Some Fanventures Page 2

Pages in the Some Fanventures Trilogy Archive

Vol 1. (1 - 2) - Vol 2. (1 - 2) - Vol 3. (1 - 2)

Masamune

~GM and Golem are finally able to hold Thrakun down~

Zelda: That short little man is crazy!

HH: I'll finish him off! *zaps him with sword*

Thrakun: That tickles!

HH: Wow, he must not be one of Ganon's minions. I guess I'm useless now.

Zelda: Not so fast, buster. We're going to get that Triforce before those other guys do!

Golem: We could work toge-

Zelda: Shut up.

HH: Fine, princess, but how do we do that?

~Impa strolls up mysteriously~

Zelda: Impa, what are you-

Impa: You rotten kids, left me out of the cartoon! It's bad enough I only appear in the backstories, but leaving me out of the cartoon broke my old heart! Kids these days, why when I was your age-

GM: *grabs Impa's bag of goods* I got those jewel things we need for the palace, so let's go!

Zelda: Link, they're getting away!

HH: I'll go as long as you kiss me first.

~Zelda 2 Temple Music Plays as the scene changes to a MYSTERIOUS DUNGEON!~

Iron Knuckle *lunges at Thrakun*

Thrakun: *keeps hitting the Iron Knuckle's legs, since he's too short to attack the head*

Iron Knuckle: *dies*

Podley: I say, old chap! *releases a dead monster from his pincer jaw things* Nicely done!

GM: Stop. *gets hit by running and skipping rat thing* That. *again* Right. *again* Now. *again*

Marin: Hey look, I found a candle.

Golem: So?

Marin: Well I like it!

~they travel into the final room nicely decorated with pillars and curtains. Standing in the room is a tall horse-headed guardian~

Mazura: Who dares to disturb my dungeon?

Golem: Actually we were hoping to sort of place one of these gems in that rock behind you. Won't take but a minute.

Mazura: Well...

Thrakun: *beats on door behind Mazura* Curses, it's locked!

Mazura: Actually...

GM: Here's the key to that. *filches key from Mazura's pocket*

Mazura: Listen...

Marin: These curtains are tacky. I mean, really. *uses Candle to set curtains on fire*

Mazura: Stop that!

Podley: *starts going through Mazura's kitchen* Coffee? Bleh, awful stuff!

Mazura: WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!?

~everyone stops and looks at him~

Mazura: You're supposed to duel me, one on one. What you're doing isn't fair! I was sent to guard here to prevent trespassers from opening the seal on the Great Palace because-

Thrakun: I put the rock in, lads. Time to go!

Mazura: You can't do that! COME BACK! This isn't fair! *sniffles as the last of the group leaves* ... I liked those curtains.

~Meanwhile, at the Great Palace~

Moblin: Me no get inside.

Wizzrobe: It seems to be protected by some energy shield.

Ganon: Argh! This is probably all Zelda's doing!

~Also meanwhile, in the vastness of space, AKA where Zebes used to be~

Mario: *floats in space* Well that was a great idea, LUIGI.

Luigi: *also floating in space* Shut up.

SOAP

Marin: Wait! Hold up guys!

Golem: Yes'm!?

Marin: Somethng's not right here.

GM: Like the fact that I'm really your daddy.

Marin: No, idiot! And you're not my dad.

GM: Not yet, that is.

Marin: Whatever. Seriously guys, I have this feeling we're forgetting someone...

(Meanwhile, in the future, MJ was in his bedroom, pacing around dressed in Peach's dress.)

MJ: Hello, my name's Yolanda Stedman. How you is? *snaps* GUUUUUUURL! Lemme tell you somethin' baby. You wouldn't believe the food we had yesterday! I made fried chicken, macaroni cheese, colligreens, biscuits, potato salad, cole slaw, pig's feet, chitlins, leg bone, grits, and bacon grease, OH LORD! Watermelons for desert. Then we washed it all down with some koolaid--the bad kind cos' you know how us black folk love that crap.

(An older GM with a mustache and graying hair walks in.)

GM: Hey son, dinner's ready! If you wa--

MJ: !!!

GM: ...

MJ: ............

GM: Okay! Well come down whenever you're ready. *leaves*

(back to Present.)

Marin: I'm sure it's nothing. Let's keep doing whtaever the hell we're doing.

Golem

~The gang leaves the palace and journeys westward, facing enemies along the way, until they reach Ruto Town.~

Golem: Look at that sign!

~Golem points to a sign that reads "Having trouble jumping? Come see a guy in this house! Bring Rupees!"~

GM: But there aren't any rupees in Zelda II.

