Oregon Goers Page 1
Author: Masamune[edit]
~Somwhere, deep in the dark, frightening jungles of Boston...~
Gore-Illa: Curses! Jeff died!
Fred: You should have stopped when he suffered the serious head trauma from falling ten feet.
Gore-Illa: Eh. This game sucks. It would be more exciting if we actually went to Oregon for real.
~a car honks outside, they go out to see. There is a red ferrari, or rather looks like one but in the shape of a station wagon~
Masamune: Hey Gore, hey Fred!
Gore-Illa: I sense a pointless plot development.
Fred: Go away.
Masamune: I'm going to Oregon.
Fred: Why?
Masamune: I plan to go to California for E3, but accidentally go north instead to Oregon, causing hysteria to ensue.
Fred: How?
Masamune: I'm a doctor now with lots of money.
Fred: I am a teacher with no money.
Masamune: We all know you suck, but nobody cares.
Fred: Oh.
Gore-Illa: I'll go on one condition.
Masamune: Yeah?
Gore-Illa: I get to be Trail Leader.
Masamune: Sure, whatever.
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
Masamune: Now load your stuff in the trunk.
Fred & Gore: Yeah yeah...
Trunk: WAIT! We're... uh... busy in here!
*Trunk pops open. Luigi is playing chess with a plastic skeleton.*
Luigi: Oh darn. Looks like you got me, Mr. Noskin.
Masamune: Curse your stowaway hobo hide, Luigi. Arr.
Luigi: It was my wife's idea.
Gore: You just said it was a mister, though.
Luigi: Mr. Noskin isn't my wife. *holds up mop* This is my wife. Duh.
All: . . .
Masamune: So, you're coming too, then?
Luigi: Yes.
Fred: He stays in the trunk. I called shotgun.
Author: Fred[edit]
(Meanwhile, by the campfire)
Some kid: Holy bajeezus Black guy! This oregon trail game is great!
Black Guy with guitar: You're cursed! Cursed!
Kids: Eeee!
(The kids run away, and the black guy turns to the camera)
Black guy: Don't be shy, c'mon, sit down. This story doesn't really have any direction, so I need an audience. If you try to leave, all the exits are blocked, as the kids have found out. Now keep that film rolling!
(In the car)
Fred: Where are we even going? It better be Hawaii.
Masamune: We'll just check this map, here, and-
GORE: Hey, I'm the leader! Just let this thing move automatically, like in Indiana Jones Movies!
Fred: Delicious. Holy crap, it's really hot out.
GORE: Yeah, well, that's your fault.
Masamune: Isn't that trunk going to be like a sauna?
GORE: Yes. Now dump some more of the water on it, and-
Fred: We're slowing down. We have no food. We never went to town. We have no Gas, and no twelve dollar Oxen!
GORE: Well we still have these ten-packs of soap!
Masamune: Those things weigh 6 pounds! And this jar of pickles is 25!
Fred: Metric system is better...
GORE: Shutup, this is America. Now we'll have to hunt.
Fred: We have no guns, and none of us are proficient at all.
Masamune: Wait, you called shotgun.
Fred: Oh, If you want to call this thing in my hand a shotgun, go ahead, McSmartydumbheadfacetard.
Masamune: It is a gun.
Fred: I'm the teacher, I'll tell you what it is.
Masamune: Gimme that.
GORE: No, I'm the player, I hunt.
Fred: What? Player?
GORE: Um... sure. Okay, let's get to hunting! With the shotgun!
Luigi: It only holds eight bullets, GORE.
Masamune: Wait, how do you know?
Luigi: Well, I was looking for M & Ms, and you'd be surprised all the places people keep them...
Fred: Yabba-dabba doo. I'll fish.
GORE: I'll gather.
Luigi: I think I'm getting a fever.
Fred: It doesn't take a turn for the worse until we get moving again, no worries.
(GORE finds four plants)
GORE: What the... yellow? Black? What are these colours?
Fred: At my old school, we used to have to know this so the stupid kid wouldn't kill himself on the molds and plants growing in the classroom. Let's see... If it's a bright colour, it's safe. Like the sun and it's helpful rays.
GORE: Okay! I can take all of them.
Fred: Or something. I'm glad Masa is a doctor. Hey, a puffer fish.
(also also also meanwhile actually just meanwhile) Masa: I thought I was the pirate. Oh well, It's time to... okay, the shotgun didn't kill that bird. Or that buck. Or the rabbit. That rabbit isn't moving, so... one... two... three... four shots... and I can redeem myself with this bear. Nothing. Great. Might as well attack them with a wet noodle.
