Gamehiker High University Page 2

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Author: Freddy Kruegerio

(Meanwhile, in the stalls)

Lupus: Jeez, having my head stuck in the the toilet was not a good idea for some reason I can't quite figure out. However, I got those DIRTY MAGAZINES. (Lupus opens up the magazine hoping for some hot Nintendo Power when it just turns out to be Gardening weekly that hasn't been washed in years and left outside the entire time) What.

(Meanwhile, IN DA HALLS (Ha it rhymes and it's funny because))

Gamechamp: Nowe, tue check oover those cheeatie sheeities my good friend Yami got me oh boy oh boy!

(Gamechamp looks over them, finds out the only words written on it are "A B C^ C> START L L R R Z KONAMI JOINTVENTURE also Tron sucks")

Gamechamp: Good enough.

---

(A classroom where Vorpal gives a unusual sample of kindness to go over the material again - namely since Kuria's in the class...)

Vorpal: Now, who knows what the worst video game movie ever is?

Yami: It is a question of personal taste and is a trick question, sir.

Vorpal: Did I hear "Tron"? Somebody tell me I heard Tron.

Yami: I'm sorry sir, but to say Tron would be a lie and therefore an incorrect answer in such an excercise, giving an incorrect reading of where the class understanding of material is at.

Vorpal: ... You're fired.

Author: Vorpal

Vorpal: And the best video game movie of all time?

Yami: Sir, I must respectfully raise the same objection I had with the last question.

Gamechamp: *raises hand* Uhh... ahlso Tron suuksa

Vorpal: Yes, Tron does suck, but I'm asking about the BEST video game movie.

Gamechamp: But-ah my cheetsie sheeities only sahy Tron suuksa.

Vorpal: Well then you better write this down on your cheetsie sheeities, cause it WILL be on the final. Anybody? Kuria?

Kuria: Uhhhhmmm.... Sssssssss *Vorpal nods*ssstree--*Vorpal makes bad face* uh, I mean... Ssssssssssssuuuper? *Vorpal nods* Super.... *Vorpal mouths "Ma"* Super Maa... Ma... Maaario? Super Mario! .......... Brothers. Super Mario Brothers.

Vorpal: Right! Exactly! Super Mario Bros.! Now some heathens may say it's a bad movie, but you must not listen to them. Good job, by the way, Kuria, but you may need some extra help during my office hours.

Kuria: *Offended* WHAT!?! But I...... oh.... OH! Of course, Professor Vorpal.

Gamechamp: Coold I geet some exutra halp in offeece hoors?

Vorpal: No. Now Please turn to chapter three: Obscure unlicensed NES games and accesories that I own and am therefore better than you.

Sapphire: *whispers to Kuria* Can you believe that he made us buy his own textbook that HE wrote?

Kuria: He just wants to make sure we get the best information possible.

Sapphire: *rolls eyes* ....

Author: Luiigii of the Pipes

~Detention. Lupus and Gamechamp sit at desks in Professor GORE's classroom.~

Lupus: Man. I can't believe Yami is a prep.

Gamechamp: ~visibly nervous~ In dee olde coontry, prep ees a vord for gutchaspen.

Lupus: Whatever.

Professor GORE: ~peeks in~ Uh, hey guys. I'm busy tonight trying to decide whether I want fish or beef for dinner, so I'm canceling detention.

Gamechamp: Tank de goods!

Professor GORE: That is, I would be canceling detention, but Professor Luigi is substituting.

Lupus: I thought he went home early.

Professor GORE: No. He's been getting really depressed lately, so he kinda... locked himself in the wine cellar and--

Lupus: Wait. This school has a WINE CELLAR?

Professor GORE: NO! ANYWAY!

~Professor GORE disappears and Professor Luigi staggers in, falls over for no reason, cracks his head on the desk, and passes out.~

Gamechamp: Dees eez not soo baid, croikey?

Professor Luigi: ~jumps up~ TEN YEARS AH-AH-AH WURK IN THIS PLACE! AND NOT ONCE I GET A DAY OFF!

Lupus: Turn off your caps, gawd.

Professor Luigi: You guys... ~leans on desk~ You guys know I wuz married? I wuz. She wuz the most beautufil broom I ever lai--lai--lai--saw. SIX MONTHS! SIX MONTHS AND SHE WUZ GONE! POOF! AND ALL MY MONEY! THAT @)(*#%)*(@*&%

Gamechamp: I am not nooing what dese words mean. I must rite dem doon to expand my vocabulary, aye?

Professor Luigi: Sure. So where wuz ah?