Sign: Well shut--shut up.

~They go in the house and find it completely furnished but empty of people.~

Thrakun: Hm... he must be out.

Marin: Maybe the sign listed hours he'd be in, I'll go check.

GM: Wait, there are some stairs leading to a basement, we should check down there.

Golem: Oh yeah, the old wizard guy is always sitting in the corner of his creepy dark basement.

~They go down to the house's creepy dark basement.~

Wizard: Here for the jumping magic?

Thrakun: Yes!

Marin: This doesn't involve touching, does it?

Wizard: Got the rupees?

GM: There are no rupees in this game.

Wizard: I can't just give you magic for free.

Marin: ~insert a tone of begging/seduction/whatever you want~ Please?

Wizard: Suure... but don't go blabbing it, alright?

~The wizard waves his hands, some pretty sparkles appear around the Fanvers then die down, and the spell is done.~

Wizard: Go to the pause menu and try out the magic.

~Everyone does so then jumps. Everyone jumps incredibly high except for Thrakun, who jumps half his normal jumping height.~

Thrakun: Hey!!

Wizard: My mother was an elf.

Thrakun: Typical.

Podley: Did I really need the magic??

~Well anyway, they continue onwards to Midoro Palace. After going through a dark cave, they find themselves lost in a deep forest...~

Golem: Have we been walking in circles?

Thrakun: No, we've been walking forward the whole time.

Golem: Just seems like we've been walking forever...

Thrakun: If we keep going forward, we're bound to get out of here eventually.

GM: We should hurry up, though. It's going to get dark soon.

Marin: It's been dark the whole time in this thick forest, my candle has been the major source of light.

~GM casts Jump and jumps up through the trees, eventually reaching the top.~

GM: Why didn't I think of this earlier? Woah, guys, it's already night, and a full moon at that!

~He feels something sharp cut his arm and loses his balance. As he falls, he spots a fairy with bloody fangs flying away, then turns into a fairy himself before reaching the ground.~

Golem: Hey hey, free health!

~GM flies towards Thrakun, who slaps him aside.~

Thrakun: That fairy is not healthy!

Marin: GM! GM!

Golem: Wait a minute, a full moon... What if he became... A WEREFAIRY?!

Thrakun: That's among the more stupid things I've heard in my lifetime.

Podley: A fellow carnivore. Come now, there are things you should eat and things you shouldn't!

~The fairy sinks its teeth into Podley's upper gooey portion.~

SOAP

Marin: I don't even wanna know what is mean by "upper gooey portion."

Golem: Marin!

Marin: I'm just saying!

Golem: No, not that! Use your powers to heal him.

Marin: But I can use my pheonix powers once an OG.

Thrakun: A lot of help you are, lass.

Marin: Oh fine! But I need someone to make me cry.

Thrakun: Your mothers a whore.

Marin: Duh! I already knew that.

Thrakun: This is pointless. *pounches Marin across the face*

Marin: Ow! That hurt! *sobs*

Golem: Quick! Heal him before he bites us!

Marin: You better calm down, I ain't your slave.

(Marin walks over to Podley's writhing body and flings a tear at him. He instantly returns back to normal.)

Golem: *slaps his forehead* I meant GM... No body cares about Podley.

Marin: Oh build a bridge and get over it already.

Thrakun: I think you just don't want GM to be your dad.

Marin: Don't be ridiculus. One kiss with my mom's younger self doesn't make him my dad. Just wait till my brother comes back from our timeline and proves it.

MJ: *appears* Hi guys! What's up? Sorry I'm late. Mom makes a mean pasta and I just couldn't stop at just seconds.

Marin: There you are! Tell them GM isn't our dad!

MJ: Of course not! My dad's is Duke Mario I. I don't know who your are though.

Golem: We don't either. She just followed us for no reason.

Thankrun: And she hasn't shut up since.

Marin:

MJ: Well she is a hottie. It wouldn't hurt to let her tag along.

Marin: I'M YOUR SISTER YOU PERV!

MJ: Nah, I'd think I'd remember if I had bombshell like you for sister.

Marin: I'm so gonna burn you with this candle when we get home...

MJ: *totally ignoring Marin* Where's GM?

Fairy GM: *bites MJ's neck*

Golem: That would be him.

MJ: This won't end well... *faints*

Masamune

~And just then~

HH: Got it! *bottles fairy GM* Aha! *Holds it up proudly*

Zelda: *talking on cell phone* And I was like, GAWD, how could you just let the Triforce go, I mean really!

Thrakun: ARGH! *is restrained by Golem and Marin*

MJ: *twitches*

Podley: I say, what a rather odd turn of events, wot wot?

