Gamehiker Member OG 4 Page 1

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Author: SteveT

~Deep in the shadows, the gods are locked in debate~

One: The OGs are no longer under our control.
Two: Too much has changed. We must begin again.
Three: It is the only way.
One: Then it is decided. We shall create a new OG.
Three: But by whose hand shall it be done?
One: Not it.
Two: Not it.
Three: Oh, fine...

~Blue letters rise to the surface of a dark pool~

Gamehiker Member OG IV: Cheesecake of the Gods

~Lightning flashes over a small diner in the desert~

~Darkness~

~A light turns on. All you see is a cheesecake on a shelf. A giant face comes into view~

Luigi_64: Yo, yo, yo, that's money! Cheesecake!

Arab Dude: Employees only!

Luigi_64: Nah, homes. It's cool. I'm just scoring some cheesecake, yo.

Arab Dude: Get out of my refrigerator! I serve the cheesecake around here.

Luigi_64: If it bugs you so much, I'll just take da cake and sit down, A.D.

Arab Dude: I'm charging double.

~Thunder sounds, and the lights go out~

~When power returns, Luigi_64 is sitting at a table, his face in the cheesecake. All the surrounding tables are filled with the Gamehikers~

Yami Yoshi: He's not breathing.

SteveT: Good.

Masamune: Oh darn...

SteveT: I was kind of worried for a second. He was still moving when I let go.

Luigi: At least he died young. Having two characters with the same first name gets rather burdensome.

SteveT: I killed him.

Vorpal: Who do you think killed him?

SteveT: I did.

Golem: It could have been any one of us.

SteveT: No, just me.

GORE: No one leaves until we find out.

SteveT: You already did.

MJ: But how will we figure this out.

SteveT: I just told you.

~The door to the diner flings open, and a flash of lightning reveals Straw Man, dressed like Sherlock Holmes~

Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.

Chibi Devil: You can say that again.

Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.

Chibi Devil: You can say that again.

Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.

Chibi Devil: You can say that again.

Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.

Chibi Devil: You can say that again.

Straw Man: I see...wait, you just told me to stop saying that.

Chibi Devil: No I didn't.

Straw Man: You can say that again

Chibi Devil: No I—what? Hey!

Straw Man: Now then, I shall examine the evidence. Who last spoke to Luigi_64?

Vorpal: I believe it was Arab Dude.

SteveT: I think I might have said something to him while I was killing him.

Straw Man: Well then, Arab Dude is our prime suspect.

~Straw Man examines Luigi_64 and the cheesecake~

Straw Man: I have it! See these footprints? The pattern of the crumbs? The fingerprints on the cake? It's so obvious!

Masamune: What is?

SteveT: That I killed him. Obvious because I told you I did.

Straw Man: Just a moment. ~Flips through Straw Man's Book of Citation~ Yes, I'm sure of it.

Golem: Well tell us already!

Straw Man: The killer is gone. You must travel to Boston...or as I call it, Rocketsville III. Many things are amiss in that city. I have a feeling you'll find your killer there.

~Lightning strikes one final time, and the storm blows away~

Author: Luiigii of the Pipes

~In Boston there exists a man. His name is Tortilla the Hun. He has the power to cook any pseudo-Mexican food in ten seconds flat. But since this story is about cheesecake, he can cook that too. He also hosts his own TV show, which involves more knife-throwing and product-pushing than actual cooking. It's on right now in Arab Dude's diner.~

Tortilla: That's right, viewers. *I* killed Luigi_64 in cold cheesecake. Do not ask how I got from here to Las Vegas in such a short time, and how I got back in an even shorter time. And now, let's learn how to make the perfect burrito with anchovies and just a hint of candle wax...

Straw Man: Our first suspect!

SteveT: I hate you.

Author: Masamune

Masamune: We'll take the Swordefeller!

Steve: I sold it.

Dodo: It's gone!

Masamune: Who could have done this!?

Steve: Me.

Masamune: When I find the man who did this, they shall rue the day...

Steve: Plenty of rueing over here.

Luigi: Fortunately I brought a Jedi Star Fighter.

Masamune: Really?

Luigi: No, but it would've been a good idea.

Vorpal: In that case, we'll take the Vorp-Mobile!

~A big V flashes across the screen~

Masamune: How did we get here?

Vorpal: Cheap special effects. Behold, you are in the Vorp Cave!

Narrator: The screen pans out to a huge chasm. Inside is a V-shaped Jet, a huge supercomputer, a big screen TV equipped with a wall of game slots for every game possible, a surround sound system surrounded by a cozy pad of sofas and chairs, a huge industrial size refridgerator, a private kitched and dinette, a swimming pool and spa, a golf course, two basketball courts, a padded room for fencing, a three level dungeon, a giant aquarium, and-

Marin: Okay! We get it, he has a lot of stuff. Sheesh.

