Gamehiker Member OG 9 Page 2
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Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
Senor Burro: I sense others in trouble!
Vorpal: Hey... bring us too!
Masamune: Oh come on Vorpal!
Vorpal: Maybe the person causing trouble is Luiigii! This is a potential lead.
Misty: Let's just shut up and move this plot already.
*On the moon, GORE, Master Yoshi and Ronnie are led to Tomnis's throne room.*
Tomnis: You obviously are skilled assassins sent by Big Bull.
GORE: N-
Tomnis: You should know that here, we don't spare the messengers! I will be lenient, however; the child is young so I shall relocate him. Take him to the care of Akarui Rex, my loyal follower.
*A minion grabs Ronnie and takes him away.*
GORE: Come on. I just came here for my wife! (Rebe is still unconscious and slung over his back)
Tomnis: Shut up! I'd tell you to warn the Big Bull his days ruling the Earth are numbers, but I don't feel that charitable! Instead you shall suffer the fate of all assassinators- death by Black Hole!
*Tomnis presses a button, and a pit appears in the center of the room.*
Master: Wait a second, sonny! Don't we get a damned trial?!
Tomnis: No.
GORE: This is madness!
Tomnis: This... is... ANTI-SPACE!
*Tomnis leaps forward and kicks GORE and Master Yoshi at the same time, sending them tumbling backwards into the pit.*
Tomnis: ... (starts filing nails)
*Suddenly a crash is heard. Senor Burro leaps in with Wariofan63 and all the OGers.*
Tomnis: Intruders! Get the intruders!
Senor Burro: (to the OGers) Hold them off! I'll go save the victims!
*Senor Burro leaps into the pit which leads into a black hole.*
Golem: He must be mad!
Sapphire: Or brave...
Author: Golem[edit]
OoC: I didn't quite get who Tomnis was ordering to get the intruders, so I just made stuff up. Yell if I missed something !!
Tomnis: Ah, my bouncers are here!
~Rexes enter the room at a steady pace while Tomnis picks up an accoustic guitar and plays some good ol' country music.~
Masamune: ~heading for the door~ We've got to get out of here!
Vorpal: But Senor Burro said...!
Masamune: Forget him!
Vorpal: I bet you don't like him just because he looks like YOU-KNOW-WHO!
~Rexes keep coming in. The other OGers do their best to hold them off.~
Masamune: Pfft! He just... he smells!
Vorpal: Get over it! Donkeyman wasn't so bad anyway! I would've been glad if I had a TV show, you ingrate!
~The rexes keep coming in. Vorpal and Masamune now stab blindly behind themselves to stave off Rexes as they continue their conversation.~
Masamune: Ingrate?! That TV show was a working of evil!
Vorpal: You don't like TV now? You commie!
Masamune: I am NOT a commie!
Vorpal: Are too!
Masamune: Are not!
Vorpal: Are too!
Masamune: Are not!
Vorpal: Are too!
Masamune: Are not!
Random Rex: Are too!
Vorpal: ...I didn't get rid of you?
Rex: Well, not really...
Vorpal: Oh, sorry. ~kicks Rex down the pit~ Are too!
~Down in the pit...
GORE, Master Yoshi, and Senor Burro face off against a fierce, oversized Rex.~
Senor Burro: ~huff, puff~ This beast must be two Blades tall!
~Wariofan63 lands on the Rex, squishing it.~
Senor Burro: Make that one Blade tall!
Author: Masamune[edit]
Masamune: Well we made it out.
Vorpal: Yes, but we abandoned the others in doing so.
Masamune: Really though, is that a BAD thing?
Vorpal: Wait, what?
Masamune: We're in ANTI-SPACE. This is our big chance, man! Remember what we talked about oh so long ago?
Flashback
SteveT: Good. Our bond wasn't broken.
Vorpal: Of course not. We're only the best villain team ever.
Masamune: Just wait until next OG. We'll make their heads spin.
Vorpal: My God. I got so wrapped up in that pizza time twist thing that I lost my brain cells containing that memory.
Masamune: I think it's time for... PLOT CONTINUITY. Quick! Get out your decoder watch!
~both of them pull out their decoder rings and put in "REMEMBER TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE"~
~Just then, SteveT drives up a in a sweet-ass 1973 Tercel made of Mariorocks bones and skulls~
SteveT: You rubes finally used the decoder rings. Why?
Masamune: ... because we're taking over Anti-Space... and only Senor Burro and the other OGers stand in our way.
Vorpal: Hey! Hey! Let's kidnap Misty!
SteveT: ... why? Only you care about her. Nobody else will miss her.
Vorpal: Hmph. Fine, what's YOUR plan?
Masamune: We start by kidnapping the leader of the Free World. Fidelity Castro.
~Meanwhile~
GORE: We did it!
Master Yoshi: We won!
Golem, Sapphire, Misty, and Director: We're also here, somehow!
Senor Burro: The true villains have got away, but we live to fight another day. Thanks you, kind strangers. Alas, since the death of my good friend Pastor Waluigi 64, there have been far fewer people in this world capable of good.
Golem: Are you the only superhero left?
Senor Burro: There are still a few who remains... But there's too few of us left. In fact, it's been awhile since I heard from TeevC...
Sapphire: Wait! You know who TeevC is!?
Senor Burro: Of course. He's a suit of armor who was built without a heart, but was so cruel that his creators had to fashion one for him. There's no greater friend than him.
Misty: When did you last hear from him?
Senor Burro: Well...
GORE-ILLA[edit]
Senor Burro: I will have to show you to the Guru. He will explain everything. To the Burrocopter!