(suddenly, Masa suffers a serious gun wound(s))
Masa: A serious gun wound(s)! Great.
(However, as they attempt to get back to the car, they don't realize the decepticons are watching them through a polaroid comprised of three guys. THREE! Not even digital. And it turns out such robots are... AMISH!)
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*GORE, Fred and Masamune and rushing back to the car when the Mecha-Ammish fire a barrage of missiles between them and their car, causing them to stop short.*
Mecha-Ammish 3.0: Biological lifeforms detected. Seek and Destroy.
Mecha-Ammish 3.1: Alright, alright. you don't have to nag.
Mecha-Ammish 0.-1: Derrzzzzzzzzzz....
GORE: Whuh-oh! To the freakish hybrid car!
Mecha-Ammish 3.1: (motioning to the car) Now that is one pretty lady, eh partner?
Mecha-Ammish 3.0: Affirmative.
*GORE flips into the front seat, but the car won't start.*
GORE: Oh great, what now? (kicks the car angrily)
Mecha Ammish 3.0: (sirens) Abuse! Abuse! Wicked biological scum!
*Mecha-Ammish glides through the air and swoops down at GORE, who rushes to escape.*
GORE: Anyone who wants to live, follow me!
*No one even bothers to follow GORE into the forest, and seconds later he rushes out covered with beestings, thorns, animal bites, mud, poison, and fire at the same time. Elsewhere Fred checks the car.*
Fred: Aha! Here's the problem!
*Fred reaches into the exhaust pipes and sees several banana peels had been stuffed in there.*
Fred: How did these get there?
Mecha-Ammish 3.1: Sir, prepare to be lynched!
*Mecha-Ammish 3.1 hets towards Fred with razor saws attacked to his hands, and in desperation Fred bangs on the trunk.*
Fred: Luigi! Luigi! Let me in!
*Luigi creaks the trunk door open only enough for him to see outside.*
Fred: Quick, let me in!
Luigi: Um dude, don't you know that when there are banana peels in the exhaust pipes, someone's busy in the trunk? Come back in ten minu- hey!
*Fred yanks open the trunk and leaps into it with the mop and the half-naked Luigi, slamming the trunk down behind him.*
Masa: What am I doing?
Author: AaronGuy[edit]
Masa: Oh! I was getting my nifty sword off the top of the car. There was no room in the bottom, so I tied it to the top.
Person on the roof: Here's the sword, Masamune. *hands it to him*
Masa: What the?! Who's up there.
Aaron: It's me, AaronGuy. Remember? I asked if I could go with you to California, and you said okay, then hit me on the head and tied me to the roof with your sword.
Masa: Oh, right. *turns to face the robots*
Aaron: ...Any chance I can get dow-
Masa: No.
Aaron: *:<*
Masa: Oh... fine. Go try and unclog the exhaust pipes. *cuts him down*
Author: Vorpal[edit]
Masamune swings his sword about in an impressive manner until it suddenly slips out of his hands and gets stuck in a tree about 20 yards away.
Masa: Man! ... And I've been practicing, too!
The Amishbots close in about to rip Masamune to shreds, AaronGuy desparately unclogs tailpipe and... the car starts.
Everyone: *stops what they're doing and looks at the driver in the car* Wha-
Vorpal: *holding a tank of gas* Hey! I saw you guys stranded and I brought some gas.
At that same moment a peice of cloth on Amishbot 3.1 accidently tears off to reveal a bright blue garment underneath.
Amishbot 3.0: How could you reject our robo-religion?
Amishbot 3.1: I am ashamed...
Amishbot 0.-1: Berzzzzt!
Masamune grabs his sword and he, GORE and Aaron all jump into the car and take off.
Masa: What a strange sequence of fortunate consequences... I wonder if it will continue...
???: Get... off... me...
Masa: Wha-? *looks where he's sitting and he so happens to be sitting squarely on Sapphire's back* How'd you get there?
Saph: I tried to sneak into the group inconspicuously during the Amishbot fight... but ... you're really hurting me now...
Masa: Oh, sorry...
....
Saph: Would you mind getting off now?
Masa: That would require I take off my seatbelt... and if I take it off... I am more prone to an accident.
Saph: Like something like that would happen for the five seconds it takes you to get off me...
Masa: Fine... but I don't like this... *unhooks seatbelt*
Immediately the car comes to a sudden stop and Masamune flies through the windsheild.