Goombutler: *in snobby, british accent* Will you be going out with your friends, Master Hamilton?

Vorpal: Don't tell them my secret identity!

Goombutler: You went through half of GMOG as Hamilton.

Vorpal: Dammit!

Steve: Interesting. *writes that down*

Vorpal: Anyways. *walks over to a sleek purple car that is definitely not anything like the Wario Car* The Vorp Mobile!

Golem: We all won't fit in that.

Vorpal: Fine. We'll take the Vorp Tour Bus. *points to a big bus/RV that is also purple and black*

Fred: How exactly did you get all this?

Vorpal: When I stole the Vorpal sword back from Murasame, I snatched his credit card.

~Inside the Vorp Tour Bus, Vorpal is driving with GORE-ILLA stuffed in the passenger seat as 'co-pilot'~

GORE: On the road again... oh I can't want to get on the road again...

Vorpal: You're two OGs late for that.

GORE: Darn.

Author: Mario Jr.

~As the tour bus is driving down the highway, a woman is seen at the side of the road exposing her leg.~

Vorpal: Whoa! What was that?

GORE: Temptation.

Vorpal: I think that girl was pregnant. We should go back and help her out.

~MJ jumps up from his seat~

MJ: No! That woman is nothing but trouble.

GORE: I take it you recognize that woman.

Marin/MJ: Yes/No.

Marin: :roll: That's MJ's wife. Princess Andromeda of the [color=violet]Coral Kingdom[/color].

MJ: Damn you!

GORE: You're married?

MJ: Unfortunately yes.

GORE: I feel sorry for your wife.

MJ: Well you know what!? You better start feeling sorry for yourselves if you let her on the bus.

Andi: Let who on the bus?

MJ: Vorpal!

Vorpal: Sorry. My good summaritan genes got the best of me. I couldn't help it.

Andi: MJ! I travel the world looking for your sorry deadbeat ass and you don't so much as give your wife a hello.

MJ: Sign the divorce papers and then we'll talk.

Andi: We're talking now.

MJ: Damn you, woman!

Author: Masamune

~Elsewhere~

Don Cornmuffin: ~in thick, depe italian accent~ Tell me, CK. Why have you come?

Roy: The OGers turned the Caykzors against me and beat them like animals. It was wrong.

Don Cornmuffin: And you want revenge, is that it?

Roy: What do I have to pay you?

Don Cornmuffin: You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married asking me to do villainy for money. Do you even call me Codfather as I was to be to your children?

Roy: I only ask for justice.

Don Cornmuffin: Carrotcake... Carrotcake... What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your Caykzor army would be suffering this very day. And that by chance if an honest villain such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.

Roy: Be my friend... Codfather?

Don Cornmuffin: *gives him Hershey's Kiss* Good. Some day, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day -- accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.

~Elsewhere!~

Vorpal: Dun dun dun dun... VORPAL!

Masamune: Dude, you've been singing that for TWO HOURS. Turn the radio on or something!

Vorpal: It only picks up the Polka station. All the other stations messed up my device to tap into Police Communications and free Cable TV.

GORE: This gets free Cable TV?

Vorpal: Only if uh, the cable is hooked up...

GORE: *slaps forehead* Why am I not surprised.

Author: Luiigii of the Pipes

~The group arrives in Rocketsville III.~

Vorpal: There is something... amiss.

~Rocketsville III is completely destroyed.~

Vorpal: I've got it! That salon that used to be there is a convenience store! Damn, I loved getting a trim there...

~The others just kinda gape at the destruction.~

GORE: We should see if we can help.

Yami: How?

GORE: I dunno, any way.

~A legion of men walk out of the wreckage wearing fish-shaped helmets.~

Codtrooper: General Vorpal. We've been sent to assist you.

Vorpal: Meesa? A general? ~faints~

Codtrooper: Ooookay... General Masamune.

Masamune: Meesa? A general? ~faints~

Codtrooper: . . . Listen, why don't you all just make this easy and divide up, and we'll divide up and follow you?

~The Gamehikers divide up and explore the city. A light blinks on the watch of the Codtrooper following Golem. He presses a button and a hologram of Don Cornmuffin pops up.~

Don Cornmuffin: Execute Order #66096329875234437apluralZZalpha4

Codtrooper: Yes sir.

~The Codtrooper pulls out his codebook.~

Codtrooper: Let's see... let's see... Ah! Sir!

~Golem turns.~

Codtrooper: Sit down. You need a foot massage.

Golem: REAL-ly? Cool!

Don Cornmuffin: You idiot!

Codtrooper: Wait... wait...

