Gamehiker High University Page 2

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Author: Freddy Kruegerio

(Meanwhile, in the stalls)

Lupus: Jeez, having my head stuck in the the toilet was not a good idea for some reason I can't quite figure out. However, I got those DIRTY MAGAZINES. (Lupus opens up the magazine hoping for some hot Nintendo Power when it just turns out to be Gardening weekly that hasn't been washed in years and left outside the entire time) What.

(Meanwhile, IN DA HALLS (Ha it rhymes and it's funny because))

Gamechamp: Nowe, tue check oover those cheeatie sheeities my good friend Yami got me oh boy oh boy!

(Gamechamp looks over them, finds out the only words written on it are "A B C^ C> START L L R R Z KONAMI JOINTVENTURE also Tron sucks")

Gamechamp: Good enough.

---

(A classroom where Vorpal gives a unusual sample of kindness to go over the material again - namely since Kuria's in the class...)

Vorpal: Now, who knows what the worst video game movie ever is?

Yami: It is a question of personal taste and is a trick question, sir.

Vorpal: Did I hear "Tron"? Somebody tell me I heard Tron.

Yami: I'm sorry sir, but to say Tron would be a lie and therefore an incorrect answer in such an excercise, giving an incorrect reading of where the class understanding of material is at.

Vorpal: ... You're fired.

Author: Vorpal

Vorpal: And the best video game movie of all time?

Yami: Sir, I must respectfully raise the same objection I had with the last question.

Gamechamp: *raises hand* Uhh... ahlso Tron suuksa

Vorpal: Yes, Tron does suck, but I'm asking about the BEST video game movie.

Gamechamp: But-ah my cheetsie sheeities only sahy Tron suuksa.

Vorpal: Well then you better write this down on your cheetsie sheeities, cause it WILL be on the final. Anybody? Kuria?

Kuria: Uhhhhmmm.... Sssssssss *Vorpal nods*ssstree--*Vorpal makes bad face* uh, I mean... Ssssssssssssuuuper? *Vorpal nods* Super.... *Vorpal mouths "Ma"* Super Maa... Ma... Maaario? Super Mario! .......... Brothers. Super Mario Brothers.

Vorpal: Right! Exactly! Super Mario Bros.! Now some heathens may say it's a bad movie, but you must not listen to them. Good job, by the way, Kuria, but you may need some extra help during my office hours.

Kuria: *Offended* WHAT!?! But I...... oh.... OH! Of course, Professor Vorpal.

Gamechamp: Coold I geet some exutra halp in offeece hoors?

Vorpal: No. Now Please turn to chapter three: Obscure unlicensed NES games and accesories that I own and am therefore better than you.

Sapphire: *whispers to Kuria* Can you believe that he made us buy his own textbook that HE wrote?

Kuria: He just wants to make sure we get the best information possible.

Sapphire: *rolls eyes* ....

Author: Luiigii of the Pipes

~Detention. Lupus and Gamechamp sit at desks in Professor GORE's classroom.~

Lupus: Man. I can't believe Yami is a prep.

Gamechamp: ~visibly nervous~ In dee olde coontry, prep ees a vord for gutchaspen.

Lupus: Whatever.

Professor GORE: ~peeks in~ Uh, hey guys. I'm busy tonight trying to decide whether I want fish or beef for dinner, so I'm canceling detention.

Gamechamp: Tank de goods!

Professor GORE: That is, I would be canceling detention, but Professor Luigi is substituting.

Lupus: I thought he went home early.

Professor GORE: No. He's been getting really depressed lately, so he kinda... locked himself in the wine cellar and--

Lupus: Wait. This school has a WINE CELLAR?

Professor GORE: NO! ANYWAY!

~Professor GORE disappears and Professor Luigi staggers in, falls over for no reason, cracks his head on the desk, and passes out.~

Gamechamp: Dees eez not soo baid, croikey?

Professor Luigi: ~jumps up~ TEN YEARS AH-AH-AH WURK IN THIS PLACE! AND NOT ONCE I GET A DAY OFF!

Lupus: Turn off your caps, gawd.

Professor Luigi: You guys... ~leans on desk~ You guys know I wuz married? I wuz. She wuz the most beautufil broom I ever lai--lai--lai--saw. SIX MONTHS! SIX MONTHS AND SHE WUZ GONE! POOF! AND ALL MY MONEY! THAT @)(*#%)*(@*&%

Gamechamp: I am not nooing what dese words mean. I must rite dem doon to expand my vocabulary, aye?

Professor Luigi: Sure. So where wuz ah?

~Twelve hours later~

Professor Luigi: An-an-an that wuz the day my daddy died. I--I-- ~passes out again~

Lupus: ~stops slamming head on desk~ Huh? Come on kid, let's split.

Gamechamp: Teechur Monkey-Man didn't lie. Dese detention is de @)(*#%)*(@*&% of detentions. Bite-size sushi?