*The OGers all somehow fit into the small helicopter, which takes them to a cave in the middle of the desert.*
Sapphire: I thought Ditto was the Guru... or Vorpal.
Senor Burro: Those names are foreign to me. Follow me... miss.
*Senor Burro and Sapphire look into each other's eyes for a moment.*
Golem: Back off, you Midsummer Nightmare!
Sapphire: Hey! He's a REAL hero, Golem.
Golem: For the last time, my P-Watch broke!
Master Yoshi: Simmer down now, children. Simmer down.
Camera: No, wait, keep going, this is just getting good!
Director: You keep filming, bud, and I'll keep directing!
Misty: ...Where did Vorpal go? HE BETTER NOT BE LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE ANTI-FLOOZIES!
GORE: (guttural noises)
Senor Burro: Shut up! Now that you've all had your token lines, please follow me!
*They all enter the cave and find an old man with green hair and beard.*
Senor Burro: Behold... Repus the Turk!
Repus: Hello one and all. I am the Barksage, Repus. I have learned many tales and know much of you children of destiny.
GORE: What is this, a good Lupus?
Repus: Ah! So that is what he calls himself now. Let me tell you all the story of Lupus and my pasts which has nothing to do with this story and will probably just confuse you all but I think it's a cool background story. Back then, they called me Sophnit...
Golem: Yeah baby! Give me some more MOG references, man!
*In R-Space, Yami's body rolls in its grave.*
Repus: Centuries ago, us gems were brought to life mysteriously. I, Sophnit, was crafted in R-Space, while Saphnit, whom you know as Lupus, came from Anti-Space. Both of us traveled the universe in search of wisdom. Eventually we met at the Gap Between Dimensions and found common interests in each other. We became fast friends. But that would not last.
Golem: Suspenseful, suspenseful. I'll give them that.
Repus: The beings inhabiting ZOOM came to us and appointed us guardians of the realm. This apparently was our true purpose. They granted us great power in order to protect this heaven-type place. It is there where our paths parted. I chose the power of cheese, while he chose the power of creation. Saphnit became obsessed with domination. He used his power to create a new race of beings he called incorporals, and sent them out to conquer my home universe of R-Space first. I had to act. I used the power of cheddarnite to seal away the incorporals and then to strike down my former friend.
GORE: This really has nothing to do with this series.
Repus: I thought he was dead at that point, but he survived, in his natural form, and landed on R-Space's Earth. But his mind was scattered in the meantime. He started blindly searching for ZOOM to become a Cheese God, and any method of obtaining cheese-based power. As for me, I exiled myself to Anti-Space in an attempt to balance this chaotic universe. But in case Saphnit rose again, I left behind a piece of myself in R-Space with my old friend Jargon to hand down his family life- known as Sophnito. How do you like it? I personally think this origin story would be a lot cooler if Lupus was Sephnit instead of Saphnit but-
Sapphire: Shut up and tell us how to beat the bad guys.
Repus: (sighs)
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
Repus: What bad guys?
Golem: Well, there's Tomnis for one.
Sapphire: Who was, y'know, in the room when we left and we just walked past him.
Director: Yeah but he gave us cookies.
GORE: And HOLY CRAP WHERE'S RONNIE?!
Master Yoshi: You idiot! You lost my grandson!
GORE: No, they took him to Akarui Rex, remember? I was just trying to add drama.
Golem: Oh, and Luiigii.
Misty: Seriously, what is that guy's malfunction?
***
Baby Luiigii: Goo! *pukes on Loogi's head*
Loogi: It's your turn to carry him.
gor-killa: No.
Loogi: Some day I hope YOU have a baby to pester you constantly so that I can say no!
Narrator: And well wouldn't-cha know it? A warp pipe rises from the ground and Akarui Rex sticks his head through, that suave white Rex with the lame sunglasses and hawaiian shirt, an' that li'l pup Ronnie clingin' to his big ol' nose! Ronnie spots that ol' gor-killa and jumps onto his back like a bull-ridin' COWBOY YEE HAW! YEE HAW! YEE--
gor-killa: *punches out the Narrator* Eh wot!
Ronnie: Papa GORE!
Loogi: Haaaa! Ha!
gor-killa: I hate you, my good man.
Narrator: Err...so them bad guys, well, they kept on walkin'... Cause-a walkin's what they dooooo! And that big ol' Akarui Rex, he weren't none happy 'bout that! Oh no siree!
Akarui Rex: Give me back that boy! This is MY quality bonding time with him in a random dirty sewer on a random planet! Err...um...oh fitshuck, I'm stuck!
Narrator: That's the spirit, boy! Cause-a rhymin's what we dooooooo!
Akarui Rex: Shut up.
***
Repus: There is but one way to best Tomnis. You, Senor Burro, must defeat him in a game... OF AVERAGE TALK-IT-OUT SISTERS TEATIME! *holds up a video game*
Senor Burro: The best-selling sequel to Average Talk-It-Out Sisters Slumberparty! But that got delayed two whole months!
Repus: Or did it...mwa ha ha! *opens the game case to reveal...THE GAME!*
Director: Wait, so Anti-Space doesn't have Super Smash Bros.?! Truly this is the land of Hell! Unless Eggplant Man is in it.
Repus: Actually, they put Miss Gotchawrench in. Surprised me too.
Director: NOOOOOOOOO!
Camera: Aaaaaand cut!
Director: Stop saying that!
GORE: This isn't helping me save Ronnie guys.
Golem: *mesmerized by ATST* Soooo?
Repus: The game is only six player, though. You'll have to go alone, Senor. With four of your friends. Alone.
Senor Burro: I take my trusted left-hand man WarioFan63!
