Story:What Lies Beneath

You've just stumbled into a trap, and how unlucky for you, as you'll now have to read What Lies Beneath in it's entirety! HA HA HA HA! *Ahem* May we begin?

• OG is spell checked... somewhat.

Chapter 1: The Outset

Director

~5 months after the events of Epic Dino~

~Mariorocks walks through a dark hallway~

Mariorocks: Where am.. I?

???: Who are you?

Mariorocks: I'm...I don't know who I am.

???: Perhaps it is time...YOU FOUND OUT! AHAHHAH! HAHHAHA!! HAHAHHA!!!

~Mariorocks wakes up in a cold sweat~

Mariorocks: Where am I?!

Director: Oh, you're awake, good.

Mariorocks: Ugh, I must have had a bad dream.

Director: Must have. So anyway I-

~Director takes a sip of Sprite and starts to cough on something~

Mariorocks: Whats going on?

Director: ~Ackackkakck~

~Mariorocks kicks Director, he coughs up a bottle cap~

Mariorocks: Whoa, you swallowed that!

Director: ~nods woozily~

Mariorocks: Heh, theres a contest, lets see if we won anything.

Director: Ok.

Mariorocks: Nope nothing-

~Time freezes momentarily~

~A man walks up smoking a cigarette, he puts it out, then swaps bottle caps with him. He leaves, and then time starts again~

Mariorocks: Ah well, so- WOAH!

Director: What is it?

Mariorocks: WE WON TICKETS ON A CRUISE SHIP!!

Mariorocks

Director: Awesome! Where to?

~Nintendofreak tries to read the super small text of the bottle cap~

Nintendofreak: It says...We get a free trip to the Bermuda Triangle!!!

Director: The Bermuda Triangle??!! I...I've heard stories of that place...

Nintendofreak: What kind of stories?

Director: I heard...That the chicks there were HOT!!

Nintendofreak: Yeah! Let's "Do Bermuda"!

Director: Let's go tell Orter and get to the pier!

~Meanwhile at McCheeseburger's~

Cashier: Yeah, I need 20 super ultimate bacony cheese taco combos with some curly fries!

Orter: Yessir!

~Orter hands a customer a plate overflowing with bacon-cheese tacos~

Customer: I loves me some tacos!

~The customer eats all the tacos in one bite~

Orter: That has to be unhealthy...

Customer: Oh no, I've been doing that for years, I'm perfectly healthy!

~The customer then falls over, dead~

Orter: Yes, you look very healthy.

Cashier: Alright Orter, take em' out back!

Orter: What for?

Cashier: For tomorrows' special!

Orter: Gross!

~Orter drags the corpse to the back of the restaurant and two figures jump out at him~

Orter: ALIEN!

Nintendofreak: WHERE?! HIDE ME!!

~Nintendofreak gets into the fetal position and starts sucking his thumb~

Director: Guess what.

Orter: What?

Director: Guess!

Orter: I just did.

Director: Well guess something ELSE.

Orter: But I'm afraid to-

~Nintendofreak is still in the fetal position~

Nintendofreak: So. Dark. So. ALIEN!!

Director: ...Aaaanyway, we won a cruise to the Bermuda Triangle!

Orter: Cool!

Director: The boat leaves in 5 minutes.

Orter: 5 minutes?! But it takes 6 minutes to get to the pier!

Director: To the Director-mobile!

Orter: You mean your van?

Director: Right!

~Director runs to his van in the parking lot and starts it. Orter throws Nintendofreak who is still in the fetal position into the back while Orter hops into the passenger seat. The Van speeds away, right past a police car~

Sheriff: There goes them OG boys! Let's get em' Scooter!

~The officer looks at his pet mutant ant who screeches as the Sheriff's car speeds after the van~

Nintendofreak: Oh no! We got the fuzz on us!

Orter: What does that even mean?!

Nintendofreak: I don't know!

~The van takes a shortcut through a marketplace hitting fruit and vegetable stalls and almost flattening pedestrians. And eggplant lands on Director's lap~

Director: Just in time, I was getting hungry!

~Director takes a bite out of the eggplant while Orter and Nintendofreak look in disgust~

Director: ~Speaks with ice cream in his mouth, spewing it all over his teammates~ Want some?

~Director holds the eggplant up to Orter's face who throws up out the window. Orter's "spewage" lands on the Sheriff's wind-shield~

Sheriff: Ah! Them OG boys blinded me!

~The Sheriff's car swerves and crashes into a fruit stand~

Sheriff: I'll get ya' OG boys!

Nintendofreak: Well that took care of hi-WOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Orter: Why did you do that?

Nintendofreak: Oh, I'm practicing my comic scream.

Orter: Oh that makes sen-WOOOOOOOOOAAAAHHHH!!!!!

~The van hits the side of a fruit stall and swerves onto the pier, it then drives over a mound of dirt and soars through the air onto the vacation ship~

Nintendofreak: Well that was fun, let's "Do Bermuda"!

~The ship captain walks up to the trio, he is a tall fuzzy mean wearing an ocean blue captain's jacket, a skipper's hat and a clown mask. He's also smoking a pipe~

Captain IT: Good day chaps, I'll be showing you to your rooms eh, wot?

Nintendofreak: This is very strange.

Director: You mean the fact that the captain is obviously IT?

Nintendofreak: No, the fact that they have no free buffet.

Director: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director

Captain IT: Well gents... wait, I forgot.

Director: What did you forget?

Captain IT: TICKETS, OF COURSE!

Director: Shrack.

Captain IT: Ticket Check...lesse, 1, 2- HEY WHERES YER THIRD TICKET?!

Director: ...Hiding.

Captain IT: Well, I'm afraid one of you has to go.

Mariorocks: Orter will.

Director: Yeah, I volunteer Orter.

Orter: I second tha- wait wait, what?!

Director: ~Pats Orter on the shoulder playfully~ Enjoy not being in this OG, pal!

Orter: WAIT! WAIT!

~Captain IT grabs Orter and throws him out of the boat~

Captain IT: Now that that's settled, let me show you to your rooms.

Director: Ok.

IT: Take their bags... First mate!

???: AYE AYE!

Director: It's IT'S...!

Mariorocks Who is it?

Director: ~Shrugs~ I dunno.

Cthulu: I AM CTHULU, SQUID DEMON!!

Director: Um, ok.

IT: Ah we are exactly 5 posts from the Triangle boys!

Retro Belmont

~Retro wakes up to another day in eternal damnation. His morning newspaper and a cup of coffee rest there on a floating end table. The air around him was constantly changing, and the sky and ground were each displaying a type of what he assumed were videos of things happening now or in the past, or maybe the future. He couldn't tell though. It's impossible to even know how much time has passed while in Damnation. Well this was normally the case, but Retro had wrestled a calender from some Pig man who glitches uncontrollably while flying into the voids of emptiness. He marked off the days that passed by unwaveringly. Five months today.~

Retro: Maybe it is the rampaging demons, the dread of desolation and insanity creeping in, or the fact that I've been forced to re-live every part of my life which I hate through a series of painful brainwashings, but a guy can really learn to hate this place.

~A crazy looking man with blue skin popps in front of Retro. His body is draped in ragged clothing, and his facial hair is pure white and covered most of his face, except for his large nose, which looked like a bald head coming out of a bush or something.~

???: An' yer not evn' to te best part, heh heh heh! (Starts hitting his head against an imaginary wall). They havenn' gotten te meh yet though.

Retro: I'll keep that in mind.

???: And make sure what you just kept in mind doesn't leak out son, because I ain't real neither!

~Whoever was talking to Retro suddenly vanished. Retro rubs his eyes disbelievingly, he had to get out of there soon, but he knew he couldn't.~

Retro: If I ever get outta' here, I'll be sure to pay my visit to my old friends. Maybe get them a gift too. One that explodes or maybe gouges their eyes out when they open it. ~Rubs his hands together menacingly~

??? #2: Except you really want to go along with them, don't you?

Retro: Another excellent hallucination. No wait, you're not on fire this time. Who are you?

??? #2: Call me whatever you wish, I have no purpose in this broken place other than to make people remember who they are and why they are here.

Retro: Can I call you Hampton?

??? #2: No. On second thought don't call me anything. Now as I was saying, you aren't who you think you are.

Retro: Who should I think I am? Because I'm thinking I am pretty crazy right about now.

??? #2: Do you know why you are here?

Retro: That's easy. Director kicked me in the face, so I fell in here.

??? #2: Alright, alright. I'm gonna stop asking you questions and just tell you about it myself. Those pixels you still have on are evil.

Retro: What do my Pixels have anything to do with anything?

??? #2: P.exe.l gave you something terrible, but it was a gift, you could say.

Retro: Wait, I can explain. It all started in my childhood, I was always neglected, and-

??? #2: Sorry, I'm not really interested in hearing that one. All I know is that you're lazy and didn't really give a damn at the time. But everyone can change. And that means even a lazy bastard like you can change too.

Retro: So I really am evil.

??? #2: In a sense, you are. Truly, truly evil. You wanted nothing but power and to hurt things and little animals just to get that power. However, P.exe.l's power feeds off of the worst in us, and you just so happened to have a troubled life.

Retro: A troubled past eh? Doesn't every RPG character have one of those?

??? #2: This is also true.

Retro: It all makes sense now. But does this mean I can change...(back) to goodness? Not that I want to.

??? #2: Everything takes time. But I think your mind might change when I show you what's next in store for you.

Retro: Just let me mark this on my calendar, then we can go.

??? #2: Time waits for no man. Come now or spend the rest of the day doing what you always do. And I KNOW WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO.

Retro: Right. Coming.

Fred of the Bed

~Mast-while...~

Orter: Where's the kaboom? I mean the splash, of course.

Fred: Off coarse.

Orter: You!

Fred: Me!

Orter: Where's the other, you know...

Fred: Fred... Fred is dead. He was a good man. A unique man, who could never be replaced. I will avenge his confusing death, with these weapons. That I left at home oh god

Orter: What are we on, anyways?

Fred: BEHOLD(ER)! 4 TON TASTE REVELATION, SET FORTH ON DELICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES AND CIRCUMCISIONS OR HOWEVER IT IS SPELLED!

~Under Fred's feet, a fantastic four-point-five-man submarine surfaces I guess~

Fred: With this, we can get revenge on Mariorocks and the purple guy and I guess Retro though I liked his Power Thrills

Orter: Wow! How did you find this fantastic submarine?

Fred: I didn't JERK. I just

Fred: Woke up on top of it one morning

Orter: Just talk in one sentence please

Fred: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO ORTER

Orter: Sort of, we haven't met really. actually what happened to my shi-

Fred: I DON'T EITHER OKAY LET'S TAKE THIS SUBMARINE

~Fred rips the hatch off of the thing and he and Orter jump in FUNFAIR STYLE~

Fred: What did I just do

Orter: No one is even driving this thing! It must be controlled by remote. Maybe if I can reverse the polarity...

Fred: Listen just help me smash stuff alright

Orter: Yeah, that sounds like more fun.

~Orter hits the power box with a chair to no effect~

Fred: Good thinking, but you've got to put some Elbow grease into it!

~Fred wrings his elbow out and grease smears on the box, shorting it out~

Orter: It just struck me that being in here is maybe not the best decision in the world.

~Suddenly, the submarine lurches and begins to sink. Water begins to spill in through the top and it sinks faster~

Orter: You didn't need to rip the top off! You could have just opened the door!

Fred: There were periodic lines around it! It was an easy-rip submarine, okay!?

Orter: Okay, we'll just launch from the torpedo tubes into the cruise ship or something. Stay calm.

Fred: There's no Tubes left. Did you eat the last one?

Orter: What? There's always torpedo tubes in the movies glbubglbgu

Fred: Captains and Orters first!

~Fred tosses Orter out of the sinking submarine and grabs on and they fly through an open porthole into a room with two sailors~

Robotnik over TV: We can still monitor their every move

Sailors: Yes, sir, we know.

Robotnik: I'M DOCTOR ROBOTNIK I KNOW TWICE.

Sailors: Well, now that we're on the cruise ship and in disguise, it'll be a pokemon snap to kill Director and MariofreakrocksNintendo. And Mariorocks.

Robotnik: Just DON'T SCREW IT UP (spits out of screen and then turns the screen off)

Orter: Listen, this is perfect.

Fred: Me too

Orter: We'll take their costumes!

Fred: OUR FISTS!

~Orter snaps one neck and Fred just unleashes a punch that crushes the head into nothing and two robots die and they're dead not deactivated DEAD~

Fred: Oh

GORE-ILLA

Director: I hope Cthultu doesn't et Lovecroft juice all over my bags.

Mariorocks: Maybe it's the Justice League version that killed Solomon Grundy.

Director: Dude, let's explore the ship.

Mariorocks: Sounds like a plan, Eggplant Man!

~Mariorocks and Director head over to the cruise ship's elevator and make travel down into the lower decks.~

Director: I got a baaaad feeling about this!

Mariorocks: Shut up, I'm your master!

Director: Nuh-huh, I'm the boss!

Maiorocks: Who's the boss?

Director: Let's get out here. Something about this floor intrigues me.

~They get out to find a boxing ring where two fat Mexican dudes are boxing. One pulls a knife from his glove and shanks the other.~

Referee: The winner, once again, Rodalgo "The Devil" Rodriguez!

Director: Wait, this might be where my bad feeling is coming from, let's go back upstairs-

Mariorocks: Ooh look, a monkey!

~They see a mechanical ape counting cash.~

GORE: Heh heh... quite a successful business I have running here!

Mariorocks: What... is this legal?

GORE: No, not in places with laws. We're currently in international waters! Anything goes! Including Illegal Fat Mexican Boxing with Knives.

Director: But according to this flight plan, we're still in America's waters.

GORE: ...Then you know too much and both must die. I'll show you why they call me the GOREfather!

~Director and Mariorocks attempt to flee, but GORE picks up a barrel and rolls it along the ground, knocking them both over.~

GORE: Kids, youse ain't going nowhere! You're gonna fight in my boxing ring until there's nothing left of you to keep on fighting!

Mariorocks: Wesa in deep doo-doo, Annie!

Masamune

GORE: It's time for your first challenger! But first! COMMERCIAL BREAK.

~Commercial Break~

Mariorocks: Do diodes give you pain?

Marvin: Oh yes.

Mariorocks: Sucks to be you!

~end commercial break~

GORE: We're BACK IN MANHATTAN I MEAN MEXICO MAYBE. Or just wherever we were just now. To start this fight.

Director: Weak.

GORE: Straight from the mean streets of Podunk, USA... it's the EVERMORE KID! HOLY SHOE!

Mariorocks: There's two of us. But I'm a human/ghost/clone thing, so.

GORE: Oh cocky huh? We'll make it DOUBLE THE BRAWL! Bring in EL MUNDO!

~A guy who is not Masamune walks in with a Mexican Wrestler mask~

El Mundo: EL MUNDO GONNA HURT YOU REEEEEL GUDDO. How is my Mexican accent working for you, amigos?

Mariorocks/Director: Not really/Could be better

El Mundo: Oh! Now you have ANGERED EL MUNDO! Now I am being having to crushing your head!

GORE: Go my children. Crush them.

Evermore Kid: This reminds me of Attack of the Veggie Plumbers!

~suddenly the arena rises up through the ground and surrounded by millions of fans, including Vivid who isn't HELPING AT ALL, jeez~

GORE: GENTLEMEN AND NOT GENTLEMEN! I give you the fight you didn't pay for! But a warm up fight free of charge!

