Lady Pandora Page 1

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Author: Yoshiyami

London, England
12288 A.D.

~Cornelius Butterbridge, a mustached man in his mid-40s, steps out onto his second floor balcony as he smokes his favorite corncob pipe.~

Butterbridge: ~exhales a puff of smoke~ Ah…‘tis another gloomy day in London…

~Butterbridge’s old hazel eyes follow the puff as it floats peacefully across the sea of early morning mist and above the endless London suburbia.~

Butterbridge: ~sighs deeply as he exhales another puff~ I love you…Claire McClintocks…

Author: Golem

~Claire McClintocks, a woman in her mid-40's, steps onto a second floor balcony with Butterbridge.~

Claire: Would you stop saying that?

Butterbridge: No...

Claire: Suit yourself. I'm going to the market.

~Soon, Claire arrives at a small building with glass doors. She walks towards the door, expecting it to open, but it does not. She stops and pulls it open, then walks in, only to be shoved against the wall at gunpoint.~

Man holding gun: Get in with the others.

Claire: What?!

~Claire looks to the nearby freezer section and sees that it is full of people...~

Author: Yoshiyami

~The gunman slides open the freezer and shoves Claire inside.~

Gunman: Sir Rutherford will see you shortly. Until then, stay put or everyone in here is gonna get it!

~The gunman slams the freezer shut but shatters the glass door in the process.~

Gunman: Whoops!

Meanwhile two-hundred stories above…

~The silhouette of a hunchbacked man paces back and forth atop a boardroom table.~

Black Silhoutte: Heh heh heh! Dinner’s almost ready, Ruthy-chan!

~A snake-shaped silhouette pops out from the man’s hump and hisses…~

Author: Kester

Ruthy-chan the snake-shaped silhouette: What is this dinner going to be?

Black Silhoutte: People.

Ruthy-chan: Again?

Black Silhoutte: They're in the freezer. Let's go.

• Ruthychan and the Black Silhoutte began climbing/slithering down the building, and then entered the freezer*

Claire: Have you come to help us?

Ruthy-chan: We come to kill you.

Random Person: Oh well, I suppose that's better than being shot.

Author: Golem

~This is because guns in 12288 AD don't just shoot bullets.

Back in 12198 AD, laws were passed that only those that enforced the law could own guns at all. Not only that, but these guns would be a new type of gun meant to prevent crime by scaring people of the consequences.

In a lab one day in 12198 AD, a scientist was showing his invention--the gun--to the chief of police...~

Dr. Lyra: The bullet is simply inserted in the perpetrator and the bullet immediately takes action.

~Dr. Lyra shoots his gun at a monkey in a cage. The monkey reels back in pain at first, but after a few seconds goes through an epileptic fit of another few seconds. Then it becomes still, though cringing a little.~

Dr. Lyra: That unusual movement was the sign of the bullet doing its job. The snake is instantly symbiotic with the perpetrator, constantly draining life's resources.

~So basically, either you got away with crime or you got to live with a snake as a really annoying symbiote. Or you didn't attempt crime at all.

So anyway, back in the main storyline...~

Author: Yoshiyami

~…but not yet.~

Meanwhile at the Buckingham Palace…

~The king, a bearded and morbidly obese man in his late-fifties, lies sprawled out on his red and velvety couch in front of the telly.~

Announcer: And now back to Edward and Duncan!

~On screen, two male teens sit at their table eating dinner. One teen takes a sip from his soup.~

Teen: ~makes a face before throwing up all over the floor~ Ugh! This soup tastes like shit, Duncan! Did you mistake my bowl for the potty or something?!

~Laugh track.~

Duncan: And did you mistake the FLOOR for the potty, Edward?! Clean it up, bastard!

~Edward pulls out a wooden plank from nowhere and slams it into Duncan’s head.~

Edward: Sorry! I mistook this wooden plank for the mop!

~Laugh track accompanied with applause track.~

King: Ohohoho! After four-hundred episodes, I still don't understand how they can live in the same apartment together!

Announcer: We interrupt Edward and Duncan with breaking news from the Big Bethany Tower!