Master Yoshi: I'll go. I'm sick of following this ape around.
Director: I will fite 4 u GORE! You have my megaphone!
Sapphire: Hey, I'll go with GORE too.
GORE: So I have your parasol? *nudge nudge*
Sapphire: ...no.
GORE: Aww...
Misty: I should be looking for Vorpal, but, eh, this game looks fun.
Senor Burro: Awesome. Now that we have our official Odd Couple pairings with Golem and Misty, Director and Sapphire, let us set off! To the Burrocopter!
GORE: What about me and Rebe?
Rebe: I am awake and horrified.
Author: Masamune[edit]
Fidelity Castro: My. This garden of mine is so not made of the radical rebels who tried to overthrow me.
~three figures swoop in, jumping off a flying submarine in the shape of a Oscar Meyer Weiner~
Masamune: MAYBE NOT! BUT IT WILL BE NOW!
Vorpal: *stares at Masamune* What?
Fidelity Castro: So you are saying you will lose and I will bury you here?
Masamune: .... No! I mean... Your reign of benevolence has come to an end, Castro!
Fidelity Castro: *smirks* Oh you supervillains. You try to takeover every other day and still you think I can be defeated by a ragtag of villains with an unconvincing weapon of mass destruction... why?
Steve: Oh. Well mostly because we hate you.
Fidelity Castro: *smile* I see. Well then, I suppose there's nothing for it then. PUDDZORS!
~just as suddenly as this sentence is written, two black pudding monsters form alongside Castro~
Masamune: Aww hell no. Just one of those things gave us trouble in the last story!
Steve: I'm STILL scraping hardened pudding out of my insides!
Vorpal: It's just pudding guys! Remember... according to the pastry triangle, all we need is-
~one of the Puddzors shoots out an arm and fills Vorpal's mouth with tasty sweet goodness~
Vorpal: GLUG!
Masamune: Glug. Hmm. What make you of it, Steve?
~Vorpal thrashes wildly as he tries to get air~
Steve: Not sure at all, Masamune. Perhaps it might be that Vorpal refers to a brand of Soda native to this world?
Masamune: I say, that is quite possible, Steve. What say you of it, Vorpal?
~has pudding coming out of his tear ducts~
Steve: I think he agrees.
Masamune: *points menacingly at Castro* KNOW THIS DOER OF GOOD... WE WILL RETURN WITH GLUG AND YOUR VICTORY WILL BE AS SHORT-LIVED AS YOUR WIMPY LITTLE GARDEN TREES!
Fidelity Castro: But they are bonsai trees with a lifespan of a thousand years.
Masamune: ... *kicks one over* Not anymore! Ha!
Fidelity Castro: That was a lawn gnome.
Masamune: *ghhk* *redfaced* COME ON VORPAL AND STEVE. WE'RE LEAVING.
~Steve and Masamune grab Vorpal by either arm and start dragging him away as the Puddzor begins to lose its grip on him~
---Elsewhiles, in an unfortunate new subplot---
~Lupus and Fred appear alongside a road. They are walking aimlessly until Fred happens upon a coin. Lupus looks at Fred with disinterest as Fred picks up the coin and flips it~
Fred: Heads. *flips it* Heads. *flips it* Heads. *flips it* Heads. *flips it* Heads. *flips it* Heads. *flips it* Heads. *flips it* .... Heads. *flips it* I win. *flips it* Again... *flips it* Heads. *flips it* Heads. 78 in a row. A new record, I imagine.
Lupus: Is that what you imagine? A new record?
Fred: Well...
Lupus: No questions? Not a flicker of doubt?
Fred: I could be wrong.
Lupus: Consider: One, probability is a facter which operates *within* natural forces. Two, probability is *not* operating as a factor. Three, we are now held within un-, sub- or super-natural forces. Discuss.
Fred: What?
Lupus: *sighs* Where are we?
Fred: I'm not sure. We just started here. I'm not sure why.
Lupus: We were summoned here.
Fred: Were we?
Lupus: Weren't we?
Fred: Ah. Hm.
Lupus: I think I have it. A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself.
Fred: Or just as mad.
Lupus: Or just as mad.
Fred: And he does both.
Lupus: So there you are.
Fred: Stark raving sane.
Lupus: What's your name?
Fred: ... Lupus?
Lupus: You've forgotten again, haven't you?
Fred: *pause* Fred?
Lupus: *groan* We're in a forest. We don't know why... and we can't seem to remember our names. You can't, in any case. All we know is we were summoned.
Fred: Right.
Lupus: And why?
Fred: Perhaps we've been scripted in. It is an OG.
Lupus: *groan* No. Come on, then.
Fred: Where to?
Lupus: Wherever this road goes.
Fred: Oh. Right then.
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
Rebe: What do you mean you just spontaneously married us?
GORE: Well, y'know, Ronnie needs a mother! Think of the children!
Rebe: He's a Yoshi! He comes from an egg! Egg-bearing creatures don't even rear their young!
GORE: What about platypuseses!
Rebe: No they...oh, hmm. Got me there. But no! That's stupid! I wasn't even awake!
GORE: Hey, lady. You should be thankful. You're no spring chicken anymore, and I'm probably the best you can get!
Rebe: What. The. Hell.
Sapphire: Are you two going to shut up anytime soon? Not being here is almost worth suffering MY husband.
Director: Where are we even going? Are we still on the moon?
GORE: It's the noom, you n00b! Now, if I were Akarui Rex, which I'm not, and I've never even heard of the guy but why should that stop me from thinking like him, right? But if I were Akarui Rex, I would take Ronnie tooooooooo... Disney World! Oh, but Akarui Rex is from Anti-Space. He might even be my doppelganger! So he probably took Ronnie to a dank and dirty sewer on some god-forsaken planet, probably run by slimy aliens who are obsessed with...ugh...pizza.
