GCPA Sidequests Part 8

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

The Newport/Hoboken Chronicles Part 2

by No Name on December 28, 2005

*At Newport...*

*Stampede, Krazy Dude, Shiny Stallone, No Name, his brother Some Name, Karl (the angry black man who's trying to get outta the hood), Edwin, Salama, and Patten McGroin assemble in the food court at a random table.*

Shiny: *drinks Coca Cola from Popeyes* Man, this is good!

*Krazy walks up to the table with a drink from Panda Express. Both Shiny's drink and Krazy's drink are medium yet Krazy's drink is much larger than Shiny's.*

Shiny: Yo, what the hell? Why's your drink so much bigger than mine?

Krazy: Because the panda owns the chicken no matter what! *cheesy thumbs up*

*In the background you see the giant chicken from Family Guy get its ass kicked by a panda. The two of them near the edge and "finish him" is heard. The panda uppercuts the chicken who flies off the third floor of Newport and drops down onto the unnecessarily large, spiky object shop and dies.*

Stampede: Hey, weren't Cap'n and Que Pasa supposed to be here?

Krazy: They're busy with a mission so we're gonna have to go to our secondary homes after we're done here.

*Somewhere far away...*

Cap'n: Watch out, Que Pasa! *throws fireball at flesh-eating zombie penguins*

Mr. T: I pity the penguin who dare to eat T's flesh!

Que Pasa: Hey, did anyone see American Dad yesterday?

*Back at Newport...*

No Name: I'm sure they're fine!

Salama: Hey Krazy, you told me Liz was gonna be here too!

*Elsewhere Liz is at a party with the other people in her "group" while they "work on a project".*

Patten: She'll be here sooner or later.

*The crew wanders around the mall aimlessly while several of them complain about not doing anything. Stampede devours a Mcdonald's burger while Some Name steals Salama's seat while Salama's waiting at Mcdonald's even though he was further up on the line than Stampede who already has his food. Patten gets bored and calls Liz to see when she's going to Newport*

Patten *on phone*: Yo Liz, where are you?

Liz *bassline is heard in background and shouts of drunken nerds are heard*: Oh, um...I'm on the bus?

Patten: .....Okay, I'll see you in a bit then.

*Liz finally manages to meet up with the crew*

No Name: Finally now can we head to Hoboken before my ticket expires! I only have until 4:53. *looks at watch. the time is 4:53* NOOOO!!! *gets tackled by literail security*

Some Name: Wait, he's not even on the literail!

Karl: Now you know what it's like to not escape the hood!

Literail Security Officer: That black man hasn't escaped the hood! Get him! *tackles Karl*

Stampede: Wow, that's really fucked up!

*Later on, the crew heads to Hoboken.*

*While in Hoboken...*

*The crew wanders around the streets of Hoboken thinking that they're going to get some food*

Edwin: Yo, where's Karl?

Krazy: He's probably finishing the job that I started on your mo.m

Liz: Hey, who's that?

*A not so angry black man who has escaped from the hood runs up to the crew. He looks very much like Karl except he's wearing a hat that says "JR" and a cape with a cheeseburger on it. And for some reason this man was wearing a black sweatshirt that says "BROWN" in white letters.*

Edwin: Who are you?

Johnny Rocket: I am Johnny Rocket, the hero who battles injustice with delicious sandwiches and cheeseburgers. So you are all hungry I see. How about some Johnny Rocket's burgers?

No Name: Hey look it's a Subway!

Stampede: Let's eat fresh!

*Jared runs in.*

Jared: Your mom eats fresh!!

Krazy: Oh SHIT!!!

Johnny Rocket: ....Oh....*runs off*

*The sound of changing clothes is heard in between angry swearing and Karl runs up to the crew.*

Karl: Hey guys, what did I miss?

Salama: You missed Johnny Rocket!!!

Karl: Oh cool. Oh hey look, a Subway!

Salama: Oooh, let's go there!

Shiny: Salama, are you hungry again?

Salama: Hey, my dad told me not to eat the food court but he never said anything about eating the subway!

Shiny: You fat fuck.

*Several sandwiches, bags of chips, and sodas later, the crew heads to Barnes & Noble.*

*Salama reads a book of strange facts about sperm and other weird things. Karl and Krazy Dude wander over to the cultural books section. Karl finds a book about black penises and their sizes which is described by some dude who wrote a book about vaginas as disgusting yet intriguing. As he reads the book he looks over to see Dr. Nina talking to Edwin, Stampede, Shiny, and No Name a few feet away from him. Karl hastily puts the book away and walks off awkwardly as Krazy follows*

Karl: You didn't see anything. We were there looking at the book about American women and no one will ever know other than you, me, and whoever is reading this post right now.

Krazy *speaking loudly*: DON'T WORRY KARL, I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU WERE LOOKING AT A BOOK ABOUT BLACK PENISES!!!

