The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA Chapter 1
Chapter One: Potato Ho!
Author: GORE-ILLA
*Que Pasa dashes onto the deck. He takes out a megaphone and shouts into it.*
Que Pasa: Attention all pirates of the Golden Cheesecake! Captain Scruffy has called for the entire crew! That means all of you, to the captain's office now!
*No response.*
Que Pasa: Slackers. I'll have to bring them over the hard way.
*His nose shifts into a cannon. He runs into the kitchen and fires several shots near Chef Lupine's feet.*
Que Pasa: To the captain's office, crap-cooker! He's called for the entire crew, and he'll have all our heads if we're late!
Lupine: (sigh) Fine. Just a sec...
*Que Pasa leaves the room. After making sure he's gone, Lupine spits in Que Pasa's food.*
Lupine: Heh heh...
Author: That Krazy Dude
Everyone is gathered in the captain's quarters as Captain Scruffy delivers his grim message.
"Men (looks at Lupine) and women, we are all in serious trouble."
"That's right!" shouts Que Pasa, "Major trouble! The kind that makes you cry out in the night like a little baby in its crib!"
(That Krazy Dude joins in) "Trouble with a capital 5, a silent Q, and 3 z's!"
(Lupine) "What?!"
(That Krazy Dude) "...I don't know..."
(Cap'n Scruffy) "Anyway, there is a giant man-eating sea potato coming our way. I am afraid that if we don't destroy it...we are all screwed."
(Lupine) "noooooooooo...(ten minutes later)...oooooooooo..."
*Que Pasa beats Lupine over the head with That Krazy Dude's mop.*
(Que Pasa) "Shut up!"
(Scruffy) "Krazy Dude, do you think you can assist us with this evil potato from Davey Jones' grocery store?"
(Krazy Dude) "I can fight it...but my depression/confusion powers are useless, since potatoes have no emotions."
To be continued...or will it?
Author: GORE-ILLA
Que Pasa: Like telemarketers!
Captain Scruffy: Do you have a plan to save us, First mate?
Que Pasa: Yes, a most wondrous of plans! It is a classic strategy.
Captain Scruffy: What is it?
Que Pasa: I propose we shoot the hell out of it.
*Later Que Pasa, Stampede and anyone else on the ship who can hold a gun is summoned to the back of the ship, where they line up, aim and then fire at the sea potato.*
Stampede: This isn't working! He's automatically healing any damage we cause!
Krazy Dude: Like telemarketers!
Lupine: Leave this to me! When it comes down to it, a potato's a potato and every potato is made to be eaten!
*Lupine, with a fork stuck between his teeth, leaps off the ship and quickly swims straight towards the sea potato.*
Author: That Krazy Dude
Stampede and Que Pasa fired at the potato, using up ammo like there was no tomorrow (and if the potato survives there won't be a tomorrow for the crew). They needed to distract it long enough for Lupine to reach it and destroy the evil spud once and for all.
Lupine was swimming for his life. If he doesn't succeed, he will be devoured by the sea potato.
Meanwhile, the men fired at the potato with all they had.
Stampede: Que Pasa, you must use your cannon nose.
Que Pasa: Great idea, Stampede! We must load it up with something, though.
Stampede: How 'bout all these janitor supplies? We'll tell That Krazy Dude that the potato destroyed it.
Que Pasa: Also a good idea! Load it up!
Stampede puts all the janitorial supplies in Que Pasa's nose. What he doesn't know is that sleeping in beds is against that Krazy Dude's religion. So he sleeps in a pile of janitorial supplies. Stampede lifted all the supplies in one load and threw it all into Que Pasa's nose.
Stampede: Fire!
Que Pasa launched all the supplies as well as That Krazy Dude towards the giant potato.
That Krazy Dude: *random screeching noise*
Cap'n Scruffy: What the hell was that? That better not be who I think it is flying in the air and screeching like an idiot!
Stampede: Uh...that's me flying through the air and screeching like an idiot...heh heh.
Scruffy: Oh.....hey wait a minute! You're right here, you bloody idiot!
Stampede: Uh...no I'm not!
Scruffy: Yes, you are!
Stampede: No, I'm not!
Scruffy: SHUT UP YOU DAMN IDIOTS!!! *sigh* I knew I should have at least given him a room to stay in other than in those damn janitor supplies!
Que Pasa: Cap'n! It's a direct hit!
Scruffy: Stampede! What's happening?
Stampede looks through a telescope at the potato to see that there's a hole in it.