HH: *aims Zapper at the 'gang'* Okay guys, hand over the jewels! I got a date with destiny!

Zelda: Who is Destiny!? *slaps him*

HH: Ow, well excuuuuuuuse me, princess! That was just a saying, meaning I have to recover the Triforce of Courage!

Zelda: And the other ones, HERO.

Thrakun: Do ye need a room?

Zelda: With him? EWW.

Golem: Well, I rather forgot what our motivation was for getting for the Triforce of Courage.

Marin: ... oh, I know! We can use it to awaken my comatose brother!

MJ: *lies limp and drooling*

Thrakun: Aye! There be our plan, now we'll be going!

Podley: What of our wing-ed companion, wot?

Golem: Oh um. Can we have the bottle back?

HH: But... if I die, I need that fairy!

Marin: It's actually a BEE.

HH: A bee!? A gold bee?

Marin: An EVIL BEE. It bites.

HH: Oh... well... *hands over bottle*

Zelda: What are you doing!?

HH: Well I thought-

Zelda: You stupid lazy good for nothing savior of Hyrule, you just gave away our only leverage!

HH: Well your big monologue gave them time to make a getaway!

'The Gang': *makes a getaway*

Zelda: Curses.

~Meanwhiles, Midoro Palace~

Golem: Anyone remember who is the boss of this dungeon?

Podley: Boss?

Thrakun: I'm a free dwarf, I serve no one!

Golem: I'm beginning to miss GM for his useful 'talk about games from an outside perspective'.

Marin: I don't know if it's clearly established what my range of perception is, but I'll throw out 'Jermafencer'.

Golem: Jermawhozat?

Marin: Helmethead.

Golem: Oh.

Luiigii of the Pipes

~The group reaches a dead end. Because they died. No really because there's a cave in.~

Thrakun: Stand ye back, lads 'nd lassies. It be a twelve course meal! ~dives into rocks and starts eating~

~Suddenly, the full moon disappears.~

GM: ~explodes out of bottle as he returns to normal~ OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!

Golem: Glass shards of doom! ~hides behind Podley~

~The glass shards get caught in Podley and rendered helpless.~

GM: What happened?

Thrakun: ~munching on a boulder~ Yeh goot bitten by ae wee wearfaerie.

Marin: So now you're a werefairy too and definitely can't be my dad absolutely not no way. And you bit my brother, which does earn you some points.

Golem: I thought he wasn't your brother.

Marin: If only...

Podley: I say, there's an odd sort of glove down this way, chaps. I'd wear it myself, but it's a mite difficult with no hands, wot.

Golem: Oh oh! I want it this time! ~picks up Handy Glove and puts it on~ Ohhh... I bet I could totally punch some rocks now!

GM: You need a glove for that? ~punches a rock and breaks his non-cyborg hand~ Ow.

Golem: ~punches a rock and disintegrates it~

Thrakun: WHAT YE DOIN'?! Thaet's perfectly good sedimentaery ye be destrooyin'!

Golem: I'm, um, just watching your diet for you? ~punches through the rest of the rocks~

Thrakun: ~grumbles~

Jermafencer: What the hell, guys. I just finished putting those rocks up.

Golem: Actually we were hoping to sort of place one of these gems in that rock behind you. Won't take but a minute.

Jermafencer: Well...

Thrakun: *beats on door behind Jermafencer* Curses, it's locked!

Jermafencer: Actually...

GM: Here's the key to that. *filches key from Jermafencer's pocket*

Jermafencer: Listen...

Marin: These curtains are tacky. I mean, really. *uses Candle to set curtains on fire*

Jermafencer: Stop that!

Podley: *starts going through Jermafencer's kitchen* Coffee? Bleh, awful stuff!

Jermafencer: WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!?

~everyone stops and looks at him~

Jermafencer: You're supposed to duel me, one on one. What you're doing isn't fair! I was sent to guard here to prevent trespassers from opening the seal on the Great Palace because-

Thrakun: I put the rock in, lads. Time to go!

Jermafencer: You can't do that! COME BACK! This isn't fair! *sniffles as the last of the group leaves* ... I liked those curtains.

Jermafencer: Whoa whoa no. I just got a call on my cell from Mazura about you. We won't be seeing a repeat of that, no.

Thrakun: CELL PHONE GRAR! ~lunges into Jermafencer, smashing him into the wall and knocking his head off~

Jermafencer: OW! ~grows another head, then has it punched right back off by Thrakun~ I can only grow two! You son of a...!

~The heads start spitting fire at the rest of the group, who start breakdancing to dodge.~

GM: We can't beat them without the downward thrust move!