Author: Retro Belmont

Announcer: It would seem that someone is about to jump off the tower!

Lord Almond: I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!

Announcer: Seems to be and emo or something....

Random woman: No Almond! I still love you, you know.

Lord Almond: Dammit woman, can't you see I have everything under...

-slips on a banana peel

Lord Almond: CCRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaapppppp............*death from splat*

Woman: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I have to go back to Internet dating!

Announcer: Well there you have it folks, that is quality television, oh wait, I am getting word that a car jacking is in progress elsewhere. DETAILS WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT! This is Jack Rippington, reporting.

Author: Yoshiyami

Meanwhile two-hundred fifty-five stories below…

Black Silhouette: What was that?

~The black silhouette turns toward the direction of the “splat”.~

Rutherford: Master! Behind you!

~The black silhouette spins around and faces an airborne, bastard sword-brandishing Claire flying towards him. The black silhouette jumps back but not before the sword’s tip catches onto the tip of his cloak (a.k.a. the “black silhouette”) and flings it into the air.~

Claire: So you’re alive…Forketongue the Fear…

Author: Golem

Forketongue: You can't kill Fear in today's society.

Claire: Just like you can't kill the Hope embedded in my Pandora Sword.

~Claire steps forward and quickly slashes her sword, but Forketongue jumps back towards the freezer. She steps forward and strikes again, barely missing the freezer door.~

Forketongue: You're not afraid of sending these innocent people to the Pandora Dimension with your sword?

Claire: I've got more focus than that. I won't forget that you belong there right along with Hate, Deceit, and all of the others.

Author: Yoshiyami

Claire: Forketongue…the whole world thought you had met your end seven years ago…

Forketongue: Heh heh! The venom of the cobra has coursed through my veins since the day I was born. Your symbiotic snake bullets have only made me stronger!

~Forketongue’s shirt bursts open revealing a plethora of hissing snakes scattered across his pale white chest.~

Claire: I see. I suppose your nickname of “Snake Bandit” has gone from metaphorical to literal…

Forketongue: Hah! You’ve got a sharp tongue, girl! Do you want to see mine?

Claire: No.

Forketongue: Okay.

~Forketongue opens his mouth and shoots out his twenty foot, twin-pronged tongue at Claire.~

Claire: I thought I said “no”.

~Claire holds up her sword and catches the tongue between ots two prongs.~

Forketongue: Wait a second…this isn’t Pandora’s Sword! It’s just the scabbard!

Claire: You just figured that out? Oh wait, I forgot snakes could only sense with their tongues…

~Forketongue glares at Claire before withdrawing his tongue.~

Forketongue: Where is the real sword?!

Claire: I don’t know. It disappeared thousands of years ago…

Author: Fred

Forketongue: Then this will be easier than I thought. We are far more than what we were seven years ago. Without the entire blade, you cannot even have Hope.

Claire: Just like you've always had snakes, I've always had Hope. Hope isn't what defeats your Fear, however. Fear is dispelled by Purpose. Purpose, well, I've got plenty of that.

Random Person: Uh, can we leave yet?

Forketongue: What do you think?

Claire: Pandora sword or not, you've already sealed your fate by walking through these doors.

Forketongue: Do you think yourself a good enough opponent to beat Fear with a scabbard? Your serum bullets weren't enough, so how are you going to win this one?

~ the snakes snarl in a very threatening way as the spread out and make the guy generally look huge as he smashes his tongue threateningly against the ground, cracking it~

Claire: Uh, no. It's because you're cold blooded, and you're standing in front of a freezer. You'd better beat me quick, or you're going to get rather drowsy. Not sure if you can scare people while asleep.

Ruthy-chan: If you can't send us to the pandora dimension, what good is it?

Claire: I suppose Fear can't be destroyed entirely, but chopping your head off is probably good enough.

~The tongue lashes at an astonishing speed, forcing Claire to jump it. She is then caught off-guard by Forktongue's charge at her, in which he lashes the snakes at her. Claire sticks the scabbard in their mouths, but is pressed against a shelf by Forktongue's hands. The forked tongue presses against her neck, prepared to slit it, and Forktongue presses up really close)

Forktongue: Is this the best you have to offer? Even when we were "normal" criminals, you were much better than THIS.