Karl: ....God dammit Krazy Dude!

*The crew tires of Hoboken and decides to part ways at the literail station. They head over to the station.*

Shiny: Hey, look at this crappy thing on the lamp post. *kicks the cover at the bottom of the lamp post and it falls off with a loud bang* Oh shit!!! *everyone runs away*

*The crew reaches Hoboken Terminal.*

*Liz knees No Name in the ass*

No name: Ow, my ass! You just drove your knee into my ass. Not even on the butt cheek, but right in the center!

Liz: I love doing that!

*The crew finally gets their tickets and no one notices Karl get on the west side lite rail to go home. As the lite rail car leaves, it explodes violently with Karl in it.*

*The crew parts ways and go onto separate lite rail cars. Patten, Stampede, Liz, and Edwin go onto one and No Name, Some Name, Krazy Dude, Salama, and Shiny get onto another. The first lite rail car with Liz, Patten, Edwin, and Stampede on it takes off but tde-rails and slams into a wall tragically just after it went out of sight*

Some Name: So wassup, guys?

Shiny: Oh shit, I forgot to validate my lite rail ticket! *runs off the lite rail*

No Name: *sticks his head out the doorway* NO SHINY, DON'T BE A HERO!!!

*Shiny avoids nuclear missiles and land mines and finally reaches the ticket validater. He rushes back, avoiding more explosives, and steps onto the lite rail*

*The lite rail pulls into Newport and No Name, Some Name, and Krazy Dude get off. They head into Newport as the lite rail gets hit by a plane.*

*Krazy Dude, Some Name, and No Name walk through Newport. No Name and Some Name part ways with Krazy Dude as Krazy heads to EB Games while No Name and Some Name head for the Mcdonald's where they'll get picked up by their parents and head home. As Krazy walks to the EB Games, he is hit by a flaming lite rail car that plows through the wall and collides into him.*

*No Name and Some Name head home and they go to sleep. But they hear a strange noise and both wake up to see several lite rail cars in their room. The house explodes violently, thus ending the second part of the Newport/Hoboken Chronicles*

Pirates Vs. Ninjas II

by Scruffy, Que Pasa and That Krazy Dude on January 27, 2006

Valentine's Day Special: Mind of the Tap-Dancer, Heart of Granola

by Que Pasa

Part One: Vorpal Sketched a Picture of Me Last Night

Carl Winslow: Three two one, one two three. What in the world is bothering me?

*February 13th, late in the night. Mr. T strolls through the garden of the Golden Cheesecake, humming the A-Team theme as he waters the plants... with milk.*

Mr. T: Drink your milk and you'll become big and strong in a manner not unlike T's. (one of the plants brush against his gold chains as he bends over, so T whips out a shotgun and blasts it) Sorry but don't touch my gold.

*From the shadows emerges Mithos, the demented midget who can make anyone of any size, shape or gender fall in love with him instantly. He silently approaches Mr. T.*

Mr. T: (sniffs the air, catching Mithos's man-stink) Who there?

Mithos: I'm right behind you.

*Mr. T spins around, ready to toss Mithos helluva far and then rape his corpse, but he freezes as he beholds Mithos's form.*

Mr. T: (holds up the flower he shot) You can drive T's van.

*Mithos hops onto Mr. T's shoulders and laughs maniacally. A mind-blowing opening credits theme follows. The next morning the crew is preparing for Valentine's Day while Que Pasa and Edwin make their way to Intro to Sci in Sci Fi.*

Edwin: I heard a rumor that the real reason Siren was absent last week is because she was pregnant with a crew member's baby.

Que Pasa: What? W-Where'd you hear such a wild rumor? (hides child support bills) But anyway, remember the time Mr. Malk totally burned Marchese?

*Que Pasa and Edwin turn around to see Mr. Marchese standing sadly behind them.*

Mr. Marchese: He... he didn't say anything about my hair, did he? Guys, I need your help.

Edwin: Do you even know who we are?

Mr. Marchese: Not in the slightest. But I need your help with a girl - the girl from Real Genius.

Que Pasa: Hm, let's try that thing they did in 411. (takes Rafael's contaminated Snapple bottle and hands it to Marchese while "Pimp Juice" plays in the background with half the words censored out)

*Mr. Marchese drinks it and collapses foaming from the mouth. Que Pasa and Edwin pause for a moment, then they run off. But their second match-making mission succeeds as they unite Dr. L with a dolphin. Suddenly en explosion rocks the building.*

Que Pasa: What's going on?

*A familiar van rushes through the school as Que Pasa and Edwin turn and run.*

Edwin: Wait, that's Mr. T's van. (stops in front of the van) Hey Mr. T, let us in! (is smacked ten feet into the air by the car)

Que Pasa: What's going on? (leaps onto the van and climbs along the roof) What are you doing Mr. T? (looks in the windshield and finds not only Mr. T but Mithos) AHHHHHH.

