly, star-
Pilot: Desporado, you must know first that I AM YOUR FATHER
Desporado: No also I am Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws
Pilot: ASTONISHED GASP!
Argyle: Did you just say you were his fa-
ETK: Yes, and I am really GOING I need to pick up my EVIL I mean fun-loving kids from EVIL I mean junior tennis practice I leave you to die at the hands of Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws.
Pilot: You're a nice and good fellow, but we're not particularily looking forward to dying at the hands of Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws. I mean, we're open to new things, but-
ETK: Also I'm taking Weekday hostage I mean as a houseguest for like ever
Pilot: forever or for like ever
ETK: I can't remember read the script bye
(ETK GETS AWAY OH NO(es) (choose one or two or neither and provide a three hundred word essay on WHY))
Argyle: how did we get on this blimp aga-
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: I vill enjoy snapping your puny molars in three, yeh man???
Argyle: Gz-
Dark: Rather than find a dog, it's time for tennis!
Pilot: pfft. Maybe for you.
Dark: Why, the nerve of some people!
Pilot: Tennis is old man. It's been done.
Dark: Then what are you going to do?
Pilot: Looking towards a promising career in unemployment.
Dark: You're not cut out! You have no credidentials or anything!
Argyle: GUYS! STOP INTERRUPTING ME FOR ONE SECOND IT'S IMPORTANT THA-
Pilot: Crap you're right Dark, it's a tough market to suceed in. I hear there's a glass ceiling like as soon as you get in.
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: Guys I am totally the villain cower in fear plz come on I want to get back to Fire Emblem
Pilot: You're boring and have no backstory, do you truly think you can beat us?
Dark: The thought of defeating young, vibrant warriors with a true cause is ludicrous!
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: Young and vibrant? I am a child of four!
Pilot: shit maybe we should have let the narrator describe him... But can you beat us at our own game?
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: PR-probably not. Personal Relations. Yeah, this is not going to turn out well.
(about five minutes later, everyone except Argyle is roped up)
Argyle: Guys, that was the saddest thing I've ev-
Pilot: Shut up! How were we to know that he is instilled with the sacred spirit of Tennising?
Argyle: Why does that matter? Watch th-
(Argyle steps on Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws's forehead hard, sending him scuttling into a wall, and knocking him out cold)
Argyle: And now I'm being interrupted by the Narrat-
Pilot: You did it!
Dark: Now untie us. AND THEN SLAUGHTER MILLIONS OF INNOCENT KITTENS YES MAEUREAHRAEIRSIESH#$R!@!
Pilot: I wish you were more like Chrono.
Genie: Ask, and ye shall receive!
Argyle: Wait, nooooo- that would be ba-
Genie: I was just kidding with you. It is I, TennisMaster, here to offer you one more chance to allow me to join before I STRING MY RACKETS WITH PILOT, DARK, AND ARGYLE-GUT.
Dark: Are you not a Genie? You've got amazing cosmic power, but itty bitty living space.
Genie: Uh, yeah, my apartment's kinda smallish- NOOOOOOO.
Argyle: What n-
Genie: I just missed friends! I can't believe this.
Argyle: So, wait, you're TennisMaster and a genie at the same ti-
Genie: NO, GOD, IDIOT! I'm Neither.
Pilot: So you're Neither.
Neither: Is that what I said?
Dark: I suppose.
Neither: I challenge you, Argyle, to a tennis match!
Dark: You... uh, all of your limbs are gimped.
(Neither uses his chin to press a button on his chest, and tennis rackets burst out of where his two legs and arms end prematurely)
Argyle: Wait, is that even healthy for you? while (i != 12) { scanf("%c", &jewishspleen); i--
Dark: You're totally going to get a parse error for that, man.
Pilot: ENOUGH! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Argyle: We're the protagonists! Can we truely solve all problems with violence and still-
Pilot/Dark: YES JEEZ EVER READ ABOUT RICHARD LIONHEART III?
Argyle: I, uh, can't read so well, and-
Neither: CHALLENGE ME BEFORE I DIE OF BLOOD LOSS OR AT LEAST BLOOD CLOTTING OR SOMETHING
Author: AaronGuy
Pilot: Hurry up Argyle! The sooner we beat this guy, the sooner we can go to that guys house and get Weekday!