~The Codtrooper shoots Golem. Sad music begins to play as the other Codtroopers shoot at him as well.~

~Masamune is riding around Rocketsville III in the Vorp Tour Bus. A Codtrooper targets him with a missile and fires, sending him flying off of the road and into a residential pond.~

~Marin leads some Codtroopers through a tangle of dead power cables. The Codtroopers stop suddenly, causing her to stop as well.~

Marin: It got quiet, suddenly. Is it an enemy?

Codtrooper: No.

~The Codtrooper shoots her in the back, followed by the others.~

~Luigi is following SteveT, Straw Man, and Lynel at a distance, when his legs collapse under him and he catches the side of a building.~

~Rhyk, Dodo, and GORE jet above the city, with several Codtroopers behind them. The Codtroopers start firing at Rhyk, who, despite using Dodo and GORE as shields, is shot down.~

~Kuria, Lady in Red, MJ, Rebe, Andi, and Yami huddle within some wreckage. Lupus approaches them.~

Yami: Lupus! We were attacked... what are we going to do...? Lupus...?

~Lupus steps away to reveal Fred, hammer at the ready. Yami backs away, growing fearful.~

~Luigi collapses, holding his forehead. He gets to his feet slowly as two Codtroopers approach him from behind. In a flash, he flips around and decapitates them both.~

Straw Man: You fool! Now who's going to help us? You've doomed us! We're doomed!

Luigi: There's trouble in Boston.

SteveT: You're quick.

Luigi: Let's go. ~climbs on to Lynel's back~

Lynel: . . .

~Goombutler flies the V-Plane to Rocketsville III, having noticed that it was burning. He lands outside of a building with several Codtroopers around it.~

Goombutler: I say! What's going on here, old beans?

Codtrooper: Nothing. This city is currently off limits. ~points his gun at Goombutler~ Please leave.

~Goombutler slowly backs away, when suddenly Vorpal lunges out of the building, flipping in midair to land between him and the Codtroopers, and starts cutting them down. The Codtroopers shoot at him until eventually he falls.~

Goombutler: MASTER!

Codtrooper: ~points at Goombutler~ No witnesses.

~Goombutler jumps back into the V-Plane and flies away as the Codtroopers shoot at him.~

Author: Masamune

~The V-Plane lands near Vorpal~

Goombutler: Oh dear, are you quite alright?

Vorpal: Ugh....

Goombutler: Sir?

Vorpal: I am the terror... that flaps in the night....

Goombutler: Very good sir. I found this fish on your head.

Vorpal: Wait... a fish?

~NEXT!~

~Vorpal descends into the building, his cape in a V shape all spooky like~

Lupus: Ah, Vorp-Man. What can I do for you.

Vorpal: *in deep edgy voice* So, you're taking out the OGers, are you?

Lupus: That's right, Vorp-Man, and there's a free fish-hat with every one we take down. Care for one?

Vorpal: No. You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.

Lupus: And what's that supposed to mean?

Vorpal: It means you set up Murasame! You orchestrated Luigi's fall to the Dark Side! You stopped the pizza from delivering to the M&M Galaxy in under thirty minutes! It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my paycheck and I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Luigi!

Lupus: We'll see about that, Detective Looselips. ~he chuckles as he presses a button on a remote~

Computer: Now activating fish brain-control devices.

Vorpal: Huh?

~Elsewhere~

Marin: *gets up* All hail Lupus.

Dodo: *does too* All hail Lupus.

Straw Man: All hail SOMEBODY ELSE. *takes off fish hat* I ain't no follower.

Luigi: We can't help them, come on.

Steve: Good, I hate all of them anyways. And you, but I'll betray you later, just like I did Luigi 64.

Straw Man: A murder I will solve. THE FIEND WILL NOT ESCAPE!

~Elsewhere!~

Masamune: *crawls out of the pond coughing* Back off fishies! I aten't dead!

Codtrooper 1: You're supposed to be dead!

Masamune: Am I not? *looks at self* Parsley... parsnip... partake... parffill...

Codtrooper 2: Parley?

Masamune: That's the one!

Codtrooper 1: *glares at the other Codtrooper and hisses* Parley!?

~And then, at the Codfather's Mansion!~

Don Cornmuffin: What is this? You bring this man here to speak to me, covered in water and smelling of fried fish?

Masamune: I do NOT smell of fried fish, they're baked. And one is grilled. *pulls a fish out of pocket* See?

Don Cornmuffin: You insolent little man. I'll have you killed as soon as I am done.

Masamune: You don't want to be doing that...

Don Cornmuffin: Oh, I think I do.

Masamune: Your funeral.

Don Cornmuffin: *groans* Why don't I want to be doing this?