Rebe: I hate you so much.
GORE: Uh huh, love you too dear. You know, it would really help if we had an Anti-Spacer here, so I could shout "QUICK! Where is the planet Ratuhsu?! Which is Ushutar backwards, get it? Ha ha!" And then we'd be there in a fancy screen fade sorta way.
Director: Oh, I can help there. ~screen fade~
~The scene reopens with the group tied up and suspended over an active volcano.~
Director: What? Not what you had in mind?
Witch Doctor: ~rips Director's heart out~
Director: GEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH! Hey. I'm an eggplant. I don't have a heart. How dare you confuse me with some kind of...artichoke!
Witch Doctor: My bad. ~puts it back~
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*Sapphire, GORE, Rebe, Director, and Camera are all suspended above the lava while the Witch Doctor oversees this.*
Sapphire: Why exactly did we follow your directions?
Director: I'm the Director! Directing is what I'm supposed to do!
GORE: No, you're supposed to make sandwiches for her wife so she doesn't die of starvation while making sandwiches for me!
Rebe: I'm not making any sandwiches for anyone! ...But Director is free to make sandwiches for me if he pleases.
Camera: Romantic tension. Riveting!
Witch Doctor: Silence! You foolish humans have trespassed on our holy planet Xatnys!
Sapphire: Who cares?
Witch Doctor: I do! Now you will all die by being lowered into what looks like lava, but is actually a portal to another universe's version of our planet.
Director: Cool! We get to go home!
Witch Doctor: Incidentally the portal opens up above a real volcano!
Director: I retract my statement.
GORE: That's what she said! Whooooo! Come on Rebe, whoo with me!
*Rebe manages to swing back and forth and uses her momentum to kick GORE in the face.*
Witch Doctor: Do I kill you now, or after Scrabble?
Sapphire: How about after you untie us?
Witch Doctor: No deal! Instead, I'lls hoot your friend with magic bullet!
*Elsewhere, in Anti-Cuba...*
Masamune: (shot by Witch Doctor) AUGH
*Back at Xatnys...*
Witch Doctor: Now, you all die! All for our leader, Zeta Affirmative, previous wielder of the Vorpal Sword!
*The Witch Doctor fires spikes from his nose which cut the ropes and cause them all to begin falling.*
Camera: Time to go into air dolly mode! (produces hang glider-like thingy and glides to safety) Only room for one!
Director: Curse you, Cousin Dolly Grip!
GORE: Wait, that reminds me, I have jets in my feet!
*GORE activates his jet feet and flies up while Sapphire, Rebe and Director cling to him. They soon land outside on the rim of the volcano.*
Sapphire: Stupid ape! Could you have flown a bit slower? You made me drop one of my boots into that stupid portal!
GORE: Well sooorry Ms. Perfect-Boot-Wearing-Golem-Wife Person! Rebe, engage her in a sexy catfight to prove I'm better than Golem.
Rebe: ...
GORE: No! You're becoming her! Quick, someone get me an exorcist.
Witch Doctor: I'm a witch doctor, does that count?
*In the meantime, training continues aboard the Burrocopter.*
Repus: For the next step of your training, you must recite several Selected Poems of Langston Hughes.
Senor Burro: I put my ticket in the raffle of the night. Somehow that raffle Didn't turn out right.
I lost my nickel.
I lost my time.
I got back home.
Without a dime.
When I dropped that nickel
In the subway slot,
I wouldn't have dropped it,
Knowing what I got.
I could just as well've
Stayed home inside:
My bread wasn't buttered
On neither side.
Wariofan: (wipes tear from eye) That was so beautiful!
Golem: (grans Wariofan by collar) I'm a major character, and don't you forget it!
Misty: Stop it! This casual helicopter ride is turning us into monsters!
Master Yoshi: Look up the one that says "Hold fast to dreams," it's driving me mad!
*At Tomnis HQ.*
Random Background Minion: Siiir, we have a reported Burrocopter sighting. Departing from the home of the old crackpot according to the reports supported by our crack team of crack heads from the Great Crack of Georgia.
Tomnis: Interesting. Activate our Repus-Seeking Missiles!
*Back at the Burrocopter*
Senor Burro: Some pimps wear summer hats-
*Loud explosion.*
Wariofan: (he's the one piloting just so you know) Boss, weesa's losing the altitude!
Repus: By George, altitude is the only thing preventing us from crashing into the ground!
Golem: What are we gonna do? Instead of dying next to my glamorous wife, I'll die in the helicopter of the man who's the exact opposite of the man my wife's medieval counterpart rejected! That's the exact opposite of the way I had planned to die!
Misty: Vorpal, saaaave us!
Repus: Come, children. Let us focus our auras (I get bonus points for every person I invite to focus their auras!)
Master Yoshi: Does not compute.
*Back at Xatnys, Galaxy Hikers eat the Witch Doctor's cooked remains. GORE approaches Rebe.*
Rebe: What now? Can't you just leave me alone and go back to eating that creature's spleen?
*GORE holds out a sandwich cut into the shape of a heart.*
GORE: It's for you. A lovewich.
Rebe: Hm... (begins to bit into it) This isn't... too bad.
GORE: Really? I was going to make it from his meat, but I decided to go for the genuine "love" taste and so made the sandwich from his heart.
*Rebe begins to upchuck what she ate, but forces herself to continue chewing and swallowing the remains.*
Rebe: That was... quite nice... I don't think I caught your name.
