Nichibutsu of America Page 4
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Author: Mr Sgt Flutter
Luigi: Don't worry I'll get you out of there. *lunges at the door*
Masa: Silly me I twisted the knob in the wrong direction. *opens the door*
Luigi: *flies through the door*
Elzie: The door is open. *steps on a switch and the floor opens*
Saph: Uh-oh.
*they fall down into Ditto's office*
"Sweet vengince is mINE!" by Psycho
Techno presses a buten on his whht and smiles sadisticly then looks up.
"yo ditto? Do you have a TV in here? Becuase you're going to want to turn it on within the next twenty seconds." ditto turns on the Tv and techno starts to cuond down.
"5...4...3...2...1...0..." He convored his ears then an ear shattering blast was herd it acame from all directions then the ancorwomen came on a sad look on her face.
"Ladies and gentilmen some terrorest has bombed all of the limpic staumens and villegdes thruoght the world this crime was well thought out all of the evidence was destroyed in the bast and all the bombs went off at the exact same moment int time. Internatinel police are baffeled as to who could have done this and why. One officer thinks it is this yung man(picture of Techno pops up) His name is Areo Yang Techno he has over 12 PHD's in verus sugjects and has a motive he's alwys trying to enter the amricen olimpeck team but they won't let him on even as a water boy. but there is no evidence to link him to the crime." She said
"HA! That should teach them! Oh and I wouldn't go blabbing if i were you I could hunt you down plus it would destroy this compny and the rest of the video gaming industry for hiring an internashinel terrois,' Techno sai with a smug grin.
Author: Reno the Turk
Ditto: TECHNO! YOU'RE FIRED!
Yoshiman: I wouldn't say that if I was you. He just blew up the Olympic stadiums. He can do it to us.
Ditto: Um... What I meant was... Techno... YOU'RE HIRED!
Techno: I already knew that.
Ditto: I just reminding you. How about coming over to my office now, considering as that boulder passage just leads to the vent shaft where Vorpal is currently sneaking in via.
Vorpal: (voice from vent shaft above Ditto's office) No I'm not.
Ditto: I could've sworn you were.
Vorpal: Just goes to show you're not always right.
Ditto: I guess so. Now, all of you! I was watching your actions through my maz-
*Vorpal crashes out of the vent shaft with Goom and Ba, falling on Ditto, pushing Ditto through the floor and into a pool of some magical fluid, splashing it everywhere.*
Ditto: You!
Vorpal: You!
Ditto: It's you! Dolph Lundgren! Can I have your autograph?
Vorpal: Uh, it's Vorpal, Ditto.
Ditto: ...
Vorpal: ...
Ditto: ...Ah, I see! That's a funny one, Mr. Lundgren. Anyway, could you sign-
Vorpal: No, it really is me. Look at my two sidekicks here.
Goom: (Some sorta smiley, probably, Ianno >.>)
Ba: (Same)
Ditto: They look kind of weird.
Vorpal: You won't be saying that when they bite off your leg!
Ditto: Vorpal, you fool! What project did you plan to steal this time??
Vorpal: I'm not exactly sure. What have you got?
Ditto: Well, there's the everlasting Game, the game that makes you fly, the-
*The room above, in Ditto's office*
Luigi: So... where'd the Ditster go?
*Below*
Ditto: ...the solar powered Gameboy Advance cart, the game that can be transformed into a racing car at any time, and finally, the pocket GameCube.
Vorpal: You're stupider than I look! You just told me everything you're making! Now I can tell it to the world and spoil your plans!
Ditto: ...I did?
Vorpal: I suggest you hand over the plans for the Death Cart, now!
Ditto: Never!
Vorpal: *folds arms* Fine. I'll let you keep it. I'll just let you know, you'll never achieve anything with the Death Cart. I, myself, am creating the Death Disc. See you when I take over the universe!
Ditto: That's... that's not true! That's not possible!
Lupus: Can we cut it with the shameless rip offs, people?
Vorpal: Exactly what I was thinking! *warps off*
Ditto: Well, he's gone, at least...
*Vorpal reappears*
Vorpal: Forgot to grab something, sorry. *grabs a random project, then warps away again*
Ditto: Well, he's gone, at least...
Sapphire: You've already said that.