~Twelve hours later~

Professor Luigi: An-an-an that wuz the day my daddy died. I--I-- ~passes out again~

Lupus: ~stops slamming head on desk~ Huh? Come on kid, let's split.

Gamechamp: Teechur Monkey-Man didn't lie. Dese detention is de @)(*#%)*(@*&% of detentions. Bite-size sushi?

***

~The next day~

~Golem walks into school late as usual and spies Toby as usual. However, before he can wave to Toby, he hears a whirring sound. He turns around quickly, but nothing is there. He takes a step forward and hears the whirring sound again, turns, and sees a trash can that wasn't sitting there before. But being a trash can, he completely ignores it. Golem, becoming panicky, runs over to Toby.~

Toby: 'Sup Goles?

Golem: Hey Toby. Remember yesterday when we spied on Headmaster Mune and he sicked the hall monitors on us?

Toby: Sure.

Golem: Remember how we didn't actually deal with them and they just kinda faded out of the story?

Toby: Awful lucky for us, yeah. HIGH FIVE!

Golem: I don't think they DID fade out of the story!

Toby: Aw come on Golem. That's crazy. I mean--

~Whirring sound~

Toby: Um.

~Toby glances over at the trash can, which is significantly closer than it was before. However, still being a trash can, it is still ignored.~

Toby: Oh Golem. Stop getting me paranoid. Let's get to class before Headmaster Mune busts our chops.

Golem: Sure.

~Toby and Golem turn and run. As they leave, the trash can explodes outward and reveals the Dalek within.~

Dalek: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Toby: HOLY--

Golem: I TOLD YOU! DEATH RAY!

~Toby and Golem drop and roll in opposite directions. The death ray streaks past and destroys a bust of Headmaster Mune.~

Bust: Paaaaarrrrrtttttyyyyy Gooooooeeeeerrrrsssss...

Toby: UP THE STAIRS!

~Toby and Golem run up one of the thousand sets of stairs required in all High Universities. The Dalek rolls up to the stairs and stares at Toby and Golem.~

Dalek: STAIRS. IN-I-TI-ATE WAIT IN PARK-ING LOT AF-TER SCHOOL MODE. ~rolls away emitting fist-punching-palm sounds~

Toby/Golem: ~gulp~

~Professor Luigi's homeroom~

~Professor Luigi sits at his desk with his head straight down, making the occasional mumble. The students stare at him.~

Speaker: ProfessorLuigipleasereporttoHeadmasterMune'sofficeimmediately. PleasereporttoHeadmasterMune'sofficeimmediately.

~Professor Luigi grumbles and staggers out. The students do usual unsupervised student stuff.~

Professor Luigi: ~stumbles into Headmaster Mune's office~ What?

Secretary Dodo: The Headmaster will see you now.

Professor Luigi: I KNOW. ~stumbles into Headmaster Mune's inner office~ What?

Headmaster Mune: Sit, Professor. Now--

Professor Luigi: Listen, Masa.

Headmaster Mune: Headmaster MUNE.

Professor Luigi: I was NOT drunk. I don't care what anyone tells you. Lupus is a born liar and Gamechamp doesn't speak English. If they say I was drunk, then obviously I wasn't.

Headmaster Mune: Um, yeah. Do you know this girl? ~holds up sketch of Rebe~

Professor Luigi: Rebe?

Headmaster Mune: Do you know, perhaps, her home address? Or maybe just her phone number? Possibly her sign?

Professor Luigi: I dunno. It was five years ago.

Headmaster Mune: Bah! You're useless as ever! First my school, then my girlfriend, what next will you try to steal from me?!

Professor Luigi: I didn't--

Headmaster Mune: Oh whatever. Get back to your classroom. And Luigi?

Professor Luigi: Huh?

Headmaster Mune: I HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY DAY!

Professor Luigi: ~ears explode~ Ow.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Yami Yoshi walks through the halls of the school when Gamechamp bumps into him.*

Yami Yoshi: Oh. Sorry there, Gamechamp old buddy.

Gamechamp: In my home-ing town, we have a word for the types of you.

Yami Yoshi: Pardon?

Gamechamp: Bffdlknrr! Zat iz vhat I call ye, yonder traitor of thine trust! Thou hast set me up with the cheatie-sheeties and told me there would be no problems, former mate hombre laddie menyouck!

Yami Yoshi: I'm sorry, Gamechamp. I was lost back then. I'm a new person now.

Gamechamp: Listen you little punk! You don't know what I experienced in that detention! It was worse then anything I had ever experienced in my home-ing country! I will get my revenge, Yami the Yoshi! I will... Arriba arriba!