*Mithos points up. Mr. T's fist crashes up through the windshield, grabs Que Pasa and tosses him to a light fixture, zapping him with electricity until he collapses lifelessly on the ground. Soon Que Pasa and Edwin rush back to the Golden Cheesecake.*

Edwin: Guys, Mr. T has gone evil! He's tearing up High Tech!

Scruffy: That's impossible.

Que Pasa: This whole affair is being managed by Mithos's shrunken hand.

Scruffy: That minuscule fiend! Suit up, pirates! We gotta save the T-man.

No Name: Can we hurry up? All of us except Lupine have dates tonight, you know.

Lupine: What about Que Pasa?

Que Pasa: I have a blind date with a chick named Malaria.

Lupine: I'll brew a Stew of Depression for dinner tonight.

*The pirates are all prepared to leave while Lupine stays alone in the kitchen. As No Name is about to leave, Nia pops up.*

No Name: Oh, Nia... what a surprise!

Nia: (feels along No Name's sweatshirt and finds a long blonde hair) Whose hair is this?

No Name: Errr... (Edwin watches on meekly)

*The rest of the pirates all drive the Golden Cheesecake into High Tech. There they see Mr. T pick up a vending machine and tossing it against the wall, smashing both the wall and the machine while Mithos munches on a Pop-Tart (tm).*

Scruffy: Mr. T, stop! Come to your senses!

Mr. T: Don't you fooling fools understand? With my milk-man T's happy. Don't touch my gold.

Karl: Can't you see he's controlling you? Come back to us, Mr. T!

Mithos: T-Bone, wipe out those jealous prats as a symbol of our everlasting love!

Mr. T: Anything for you Milk-Man!

*The pirates stand to oppose Mr. T as he changes into a tight spandex suit and charges forward. T slams right through them, sending them flying to the air like bowling pins bouncing on a trampoline.*

Mithos: HWAhahaha, delicious!

*Nearly everyone is unconscious after T's hurricane-like frenzy. Only Scruffy is standing.*

Scruffy: Mr. T, please stop! You have to remember me! This man is a vicious killer! Please, Mr. T!

Mr. T: (twists Scruffy's arms behind his back) Don't drive my van. (tosses him through the kitchen into a giant can of leftovers that would later be grinded into pizza toppings)

Mithos: This has been beautiful, T-Bone! Now let us leave.

*Mithos and Mr. T drive off in the van, leaving behind the collapsed pirates. Soon Stampede wakes up due to The Guz's amazing powers of recuperation and revives Mini-Myself.*

Stampede: We must rescue Scruffy before lunch begins.

Mini-Myself: I'm on it!

*Stampede and Mini-Myself put on gas masks and kick down the door to the kitchen, then they burst in and find the lunch ladies dumping the whole can into a giant blender, then they start to activate it.*

Mini-Myself: There's no time!

Stampede: Not a question with The Guz!

*Stampede releases bolts of magic that knock out the lunch ladies. One of them smashes into the blender, breaking it open while Scruffy flies out in a flood of disgusting food.*

Mini-Myself: What the hell did you need me for?

Stampede: I don't quite remember.

Mini-Myself: What's wrong with Scruffy?

Stampede: He appears to be choking on mashed potatoes. You may actually have a small use after all.

Mini-Myself: Hot damn!

*Mini-Myself shrinks down and slips into Scruffy's mouth, then slides down his throat until he stops on the pile of mashed potatoes. He quickly plants a charge there, blowing up the mashed potatoes, but he forgot to bring a grappling hook so he slips down the esophagus screaming.*

*Back with No Name...*

No Name: Alright, I admit it, that's Edwin's hair!

Nia: Edwin?

Edwin: I'm sorry. I didn't know how to break it to you.

Nia: That's it! No Name, you have to choose which of us you love more!

No Name: (looks horrified)

*Elsewhere, Mithos and Mr. T leave the school in the van.*

Mr. T: That was foolin' fun, Milk-Man!

Mithos: Yes indeed, my T-Bone! And now the pirates are left beaten and weakened while the navy is on the way! THEY'RE ALL DOOMED!! HYA HAHAHA!

Morgan Freeman: No Name given an ultimatum. Mini-Myself stuck in the captain's body. Mr. T under the control of a hyperactive midget. Lupine brooding alone. And the rest of the crew cornered by the navy at long last. How will the GCPA survive this ejaculation of cliffhangers? Find out!

Part Two: I Could Go For a Muffin About Now

*A man approaches Lupine in the kitchen.*

Lupine: Who the devil are you?

Man: You are Chef Lupine Shadow, correct? I'd like you to bake a cake for my friend's birthday party today and deliver it if you can. It's kinda last minute, but I'll pay any fee you ask.