Gunman from before: What the hell did I tell you? I told you to stay in the freezer!

~He fires a real round from a high caliber pistol, blowing off the end of the tongue. Forktongue howls in pain, throwing Claire into the wall. The gunman, backs slowly, realising himself to be in over his head. He dives to dodge the tongue's mad lashing, grazing over his balliclava-covered head, and fires another round from his tiny cannon into the creature. Forktongue stumbles back, shocked and dazed, where Claire smashes his head sideways into the freezer. Forktongue growls and attempts to climb to his feet, but dazed and tired, loses the energy necessary to do so. Claire walks into the room, and slices the heads off using the scabbard.~

Gunman: Lord Rutherford has arrived. I want no more of your transforming snake tongue schnannigans or it'll be the end of you. Move out of the freezer, slowly.

Author: Golem

Claire: ...Lord Rutherford is dead.

Gunman: Then die.

~The gunman shoots Claire. She tries to dodge, but fails--it's a bullet, after all. It hits her in the thigh.~

Claire: @#$%! That was a snake bullet that time, wasn't it?! I'll be dead within 30 minutes, that Butterbridge...

~Her comment can be explained. Let's flash back to this morning, at breakfast.~

Claire: I still wake up every morning and ask myself why I still live with Lust.

Butterbridge: Lust is hardly a terrible element of the world. No, just the opposite...

Claire: The contacts you keep with the other bad elements suggest otherwise.

Butterbridge: I cannot harm you, I Love you too much. But alas, those other gentlemen who are not so kind are such great company, and I cannot deny them anything. 'Tis a thing that is perplexing even to me.

Claire: If what you had was more than Lust, you'd forget them in a heartbeat. Then again, if what you had was more than Lust, you wouldn't have theatened to kill me if I didn't live with you... which answers the question I ask myself every morning.

Author: Yoshiyami

Meanwhile at Butterbridge’s mansion...

~Butterbridge and an oddly-dressed man sit at a table on Butterbridge’s balcony drinking tea. The morning mist has dissipated revealing the circumferences of suburban homes surrounding the mansion, the jagged row of downtown London skyscrapers in the distance, and the Big Brittany clock tower standing above it all.~

Man: Much thanks for disclosing Miss Hope’s location, Lust.

~The man’s strange apparel consists of a ski jacket and a pair of parachute pants. A pair of Elton John-style sunglasses cover his face beneath a patch of spiky, rainbow-streaked hair.~

Butterbridge: What do you plan to do with her, Chaos?

~Chaos takes a sip from his teacup. Suddenly a bolt of lightning shoots out from his left nostril and strikes a random house in the distance. The house bursts into flames and is reduced to ashes a second later.~

Butterbridge: ~chuckles~ I’m surprised that none of your random lightning strikes have killed any of our fellow members.

Chaos: Oh, don’t worry. Even the capricious behavior I epitomize has…parameters… ~takes another sip~ Anyways, you wanted to know what we’re going to do to your girlfriend?

Butterbridge: You’re not going to kill her, are you?

Chaos: As long as she has what we want…and gives us what we want…

Author: Fred

Chaos: You see, Butterbridge, it`s much better if no one is able to lock up my wonderful Chaos, or your Lust. Fear, Hatred, Greed, Lies, whatever the sin it must walk among men! (A bird turns into a refridgerator behind him and crashes behind the balcony). The Pandora sword and scabbard is quite the cage, but these forms I think bring out the best of our wishes...

Butterbridge: Then you can understand why I want her alive.

Chaos: I make no sure promises - I am Chaos after all.

(Elsewhere, a while back from Chaos`meeting with Butterbridge, in a warehouse. The people in the freezer were let out after giving the money out of their wallets and promising not to describe the gunman on threats to their individual lives)

Gunman: I just called Butterbridge. I`m gonna fetch quite a price for with you.