Masamune: Because uh, I lost my train of thought. But hey, I betcha I'm more useful alive!

Don Cornmuffin: Bah, throw him in the dungeon.

Masamune: *suddenly backs up to the door* Gentlemen... Codfather. You will all remember this as the day you ALMOST. CAUGHT. Captain Masamune the uh, Beige! *trips on window, falls into the bush outside, runs away from the guard dogs, and ends up back inside*

Codtrooper: That has to be the worst pirate I have ever heard of.

Masamune: But you have heard of me. Wink

Author: Ditto McCloaker

Happy Little Elf: (comes out of tree) Hello world! Hello birds! I'm so insanely happy! HA HA HA HA HA AH HA!

Narrator: Now, if you're the sort of person who likes stories about cheerful little elves and singing forest animals and happy endings...

*thunder claps and scene changes to a cemetery as a dark figure stalks across it*

Narrator: I'm afraid this isn't the story for you. It's not too late. I'm sure there's a much more cheerful OG about hilarious Presiddntial adminsitrations or children on their way to a party just a few boards back. But this is not that kind of story. I wish I could tell you that Vorpal and Masamune ran far, far away from this destroyed city to a land of rainbows and chocolate.

Vorpal: Ooh!

Narrator: But this would not be the truth.

Vorpal: Neutral

Narrator: I have dedicated my life to exposing every detail of this Sequence of Regrettable Occurrences. This is the story of the Vorpamune Orphans.

*Narrator lights a match and holds it to a tombstone. The tombstone is engraved "DITTO MCCLOAKER".*

Narrator: Masamune, the older one. Who liked to watch television.

Masamune: We're not orphans.

Vorpal: Our parents are very much alive.

Narrator: And Vorpal, who didn't know when to shut up.

Slort: [Pwned].

Narrator: And Slort, who liked to bite things. You see, he was just a baby Goomba, and couldn't talk..

Slort: [I'm a fully grown Goomba, and I speak Goombeli].

~Vorpal and Masamune run through the devastated city until finally arriving on a street block where two houses are not destroyed.

They look at the first house, a ginormous, gothic-looking, run-down manse with dead trees out front and a giant, rumbling, ominous black cloud hanging overhead...

...and over to the pretty, white, well-kept, dilligently gardened, window-barred little Georgian mansion with tasteful purple drapes and chirping birds in an exquisite Roman birdbath~

Vorpal: Tell you what, let's try that one.

~There's a squeaking sound as a metallic device in an upper window of the foreboding house telescopes around to point at the neighboring house. Suddenly, a ginormous bolt of fire and destruction erupts from it reducing the entire property to a giant smoking crater~

Masamune: Um. Hey I got an idea let's try the not destroyed one.

Slort: ~SWALLOW~

Vorpal: *knocks* Hello? *panel slides open in the door and a telescoping eye looks out at them, then slides in, then the door opens. The three walk in*

Masamune: Um. Anybody home?

Voice: HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

*a tall, dark, unbelievably sinister figure dressed in aristocrat's clothes from 100 years ago appears at the top of a staircase*

Voice: I AM YOUR BELOVED... COUNT DITTOF.

Masamune: Holy shiznit.

Count Dittof: And you must be *checks note scrawled on his palm* Vorpal. And so you must be... Masamoonay?

Slort: [That's Masamune]

Count Dittof: I'm sorry, I don't speak MILDEW.

Slort: [Go ~censored~ yourself]

Count Dittof: *puts arms around Vorpal and Masamune* I shall take in these orphans and treat them as though somebody actually wanted them.

Vorpal: We're not orphans.

Count Dittof: And all you have to do is do anything I tell you to while I max out the CREDIT CARD THAT YOUR DECEACED MURASAME LEFT BEHIND.

Masamune: What?

Count Dittof: *stops in the middle of leaning towards them with outstretched, claw-like hands and a greedy look on his face* NOthing. Now, what' ssay we go for a little drive?

*they all pile into the creepiest-looking remodeled-hearse they've ever seen, with Dittof at the wheel, and drive towards an active volcano. The Count parks right on the edge, as the car begins to teeter*

Dittof: I'll be right back, my charges. I need to get some gas. Kindly lend me your CREDIT CARD.

Masamune: O_O

Dittof: So I can buy you two sodas. (smiles)

Vorpal: Ah, well. *grabs Masa's card from his coat and gives it to Dittof* Make mine a Cherry.

Dittof: You got it. *slams car, locks doors, puts padlock on door, and kicks back plate so it tilts towards the lava, and runs off down the volcano, cackling like a deranged madman*

Vorpal: You know, in retrospect, he kind of reminded me of Dark Ditto.

Author: Masamune

Pages in the Gamehiker Member OG 4 Archive

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