Podley: ~grabs one of the heads~ I say... I can't suck up a golem, wot.

Golem: But I'm a golem.

Marin: ~throws MJ at one of the heads, which does nothing~ Hrmm.

Golem: I know what to do!

~Golem starts punching the wall with his Handy Glove, until the entire palace starts to shake.~

Jermafencer: Don't do that! ~Thrakun smashes him against the wall again~ You'll bring the whole palace down!

Golem: Don't worry. I'm just digging a hole to that room with the rock.

Jermafencer: IT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Golem: Oh.

~Palace collapses around them.~

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

~That is, the palace except for the room with the rock that you put the gem in, because that's an important room and was built FORD tough. Which is why Golem ran to the other wall quick and dug a hole that they all ran through except for Jermafencer, because he was too big to fit in. His heads flew through, but Thrakun ate them or something.~

Golem: ~puts stone in place~ Bing. ~levels up~

SOAP

Marin: Omigosh! Where's my brother?

Golem: Ohmigosh! You have a brother!

Marin: Don't start that again.

Thrakun: I believe ye threw the unconcious lad somewhere.

Marin: And none of you thought to pick him back up?

GM: What do we look like? Your man-servants?

MJ: *appears* Hi guys! What's up? Sorry I'm late. Mom makes a mean pasta and I just couldn't stop at just seconds.

Marin: WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH THIS!

MJ: Oh hi Mare. What's eating you?

Marin: You! You keep doing that!

MJ: Aw, is someone having her time of the month?

Marin: I'llkillyou! *lunges at MJ*

(GM rushes over and separates the two.)

GM: Hey, hey! You two better behave. Don't make take both of you aside and spank you.

Marin: For the last time! You're NOT my dad!

(Marin kicks GM in the groin. MJ and Marin both simulatneously begin to fade for a few seconds and then return back to normal once GM gets back on his feet.)

Golem: That was.... bizarre.

Marin: Yes, and I wish I cared more to figure it out. Where the hell are we anyways? My candles going out and I can barely see.

Masamune

Golem: We're just outside of Midoro Palace now.

GM: Oh good.

Thrakun: Swamp! Swamp everywhere!

~they begin to trudge southwards while Boons fly above and drop rocks on them~

Podley: Who do they bother... when they can't get Metroid?

~sometime later, they are closing in on a forest~

Thrakun: Forest!? Elfland then.

Marin: Hey, there's a house here.

~they all huddle into the house~

Mysterious Man: Bagu... is.... my... name...

Marin: Aiiiiieeee! No wait, so?

Bagu: *cryptically holds out letter* Show my note to River Man.

Marin: I don't like him, he scares me.

MJ: *anxiously grabs note* Let's see... aha. "Hello Bob, Sorry about your wife. I never had any idea she was just an Ache in disguise. That's pretty low down if you ask me, aches going around disguised as women! Anyways, I want you to let the person who delivers this letter head into the mountains across your bridge. Not sure why, but I felt that it's my destiny or something. Yours Truly, Bagu."

Golem: Maybe his wife was a head ACHE. Haha, get it?

Thrakun: No.

GM: Is there a palace in the mountains?

Bagu: Um... not... neccessarily.

Thrakun: *pins Bagu up against the wall* Ye may be bearded as a dwarf, but ye have ears of an elf! If ye be wantin' to live, ye best be taking us to the next palace, ye kin?

Bagu: Okay, okay! I'll do it!

~They continue southward~

GM: How do we know this Bagu can be trusted?

Golem: I think one of Ganon's minions would use less adjectives and smell funny.

GM: But he does smell funny!

Marin: But where is he leading us?

Bagu: To the Island Palace, beyond the King's Tomb.

~They finally get to the King's Tomb, head south, and enters the cave leading to the Island Palace~

Bagu: Oh, I think we need the Fairy Spell to get up there.

Podley: *floats up to the top* I made it up, wot wot.

Golem: I know! *uses Jump spell* HA! *makes it up halfway* Well that sucks.

Bagu: Well, I'll just head back to my cottage now. *runs away*

Marin: This is easy, my dad was Mario. This is time for a wall jump! *tries to do it but fails* How come I can't do it anymore!?

Golem: A dead end! This sucks.

Podley: I'm waiting.

Golem: What if.... what if we had GM go back into fairy mode, bite us all, and then we all fly up.

GM: Hahaha- no.

~Meanwhile, in the background, Thrakun has carved a stairway out of the stone~

Thrakun: Let's take the stairs.

~Finally they make it to Maze Palace~

Golem: Finally! Now who is the boss of this place?