Vorpal: *turns around* Sorry... thought I saw a squirrel... it was just a stick. *starts driving again*
BA-BUMP! BA-BUMP!
Vorpal: What was that?
Author: Masamune[edit]
*Dink dink*
"Masamune has been run over by the car. What will you do?"
Gore: Throw him on top and keep going. No resting on this Oregon Trail.
Author: Lupus[edit]
Vorpal: On the road again, doot doo doo...
Fred: This trip is so mind numbing. We must find something to do. Who's job was it to bring the boardgames?
Vorpal: My job was to forget to bring the boardgames and I think I succeeded.
Fred: What's the use in that?
Vorpal: Ask GORE. He handed out the jobs.
GORE: What? I just met you!
Vorpal: Anyway, all the pieces of the boardgames would go all over the place and it would be impossible to play.
Fred: Think of the people trying to play boardgames in space, then consider how better off we are.
GORE: I know, how about we all play I Spy?
Vorpal: Okay, sure, why not? I spy with my little eye -
GORE: Hold on, who says you go first?
Vorpal: Does it matter?
GORE: Of course it bloody matters, I came up with the idea so I get to go first alright? I am trail leader afterall.
Vorpal: Fine, go.
GORE: I spy with my little eye... something beginning with a letter.
Vorpal: Is it car?
GORE: No, but close.
Fred: I don't want to play this anymore. Where's the aspirin, I'm feeling sick.
Vorpal: Ask Lupus out there.
Fred: Ask who?
Vorpal: You know, the doctor guy who attached a sidecar to this station wagon while we were playing I Spy just then.
GORE: No, Masamune's the doctor.
Vorpal: Oh, then I don't know who Lupus is.
*Fred rolls down the window and looks out, and sure enough Lupus is sitting in his sidecar eating dry Weetbix*
Lupus: Hi!
Fred: Don't ask me to look out the window again, it just makes me feel even worse.
Vorpal: Ask Lupus for some medicine then.
GORE: No, Masamune's the doctor.
Vorpal: Oh, I thought it was Lupus.
GORE: No, Masamune's the doctor.
Vorpal: Yeah, I know, you just told me.
GORE: No, Masamune's the doctor.
Author: Golem[edit]
Golem: Apparently I'm the only one who remembers who the REAL doctor is.
~Golem holds up 8X11 sheet of paper.~
Vorpal: ...Wow!
GORE: What?! What is it?!
Vorpal: Read it yourself.
GORE: I'm a gorilla, I can't read.
~Meanwhile, Vorpal has stopped paying attention to the road ahead. The car now drudges forth through a monster truck show.~
Announcer 1: And... would you look at that?! It's Masamune strapped on top of his very own car!
Announcer 2: Masamune is the doctor.
Announcer 1: DOES NOT COMPUTER
I MEAN COMPUTE
~Back inside the car...~
Vorpal: ~reading the paper that Golem holds up~ "I hearby declare that I really like the Hypocratic oath. Or maybe Hippocratic. How's it spelled again? Signed, The Mop."
GORE: You mean Luigi's girlfriend?
Golem: Yes, the signature tracks down to Luigi's girlmopfriendmoppygirlfriendything. Now hand over the cheesecake or face the wrath of !
~Golem points to a monster truck that chases the car. Driving it is an exclamation point.~
GORE: Wrong OG, Golem.
~By now, Vorpal has driven onto an airport. He unintentionally drives up and into an airplane. The car stops in coach as the monster truck slows to a halt, left on the ground.~
Voice: Hello, this is your captain. We apologize for any inconvenience that has been caused by Vorpal driving Masamune's car in here. We are now going to attempt to remove this vehicle (the aeroplane, not Masamune's car) from the ground by using a forward force, and the force of air on the vehicle's wings. Where we'll stop, nobody knows!
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
Vorpal: Now... where is the shotgun?
Fred: I ate it, sorry. We lost everything that GORE had foraged when we drove through that airplane and came out here somehow.
GORE: I definitely didn't eat what we foraged. Nope.
. . .
GORE: OH FINE! I'm the Trail Leader. I can do whatever the hell I want. You *points at Saph*... you *points at Golem*... and you *points at Masa's corpse*! Go strangle that grizzly bear over there with your "bear" hands! HA HA HA!
Saph/Golem/Masa: . . .
GORE: NOW! As for the rest of you. Um... entertain yourselves.
Vorpal: So... what'cha doin'?