*Gamechamp steps back a few feet and disappears into a passing crowd.*

Yami Yoshi: What have I done?! Is there any way to send him back to his home country.

Professor GORE: (happened to be walking by) Nope. In fact, it's virtually impossible now that Luigi the Doubter's been taken to a human ranch.

Author: Ditto McCloaker

~Meanwhile, at the St. Ditto's Academy, in the elaborate and stylish antiquated office of Dean McCloaker, a hooded, robed figure enters~

Hooded Figure: My Dean, I have returned from Gamehiker's.

Dean: And...?

Hooded Figure: It is just as you'd hoped. They have made absolutely no improvement. In fact, they appear to have worsened even further from the other day. One of their professors was drunk and the other was insane.

Dean: And the students?

Hooded Figure: In the most pitiable state of neglect and shame.

Dean: Most regrettable. They shall certainly put up no serious resistance at the Big Event. And our Champions... how goes their... "Juicing?"

Hooded Figure: Their juicing is proceeding regularly. They grow stronger by the day.

Dean: And the supply?

Hooded Figure: We'll have to re-order more orange juice soon.

Dean: Very well. Alert Tropicana. And now, back to your studies. I must make... final arrangements.

*Hooded Figure bows backwards out of the office*

Dean: *picks up phone and dials* ...Ah, yes, Miss Havisham? Of Havisham's Orphanage? Yes, yes... I'm calling about the proposal I made last week... Yes... Yes... We are prepared to turn over all the proceeds our school wins at the Big Events to your orphanage. Yes... very good. Then I shall have teh paperwork to finalize the arrangement in a few days, at which point we can sign them... No, thank YOU Miss Havisham.

*puts down the phone and leans back in his chair*

Gamehiker Spy: *gasp* This is terrible!

Gamehiker Spy 2: Hm?

Gamehiker Spy: Don't you realize? If they go into the Big Events with the intention of using the proceeds to save an orphanage, then they will be UNSTOPPABLE! It is the most powerful kind of magic available!

GS2: We must report back swiftly!

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Headmaster Mune bursts into the school's laundry room and finds Professor Vorpal there.*

Headmaster Mune: Ah, hello Vorpal.

Professor Vorpal: Masa.

Headmaster Mune: I have some wash here. Good thing this school was built over an Indian Laundromat. Only downside is the ghosts.

*Headmaster Mune dumps some clothes into the washing machine and turns it on. Then he looks over and sees a basket of clothes quivering.*

Headmaster Mune: Did you see that?

Professor Vorpal: Er, see what?

Headmaster Mune: A ghost! Hiding in that laundry basket! I'll find it and slay it! (sticks a knife in between his teeth and leaps toward the laundry basket)

Professor Vorpal: I don't think there's anything in there, Masa.

Headmaster Mune: Oh, go drive your ice cream bus.

*Soon the laundry basket is completely empty.*

Headmaster Mune: Wow, the basket is empty. You weren't hiding any ghosts from me, Vorpal. I'm proud of you. In fact, I think I'll reward you.

Professor Vorpal: Really?

Headmaster Mune: Yeah, I'll send your class a used desk.

Professor Vorpal: Okay... thanks.

Headmaster Mune: Well I have to prepare for the BIG GAME. (walks off)

*Vorpal opens the dryer, and Kuria sticks her head out.*

Professor Vorpal: That was close.

Kuria: (takes deep breaths)

*Professor Vorpal and Kuria begin to kiss, but then the door starts to open, and Professor Vorpal quickly shoves her back into the washing machine then closes the lid.*

Headmaster Mune: Who were you talking to?

Professor Vorpal: The janitor.

That Krazy Dude: (materializes from the shadows) How do you do, I am no longer idle.

Headmaster: Yeah, keep doing your job crazy janitor guy. (leaves)

Professor Vorpal: Hey, thanks there Tha- (turns over and notices That Krazy Dude is gone)

*Professor Vorpal opens the dryer, releasing Kuria.*

Kuria: I'm never coming here again. Oh crap, I'm late for my next class. (runs off while Vorpal stays there and stretches, then she runs back) It's YOUR class! (Professor Vorpal runs off as well)

*Soon, That Krazy Dude comes to the bathroom.*

That Krazy Dude: Give me what I want, and I shall pay you in gossip.

*That Krazy Dude whispers into the toilet. A hand then reaches out from the toilet and hands him a model pirate ship-in-a-bottle.*

That Krazy Dude: Swanky Kong. My dream is realized. (disappears)

*Later on, in the girl's room, Sapphire complains.*

Sapphire: Oy, Professor Vorpal failed me on his test again! This really bites.