GORE: GORE-ILLA. Pablo GORE-ILLA.
Author: Masamune[edit]
~Meanwhile in another plot that nobody cares about because Steve and Vorpal have sucky authors...~
Masamune: Why do I keep getting shot!?
Vorpal: Because it's funny.
Masamune: GOD! If it wasn't for the fact that I knew this would heal eventually, I'd be really ticked off!
Steve: Well we can't carry your carcass around.
Vorpal: We could get some crutches....
Steve: Or... we could do what we talked about.
Vorpal: The complete and utter power that would result in that would no doubt... well, propel us into the primary antagonist role.'
Steve: Then it's settled. Masamune... dispose of your body!
Masamune: Oh for cryin' out loud. *sighs and falls on his own sword* Ow. This really hurts.
~after a few seconds, Masamune begins to fade away~
Masamune: Ungh...Vorpal. Misty is your... *fades into nothingness, leaving only the Masamune sword*
Vorpal: My what!? MY WHAT! My sister!? My cousin!? My former roommate's cousin's dentist's uncle's neighbor's daughter!?
Steve: Who knows. Who knows. You know what to do now. Just a tic, here.... *removes visor from helmet, carefully reaches his hand in, and taps his inside. He immediately falls apart into a stack of armor*
Vorpal: Ugh. Being the only real human sucks sometimes... *picks up Steve's helmet* To Steve or not to Steve. That is the question.
~ELSEWHILES!!!! at Xatnys~
Sapphire: Oh for crying out loud. You're not actually interested in him!
Rebe: What? He's just trying to be nice.
Sapphire: *rolls eyes* First Masamune, then Luiigii, now GORE-ILLA. Who next? Gonna go after Vorpal? Golem? DONKEYMAN?
Rebe: Hey! You take that back!
GORE-ILLA: Caaaaat fiiiiight
Sapphire: I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little stressed from being in an alternate dimension and Golem gallivanting off with the counterpart of the monster that my medieval counterpart rejected.
Rebe: I know how you feel.
GORE-ILLA: Nooooooo
Camera: Nooooooo
Director: *walks back with space helmets* Hey! Look what I found! Maybe we can fly in space!
Sapphire: That's stupid. Even with helmets on, the vacuum of space would rip our limbs off.
Camera: Only for you stupid fleshlings!
GORE-ILLA: I'll be fine too. *puts on space helmet* I'm totally rad!
Director: See!? They think it's a good idea! What do you think, other chick?
Rebe: It's suicide.
Director: Well it's three to two! We're taking space helmets into space!
Sapphire: One of them is your camera! That's not fair!
Camera: I resent that. Fleshling. Who is hawt. Show me some more anger. Yeeeeeeeeah.
Author: Director[edit]
* Director GORE and Camera fly off into Space while Rebe and Sapphire stand, dumbfounded*
Sapphire: Is it too late to go home.
Camera: ACTION! I LOVE IT!
*camera deploys a net onto Sapphire and Rebe lifting them up*
Director: I have an idea.
*Two minutes later everyone winds up at Critic Critiques*
Director: Welcome to Director Studios.
Sapphire: This isn't your lame production company.
Rebe: It says Critic Critiques.
Camera & GORE: CAAAAAT FIIIIIGHT
Rebe: Knock it off.
Director: Hey. Hey.
Hey.
This is anti space.
This could be my anti studio whatever lets go inside.
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
Critic: ~sits in the back of the room and taps a pencil on his desk~ Well well. Director. I was wondering how long it would be until you found me.
Director: A yam! My most mortal of enemies!
Critic: More than you know... You don't recognize me, do you?
Director: I just did! You're a yam!
Critic: I am... THE CRITIC!
Director: ...oh?
Critic: Remember that one movie you directed? IT? I gave it a 2 out of 5!
Director: What?! But that was a classic!
Critic: ALIEN? .5 out of 5! Make War, Not Pixels? Let's just say, even though you haven't finished it yet, it's been getting some VERY NEGATIVE PREVIEWS on this side of reality.
Director: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Camera: Raw passion!
GORE: Hey shut up. Are you a yam?
Critic: I yam what I yam.
Sapphire: I hate him already.
GORE: And from Anti-Space. Yam! Where is the planet Ratuhsu!? ~points dramatically~
Critic: That planet doesn't exist. I know. If you're thinking of Ushutar...
GORE: No, WE have Ushutar. Unless you guys ripped us off! God, have some dimensional pride!
Critic: Have you SEEN my dimension? I don't think anyone could rate it pleasantly.
Rebe: It's not that bad when you get past the fact that you've been dragged here against your will, married to a robotic gorilla also against your will, and suspended over an active volcano, yes, against your will.
ATTENTION PUNY WORMS! THIS IS EMPEROR MONTEVIDEO OF THE USHATARIAN ARMADA SPEAKING!
~Everyone runs outside to see an Ushatarian fleet hovering over the studio.~
Montevideo: WE ARE OFFICIALLY TAKING OVER THIS...PLANETOID...IN THE NAMES OF HIGHER EMPERORS LOOGI AND gor-killa!
GORE: gor-killa? What kind of lame name is that?
Sapphire: Hey, isn't Loogi that one guy who looks like Luiigii?
GORE: You're right. We should totally go up there and kick his ass.
Sapphire/Rebe: What?!
Camera: Caaaat... *is punched by both*
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
OoC: Look Ma, I'm bored!