Argyle: Fine, fine. Do you mind giving a hand?
Pilot: Well he only challenged you, so-
Argyle: WHOA
Pilot: What?
Argyle: WHOA
Pilot: What?!
Argyle: WHOA
Pilot: WHAT?!
Argyle: I'm not being interrupted anymore! I'm so happy! ~proceeds to do a small jig~
Neither: Grr... try to ignore me, will you? We'll see about that. ~With his tounge, Neither presses down on the tooth in the far back right of his mouth, which clicks. Suddenly, the tennis rackets on his arms retract, and a pair of deadly looking energy rifles appear. He aims one gun at Pilot's head, the other at Argyle's.~ Now all I have to do is charge them...
Pilot: LIKE I WAS SAYING...
Neither: Ten percent charged...
Pilot: He only challenged you.
Neither: Twenty five percent...
Argyle: But he has four rackets, so it's like four on one. It'd be more fair if you helped. Heck, if Dark wasn't ambiguously villianous, I'd cut him loose so HE could help too.
Neither: Sixty percent...
Dark: Hey, come on now! This is like the end of the first disk, and that means that it's time for a big plot twist!
Neither: Seventy percent!
Pilot: Actually, it's the middle of page three.
Neither: Seventy-FIVE!
Argyle: And this is Tennis, not an RPG.
Neither: Eighty-two!
Dark: Whatever! What if the plot twist was a bad guy defecting to the other side and being totally cool and achingly beautiful and getting fanfiction written about him and disturbing fanart that involves-
Neither: ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CHARGED! FI-
~The wall behind Neither explodes, sending him flying across the blimp and landing on a soft pillow~
Neither: Hey, that didn't hurt a bit!
Energy Rifles: -Warning:-rifles-overloaded.-Self-destuction-imminent.-
Neither: oh
~BOOM~
Pilot: Wow, what was all that?
~As the smoke clears, through the hole that the explosion made, a massive helicopter, as large as several tennis fields with at least a dozen propellers keeping it aloft, can be seen. It flies closer, shaking the blimp slightly.~
~Three grappling lines fire off of the helicopter, striking just above the hole that was most likely created by the helicopter. Three figures zip down the grappling lines, approaching quickly. As they get closer, it is seen that they are heavily armored, and that they are using various sports equipment to zip down the lines.~
Argyle: I don't like the looks of this, Pilot.
Pilot: Me either.
Dark: Hey! Doesn't anyone want to hear what I'M thinking?
Pilot: Shut it up you.
~The three figues leap in through the hole the first, a woman with fiery red hair, glares at the two heroes and the possibly-anti-but-honestly-I-don't-know-anymore-I-mean-I-just-started-posting-again hero Dark.~
Woman with Lacrosse Stick: You three. Where is your King?
Pilot: What are you talking about, lady?
Large Man with Hockey Stick: Don't fool with us, boy! We KNOW this is the Tennis King's Blimp! Now where is he?!
Pilot: WHAT?! EVIL TENNIS KING WAS HERE?!
Dark: You know, if you just let me go I would have told-
Pilot: Oh god! That guy WAS Evil Tennis King! And he KIDNAPPED WEEKDAY!
Dark: No I know how Argyle felt last po-
Pilot: WHY GOD WHYYYY
Dark: AUUUUUUUGH ~thrashes around but is still tied up so he just shimmy-shakes a little to the left and right~
Man with Sunglasses and Pool Cue: ...Something tells me these imbeciles aren't in leauge with the Tennis King, Portia...
Woman with Lacrosse Stick: Yes, I just figured that. ~to the three~ So, if none of you are minions of the Tennis King, why are you here?
Pilot: Well, Argyle and I-
Argyle: Hello.
Pilot: -were going to stop this thing from destroying Hell (it is a town), and our MAIN quest is to defeat the Evil Tennis King and reclaim Titled Soda.
Woman: ~blinks~ You mean you're freedom fighters, trying to overthrow the King's rule?
Pilot: What? No! We just want some soda for our-
Woman: ~Already talking to the large man~ SEE, Rufus? I TOLD you that some Americans would still have the will to stand up against their government.
Man with Hockey Stick: Pah. Some fighters. The three of them couldn't possibly defeat the King.
Argyle: Actually, Dark isn't a hero. I'm pretty sure he's a bad guy.