Elzie: Hey Sapph, the toilet just spit out a note.

Sapphire: (reads without picking it up) "If you want to get back at Professor Vorpal, come to the... boy's bathroom? And bring something of equal or greater value"?

*Sapphire sneaks into the boy's room... actually she just kicks the door open and walks straight to the stall but whatever.*

Golem: S-Sa-Sapphire, what are you doing here?

Sapphire: Answering a note in the toilet.

Golem: Oh, then you should go to that stall.

*Golem and Sapphire enter the stall.*

Sapphire: Tell me, what secrets do you know about this jerk teacher?

*A funnel of water shoots out from the toilet. When the water clears, a man stands there. A deformed mole-like guy.*

Mole Guy: For every question I have an answer; for every problem I have a solution; for every craving I have something to quench it. As long as you don't tell the police.

Author: Masamune

Sapphire: Whatever. I brought a wad of money.

Mole Guy: I don't believe in money. Come back when you have what I want.

Sapphire: But what do you want!?

Mole Guy: It's a long and complicated trading quest. Check the walkthrough or something.

Sapphire: Curses!

Golem: .... so that's what he looks like. Wow....

Sapphire: Has anyone told you your bathroom is like out of a horror movie?

Golem: Thanks! (grins)

~Meanwhile, near St. Ditto's~

Tyler: Huff huff. Gotta... tell... Headmaster...

GM: If I don't make it, it's your fault.

*both of them climb up a hill leading to the road to GHU, but at the top of the hill is DITTO HIMSELF*

Tyler: Oh snap!

Ditto: *steps on their hands* Hello lads. *bites an apple* Going somewhere?

GM: MY HANDS OWWW

Ditto: It appears we have spies.

Hooded Figure: *literally appears from nowhere despite it being a sunny day* Shall I dispose of them, sir?

Ditto: Now now, that would be cruel. I'll let them deliver a message instead. Tell your Headmaster this. *ahem* "You're gonna lose, you're gonna lose! Nah, nah, nah nah!"

GM: Uhh...

Ditto: It's the only language he speaks. *moves feet off their hands* GO!

~Both of them take off~

Ditto: How many spies does it take to deliver a message.

Hooded Figure: At GHU, we'll be lucky if the two of them suffice.

Ditto: .... we may need to send in someone. Giuseppe!

~Giuseppe flies down from the sky~

Ditto: Need you to do some recon there. Your alias is now Luigi64. Punk, all around jerk. Contradict everything. The ultimate rebel. You'll fit in fine.

~Giuseppe transforms into Luigi 64~

Luigi64: Screw you, old man. *walks off towards GHU*

~Elsewhere, in the Gym~

Steve: HUFF! *throws log across the entire gym* I'm awesome.

Flutter: Man, I think you're right about those cheeseburgers.

Big Al: Hey guys, look who I found sneaking around here! *holds Gamechamp up*

Steve: You looking for trouble buddy? You just found it. I've been meaning to pound your face, but your unexpected arrival means you didn't have a place in my schedule.

Gamechamp: Mercy, sirs! I am coming here for your help!

Flutter: Punch him!

Steve: What kind of help?

Gamechamp: I am wanting to become jock of ze awesome sort, yes? I vant to get revenge on Yami.

Big Al: *drops Gamechamp* Oh yeah, I hated that punk when he did nothing. I hate him even more now.

Flutter: I'm fine with it, whaddya say boss?

Steve: ... let's see how good you are with a log.

Author: Luiigii of the Pipes

~Friday, almost the end of school~

~The students are all gathered in the school gym for a pep rally for the Big Game. Professors GORE and Luigi pace in front of the bleachers with semi-automatics, pointing them at anyone who doesn't smile insanely and jump up and down and scream until their lungs turn inside out. Professor Vorpal coaches the cheerleader squad, which consists of the three girls and MJ. Of these, only Kuria takes an interest.~

Headmaster Mune: And now, students, put your hands together for--

Tyler: WAIT! ~punches Headmaster Mune~

Headmaster Mune: Tyler! What's the meaning of this?!

GM: ~takes the podium~ St. Ditto's sent us with a message!

Tyler: Yeah! It was... um...

Headmaster Mune: Yes?

Tyler: Hey, it was a long run, okay?!

Luigi 64: ~walks up~ Yo yo yo, sup. I heard da message, yo. It wuz, "We's be hopin' y'all win, fo shizzle."

Headmaster Mune: Well there ya go!

