Gamehiker Member OG 5 Page 3

Pages in the Gamehiker Member OG 5 Archive

1 - 2 - 3 - 4

Author: GM

(Later, in a treehouse behind Don Miguel's house...)

Don Miguel: So, anyone want any snacks or something?

GM: Save it for later. We've got some serious brain storming to do.

(Don Migurl shrugs and sits on a couch next to Masamune, Vorpal, Zambi, and Cobrax.)

GM: Now, I know we said we were gonna steal the world, but I find it much more easier, and possible, to take it over. What's the point of stealing it if those guys are still going to be on it. So, my plan on taking over the world and defeating the Doomhikers is simple. So simple it will only take three steps to complete. Let's begin. Step 1; make the most kickass movie ever. Now, what would factors would be included in the most kickass movie ever?

Don Miguel: Star Wars!

Masamune: Pirates!

Vorpal: Zombies!

(Zambi smacks Vorpal in the back of the head for stealing his idea.)

Cobrax: Ninjas.

GM: You're all right. Pirates, zombies, and ninjas. We'll get to Star Wars later. Pirates, Ninjas, and zombies are three of the most kickass things known to man. Especially when they fuse into a new species of ninja pirate zombies. Those should be a big part of the movie. Now, we want to attract the biggest audience possible, so we need nerd stuff. We need Star Wars and Star Trek. Specifically Luke, Han, Slave-Girl Leia, Vader, Lando, Kirk, Picard, Spock, McCoy, Worf, Data, Chewie, the droids, Yoda, Ackbar, Jabba, the blue guy from the band, Grievous, and other Star Trek people that I don't know because I haven't watched the show.

Don Miguel: Would that be Kickass Clone Wars Grievous or Lameass Episode 3 Grievous.

GM: It's the most kickass movie ever made. Guess.

Masamune: We should also have Jar Jar Binks get brutally murdered.

GM: Good idea! What else what else... Comic books!

(And so it went on. For hours they discussed what would make the most kickass movies. This included comic books, cartoons, anime, Wallace and Gromit, video games, horror monsters, slasher monsters, the U.S. Presidents, religious figures, famous actors, music for the sound track, guns, swords, nukes, blood, gore, violence, stuff exploding, more explosions, lesbian love scenes, etc. etc. etc. I was gonna list every detail, but that would take too long.)

GM: Woo... I guess that's everything... I need a joint.

Cobrax: I can't determine a way to make a decent story out of all of those factors.

GM: No one's gonna care about the story and so much stuff is in it.

Cobrax: And where are you going to get the money?

GM Heh... R1, R2, L1 , X, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up.

(Suddenly, $250,000 in cash appeared in front of GM.)

All: ...

GM: How do you think I can afford so much and yet have no job? And I can do that as many times as I want. Just go buy all the copyrights or get permission so we don't get sued.

Don Miguel: Then why do you live in an apartment?

GM: So the cops don't get suspicious. Now, Step 2; show the movie. The movie will be so kickass, it'll blow the mind of anyone who sees it. This will cause them to elect us Leaders of the World. As Leaders of the World, we will then use Step 3; send the armies of the world to destroy the Doomhikers... And that's it. If all goes well, it should all be over in four days. What do you guys think?

Author: Mario Jr.

Marin: I think you're crazy.

(Oh, and we're back to Tiffa and Marin again.)

Tiffa: Am I? My visions have never been wrong before. I saw you with him, drapped over his arm like some cheap slut!

Marin: Tiffs, will you listen to yourself! I'm twenty years old! That, and I haven't set foot on this planet up until a month ago. There's no way I could've been the same woman you saw in your vision.

Tiffa: I know what I saw. I could even smell your cheap perfume...

(Tiffany thrust her spear at Marin, buut Marin maanges to duck out of the way and grab another spear off the wall. Marin then swings the spear at Tiffa who backflips out of the spear's range and trips Marin with her spear. Marin hits the the ground with a sudden thud. Marin picks herself off the ground and wipes the blood off her lip, giving Tiffa a cold stare.)

Marin: You need help Tiffany...

Tiffa: I don't need any help from a traitor!