Crowd: ~Erupts in sombreros~

GORE: In one corner... a two man team! The Director - who doesn't even have a profile at IMDB... and Mariorocks... who is... not... a minion. Hm. ~tosses away cue card~ But reasonably well known!

Crowd: ~Boos~

GORE: In the other corner... EL MUNDO! Champion of the RING! And his sidekick, the EVERMORE KID!

Crowd: ~Catches on fire but is okay~

Mariorocks: I thought we just beat people up.

Director: This is as fair as the fair in fair weather when fairness can pay a fare to see phare.

Mariorocks: Phare?

Director: It's in Canada perhaps I dunno.

El Mundo: CANADA IS A POONY COUNTRY *bites Director's back*

Director: MY EGGPLANT JUICES!

Evermore Kid: Taste femur, fanboy! *stuffs a femur through Mariorocks* Wow, this is just liked the Haunted Restaurant from Timber Street.

Mariorocks: I loooove being a turtle. Ghost. Turtle. GHOST.

Director: A little help here?

El Mundo: ~Swallows Director~ Oh! Mucho tasty, senor! But now I hunger for seasoning!

Mariorocks: Oh snap. What do I do?

~Pause~

GORE: If you'd like Mariorocks to punch Mundo and make him spit out Director, text message whatbeneath1. If you'd like Mariorocks to use Evermore Kid as a blunt weapon, text message whatbeneath2. If you'd like to see Mariorocks break into a musical number, text message whatbeneath3.

~Pause ensues~

~Music kicks in~

Mariorocks: The child without a name grew up to be the hand To watch you, to shield you or kill on demand The choice he´d made he could not comprehend His blood a grim secret they had to command

~Grabs Evermore kid and twirls him around like a bo staff~

He´s torn between his honor and the true love of his life He prayed for both but was denied

~Breaks Evermore kid in two and takes his femur as he tosses the boy away~

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind? So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise? Will all our sins be justified?

~Tries to punch El Mundo but trips and falls~

El Mundo: POONY AMERI-KANNO. You get tripped! HAR HAR HAR.

Mariorocks: That Eggplant was made in New York City.

El Mundo: NEW YORK CITY!!! *kaffs up Director* AMERI-KANNO FILTH!

Director: I AM MANIFEST ONCE MORE.

Mariorocks: Yield!

El Mundo: Sure, why not.

GORE: No! No! Fight them! Kill them El Mundo!

El Mundo: Okay.

Director: No don't!

El Mundo: Well if you insist...

GORE: DESTROY THEM!

El Mundo: If you say so-

Mariorocks: NO DON'T KILL US.

Director: ~Jumps on GORE and holds his mouth shut~

El Mundo: Sounds like a plan. I shall be a father like no other.

Director

Director: WOAH, WOAH, HOLD IT!

GORE: ~Holds it~

Director: CAP'N! CAP'N! SMUGGLERS!!

GORE: Tattle tale.

IT: What be this!

Director: He's smuggling fat Mexican boxers in here.

IT: HOLD IT! ...WE SEEM TO HAVE ARRIVED.

Director: Where?

IT: The triangle.

~boosh rumprumblbumbllburnrumble~

Director: Um.

GORE: OH NOES, THE FAT MEXICANS ARE TOO FAT!

~booshrumbarumamburmbkle~

Abbots: Aye carumba!

~boopsgfjghbujfoehfuieu~

Mariorocks: Whats going on here-

~A gigantic, 789 foot long leviathan breaks the ships hull, swallowing the two boxers whole~

GORE: Didn't see that coming-

~The Leviathan breaches the entire ships hull, water swishes in~

Director: Boats are as dangerous as UFOs.

~The ship is completely engulfed with water~

Mariorocks: ~blublubgibblub~

Director: ~blubblubbloobblub~

~Director and Mariorocks faint~

GORE: ~gubblegibbabooble~

~GORE faints~

IT: STIRRING GOOD LAUGH, EH WOT?

~IT is eaten by the leviathan~

--2 hours later--

Director: ~Wakes up~ Where are we...?

Mariorocks: ~Still K.O'ed~

Director: ~Sighs~ Hey...we're at a lighthouse.

~Director drags Mariorocks inside~

Director: Place is dark.

~Gigantic lights turn on~

Director: Much better!

~The walls are oozing with sea sludge, Director walks further down, dragging Mariorocks with him, suddenly a light flares on a banner~

Director: What does it say?

'NO KINGS OR GODS, JUST MAN'

Director: Place is getting a little scary...hey, what's this?

~Director walks up to a bathysphere~

Director: I don't like this place...but I don't see any other way out of this ocean.

???: So I see that you made it.

Director: Huh?!

~But no one was there.~

Director: Uh.

????: I had a husband once, where is he? Where. Is. He? WHERE IS HE?!

Director: Holy shrack! What is that!?

~A woman descends from the ceiling with rusty claws~

Woman: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, RYAN?!

Director: What the!?

~The womans slams Director with her claws into the bathysphere, then throws Mariorocks into the bathysphere as well~

woman: WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME, ITS MY ADAM- ITS MINE- ITS MINE!!

~The woman send the bathysphere down down, to the bottom of the ocean...a film clip starts playing in the bathysphere~

Chapter 2: Descent

Mariorocks

~A blonde haired man wearing a white suit and expensive looking glasses appears on the screen~

Clyde: Snake? It's been a while.

Director: It's Bob Barker!

Clyde: I'm not Bob Barker.

Nintendofreak: This dude can hear us?

Clyde: No I can't hear you!

Nintendofreak: Then how are you responding to me?!

Clyde: I am not!

Nintendofreak: Whatever...

Clyde: Aaaaaaanyway, welcome to 'I Can't Believe It's Not Rapture', we call it that for copyright reasons...This place is an under sea paradise, we have food, water, and the best carnivals ever! It's all thanks to ADAM.

Nintendofreak: Sounds gay.

Clyde: Do I look like SOAP to you?

Nintendofreak: No, but he'll be in this OG, he's scarier than Micheal Jackson at a Barny festival.

Clyde: This is true.

~The bathysphere suddenly stops and a hatch on the side opens up to a strange city-like area, but it's strange, there are no cars, no people, broken windows and flickering neon lights, it's eerily quiet.~

Nintendofreak: Director, I want you to define "paradise" for me.

Fred of the Bed

Director: He said this is a utopia, so let's give it a try!

Mariorocks: You're serious.

(The two suddenly run into two familiar people in sailor suits)

Fred: WE ARE THE SAILOR SCOUTS

Orter: I don't think this is the time or the place for that.

Fred: Yeah probably not huh HUH

Orter: Listen, maybe if we work with these guys, we can get out of here.

Fred: Maybe if we get hungry we can kill them and eat them. Like we're killing them whenever their back in turned, whether we're hungry at that moment or not.

Orter: Uh, fair enough. Speak of the devil.

Devil: HEY SHUT UP

Director: Do we know you?

Fred: Of course!

Mariorocks: They look like those guys that probably want us dead. It's an uncanny resemblance.

Orter: Oh, but we're of course not those people. We are hardworking sailors who are stuck with you

Mariorocks: Gay sailors are gay

Fred: Why don't you say that to your cervi-

Orter: Yup! Nothing like anyone who wants you dead, except for a purely coincidental appearance!

Mariorocks: Well, we were just going to relax for a bit and enjoy paradise.

Fred: What a coincidence! I was going to wait until you were relaxed and then wring your-

Orter: Towels! Flud here's a really handy guy! You brought beach towels, right?

Mariorocks: Flud, huh? What's your name.

Orter: I'm Orter Tnoml- errrr

Director: Well, it's nice to meet you, Orter Tnoml- errrr and Flud. I'm Director, and this is Mariorocks/Nintendofreak/Blaine Sandalcenter.

~Flud and Orter Tnoml- errrr have joined the party!~

Mariorocks: ALRIGHT IT'S TIME TO FREAKING RELAX

(Women come out with pistols)

Women: Whoever's writing this post only saw a bit of the game so you'll have to make shit up as you go along

Director: What? Why are you telling us this?

Women: Huahahahahahaha!

(The women all burst into a mess of flames and blood. A stench fills the air)

Orter: Well. You don't see that every day.

Fred: Hold me.

Director: Well, we can't let that ruin our relaxation. This city has to have a public pool somewhere, right?

(as they leave, the blood and guts forms into a solid shape, organically fused with the many pistols dropped, and follows them at an outstanding pace for something so wretched-looking.)

Director: This city is so dirty. We'll have to go talk to the tourism department, later.

Orter: Can we even leave here?

Director: SHUT UP. Why would you want to leave paradise?

Mariorocks: What if we have to get jobs here?

Orter: ...exactly! There's no room for a sailor in an underwater city! We've got to get out of here!

Director: Relaaax. We'll find a fry cook place. No big deal.

(the four are accosted by a man with a knife.)

man: So... hungry. I need... Adam.

Mariorocks: Gaaaay

Fred: Hey bud here's a bottle cap make a job outta it

Director: He's an addict, guys, stop giving him such a hard time and just kick him already

man: I've got a knife! I'll cut your eyes out!

Mariorocks: So

man: You guys are nuts, but I'm delirious. Hee heahahaharharhaurahrahrharhaurharuahruarharAHRARhayRAHRAUHRAURHAHRAUHRAUHRAURHARUAAHAHAHA

Director: Do you know how to get to the pool?

Fred: Do you know the muffin man

Man: That... that's what they called me in a previous life. A life without Adam. But I have it now... YES

(The man's eyes bulge out of his face, and his teeth instantly sharpen as his arms course with electricity and sparks his the ground. His arms bulge from their sockets, and he staggers towards the four)

Orter: I'd like to physically abuse this guy like any other decent person, but I don't think this is going to end out well for us.

Director: I agree. But this I promise: Before this is over, weird guy, we're gonna kick you. A lot.

(The four split and dodge as bolts of electricity spout forth from the man's arms, charring the ground seriously. He then turns to finish them off, but Mariorocks nails him in the face with a chunk of debris. The four make off with lives but unfortunately their dreams of kicking the man are dashed for the moment)

Director: I couldn't even kick him! I'm beginning to think this isn't paradise at all!

Fred: Keep the faith. Lock it in a box and bury it in a secret place. Someone will find it and mail it into the past.

(They make it to a half-destroyed billboard map of their particular suburb)

Orter: There doesn't seem to be any public pools around here. Oh well you tried so-

Director: WE tried. And while there's no pool, there's a water treatment facility! We'll just go swimming there.

Mariorocks: Yeah, make the best of the situation!

Orter: Do you even know what that is?

Director/Mariorocks: No

Orter: Me neither. Let's go!

Fred: Hang on.

Mariorocks: What's up, F.L.U.D.D.?

(Fred grabs Mariorocks by the throat and holds him to the wall)

Fred: Listen you make one more crack like that and you'll never see your grandma again

Mariorocks: My grandma's dead

Fred: unless it's in lingerie. You should really let people finish their sentences.

(Fred throws Mariorocks onto the ground)

Director: What was that all about? Anyone who treats Nintendofreak like that has to treat ME like that, too!

Orter: He's just sensitive about his name, alright! Hold off! Time out!

(Meanwhile)

man: this electric knife throw will do it. The eggplant's ADAM... it's mine... all mine...

(the man is crushed under tendon and flesh. His body is absorbed into the beast of flesh. Electricity courses through it's arms, as a knife sticks out of the end of its hand.)

Director

Man: ITS MY ADAM, MINE YOU HEAR? I EARNED IT, I LOVE RYAN, YOU AREN'T MY MASTER YOU SICK SHRACKS.

Man: But hey-

Man: I.

~A hulking monster walks bye, wearing an old style diving suit~

Monster: ADAMADAMADAM, GIVE ME THE GIRL, SHE WILL FEED ADAM YES JUST A LITTLE...

???: GET HIM MR BUBBLES.

~The monsters shoots a large rivet gun, and the mans head suddenly explodes~

???: Thanks Mr. Bubbles.

~The Big Daddy walks into the suburb, but the little sister doesn't follow~

Little sister: Adam.

~The little sister stabs the dead carcass with her needle~

---

Fred: This suburb is boring.

Director: Well we have to walk to the freaking water treatment facility, we're almost there-

Machine: STRONG AS HERCULES, FAST AS LIGHTNING, PLASMIDS, EVOLVE TODAY!

Director: This looks like fun.

Mariorocks: Yeah really, I-

~The machine breaks down, a bottle of fire plasmid comes out~

---

~GORE and El Mundo wash up on a deserted island~

GORE: What happened?

El Mundo: We were mucho sunk.

Mariorocks

~Back to our hopeless heroes~

Director: So...what is it?

~Nintendofreak picks up the bottle of plasmids~

Nintendofreak: Looks like some kind of weird soda.

~Nintendofreak chugs half of the bottle~

Director: How's it taste?

Nintendofreak: It tastes...spicy?

Director: Spicy? Let me see.

~Nintendofreak chugs the rest of the bottle~

Nintendofreak: Oh, sorry man, all gone.

Director: . . .

Nintendofreak: Ugh, I feel strange...

Director: Like that's anything new?

~Nintendofreak clutches his chest~

Director: Hey, it was just a joke, man.

Nintendofreak: No, I got some major heart burn!

~A ragged unwashed man walks up with a bat in his hand~

Man: Give me your ADAM!

Nintendofreak: Oh, hello Mr. Hobo!

~Nintendofreak raises his arm to wave at the man but flames jet from Nintendofreak's fingertips and incinerate the man~

Director: How rude, he didn't even wave back.

Orter: You two don't find it strange that Nintendofreak just shot flames from his hand?

Fred: I wouldn't worry about it after I wring his neck!

~Nintendofreak points his hand at Fred~

Nintendofreak: What was that?

~Fred quickly grabs Orter and uses him as a human shield~

Fred: I said I like the look of that deck okay.

~Fred points to a broken down pier with corpses piled on it~

Nintendofreak: *Putting his hand down* Oh, me too.

~A man with an egg-shaped head with bizzed hair and a jacket jumps out of an alley~

Big Daddy: “Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.”

Nintendofreak: So THIS is a Big Daddy?

~A hole opens up in the man's stomach, the man turns around and sees a very large man in a huge old-fashioned diving suit holding a large gun, the holed man then dies~

Director: No, THAT is a Big Daddy!

Orter: Oh shoe!

~The Big Daddy closes in on the four~

Fred of the Bed

(On this installment of What Lies Beneath, our dashing divers find themselves face to face with a terrible fiend of a metallic monster! Indeed, he's just come from killing a man in cold blood and now they stare into his souless helm, perhaps counting down the seconds to their doom!

In this week's episode, Director is voiced by Repus the Turk, Nintendofreak is voiced by Weekday Window, Orter is voiced by Kaiser Bear XII, Fred, known to our heroes as Flud is voiced by an eraser and bits of telephone wire, The Big Daddy Mr Bubbles is voiced by Microsoft Sam, The little sister is voiced by Beyonce Knowles and special guest characters are voiced by Big al, Flambe Tarcher, and Andromeda.

This episode was written by Author F', and is presented in partnership with www.gamehiker.com.)

Orter: What was that?

Director: What was what?

Orter: Look up.

(Director looks up and sees the text of what he just heard over an old-timey radio but ignored)

Director: Okay.

Orter: Isn't that a bit strange?

Mariorocks: Isn't it a bit strange that we're talking about this and there's that guy in front of us in a huge metal suit?

