Story:MMEDDP Chapter 8
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Chapter 8
Bodett: Later... in the center of New York City, we see Masamune schmoozing with a huge crowd of rich, important people. He is holding a huge slice of New Yorker pizza and wearin' a T-Shirt that says "It's A Sword Thang."
Masamune: Yeah! Elect me!
*Suddenly, a long black limo covered with ? Marks rolls up. Out steps Vorpal, and after him, Ditto. They go to the center of MSG and set up a soapbox*
Masamune: Curses! What are they doing here?
Ditto: Kickin' your handle, you over grown kitchen-knife. *pulls out an extension cord, hooks one end up to Vorpal's mike, and plugs in the other end* Vorp, you're on.
Vorpal: Ahem. Is this thing on? Is thi- SSSSCCCCRRRREEEEECH- esting, one two.
*Ditto gives him the thumbs up*
Vorpal: Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, recently, your ears have been assaulted by the battle cries of a liar! A certain sword who shall remain nameless, *jerks his head toward Masamune* has been claiming things, he CAN'T deliver! Sure, we all want to fly, but HE can't deliver it! HE claims to have expertise? He should stick to spreadin' butter on TOAST!
*crowd chuckles. More and more of Masamune's followers turn to listen to Vorpal*
Vorpal: Why, elect yours truly to Capitol Hill, and I'll ship the swag home in boxcar lots. You'll be paving the roads with bacon around here when I am done shoveling out the pork barrel. There'll be government jobs for your dog! Leave your garden hose running for fifteen minutes, and I'll have the Department of Transportation build an eight-lane suspension bridge across the puddle! Show me a wet basement, and I'll get you a naval base and make your Roto-Rooter man an admiral of the fleet! There’ll be farm subsidies for every geranium you've got in a pot, defense contracts for Junior's spitballs, and free day care for Sister's dolls.*
Crowd: Vor-PAL! Vor-PAL! Vor-PAL!
Masamune: *jaw drops, stands, slack-jawed, while the cheese on his pizza plops to the sidewalk* Gott in himmel.
By now, Masamune has but one follower...
Masamune: Heh! So much for them... *clicks a button and the people explode into a nasty mess of censored stuff* You thought I was kidding huh?
Vorpal and Ditto: *jaws drop* I... don’t believe it!
Masamune: I used to be an extremely powerful Majick before being stuck in the sword! Now... Let this be a lesson to anyone else that should dare oppose me, I am your rightful leader!
Vorpal: We can't out-technologize him...
Ditto: Outmagic either... if MagiKoopa and Yoshiman were here it'd be no problem. So you and me shall use our skills, outcool and outsmart!
Vorpal: But will it work? People value their life over their popularity or knowledge... By now, Masamune has gained a crowd four times the size he had who are now doing exactly as he does.
Masamune: Yes my children... following me is the only way to live!
Vorpal: Right! Coolness and smartness! When all else fails, rely on our strengths. We'll outcool him!
Ditto: Actually, Vorp, I think it would be better to try to outsmart him first.
Vorpal: You got plan?
Ditto: I ALWAYS have a plan. I've been working on a solution to the brain-bomb problem.
Vorpal: But, we just learned about the brain-bomb.
Ditto: Don't question me.
Vorpal: Sorry.
Narrator: Ditto takes out a remote control and presses a button. Suddenly, the Dittomobile stretches out and sprouts wings and jet engines. A crimson-carpeted stairway leads up into the now Ditto Learjet. They climb in and take their seats in the spacious interior.
Vorpal: Nice. Where are we going?
Ditto: I want to show you my idea on my private island.
Vorpal: I gotta see this private island. What's your idea?
Ditto: All in good time, Vorp. Right now, we have to go to a cut scene showing our long-neglected enemies. It'll be over by the time we get there.
Vorpal: Awww. We can't even see the cut scene! What'll we do till then?
Ditto: We'll watch the in-flight movie.
Narrator: Pushing buttons on his armrest, Ditto dims the lights and pulls down a screen. A projector rises up out of the floor in the middle of the plane.
Vorpal: Oh! What is it?
Ditto: Uhhh... *checks the box* ALL RIGHT! "Princess Mononoke!!"
Vorpal: ...I'll never understand your taste in movies...