---
~A second salvo of missiles rockets toward the already plummeting Burrocopter. As they scream for dear life, a metallic figure bursts from the clouds and soars toward one of the missiles.~
TeevC: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
~TeevC grabs onto the missile and starts hugging it. The missile becomes uncomfortable and tries to shake him off, but in doing so it alters its own trajectory and crashes into the other missiles, setting off an explosion. TeevC rockets from the wreckage and lands in the Burrocopter.~
TeevC: Hello best friends!
Senor Burro: Ah, Teev! You've arrived just in time! Let us unite our powers to reach the moon!
~Senor Burro takes TeevC's arms and puts them on his own. He and TeevC leap onto the roof of the Burrocopter, kick off the old propeller, and then start doing some funky break dancing, the likes of which cause their gyrating limbs to act as a new propeller. Within moments they are back in front of Tomnis's palace.~
Golem: What's the plan, then? Do we just rush in or--
Misty: Hell yes! If my Vorpie's still in there we have to! Surely he's not just goofing off with that other sword guy, what's-his-face.
Master Yoshi: You kids just hurry up, dagnabit. This dimension's been giving me hives.
Golem: Thanks...for...
Misty: ...sharing.
Golem: Whoa! You just finished my sentence!
Misty: ...I did? Oh.
~Awkward silence.~
Misty: LET'S DO THIS!
~Golem nods excitedly, closes his eyes, and leans forward for a kiss. After a minute he looks up and sees everyone else running inside.~
Golem: o.o Um...at least Sapphire doesn't know! ~tee hee~
~As Golem runs inside, Big Bull and Fluutar peek around the Burrocopter, the former closing his cell phone camera.~
Big Bull: Yet, shrimp. Heh heh heh...
~Tomnis yawns as the group runs in.~
Tomnis: Again? You just can't give up, can you Burr--
Wagolem: NOT SO FAST TOMMY BOY! ~bursts in with Staphlycoccus and Disco Vorp~ I'll be doing the killin' here!
Disco Vorp: Hold on. None of these posers are Vorpal! You set me up!
Wagolem: Better cool it, Blade. You haven't seen the nifty toy ol' Antithesis gave me yet.
Misty: Vorpie! ~runs up and leaps into Disco Vorp's arms~
Disco Vorp: Hey toots, cool it!
Tomnis: This is highly--
Wagolem: Shove it. Bring it in, Ookii!
~Ookii bursts through the door carrying a newsstand, which she sets down in front of Wagolem. Wagolem presses a button on the side, and it shrinks down into a mechanical eraser. Tomnis begins to speak again, but Wagolem jumps over to him and erases his mouth.~
Wagolem: Nice, eh? I call it the TASTE. Time and Space-Transcending Eraser. It's a pain to lug around, though. ~erases the rest of Tomnis~
Golem: ~looks at the TASTS~ ...I like his better. Hey Wa-me! Wanna trade?
Wagolem: Why trade when I can just erase you and take both?
Golem: Good point. Why trade when I can just go back in time, impersonate you, and get yours from Antithesis.
Wagolem: Oh, but why trade when I can erase yours before you can do that!
Golem: And why trade if I can just--
Staphlycoccus: SHUT UP ALREADY! Just kill 'em Wags!
Wagolem: With pleasure!
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*Fidelity Castro is still in his garden, watering some plants. He stops to pet a Puddzor.*
Fidelity: All is peaceful. All is keen. That is the way.
*Suddenly a crying Puddzor skids past Fidelity and the first Puddzor, continuing to whimper as it dissolves into a puddle.*
Fidelity: What? What is the meaning of this distinct lack of peace?
*Suddenly a figure is seen rushing forward through the garden. Garbed from head to toe in medeval armor. The helmet thingy is up to show his determined face and visor. He duel wields two deadly looking swords, which he uses to chop down trees, statues and Puddzors as he passes them along with other random mayhem. He swiftly closes in on Fidelity.*
Stevorpamune: We don't take shit from nobody no more!
*The last Puddzor leaps in between Stevorpamune and Fidelity Castro.*
Puddzor: Do what you want to me. Just do not harm the mas-
*Stevorpamune impales the Puddzor with both swords at the same time and lifts it above his head without even pausing his run. Finally Stevorpamune skids to a halt in front of Fidelity and then licks some chocolate off of his swords, which now resembled dual chocolate ice pops.*
Stevorpamune: May we kidnap you now?
Fidelity: (sighs) Fine. (climbs onto Stevorpamune's shoulders, and Stevorpamune starts to rush off) Wheee!
***
*Wagolem unleashes an inhuman screech and tackles Golem over onto the ground. Golem attempts to hold Wagolem back while Wagolem inches the TASTE towards Golem's face. Golem winces and pulls his face back as much as he can.*
Master Yoshi: This whole blasted training was pointless! (tackled by Ooki) Is that you, Miriam? I'll pay my child support, don't you worry!
*Staphylcoccus and Misty roll along the floor wrestling. Light years away, Camera, GORE and Director double over in pain.*
Senor Burro: Stand down, vile Vorpster! Your deeds will not bring you proper compensation in the afterlife!
Disco Vorp: You must be the Dancing Queen? Only seventeen? Then watch me wipe that smirk off your face!
*Disco Vorp spins on his head while rapidly kicking Burro in the face. Wariofan dutifully absorbs all of the blows.*
TeevC: (pulls a box out of chest compartment) When you're all tired of rough-housing, I got Band-Aids guys!
Disco Vorp: How dare you reference an 80's band!
*Suddenly Big Bull and Fluutar rush in.*
Big Bull: Guys, we've got trouble!
Fluutar: Our moondo numero uno, top alpha dog enemy, Fidelity Castro has been... (extreme close-up) KIDNAPPED!
Disco Vorp: So what? That cat's our nemesis!