Ditto: Well, it merited another mention. Now, help me out of here.
Luigi: ...
Lupus: ...
Sapphire: ...
Elzie: ...
Yoshiman: ...
Flutter: ...
Masa: ...
Mune: ...
Nintenfreak: ...
Ditto: Well?
Nintenfreak: I think you deserve to tackle your own maze this time. See you up here!
Ditto: WHHHAAATTT??? But... but... I don't know how to!
Nintenfreak: 'Zactly.
"Positions subject to change" by Luigi of the Pipes
~Later~
*Ditto sits at his desk, straightening a pile of papers. Everyone else sits around, impatiently watching.*
Ditto: No no, that's a hair off. Gotta start all over again. Whoops, it's tilted. Well, might as well retry...
All: ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!
Ditto: *looks up, large grin* [scary butler answering door]Yesssss?[/scary butler answering door]
Sapphire: Well Ditto. If it's not too much trouble, we'd like to know our positions and...
Ditto: I'm aware.
Lupus: So why haven't you...?
Ditto: Because these papers are an absolute mess, eesh.
All: -_-0
Ditto: Well, fine. I'll worry about it later. Now then, let me just check my good ol' computer here.
*Ditto turns on computer. Smiley face pops up as it boots. All stare at it.*
~Minutes Later~
*Smiley face executes a wink.*
Techno: Boot, you transistorized tormentor! BOOT!!!
*All stare at Techno, who points at a button on his watch and motions for them to look the other way.*
~Minutes Later~
Ditto: Ah, there we go.
*Pop-ups immediately cover the monitor.*
Ditto: Oh dear. Excuse me while I clear this mess up...
~Hours Later~
Ditto: There we go. Wake up and see your new positions!
*All rub their eyes and pick themselves up off the floor.*
Ditto: Alright. Masa and Mune, you are assigned to work on the company website.
Mune: This is ridiculous! We didn't come here to get a pathetic desk job! We came here to get your job!
Masa: I'm telling Grandpa! Just you wait, Ditto J. McCloaker, you'll be fired by the end of the day! HA HA HA!
*A giant vacuum hose appears from the ceiling and sucks them up. Ditto hits a button on his desk labeled 'Website'.*
Ditto: Next!
Sapphire: Since when has your middle initial been J?
Ditto: Saph, you're assigned to testing control and bug editting. Lupus goes to development and advertising. Yoshiman gets art and sprite design. Flutter has battle systems. Nintenfreak can work on plot and story development. Techno can be in the 'Special Thanks' section. Elzie will run the cafeteria...
Elzie: Bu--
*Vacuum sucks them up and takes them to their respective offices. Ditto goes back to typing on his computer. Luigi sits down to wait.*
~Hours Later~
*Luigi intentionally knocks over the water cooler. Ditto finally looks up.*
Ditto: Hmm? Still here?
Luigi: I take it you gave me a really good job, right? C'mon, what is it? Vice President? Vorpalsoft infiltration expert? Chief of editting and keeping everything together? Sole writer for Nichibutsu Power?
Ditto: Even better. *hands him a mop* You get to work from the broom closet, Mr. Janitor. Enjoy!
Luigi: . . .
"Ninjas should die" by Blaine a samurai
Techno landed at the dest of his office there were three things on his des pen paper and those strees reducing ball barings on strings. the office was medn sized with a window behind the desk witha third floor view of ditto's creations asid from the desk area and a path from clost to exit to ther wasn't any free room it was all covred with boxes full of only god knew what opning the closte reveild more boxes and a water cooler and a kiten et.
*** Three hours later.
"Ack I've got nothing to do! In'g ion nuts1 Bah! I know what i'll do! I'll play my PHES! heh I was ging to show this to ditto but oh well." Techno mumbled to himself anyoed. he then took out a box about the size of tow GBA' tall and wide. with a conroller simaler to the SNES conroller. Affter pushing a butten a title called Bck Ally Broll appeared in full 3d holigrapic procjection with move theret sounds then a chariter seclect screen Techno chose a fighter called Stallny who turned out to be a biker with a battle ax for a weapon his openet was called the beast and a women who looked like sahre with blood red eyes and a Tish Admes dress appeared daggers at her side affte a redy set go was spoke tecno began to play.