Stampede: Sir, it all broke through the potato! Oh my God! It has wires in it!
Que Pasa: Like a telemarketer?
Scruffy: Shut up!
Stampede: I have to help him! Que Pasa! Ready the cannon, and aim for the hole!
Que Pasa aims his nose towards the hole in the potato.
Scruffy: Are you mad? We have nothing else to launch at this potato and even if we did, we might kill That Krazy Dude! There will be no one to clean our ship!
Stampede: That's why Que Pasa's going to fire me at the potato!
Scruffy: Are you mad?!
Stampede: No, I'm crazy! But that's not the point. I'm going to find out what's up with all those wires. I'm going to destroy the potato from the inside!
Que Pasa: And save That Krazy Dude, right?
Stampede: yea whatever. *gets into Que Pasa's nose cannon* Ready! Aim! Fire!
Que Pasa fires Stampede at the potato's hole, sending Stampede flying through the air.
As this was happening, Lupine had finally reached the potato.
Lupine: Take this you evil spud! Yaaa!
He stabs the potato but the fork breaks on the surface.
Lupine: The hell? *feels the surface of the potato* This thing is made of metal! What the hell is going on?
That Krazy Dude comes flying through the air in a load of janitor supplies and breaks through the potato leaving a hole in it.
Lupine: What the...Krazy Dude?
Lupine climbs up the potato and through the hole to find That Krazy Dude lying amongst a bunch of janitor supplies.
Lupine: Are you okay?
That Krazy Dude: Yeah, I'm fine. Damn, that hurt! Why do I have to sleep in a pile of janitor supplies?...DUCK!!!
Stampede comes flying through the hole and lands right next to them.
That Krazy Dude: Stampede! You okay?!
Stampede: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lupine: What the hell is this place guys?
Stampede: Looks like the inside of some sort of machine.
That Krazy Dude: Who the hell is behind this?
Lupine: Holy crap!
Stampede and That Krazy Dude look at Lupine and see him pointing towards what looks lik a control console. There was some one at the console though.
The strange man turned around to face the intruders. It was.....Gary Coleman!
To be continued...
Author: GORE-ILLA
*So Lupine, Krazy Dude and Stampede face off with Gary Coleman.*
Lupine: Gary Coleman! What's this all about?
Gary Coleman: Your destruction, you mediocre organisms.
Stampede: I don't think so! Eat lead midget!
Krazy Dude: Y'know, the last girl who rejected me liked potatoes...
- Gary Coleman is unphased by Krazy Dude's depressing speech, and the arm Stampede blows off immediately regenerates.*
Stampede: You're not human!
Gary Coleman: That's right! I am the true body- the sea potato is merely a shell to lure in hungry victims whom I can absorb into my body!
Stampede: We have to fight him! We can't be beaten by the shortest person ever next to Darren!
Krazy Dude: There was that incoming freshman who was shorter than Darren today. He's looked taller ever since...
Lupine: Wait a second! You wouldn't happen to be related to that Bill Cosby robot we fought a while back, would you?
Gary Coleman: Enough talking insolent pedestrians, it's time to be absorbed!
- Tendrils stretch out from the ground and wrap around the group.*
Stampede: What now?
Krazy Dude: Hark, from the north! Penguins approacheth! Your deeds are undone and your nose cleansed!
Gary Coleman: ...Whatchou talkin' bout Willis?
- As Gary Coleman is confused, the tendrils start to weaken. Lupine, Krazy Dude and Stampede break free. Stampede pulls out a flamethrower and aims it at Gary Coleman's head.*
Stampede: Regenerate this, fucker!
- Coleman is completely consumed by the flames. However, a new Gary Coleman begins to form from the floor.*
Gary Coleman: Ha, you fool! The potato and I are one and the same- as long as one of us is alive, neither of us is dead!
- Hundreds of Gary Colemans form from the ground.*
Krazy Dude: This is not good. Someone must have fed him after midnight.
Stampede: Then I guess its time to blow this whole place up! (takes out a huge laser cannon) I'll miss you baby...
- Stampede sets the laser cannon to self-destruct.*
Gary Coleman: How dare you! But escape is impossible, so you'll die with us! That thought pleases us!
Lupine: I don't think so!
- Lupine kicks a path through the crowd of Colemans for the Krazy Dude and Stampede to follow. They all leap out of the potato just as it explodes.*
Gary Coleman: No! I've failed my mast- (BOOM)
Stampede: It can't be over this fast.
Lupine: Yes. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning. ...I always wanted to say that.