Fred: NOT AT ALL OR MY NAME ISN'T... SAILOR VENUS

Director: Well your name is Sailor Venus this checks out I guess.

Orter: Yeah. Don't interrupt me. Now, we could use the radio to try to contact for a way out of here and... what are you doing, Mariorocks.

(The radio bursts into flames as Mariorocks shakes out his sleepy hand)

Mariorocks: What is who doing?

Director: Alright, then. Let's get back to the issue at hand.

Mariorocks: I'm not su- YOU MEAN THAT HUGE METAL THING WITH THE GUN WHOA

Director: No, he's number two on our priorities list. We need to somehow dispose of this eggplant ice cream with real eggplant in it. Into our stomachs.

Orter: Uh... Director, I think you've got a problem. You're addicted to cannibalism. You should seek help.

Director: I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT (licks ice cream)

Fred: TwannggggI think you've got a problem with him having a problem, and I have a problem with that and three lefts make a right so there you go.

Big Daddy: Hold up Gs

Orter: What do you want huh

Big Daddy: Nothin

Director: Yeah shove off

Mariorocks: no good punk

Fred: Take off eh

Director: Wait a second.

Mariorocks: What Flud just said right now.

Fred: What aboot it?

Big Daddy: CANADIAN!

Fred: Ben oui I mean no way shut up

Little sister: These guys are scary Mr. Bubbles

Big Daddy: Do you live in a snowglobe

Fred: Do you live in a waterglobe oh right I'm seeing that with my eyes which are attached to my optical receptors I keep forgetting

Orter: I feel betrayed. I touched him. Where's a sink? I need to wash my hands!

Fred: Guys I'm not Canadian I'm a vampire blaarhh eh

Little sister: CANALIEN!

Fred: Okay that's it come on now you all have to die

(the Big Daddy holds up his gun and Mariorocks holds up his flaming arm and Director pulls a six shooter out of his coat pocket even though he is not wearing a coat and Orter pulls the sword of truth out of a nearby building and the weapons are all pointed at Fred)

Fred: Right Director why'd you have to go and say that nobody has to die come on man

Fred: come on

Fred: c'monnnn

Director: No one except the BIG DADDY THAT IS (throws his gun at Big Daddy's head, putting a tiny dent in the helmet)

Big Daddy: BIG DADDY TAKING HITS RETREAT (Grabs Little Sister and books it)

Orter: I think this Sword of truth may be detective

Sword: Water is really taupe-coloured OJ simpson didn't kill his wife or kid Jews did 9/11

Mariorocks: Nonsense that all is sound and truthfull information obviously

Sword: This is paradise (combusts)

Director: See? This is definitely paradise. To the water treatment facility!

everyone: woo

Director: Except not Fred I don't want Canadian getting in the water and contaminating it

Fred: That was a skillfull ruse and you know it buddy now let's go get kraft dinner eh wot

RANDOM ENCOUNTER

Shiki Zombies (xCool!

ACTION?

Attack Talk Flee

Director: What zombies I don't believe in zombies stop this foolishness

Orter: Obviously there has to be zombies man.

Director: There were no zombies in the last OG

Mariorocks: LET'S GET IT ON

(The zombies all are wearing leather jackets and pull out bloody switchblades maybe even Witchblades but I sure hope not)

Director: It's time to show these no good zombie punks up... Carnival style.

Mariorocks: YEAH.

Orter: Yeah did you maybe notice the knives oh whatever hi-yar

(The zombies quickly stab them a couple times before Mariorocks can burn half of them to a crisp)

Fred: This is nothin' I eat knife wounds fer breakfast (eats one of his knife wounds and it recovers)

Director: Quick eat ours

Fred: hahahahahahrahahahahahrhahahahahaahahahrahrarhahrahraRAHRHARHARHARHAHRAHAAHRHAHARAHAHRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHARHAHRAHR AHRAHRHARAHRHAR

no

Orter: Well at least eat mine

Fred: No (punches bodies off the other zombies easily). I'm afraid I have to leave you to die. Of death.

Director: I think... not! (Director raises his gun towards Fred and fires, only for something unseen to deflect it)

Fred: Yes I forgot to mention I've accumulated some new allies through the myspace group "stuck in Rapture underwater crap help".

(Three SPECIAL GUEST STARS and by that I mean characters emerge from a building)

Fred: This is Juice the man-juicer

Juice: I am not a man juicer I just have lightning powers and

Fred: Man-juicer okay anyways this is Fortuna who is skilled with guns or something

Fortuna: my name isn't Fortuna it's

Fred: Whatever this is Last Guy he has the power to be the last one mentioned in any conversation

Last Guy: (shadowy) That's right.

Fred: Unfortunately they all have to die with you, twice. (Spin kicks them all to the ground and stabs them a few times) And now to leave you in an easily escapable trap

(Fred goes behind the building to find a dump truck and dumps eggplant ice cream all over them)

Fred: Hope you like the taste of defeat god this is awful HA HA HA you'll never go swimming again

Mariorocks: It's pretty warm it'll melt or I can melt it or Director can eat his way out

Fred: I can't hear you but that sounds like a obvious observation but I don't really care I just wanted to dump ice cream on dying people ok

Retro Belmont

(Meanwhile)

???: Hey. HEY! GET UP!

Retro: Shuddap', I'm tired.

???: You're not supposed to be sleeping in here. Don't you know what happens if you sleep in all the wrong places?

Retro: I don'- WHERE'D ALL MY CLOTHES GO?

???: Case in point. But you were never wearing clothes in the first place, which is why you still have your pixel suit on.

Retro: Oh, right. So where to now?

???: We're here.

Retro: Oh.

(A gate suspended in mid air (more like mid damnation) appears suddenly and opens to reveal a short, balding man with amazingly pale skin. His glasses are at least 10 inches in radius. His head is shaped almost like a bare tree, and he is holding a staff which is wooden and not all that impressive whatsoever. Tied to his front is a dream catcher. He looks up, or at least it looks like he does, and studies Retro's body. After a long, awkward moment of silence he speaks.)

Sage:

(Never mind, he didn't say anything. But he was about to, when he fell asleep, then soiled himself from the looks of it. Retro started to grow impatient.)

Retro: What the hell is this supposed to be?

???: You're looking at the master of memories, conveniently located here in scenic DAMNATION.

Retro: Why do I need to remember anything? I know my past.

???: You may know, but you still don't understand.

Retro: Aren't knowing and understanding the same thing?

???: What? Are you serious? Do you not want to leave this place? You shut up and move that stupid face of yours up and down to everything I say. No questions asked. I'm trying to get you out of here, and I could just as easily let you rot in the corner, which I am very much considering.

Retro: ~Cough~

???: Now then, O WISE SAGE OF THE ZODIAC, I MEAN SAGE OF...MEMORIES. OPEN THE GATES TO INNER REMEMBRANCE.

Sage: I don't wanna.

???: Not even for...you're son!?!?!?!?

Sage: You ain't my son, my son is my colin.

(The Sage pauses and holds his breath, then looks down at himself.)

Sage: Clean your damn room, son!

Retro: Can you really make me remember stuff?

Sage: Huh-Wha? What's it to you anyway?

(Retro can start to feel the energy in his fists starting to grow. He doesn't have a large temper.)

Retro: I'm...trying to remember something, I guess.

Sage: Remembering stuff ain't a walk in the park kid, it takes concentration, and can you even take a punch?

Retro: I need to remember.

Sage: What you NEED...is a job!

Retro: And what great timing too, I was just about to get into the hit man business. Care for a hit on your father, question mark man?

Sage: Don't move! I still have to study your mind.

Retro: Finally.

(The memory sage out stretches his hands and puts his wrinkly fingers on Retro's head. A blue light starts to emit from it. The sage takes in a deep breath and pulls his hands back. Then shoots one back out to smack Retro upside the head.)

Retro: Ouch! What the hell was that for?!

Sage: Because I am now your master and I can slap you when I feel like.

Retro: Who the hell says I should listen to you?

???: I'd do it if I were you. He's the only one who can send you back to the outside world. When you're ready that is.

Sage: He isn't ready. He's a moron.

Retro: Maybe I should just kill him while I'm at it.

Sage: Kill your anger first, you won't be needing it beyond the door. Only memories.

Retro: I hope to God I don't remember this place.

Sage: Maybe after this you won't remember ANYTHING! Hehehehe...

Retro: Scuse' me?

Sage: I said COUGH DROPS! (HACK HACK HORFF.)

Mariorocks

~Back to the terrible ice cream trap!~

Nintendofreak: We have...Got to. Find. A way. OUT of this...Problem.

Orter: Why are you talking like William Shatner?

Director: Ha! Ha!...Shat.

Fred: Hey, weren't you dying huh?!

Nintendofreak: Oh, right.

~The three start to comically groan as they are "squished" under the ice cream~

Fred: I'm going to leave now, since I'm a major villain!

Clyde: Are not.

Fred: What was that?!

~Clyde is gone~

Fred: As I was saying, I have to do several villain-type things now, like buy ice cream!

~Fred 'trots' away~

Nintendofreak: I'll just use my new fire powers to melt the ice cream.

Director: No! We'll get all sticky!

Orter: This ice cream tastes like... ~licks ice cream~ ...eggplant?!

Director: EGGPLANT?!?!

~Director sprawls into action, scarfing down all the ice cream, pac-man style~

Director: Oh man, that was good!

~Orter and Nintendofreak are seen on their knees on a dock, head down~

Director: To the water treatment facility!

Nintendofreak: "Are you mad?!"

Director using Scottish accent: "Ha! Ya 'fraid ta' get wet?"

Orter: We almost got killed TWICE trying to find this water treatment facility!

Crazy Surgeon: Third times the charm.

Director: Ahhhhh!!

~The Crazy Surgeon leaps at Director with a rusty injection needle, Director steps back and his hands emit large purple sound wave things that hit the surgeon, sending him a couple feet away. The surgeon gets up, he then grabs a top hat and cane, and starts...Singing?!~

Crazy Surgeon: "Hello! ma baby, Hello! ma honey, Hello! ma ragtime gal, Send me a kiss by wire, Baby my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, Honey, you'll lose me, Then you'll be left alone; oh baby, Telephone and tell me I'se your own"

~The surgeon dances his away from the trio~

Director: Sweet!

Orter: How'd you do that?!

Nintendofreak: there must've been another one of those soda bottles in the ice cream

Orter: Makes as much sense as anything else around here......

Director: The strange thing is...I was thinking of that same song before that man did that dance number...

~In a tightly guarded room with no windows or doors, the only light source is several large security monitors, a man sits in a chair watching our three heroes~

Clyde: I say...These three seem to be getting sta-ronger...Maybe they might be able to defeat..."Them"

Director

Mariorocks: We made it!

Director: Where?

Mariorocks: To my old... ~Mariorocks suddenly falls over, and grabs his head, writhing in pain~

Director: What the...

???: LISTEN TO ME, ILL GET YE OUT O' THIS!

Director: Who-

???: We have time for introdooctions later, grab the boy and lets get going!

~The man who emerged from no where runs towards a bathysphere station~

Man: COME ON NOW, HURRY UP!!

Director: Mariorocks, loosen your grip, please and thank you.

~Director drags Mariorocks into the btahysphere~

---

Director: So, who are you?

McClow: Me name is Michael McClow, I've been stuck in this hell hole for ages.

Director: So why did we have to run?

Michael: His brain was about to explode, we had to evacuate him from that area.

Director: I see.

Bathysphere: Arriving at the Hospital of Rapture.

Mariorocks

~And now, we take you to a man who we havn't seen since the last OG, you know the one...The man that has been working as a crewmember aboard a generic sea vessel that is doomed to sink!~

Man: Yes! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE, FOOL! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!! AHAHA! BOW BEFORE ME!!! YOUR POWER IS WEAK AGAINST MINE!

~The man is playing Pac-Man in the ship lounge. A large, fuzzy man with a wooden pipe and a sailor cap on enters the room~

Captain THAT: I say! Kane old bean, are you finished swabbing the decks?

Kane: ~Rolsl eyes~ Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it.

~A giant tentacle rips through the room and grabs THAT, then it drags him to Davy Jones's Locker~

Kane: Jubus Crums!

~Kane makes it up to the deck where he sees several men vainly throwing spears at a Kraken~

Kane: Oh, like that will work.

~A tentacle grabs Kane's leg, but Kane quickly slices the wriggling thing with his new 2-hander sword (which he can conveniently weild in one hand)~

Kraken: Yow! All I wanted was to be loved! I'll kill ya'!

Kane: You weren't trying to do that before?

Kraken: No! I mean Yes! I-I mean...ARGH!! NOW YOU'LL DIE WORSER!!

Kane: Worser isn't even a word.

Sailor: ALIEN!

*Kane knocks out the sailor*

Kraken: Now I shall rip the ship in two!

Kane: Why?

Kraken: Because I can.

Kain: That's a good reason!!

~The Kraken raises his arms and cracks the ship in two, he then grabs several sailor and eats them with a side of chips. With a full belly, the Kraken leaves~

Kane: Great. I'm stuck in the ocean, my hair is wet, and THAT never gave my DS back!

~Kane swims to a large lighthouse sticking out of the ocean~

Kane: How convenient!

~Kane enters a bathysphere and a blonde haired man wearing a white suit appears~

Clyde: Hello Sna-HOLY SHOE IT'S KANE!!!

Kane: Hey, I remember you. So this must be...Rapture. It's been awhile...How's everyone been doing?

Clyde: They died.

Kane: Yup, sounds like Rapture!

Clyde: So, X-65, I heard you've gone under a new name, Kaerf was it?

Kane: Let's just say that making up names was never was strong suit.

Clyde: You know, N-65 is heading towards the Rapture hospital as we speak.

Kane: Does he know yet?

Clyde: I don't believe he does.

Kane: Make sure he doesn't find out until the right moment, or I'll knock you into last week!

Chapter 3: The Dark Side

Fred of the bed

Kain: Shh! It's almost time for my favourite radio show!

Clyde: That's not a radio.

Kain: There are noises coming from it shut uppa your mouth. Oh. It sounds like NUMBER 65.

Clyde: You'll sound like number 65 if you keep this up mister

GORE: Hey, Mister soul mister. Looks like you got some zombies down here in rapture town.

Clyde: What is the meaning of this

Kain: Yeah! (Kain swings his one-handed two-handed sword at GORE but GORE just sidesteps and uses the sword with tinder to light his cigar)

GORE: There's money to be made here, gentlemen. Withboxing.

Clyde: I'm afraid that even a brain surgeon like me who should be able to follow can't. For sure.

GORE: Well then I'll explain for the readers at home. Imagine if you will a boxer that never tires. never drinks. Never gets fat or old. Okay yeah he'll lose limbs occasionally but those can be glued back on. Now imagine that boxer in your mother's outfit. That is why I need these zombies and I guess you too you're feisty kid rrrr mmm I am being pretty creepy now. But that's buisness.

Kain: That's not buisness that's coming onto m-

GORE: Now you'll all get a part of the cut ON YOUR NECKS THAT IS oh right I save that line for later okay you all get a part of the cut sharing it fifty percent for me fifty percent for the rest of yous bums.

Clyde: I make more tha-

GORE: Badda bing badda boom done. A pleasure doing buisness with yous...

(Director, MARIOROCKS 65 NOT NINTENDOFREAK I WILL NEVER CALL HIM THAT Micheal McClow and Orter who is alive I guess finally arrive at the hospital)

Orter: I am alive he guesses

Micheal McClow: I'm happy for 'yuh, sunny boy, but there ain't no time for being alive! Time is of the essence if we're going to save this man's life!