"Haha! take that! ooh yeah and that! haha!" he cried in joy "End it now."(game voice) okay then Stanly dropped his battl ax and hopped on his bike affter cirling her he luanched a missel at her blower her up then ran over the remains severl times. "Devistated!"(game voice.) Techno contines to play his PHES(Portible hoigraphic entertaiment System.)
"Wow!" by Yoshiman
(Hey, everyone. Been gone a while, haven't I?)
Yoshiman: Wow! I can't believe it! I got the art position!
*Boots up computer*
Computer: HELLO. I AM ART SENTINEL VIII. DO YOUR THING OR BE ASSIMILATED.
Yoshiman: Assimilated? What's that?
*Lazer gun drops from the ceiling and aims at Yoshiman's head*
Yoshiman: AAACK!
Computer: YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO GET OUT THAT PAPER AND DO SOME MAD ART SKILLZ.
*Yoshiman quickly pulls the paper out of the printer*
Computer: HEY! PUT THAT BACK!
Yoshiman: Well where else and I supposed to get paper?!
*Pans out to big room completely devoid of everything except the computer desk in the middle*
Computer: MAKE PAPER.
Yoshiman: I don't see how. . .
Computer: FOUR. . .
Yoshiman: Alright, alright! *Puts printer paper back*
Computer: THREE. . .
Yoshiman: *looks around for something to make paper with* Umm. . . there's nothing in here. . .
Computer: TWO. . .
Yoshiman: AAACK! *Presses the page button*
Voice: Hello, you have reached Ditto's office. Ditto is not in right now, or he's ignoring complaints from the art department. Plase leave a message at the tone. *Sound that does not sound tone-like*
Computer: ONE. . .
Yoshiman: AAAAAAAHHHH!
Computer: ASSIMILATE!
*Yoshiman folds his arms in front of his face. The laser shoots out a little flag that says 'Zap'*
Computer: HAHAHA. I LOVE THAT ONE.
Yoshiman: Huh? *Looks up* Hey!!
Computer: PREPARE TO BE LAVISHLY EQUIPPED.
*Desks and drawers of all types pop up, as well as a bookshelf crammed full of video game art books*
Yoshiman: Wow! This is the best Christmas ever!
Computer: NEGATIVE. CHRISTMAS DOES NOT OCCUR IN APRIL.
"It stands for: Everything Electronical Entertainment Expo" by Ditto McCloaker
*at Vorpalsoft*
Vorpal: Hee hee hee. How's that backwards-engineering work going?
Goom: *sweating* Not good, sir. The technology behind much of it is down-right... inexplicable.
Ba: Never seen anything like it, sir. Like this Ethernet Green Goo in a bucket. We gots no clue.
Vorpal: Curses! Hm... I must make ready for the big E4 competition.
Goom: But, sir. E4 isn't a competition.
Vorpal: Haha. Yeah... right. Ready my dark evil mobile!
*back at Nichibutsu HQ*
Ditto: Well, we need to get everything ready for E4, Batsu. Hey, wait a second. Where's Batsu?
Guisseppie: Who?
Ditto: Didn't I used to have an assistant named Batsu?
Guisseppie: I don't think so. Must be that wacky memory of yours.
Ditto: Must have been. Okay. Anyway, tell everyone I want a little of everything we got ready for E4.
Guisseppie: Okay.
Ditto: I've got to make arrangements... Bring 'round the car.
*later, Ditto walks in to the gigantic empty building where the E4 will take place, and approaches the executives*
Ditto: Hello, I'm here to book some floorspace for Nichibutsu of America.
Executive: We have 10,000 square feet available. How many square feet would you like?
Ditto: How much per square foot?
Exec: A hundred bucks.
*a high, sneering voice from behind*
Voice: Ha! I'll give you double!
*sound of sharp boots approaching echoes through building. We see bottom of a dark cape. Cue dark music*
Ditto: *turning around* ...Vorpal.
Vorpal: *leering* Precious floorspace... quite the wanted commodity, is it not?
Ditto: I'll buy... 100 square feet.
Vorpal: HA! TWO HUNDRED!
Ditto: 210 square feet.
Vorpal: THREEE HUNDRED!
Ditto: FIVE HUNDRED!