GM: Rebonack.... er, Iron Knuckle.

Golem: This is the last boss with an alternate name, right?

Marin: Let's get this over with. This is getting to become boring.

Golem: This sounds like a job for FLASH FORWARD!!

~What proceeds next is a quick procession of different scenes depicting 'the Gang' taking down each boss in the next few dungeons. Also it features scenes with MJ grabbing the Raft for himself, Thrakun showing off his new boots, Podley playing a whistle... somehow, and GM getting mad because all he got was a Cross~

---THE GREAT PALACE---

Ganon: I'm sick of waiting, let's go.

*just then the seal goes down as 'the Gang' beats Barba back in Palace 6*

Ganon: OR NOT! Forward minions, the Triforce of Courage is ours!

~Meanwhile, at the Path of Fire~

MJ: *puts Raft on Lava* Okay, let's go! *raft bursts in flames* Oh...

GM: That's it, I'm going home.

Thrakun: It... it... looks like home!

Golem

Golem: So we're stuck here?

---

~Ganon and his crew have charged through the Great Palace and now face Thunderbird. Ganon orders his minions to leap on Thunderbird, then he uses Thunder on Thunderbird, removing the mask on Thunderbird's face. Though some of his minions get fried, most of them just stab Thunderbird in the face. Thunderbird goes down for the count in a matter of seconds.

Then Light Ganon shows up. He immediately gets jumped by Ganon's minions and, well, let's just say it's not a pretty picture. Ganon then claims the Triforce of Courage.~

Ganon: Power, Wisdom, and Courage... YAY! I mean, BWAHAHAHA! Come, we have much work to do!

---

~Hours later, at the Path of Fire...~

Golem: Maybe we can blow on the lava to cool it down.

---

~And at Hyrule Palace, in the throne room, Ganon is giving the King of Hyrule a serious noogie--helped by the Triforce of Power.~

King: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT STOP ALREADY YOU CAN HAVE THE CROWN!

~Ganon grabs the crown from the King's head and puts it on.~

Ganon: Well, the fun part is over. Now it's just... making laws... and enforcing them...

Moblin: But we'll still have Torture Tuesdays, right sir?

Ganon: Ohh yeah. You always know how to cheer me up.

SOAP

Marin: This is dumb. Why are we on this stupid adventure anyways?

MJ: To save the world. Or something like that.

(Just then, there was a burst of golden light in the sky and out of the flash appears a tiny house which lands gently nearby.)

Marin: Ugh! What a tacky little house.

(That's when a bunch of annoying little christian kids come pouring out of the house followed by an even more annoying scientist dude and his robot.)

Annoying Kid #1: This isn't part of the Bible Times!

Annoying Kid #2: Oh my God! I think we died in our last jump and ended up in hell!

Even More Annoying Scientist Dude: Tsukubo! Thou mustn't use the lord's name in vain.

Annoying Kid #3: We are in hell! Look there's a hooker and a queer!

Marin: Hey! Are you talking about us!

Annoying Kid #3: No, I was talking about those two over there. *points at Paris Hilton and Clay Aiken standing way over to the right.)

Paris: Whatever. You don't know me. Anyone have any gum?

Clay: And I'm not gay! *sees MJ* Hey there sailor. What's your name?

MJ: ^_^ MJ! Nice to meet ya!

Marin: Okay! That's it, you're coming with me!

(Marin makes a grab for her brother but MJ has suddenly dissappeared.)

Marin: Not again....

(One of the upstairs windows of the house opens up and out pops MJ's head.)

MJ: Hey guys!

Marin: MJ!

Golem: And I thought I was random.

MJ: Sorry I'm late! Mom makes a mean pasta and I just couldn't stop at just seconds.... I dunno how I ended up in this house though.... I wonder what this buttons does...

EMASD: Fool! Don't touch the controls!

(Before the scientist and the kids could go back into the house and stop him, the house lifted up into the air and vanished just as quickly as it appeared.)

~*~

(One post earlier...)

~Ganon and his crew have charged through the Great Palace and now face Thunderbird. Ganon orders his minions to leap on Thunderbird, then he uses Thunder on Thunderbird, removing the mask on Thunderbird's face. Though some of his minions get fried, most of them just stab Thunderbird in the face. Thunderbird goes down for the count in a matter of seconds.

Then Light Ganon shows up. He immediately gets jumped by Ganon's minions and, well, let's just say it's not a pretty picture. Ganon then claims the Triforce of Courage. But then a house appears out of nowhere and crushes him.~

MJ: *steps outside* Um... Hello? Anyone there? Oo! Three pretty triangle thingies. I wonder what they do...