Director: Hang on I have thirty voice mails and I need to listen to them slowly while reading a book in the bathroom and you've all got to wait for me

Micheal: Okay that's no problem why would that be a problem

(Elsewhere)

Fred: As my first villainous act... Perhaps I'll knock down a hospital! Yeah! The one hospital in Rapture DEMOLISHED due to the mysterious Glider-mannnnn!? Though, however, if I happened to just disappear omnimously into the background, I can interrupt the story as a truly badass villain at the worst possible time!

Fred: Brilliant, Fred!

Fred: Fred? You're alive?

Fred: No this is just a figment of your imagination

Fred: Jinx personal jinx (slips into the shadows on his quest to become a badass villain)

Retro Belmont

(Damnwhile)

Sage: Have you left all worldly possessions back in the other place?

Retro: You never told me to do that.

Sage: Too late- let's go!

(The door behind Retro closes, then disappears from sight. Retro looks down to see he is already sitting on a large chair, his appearance looks like that from his childhood.)

Retro: What's all this then?

Sage: Man, you were ugly back then weren't you. Okay, let's get to the fun part, which is probably more boring than you would think.

Retro: Yeah, this is pretty boring.

Sage: Deal with it kid, you still have to know what happened to you back then so we can get on with this story.

Retro: If you can call it that, but OK.

(The Sage hymns to himself for a whole 3 seconds then slaps Retro upside the head repeatedly.)

Retro: STOP DOING THAT.

Sage: No.

Retro: Fine, I'm leaving.

Sage: You cannot stop the process now! If you leave now, don't ever expect to learn your full potential.

Retro: Fine, then I won't leave.

Sage: Dayum straight.

Retro: I'll just kill YOU.

Sage: Oh, no.

(Retro reverts back to his Pixel form and launches his fist straight through the Sage's head, until it comes out the other side. The sage's eyes go back into his head, and he starts screaming:)

Sage: Sage: Sage: Sage: Sage: Sage:

Retro: Whoops.

(The man who was never named kicks down a different door to the side of Retro. Above the door is a sign that's lit "Questioning in Progress".)

???: No! He's coming to!

Retro: Question mark man? I mean...some guy I don't know...?

Some Guy: We need more anesthesia! Guards!

(A duo of men dressed in black suits charge through the door that the other man came through, in their hands are what looks to be a large baseball gloves that stretch up the arm. A gas is emitting from the palm of their hands. They are both wearing gas masks.)

Retro: What are you guys doing in my childhood memory? I wasn't abducted by aliens until I was 21!

???: He's still a little out of it, just gas him again.

(Retro dodges the one's arm as it just passes his head. With his fist still through the Sage's head, he swings it around and knocks them both out. He charges up Pixel energy to his fist and blows up the Sage completely, scouring parts of metal and glass tubs and other machine parts across the room. Soon a gang of armed guards come charging at him one at a time through the door. He takes care of them easily and then walks over to the first man, who is cowering in the corner behind him.)

Man: Uh...um... hooray! you remembered one of your birthday parties!

(Retro grabs him by the balding head and holds him up in front of him. he looks behind him first to see if any more guards are coming, but there aren't. He stares once more around the room and notices it's starting to look a lot less like the room he was in with the sage. And now, it looks more like a plain white room with a single chair in the center. A two way mirror sits across from it, neighboring that is a white door nearly blending perfectly into the room itself.)

Retro: This is the worst Damnation I've ever been in. What's going on?

Man: You were going to tell us everything we wanted to know.

Retro: Who's "we"?

Man: If I told you I'd have to kill you.

(Retro holds up his arm, which turns into a cannon, up to the man's face, and begins to light the fuse atop of it.)

Man: I mean the CIA!

Retro: I was just in Damnation for like, five months. Why am I here now?

Man: You've been in our custody since five months ago today.

Retro: Where is here, anyway?

Man: That's Classifie- I mean, on a nuclear submarine just north of some nice little town we folk around here like to call (close up) Rapture.

Retro: Sounds repulsive, who's the mayor?

Man: No one RUNS Rapture, man. It's like, changing direction with the wind, y'know?

Retro: Don't change personalities on me, and I want out of here.

Man: The CIA will keep you for however long it takes.

Retro: Takes to what?

Man: Get the information we need of course.

Retro: What information exactly?

Man: The information we need to control Rapture.

Retro: I said "exactly", you're still giving me vague answers, and I'm getting tired of writing your name, man.

Man: Bummer. Well once we captured you we wanted the power of pixels as well as to discover the source of pixels, which is locked away in your memory, and stuff. Once we were done questioning you about your past we could extract your pixels and create our own using your unlimited supply. Then Rapture would be ours.

Retro: But I fell into Damnation, what the hell happened there?

Man: We made the moon son, so I think a little dimension isn't too much trouble.

Retro: What about Epic Dino?

Man: Who? I hope you aren't talking about those pirates who screwed up our dimension using Yerp technology.

Retro: DON'T SAY THAT WORD...IT BURNS.

Man: Anyway, we took you out of that dimension and drugged you while you were weak, then transported you to this submarine. It saves time to unlock your secrets while traveling to Rapture.

Retro: Why do you want to control Rapture?

Man: I guess I can tell you. Well we-

(The cannon goes off, hitting the man at point blank range. Blood splatters in every direction, and retro stares blankly at the mess on the wall.)

Retro: I knew I should have put out that fuse...

(Retro carefully steps over the bodies he let drop on the floor, and makes his way out of the room. He feels like he hasn't walked in months, which he hasn't, but he somehow gets to the front of the sub. Sitting at the deck is Rotcerid, whistling to himself while he steers the sub.)

Rotcerid: I've been expecting you, Mr. Belmont-

(Retro obliterates his body with one blast of his pixel energy, and sits down on the captain's chair, then sets course for Rapture.)

BUT WAIT!

(Elsewhere, Director is sitting casually on something nearby, and for the whole sake of this post, hunches over and "dies"...until...)

Director: Thought I'd die eh? Well it turns out Eggplants aren't connected to Pumpkins in any way. Take that, suckers!

Mariorocks

~Back to Kane~

GORE: I needs to gets more fighters now! We'll make billions! ~Leaves~

Kane: What was the point of that guy being in this OG? He doesn't do anything- I mean ANYTHING!

Clyde: Wasn't your name just Kain?

Kane: Blame Fred for being Canadian.

Clyde: What does that have to do with anything?

Kane: Because I'm a clone.

Clyde: But I'm a clone too! Ha! Ha!

Kane: You're not a clone! You're just an abomination inspired by Liquid Snake and hundreds of rich guy stereotypes!

Clyde: I'm not a clone? Aww...I guess I'll go do something rich guy-ish now.

~The TV screen showing Clyde's face fades to black~

Kane: I guess I'll be all rival-ish and try to defeat Nintenof-Oh look! An arcade!

~Kane runs into a broken down arcade shop and plays the closest arcade game. A death tone is heard shortly after~

Kane: Damn you first goomba!!

~Back to Retro who is now in a bathysphere, but it's very cramped due to his pixel suit~

Clyde: Why helloooo Snake. Do you remember me?

Retro: I'm assuming you say that all the time?

Clyde: Sorry sir, Rapture's rules.

Retro: But, this place is barren, you don't have to fallow the rules!

Clyde: I play by my own rules, bitch.

Retro: ...What?

Clyde: I'm going to be a main villian!

Retro: Ok.

Clyde: You like SOAP!

Retro: You can see into my mind?!

Clyde: ~Snickers~ No.

Retro: Shrack. Can I have some Snickers?

Clyde: No, they're my snickers!

Retro: So, are you with the CIA?

Clyde: "Kee-ah"?

Retro: No! C-I-A.

Clyde: I'm pretty sure that's pronounced "Kee-ah"

Retro: ...

Director

Director: Enough of that.

Mariorocks: Of what?

Director: Forget about that, please and thank you.

Mariorocks: Fine, weirdo.

Director: Nuh uh.

McClow: Stop yer jibber jabber laddies, its time for us to take the next bathysphere.

Director: To where?

McClow: The shopping mall of Rapture.... but since the bathysphere is at the top of the hospital, we'll have to go through it, 'k laddies?

Director: Ok.

McClow: Off we go laddies!

Mariorocks: Yes sir.

~Mariorocks and Director enter the hospital and proceed to walk up to the ER when suddenly...~

Surgeon: No...no no no no! This is.. who are you?!

Director: I, uh.

Surgeon: NO MEANS NO TOO YA FOOLS AH MY HEART DIE CUMBERBUNDT-

*The surgeon picks up a scalpel but falls over dead, loDged in his back is a diary recorded on a tape player*

Director: What.

Mariorocks

Nintendofreak: Should we...Should we listen to the tape?

Director: Really? I thought we could just leave it there and, you know, leave? Because "paradise" isn't exactly what I thought it would be like.

Orter: But we gotta' solve the mystery!

Nintendofreak: ALIEN!

McClow: Enough! Take the tape from that dead broad's back will ya?

~Director leaps to the back of the surgeon's back and pull the tape, but t seems jammed, Director then wiggles it around and rips an artery as he manages to get the tape out. Nintendofreak and Orter are seen throwing up in buckets~

Director: The side of the tape says R.L. Stine, I shall call him Stineman.

~Director clicks the "play" button on the tape~

Stineman: Today my bathysphere hit a dolphin on the way to work, I didn't have time to deal with it so I pulled it to the side of the water. Due to ADAM, we are getting paid less since less people are getting maimed. I don't know why I like recording in these, or why everyone else does it at seemingly useless times, but I stick with fads.

~The tape ends~

Nintendofreak: Wow, that was SOOO boring, gimmie my 6 minutes of life back!

Orter: Here you go. ~Orter tosses Nintendofreak a lifeshroom~

Nintendofreak: Just what I needed!

~A surgeon jumps out with an industrial buzzsaw and a rifle~

Stineman: I'ma gonna kill joo!!!

Kain: Woohooo! Lvl 60!!

~Four splicers jump out of the shadows but Kain chops their heads off without peering away from the arcade screen~

Kain: Woohoooo! Lvl 61!!

Retro: Wait a second. Do I detect...Pixels?! There's a pixel hoard around here! Muahahahah!!

Fred: You want pixels huh

Fred: We can lead you to them

Fred: For a price

Fred: We want waffles

Fred: No we want your soul give it

Fred: Stop

Fred: Stop what ~Fred's neck is snapped by Retro who turns to the other Fred~

Retro: Tell me where the pixels are! OR ELSE.

~Retro squeezes Fred's neck, dead Fred somehow blows up in a bloody mess~

Fred of the Bed

Fred: Hey jerk!

Retro: Huh?

Fred: Yeah, you!

Retro: Listen, Fred, I just killed you twice.

Fred: Oh they have tubes for that

Retro: I'll give you a tube where the sun don't shine if you don't tell me where those pixels are!

Fred: Oh you wanna go huh punk

Retro: I thought that previous sentance implied that I did

Fred: You wanna go huh huh

Retro: Who did I just kill?

Fred: I said specifically that I was going to hide in the shadows. Also the other Fred died last story. I guess making Fred-snowmen was a good idea.

Retro: Where are the pixels?

Fred: I have voxels!

Retro: Whoa, wait, what's a voxel?

Fred: It's A THUREE-DEE PIXEL DUH

Retro: Is it more potent?

Fred: potent how? Like a drug or something?

Retro: Are voxels more powerful than pixels?

Fred: They've got another set of co-ordinates

Retro: that doesn't tell me anything!

Fred: They're 3-d they're better obviously

Retro: Listen Fred I'll rip you a new one if you don't tell me where the pixels-

Fred: Voxels

Retro: -Pixels are!

Fred: What's a pixel?

Retro: I will show you up close.

(Retro punches Fred in the face)

Fred: That was a very close view. However you also spilled some of my coffee in the process. Prepare for death.

Retro: No.

Fred: But-

Retro: So long as I don't prepare for death, I can never die.

Fred: But it's good to be prepared didn't you learn that

Retro: Now quit stalling, you are trying my patience. And some of his patients. (As it turns out they're actually in the same room as Stineman and Director and the others)

Fred: Trippy.

Stineman: Ugly! Look in a mirror! Ug- Hey.

Retro: Yes?

Stineman: That physique! That form! It's perfect!

Retro: Is it?

Stineman: YES TOO PERFECT NOW DIE

(Retro grabs Stineman by the shirt)

Retro: Listen to me I will show you the limits of hell and the outer-limits and things way over the limit of your credit card don't screw with me

Stineman: gulp

Retro: I will show you the thousand tentacles emerging from its crusty interior eyes shouting "Hey nonny nonny" and playing your least favourite movie backwards for the rest of time

Stineman: Alright! Alright! Jus' don't make me look at cha'! As for you: (turns to Fred)

Fred: What he said

Stineman: Fine ya ugly jeeeruks!

Director: Can I hypnotize him?

McClow: Can you stand out in the open and count to ten without getting shot to death?

Director: No

McClow: Then there you go.

Director: Go? Okay!

(Director walks out in front of Stineman)

Stineman: You are a vegetable!

Director: I am not! Stop being such a racist!

Stineman: Huh?

Director: I may have purple skin, but on the inside I'm all man, baby!

Stineman: Really? Maybe... all this time, trying to alter my patients... I've been wrong. It's not what's on the outside. It's what's-

(Mariorocks throws a fireball at Stineman who crumbles into dust)

Director: Whew! Good thing you got him before he started living a lie!

Fred: Retro.

Retro: I'm busy trying to solve this plumbing thing.

Fred: You take one from the bottom and you put it on top

Retro: You take one from th' bottom an' you put it on top

Director/Mariorocks: YOU TAKE ONE FROM THE BOTTOM AND YOU PUT IT ON TOP

Everyone: YA TAKE ONE FROM THE BOTTOM AND YOU PUT IT ON TOP

Fred:Jenga!

Mariorocks: Jenga!

Director: Jenga Jenga

Retro: OHHH NOOO!

McClow: OHHHH YEAAAHHHH!

Retro: Okay that's enough of that I've set this thing to flood this building so they die

Fred: Hey wait aren't you supposed to be already dead?

Director: We are dead. Look at us. Even Retro's here.

Fred: Oh, that makes sense. We out, Retro.

Retro: You better take me to some pixels soon.

Fred: It'll cost ya

Retro: It will cost me your life

Fred: WILL YOU BET YOUR LIFE?

Retro: Hold up

(A bunch of zombies come outta nowhere)

zombie: Man coming out of nowhere is totally sweet! Now let's ice these punks for no reason!

zombie 2: How about since we're starving for brains and they might have some?

zombie: We're a gang man we do meaningless violence only. We don't need to rationalize!

zombie 2: oh get them

(Retro and Fred take them out in like half a second but I don't know exactly I don't have a stopwatch)

Fred: Is it hard to breathe in that suit?

Retro: I don't breathe anymore.

Fred: SO IT IS HARD TO BREATHE

Retro Belmont

Fred: I was just asking 'cause-

Retro: You don't have a cause. Ever.

Fred: People like you need sidekicks and I mean EVIL sidekicks

Retro: I don't need anything but more pixels, or maybe driving lessons for steering this submarine- OH CRIPES, I FORGOT WE WERE ACTUALLY IN A-

(The nuclear submarine collides with some huge underwater building I guess and explodes with very much underwater fire and pain. The building slowly crumbles down to the sub-earth, and sand or dust and fishing lines that snapped off of reels are flung into the not air.)