Vorpal: A THOUSAND!
Ditto: *gritting* FIFTEEN HUNDRED!
Vorpal: *puts his face forward* HALF THE BUILDING!
Ditto: *puts his face in Vorpal's face* THE OTHER HALF!
*Executives from Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft walk in, hear the exchange, and walk out*
Ditto: Just remember, Vorpal... it's not the floor... but what you put on it that counts.
Vorpal: *taking long, smug strides to door* Oh... I intend to put YOU on the floor! Mwa ha ha ha ha...
*slams door and we hear the Evilvorpalmobile drive away*
~Back at Nichibutsu~
Ditto: MEETING!
*vacuum tubes pop out of walls and spit out each of the employees into desks*
Ditto: Okay, E4 is our first big chance to show the American market what we got... and we got a lot of floorspace to fill. I'm going to want something from EACH ONE OF YOU to show off.
Everyone: *gaspses*
Elzie: Even from food department?
Ditto: Yup. Even food.
*everyone begins to talk among themselves*
Ditto: But FIRST... there's one thing above ALL we need!
*dramatic build-up*
Ditto: OUR CONSOLE! I want it's capabilities, it's design, and most of all... an American NAME for our product.
~Doo. Doo. DUM~
Author: Yoshiman
Yoshiman: Well, obviously, it should be very easy to say, or have a nice ring to it.
Ditto: But what?
Yoshiman: I put my vote for. . . Pan-America!
*Meanwhile, at Yoshiman's residence*
Fuzzball: Did you just feel that?
Tirk: Feel what?
Fuzzball: Like a million bodies turning over in their graves.
Tirk: Nope.
Fuzzball: Ah. . . Nevermind, then.
*Back*
Ditto: Umm. . .
Yoshiman: And then, we can be crative with the next console, but still keep a system! Like. . . Pan-America: The Sequel!
Ditto: Umm. . .
Yoshiman: Or, Pan-America Mark II!
Ditto: Umm. . .
Yoshiman: Or, Pan-America Strikes Back!
*Ditto presses a button and Yoshiman is sucked back up his tube*
"Press Release" by Dittogeru Miyacloaker
Source: Video Gaming Worldwide
Nichibutsu of America today announced details of it's brand-new gaming platform, codenamed: The Nichibutsu Interactive Console for Home Entertainment (or "N.I.C.H.E." for short.
Though no pictures have been released at this stage, Nichibutsu boasts that the NICHE, which should release in Q3 of 2004, just in time for the Christmas season, will boast the following features:
-4 wireless control decks(!!!!)
-Ability to play DVDs and MP3s, but no DVD burning capabilities, "because then you'd pirate all our games!" says Nichibutsu's President Ditto McCloaker
-Connectivity with the washer, drier, dishwasher, and stove
-An astounding 256-bit graphic engine, unprecedented sound, and a powerful inner processor
-CD-slot for memory. The Memory mini-CD will be sold with the game and will boast, according to one developer, "the memory capacity of 2,000 Memory Cards." or approximately 200,000 Ditto McCloakers.
-A sleek, flat digital built-in screen, which developers say will do away with extended translations of games for foreign markets such as Europe. The screen will fold down onto the console for safe and easy transportation, and
-both Online and LAN capabilities
To players of all stripes who will undoubtedly be astonished at Nichibutsu's unveiling of such a bold online gaming package, executives at Nichi explain that they have been waiting until such time as they could provide
"a fair and competitive ("Ha ha! Yeah, right! They don't stand a chance!" says one executive) online gaming package, and the NICHE will indeed offer networking services for it's first-party games and some second-party titles completely free of charge.
Included with the system will be a small, indiscreet dog collar equipped with a tiny microphone which will enable gamers to communicate during online play. Said microphone is developed by Panahedgehog.
Nichibutsu also proudly announces that the NICHE will be "even easier and more convenient for developers to actually make stuff on this than on an actual piece of paper."
Though no other details regarding the controller have been released, the NICHE's new wireless controllers themselves will double as the new top-secret handheld, Palmbutsu.
"Yeah," said one top-rated executive who was not the President, honest, "We're gonna kick butt and take names. I'm actually ordering a shovel to help move all the money we're going to make on this."