(As soon as MJ touched the golden triangles, they lifted off the floor nad assembled into the full triforce.)

Triforce Essence: Welcome, Mario Jr... I am the Essence Of The Triforce... ... ... The Triforce will grant the wishes in the heart and mind of the person who touches it. If a person with a good heart touches it, it will make his good wishes come true... If an evil---

MJ: Boring! I want my wish now!

Triorce Essence: Patience young one, if you let me continue I will--

MJ: Still boring!

Triforce Essence: Please, I implore you--

MJ: BOOOOORING!

Triforce Essence: You know what? You don't get your damn wish. I'll just find someone else who isn't such a dumbass. *flies away*

MJ: Oh...

Luiigii of the Pipes

~The Triforce flies back and smacks the house into the horizon.~

MJ: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Triforce: ~presents itself to Ganon, who gets up unsteadily. Ganon then claims the Triforce.~

Ganon: Power, Wisdom, and Courage... YAY! I mean, BWAHAHAHA! Come, we have much work to do!

***

~Hours later, at the Path of Fire...~

Golem: Maybe we can blow on the lava to cool it down.

***

~And at Hyrule Palace, in the throne room, Ganon is giving the King of Hyrule a serious noogie--helped by the Triforce of Power.~

King: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT STOP ALREADY YOU CAN HAVE THE CROWN!

~Ganon grabs the crown from the King's head and puts it on.~

Ganon: Well, the fun part is over. Now it's just... making laws... and enforcing them...

Moblin: But we'll still have Torture Tuesdays, right sir?

Ganon: Ohh yeah. You always know how to cheer me up.

***

Golem: I feel that something terrible has happened...

Marin: No you don't.

Golem: Yeah, well...

Podley: Bloody hell... ~flies up to the ceiling~ I say, if one of you chaps would give a tappity tap to this ol' stalactite, it just might form a path.

Thrakun: I cannae be throwin' me axe. It woos a gift from me poor faether.

Marin: So was my hammer. From my REAL father.

GM: I'm out of ammo.

Golem: ~tries picking up a rock with his Handy Glove, but it is destroyed instead~ Ohhhh...

GM: ~throws Cross at stalactite~

Golem: No no wait! What if we have to see invisible enemies?!

GM: We won't.

~The stalactite falls into the lava with the Cross. Immediately a hundred invisible Lizardmen (not Lizalfos no never) run across the makeshift bridge and attack the group.~

Group: AH GOD NO!

Thrakun: I cannae kill what I cannae see!

Podley: ~sucks the Lizardmen to death one by one~ I say.

~They proceed for many days across the River of Fire until they finally arrive at the Great Palace. Then they break in and enter the chamber where the Triforce of Courage... ISN'T!~

Group: AH GOD NO!

HH: Where is it?!

Zelda: Yeah!

HH: Excuuuuse me, Princess, but I think I can handle this.

Zelda: ~scoffs~

HH: WHERE IS THE TRIFORCE OF COURAGE?! ~waves sword and zapper threateningly~

Golem: It was Ganon!

HH: Ha! HA! HAHAHA!

Zelda: Link, I think they're serious.

HH: I will gauge their seriosity with a duel! WHO WILL FIGHT ME?!

Golem: Pass.

GM: Pass.

Marin: Pass.

Thrakun: Pass.

Podley: Bugger.

~Podley pulls the top of his cane off to reveal A SWORD... somehow! He and HH charge at each other, but HH cheats and shoots Podley with the zapper OMG NO!~

Podley: Wot? I say old bean, you have to put a bit of the frost on me before I get hurt, eh?

HH: Zelda! Use an ice spell!

Zelda: I don't have magic!

HH: Bloody cartoon...

~HH and Podley trade clashing blows, shaking the entire palace. HH backflips over Podley for no real reason. Their weapons lock.~

HH: You fight well... for a... thing.

Podley: I say, how do you bloody fight with such a small saber?

HH: IT'S A BROADSWORD! ARGH!

~HH knocks Podley's cane out of his... grip? Podley shrugs (again ?) and latches onto HH's head.~

Zelda: No! Please!

Thrakun: We won't be sidin' with the likes o' ye, lassie! Ye vile, filthy, bloody elf woman on a cell phone! ~has to bite himself to not lunge at her~ RRRRRGGH!

Golem: Podley, wait!

Podley: ~lets go of HH, who collapses~

Golem: If Ganon stole the Triforce, where would he be now...?

Zelda: ~gasps~ Oh no! Daddy!

Golem: Group huddle!

~The group huddles while Zelda tends to HH.~

Golem: Let's help. I want to be a hero.

