Gamehiker Member OG 5 Page 3

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Author: GM

(Back at where Ashley, Fred, and Lupus were, the three of them were enjoying their treats.)

Lupus: Well, that was fun, but me and Fred are going to go over there and look at something so you can be conveniently unguarded.

Ashley: What're you going to look at?

Lupus: Um, a rock.

Fred: A rock that looks like Nuclear Man from Superman IV.

Ashley: Okay.

(Lupus and Fred skipped merrily away. They skipped because they had a disagreement with the ice cream man over who would win in a fight between the cast of Salute Your Shorts and the cast of Bug Juice and he slipped some uppers into their ice cream.)

Ashley: I don't remember why I was with them anyway.

(That's when GORE and Golem walk up to her.)

GORE: Hi little girl.

Ashley: Oh, it's you two. How're you doing?

GORE: Just fine. Well, except that we lost our dog. Have you seen him?

Ashley: No. But that's terrible! Poor doggy.

Golem: If it's not too much trouble, can you come with us and help look.

GORE: You can look from the back of our van, where we keep candy and toys.

Ashley: Sure.

GORE: Great! Let's go!

Golem: By the way, there's something on your forehead. I'll wipe it off.

(Golem slips and accidentally pokes her in the eye.)

Ashley: OW! My eye!

Golem: Oops.

(That poke in the eye hurt, thus it was uncomfortable, and it reminded Ashley of a Sonic Says segment.)

Ashley: You touched me!

Golem: Sorry.

Ashley: Sure, there's nothing cooler than being hugged by someone you like, but you touched me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable!

(She narrowed her eyes at them, and the air got colder for some reason.)

Ashley: That's no good!

GORE: Um, what are you-

Ashley: It's my body, and nobody has the right to touch it if I don't want them to!

Golem: I don't think you understand-

Ashley: Now what was I suppose to do in this situation? ...Oh yeah! NO!!!

(Then she got out of there.)

GORE: Damn it!

Golem: I told you we should've just pulled her into the van.

GORE: Nevermind that! Tell Rhyk to get the van ready! And to get a few Twizzlers from the back!
_________

(At Doomhikers HQ, WJ was walking down the Hallway of Evil, reading his Checklist of Evil.)

WJ: Let's see... Evil duplicate of a good guy, check. Evil capitalist, check. Run an evil company, check. Mysterious introduction, check. Killed a loved one of my mortal enemy, check. So evil the other evil people are horrified by my evil actions, check. Endangered a helpless animal, check. Won't give a child a proper childhood, check. Okay! I just have to dye my hair silver and work on my British accent and I'll be the most evil person in this evil world who has ever eviled! Wa ha ha ha ha ha!!! Oh! Evil laugh, check.

(He kept walking until he saw a door. On the door was a sign that said "None-Storage Closet".)

WJ: Hmm. Interesting. I wonder what's in there.

(WJ opened the door and entered. Soon afterward, Luigi descended from an open air vent and shut the door. The "None-Storage Closet" sign fell off the door, revealing the "Storage Closet" sign it was covering.)

WJ: Wait! This isn't a none-storage closet! This is... A storage closet!

(He started banging on the door, to no avail.)

WJ: Let me out! I have to kill MJ!

Luigi: And the OGers, right?

WJ: Yeah, them too!

Luigi: Don't worry. We'll let you out in an MJ-centered GMOG. But right now, I'm the title character, and it's my time to shine!

WJ: Wait! Don't leave me in there! I hate storage closets!

Luigi: Oh. I'm taking the dog with me too.

Poochie: Ruff ruff!

__________

(Later, at the treehouse...)

Vorpal: Why aren't we in the actual house?

Don Miguel: Oh, the place is a mess.

Marin: ...Oh! I just remembered what I wanted to tell you guys. A guy named Wario Jr. is doing some evil stuff!

(Luigi climbs in.)

Luigi: Okay! No more one or two lines for me! I'm the star again!

All: Yay. (or Urgh in Zambi's case)

Luigi: Yep. Just took care of Wario Jr. too.

Marin: You did!? How'd you know about him!?

Luigi: I skimmed through the script.

Vorpal: Did you read the ending so you can find out how we can defeat GORE and the rest?

Masamune: And to see if you actually die?

Luigi: ...Damn it!

Marin: Well, it's nice that you took him out, but I'm not sure MJ'll be happy that he didn't get to fight his mortal enemy.

Tiffa: Bah! Who cares about him! Ignore me, will he...

Cobrax: Luigi. From the accounts I have gathered, you have been feeling "angst" over an event from the beginning of the story. If you are the main character now, does this mean-

Tiffa: Hunky Snake Guy! I didn't know you were here!