Ditto: SShh! It's starting!
Bodett: Meanwhile, in another part of the country, we visit a shadowy figure, arranging his backroom plans. Outside the window is a view of the Texas oilfields. On the wall is a diploma from Yale. Beside it is a picture of young Dubya. The words, "To dad, frum Jorge." are written in crayon on it. It is dated "1992." Sitting in a leather chair, sits a sinister old man with a peculiar, jerky way of talking, a freakish grin, and a habit of putting the accent on the wrong syllables. He is cloaked in shadow, save for his glinting glasses.
Man: Hmmm. Those boys just can't get it right. If my dimwit son bungles this one, I'll never regain control of the country, and exact my revenge against those upstart Clintin's for disgracing me back in '92! Looks like those boys need some help from... their OLD MAN! Hahaha! BAR!
Barbara: Yes, dear?
The Old Man: The polls aren't lookin' so well. Looks like I'm gonna have to go down there and give Junior a hand. It's the only way for me to regain control of the country, and exact my revenge against those Clintin's for disgracing me in '92. Just, tell me one thing... Are those cookies I smell baking?
Bar: Yes, George. Oatmeal cookies.
Old Man: Oh! Bring me a couple, will ya?
Bar: No, dear. You'll spoil your dinner.
Old Man: What's for dinner?
Bar: Broccoli.
Old Man: Read, my, lips! I hate broccoli!
Bar: Oh, George, give it up. It didn't work in '92, it won't work now.
The Old Man: Forget it. I'll be on my way.
Bar: Wipe your cowboy boots on the way out! No tracking oil on my nice clean floors!
The Old Man: *sigh* Yes, dear. *puts on a cowboy hat and boots, and stalks out*
Meanwhile, in Republican Committee Headquarters...
Shrub: I got news, bro. The old man's on his way!
Dubya: Quick! Hide the video games! Make it look like I'm studying! Awww, man! He's gonna killify me!
Shrub: You haven't changed since college.
Narrator: Suddenly, the door is kicked open by a pair of cowboy boots. A tall, gangly old man steps in and sets his suitcases down. It's none other than... George Herbert Walker Bush! *Melodramatic Music*
The Old Man: Well, aren't you boys gonna say hello to your Old Man?
Dubya and Shrub: Hi, dad.
The Old Man: ‘Attaboy! Now, let's get down to business! Mwa ha ha ha!
Narrator: While the bad guys discuss their plan, we now join Vorpal and Ditto, who are now landing on a lush, tropical island. In the center is a huge estate. Ditto and Vorpal leave the plane.
Ditto: *sniff* It's so sad... they'll never be together! *sniff*
Vorpal: WOW! What a neat place! Now, tell me your plan.
Ditto: Okay, okay. Anyway, I asked myself, "How did Masamune get armed, microscopic bombs into people?" And I figured it out! Through the water supply! Vorpal: ...Of course!
Ditto: So, I have developed a microscopic device that we can ALSO slip into people, that will send out signals that will JAM any incoming signals to detonate the bombs, thus rendering them useless!
Vorpal: Ditto, you're a genius.
Ditto: You have no idea... Now, to inject them into the populace! To HOOVER DAM!
Vorpal: Awww, man. I got jet lag. I wanna see this tropical island.
Ditto: Don't question me, Vorp.
Vorpal: Sorry. What's the movie this time?
Ditto: "Kikki's Delivery Service!"
Vorpal: ...
Bodett: And so, those resourceful young boys flew back across the country, and released billions and billions of those tiny, life-saving devices into the water supply, much to the enemy's dismay...
Back in Masa's HQ...
Masamune: Hey! Vorpal's rising in the polls again! Looks like I'm gonna have to decimate some more of the populace!
*presses the button*
Masamune: Huh? Nothing's happening. *pushes buttons randomly* What's going on?
Birdo: I don't know, boss. All I know is, I haven't had a drink of water in hours. *gets up*
Masamune: Why aren't they working? There's one button I haven't tried...
Narrator: In desperation, Masamune tries the last button. Suddenly, Birdo, who is just about to take a drink, goes up in a ball of fire.
Masamune: Ooops! Uh... someone get a dustpan and clean that up...
{{MMEDDP Chapters}