When asked about the console's launch lineup, he not-Preisdent looked around nervously and said, "Uh, yeah, we got one. You'll... ah... just have to wait til E4 to see it all. But yeah, it's kick butt."
Nichibutsu of America is a subsidiary of Nichibutsu Co. Ltd. of Japan, the world's leader in the development of innovative interactive software.
Ditto: *putting down paper* Excellent. That's my console... but... ah... we still gotta get some games for it!
*slams button on desk and everyone is sucked into the office again*
Ditto: Quick, guys! We got to make some games for this thing, QUICK! I want some immediate ideas from each of you, NOW!
*holds up microphone connected to a weird device*
GO!
"Penniless Artist" by Vorp
Vorpal: What is this? *being handed Nichibutsu's recent press release*
Goom: Ditto's gotten ahead of us again. He now has a system name and rather meaningless stats to go with them.
Vorpal: This will not be tolerated! We must make a press release of our own!
Goom: How are we gonna do that?
Vorpal: *scribbles on Nichi PR* Ah! There we are. Send this to the press!
Official Vorpalsoft PR
Vorpalsoft Inc. today announced details of it's brand-new gaming platform, codenamed: The Extreme Vorpalsoft Interactive Laserdisc System (or The EVILS for short.)
Unlike Vorpalsoft's competitor, Nichibutsu, pictures of The EVILS have been released and are available at Vorpalsoft's website, which Nichibutsu does not have either. According to Vorpalsoft company extimates The EVILS, which should release in Q2 of 2004, just in time for the Summer break season when kids will not be distracted from homework and such.
"We're a family company," says President Vorpal, "We know that many parents don't want their children being distracted by video games during the fall and winter seasons when school starts. So we, unlike Nichibutsu, have decided to accomidate parents requests, while all Nichi looks for is profit, profit, PROFIT! We believe we can please parents as well eek out a slight income to keep our company afloat."
Vorpalsoft also released several details for The EVILS including:
-4 wireless controllers (decks are so cumbersome)
-Ability to play the little used Laserdisc format(Remember Dragon Lair from your youth? Expect more of that gaming goodness) Deciding to take a unique approach to gaming consoles rather than the rather uncreative Nichibutsu team
-Connectivity appliances that matter, like the fridge, microwave, and toilet (you'll never have to leave your living room again)
-An astounding 257-bit graphic engine, ultra-cool sound, and a better processor than the N.I.C.H.E.
-CD-slot for memory. The Memory mini-CD will be sold with the game and will boast, according to one developer, "the memory capacity of 2,000 Memory Cards." or approximately 1/2 Vorpals.
-A sleek design that is not blocked by unnessecary and rarely used add-ons
-both Online and LAN capabilities
To players of all walks of life (not just striped people) who will undoubtedly be astonished at Vorpalsofts's unveiling of such a bold gaming package.
"By the use of Laserdiscs," said one Vorpalsoft employee, "we can deliver games much cheaper than the competition, and gamers can feel as if they have a bigger game by getting a 30 disc game that would compare to a puny 1 disc game on the N.I.C.H.E."
Vorpalsoft also proudly announces that The EVILS will be "even easier and more convenient for developers to actually make stuff on this than on the N.I.C.H.E."
Vorpalsoft has released several details on it's controller for The EVILS, which is also included on the company website (visit today!)
"Those freakin' Nichi guys don't know what they're up against," said Vorpalsoft janitor, "I've seen trash come out of Vorpalsoft that looks better than the best stuff Nichibutsu is pushin' out."
The EVILS line-up will be revealed at the upcoming E4, but President Vorpal did promise that it would include games much better than anything anybody else could ever produce... ever.
Vorpalsoft Inc. is an American company, that promises not to sneak attack Hawaii. Other companies that have ties to Japan, like another unnamed software company who has not made such a promise, may betray you one day.
Author: Yoshiman
Yoshiman: See, here's my idea. Okay, it's kinda like the game Postal, only it stars Vorpalsoft employees. . .
Ditto: Hmm. . .
Yoshiman: *Pulls out more artwork* And this here is concepts for an online tactical RPG I call Broken Nightfall. . .
Ditto: Mmmhmm. . .
Yoshiman: *Even more art* Oh! And a command-adventure game. You know, like Monkey Island. I even wrote down the command verbs the buttons should be assigned to. . .