Big Bull: Yeah, but whoever kidnapped him could be new competition for us! And just when we eliminated Tomnis!
Disco Vorp: Fine then, who's the fatcat we looking for?
Fluutar: We got a photo. Show him the photo, boss!
Big Bull: I will. Right now, as a matter of fact.
*Big Bull shows a photo of Stevorpamune taken by security probe. The man's face is clearly seen through the opening in the helmet. Disco Vorp grits his teeth.*
Big Bull: We thought that would interest you.
Disco Vorp: Alright crew, prep the car. Let's go!
*Ooki and Stapplycoccus comply, but Wagolem continues wrestling with Golem. Just as the TASTE is about to touch Golem's face, Disco Vorp pulls him back.*
Wagolem: No! What are you doing? I was so close!
Disco Vorp: Gotta move on. Let me take you to Funkytown.
*The Party Crashers file out.*
Repus: Well now we're out of things to do.
Golem: No! We have to get that TASTE! I MUST have it! (mad look in eye)
Misty: Golem, I've never seen you like this...
Golem: Party Goers, follow me!
Master Yoshi: Well at least that Tomnis guy is done for.
*The good guys all run out. Unaware that they themselves are being followed... by a Scooter...*
***
*GORE tears an Ushutarian's tentacle off and chews on it, then kicks it off of the saucer. Director floats up next to GORE's saucer in his own highjacked saucer. Sapphire and Rebe sit bored in each saucer.*
Director: Alright, let's head for the mothership!
GORE: Roger roger!
*The four soon creep into the main ship.*
Loogi: Well well! If it isn't the guests of honor!
gor-killa: Stay back, you losers! We have babies!
GORE: So what? I eat babies for breakfast!
Rebe: (smacks head)
Loogi: Enough. Let us battle.
*The babies Luiigii and Ronnie, whose face is covered by a black mask, tug on Loogi and gor's pant legs.*
Loogi: Wha-?
gor-killa: They wish to join us in battle. I see the spirit of a warrior in all four of their eyes. By Jiminy!
Loogi: So be it. We shall work as one! Come, Luiigii!
gor-killa: Come, Rookie Yoshi!
*Luiigii and Ronnie leap on Loogi and gor's shoulders.*
Camera: Finally, an action scene!
GORE: Eight can play this game! (tosses Rebe onto his shoulders and Sapphire onto Director's) I will protect you, my sweet!
Director: Sheesh, what's up with you? You're freaking obsessed!
***
*Back in R-Space, EVIL Scientist Dude checks a computer console.*
EVIL Scientist Dude: Ah, I see! The birth of that dinosaur activated GORE-ILLA's GORE Meets World program, initiated by the Spinning Cory Matthews used to power his engine. This program will cause him to search desperately for his "Topanga", and when he finds someone whom he thinks is his Topnga, he will then protect her at all cost. What's the problem you say? AT ALL COST! (looks around and sees he's alone) I coulda sworn there was someone right next to me.
***
*Stevorpalmune continues running in a random direction.*
???: First I was afraid, I was petrified.
*Disco Vorp appears and dropkicks Stevorpamune. Stevorpamune stops in place, grabs Disco Vorp by the leg, swings him around and he falls on the floor. Disco Vorp lies crumpled there.*
Disco Vorp: Keep thinking I could never live without you by my side.
But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong...
*Disco Vorp begins climbing to his feet.*
Disco Vorp: I grew strong. I learned how to carry on!
Stevorpamune: What the hell is this?
*Disco Vorp approaches Stevorpamune.*
Disco Vorp: So now you're back! From R-Space!
I just walked in to find you here with that stupid look upon your face!
I should have changed my stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key,
if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me!
*Disco Vorp draws even closer.*
Disco Vorp: Go on now, go! Walk out the door!
Just turn around now!
Cause you're not welcome anymore!
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble...
You think I'd lay down and die?!
*Stevorpamune slashes forward with both swords, but Disco Vorp blocks.*
Disco Vorp: No, not I! I will survive!
As long as I know how to live, I know I'll stay alive!
*The two enter high speed sword battle.*
Disco Vorp: I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give!
And I'll survive... I will survive! Yeah-eah!
Author: Masamune[edit]
Stevorpamune: Ugh! This is ridiculous. I should be like ten times more powerful than you.
Disco Vorp: Ten? How?
Stevorpamune: (Masa's Voice) Well... there's Vorpal. So that's one. Then Steve, that's two. And then Masamune is eigh- *smacks self* Okay! It's more evently distibuted than that!
Disco Vorp: A little identity crisis, eh? Well I'll take care of that! *runs towards Stevorpamune with his sword swinging*
Stevorpamune: S. V. M. SPECIAL! ... EPIC SWORD DODGE!!!
~Stevorpamune dodges Disco Vorp's attack~
Disco Vorp: Argh! Looks like it's time to activate another 70s song to power me up. *pulls out Walkman* Let's see here...
Stevorpamune: S.V.M. SPECIAL! ... WALKMAN CRUSH!
~Stevorpamune backhands the walkman out of Disco Vorp's hands. It crashes into the wall and shatters~
Disco Vorp: NOOOOOO!!!! *falls to knees* MY MIX TAPE! WHY!? WHY!?
Stevorpamune: And now to finish you off... *raises the Vorpal sword*
Stevorpamune: (Steve's Voice) Why finish him off?
Stevorpamune: (Masa's Voice) Yeah... yeah!
Stevorpamune: (Vorpal's Voice) And share with him... ugh...