Fred: Golly gee nuclear submission Pixelman!

Retro: I SAID YOU AREN'T MY SIDEKICK.

Fred: Oh

Retro: Well, I can make you an honorary sidekick...for a little while, I guess. But you have to lead me to some Pixels. Now.

Fred; Lead you to the pixels I will. Now come, come!

(Fred races across the beaten path hunched over, with his arms swinging to and fro, moving along like a disgruntled monkey. He approaches a corner, sniffs the air, whips his head back and motions for Retro to follow.)

Retro: Where are we going?

Fred: To fight the gatekeeper *snort*, steal his family jewels you must.

Retro: Gross.

Fred: Come, come!

---

(Overtherewhile)

(Director and Nintendofreak and other people are playing JA-JA-JA-JENGA and it is Director's turn to fail miserably.)

Announcer: Let's see if Director can pull off this next move. After Orter's near fatal move, the team tries to recuperate. Let's watch, shall we?

Director: Shut up, you're just making me nervous!

Crowd: 'Give us a jeng-a-plant and not an egg-a-plant'

Director: All of you zombies SHUT UP!

(Director's vision sharpens, he leans in to take a new piece out of the bottom of the tower. It shakes when his roots hit the piece. A single drop of sweat crosses Director's face as he slowly removes it. The crowd is on the edge of their seats, the Jenga towers shifts to the side, and then to the other. It sways back and forth while Director starts to pull it all the way out. He holds his breath and removes it all the way now, the crowd sighs as the tower becomes motionless again. Then, Director looks over behind Mariorocks or Nitnendofreak whatever and spots Retro running past some buildings. Director's root smack down the Jenga tower, and pieces fly everywhere. The crowd explodes. The announcer blasts off into space. Mariorocks and the other guys stare at him disbelievingly. They cannot believe that a paragraph about a Jenga game went on this long. Director's root stretches outward and he hisses loudly:)

Mariorocks: Oh shut up, we knew he's been here, didn't you read the last post?

Director: I...I can't read.

Orter: But in the last OG you-

Director: This is no paradise of mine where a man cannot play Jenga without running into old friends turned ENEMY!

Mariorocks: ALBORLAN, by which I meant ALIEN!

Orter: I don't think so, Tim.

Director: Should we run away or chase him knowing we cannot win?

Mariorocks: I dunno, lol.

Orter: If Retro is alive that means I'm dead! Oh wait, no...no.

McClow: By the way in case you forgot, and I'm just throwing this out there, but...we're drowning.

Orter: I forgot. Am I dead yet?

Director: Well eggplants grow when we hit water~!

Orter: That '~' was so unnecessary. quit trying to show off you jerk.

Director: Oh wait, I forgot that I am an eggplant on the outside but really just a man...maybe in an eggplant-suit?

Derf: Derf.

Orter: Wha-

---

(Elsewhere in Rapture, an opening in space-time reveals a second submarine, this one landing in an un-inhabited region, as opposed to exploding. A group of people step out into the landing zone, one of them equipped with a wristwatch with computer-like functions and in his offhand a ladle filled with gravy for some reason.)

Hacker: EDIT powers activate! All right guys, I got us into the OG, but it wasn't easy.

(Four of the others who came out are armed with large semi-automatic slingshots and baseball caps flipped backwards. attached to the fabric is a piece of glass that flips down over their eye. Readings of data are flowing through the eyepiece, and the gunmen are studying it thoroughly. Then they make way for another person coming off of the vessel. The figure is sporting a fitted wet suit filled with gadgets and other technological looking things. On their face are some googles I mean goggles. And finally, on their back is a baseball bat...which is on fire!)

Masked Person: So this is Hip-hopture. What a waste of perfectly good surface area.

Armed Guards: Your maskness, we have landed safely, and our radar has sensed that there are no doubt pixels in this region.

Masker: Ah, right. Whenever the CIA Transport gets here, we'll start hunting the mutants down until they tell us where the pixels are. Until then, I think we were supposed to place this thing somewhere...

(Masker walks back towards the sub and reaches into a crate just carted off of the sub by a lackie, and pulls out a man...a somewhat disembodied man.)

Masker: Oh and by the way, the prototype isn't to know we're coming either. Comprende?

Guard #3: No spreche englace.

(Masker grabs the flaming bat and swings it at the guard, striking him down and causing his corpse to explode before it even gets a chance to release its bowels.)

Masker: Anyone else miraculously pass the exam with a failing grade in English?

Guards: No.

Masker: Let's move out then. Oh, and Syawnek...

Hacker: Yeah?

Masker: Nothing, I just wanted to reveal your name in an indirect way so people know who you are, even if at the same time they don't know who we really are.

Hacker: Oh. Well, good luck guys.

(Masker smiles, although no one knows except him.)

Masker: Of course we won't fail. WE AIN'T SCARED.

Mariorocks

~Elsewhereness!!~

Kane: Level...99999998! Wooo, almost there! Jump the turtle! Ok, now I just need to touch the axe. Wait! WAIT! NO! Stop! ~A small death tune is played, then a game over theme~

Kane: . . .

Zombie: Brans, I mean brains!

Kane: . . .

Zombie: B-brains??

Kane: . . .

Zombie: You know, if you don't act like you're in actual danger than I'll take my bussiness elsewhere. Sheesh.

Kane: . . .

Zombie: Fine, I'll go bother that purple eggplant guy.

Narrator: And now, What Lies Beneath presents and action scene!

~The camara pans to the outside of the arcade building, THEN IT EXPLODES!!! A very frustrated Kane jumps out of thr debris with sword unsheathed and the zombie's head in his hand. Multiple zombies serround Kane who then plants his sword in the ground and does that really cool pole move that Neo does in the Matrix, knocking multiple zombies down. Kane then launches himself into the air and comes down with enough force to create a small earthquake that kills some more zombies. A Spider Splicer leaps at Kane who cuts the splicers arms off (OMG violent!).

Kane grabs a grenade from the splicer's torso and shoves it into the zombie head's mouth which Kain then chucks into a crowd of zombies. The grenade explodes, sending zombie torsos in every direction. Kain then throws his sword in a circular motion which decapitates several splicers and zombies and stops after it impales a Big Daddy in the stomach.

Kane quickly runs at the surprised Big Daddy and bum rushes him, sending the sword deeper into it's stomach. Kane then twists the sword making the Big Daddy call out in pain, then Kane takes hold of the Big Daddy's rivet gun and kills the rest of the zombies in that area with it. Kane then shoots the Big Daddy in the face with it's own rivet gun. The Big Daddy falls to the ground and Kane sheaths his sword.~

Kane: If there's a moral here, it's to never trust a goomba and wait an hour after you eat before you go swimming.

~A small, floating security bot with a TV screen approaches Kane, the screen turns on*

Clyde: Very good, Kane, I recorded the whole thing, and am uploading it to YouTube. Here, take these, it will probably help make action squences look cooler.

~The bottom of the bot opens up and drops 2 plasmid vials~

Kane: Oooh! Soda!

~Kane gulps down both vials~

Clyde: Those are plasmids, they make you do insane things like blow people up and stuff.

Kane: I can blow stuff up?! Awesome!

Clyde: Actually you can't, those were Electrobolt and Telekinesis plasmids.

Kane: Sweet!

~Kane is seen tossing bodies around in the air and making their lifeless corpses do funny dances~

~STILL ELSEWHERE!~

McClow: Come, we need to get to Fontane's Fisheries.

Nintendofreak: Who's Fontane?

McClow: Frank Fontane is a fishing company CEO that died a couple years ago, some people said he was a mobster. All I know is that I am totally not Fontane in disquise. And if I was, you'll find out at the end and I'll be the main villian and stuff.

Director: Works for me.

Orter: Why can't we just leave through the entrance bathysphere?

McClow: Because it was destroyed.

Nintendofreak: I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

~McClow presses a button on some kind of remote control device and a loud explosion is heard~

McClow: Now it was.

Director: Works for me!

Nintendofreak & Orter: . . .

Fred of the Bed

Fred: Weeee'rrreeee heeeeerrrreeeeee

Retro: It's about time. For crime. So where are the Pixels?

Fred: HAAHAHAHAHAAMAUAHAAHRHARHAHAHARHAHRAHRHARHAHARHAHR AHRAHRAHRHARHARHARHAHRHAHRAHAHAHAHRAHRHARHARHARHAHR HARHAHAHAHRAHAHAHAHRAHRHARHARAHRAHARHARHARHARAHRHAHR AHHARHAHRARHARHARAHRAHRAHRAHRAHRHARHAHRAHAHAHAHRARH HAARHARHARHARHARAHRAHRAHRARHARHARHARHARHARAHRAHR

right over there in that gatekeeper's family jewels

Retro: What, figuratively?

Fred: HAVE FUN

Retro: Answer me or I swear I will force you to listen to the theme song to All in the Family for the rest of your 34-year-old life

Fred: Oh literally they're literally jewels

Retro: Phew.

Fred: But they are attached to his crotch

Retro: Well it's not gay if it's for infinite power, right?

Fred: You tell me. I didn't think you'd have this issue. This is limited edition where'd you find this?

Retro: That's yours

Fred: Could have fooled me

Retro: Ahem. Gatekeeper, please arouse yourself from your slumber to-

Fred: you want him to be AROUSED

Retro: You're an awful sidekick and as soon as I obtain those pixels I'm going to kill you

Fred: Look I've got a cape! MADE OF NECKTIES

Gatekeeper: Okay, okay, I'm up I'm up! Jeez, you'd think it was the end of the world or something!

Fred: Well it is Retro wants the pixels for absoloute power and conquest and whatnot and I want them so I can beat him up and laugh at him

Retro: What?

Fred: I want to be the villain this time, Retro.

Retro: So why not just kill me?

Fred: Duh law of scaled difficulty dumbass

Retro: Oh, so if you beat me when I'm powered up you'll be as good as the heroes were last OG?

Fred: I don't understand what you are saying.

Retro: Even two of yourself couldn't beat me last time around.

Gatekeeper: What makes you think you can beat me?

Retro: I'm really super powerful and stuff, I guess?

Gatekeeper: And I'm a super-powered robot thing.

Retro: Robots don't sleep! And stop talking so I can turn you to ashes!

Fred: Ash Ketchum

(Retro Fires a pixelicious beam at the Gatekeeper who turns out to be a clockwork man powered by the pixels in his family jewels and his skin rips away from the beam but he is otherwise unscathed)

Fred: Voxels are cooler man cool as ice

Retro: I thought everything in this dump was steam powered!

Gatekeeper: Guess not! Let's not forget plasmids, either. (Injects them)

Fred: Uh why did you do that you are a Brobot

Retro: I like the sound of these plasmid things.

Fred: You can't use them you no longer have skin or a knee and I think those are the prequisites.

Gatekeeper: I have a human body within this metal grating. GATEKEEPER CHANGE!

(Gatekeeper's arms turn into drills which are appropriate to use in many sexual jokes hilarious)

Fred: Okay cool

Retro: Two can play at the change game! Do you have change perhaps for A TWENTY?

(Retro's body spawns twenty drills and he easily dismantles those of the Gatekeeper)

Gatekeeper: You're a jerk

Retro: I try.

Fred: Rah rah! Rah rah blacksheep!

Gatekeeper: However I'll have you know that I guard a Gate!

Retro: We gathered that.

Gatekeeper: Yes but what lies beyond the Gate?

Retro: I don't know, Bill Gates?

Fred: ANOTHER GATE ANOTHER AHAAHAHRAHRAHA

Gatekeeper: Beyond the Gate... lies the future!

Fred: He's lying stop lying liar

Retro: Take me past this gate.

Gatekeeper: No

Retro: Well if it's a trap then it's not a very effective one if you don't open it up

Gatekeeper: Well if there wasn't anything worth guarding past there would a pixel-powered robot guard it?

Retro: Maybe? Either way I'm killing you and going past the Gate.

Fred: Noooooo don't do it don't Retro nooooo

Retro: You don't know what's over there either

Fred: SO

Masker: HOLD IT

Retro: Who DARES request my holding of it?

Masker: Me I guess. We're detecting pixels around here.

Guards: Yes sire!

Retro: Oh, you guys again. This metal guy has them on his family jewels.

Fred: ME TOO

Masker: Well, well, he's right. Anti-personel squad, attack!

Guards: Do we have to?

Masker: Pretty much, yeah

Guards: Oh right. For Lorderon!

(One guard grabs a rocket and ignites it, holds it and delivers a rocket-powered punch to Gatekeeper and even though Rocket-powered was an awful show Gatekeeper's stomach explodes)

Retro: What? No way.

Guard: Way.

(Retro blocks as a second guard attacks him with a blade made out of a super-heavy metal, which slightly pierces his pixel suit)

Retro: What gives? (Eye-lasers the guy who dodges to the side, but gets his side singed)

(Fred's opponent whips a chain around his arm, diverting his punch, but Fred simply judo chops the chain to break it)

Fred: fshh FLAMING NICKEL SHINING DRILL SPIN boot to the head

Guard: I read that move a mile away! Unfortunately I wasn't using binoculars and couldn't make it out! HOWEVER MY ULTIMATE DEFENSE WILL GUARD ME FROM IT ELECTRIC BARRIER!

(Fred's shoe is lightninged to nothing by a plasmid power)

Masker: So, I'll just be taking that guy's pixels now, then-

Retro: NOT IN A MILLION YEARS NOT IN ANY TIME AT ALL NEVER NO

(Retro's arm turns into a lance and elongates to stab the man, but when hit masker's clothes simply drop to the ground in a heap. From their position there they stand up again and give form to Masker)

Masker: I'm afraid that kind of violence isn't going to cut it.

Fred/Retro: Then how about this kind of violence?

(Retro's arm elongates into a handle which Fred grabs and spins while Retro turns into a ball of spikes and other fun things, taking out the three Guards easily)

Masker: I'm afraid... that's not going to work on me.

Fred: Oh

Retro: Oh well then

Fred: Well then LATER

(Fred grabs Gatekeeper's body and Retro smashes a hole in the wall that they escape through)

Masker: Yeeaaah... You guys should probably get up.

Guards: do we have to

Director

~Meanwhiletime~

Nintedofreak: JENGA!

Director: Boring.

Nintendofreak: Hey, we're in the bathysphere.

Director: Hey, more like we're in Raptures' central control!

???: Indeed you are, boys.

Director: SANTA!

???: No, my name is Ryan McAlister, I run things down here.

McClow: Ryan, You scumbag, we finally meet!

Ryan: Ah, Mr. "Michael" should I call you.

Michael: Why does everyone think im someone else?

~Ryan McAlister pulls out a gun~

Ryan: My city...is my city!

~Ryan shoots Michael McClow between the eyes. His body slowly slumps to the ground~

Director: Heeheeheheheh. Heh...Hehe.

Ryan: And now for you two...what am I going to do with you?

Director: You, Nintendofreak, kill him. Now.

Nintendofreak: Huh?

Director: Please... and thank you!

~Nintendofreak goes into a trance, picks up a crowbar obideinetly, and walks towards Ryan with the intention of killing~

Ryan: What...but Michael! No, no it...!

~Nintendofreak forces the crowbar into Ryans skull. He too slumps too the floor, dead.~

Mariorocks

Director: Hehe...hehehe. Good going, Nintendofreak.

~Nintendofreak collapses on the floor nex to Ryan and starts to talk to him~

Nintendofreak: Oh! Sorry! Oh man, you don't look to good...Dude?