Ditto: Yoshiman, umm. . . there's about twelve reams here. . .
Yoshiman: Yeah, I know, I had to take a lunch break around page 441.
Author: Lupus of the Ages
Ditto: Well, it's a start at least. I suppose all of you have ideas a little more - uh - conventional than Yoshiman's?
Yoshiman: I'll have you know I spent hours on this new artwork for a great new idea I had-
*Ditto reaches across, snatches the folio out of Yoshiman's arms and promptly burns it with a pocket lighter*
Ditto: Now, moving on, who have some ideas?
*the room is silent, as Ditto leers around at them all slowly. No one moves a muscle.*
Ditto: *desperate* Anyone?
*Techno slowly raises his arm*
Ditto: Aha! You, whatsisname, flood me your ideas!
Techno: Sorry, I was just stretching my arm. Twenty four hours straight of my PHES and my arm muscles are kind of clenched up.
Ditto: So you're saying we make a game about how muscles clench up after playing this console for so long?
Techno: No, I'm saying I merely raised my hand to stretch my muscles.
Ditto: Is that so... *ushers Guisseppie over to him and whispers in his ear. Guisseppie rushes off towards Techno's office* I think next time you play your PHES, it'll be quite... a bang? Mwahahahahahaha!
*In the Vorpalsoft HQ, Vorpal is listening through a cable which is feeding him the Nichibutsu meeting*
Vorpal: This is outrageous! Now he's stolen my laugh! After all I've done for him-
Goom: You've done nothing for him sir.
Vorpal: -and he's already done my company enough damage by infiltrating it and stealing my new plans!
Ba: I believe it is the other way around.
Vorpal: I don't remember asking your opinion. However, I will conveniently remember asking your opinion if you do a little... scheming for me.
Ba: Sir?
Vorpal: I want you to blow up Nichibutsu HQ with horrendous amounts of dynamite.
Ba: Did I hear correctly sir?
Vorpal: No you did not. I merely said you were excused. I must be left alone. I have lots and lots of paperwork to get through. It is EVIL paperwork, mind. Mwahaha...
*back at Nichibutsu*
Ditto: So what you're saying, Luigi, is that we basically jib the basic action adventure game genre and really just replace the copyrighted 3D models with our own?
Luigi: I never said that-
Ditto: It's PERFECT. Congratulations, Luigi! You're promoted!
Luigi: Hoorah! What do I do now?
Ditto: You may now clean my own office!
Luigi: (Possibly a sort of... sad face?)
Ditto: It is a great privilege, I'm sure, but you can save your thanks for another time. We must get to work on the game immediately. Yoshiman can design the character and locations while Nintenfreak can sculpt a story around it then pass the project over to Flutter who can do his stuff then pass to Lupus then to Sapphire I hope you're talking notes people who can then test the product before Techno can add his notes which is then passed back onto Lupus and Yoshiman who design a witty slogan which is worth our money or should I say my money hahaha just a little joke there come on people get this down I don't have all day well I do but you don't hahahaha another one of my jokes there haha I should take up standup comedy because I'm THIS good.
Elzie: And what do I do?
Ditto: Hamburger, please.
Yoshiman: I'll have some frenchfries.
Techno: Spaghetti over here.
Elzie: *sigh*
"Luigiware, Inc.
Crazy Climber, an official Nichibutsu gaming magazine company" by Luigi of the Pipes
*Ditto leans back in his chair, feet up on his desk, bubbles coming out of his nose.*
Ditto: Mmm, spaghetti... oh, ravioli... ah, mamma mia...
*The chair leans back too far and Ditto falls off, knocking the trash over in the process.*
Ditto: *jumps up* Uh... oh well. More work for Luigi.
*The trash is all blurry and monotone-colored save for a magazine on top. Across the top is printed "CRAZY CLIMBER". On the cover is a kid in plain clothes, one hand hanging onto a window ledge as he faces the reader with a thumbs-up sign. Just above him looms a giant gorilla, and above that is a military-style helicopter.*
Ditto: Where'd this come from? I don't read magazines... *picks it up* Crazy Climber, the official Nichibutsu gaming magazine.
*Ditto opens up to the first page, complete with tear-out order form.*
Ditto: *reading* Yes, I wanna get crazy!