GM: No, that wasn't-- ~is drowned out by the band~

Headmaster Mune: And now to meet our 2006 Big Game Line-up! As Captain, Frrrrrrrederick von Bisquik!

~Fred runs out, waving and blowing kisses.~

Headmaster Mune: As the only actual useful member of the team, SteveT!

~SteveT runs out and tosses a log into the bleachers, crushing multiple students.~

Headmaster Mune: As people who are only on the team because SteveT is, Big Al and Flutter!

Kuria: Go useless, go useless, go useless peons! Whoo!

Sapphire/Elzie: Whoo.

Headmaster Mune: As someone desperately trying to hide her-- I mean, his identity, Vivid!

Kester: Whoo! Vivid! Equality in sports and stuff like that!

Vivid: I'm not a girl!

Headmaster Mune: And finally, the one, the only...

Golem: ~waiting to run out~ He remembered me!

Headmaster Mune: GAMECHAMP!

~Golem starts to run out, but Gamechamp slams him into the door and goes out instead. He tosses a log that lands on top of SteveT's, crushing those under it even further.~

Yami: Meh, I much dislike these pep rallies. It's all senseless shouting and taking away from academic time.

Professor GORE: ~presses gun to Yami's head~ Say that again.

Yami: As you w--

~Lupus appears and slaps a hand over Yami's mouth. Professor GORE shrugs and walks off.~

Lupus: I don't know why I did that.

Yami: It was kind of homosexual.

Lupus: ~sits down next to Yami~ Look at our little Gamechamp out there, all grown up... ~sniffles~

Yami: Seriously, leave.

~Saturday at last?!~

Headmaster Mune: ~enters Golem's house without knocking or anything~ 6:45 and you're not ready yet?! Where is the inflatable arena?!

Golem: ~blowing up the arena by mouth~ Al...most... done... Head... mas...ter...

Headmaster Mune: Where is the team?!

~Golem accidentally lets go of arena, which sputters around like a balloon, crashes into Headmaster Mune, and probably throws him into the next state considering how big it was.~

Headmaster Mune: BIG GAME GOOOOOERS!

Toby: Hey Golem. I'm almost finished decorating for the party.

Golem: But that's not for another hour! Why couldn't you help me with the Big Game stuff?

Toby: I don't do sports events.

Fred: Hmph.

Golem: Fred! Can you please help me?

Fred: That's the manager's job, you insolent ant. Besides, now I can tell Headmaster Mune all about this party you're having just to rub it in your face. OR I can attend your party to give it even the slightest bit of class. OR I can usurp your party and become the most popular kid in school oh wait I already am plan A it is.

Golem: So that's a no?

Author: GORE-ILLA

Yami Yoshi: I think it's about time I headed out to the library.

*Yami Yoshi walks outside his house and finds his bicycle crushed under a giant tree.*

Yami Yoshi: Who... could have done this?

Gamechamp: (standing right behind Yami Yoshi) Who indeed?

Yami Yoshi: (jumps back) Gamechamp! Shouldn't you be at the BIG GAME!

Gamechamp: Oh, ah'll be thair in taym, mate! And you are coming with!

Yami Yoshi: Oh no, I have to study.

*Gamechamp walks over to the tree and effortlessly lifts it using one hand.*

Gamechump: Sure yeh're not comin', bub?

Yami Yoshi: Alright, alright, just don't damage my mind!

Gamechamp: Arigato matey wui wui. Now coming along, be.

*The opening of the BIG GAME approaches. The people interested in the game walk into Golem's house through the front door, and the inflatable arena is set up right in the opening room, with all the other passages blocked off by stacks of recently-stacked bricks. The Party-Goers enter through the back door and start partying in the back area. Golem starts off in the BIG GAME area. However, through his walkie-talkie he hears stuff breaking from the BIG PARTY side of the house. He's about to head over when Headmaster Mune stops him.*

Headmaster Mune: Wrong way Golem! You don't wanna miss the BIG GAME, do you? Of course not, you're required to attend!

*Headmaster Mune glares as he feels a sudden chill in the air. Ditto McCloaker makes his entrance, seated on a throne that is held up by a team of professional man-servants.*

Headmaster Mune: McCloaker.

Dean McCloaker: Mune.

*So everyone enters the inflatable stadium, which somehow is several times larger than the house it is located in. In the bleachers, Lupus sits and looks on both sides and sees no one to heckle with. Then Yami Yoshi sits down beside him.*

Yami Yoshi: The other seats are taken, just so you know.

Lupus: I'll break you.

*GM and Tyler sit in the high deck seats.*

GM: I knew this wasn't going to work.