(And Tiffa pounces on him again.)

Marin: Tiffa! Don't... Forget it. She's hopeless!

Masamune: I think I know what he was going to say. Does this mean we'll have to hear more angsty crap about you running yourself over?

Luigi: Maybe, but you'll have to deal with it! Remember who's been through the most Deathmatches here, and who's won them all. And of course, who's occupation is in the title. This isn't Pirate Meets Girl, is it?

Don Miguel: Uh oh. Looks like he's entering the next stage of angst. This is the Jerk Stage, also known as the Harry Potter Book 5 Stage. Basically, he starts being a jerk.

Luigi: I'm not a jerk! Am I boy?

Poochie: Ruff ruff!

(Luigi starts rubbing Poochie's stomach.)

Luigi: Yeah, that's a good boy. Zatsagooboooooy.

All: ...

Luigi: What?

He's a cute dog.

(Then they heard something. They looked out the window and saw Ashley running away from a van while shouting "No!" over and over. The van was low on gas and had a crappy engine, so that was why it couldn't keep up with a nine year-old girl.)

Luigi: Ashley!

Don Miguel: Quick, to the Galucamobile!

GM: The "Galucamobile" is a two-seater. It can't fit all of us!

Don Miguel: Well, we'll find a way to make room.

Luigi: Fine. I'm driving!

Don Miguel: It's my car!

Luigi: Don't make me lock you in the storage closet.

Author: Mario Jr.

(Eventually a Janitor lets WJ out.)

Jorge: (Shocked) ¿Que es éste?

WJ: Thanks for letting me out. Here's a million dollars!

(WJ hands Jorge a big wad of cash.)

Jorge: ¡Soy rico!

WJ: Oh yeah. *shoots at Jorge* FREEZE IN CARBONITE!

(Jorge turns into a statue of carbonite and shoved into the storage closet for decades until Doomhiker HQ was eventually torn down and made into a Starbucks. Hundreds of years later the area was excavated and Jorge's body was found and put into a museum where it was stolen by a Neko Space Pirate named Kiffus the III, who carelessly left it at Milliways where Julio, a very Mario-esque mechanic, found it in the basement.)

Julio: Hmmm. A statue of carbonite. Luckily I have this de-carbonizing ray gun with me.

(Julio unfreezes Jorge.)

Jorge: ¿Huh, dónde estoy?

Julio: Er, you're at Milliways, son. You must be the last of the Spanish speaking Latinos. That language was outlawed in the Mexican vs Insect war of 2156. It's not anymore but good luck finding someone who can speak it.

Jorge: Oh... Por lo menos soy rico...

Julio: Earth money isn't good anymore.

Jorge: Ay dios mio...

Julio: I guess I'll just adopt you then. You can help me out at work.

Jorge: ¿Qué usted trabaja como?

Julio: Oh, I'm a mechanic.

Jorge: (cries)

~Back hundreds of years~

(WJ is sitting in his luxurious office with the view of Manhattan in the distance.)

Secretary: *via intercom* Your father here to see you.

WJ: Well, well. Seems the old windbag finally shows an interest in me. Send him in.

Wario: *via intercom* I heard that!

WJ: (Shocked)

....

WJ: Take a seat, daddy dearest.

Wario: Don't mind if I do.

(Wario sits in Wario's expensive black leather arm chair and puts his boots on WJ's ebony desk.)

WJ: *cringes* So, what brings you all the way to Earth?

Wario: I know about Project Alpha Male.

WJ: How much do know exactly?

Wario: I know you killed a woman and stole her child in order to make it.

WJ: Mere casualities. No one will ever notice.

Wario: Try the daughter-in-law of my greatest rival and his newborn grandson! Of course a lot of people will notice! It's all over the news. They think Mario Jr. did it but I know it was you, you dirty good-for-nothing son.

WJ: Nothing's ever good enough for you. I try hard to make you proud but all you do is put me down!

Wario: I am proud of you, Wally.

WJ: *cringes* I hate that name.

Wario: It's the name your mother gave you.

WJ: Well, I hate it. I hate her. And I hate you for not thinking I was worthy enough to share your name. Mario named his son after him. Why can't I be a Jr., too?

Wario: Is this what this is all about? You think I was a bad father so you go and kidnap somebody else's kid and in some insane attempt to be the father I never was to you!? Is that it, Wally?

WJ: Don't call me Wally!

Wario: I thought giving you this position would help you make something of yourself. I guess I was wrong. I'm pulling the plug on this company and Project Alpha Male before anyone gets hurt.

WJ: I don't think so father.