~Nintendofreak pokes Ryan's lifeless corpse~

Director: Good, kid. You've done good.

Nintendofreak: Huh? Director, you're creepin' me out a little.

Director: Director? ~Throws his head to the air~ Heh- he...hahaha...hahahahahahahaha! Blahahahahahhahahaha! AHA! AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! The name's Fontane, kid. You've been a peach, but it's time for me to blow dis' joint, heh.

Nintendofreak: Uh, what? Are you okay, buddy?

Fontane: Buddy? Listen kid, I'm not your buddy, never was. It's just bussiness. Never confuse bussiness with pleasure. Now, I need you to press that shiny button on the control panel by that wall, please and thank you.

~Nintendofreak finds that he can't stop himself from obeying, and sets off an alarm. The room suddenly starts shaking~

Orter: Holy shoe- This is dramatic! ~Eats popcorn~

Fontane: I'm sorry to leave you hangin' kid, I really am, but you know what they say, you should always go out with a bang.

Orter: Wait, WHAT?

Fontane: This is the control room of a nuclear reactor core, your friend just set off he self-destruct system for me. ~Laughs hysterically~

Nintendofreak: You were my friend! My brother! You...you bastard!

Director: It's nothing personal kid, it's just good bussiness. Once this place blows, I'll be able to take over Rapture with an iron fist. Catch ya' later kid, oh wait, I won't. ~Laughs even more~

Nintendofreak: What's stopping me from walking out of here?!

Fontane: This: "Would you stay here until the rector blows up? Please and thank you."

~Nintendofreak then freezes in place, with a focused, obediant look on his face~

Fontane: G'night, ladies.

~Fontane enters a bathysphere which takes him miles away to his hideout~

Orter: Well, we're shracked.

Director

Orter: ...Seventies boobs were different, I dunno.

Nintendofreak: ~Blank stare~

~A little sister crawls out of the vents with a bat~

Little sister: Come with me Mr. N!

Nintendofreak: . . .

Orter: That's not gonna work.

~CLANK!~

Nintendofreak: What happened...?

Orter: The little sister knocked you out with her bat and dragged you here.

Nintendofreak: Nice to know, thanks for the help.

~Nintendofreak's pocket starts vibrating~

Nintendofreak: Huh? ~Pulls out a transceiver~

Mariorocks: Ah! R.L steins transceiver...

Fontane: You've done good once again, kid.

Nintendofreak: It's..!

Fontane: You ever have a dog you had to put down, kid?

Mariorocks: . . .

Fontane: It hurts. Code Magnum.

~Nintendofreak doubles over in pain~

Chapter 4: Battles in an Elysium

Fred of the Bed

Fontane: Ever have a walkie-talkie kid? I used to love these when I was a kid

Mariorocks: Sooo sooo much painnnn

Fontane: Did you break something kid? It's gotta happen sometime in your life kid. And you ain't got dat much time left kid.

Orter: Hey! Hey! What'd you do to him?

Fontane: Super soldiers belong t'me kid.

Orter: I'm old enough to be your grandmother!

Fontane: Okay kid. I'm gonna go play System Shock 2 like back in the day kid.

Orter: System shock 2 wasn't around in the 30s-

Fontane: See ya around, sweet cheeks.

Orter: Damn you, Director!

Mariorocks: Argh ugh blargh it's Fontane he's taken over Fwahrgh

Orter: Oh, are you okay over there?

Mariorocks: Narrrghh no not reaalllllarghhh I'm becoming aaaagghgh a super soldieaahahrhg

Orter: I can't really tell what you're saying but being a super soldieraahahrhg is bad?

Mariorocks: Yeeaahrhrhahghhghghg I guess I'd have to HWAAAAAF do his HwaaFSFfSFS bidding-YAARGHGHGHH

Orter: Okay should I shoot you then

Mariorocks: You have a gun?

Orter: Well I-

Mariorocks: AIAFJNSFJNskma

Orter: Okay I'll take that as a (Mariorocks punches him through like eight walls)

Fontane: Kid kid you there?

Mariorocks: Yeah. Code Magnum complete.

Fontane: Excellent.

Mariorocks: You're evil you said "Excellent".

Fontane: But it is excellent! What d'ya want me to shoot off, kid? 'd be like "Everythin's going according to plan. Reasonable..." an' then fade t' black?

Mariorocks: Well not exactly bu-

Fontane: Kid you ever played baseball

Mariorocks:...

(Myst-while)

GORE: You wanna be a star, don't cha?

(A pack of zombies all dance and sing in sycronization)

zombies: It's cloooooose to mmiiiiiidnight

GORE: You on the left!

zombie on the left: Me?

GORE: You're off on your clapping!

zombie on the left: Ohhhn...

GORE: No brains for you tonight, mister!

(Mack-daddy while)

Kane: I wish my name was Kain so I could use !Jump.

Fontane (Over loudspeakers): I don't know why there would be, but just in case CODE MAGNUM

Kane: Step off man!

Fontane: Ex... excuse me?

Kane: I don't have to go along with this Code Magnum! You're not the boss of me!

Fontane: Kid, in my day-

Kane: CRAWWLLINNNG IN MY SKIN FOR THESE WOUNDS DO NOT HEEAALLL

Fontane: Damn it, kid!

(Master Roshi-While)

Retro: Finally we've got this thing

Fred: THOSE AREN'T PIXELS

Retro: What? They better be, for your sake.

Fred: They're just IRRADIATED FRUITY PEBBLES!

Retro: Well then-

Masker: Put down that robot.

Fred: I, Robot.

Retro: Or what?

Masker: I hadn't thought that far. Oh. OR THIS! (Masker pulls out a gun a very large gun a gun yes)

Retro: So

Mariorocks

Fontane on loudspeaker: Alright, kid. Kill your buddy, would you kindly?

Nintendofreak: NOOOO! ~Groan~

Fontane: Whaddare 'ya an idiot? You 'tink yous' can resist me? Forget about it. Heh, heh. CODE MAGNUM!

~Nintendofreak stands at attention~

Fontane: Kill him, please and thank you.

~Nintendofreak grabs a monkey wrench laying on the ground and steps towards the terribly injured and unconcous Orter. Someone hits Nintendofreak from behind and he black out~

~Meanwhile!~

Masker: Take THIS!!

~Masker's gun shoots very small guns that shoot even smaller guns that shoot trucks that shoot T.V.s that shoot toasters that shoot toast that shoot bullets~

Retro: Ha! You missed me!

Masker: Did I?

~*Retro looks behind him to see that the bullets have destroyed the base of the building behind him~

Retro: Oh shrack. ~Building falls on him~

Masker: Well that was fun, ~Masker gets an axekick to the face by Fred, which knocks of Masker's mask~

Fred: Revealeth thineself, bitcheth!

~Masker turns to Fred to reveal...ANOTHER MASK!~

Fred: Oh shrack

Fred: Stop talking like that

Fred: Fred

Fred: What

Fred: You're alive

Fred: No I'm not I'm going to die now watch me (dies)

Masker: Step aside!

Fred: Well what if I step inside? Or outside? Can I step topside?

Masker: Enough! Alpha force, get him!

~Fred is surrounded by unnamed guards~

Fred: Ha ha! Do you realize how many unnamed guards I've killed over the years? Do you realize the body count of generic enemies that I've stacked up? Look at you all! You don't even have nametags! You're better off just laying down right now!

Guard: Shrack it all! We can't argue with that logic!

~All the guards lay down and pretend to be defeated~

Masker: . . .

~Nice-while!~

~Nintendofreak wakes up in a very brightly lit room~

Nintendofreak: Heaven?

Kane: I can't believe you let your guard down that fast! Even in hypermode!

Nintendofreak: Oh shrack! Kane's here! This is the bad place! This is Mcdonalds!

~Kane pulls his fist pack, ready to punch Nintendofreak when a white gloved hand stops him~

Clyde: Now Kane, we can't have any of that now can we?

~Nintendofreak gets a good look at the room. It is a white, hospital-like room, Orter is seen in lots of bandages. There are two small doors and one large room that says "DO NOT ENTER!"~

Nintendofreak: Why did you bring me here?

Clyde: Why, to disable those trigger phrases of course.

Nintendofreak: And why would you do that? Wouldn't it be better if you just used me with the trigger phrase like Director?

Clyde: Well, if we sent you to kill Fontane then he would just use the trigger phrases to turn you to his side or even kill you, you see.

Nintendofreak: You want me to KILL him?

Clyde: Fontane is an insane industry tycoon who nearly destroyed Rapture. He has become a major threat to my orginization.

Nintendofreak: You're EVIL organization?

Clyde: Naturally.

Nintendofreak: What makes you think I'll work for you?

Clyde: Because Director betrayed you and you want revenge!

Nintendofreak: Well...

Clyde: I'll throw in five bucks.

Nintendofreak: Deal!

Clyde: Excellent! The invasion of Fontane's headquarters will start in an hour, I want you in the briefing room in 30 minutes.

~Clyde leaves the room, leaving a confused Nintendofreak, frustrated Kane and hurting Orter alone~

Director

Fontane: So, as I was saying, Rugby is a complex sport, the likes a which you never seen.

Splicer: Highly illogical.

~Fontane pulls out a magnum and shoots the splicer dead on~

Fontane: Is that ADAM machine done yet, boys?

Splicer: Almost, we just need to-

Fontane: Thats great, peachy keen.

~Fontane pulls out his transceiver~

Fontane: ~Smiles~ Kid.

Nintendofreak: Im coming to kill you, Fontane.

Fontane: Code Magnum.

Nintendofreak: Nice try.

Fontane: What? Nice move kid, after I kill you im going straight to Snobbys house and dragging his liver through the mud, oh but before I go:

Ultimatum.

Nintendofreak: No more codes for you!

~Nintendofreak suddenly grabs his chest~

Nintendofreak: What?! But, but...!

Fontane: I'm still in control, kid. The heart is a stubborn muscle, but it ain't that stubborn. You were like a son to me kid, but I have to put ya down.

---

El Mundo: I been left on the cutting room floor!

Retro Belmont

Robotnik: And you'll stay there. GWAAAAAAHHHHAAA! (Drowns out to a very slow pitch)

El Mundo: AY CRUMBS-

--

Masker: That's a nice little trick you pulled, hairy man.

Fred: Fuh

Masker: I'm saying that none of your fancy pants wordplay will work on me and/or the likes of me!

Fred: Well the likes of you are no match for my likes- Not even maybe my dislikes- then again you could probably beat up on my turn-ons if you get what I mean

Masker: Think I'm a woman?

Fred: Figured if I hit on you then it would magically transform you into one. But ALAS I can never love 'cause Bob Barker made sure of that

Masker: Make sure you stand still and I promise not to make a huge mess out of that sweaty corpse you call a body.

(Masker rummages from behind some piles of stones and pulls out a huge turret gun and straps it to his/her back. After lining up the cross hairs with Fred's face, the power begins to charge.)

Fred: Just promise me you're gonna do it slow and HARD

Masker: I would have felt more comfortable if that guy in a mobile suit was here instead of you right now. Whatever, we can't all be winners in war-

(From behind, Masker is struck once in the back of the ol' noodle. Retro re-appears over by Fred and cracks his knuckles while watching Masker slowly get up.)

Fred: I was about to get laid you ass, now WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT

Retro: You're next.

Fred: Ruh-roh!

(Masker takes advantage of the moment and fires the turret gun, still not at full power, nailing Retro in the side of his face. His body crashes headlong into several buildings before finally slowing down enough to hit some nice soft rocks. Fred swings his arms over his head in circular patterns as he rushes at Masker. He is deflected by a burning metal bat to the ribs and collapses down on the sand. Fred recovers and latches himself Maskers face- then turns around, and farts at it.)

Fred: Now it's like we've done it- MY GAS IS IN YOOOOOOOOOU

Masker: This battle can't be waged on regular terms.

Fred: Is that how you like it?

(A blast thunders and lightings down from above, crashing into the area where the two were fighting or just talking actually. Retro lands back on the ground- or that's what he would think except it was actually Fred.)

Retro: Those five months of damnation/brainwashing/government testing must've really drained my energy, I can't even kill this guy. Before I could do it by just looking at him.

(Retro stares at Fred, who explodes.)

Retro: Huh. Never mind then.

(Fred suddenly reforms from nothing and stands up beside Retro, who just shakes his head at him. Masker rolls out from behind a trashcan or something and also stands.)

Masker: What you think some energy blast can really kill me? ME!?

Retro: That's what I was hoping.

Masker: Well then you were right- (collapses).

Fred: We really showed him, eh Ret-UGGHHHH

(Retro tightens his already iron grip around Fred's throat and starts demanding he lead him to some real pixels round' here.)

Fred: The truth is, pixels are EVERYTHING. We're all just a program in the great big computer of LI (Tightens grip)- AYE AYE AYE!

Retro: I WILL KILL YOU HOW ABOUT THAT HUH?

Fred: I

(Retro crushes Fred's head and throws it up- so up that it actually flies up and out of Rapture, the ocean, and then straight up into space- then keeps going until it goes all of the way up to heaven. But it doesn't stop there- it keeps flying up, so up in fact is is now below- in Hell that is. Fred's body goes through Hell, takes a five minute break in Purgatory, then flies up the Earth's crust and finally stops back where Retro first threw him- the sea floor at Rapture.)

Retro: Wh-

---

(Masker barely survived the last attack, but still survived anyhow. Crawling behind some rocks, Masker finds the Robot gatekeeper that was so embarrassingly put down- to Hell.)

Masker: BIIIIIIGGGGGG OOHHHH! IT'S SHOW TIME.

(Gatekeeper doesn't even move and inch at all- it's pathetic really. So Masker plugs it in and hits ON. Still nothing. Then he flips it upside down. IT WORKS!)

Masker: If I didn't say it once I'll say it twice- I mean wait, what? Okay so I'll just say this ONCE. I'm comin for you, Retro Belmont!

---

Fred: at.

Retro: I don't understand life or death anymore. I just don't, I'm sorry.

Fred: Yeah there aren't any pixels, cept' in God's land. He's caught em' all, even Mew.

Retro: Then right now I AM the most powerful thing in Raptu- oh wait what the hell, why didn't I just go back to Earth and blow it up instead of coming here for a few pixels at best?

Fred: Or why didn't we even go past the gatekeeper's...gate?

Retro: Um. Well...

Masker: There you are! There he is! We're all here so let's have us a party of killing!

Fred: And I'll be the mustard.

Retro: What!? Can't I kill ANYTHING anymore!?

Masker: Do you hear it? THE BOOTS? THEY'RE HERE! UNDERNEATH RAPTURE.

Retro: I...don't hear anything.

Fred: Yeah really just what are you trying to pull here?

Masker: I was trying to pull a fast one AND YOU TWO FELL FOR IT.

Retro: What the hell why am I writing like this?

Fred: Wrong character, Retro.

Retro: Oh whoops.

Narrator: This is retarded. I don't even know where I'm going with this. You guys can just go off on your little walk to the gate. And Masker-

Masker: Yes, master?

Narrator: Be a good sport and die for me, would you?

Masker: Right awa-URK.

Narrator: Alright I'm re-doing this part. So you two act natural while I think about this.

Retro: I wonder if he has any pixels.

Fred: I bet if we kill him we'll find out.

Narrator: You think I can't hear that? WELL I CAN CAUSE' I WROTE IT, SO THE JOKES ON YO- URRRKKKK.

Retro: That was easy.

Fred: Nope, no pixels here.