Lupine: Sure, do you have any requests?

Man: Yeah, can you make the cake with her face on it? Here's a picture of her.

*The Man shows Lupine a picture. Lupine stares in shock. Aeolus freezes in shock and falls into the stew. Lupine recognizes the picture as the exact same picture he carried in his left pocket- the picture of the girl he's been trying to find for years.*

Man: I'll leave her address on this fancy Sticky-Note. Good luck!

*Lupine immediately gets to work on a cake.*

*Elsewhere all the pirates are slowly regaining consciousness while a group of navymen led by a female officer surround them.*

Officer: Surrender now pirate scum! We have you this time!

Que Pasa: Geh... I don't think so. Pirates, attack. (Where's the captain?)

*All the pirates rush towards the naval troops. That Krazy Dude slides down a rope from the ventilation shaft, then swings from it to kick over a group of navy troops.*

ADD: Take this, you salty seamen!

*Elsewhere, No Name uses a Jedi mind trick to knock Nia and Edwin out. Actually he hits them with a rock.*

No Name: Good, now I have time to think. ...I know the best place to go for advice!

*Elserwhere, inside Scruffy's body, Mini-Myself is navigating Scruffy's stomach with a flashlight, dodging the bits of ruined pizza, fries and Spanish food.*

Mini-Myself: Wow, this is even more disgusting then dissecting earthworms.

*A giant tapeworm emerges from the lagoon of fat and hisses. Mini-Myself runs and dodges the tapeworm's swipes. However, Scarlett Johanson rides in on a motorboat and spears the tapeworm on a harpoon.*

Mini-Myself: Scarlett Johanson? What the hell are you doing here?

Scarlett Johanson: I've been trapped in this wasteland for days. I've been imprisoned here by Bernie Mac.

Mini-Myself: Do you know any way out of here that doesn't involve being encased in feces?

Scarlett Johanson: We have to find Bernie Mac's lieutenant, Cedric the Entertainer, who's waiting for me to succumb so he can collect my spine.

Mini-Myself: The fiend!

*Back at the barnyard, the pirates are still fighting off the navymen. Que Pasa grapples with the female officer.*

Que Pasa: A female officer? Shouldn't you be in the kitchen, making me some chicken or yummy raviolis? Maybe some pot roast.

Female Officer: (stuffs a handful of mashed potatoes into his face and dropkicks him)

Que Pasa: That'll do.

*Scruffy and Stampede rush back in.*

Scruffy: (cuts a bunch of navymen in half) Scruffy McGruffy, taking a bite out of law enforcement!

Nemo: Que pasa que pasa! (anal raped)

Siren: I'll finish this- ack, my water broke!

*The female officer reaches into Que Pasa's chest, pulls his heart out and tosses it into the French fryer.*

Que Pasa: Good thing I bought some extra ones on eBay.

Mr. Matt Malkowicz: So you do have a heart.

Stampede: It is time for The Guz to end this.

*Stampede floats into the sky and summons a swarm of meteors that frighten the navymen into a retreat.*

Scruffy: Mr. T...

Que Pasa: Hm... I think I may know someone who can help us with our troubles...

*The GCPA walk into the backyard next door and find Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World.*

Que Pasa: FEE-NAY!

Mr. Feeny: Ah, Mr. Pasa. Mr. Scruffy. Mr. The Guz. Mr. Eagler. Ms. Siren. Mr. Name...

Que Pasa: (looks at all the other pirates) This may take a while.

*A few hours later...*

Mr. Feeny: And Mr. Trying to get out the hood. What brings you here?

Scruffy: Our friend Mr. T has gone evil. We need your help to stop him.

Mr. Feeny: (regurgitates a one-wheeled unicycle car)

Pink Ninja: How will that help us?

Mr. Feeny: That is all I have to say on the matter. I'm also dispensing romantic advice for twenty dollars apiece.

No Name: Mr. Feeny! I need your help to choose between the two people nearest to me!

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Next.

Que Pasa: I have a blind date tonight.

Mr. Feeny: You're screwed.

Que Pasa: Santa, can you get Lupine a girlfriend so he can stop cutting himself over my good carpet?

eLFa: He used to date me. Then we found out I was his sister.

Scruffy: Enough of this. We must find a way to defeat Mr. T.

*Everyone disperses.*

Mr. Feeny: (sighs) Maybe one of these days they'll ask me about my troubles... (sheds a tear)

*Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson find Cedric the Entertainer, but they are immediately chased by a flood of digestive acids.*

*The pirates are all back on the ship.*

Scruffy: You actually brought that unicycle car back?

*Finally, Lupine wheels a cake towards the girl's house... only to find flaming rubble. Ninjas leap out at him.*

Morgan Freeman: You know the drill. To be continued.

The Semi-Last Stand

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10