Tyler: So some strange disaster have prevented us from talking to anyone associated with the game. Big deal! This is our last chance to warn them.

*A Hooded Figure appears between them.*

Hooded Figure: Oh you won't warn anyone of anything....

*Headmaster Mune and Dean Ditto sit in opera boxes set up on opposite ends of the arena for maximum glarability. Golem sits in the dugout pit for his team.*

Golem: Well this is it. The big game.

Kester: Exciting eh?

Golem: Kester? What are you doing here?

Kester: Just a bit of espionage. By the time this game is over, I'll make sure everyone knows Vivid's a woman!

Golem: Oh man, I gotta sneak outta here. (notices that Headmaster Mune is too busy talking with Rebe to spy on Golem) This may be my chance!

*Golem stealthily swings himself out of the digout, then notices there's a whole stadium of people watching. So he runs in the direction of the bathroom to throw off suspicion. He walks around for a while, wondering what he can do, and then suddenly he gets the idea of climbing through the ventilation shaft. He soon is outside the inflatable arena, unaware that Luigi 64 is watching and following. He heads for the BIG PARTY.*

*In the commentator's box...*

Narrator: Hello, this is I, the Narrator here, to report this year's BIG GAME!!! First we have the masters of freaking spookuy crap, the over-achieving shadow people known as THE ST. DITTO RIIIIIINGERS!!!

*Everyone cheers as the dark creatures emerge.*

Narrator: Look at those students! Did I mention that if they win, the winnings will go on to charity? (Headmaster Mune falls over, clutching his heart when he hears this) And now for those... those... people.... the GAMEHIKER HIGH UNIVERSITY.... GAMEHIKERS!!!

*Fred, Steve T, Big Al, Flutter, Vivid and Gamechamp all rush out vigorously. Fred prances around, leaping several feet into the air. The crowd mostly stays silent. The Gamehiker cheerleaders are there too. Kuria hops all around while saying her cheer, making Vorpal smile, while Sapphire, Elzie and MJ cheer sitting down.*

Narrator: Now... let this game... begin!

*With that, several logs and a pack of hound dogs are released into the arena. The game... begins!*

*Golem quickly rushes to the BIG PARTY, hiding his Gamehiker team badge and switching it a cheesey badge with a party-related quip. He sees the house is already being wrecked.*

Golem: What the hell's going on, Toby?

Toby: (passes by, carrying a clipboard) See? I told you I'd have everything under control.

Golem: My mom's priceless Ming vase! And my dad's priceless Ming sword collection! And my sister's priceless Ming bicycle! Do you have anyt idea what's going on? ...And is that beer?

Toby: Hey! Don't look at me, hey brought it! (points to Professor GORE, who is lying passed out on the piano)

Golem: Wait... that's impossible.

*Golem sees Steve T chugging down a jar of beer while Sapphire cheers him on.*

Steve T: See, the trick to chugging down beer is not having a digestive system...

Golem: What are you guys doing here?

Steve T: We're partying, stupid. (knocks on Golem's head obnoxiously) HELLO HELLO IS ANYBODY IN THERE???!

Sapphire: Yeah, cool party Golem. Especially with the total lack of care for the surrounding environment. That's my kind of party.

Golem: Er, t-t-thanks.

Steve T: I think the foreign guy's done with his pass now, I better get back there in time for me to dunk it. (is gone in a flash)

Sapphire: I can stay a little while longer, MJ's sister is standing in for me.

Golem: (remembers Kester in the dugout, then quickly pulls some of his spare clothes out of his room) That gives me an ingenious idea....

Author: Vorpal

Golem: That gives me an ingenious idea.....

Sapphire: You said that already.

Golem: What?

Sapphire: "That gives me an ingenious idea." You said that twice.

Golem: Did I? *looks at Sapphire who stares back at him* I... don't seem to recall...... what... I.....

Sapphire: If you want to make out with me you better do it now, cause I gotta get back before they notice I'm missing.

Golem: *dazed as he and Saph lean closer and closer to each other* Notice..... I'm.... missin-- *snaps out of it* Headmaster Mune is going to notice I'm gone if I don't get Kester to pretend to be me! *runs*

Sapphire: *has eyes closed and keeps leaning* Golem? *falls*

*Golem runs back to the inflatable arena and sits back in the dugout just as Headmaster Mune turns away from Rebe to look at him*

Mune: You look.... sweaty....

Golem: Do I?! *frantic*

Mune: As if you've been cheering our side on! Good job... for once.