***

~The next day~

~Golem walks into school late as usual and spies Toby as usual. However, before he can wave to Toby, he hears a whirring sound. He turns around quickly, but nothing is there. He takes a step forward and hears the whirring sound again, turns, and sees a trash can that wasn't sitting there before. But being a trash can, he completely ignores it. Golem, becoming panicky, runs over to Toby.~

Toby: 'Sup Goles?

Golem: Hey Toby. Remember yesterday when we spied on Headmaster Mune and he sicked the hall monitors on us?

Toby: Sure.

Golem: Remember how we didn't actually deal with them and they just kinda faded out of the story?

Toby: Awful lucky for us, yeah. HIGH FIVE!

Golem: I don't think they DID fade out of the story!

Toby: Aw come on Golem. That's crazy. I mean--

~Whirring sound~

Toby: Um.

~Toby glances over at the trash can, which is significantly closer than it was before. However, still being a trash can, it is still ignored.~

Toby: Oh Golem. Stop getting me paranoid. Let's get to class before Headmaster Mune busts our chops.

Golem: Sure.

~Toby and Golem turn and run. As they leave, the trash can explodes outward and reveals the Dalek within.~

Dalek: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Toby: HOLY--

Golem: I TOLD YOU! DEATH RAY!

~Toby and Golem drop and roll in opposite directions. The death ray streaks past and destroys a bust of Headmaster Mune.~

Bust: Paaaaarrrrrtttttyyyyy Gooooooeeeeerrrrsssss...

Toby: UP THE STAIRS!

~Toby and Golem run up one of the thousand sets of stairs required in all High Universities. The Dalek rolls up to the stairs and stares at Toby and Golem.~

Dalek: STAIRS. IN-I-TI-ATE WAIT IN PARK-ING LOT AF-TER SCHOOL MODE. ~rolls away emitting fist-punching-palm sounds~

Toby/Golem: ~gulp~

~Professor Luigi's homeroom~

~Professor Luigi sits at his desk with his head straight down, making the occasional mumble. The students stare at him.~

Speaker: ProfessorLuigipleasereporttoHeadmasterMune'sofficeimmediately. PleasereporttoHeadmasterMune'sofficeimmediately.

~Professor Luigi grumbles and staggers out. The students do usual unsupervised student stuff.~

Professor Luigi: ~stumbles into Headmaster Mune's office~ What?

Secretary Dodo: The Headmaster will see you now.

Professor Luigi: I KNOW. ~stumbles into Headmaster Mune's inner office~ What?

Headmaster Mune: Sit, Professor. Now--

Professor Luigi: Listen, Masa.

Headmaster Mune: Headmaster MUNE.

Professor Luigi: I was NOT drunk. I don't care what anyone tells you. Lupus is a born liar and Gamechamp doesn't speak English. If they say I was drunk, then obviously I wasn't.

Headmaster Mune: Um, yeah. Do you know this girl? ~holds up sketch of Rebe~

Professor Luigi: Rebe?

Headmaster Mune: Do you know, perhaps, her home address? Or maybe just her phone number? Possibly her sign?

Professor Luigi: I dunno. It was five years ago.

Headmaster Mune: Bah! You're useless as ever! First my school, then my girlfriend, what next will you try to steal from me?!

Professor Luigi: I didn't--

Headmaster Mune: Oh whatever. Get back to your classroom. And Luigi?

Professor Luigi: Huh?

Headmaster Mune: I HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY DAY!

Professor Luigi: ~ears explode~ Ow.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Yami Yoshi walks through the halls of the school when Gamechamp bumps into him.*

Yami Yoshi: Oh. Sorry there, Gamechamp old buddy.

Gamechamp: In my home-ing town, we have a word for the types of you.

Yami Yoshi: Pardon?

Gamechamp: Bffdlknrr! Zat iz vhat I call ye, yonder traitor of thine trust! Thou hast set me up with the cheatie-sheeties and told me there would be no problems, former mate hombre laddie menyouck!

Yami Yoshi: I'm sorry, Gamechamp. I was lost back then. I'm a new person now.

Gamechamp: Listen you little punk! You don't know what I experienced in that detention! It was worse then anything I had ever experienced in my home-ing country! I will get my revenge, Yami the Yoshi! I will... Arriba arriba!

*Gamechamp steps back a few feet and disappears into a passing crowd.*

Yami Yoshi: What have I done?! Is there any way to send him back to his home country.

Professor GORE: (happened to be walking by) Nope. In fact, it's virtually impossible now that Luigi the Doubter's been taken to a human ranch.

Author: Ditto McCloaker

~Meanwhile, at the St. Ditto's Academy, in the elaborate and stylish antiquated office of Dean McCloaker, a hooded, robed figure enters~

Hooded Figure: My Dean, I have returned from Gamehiker's.

Dean: And...?