Dark: Am not! I am totally a good person! I donate to charity every week!
Argyle: Oh yeah? What charity?
Dark: ...The 'Drown your Puppies' fund.
Argyle: Right. You're a bad guy.
Pilot: You two be quiet for a second. ~turns to the three armored people~ Now, who are YOU guys?!
Lady: Oh, right. Introductions. I am Portia Vase, leader of the Crusaders of the Southern LaCross. The man with the Hockey Stick is Rufus Shingles, my second in command, and the person with the sunglasses is Lacquer Boots, our scout. We are here because our country-
Pilot: What country?
Portia: Somewhere in Europe. Like I said-
Dark: If you're from Europe, how come you don't have a funny accent.
Portia: ~angrily~ Because my script has it written in plain english, okay?! Anyways, we consider your King to be a danger to the rest of the world, so a Crusade was called on America to overthrow him from power.
Argyle: Really? That's great!
Rufus: We were also told to stop him by any means necessary, without any care for the lives of the Americans.
Argyle: Okay, that's not so good...
Lacquer: And we were also told to destroy this ship and everyone on it.
Argyle: That's bad. But look, we're good guys too! Can't we all just get along?
Lacquer: You SAY you're a good guy, but what if you AREN'T?
Argyle: ...what?
Lacquer: You think you're against the King, I am sure. But he might have you brainwashed, boy. He's leading you on, doing his dirty work for him, without even knowing. ~takes out a cube of chalk and uses it on the tip of his pool cue~ I don't want to take that chance.
Argyle: Seriously, that would only be true if we were collecting Crystal Stars or Talismans for him. We're pretty much just chasing him right now.
Pilot: And the more time we waste HERE, the farther away he's getting!
Rufus: You have a point, kid.
Pilot: Thanks!
Rufus: We'll just skip the chit-chat and arrest you all now.
Pilot: WHAT?!
Portia: Sorry, but we can't be having others aware of the Crusaders presence just yet. Especially if there's the chance the King has placed wires in your ears so he can hear our conversation. The only way to set your people free is through lots and lots of violence, so it might as well start here.
Argyle: Okay, first of all, YOUR HELICOPTER IS FREAKIN' HUGE. I'm sure LOTS of people know you're here now. Second, just because our leader is evil and tyrannical doesn't mean we all are completely bent to his will whether we know it or not!
Portia: Enough! We can do this the easy way or the hard way! Make your choice!
Pilot: What do we do, Argyle?
Argyle: Well, there's no chance of running. We gotta fight. But we're outnumbered...
Dark: ~untied~ Not anymore.
Argyle: DAH DAH DAH DAH HOW DID YOU GET UNTIED?
Dark: I undid the knots. I used to be a Boy Scout. In fact... ~takes out a rusty old swiss army knife, and presses a button on the side. One of the compartments springs open, revealing a tennis racket~ You may still think I'm evil, but I don't want to get arrested any more than you do.
Pilot: Right. We will fight together. LIKE BROTHERS
Dark: Uh, right. ~Takes out a Machine Tennis Ball~ Take this! ~smacks it at the Crusaders, who recoil as it explodes~
Argyle: Wow, good one!
Dark: Not quite. That was my only one. But there's a stockpile of tennis-ball related weaponry a few levels down on the blimp. C'mon!
~The three run off~
Portia: ~coughing as the smoke from the blast clears~ Curses! Quick, you two! After them!
Author: Golem
Pilot: We're leaving Corneria city now! Everyone neglect your systems!
Dark: My G-Diffuser is horribly broken!
Pilot: If Desperdorado were here, he'd say, "I've got a fly on my nose!"
~Pilot uses his tennis racket to shoo the fly away just as they enter a run-down eating hall.~
Dark: This is excellent!
~Soon, people pop up and start throwing food at Pilot and company.~
Argyle: Don't do a barrel roll!
Pilot: Well okay.
~They let the food hit them, and come up to a series of arches strewn about. Pilot zig-zags through each one.~
Dark: That's some pretty drunk running there, Light!
Tennis Machine Ball in Dark's Pocket: A BOMB HAS BEEN DEACTIVATED IN THE EATING HALL.
Pilot: Geez! Can someone ignore that?!
Portia: I'm afraid we can't let you do that, Light!