*Ref blows whistle signaling the end of the period*

Mune: *stands up clapping as the team members hustle to the locker room* Good job! Keep it up! Remember: If we win I get a pay raise! *turns to Golem* Get in there and MOTIVATE! We're ahead by an exorbanant amount, and it's only the first period of.... like ten or something... I dunno... but those St. Dittoers have that stupid charity on their side! I don't want our players slacking off and Ditto pulling off some miracle win!

Golem: I'll see what I can do. *looks around frantically for Kester, who is sneaking into the locker room* Kester!

Kester: Uhhh... I'm not doing anything! Just standing! What!? Am I not allowed to stand anymore?

Golem: I need you to dress up like me so Headmaster Mune won't suspect I'm gone so I can make out with Sapphire! Please don't ask me how that all correlates. *passes spare clothes to Kester*

Kester: *aside* Hmm... with unimpeded access to the locker room as the manager, I can finally expose Vivid. Heh... "expose"... I gotta write that one down.

Golem: Thanks. *runs off again*

*Meanwhile on the other side of the arena Luigi 64 whispers something into Ditto's ear*

Author: SteveT

OOC: We interrupt (and ignore) regular continuity for a Very Special Post: MJ's Sappy Drug Problem

_____

Loudspeaker Nerd: Cheerleading practice has begun, but MJ is sitting on the sidelines, dreamily watching the Log-Throwing Team.

Golem: Just because I'm randomly in the hall at school doesn't mean I need to hear about MJ's inner thoughts.

Loudspeaker Nerd: But the exposition!

MJ: *sigh* Why must I be a cheerleader, always rallying support for other people's exploits? I may make the crowd cheer, but they never cheer for me.

???: *taps MJ's shoulder*

MJ: *SIGH*

???: ahem

MJ: *turns around* If you don't mind, I'm busy feeling dejected.

???: I overheard your problem (that Loudspeaker Nerd broadcasted the whole thing). Maybe you should try these.

MJ: A pill bottle? Don't I need a prescription.

???: There's no prescription for these.

MJ: This seems immoral somehow.

???: Just take the freaking pills.

Loudspeaker Nerd: At home, MJ wrestles with the quandry of whether to take the obviously controlled substance.

Professor Luigi: I may be moonlighting a janitor, and only to be with my beloved mop, but do you even have a reason to be in school this time of night? Who are you even talking to?

Loudspeaker Nerd: Luigi's mom--

Luigi: DETENTION!

MJ: *reads bottle* "Popeye Pills" Well, maybe just one won't hurt. *Eats a pill* Hmm, I don't feel any different...wait a second.

Loudspeaker Nerd: MJ's muscles bulge, and his shirt dramatically rips off, but his pants remain completely opaque, albeit slightly tattered.

MJ: I feel so strong, I could throw a tree into orbit!

Loudspeaker Nerd: MJ goes outside and does just that. The next day, in Pikminology.

MJ: I didn't sleep at all last night. I better take one of these pills.

Loudspeaker Nerd: MJ takes a pill and transforms.

Saphire: Have you been listening to these announcements? I think MJ has a drug problem.

Golem: Yes, it's very heart-wrenching.

MJ: *throws a desk across the room* MJ HATE ALGEBRA! *crashes through the wall*

Headmaster Mune: Oh, MJ. That Loudspeaker Nerd was just broadcasting your every move. Strange how he gets fixated on certain people... Anyway, I hear you have drug problem so, I need you to watch some videos, and....

MJ: MJ HATE DRUG EDUCATION

Headmaster Mune: Yes, well, if you could just stay after school and sign a waiver saying that the course WAS offered...

Loudspeaker Nerd: MJ crashes through wall after wall, until he ends up ouside, where the Saphire and the other cheerleaders are skipping class to practice their new routine. Except that it doesn't count as skipping because they're cheerleaders, but if I, for instance, wanted to skip gym to do my math homework...

Saphire: Since when was I a cheerleader? Meh, MJ! We need you to practice that throw.

MJ: MJ THROW SAPHIRE!

Loudspeaker Nerd: And that was how Saphire died. After school, when the pill wore off.

MJ: What have I done? I've destroyed the school and killed some girl I barely know. And I'm STILL not on the log-throwing team. I guess it just goes to show you that drugs really ARE as bad as people say. Show me some videos, Headmaster Mune. I'm ready to learn.

Mune: It'll be ok, MJ...it'll be ok.

THE END

Author: GM

(Golem returns to the BIG PARTY.)

Golem: Okay, the problem's solved! Kester's pretending to be me. I'm ready to make out now!

Toby: I'm flattered, but you're not my type.