12 issues of Crazy Climber for only $9.95 US ($13.95 Cdn.)
24 issues of Crazy Climber for only $26.95 US ($37.95 Cdn.)
Choose your free gift:
Official Nichibutsu dustmop (Offer #0000)
Official Nichibutsu half-eaten sandwich (Offer #0001)
Official glasses of Nichibutsu president, Ditto McCloaker (Offer #0002)
*Ditto feels around his forehead.*
Ditto: Great... *presses intercom button* Guisseppie, I need you in here.
*Guisseppie enters.*
Guisseppie: Something wrong?
Ditto: *holds up magazine* I need to know who put this in my trash can.
Guisseppie: Need I implicate the janitor?
Ditto: *snaps fingers* Of course! Get him in here.
*Luigi enters.*
Luigi: Heihoo. How's the company?
Ditto: Glasses.
Luigi: If you subscribe fast, you can get them before anyone else has a chance.
Ditto: Now.
*Luigi hands over the glasses.*
Ditto: *holds up magazine* I am intrigued. You need better subscription bonuses.
Luigi: It's hard for a janitor to get his hands on stuff around here.
Ditto: Ask Yoshiman to make you up some player's guides for his ideas. He's got nothing better to do.
*Ditto flips through the pages.*
Ditto: Too many advertisements...
Luigi: How else am I gonna sell it for ten dollars less than everyone else? I get $4.50 an hour from you as is. Heck, I couldn't even afford to make THIS issue.
Ditto: Hmm...
~Local newspaper company~
Manager #1: I just did inventory on the printing room, and...
Manager #2: We're short thirty sheets and a whole lotta ink?
Manager #1: ...yes...
Manager #2: Next time a guy dressed like a bum comes in here and asks if he can give himself a private tour DON'T LET HIM!!!
~Ditto's office~
Luigi: Besides, I didn't have the heart to turn any of them down.
*Ditto rips out forty pages.*
Ditto: I just turned them down, then. Stick with $19.95.
~Long pause~
Luigi: Well?
Ditto: Oh right, my opinion. It has... potential. I'll give you the fact that we don't have much to go with for now. That's not an excuse to send yourself letters for the mailbag and rip off articles from Gaming Monthly, though.
*Luigi grimaces.*
Ditto: Tell you what. We have an empty warehouse that doesn't show any sign of getting filled. That's now Crazy Climber HQ, alright?
Luigi: Yeah yeah, I already started setting up. What about... FINANCIAL SUPPORT?!
Ditto: *grimaces* Well...
Luigi: Well, of course you're going to fund it. I need to know how much so I can start–
Ditto: Tell you what...
Luigi: Uh oh...
Ditto: When you make this into a good, wholesome magazine, I'll help fund you.
Luigi: Buh... buh... why not NOW?!
Ditto: When you can prove to me that you won't bungle this like everything else, then I'll take the risk.
Luigi: Bungle?! When have I ever bungled anything?!
Ditto: Well, there was that one time you–
Luigi: *covers ears* Stop stop! Okay, okay. I understand. Thanks for the warehouse...
Ditto: Look at it this way. There are plenty of independents like, say, Tips and Tricks or Prima, and people still love those.
Luigi: Yeah...
Ditto: Ah, you'll do fine. *looks at magazine again* This climber guy... we can use him as our mascot. What's his name?
Luigi: His... name?
Ditto: Yeah.
Luigi: Uh... (Arcady, Luigi of the Squeegee, Otiat, Jonothan...) Uh, it's Busson. Busson Nihon.
"BANNED!" by Nintenfreak
Ditto walks in on Flutter playing Freecell.
Ditto: Flutter! Are you doing work?
Flutter: Sure I am, I just got a great Idea for a Game. You take this little arrow guy and smite the cards, like so.
Ditto: Amazing: I never knew that card games could be so exciting.
Flutter: Card game nothing! This is an RPG, with several characters, like Mr. Resize Window, Miss insert Test, Dr. Pointy Finger, and Rev. Crosshair.
Ditto: ...
Flutter: Yeah, I get that a lot. My genius is lot amongst fools.