Thrakun: WE ARE NOT HELPING ELVES!

GM: I think we should help too. Maybe we'll get some lovin'.

Marin: And you'll stay away from Mom... YES HELP!

Podley: Do they serve good tea to heroes?

Golem: Best tea around.

Podley: We'll do it.

Thrakun: ~grinds teeth~

GORE-ILLA

*The Gang approaches Ganon's castle, surrounded by rivers of lava and insurance agents.*

GM: Alright gang, let's split up! I'll take the hot chick to the broom closet til I remember she's my daughter! Golem, being the intelligent and homely one, will go off alone and solve the case. Thrakun and Mr. Podley, I dunno, play in the backyard or something.

*The Gang, of course, follows without question. First Thrakun and Mr. Podley look around for stuff to kill.*

Thrakun: Behold, my double-decker Monlin supreme! (snaps the necks of several Moblins and crushes them between two rocks)

Mr. Podley: Good show, lad!

Thrakun: Now watch me get this Darknut!

*Thrakun approaches a Darknut and raises his axe to smite it, closing his eyes as he does so. But then Mr. Podley swoops in and kills it instead, and Thrakun's axe hits blank air.*

Thrakun: Huh? My enemy is "MIA"!

Mr. Podley: (unusually goofy chuckle) ...I do not understand the joke, good fellow.

*A Poe appears and boos at them.*

Thrakun: Zoinks!

Mr. Podley: (leaps onto Thrakun's head)

*The Poe, actually Old Man Rauru in a blanket, chases Thrakun and Mr. Podley around for a while in a well-coreographed musical chase scene until the record skips and the two are captured.*

*Elsewhere, Golem is looking through Ganon's library and all the books.*

Golem: Jinkies!

Stalfos: What the hell are you doing in here?

Golem: (thinks) C'mon Golem, this is your chance to prove you have some physical prowess... (turns around and runs off, but runs into a bookshelf that falls on him)

*Soon The Gang is held prisoner in Ganon's lair.*

Ganon: Foolish mortals! Do you really think you could defeat I, a giant pig?

GM: Well that was a waste of time.

Golem: Not entirely! I found out the criminal's true identity! That's right, it's none other than... (pulls Ganon's hood down) Ganon! I suspected this when I read a book saying "Ganon is an evil-ass dude seeking the pieces of the Triforce." So he did whatever he did to get this Triforce and keep us off his trail!

Ganon: And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling smelly nerds- wait, I already did get away with it! Who the hell do you think you are?

GM: Yeah, we've known all that for at least one post Golem.

Golem: I wanted to feel smart.

Masamune

Ganon: I suppose you're wondering how I did it.

~the OGers are now hanging over a boiling lake of lava~

Golem: Um. Kinda. How did this happen in one post?

Ganon: Not that! You're impending doom is just a side-effect of getting caught.

GM: Oh, so you mean how you defeated us? I figured you just used your military superioroty to beat us.

Ganon: Well... yes! But you forgot how I intricately tricked you into opening the seal on the Great Palace so I could grab the Triforce, obtaining ULTIMATE POWER! You may not be those fools Link and Zelda, but I'll still enjoy this!

Marin: MJ is still out there, he'll save us!

Golem: This is no time for jokes.

Marin: ... yeah...

~Meanwhiles, back at the Great Palace~

MJ: Hey guys, I'm back with the popcorn... oh, where did everyone go.

~several Bird Knights jump down from the ceiling~

MJ: Oh snap.

~Backwhiles with 'the Gang'~

Ganon: For dramatic effect, I'll release you all into the lava as soon as the full moon appears!

Full Moon: Hey guys! *appears*

~Before Ganon can release them, GM suddently turns back into a fairy. With his weight no longer holding them all in a awkward bundle, they begin to fall. Podley eventually realizes he doesn't have to fall and doesn't~

Podley: Brilliant!

~just then HH swings in and grabs all of them at once somehow, but it's so heavy that the support beam he's swinging from snaps~

Bowser: *suddenly grabs the rope Link is holding*

Golem: Bowser!?

Bowser: Shut up and climb!

~The OGers awkwardly climb over HH and up on to the ledge. Meanwhile, Ganon has flanked himself with Stalfos Knights~

Ganon: So. It's come to think, Link. You and me. Mano el mano. Man to man. Just you. Me. And my GUARDS!!!!!