Golem: Very funny. Where's Sapphire?

Toby: Weren't you paying attention? MJ got hooked on pills and threw her. Now she's dead.

Golem: But that last post wasn't in continuity!

Toby: Or was it?

Golem: It wasn't.

Toby: Then she must have gone back to the field or something.

Golem: Ah, nuts!

(Golem runs back out of the BIG PARTY. Once he does, Sapphie steps out of the bathroom.)

Sapphire: Was that Golem?

Toby: ...Oops.
__________

(In the locker room, Kester finished dressing up in Golem's clothing. To disguise his face, he wore a brown paper bag with Golem's face drawn on the front over his head.)

Kester: Now to find Vivid and expose her true gender in front of everyone and against her will! Man, I'm being a dick. It's just like in X-Files!
__________

Mulder: Woman! Get in here and make me a sandwich!
__________

Kester: Which makes it okay!

(Headmaster Mune literally slides in.)

Headmaster Mune: Ah, there you are! We need you... What's wrong with your head.

Kester: Uh... I have a rare skin condition. At random times, my head deforms to look like a paper bag.

Headmaster Mune: Oh, I know how you feel. I have this rare mental disorder that causes me to scream "Party Goers" any time I'm upset. Anyway, we need you on the field now! The next round is starting, and we're playing Pogs! You're going to go out there, and you're going to win so I can take credit for it and brag about it in Ditto's face! Now go, go, go!

(Headmaster Mune pushes Kester onto the field. By push, I mean Headmaster Mune kicks him into the door and he falls onto the field flat on his bag face.)

Kester: I can do this. This is just like in X-Fi-

(Then Kester is crushed by a giant log.)

Headmaster Mune: Oh. I guess they're still throwing logs. Silly me. Oh crap, the flashback is starting anyway!
__________

Mulder: Which makes it okay!

(Scully literally slides in.)

Scully: Ah, there you are! We need you... What's wrong with your head.

Mulder: Uh... I have a rare skin condition. At random times, my head deforms to look like a paper bag.

Scully: Oh, I know how you feel. I have this rare mental disorder that causes me to scream "Lone Gunmen" any time I'm upset. Anyway, we need you on the field now! The next round is starting, and we're playing Pogs! You're going to go out there, and you're going to win so I can take credit for it and brag about it in Cigarette Smoking Man's face! Now go, go, go!

(Scully pushes Mulder onto the field. By push, I mean Scully kicks him into the door and he falls onto the field flat on his bag face.)

Mulder: I can do this. This is just like in Unsolved Myste-

(Then Mulder is crushed by a giant log.)

Scully: Oh. I guess they're still throwing logs. Silly me. Oh crap, the flashback is starting anyway!
__________

(Meanwhile...)

GM: Look, the "S" in "Isley" is silent, like the word "island". It's actually pronounced eye-lee.

Hooded Figure: Are you retarded or something? The "S" is not silent, and it's pronounced eyes-lee!

Tyler: Maybe it's pronounced is-lay?

GM: No, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Hooded Figure: And I'm pretty sure you're retarded.

GM: Resorting to insults, big man? Or woman? What are you again?

Hooded Figure: Oh, shut up and don't warn anybody!

Tyler: I can't even remember what we're suppose to warn about... Hey, look at that! Some guy with a bag over his head got crushed by a log!

GM/Hooded Figure: Sweet.
__________

(Golem returns to the BIG GAME.)

Golem: Where is he? Is he on the field? Where's Sapphire?

Headmaster Mune: Who are you talking to?

Golem: Myself.

Headmaster Mune: Wait, didn't you just get hospitalized by a log? And your head got better already?

Golem: I-

Headmaster Mune: IMPOSTER!!! You're a spy sent by Ditto to sabatoge me, aren't you! AREN'T YOU! He thinks I can't sabotage my team myself! He's just like my dad! Well, he's right, because that would be stupid. HALL MONITORS!!!

(Nothing happened.)

Headmaster Mune: I said, HALL MONITORS!

(Again, nothing happens.)

Golem: Maybe you left them back at the school.

Headmaster Mune: I could have sworn I brought them with me.

Golem: Maybe they faded out of the story again.

Headmaster Mune: They have a habit of doing that, yes...

Ditto: *leans in* You have Daleks, right? That's nothing! My school hall monitors are all the different versions of the Doctor.

Golem: Well, I'll be going now...

Headmaster Mune: Oh no you don't! The only thing you'll be going to is that log over there so you can throw it so far it will impale a Spartan who just found Pandora's Box!

Golem: ...What?

Author: Kester

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