Wario: I own the entire Wario Ware franchise. I can do whatever I please.

WJ: I'll show you!

(Opens up his laptop.)

WJ: The Stockmarket!

Wario: You wouldn't dare!

WJ: Abaxis has a current price-to-earnings ratio of 136 and a share price that's 235% this year. Buy, buy, buy!

Wario: No...

WJ: Coeur d'Alene Mines. Dunno what the hell that is but it sounds French, so it's gotta be good. Buy!

Wario: Stop it!

WJ: CyberSource. Sounds Sci-fi-ish. I'm buying the whole thing!

Wario: *grabs chest* MY HEART!

(Wario collaspes to the floor. He starts rummaging through his briefcase for his pill bottles.)

WJ: No!

(WJ kicks the bottles out of Wario's hands. Wario goes into a fit and start convulsing frantically before he freezes up and stops moving all together. WJ carefully lifted up his father's wrist and checks for a pulse. When he felt there was none, he twisted smile crawls across his darkened face.)

WJ: (Twisted Evil) Sleep well, daddy dearest.

(The secretary, a Pauline-looking young lady with black hair and thick framed glasses walks in unexpectedly.)

Secretary: Sir, I don't mean to intrude but I was wondering what you wanted me to do with these pap-- *gasp*

WJ: It's alright, Rain. My dad had stroke.

Secretary: Should I call the paramedics?

WJ: More like the morgue. Cancel all my appointments for today. I have important business to attend to.

(As WJ leaves, Rain turns to Wario's lifeless body on the floor.)

Author: Masamune

~Meanwhile...~

~The Doomhiker car goes over a hill and flies in the air, GORE and Golem hang out the windows with their hands in the air Dukes of Hazard style~

Ashley: That was stupid. *keeps running*

Golem: Almost got her... a little faster...

GORE: I'm giving it all she's got!

~cell phone rings~

Rhyk: That's me. *answers* Hello? Yes. Yes. Okay.

GORE: What is it?

Rhyk: We're being called back to the base, like, now.

Ashley: *watches the van turn around* Hm.

~Later, at the Doomhiker Underground Base~

WJ: Our financial problems are solved. We'll have no further problems with dear old dad.

Scientist Dude: Dead is he? We don't want the authorities coming down on us.

WJ: It was simple. Destroy his money you destroy him.

Scientist Dude: You would think. But speaking of successes, one more problem is solved.

WJ: What is that?

Scientist Dude: Alphie, restrain him.

Alphie: *walks out* He's my father-

Scientist Dude: Be at peace. I am your father, remember? Restrain him.

WJ: *struggles to get loose* What is the meaning of this!?

Scientist Dude: Oh it's quite simple. You were a convenient pawn while it lasted, but now that I have Alphie, I'm afraid you are of no use. You will notice... *presses a button* that I have restrained your 'friends'.

~as soon as the button is pressed, a metal wall opens up. Behind it is the Doomhikers, all in prison cells.~

WJ: I trusted you!

Scientist Dude: *rips off mask* That was your mistake.

GORE: What the... EVIL Scientist Dude!

Golem: *aside* Like we didn't see this coming.

Sapphire: So true.

GORE: Why are you doing this?

EVIL Scientist Dude: Oh why not, I like to monologue now and then. I have worked long to get my ultimate specimen. The Caykforce gave me the research lab to do it in. WJ gave me the cover to operate my schemes. And now that I have Alphie, I no longer need you.

WJ: *is thrown into a cell* You traitor! I'll kill you for this!

EVIL Scientist Dude: Get in line.

~Meanwhile, the Galucamobile is broken down on a desert road~

Vorpal: How did we even get IN a desert anyways?

Masamune: Hey, I followed the signs.

Luigi: Meh. *falls on the ground*

GM: Is that a good idea?

Luigi: It's not like I'll get lucky and die here.

Don Miguel: We just need some gas. We have to send someone to the gas station.

~Everyone looks at Zambi~

Zambi: Urgh?

Author: GORE-ILLA

*In the Doomhikers' cell...*

GORE: I can't believe that EVIL Scientist Dude pulled a SteveT on us.

Sapphire: You seem to know more about this hyperactive nerd. How do we beat him? I'm sick of him already.

GORE: Punch him alot. But he has like, these mechanical defenses surrounding him and his lair. He's kinda high-tech- after all, he designed me. I'M AN ACTUAL ROBOT IN THIS TIMELINE NOT JUST A CYBORG!!

Golem: Well before we plan on smacking down crazy-hair, we should worry about escaping.

Rhyk: I don't think you should worry about that. Our leader's dialogue has already sealed our freedom.