Rufus: It's a good thing your mommy is here to see you succeed!
Pilot: So, what, you're going to make us reactivate the bomb to blow up this ship?
Portia: Yeeah, that's... that's what's goin' dowwwwn. You guys activating a bomb, that's mostly the event of today.
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes
~Desperdorado, Desperdorado, and Desperdorado rush down the hall, chased by Desperdorado, Desperdorado, and Desperdorado.~
Desperdorado: We totally CANNOT reactivate that bomb! What would Desperdorado think of me?
Desperdorado: I think we should. Maybe when we escape the blimp and it crashes, it'll destroy a small town.
Desperdorado: If those three back there catch us, we won't have much of a choice, you real--.
Desperdorado: Uh, yeah, duh, that's why we're running.
Desperdorado: Shut up, Desperdo--
Desperdorado: THE BOMB!
Desperdorados: SET IT SET IT SET IT!
Desperdorados: NOOOOOOOO!
~Meanwhile~
~Desperdorado lands on the blimp after parachuting from something shut up I don't know what.~
Desperdorado: Guys I brought de drinks.
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: OMG you look just like me!
Author: Golem
~Elsewhere, in Memphis...~
EVIL Tennis Jester: So... ~sniff~ So m'lord was allergic to the soda Mr. Pibb?
Doctor-in-a-Can: Yes. Minutes after consuming the Mr. Pibb, the EVIL Tennis King died.
EVIL Tennis Jester: WWAAAAHHH AAAHHH AAAHHH!!!!
Doctor-in-a-Can: Was... was that laughing? Or a poor attempt at crying?
EVIL Tennis Jester: ~gives the doctor a mean glance~ Crying. Now back you go. ~opens up a can the size of a soda can and the doctor gets pulled into it~ The day before Pi day, too... there's only one thing that can be done: wait and see what silly antics Cupi-DAN and Valen-TONY have cooked up for THIS holiday.
Author: AaronGuy
~Unfortunately for our new antagonist, but luckily for us, the two incredibly lame Valentines Day villians have not yet mastered the art of 'not being dead anymore', so they shall hopefully not be appearing in any posts until at least next Valentines Day.~
~Now back to our story!~
TennisMaster: Three-point-one-four- ~is run over by a passing dune buggy~
~THE REAL STORY.~
Dark: Okay, the armory is in here! ~presses a button, opened a door revealing a large letter E covered in what appears to be chainmail~ And the place where we keep our weapons is over there! ~points to a door they passed~
Argyle: WHY DIDN'T WE JUST GO IN THERE WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE
Dark: To give the viewers at home a cheap gag.
Pilot: We don't have to go out of our way to do that. It happens naturally. ~runs for the weapons room~
~The room is filled with various tennis balls, launching machines, and rackets. Dark picks up a black racket with spikes around the head, and gives it a practice swing~
Dark: Now all we need is some ammo.
Pilot: Hey, what's in here? ~holds up a mysterious box with an all too familar symbol on it~
Dark: Oh, that's experimental machine tennis ball number 3.14. It supposedly has great destructive power, but it's really unstable. It could explode due to the slightest tap.
Argyle: Th-
Portia: We have you now! ~standing in the doorway~
Dark: I don't think so! ~grabs a handful of tennis balls and smacks them all at once~ Take that!
Portia: Hmph. ~swings her lacrosse stick, catching each of the tennis balls in the net~
Pilot: Whoa...
Portia: Enough of your games! ~swings the stick again, flinging the balls at the other three, who dive out of the way~ Give us the bomb! We must destroy this vessel!
Dark: Grr.. ~glances at the box holding 3.14~ ...
~COPYING FREDwhile~
Desperdorado: What kind of trickery is this? Why do you look just like me?
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: On the contrary, I believe it is YOU who looks like me. You're obviously the impostor.
Desperdorado: You aren't fooling anyone! My name is to the left of my lines in the script!
Desperdorado: OR IS IT?!
Desperdorado: OH NO
Desperdorado: Fine, I'll admit it. I'm not really you. However, I plan to be very, VERY soon. I've already taken your name...
Desperdorado: Not quite. I still have my name as well.
Desperdorado: We'll see about that! GIMME!
Desperdorado: HEY! LET GO!
Desperdorado: NEVER!