"When you're happy and you know it," by Lupus of the Ages
*Ditto, in his office, presses a switch on the intercom and announces to the building:*
Ditto: In urgency to show the service officers I am treating my employees well, I will be ejecting you one at a time into my office for Nichibutsu feedback. That meaning I have to sit through your whining about your first days at our company. By our I mean my.
*Ditto presses a button and Nintenfreak slides into his office, smashing his head on the conference table*
Nintenfreak: Fire! Police! Murder! That slide is too dangerous.
Ditto: I'm sorry to hear that, truly. Never before have I heard such a troubled claim as yourself. Please, accept these words as a token of my deepest sympathy.
Nintenfreak: I'd rather not.
Ditto: So do you have any REAL feedback?
Nintenfreak: Well, you see, I have the sneaking suspicion that the others are payed more than me.
Ditto: And why is that?
Nintenfreak: No reason. I'd just hoped it would warrant me a payrise.
Ditto: Mmmhmm... *Ditto leans over and begins writing on a long piece of paper*
Nintenfreak: And another thing.
Ditto: What is it now?
Nintenfreak: I have reason to believe Lupus stole my chair. I cannot work in these conditions.
Ditto: Your chair, eh? And that means your desk, computer, paper and pencils are suddenly devoid of use?
Nintenfreak: No, but-
Ditto: Then this complaint isn't VALID.
Nintenfreak: I think you'll find... that thing with my office's furniture... I sold it. I hope you don't mind.
Ditto: No of course I don't mind YOU'RE FIRED.
Nintenfreak: Let's not be hasty. I nearly have enough money to buy the rights to make a sequel to the, in my opinion, vastly overlooked franchise Bubble Pop!
Ditto: ...You're kidding me.
Nintenfreak: I knew you'd be overjoyed. Now, if you could just convince Lupus to hand me back my chair so I can promptly sell it, I'll have just enough.
Ditto: You know that hasty decision I made earlier?
Nintenfreak: I'm fired?
Ditto: I stand by it. *Ditto hammers the button on his desk and Nintenfreak is sucked back towards the pipe. He gets stuck for a second, then with a loud yelp, is sucked through. Out of an opposite pipe Luigi slides out, fast asleep, hits the conference desk and slides off the other side with a loud snore*
Ditto: You there, Luigi! Get up!
Luigi: No, Busson, get your hands away from that chicken!
*Luigi, still asleep, is quickly sucked back across the table and violently up the tube, as Lupus is shot out of another pipe, along with a chair which collides with the table and makes a large whole through the opposite wall*
Lupus: Ow...
Ditto: Why the heck are you wearing protection goggles? And holding a blowtorch?
Lupus: Ask no questions, I'll tell no lies.
Ditto: I don't think I want to know, or ask you any further questions, mind.
Lupus: That's a good idea.
*Ditto hovers his finger above the button*
Lupus: NO! Please no! I'll walk back!
Ditto: I don't think you understand the work sta-BOING.
*Ditto taps the button quickly and Lupus is sucked back to the tube. No matter what, he isn't being sucked back in. Ditto hammers the button furiously*
Lupus: Ne'er!
Ditto: Fine, you win. Those tubes cost me a lot of money. I wouldn't want them wrecked by something as worthless as an employee. I mean- something TOTALLY AWESOME... and uh... VERY HIGHLY QUALIFIED as an employee.
*Lupus collapses as the pipe retreats back into the wall*
Lupus: Thank you sir.
Ditto: Now, I have reason to believe the reason why you have that blowtorch there is to REMOVE the bars on the window in your office! You know they are there for a very... uh... legal reason, and if they were to be removed it would be quite a... dent on our corporation!
Lupus: This is outrageous! These accusations hurt me Ditto! They scar me inside! You have no proof, and yet here you are, yelling at me as if I was your arch enemy! That makes me sad, Ditto, sad!
Ditto: So that's a yes?
Lupus: Yes. I merely wanted some fresh air. I haven't been out for five days. These conditions...
Ditto: What have you to say for yourself?
Lupus: I'm sorry! Please let me keep my job! I'll do anything!
Ditto: Sure you can keep your job. On one condition!
Lupus: Hmm?
Ditto: You must jump on this desk and do a triple 360 backflip off it, and land in the splits.
Lupus: Is that even possible?
Ditto: No.