Hooded Figure: It is just as you'd hoped. They have made absolutely no improvement. In fact, they appear to have worsened even further from the other day. One of their professors was drunk and the other was insane.

Dean: And the students?

Hooded Figure: In the most pitiable state of neglect and shame.

Dean: Most regrettable. They shall certainly put up no serious resistance at the Big Event. And our Champions... how goes their... "Juicing?"

Hooded Figure: Their juicing is proceeding regularly. They grow stronger by the day.

Dean: And the supply?

Hooded Figure: We'll have to re-order more orange juice soon.

Dean: Very well. Alert Tropicana. And now, back to your studies. I must make... final arrangements.

*Hooded Figure bows backwards out of the office*

Dean: *picks up phone and dials* ...Ah, yes, Miss Havisham? Of Havisham's Orphanage? Yes, yes... I'm calling about the proposal I made last week... Yes... Yes... We are prepared to turn over all the proceeds our school wins at the Big Events to your orphanage. Yes... very good. Then I shall have teh paperwork to finalize the arrangement in a few days, at which point we can sign them... No, thank YOU Miss Havisham.

*puts down the phone and leans back in his chair*

Gamehiker Spy: *gasp* This is terrible!

Gamehiker Spy 2: Hm?

Gamehiker Spy: Don't you realize? If they go into the Big Events with the intention of using the proceeds to save an orphanage, then they will be UNSTOPPABLE! It is the most powerful kind of magic available!

GS2: We must report back swiftly!

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Headmaster Mune bursts into the school's laundry room and finds Professor Vorpal there.*

Headmaster Mune: Ah, hello Vorpal.

Professor Vorpal: Masa.

Headmaster Mune: I have some wash here. Good thing this school was built over an Indian Laundromat. Only downside is the ghosts.

*Headmaster Mune dumps some clothes into the washing machine and turns it on. Then he looks over and sees a basket of clothes quivering.*

Headmaster Mune: Did you see that?

Professor Vorpal: Er, see what?

Headmaster Mune: A ghost! Hiding in that laundry basket! I'll find it and slay it! (sticks a knife in between his teeth and leaps toward the laundry basket)

Professor Vorpal: I don't think there's anything in there, Masa.

Headmaster Mune: Oh, go drive your ice cream bus.

*Soon the laundry basket is completely empty.*

Headmaster Mune: Wow, the basket is empty. You weren't hiding any ghosts from me, Vorpal. I'm proud of you. In fact, I think I'll reward you.

Professor Vorpal: Really?

Headmaster Mune: Yeah, I'll send your class a used desk.

Professor Vorpal: Okay... thanks.

Headmaster Mune: Well I have to prepare for the BIG GAME. (walks off)

*Vorpal opens the dryer, and Kuria sticks her head out.*

Professor Vorpal: That was close.

Kuria: (takes deep breaths)

*Professor Vorpal and Kuria begin to kiss, but then the door starts to open, and Professor Vorpal quickly shoves her back into the washing machine then closes the lid.*

Headmaster Mune: Who were you talking to?

Professor Vorpal: The janitor.

That Krazy Dude: (materializes from the shadows) How do you do, I am no longer idle.

Headmaster: Yeah, keep doing your job crazy janitor guy. (leaves)

Professor Vorpal: Hey, thanks there Tha- (turns over and notices That Krazy Dude is gone)

*Professor Vorpal opens the dryer, releasing Kuria.*

Kuria: I'm never coming here again. Oh crap, I'm late for my next class. (runs off while Vorpal stays there and stretches, then she runs back) It's YOUR class! (Professor Vorpal runs off as well)

*Soon, That Krazy Dude comes to the bathroom.*

That Krazy Dude: Give me what I want, and I shall pay you in gossip.

*That Krazy Dude whispers into the toilet. A hand then reaches out from the toilet and hands him a model pirate ship-in-a-bottle.*

That Krazy Dude: Swanky Kong. My dream is realized. (disappears)

*Later on, in the girl's room, Sapphire complains.*

Sapphire: Oy, Professor Vorpal failed me on his test again! This really bites.

Elzie: Hey Sapph, the toilet just spit out a note.

Sapphire: (reads without picking it up) "If you want to get back at Professor Vorpal, come to the... boy's bathroom? And bring something of equal or greater value"?

*Sapphire sneaks into the boy's room... actually she just kicks the door open and walks straight to the stall but whatever.*

Golem: S-Sa-Sapphire, what are you doing here?

Sapphire: Answering a note in the toilet.

Golem: Oh, then you should go to that stall.

*Golem and Sapphire enter the stall.*

Sapphire: Tell me, what secrets do you know about this jerk teacher?

*A funnel of water shoots out from the toilet. When the water clears, a man stands there. A deformed mole-like guy.*

Mole Guy: For every question I have an answer; for every problem I have a solution; for every craving I have something to quench it. As long as you don't tell the police.

Author: Kester

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