Retro: You're still not helping me much at all, you know.

Fred: That's just how I roll.

(A sound PROTRUDES behind them.)

Masker: I'm...ALIVE!?

Retro: What the hell, that guy must be new or something.

Masker: Kinda sorta not really. He just kind of sucks-ANYWAY, I'm also a good actor, or so it would seem.

Fred: Have you guys noticed that nothing has really happened this WHOOOLE time?

Retro: Someone make a plot twist, and FAST!

Masker: I- uh, I'm your...father?

Retro: What!?

Masker: It's true I think.

Fred: Dude I am totally believing this.

Masker: (Pulls off mask) And I'm also Fera.

Retro: SWHUH?

Masker: Not really. (pulls off another mask to reveal a blank white face underneath)

Retro: You had me for a sec there.

Fred: Well not me.

Masker: How's that for a plot twist?

Narrator: Not nearly good enough. In fact, it sucked on too many levels.

Masker: Alive, are you?

Narrator: I'm the new guy. 1 4L50 Wr173 L1k3 7H1-URRRKKKK.

Fred: That was fast. FAST SUCKING HAHAHAHAHAH what.

Retro: I don't like this one bit. ONE BYTE.

Masker: Now back to our BATTUL!

(Masker powers up a giant robot fist and back hands Fred with it. Retro side steps a second one and follows up with his own powered up pixel smack to the gatekeeper/masker/some thing's face. Fred grabs a mace from his pants and smashes away at the frame of the robot, then eats one of it's arms or something. Masker leaps back and fires two torpedoes from it's chest and knocks down a few buildings around them, missing horribly but looking cool from the right perspective- no not every perspective. Retro reacts a bit slower to a karate chop from the robot, but still shrugs off the attack and counters with his own chop, this time slicing through machine parts. Blood-I mean oil spews out of the robot body. Masker presses buttons frantically, and accidentally presses eject while trying to find the coffee button. Masker is flung from the cockpit while the robot spins wildly. About five minutes pass and the robot is still spinning. Fred gets bored and tosses a rock at it, and it explodes like some fancy fireworks.)

Masker: Screw this, I'll be back.

(As Masker runs for dear life, he's crushed by a falling safe.)

Retro: Right! Well anyway, let's just pass through this gate and call it a day already.

Fred: How do you know if we're going IN or OUT?

Retro: Uh. I don't?

(The fallen safe behind them explodes. Afterwards a body comes flying out of it, and it's heading straight for them.)

Fred: IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT FER' US!

Retro: It's not Masker, so who is it?

Flying body about to land in the next post or some post soon after: It ain't Dracula, yerp.

Mariorocks

~To Clyde's base~

Nintendofreak: Oooh!! BLARGH!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

~Nintendofreak is bent over clentching his chest~

Fontane: See, kid? It's all about who has the ball in their court.

Nintendofreak: IT HURTS...!

Kain: Quit your whining! It's just gas!!

Nintendofreak: W-what?!

Kain: Yeah, it's the only trigger phrase we could'nt disable, funny as it is.

Fontane: Ha! Told ya' kid! You're still under my control!

Nintendofreak: Okay...I think it's done...

Kain: Good, now I have to reveal a major plot point about your past that will send you on a dark path of revenge against Fontane or something.

Nintendofreak: Why is this part of the OG so boring?!

Kain: It's always boring when you learn someone's past, now let's take a walk.

Nintendofreak: I rather stay here, thank you.

Kain: Well anyway, Hm...Where to start...Well lesse, there was Rapture, which became a beutiful utopia filled with good stuff and blah blah blah, then Clyde, Ryan and Fontane came along looking to rule Rapture. Eventually Fontane gained enough money to fund a cloning program that would give him an army of super soldiers. Clyde was the director of the program. While this was happening there were some dirty sea slugs that Fontane found and stuff and the slugs produced this weird stuff that we used to make ADAM.

Nintendofreak: What's ADAM?

Kain: ADAM is this weird stuff that's really weird in a weird way. It can regenerate and enhance cells in a couple seconds, so Fontane decided to use ADAM in his soldier program which was dubbed the Mariorocks Project, Mario was a great musician at the time whom Fontane was obsessed about. Obviously in order to make a clone you need an original, so Fontane hired the world's greatest soldier to be cloned.

Nintendofreak: If I'm the world's greatest soldier, then why am I not so...Soldier-ish?

Kain: I'm getting to that.

Nintendofreak: Oh, proceed

Kain: ANYWAY, there were 63 clones...cloned and they all got codenames which ended with a 65. Clyde wasn't fully faithful to Fontane and decided to create his own clone that could protect him and destroy Fontane's clone army if he needed. Which is where I came along, Clyde took all the best traits of the clones and multiplied them, he also tried to diminish their defects which worked........To an extent. It wasn't long until Fontane discovered this and banished Clyde to the farthest depths of the ocean. I was captured and put in a cryo-tube for study. Fontane decided that if Clyde could make a better clone than so could he. He used the designes Clyde used to clone me and "perfected" them. Though I don't see what's so perfect about you.

Nintendofreak: I try.

Kain: Anyway, Clyde somehow managed to get back from whever the hell he was and broke me out of the cryo-tube where I killed alot of people and it was fun. However, Fontane sent you to hunt me down, suffice to say, it didn't end well for either of us...I did manage to hit your noggin rather hard which probably triggered your amnesia.

Nintendofreak: What thanks alot!...Asshole.

Kain: Well If I didn't do that you would still be Fontane's meat puppet!

Nintendofreak: Uh, Thanks?

Kain: So back to the story, Fontane unleashed his clone army, including you, on the city. Clyde knew that Ryan's security-bots could only hold back the clones for so long. So he sent me topside but not before destroying Fontane's base. Clyde stayed in Rapture and proceeded to exterminate the rest of the clones, it wasn't easy either. So with you having amnesia and no access to your battle skills Fontane took the disguise as The Director and adopted you, waiting for the right time to bring you to Rapture in order to rule it, with all the money, military power, and ADAM. Once you killed Ryan, Director was free to reveal himself since there was no great threat to him anymore.

Nintendofreak: But this doesn't make sence! I'm older than Director!

Kain: Lies, Fontane had the power to give you fake memories, memories of a family and friends when in truth he was only using you. The truth is, there are no such things as friends, only allies

Nintendofreak: But Isn't an ally a friend?!

~Nintendofreak is punched by Kain~

Kain: I spent my entire life living in your shadow! Do you realize how it feels to know you are and always will be inferior! From the moment of your creation it has been my purpose to destroy you! But here you are without any skills! Killing you now would prove nothing. When you regain your abilities, I will fulfill my purpose.

Nintendofreak: Okay Mr. Crazy.

~Clyde enters the room. Kain and Clyde exchange glances~

Clyde: I trust you told the boy?

Kain: Every last thing.

Clyde: Good, good. The invasion will start soon, you need to suit up.

Nintendofreak: But what about my hat?! And my overalls?! They're kinda my thing.

Clyde: Overalls are so last year, you need a comic-book like battle suit if you're going into this invasion.

Nintendofreak: Well...Can I keep the cape and sunglasses?

Clyde: Fine.

~Clyde presses a button on the wall and another wall flips around to reveal a black padded torso with a red X design running from the chest to the back. There are pants with red running from the legs and fading to black at the waist with a black stripe at the knees.~

Nintendofreak: Sweet!

Fread of the Bed

(The body turns out to be a large coffin. Pressurized gas exudes from the sides as the lid lifts, and a familiar janitor rises from the dead wearing a Darth Vader mask)

Fred: No! You're supposed to be dead!

Retro: Damn, I knew it was good to be true. Murphy's not dead.

Murphy: (Darth Vader voice/breathing) I'm afraid that person is dead to me now, yerp. I am none other than Darth Murphy, yerp.

Fred: Me too. I'm also Darth Murphy. In fact, we're DOUBLE TROUBLE. Actually I don't like you very much you have a pine scent that removes my odor.

Retro: You had God-Powers last OG. You don't belong here.

Fred: Shove off Murphy. Take off, eh. Hoser.

DM: I'm afraid there's a lot of cleaning to be done, yerp. I'll mop the floor with you, yerp.

(Retro turns his arm into a hammer and crushes Murphy into a fine Darth Paste. Another Darth Murphy comes from another direction. And another. Soon, Fred and Retro are surrounded by Darth Murphys.)

Retro: We already met our quota for Matrix parodies.

DM: It is fate that binds us, yerp.

DM: Fate that rewinds us, yerp.

DM: Fate that'll find us, yerp.

DM: Fate that defined us.

DM: Fate that minds us.

DM: Fate that aligned us.

DM: Yerp.

Fred: Do you know what to do?

Retro: Yeahhhhh.

Fred: GOOD CAUSE I DON'T

(hundreds of darth murphys ignite lightsabers, rushing Retro and Fred. Retro shoots weapons off in all directions, eliminating most of them as Fred struggles to even dodge the lightsabres)

Retro: Fred.

Fred: This is tougher than a two dollar steak screw off

Retro: Fred.

Fred: This is tougher than tonka tough

Retro: I guess I do have to do everything (obliterates the other murphies)

Fred: Oh, I see.

Retro: No, there, diagonally.

(Fred turns around, and GORE has a million kajillion zombies dancing to thriller and occasionally wild wild west marching towards them and wearing boxing gloves and sombreros. Behind Fred and Retro 300 really ripped Darth Murphies beat their mops against their water-bucket shields.)

Retro: I've had enough movie references.

Fred: Get these mothafuckin movie refe-

Retro: Seriously let's just go open the gate.

Fred: THE GATE OH LET'S GO TO THE GATE

Retro: That's what I said seriously I could kill you right now and I wouldn't feel a tinge of remorse.

Fred: STARGATE OPENIN STARGATES WHAT COOL CATS ARE WE

Retro: I already tried that, though. Fine, we won't go to the stupid gate yet. Let's go kill whoever's in that well-guarded building over there. I mean, it's not a clear or reasonable goal, but at least it's something and it's probably evil.

Fred: A BUILDING THAT'S GUARDED| GUESS WE'RE RETARDED

Retro: (clamps Fred's mouth with a pixel-tentacle and leaps towards Fontane Industries) That's much better.

Retro Belmont

Fred: Fountain Industries?

Retro: I'm not even going to answer that. Hey, wait a second (tightens grip on Fred's face) how did you ASK that?

Fred: I don't talk with my mouth, I just move it to make it seem like I am.

Retro: So which hole of yours should I plug up next?

Fred: Let's make a game out of it.

DM: If only you knew the POWER of Yerp.

Retro: I should have killed you in Damnation while I had the chance. But then again I never had a chance to do anything before being abducted by some mind probe loving organization.

Fred: Huh?

Retro: (Already aiming at Darth Murphy's head, which is bobbing up and down as he dances to Thriller) I guess it doesn't matter right now, so I'll just kill him and be done with it.

(Retro fires a blast of energy but it misses Murphy completely. Darth Yerp or whatever grabs a dirty whistle from inside his cloak, brushes it off a little, then blows in it. From under the ground a skeleton raptor raises up and under Murphy.)

DM: Has Darth Murphy ever mentioned that I've always hated yer' guts? Yerp.

Retro: Who doesn't?

DM: By the way I will avenge the League of Murphy's, yerp.

Retro: You know, I've been charging this second shot since you got on that little dinosaur of yours. Let me guess, you're bringing back Epic Dino?

DM: Raptors are just cool, yerp.

(Murphy lets out a wail in the air, swinging his laser sword around like some kind of weapon that can be spun in the air, which isn't the laser sword I'll tell you that. So instead of looking like a cool overhead move, Murphy just slices his head off in front of them and falls off of his mount.)

Retro: Retarded.

Fred: (From inside the building) These guys got some nice fountains.

Retro: Be there in a sec, lemme just make sure this guy's really dead this time.

(Darth Murphy, even without a head, crawls out of the dirt and reaches for his laser sword. Retro bends down and grabs it before Murphy can grab it and stabs him through the back a few times, then just cuts him in half.)

DM: Y-Yerp...!

Retro: GOD that line sickens me. Oh I know, I'll cut out that voice box of yours. That's evil, right?

(30 seconds of surgery later.)

Retro: I noticed you booby trapped your voice box (pulls out poison barbs from the side of his neck) but in the end it didn't help you one bit.

DM: (In the raspiest voice you could ever imagine) Auh yew liddle whippershit- I'aulgh git yeu en yewr sleep! YUUUUUrrrkkkkssss,,,szdsadnnnn

Retro: Yeah I made sure you can't say "that word" anymore.

DM: Buh I'mma yur fadder!

Retro: Then it's time I put you in a home. A little home called Hell. But don't worry, me and a couple of my friends will be coming there soon, too.

Fred: In that case I'm not your friend anymore, BUHHHHDEE.

Retro: Don't worry I'll personally make sure I don't spend eternity with you.

Fred: I mean that this place has some good fountains.

Retro: More like good-

DM: Yuuuurrrfsssshhhh! HERTZ!

Retro: Yeah try all you want you aren't saying Yerp-DAMMIT!

DM: Ew haff mbraished da waiys of Murff. Yewz it wuell

(Murphy dies and then vanishes or something stupid like that. A bunch of Darth Murphy clones around him also vanish, or just explode in purple ketchup.)

Mariorocks

~In the debreifing room~

Clyde: And that's the plan!

Soldier: But why do we need the rubber chicken? And the 3 dozen playboys?

~Kain snaps the soldier's neck~

Clyde: Any more questions?

Nintendofreak: So what do I do?

Clyde: Well Fontane has established his army of zombie splicers and giant security drones outside of the security tower, the only things allowed to enter are Little Sisters and Big Daddies.

Orter: I'm not sure I like where this is going.

Clyde: We'll need to dress Nintendofreak up as a Big Daddy so Fontane won't recognise him.

Orter: I'm really not liking where's this is going.

Clyde: And since nobody really cares and he's the only one that fits in the costume, Orter will be going as a Little Sister.

Orter: Dammit!

Clyde: Once you two get inside you need to locate the power generator and shut it down by any means necessary! The security system will crash and the invasion force can attack the building while Nintendofreak does a climactic battle with Fontane or something.

Director

Fontane: Think being a big daddy will help, kid?

Nintendofreak: Uh.

Fontane: Well if you want to get to me, you'll have to fight him. Nice knowing ya, kid.

*The walkie talkie shuts off*

Nintendofreak: Who was he talking about?

~A TV in the corner of the room goes blank with that old timey stand by thing, suddenly an image appears on it it has a man with a mustache, with very refined features~

"Big brother is watching."

Clyde: Oh shrack, not Big Brother!

Retro Belmont

(Meanwhile, Retro and Fred walk into Fontane Industries without even fighting any robot guards or anything. They do get shot awkward glances by some of the employees wandering the halls. They drop their papers and back up against the walls, gasping for breath. Retro can't even tell if they're scared of him or just weirded out by Fred, but he blasts them anyway. For some reason the check in desk is on the third floor, Fred walks up and slaps down an employee card on the table and winks at the secretary, who just chews on her gum slowly and blows a bubble in Retro's face, then goes back to reading her magazine. Retro kills her too.)

(Five minutes in the elevator later, the door to floor #86 explodes outward, probably killing some interns but it's not like Retro cares anyway. Fred follows him but walking slowly, as if admiring his work. He stops to stare at the bloody mess of organs and tissue splattered on the wall. He nods his head to it with his thumb and index finger around his chin. Skipping ahead, Director or rather Fontane is sitting at his large desk in his large office, staring out over his Rapture. He nurses Apple Juice out of a box with an Evil look in his eyes. The door behind him comes collapsing down, an explosion following.)