Luigi: I'm looking for the trunk. I think it fell off the car. I'd probably care more, but my mop and I just got a divorce about ten minutes ago, and Mr. Noskin paid off that $5 he owed me.
Vorpal: I'd help you, but I care even less than you do.
Luigi: Okay.
Lupus: I don't think we're in Oregon anymore.
Fred: Why not?
Lupus: This sign says, "You're not in Oregon anymore."
Fred: It's a filthy liar. Just ignore it and it'll go away.
Lupus: You hear that, sign! We're ignoring you!
Fred: Ha ha!
Sign: You guys suck... *goes away*
Author: Fred[edit]
(Meanwhile, in the highest chambers of the darkest, deepest reaching fortress in Japan...)
Minion: Master Wabafukiotohimakilarihnapoto! The Oregon has started once again!
Master Wabafukiotohimakilarihnapoto: How did you get this information? Why do I care? Why are you saying this to me while I'm in the bath?
Minion: Well, I had it for a while, but I was also working up the courage to tell you that... I love you.
Master Wabafukiotohimakilarihnapoto: Well, now, I'm already dating myself so BACK OFF.
Minion: Oh... Well, the Oregon Trail KILLED YOUR FATHER!
Master Wabafukiotohimakilarihnapoto: No, he died from Gunshot Wound(s)(z).
Minion: ON THE OREGON TRAIL!
Master Wabafukiotohimakilarihnapoto: Okay, that makese perfect sense since Japan probably barely knows that North America is there, if at all. PREPARE THE U-BOMBERS!
(Hundreds of thousands of U-Boats take to the skies, but instantly run out of fuel)
Master Wabafukiotohimakilarihnapoto: Oh well, we tried. Maybe next OG.
(Oookay. Back with the Oregon Goers...)
Golem: This bear is made of plastic.
GORE: You're not getting off until it chokes.
Sapphire: This is kind of... uncomfortable, considering Masa is pretty dead, and we've been trying to do this for the last hour.
Masa: Plastic's better than nothing. (Takes a bite out of the neck, and it cracks)
GORE: Oh, look what you've done. Now you'll have to find a new one.
Golem: Yeah, Sapphire, I'm kinda tired from all that strangling. You can carry Masa.
Sapphire: Whatever, just tie him to your legs.
Fred: Let's build DisneyLand, right here.
Lupus: You aren't allowed to chop down wood. And you're a schoolteacher, you've got noodle-arms. Give me the axe. (Lupus cuts down the sign)
Sign: What did I ever do? I've got a wife and -arghh kidssss!
Fred:It's good that inanimate objects have life so that we can end it and enjoy doing just that.
Luigi: Okay, we should use this wood to cook the car.
GORE: Are you insane?
Luigi: Okay, we'll have to get the car on a spit.
GORE: Better.
Author: Vorpal[edit]
Narrator: Little did they know that they had not in fact traveled back through time, just durring a point in time while Vorpal wasn't looking where he was driving, he they just ended out in the wilderness. And what they further didn't know was that they were a mere mile from a major city, in which, on the outskirts of said city was a carnival where there was a raffle contest for a whole bunch of money which Masamune would have won if he was there and well... not dead...
*Someone comes into view and whispers a few things into Narrator's ear*
Narrator: Uh... so now that I've told you what doesn't happen... what really does happen? HA! Like I would know!
Vorpal: *writing in his diary with his own voice voicing over him clearly not talking but just writing* Day Fifty-Three. The will of the crew are growing dim. I feel that GORE may not be a sound commander at this point in time. We've buried Masamune like he would have always wanted to be buried... by throwing him off of a steep cliff so that we wouldn't have to smell his horrid stench. I cried at the service. Fred said a few words... a few unintelligible words, but tear-jerking nonetheless... I
Luigi: Hey Vorpal! Done with your part of the OG yet?
Vorpal: Just a sec, I just buried Masamune... I'm almost done.
Luigi: Well hurry up. We really have nothing else better to do out here...
Vorpal: I know... I know... how long have we been stranded?
Luigi: *looks at watch* Abooooout..... ten minutes.
Vorpal: Will we ever survive this torture? This life that man was not meant to live... a life out in *shudders* nature...
Luigi: Yeah... well just finish up your part. I got dibs on that OG next.
Author: Masamune[edit]
Narrator: Little did they realize that Masamune - the writer, not the rotting corpse, had returned from another computer, from the depths of Dial-Up. With a post... so... not as short as last time... it was... not short.