Rebe: (tied up in a corner) Why am I still here?

*Suddenly Masamune bursts in through the ceiling and cuts through all the Doomhikers at once- except that he misses and instead cuts through the prison bars, freeing them.*

Masamune: Alright! Which of ye mentioned alternate timelines?!!

GORE: Why that was him! (points to the hall's mechanical guard)

Masamune: (lunges at the guard) When I'm done with you, you're gonna wish there's an alternate timeline somewhere where I go easier on you!

*Masamune gives the robot the most painful death ever- and somehow makes the robot feel the pain.*

Masamune: Now what?

Kuria: We get out of here! Oh, I forgot I was in this group.

WJ: Wait! Aren't you goimg to free me?

GORE: No way, you doublecrossed us!

Masamune: Technically you guys doublecrossed us too before.

Sapphire: Screw you Masa! This loser isn't worth it.

Golem: (spits in his eye) That's for that dog!

Rhyk: Enough maiming him or he'll whoop our asses when MJ inevitably frees him in his next post.

*As more robot guards enter, everyone climbs on top of GORE, who activates his jet boots. Due to the weight of the many people on him, he cannot hold up the pressure and is forced to land- coincidentally in the exact same desert where the other Gamehikers are and in the exact area of the desert that they were hanging out in.*

Vorpal: Well well! Look who comes crawling back!

GORE: EVIL Scientist Dude has taken over that crazy-ass evil twin's base, and we have to stop him.

Vorpal: We?

GORE: I'm calling a temporary truce. As much as I hate to work alongside a do-gooder like you, I'm afraid laughing man over there forces us to.

Vorpal: How do we know you won't BETRAY us?

GORE: Y'know what, this was a bad idea from the beginning. Let's go, Doomhikers and do some other evil stuff.

Luigi: No, wait!

GORE: What now?

Luigi: Why don't you all drop it and come back to our Gamehikers? You only became supervillains because we were bored and had no one to challenge us! But now we need the help of GORE-ILLA, good guy, and the do-gooding random people whose authors don't post anymore! So what I'm saying is, Doomhikers, with your noses so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

GORE: (looks at the other Doomhikers) I'm sorry to say this guys, but the last meeting of the Doomhikers has now come to a close. You are all dismissed.

*All the Doomhikers do their secret group handshake one more time- and, like everytime they do their secret group handshake, a random city mysteriously explodes. Everyone reluctantly hands in their Doomhiker decoder rings to GORE, who sheds an oil tear as he eats them all.*

GM: Being one of the only people who hasn't spoken yet in this post, I welcome you all back to the Gamehikers.

*Don Miguel strangles GM for taking the line that could easily have been his. In the meantime all the Gamehikers have a heartfelt reunion.*

Author: Vorpal

Don: This doesn't change the fact that we need some gas... and now my car definitely can't fit us all.

Vorpal: Desparate times call for deparate measures!

*In a flash, Vorpal pulls out a remote with a single button, presses it and.... nothing happens*

Vorpal: Hmmm... *presses the button several more times*

Masa: Uhm... Vorpal?

Vorpal: Ah well! *throws remote away* I guess that's not going to work.

Everyone: ~groans~

Luigi: So... exactly how many of us is there?

*The group has now gotten too large for us to manage. It includes: Masamune, Vorpal, Luigi, GM, Don Miguel, Cobrax, Zambi, GORE, Golem, Rhyk, Kuria, Sapphire and Rebe ... wait... Rebe isn't here*

Masamune: Great... we forgot her tied back up in that cell with Wario Jr.

Don: Well, I think there's plenty of us to push my car to the nearest gas station... we'll figure out what to do there.

~Elsewhere... where ever EVIL Sceintist Dude is...~

EVIL: So... they forgot to rescue you, did they?

Rebe: What concern is it of yours?

EVIL: Well... everything really. They'll come to rescue you, no doubt, and I'll have to destroy them when they do. But just as a precaution that they find you before I can defeat them, I'm going to have to send you somewhere where they will never find you.

Rebe: And where is that, exactly?

EVIL: The PAST! Mwhahahahahah!!!

Rebe: The past? You mean like back to when my parents were teenagers? And then I'll somehow break them up, and my father will fall for me, and then I'll meet a younger version of you, and then you'll help me come up with a way to get them back together, involving me inventing some popular song of the era at the same time?

EVIL: No... not quite like that...

Rebe: Dang.

EVIL: No.. I'm sending you to the week before this OG started!

Rebe: Why?

EVIL: Because... uh.... shut up! *pushes Rebe into a weird portal machine that sends her back to the week before the OG started*

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