Stevorpamune: Majority rule! *picks up Disco Vorp's sword*
Disco Vorp: No! You can't----- *Stevorpamune picks up the sword. In an instant, Disco Vorp loses his afro, his excellent goatee, and all his muscles, leaving him as a scrawny wimp*
Disco Stevorpamune: ... MORE... POWER! AHAHAHA!!! *gets an Afro* Oh.
Disco Stevorpamune: (Vorpal's Voice) Can we drop the Disco part of the name?
Stevorpamune: Agreed.
Wamilton: Nooooo!! You can't... WHY!? *runs off into the night*
Fidelity Castro: Well that was a waste of time.
Stevorpamune: *picks up Fidelity* Come... now we ride away!
~Meanwhile, in the local pool, Director and GORE-ILLA play a deadly game of Chicken in the pool against Loogi and gor-killa~
GORE-ILLA: No! No! Swing with your arms, not your feet! I can't hold you if you do that!
Rebe: Why do we have to do this in a pool! *gets kicked by Luiigii* And why are these babies managing to beat us!?
Camera: The pool is for DRAMA! ... yes. Drama. *zooms in on Rebe and Sapphire in their bathing suits*
Director: Oh! Oh! Oh! *Sapphire tips over* Noo! My round, smooth head wasn't condusive to holding people on my shoulders!
GORE-ILLA: Okay Rebe baby, it's just you and me!
~Loogi and gor-killa approach GORE-ILLA from opposite sides with their babies on their shoulders.~
gor-killa: I'm gonna killa you real good!
Loogi: And I'll... huh. You really can't effectively use my name in a threat as a pun.
~Loogi and gor-killa race at top (wading) speed at GORE-ILLA as swirly lights take over the background. GORE-ILLA suddenly throws Rebe in the air, grabs her by her hands and proceeds to spin her around, smacking Loogi and gor-killa in the jaws with her feet. The babies go flying in the air out of the pool, but Sapphire and Director catch them~
gor-killa: Noooo! How could we lose!?
Rebe: My feet! Oww! How could you use me as a weapon?
GORE-ILLA: HUH! HUH! YEAH WHO'S THE MAN!? WHO'S THE MAN!? *climbs out of the pool with Rebe over his shoulder* TEAM REAL-SPACE WINS AGAIN! Us: 1, You: NOTHING! NADA! HWWWAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!
Sapphire: You idiot! You almost got those babies killed!
GORE-ILLA: Anti-babies! Who cares about them!?
Director: Oh. This one is clearly a bandit too! *pulls the mask off Ronnie* GASP! IT'S... IT'S... I really have no idea who this is.
Camera: Ugh. Way to ruin a dramatic moment.
GORE-ILLA: What!? That's no bandit... it's... Ronnie!
Rebe: Oh, so you rescued him.
GORE-ILLA: He... He turned on me! How... how!? He was like a son to me!
Sapphire: I guess he takes after his dad.
GORE-ILLA: I... I... *runs into the Women's changing room in tears*
Sapphire: Oh for crying out loud.
Director: Someone should talk to him.
Rebe: .... why are you all staring at me!?
Sapphire: He's YOUR boyfriend. Apparently.
Rebe: ... fine. I'll talk to him, but he's NOT my boyfriend. He's a robotic monkey. I'll stick with carbon-based creatures of the same species, thank you very much.
Camera: Ooh. A dramatic makeup. This is gonna be goooood.
Director: *steps closer to Sapphire* Kinda puts you in a romantic mood.
Sapphire: No.
Director: ... *steps away and leans over to Camera and whispers* Make you sure you make extra tapes.
Camera: Hey. It's me.
Author: Golem[edit]
OoC: LOL, this is just another I'm-not-sure-I-have-this-right disclaimer. Edit/delete as seen fit.
~Elsewhere, in a chapel on board the Ushutarian mothership, a lawyer stands at a pulpit eulogizing...~
Lawyer: ...and as we join today to shame and forget the life of this young man, Pepper Ronin, let us all...
~MPOM stands at the casket, looking in at the now deceased Pepper Ronin.~
MPOM: Hell-o Ro-nin.
Ronin: ~is dead~
MPOM: Share with me your se-crets of pi-zza con-trol.
Ronin: ~sure ain't talking~
MPOM: H-m-m. Ex-e-cute plan be-ta.
~MPOM puts her tender hand on Ronin's forehead in a motherly and caring fashion.~
MPOM: Com-mence down-load-ing mem-or-y.
Lawyer: ...even mobile pirate operated mothers in today's society agree that Ronin was among something or other...
MPOM: Down-load com-plete. takeOverOfAntiSpacePart1.exe com-plete.
Lawyer: ~looks to MPOM~ I couldn't have put it better myself.
***
~And Stevorpamune is riding away with Fidelity. Or running away.~
Fidelity: What do you plan to do with me now?!
Stevorpamune: Once we get back to Anti-Earth, we'll trade the world for you.
Fidelity: And if the world doesn't accept your bargain?
Stevorpamune: Oh, they will.
~Wamilton leaps from a nearby tree (moon tree?), lunging at Stevorpamune. The trio is unprepared for the surprise attack, but that doesn't matter, since Wamilton lands flat on his face anyway. What matters, though, is that they unwittingly step onto Scooter, who had hidden in waiting.~
Scooter: I'm glad to offer my services.
Stevorpamune: Who says I want them?
Scooter: Look behind you.
~The Party Crashers are running after Stevorpamune, and the Party Goers are chasing the Party Crashers. And just for dramatic effect, they all have pitchforks and torches. And white hoods with two eyeholes each. Ahaha, no, just kidding.~
Stevorpamune: Right. Speed up, to Anti-Earth!
~The Scooter accelerates as it takes off towards Anti-Earth...~