Claire: You know, I am going to die in ten minutes. You`ll never get that money. Perhaps I`m better off dead, then - (speaking to self) they`ll never be able to get the Pandora sword and destroy it, but I`m not sure if anyone else could find it...

Gunman: What -ARE- you prattling on about? Snake bullets don`t kill. That`s why a real gunman like me doesn`t use them too much.

Claire: Butterbridge did something to me, you fool...

(The gunman slaps her and brings his covered face real close)

Gunman: Yeah, maybe I ought to have killed you. You bungled my job, and Rutherford won`t be paying. What kind of civilian carries around a scabbard and hits people with it, anyways?

Claire: My story is a strange one, but I have no time to tell you. What I need is an antidote to the snake poison.

Gunman: Hah! What makes you think I have some of that stuff?

Claire: Even a Proffessional won`t take the risk of snake bullets kicking in. Butterbridge wanted me to stay with him, so made being shot immediately dangerous. Five minutes.

Gunman: heh... (sweating) You`re bluffing. None of this makes sense anyways. First my boss has a deadly tongue, next snake bullets kill you... I bet a huge monster of a guy with four arms` gonna come through the wall or something next, huh? (calming and laughing) Wacko.

Claire: Very probably, yes. Three... minutes...

Gunman: Shit. You are looking pale.

(Claire collapses)

Gunman: Shit, shit! Fine, I`ll get you-

(The wall gives way to a huge, bullish-man with four huge arms, all carrying menacing-looking spiked chains. The creature is obviously on the verge of rage for no reason at all, and sports horns out the top)

Bullish-man: Bad news, gunman. Your deal`s being cut short. Time to die!

(The bullish-man realises he is no longer looking at the gunman, as his head is not on his shoulders. )

Bullish-man`s head: I`LL SMASH YOU TO NOTHINGNESS!

Gunman: Next time if you want to surprise the person, bother to bring the suitcase. Now fo-

(Claire has untied herself, and is gone, along with his antidote in his suitcase)

Gunman: What the - (the gunman is smashed by a huge fist, belonging to the decapitated bull-man and knocked unconcious)

Bull-man: RAGE, RAGE, MY ANGER WILL CRUSH YOU ALL!

Author: Yoshiyami

~Wincing from the increasingly sharp in her thigh, Claire stumbles into the nearest alley and ducks behind a dumpster.~

Claire: Let’s see what’s inside here…

~Claire snaps off the suitcase’s steel bindings with her scabbard and flips the lid open. Suddenly, a red boxing glove springs out and punches Claire into the dumpster.~

Man’s Voice: SURPRISE!

~The boxing glove retracts into the mouth of a brightly-dressed jester. Or at least half a brightly-dressed jester as the other half of his body is comprised of a jack-in-a-box spring attached to suitcase’s bottom.~

Jester: ~holds up a mongoose-shaped vial~ If you want the snake antidote…here you can have it.

~The jester extends towards Claire and prepares to hand her the vial. However, the jester withdraws his hand at the last second and punches Claire with the boxing glove again.~

Jester: SURPRISE!

~Or at least the spot where Claire was lying a second ago.~

Jester: What the?! ~gasps~ What is this strange new feeling I have?! The feeling of…an unexpected revelation!

Claire’s Voice: Surprise.

~Claire walks up from behind the jester, picks up his suitcase, and tosses it into the dumpster.~

Author: Golem

~Claire quickly rushes to the dumpster and manages to stab the man's right arm, the hand of which holds the antidote, before he hides in his box. His hand relinquishes the antidote.~

Jester: OWWW!

Claire: Hmm... surprise...?

~Claire is speechless. Suddenly, a door nearby breaks down, and out steps the bull-ish man with his head in one of his hands.~

Rage: THERE YOU ARE, WOMAN!! YOU ARE COMING WITH ME!!

~On Butterbridge's balcony...

A thin, lanky man in a bowl haircut crawls out from under the table.~

Butterbridge: Deceit?!

Deceit: She doesn't need to be alive, we just need her hand to access that weird box.

Butterbridge: You--you are misinformed, my friend.

Deceit: Or I might just be lying!

~Deceit breaks out in laughter.~

Pages in Lady Pandora

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