---
Vorpal: I'm worried about the way the plot is progressing. Where are we? When are we?
Gore: Shut up. I've been checking for sattelite transmissions.
Luigi: Yeah?
Gore: Aside from all the ones left by the past super-intelligent race of dino-people, I haven't detected any. And worse than that...
Luigi: Yeah?
Gore: I'm going to miss Survivor.
Vorpal: Gads!
Gore: For the remainder of this post and maybe longer depending on the willingness of the writers, I do believe we're stuck in the historic time period of the ACTUAL Oregon Trail.
Fred: No! This can't be happening!
Gore: Why?
Fred: My ancestor went on this trail. My grandpa told me how he went on this trip with a ape, hobo, princess girl, dead guy...
Vorpal: No need to give us all titles. But for the record, I would be 'super villain'.
Fred: Okay. I'll mark off 'clown' then. But... I'm my own ancestor!
Sapphire: That explains SO much.
Gore: As trail leader, we'll have to organize ourselves. But how?
--
Meanwhile...
Jebediah: Look! Up there!
There is a group of strangers ahead.
Jebby Jr.: Let's go meet them, Pa!
~they march up to the strangers~
Stranger 1: GET THEM!!!
--
Later...
Vorpal: This wagon ain't so bad.
Sapphire: Well YEAH. You're riding in it. And why do I have to wear this stupid dress?
Gore: To fit into the cultural era. We can't afford any more temporal anomalies aside from the one Fred has already created.
Fred: *shudders* God, I marry my own great-great-something-something-grandmother! SICK!
Luigi: At least I have my new wife here. *holds up pitchfork* She's a better wife.
Golem: Great, but did Lupus really have to attach a side-wagon?
Lupus: YES.
Golem: And did Aaron really have to come? No one has bothered to give him any lines anyways.
Aaron: ....
Gore: Stop complaining or I'll reduce our rations. Again.
--
Meanwhile... at the bottom of a canyon...
Masamune: I ate'nt dead! HELLO! Are you guys up there still!? It's only a flesh wound!
Chibi-Devil: *slithers up to him* Hiya.
Masamune: Oh great. Am I dead?
Chibi-Devil: Yes.
Masamune: Oh hell.
Chibi-Devil: You can say that again.
Author: SteveT[edit]
Luigi (Narrator impression): Your hobo needs food badly!
Vorpal: Luigi, you can't fool us with your impressions. The voice seems to be coming from the trunk, which implies it's probably coming from you. Assuming you're still there, of course. Aaronguy, is Luigi still in the trunk? Does this wagon even have a trunk?
Aaronguy: *Shrugs*
Luigi (Narrator impression): Ahem! Your hobo needs food badly!
Fred: I know this game. By "food," he means "medical attention."
GORE: No, Masa's the doctor.
All: *sadly look down at the ground*
Vorpal: Well, maybe we should stop and hunt, then. I'm getting hungry myself.
GORE: No dice. I killed all the buffalo back in future Ohio. There aren't any left.
Fred: But...that doesn't make sense on at least two levels...
Vorpal: Well great. Our hobo needs food badly and Mr. I-Shoot-Buffalo-Because-it's-the-Only-Way-to-Make-the-Game-Interesting can't control himself.
Luigi (forgetting to do the impression): GIVE YOUR HOBO SOME FREAKING MEAT!
Author: Yoshiman[edit]
Vorpal: Well hold on a second, we seem to be approaching some sort of outpost!
All the others look up in surpise.
GORE: Supplies!
Sapphire: Old West-interaction!
Luigi: Food!
*The car comes to a screeching halt*
Fred: Hey now; why are we stopping?
Vorpal: There's a river between us and the outpost!
Yoshiman steps up to the car.
Yoshiman: Well now I reckon you folks would like to cross the river.
GORE: That's right.
Yoshiman: Well. . . *Scatches his chin* You'll have to wait three days for the ferry.
GORE: That sounds good.
Fred: But the ferry is right th--
GORE: No time for this! We'll wait it out.
Vorpal: I have a better idea! We'll calk the wagon and float across! I mean car!
*They calk the car, using Masa's corpse as a plank*
GORE: Wait, I didn't agree to this.
Sapphire: Me either.
Lupus: I think I'm getting waterlogged.
Luigi: Are you guys talking about food?
Fred: There's a bridge about a mile upstrea--
Vorpal: No time for that!
The car shoves out of the dock.
Yoshiman: Dock fee is four dollars! Hey, dintcha hear me?! *Gets in his ferry and chases after them*