Retro: (Cracks Knuckles) Oh good, I was starting to wonder when we were actually going to get past all of that damn description dialogue.

Fontane: Retro Belmont. Oh, wait...

(Takes off I guess some mask which reveals the exact same thing he had on his face a second ago.)

Director: Retro. Would it have been so hard just to stay dead?

Retro: It's hard to stay dead when you weren't dead or probably weren't going to die to begin with. (Shrugs)

Director: Then my job isn't finished!

Retro: Look at you, BIG EVIL EGGPLANT. I'm so scared I think I just dropped anchor.

Director: I know, don't I make such a good bad guy? I'm like, Fontane!

Retro: Lame. You're lame. Shut up and die.

Director: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?

Retro: I can hit whomever I want, except that guy behind me who doesn't even know how to die.

Fred: Fruit cups.

Director: Then I guess I'll have to BEEEENNNND YOUR MIIINNNND!

(Director tries to control Retro's mind but fails miserably.)

Retro: Pfft, you should not have traded your pixels for stupid tricks like that, man.

Director: What is a man? A miserable little pile of pixels! (Throws apple juice into a fireplace with rage) Enough talk! Have at you!

(Fontrector raises above him a non-existent cape until now over his body and disappears from behind his desk, then reappears again in front of Retro, traveling a few feet at best, I mean really he could have just walked around it or something. Fontane lifts up his cape once again and shoots out some fireballs at Retro, who easily dodges and flies past Fontane, nailing him one in the face. While Fontane falls towards the ground, Retro grasps his um...fruitiness and swings him around in circles, then through some marble, steel, or concrete wall. I'll let you decide which one it was.)

(Fontanerama brushes himself off quickly fires some kind of bolt of lightning out of both roots, hitting Retro in his face, but he just scratched at it like an itch. Retro lunges forward and disappears, then reappears behind Fontane, alternating with both fists as he hammers away at his back. He finishes his amazingly long combo of punches with locked fists against the back of Fontane's head, and sends him flying again. Retro speeds by his body and catches him on the other side of the room, and drops him on the floor in front of him.)

Fontane: Hehe, you're too arrogant for your own good, kid. I've been holding back! And yes, I can sure hold back a lot when I need to.

Retro: Sucks for you, I don't even bother.

Fontane: BIG DADDIES, HEAR MY CALLS, SHOW YOUR FACE AND WHIP OUT YOUR...WEAPONS!

(Hundreds of Big Daddies swarm into the now cramped office, and immediately open fire on Retro. Missiles and turret guns destroy the walls around them. Retro manages to take out one or so of them before just concealing himself in the smoke. After at least ten minutes of heavy fire, the Big Daddies cease their assault. The entire floor they were on is now just one big flat open plain. Director emerges and starts laughing until he chokes on his spit, and then spots Retro emerges unscathed behind a couple of Big Daddies, who just get blasted away by Retro's hand.)

Fontane: (Smirk) Big Daddies, crush that big idiot over there. Please and DO IT! DO IT NOW!

(Big Daddies jump at Retro from all sides but just get obliterated easily. The smoke around him clears away soon after, and Retro smirks to himself.)

Retro: Send hundreds, send thousands even. It won’t really matter.

(One Big Daddy enters.)

Retro: Okay, just send one, I don’t care.

(The Big Daddy breaks down and opens up. There, inside, is Nintendofreak. He steps out and collapses on the ground; he shakes his fists angrily in the air. The Big Daddy suit behind him drops on the ground a charred heap of a man on the ground. Retro goes wide-eyed when he sees it.)

Retro: Well, I’m screwed.

(Just then a building in the far distance explodes all intense and crazy. The nuclear core building collapses to the ground and causes several shock waves heading throughout Rapture. Several other buildings collapse around them and the Fontane Industries security tower also rocks back and forth several moments before stopping.)

Fred: Okay.

---

(Earlier that day, outside of Fontane Industries)

NF: This building looks a lot more intimidating in real life.

Orter: They never told me that this costume was just the skin of a Little Sister. God I’m gonna throw up in my mask.

NF: All we gotta do is slip in and power down the security whatchamacallit. Then we can fight back against Director.

Orter: What does he need a security system for again?

NF: Well he-

---

(Syawnek sits in front of a computer screen in the CIA submarine, watching a windows logo fly across the screen several times before being woken up by a flashing red light. He jolts up straight and slams his palm down on a button. A man on the other end of the screen several miles away is spreading cream cheese on a bagel.)

Man: Syawnek, you’ve lost contact with Masker haven’t you?

Syawnek: (Shrugs) Looks like it.

Man: What do you think of bagels, Mr. Syawnek?

Syawnek: They are wholesome and delicious when they want to be. Sir, I sent the call hours ago, we need help-

Man: SILENCE! I already knew of the situation from how you answered my bagel question. I do need to know something though Syawnek, does the prototype know if we’re here yet?

Syawnek: Uh, I dunno. Last I checked I think he was in the nuclear core bui-(KRA-KOOM) –ding.

Man: (Dropping his bagel on a sleeping cat under him) Syawnek! What was the crash?

Syawnek: The Nuclear building, sir, it’s gone. Blown up. Screwed.

Man: My team and I are on their way now. We’ll probably be there in, oh, a post or two. Until then, continue the scan for pixels in the area.

Syawnek: Right. Whatever. Bye.

---

NF: Are we THERE yet?

Orter: We haven’t moved since you stopped in the middle of answering my question.

NF: Well I’m not going to finish answering it either, so live with that. Anyways, let’s just sneak past these Big Daddies who are staring at us suspiciously, and we’re as good as in.

Big Daddy: DUR ARE YOU GUYS’S BIG DADDIES?

NF: No. I MEAN YEAH, YEAH WE ARE.

Big Daddy: OKAY DOKAY THEN, WELCOME TO FONTANE INDUSTRIES SIR AND OR MADAM.

Orter: Well that was easy.

Big Brother: EASY FOR ME, YOU MEAN. YOU FOOLS, I’LL ENJOY RIPPING YOUR GAL BLADDERS OUT FROM YOUR EYE SOCKETS AND- Just kidding it’s me, guys. (Rips off mask)

Orter: Rot…cerid?

Rotcerid: Yeah I was totally dead because Retro killed me but then I kept bugging the guy who ruled Purgatory and he let me back into the mortal life… for a price.

NF: Don’t make me ask, I’m in no mood to ask. OK WHY?

Rotcerid: He said if I ever explained the price for which I was brought back, I would go right back to purgatory forever.

Retro & Oter: . . .

Rotcerid: . . .

(POOF!)

Orter: Alright, so where’s that security thing again?

NF: Looks like it was under the chair he was sitting on. Alright, security is now down.

(Some Big Daddy’s around them notice what just happened and look around confused)

Bid Daddy #1: What was that?

Big Daddy #2: Must be another drill.

(Another alarm goes off, several Big Daddies’ start running for the fire poles and ride them up to the top floors. Another more powerful looking Big Daddy runs up to NF and the other Big Daddy’s and hollers at them.)

Big Daddy #3: Call from the boss, he just pressed the silent alarm. Apparently someone’s invaded the south end of the building. You three are going on the front lines, now get a move on.

Big Daddy #2: Must be another drill.

Orter: I got a bad feeling about this.

NF: Let’s just call back to base and tell them to start their attack too.

(…)

Clyde: YEAH WHADDYA WANT?

NF: Security or whatever is down, but there’s some other guy here tearing up the other half of the building. You want we should take care of him?

(Kane pushes Clyde out of the way and talks to them instead.)

Kane: The armada is being assembled as we speak, but we weren’t really expecting you guys to call back so soon. We’re kind of in the middle of a Smash Bros. Tournament.

NF: FINE, we can take out all of these guys by ourselves, right Orter?

Orter: Not in this dress I can’t.

(Orter rips the Little Sister skin off of him and throws it in a dumpster that was somehow put in the security building. Another Big Daddy, looking more battle worn, and not to mention bigger than the others, just so happens to be passing by. Also, all over his face are dents from kicking maybe.)

Big General: INTRUDER IN HERE. KILL.

NF: My kicking days are back! WAIT HOW DO I PILOT THIS DAMN THING.

Orter: You seemed okay this far, what’s wrong now?

NF: Well I mean I was on auto-pilot but then I started drinking coffee, and well one thing lead to another and eventually I violated the main CPU. I mean literally. I violated it. It’s exactly what you’re thinking of.

Orter: What?

NF: What, indeed.

Big General: I AM BE KICKING YOU IN THE FACE NOW. YOUR FACE IS THAT WHICH IS KICKED HERE TODAY. NOW THE KICK IS ON YOUR OTHER SHOE!

Orter: He’s beaten us in logic!

Nintendofreak: Only thing to do now is hope we can out kick him… I just gotta get this thing to work first!

(While Nintendofreak reaches in the glove compartment to look for the owner’s manual, Orter goes kick for kick with the Big Daddy. Even if Orter nails him a few good ones, he can’t deal any serious damage. The Big General soon however gets his offensive going even more strong and knocks Orter away, then sends him flying into some pillows…exploding pillows that is. After crawling out of ashes and feathers, Orter scrambles to his feet just to get socked a good one in his mouth. By the way that was with the hand that’s a drill; just don’t question how he is even alive after that.)

Nintendofreak: Work work work work work. (Punches his hand through computer screen) That should do it.

(The Big Daddy suit starts flailing its arms around wildly and knocks itself into the Big General before it can crush Orter. The Big General grabs the front of the suit and pushes back against it. Mario- I mean Nintendofreak presses the “Touch this button to make the suit work properly again” button and the suit jerks right upward and uppercuts the Big General all the way up through the ceiling or whatever. Nintendofreak scoops up Orter and leaps up through the gigantic holes in the ceiling he just made and pursues the Big General. Landing on the newly cleared top floor, behind them a large smoke of gunfire is blasting away what little is left of the floor. Nintendofreak tosses Orter off to the side and rushes at the Big General, who is staggering to rise up himself. Nintendofreak, from inside the suit, slides a lever upward to grab the Big General in his hand, then retracts the lever inside the suit again to send a bolt of energy through his arm and through the Big General all the way through to the other side. The Big General launches his arm out of its socket and straight into Nintendofreak’s suit. It would have hit him had he not ducked down to pick up his wallet that fell out of his pocket a second earlier. Yeah, he’s that lucky.)

(Nintendofreak sits up and pauses to stare out of the newly punctured hole in the front of his suit and notices the Big General readying another punch with its drill hand. Nintendofreak puts one of his suit’s hands against the drill while it was spinning, getting it jammed with it. With one free hand, Nintendofreak starts pounding away at the outside of the Big General’s face…plate.)

(Eventually the drill bit comes free and drills into Nintendofreak’s suit, this time stopping it where it stood. Nintendofreak, that lucky bastard, manages to evade it and ejects himself from the suit, up and over the Big General and landing behind him. While the Big General stood drilling through the suit he was stuck. Nintendofreak took this moment to charge all this epic fireball energy to his hand. The Big General holds up a claw and starts spinning it. Nintendofreak releases the energy into the Big General, but he intercepts it with his claw and keeps it spinning until it disappears. The Big General stops drilling, and with it's free hand reaches behind himself, grabs Nintendofreak, and then starts to crush him.)

Orter: ~Regains consciousness~ ...Huh? What? No! Nintendofreak!

Nintendofreak: Gragh, my lungs! My precious, awesome clone LUNGS!

(Orter tosses off his coat/jacket and reveals his twin swords that he's hardly used yet, and weilds one in each hand. With a leaping strike, he attacks the arm of the Big General, sending Nintendofreak to the ground with a thud. The Big General reaches for Orter, who jumps on top of his fist, and runs up his arm towards his face. Unleashing a crazy set of kicks and slash combos on the Big General's face, he jumps over the Big General's head and lands behind him. Before the Big General can make another move, Orter rips off the drill arm of Nintendofreak's Big Daddy suit, still drilling, and rams it thought the Big General's exoskeleton. The Big General roars, and falls to the ground.)

Big General: I AM BE TAKING YOU WITH ME!

(The Big General sntaches Nintendofreak once more and holds him near him, and begins to glow and shake. Orter looks up, uneasy.)

Orter: He's going to detonate himself, apparently Big Daddies can do that!

Nintendofreak: Or just Big Generals.

Orter: You're going to DIE if you don't do something! Focus!

(Orter suddenly is sent flying forward by a stray missile that is launched from another Big Daddy obviously missing terribly when trying to hit Retro. Orter lands, and looks up, he sees Retro kneeling on the ground, easily avoiding all of the gunfire around him. He freezes, and wants to say or do something, but can't.)

Orter: My body isn't responding...what have I done?!

(Orter's subconscious starts to fill up with images of Nintendofreak dying from the Big General blast, and, almost as a reflex, gets up and leaps at him.)

Orter: (What am I doing? Should I really save him by giving my own life? Why can't I stop? Is...Is this what it feels like to be him?!?! Grraaaaaaaagh!!)

(Orter jumps at the Big Generals' hand, lashes it with his blades, and kicks Nintendofreak, as he falls, over to safety, he then crosses his blades and tackles the Big General until it stumbles, and explodes.)

Orter: At least once before I died...I could experience it! (Caught in the massive firey explosion, and perishes)

Nintendofreak: No! ORTER!!

(Orter falls to the ground a darkened, charred away mess. Dazed, Nintendofreak mourns him quickly, then pries open his suit and powers it on, grabs orter's body and heads towards the area where the smoke is clearing. I think you can guess the rest.)

[OKAY PRESENT TIME HERE WE GO!]

Retro: And the gang’s all here! Save for Fera who is dead or at least somewhere out there living a boring life. I’ll have to check up on that later. But anyway, now I get to kill both of you at once. This will be fun. And for a lack of better reason it’s because Orter is dead.

Fontane: But…you should be dead too!

Retro: I’m not complaining with the reality of the situation, so I’ll just roll with it.

Fontane: Well kid, it looks like you got to me after all. I can see Big Brother was of no use to me after all.

Nintendofreak: Yeah your brother (literally) was pretty much a waste of a couple of sentences.

Retro: I’d love to keep talking but you two are like tied for first on my blacklist. DIRECTOR AND NINTENDOFREAK, YOU. ARE. MINE!!!

Fontane: We’ll talk for as long as we want, please and thank you.

(Punches Director in the face and sends him flying across the room.)

Retro: I told you that stuff don’t work with me!

Fontane: Fine! Fred, bring me my pills sonny boy.

Fred: Finally, something to do!

(Fred sidesteps over to Director, hands him some plasmids and back flips his way outside.)

Fontane: Ultimate power is awesome, don’t you think?

Retro: I would know. You wouldn’t.

(Director grunts, then injects or does whatever he has to do to put the plasmids into his blood stream. After a moment or two he finally starts rising up again, and he either has the shakes or he’s just all powerful now.)

Fontane: I’m all powerful alright. It’s time I seriously taught you both a lesson personally about who is the real bad guy round’ here.

Nintendofreak: I’m not evil!

Fontane: Okay that’s a lesson for Retro. YOUR lesson is just for me to smack you down and end your days as a clone and as a living thing in general. I won’t even bother mind controlling you. Quite frankly, I’m bored with it. I have powers now that surpass even the Pixels!

Retro: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Fontane: (Smiles) Shame, I’ll be beating you down so fast your brain won’t even get a chance to register such a thing as sight.