~Stalfos Knights rush towards HH, who starts zapping them with his sword and gun. Bowser joins in and starts torching them with his fire breath. Zelda appears on a balcony and starts sniping knights with a bow. Thrakun starts climbing a stairway so he can go kill her. Podley finds Stalfos Knights to be at all untasty and starts beating them with a cane... somehow. Marin starts hitting the knights with her hammer, then gets kind of grossed out when they collapse. Golem just sorts of runs around to prevent getting bit by GM~

~Just then Peach starts descending from above floating down on her umbrella~

Peach: Wheee!

GM: *turns back to normal because the Moon goes behind a cloud* It's my babe!

~just then, Ganon and Peach see eachother~

Ganon: My goodness... what... unrivalled beauty.

Peach: What wonderful fashion sense... and great... deep... eyes.

Ganon/Peach: Where have you been all my life!?

~they both run towards eachother and embrace one another in a passionate kiss~

GM: *eye twitches* What.

Marin: Ewww!

HH: Well uh, I guess even Ganon needs a girl.

Bowser: Perhaps, BUT THAT'S MY GIRL! *charges at Ganon*

Ganon: Stand aside, my love. I'll defeat this knave. *traps Bowser in a magic bubble* I'll banish you to another dimension! *the bubble dissapears and Bowser dissapears to some other unnamed Game World, gasp!*

Podley: So, how about that tea now, wot?

Ganon: Oh help yourself. Forgive me, I have been so blinded! All this time, I wasn't looking for power... but love! I no longer need the Triforce. I have all I need now. *holds Peach close to him*

GM: Nooooo!

HH: So uh, Ganon... what will you now?

Ganon: I'm going to move in with my girlfriend, get a real job, and turn my life around. Come on, honey!

Peach: Oh you silly thing! ~teehee~

Golem: That's my line!

~Ganon and Peach both dissapear in a magic bubble, returning to the Mushroom Kingdom~

Marin: No! My dad is Mario, this is all wrong!

GM: At least you being half pig will make up for it. *turns around* Hey, you're not half pig yet!

Golem: Maybe all the pig went into MJ.

~Meanwhile, back at the Great Palace~

MJ: Don't hurt me!!! *suddenly turns into PIG MJ, which more or less looks like a Moblin of the Mario fandom*

Bird Knight: Whoa dude, chill. We're totally cool with the moblin types, yo. Respect.

MJ: *looks at self* I'm a freak!

Bird Knight: Only in your head, man. You only are what you are in your heart, am I right friends?

~other bird knights agree~

MJ: I have to get to Hyrule and figure out why this is happening!

Bird Knight: We'll give you a ride, then.

~The scene returns to the destroyed village from before~

Zelda: *uses the Triforce to make the Warp Pipe appear, as well as the village return to normal*

Thrakun: Wench, ye undid all me hard work!

Zelda: I'd thank you for returning Hyrule to peace and ridding us of Ganon, but I hate you all more than words can describe and never want to see you again.

Golem: Fair enough. *jumps in pipe*

Thrakun: One day I'll return and KILL YE ALL! *jumps in pipe*

Podley: Your tea is atrocious! So I bid you a foul farewell! *floats into pipe*

GM: At least Mushroom World doesn't really have a Full Moon... I think. *jumps in pipe*

Marin: I wonder what happened to MJ... oh well! *jumps in*

HH: Well princess, Hyrule is saved. Kiss me!

Zelda: Yes, which means you're fired.

HH: What!?

Zelda: You heard me. Now get away from me, creep.

HH: Well... fine! *jumps in pipe*

Zelda: Finally! Link, Ganon, and my father out of the way. Hyrule is mine!

MJ: *runs up* Where is everyone!?

Zelda: AIEEEE!!!! Guards, get him!

MJ: No, I'm not evil! *jumps in pipe*

Zelda: ... okay, guards? Have that thing nailed up, I don't want ANYTHING ever coming out of there again.

Golem

Guard: What do you want us to do with this epilogue, Princess?

EPILOGUE:
Well, Zelda hooked up with some showy prince, they got married, then adopted a son. Their son stumbled upon the Triforce one day and wished Hyrule to be flooded. You try living with the name "Zeldo."

Character - Actor
Bowser - Danny Wells
Bowser 102 - Danny Wells
Golem - Lou Albano
GM (Giuseppe Masteri) - Danny Wells
Hammer Bros - Abott and Costello
Koopas - Fire Dept. Ladder 58
Luigi - Hunnid-P
Marin - Bar Wench #415
Mario - Marlon Saunders
Storyteller - Danny Wells
Thrakun - Lou Albano

Everyone else in this story was a figment of your imagination.

Zelda: You forgot that Podley was John Cleese!

Pages in the Some Fanventures Trilogy Archive

Vol 1. (1 - 2) - Vol 2. (1 - 2) - Vol 3. (1 - 2)