~rrrrrrrrrrrrip!~
Desper: OH LOOK WHAT YOU DID! You broke my name!
Dorado: YOU broke it, not me!
Desper: Why you little... ~lunges at his counterpart~
~MOONwhile~
Pilot: ...How long has he been staring at that box?
Argyle: A few minutes.
Rufus: Look, we're busy crusaders, so if you can just give us the bomb, we'll all be happy. 'All' meaning the Crusaders present in this room. Not you. You'll be dead.
Dark: I've got a better idea! ~throws the box~ CATCH!
Rufus: ~blocks it with his hockey stick~ Nice try, kid. You've got a lot of spunk, you know that? It's almost a shame the lot of you are going to... eh?
Box: ~crashed to the ground~ ~started beeping when it hit~
Pilot: DUCK AND COVER!
Duck: Yes?
Cover: You rang?
Pilot: Go hide somewhere, you two! That thing is gonna blow!
Duck: No problem! C'mon Cover! ~fly away~
Argyle: ...right. HIDE!
~Pilot, Argyle, and Dark hide behind a large pile of tennis rackets as the beeping of the machine ball finally stops~
Rufus: Oh cru-
~HAPPY PI DAY!~
~Elsewhere~
Dorado: What was that? ~Looks up~
Desper: HA! ~uppercuts Dorado~
Dorado: URK ~topples over~
Desper: ~takes the other part of his name and fixes it with tape~
Desper[tape]dorado: Serves you right! Now, to find Pilot and Argyle! ~runs off~
Disguizeo und Crackerjackerhimenburgerjaws: Aough...
~backwhere~
~As the smoke clears, a gruesome sight is beheld by Pilot and Company. Where the three crusaders once stood, is now a large pile of pies. There is no movement~
Dark: What a deliciously morbid way to go... C'mon, let's find a way off this blimp.
~silently, the three edge past the large pile of pies. However, as the leave the room, they do not notice the armored hand bursting out of the pile in a cliche, movie style....~
Author: Tylar
Cupi-DAN: That was totally stolen from Batman
Valen-TONY: Yes but I'm sure that nobody will care. They're good like that.
Pilot: Where'd you guys come from? I thought you hadn't mastered returning from the dead.
Cupi-DAN: Cliffnotes are really helpful.
Valen-TONY: We've come to remind you to BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH.
Desper[tape]dorado: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears, but only if they come at a reasonable interest rate, and only if they have insurance.
Argyle: This post was completely forced...
Pilot: ~steps on something~
Something: Ow. This kind of joke is getting old. Also, there's an object under your foot, Pilot.
Pilot: What's this? I FOUND A MYSTERY DISK!
Argyle: That's Weekday, or some other identical window. There's a note on it.
Dearest mortal enemy,
I have found your girlfriend to be quite a burden on me when I'm carrying all of my EVIL laundry baskets. So, to make it easier, I stole her copy of Julius Caesar.
Hugs and Kisses,
EVIL Tennis King
Pilot: I LOVE YOU MOCHI!
Author: Golem
Cupi-DAN: MWAHAHA! While you bask in your winningness, now is the perfect time to reveal our LATEST SCHEME!
Pilot: What is it this time, lovebirds?!
~Soon, everyone is standing beside a road. In front of them is a sign that reads: "DESPERATION ROAD ADOPTED BY CUPI-DAN AND VALEN-TONY."~
Valen-TONY: Tremble in fear, as this is only the beginning of our takeover of THE WORLD!
Pilot: You guys adopted a road? How kind of you to give back to the society!
Cupi-DAN: No, it's not kind! It's mean! And hostile! And megalomaniacal!
Valen-TONY: We made sure to fill in the forms for adopting this road with extreme hostility!
Desperdorado: This road looks pretty clean, you guys have been doing a good job.
Cupi-DAN: Yeah, uh, THANK YOU BAAHAHAHAH!
Argyle: ...For Cupi-DUMB and Valen-TERRIBLE, the only choice here is combustion due to severe lack of anything worthwhile, or S.L.A.W.
Pilot: Eh?
Argyle: Come on, the two gofers had more promise than these two turkeys. They were probably saints.
Pilot: Well Cupi-DAN and Valen-TONY ARE saints for being so kind so as to adopt this road.
Desperdorado: Wasn't there some suspicious pie activity or something going on?