(The two girls sprint past each other. Running up walls at opposite side of the room, they grab weapons off the walls and flip back unto the ground were their weapons clashed against each other. They continued this sparring match until they realized they were too evenly matched. So they just stood there, staring each other, breathing heavily and sticky with sweat. Out the corner of Tiffa's eye, she spots a device. Marin sees it too and the two girls run for it. Marin shoved Tiffa to ground and reaches the device first, pounding on a random button on the dashboard. Four, stacked rings decend upon Tiffa, engulfing her in a strange blue light.)

~Meanwhile, in Wiltshire, UK~

Guide: Stonehenge. A serious of monoliths erected during the bronze age and is believe to be an ancient solar calendar of some sort. There are, however some alternate theories that it is actually gateway to other worlds built by an ancient advanced civilization.

(Suddenly, a series of rings appear from the ground from within the innermost circle of stone henge. A blue light forms within them and Tiffa rematerializes right before the rings disappear as quick as they came.)

Tiffa: Buh? Where am I?

Male Tourist: Look! It's one of the Ancients!

(Then there was a series of flashes as everyone started snapping photos of Tiffa. This irritates her and she uses her Neko power to make all their cameras explode spontaneously in their hands. She then bends the light around her and made herself invisible while the humans were standing around in confusion.)

Author: Mario Jr.

OoC: Hoo-ha! Double post!

(Back to wherever the hell GM and the others where at.)

MJ: Did someone say something about making a movie?

Masa: (rolls eyes) Oh great, it's you.

MJ: Razz Aw, I missed you too, Masa. *spots GM* You must be the new guy. Hi, I'm MJ, the old new guy.

(MJ walks up to GM and shakes his hand.)

GM: They call me Game Master. But just call me GM.

MJ: GM, huh? Funny. That name sounds oddly familar. Have we met?

GM: Of course, remember? You guys forced me to do that stupid reinactment with you a few years back.

MJ: Yes. That must be it.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*So the movie production begins with choosing a director.*

GM: No fair! It was my idea, I wanna be the director!

Masa: But I'm THE Gamehiker! And you obviously stole that idea from me.

GM: What? Quit lying!

Masa: Only a liar would accuse someone else of lying, you liar.

GM: But only a liar would think that only a liar would accuse someone else of lying! Did I say that right?

Mario Jr.: Fellows, shut the hell up! I've come up with a solution to our director problem. Why don't you both be directors?

*After a visit from EVIL Scientist Dude, Masamune and GM's bodies were sown together into GMasa.*

GMasa: Okay, we first need the bare essentials: I, Masamune, have a staff of pirates on hand. I myself will play the movie's star, a handsome pirate captain who is so extremely sexy that all women fall before his feet. But his powers are a gift and a curse, and Masamune learns that with great power comes great hotness from his dying Uncle Bobo! (GM's voice) How can you be the star when you're sewn to me and the director? (Masa's voice) ...Dammit!

*So with another visit from EVIL Scientist Dude, GM and Masa are restored to normal. GM is now the director.*

GM: So we have pirate. Next thing, zombies. We have Zambi but we'll need a lot more. Any ideas on where we could find some?

Zambi: (begins biting random crew members)

GM: Excellent idea! Don, get him his own trailer!

Don: Hey! Since when was I your secretary-

GM: I don't pay you to make logical comments, I pay you to fetch trailers and coffee! Now go!

Don: (sighs and trudges off)

GM: Okay. Finally, does anyone know where we can find a ninja?

GORE: Your mom's a ninja.

GM: What? Get out!

GORE: Fine, be that way. (eggs GM and warps away)

*In the end GM uses his money to hire Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Dave Coulier and John Goodman to play ninjas.*

Cobrax: There's only five ninjas. Doesn't look much like a ninja army to me.

GM: But this is the clever part! I've filled the set with mirrors to give the ILLUSION of more ninjas! Aw man, I could give lessons to Lucas!

Vorpal: Hey, I just noticed something. Who's gonna play the girls in the lesbian love scenes? We don't really have any left...

GM: (tosses dresses to all the male actors) The American film-watchers won't know the difference! That somehow reminds me of the fourth thing we need- robots.

Cobrax: I'm a robot.

GM: Ehhhhh... I dunno, you're not so roboty. Hang on. (wraps Cobrax in tin foil and blinking Christmas lights, then tapes buttons from his dismantled telephone dial to Cobrax's chest) Now you are a robot. Ask yourself: do you feel the robot within?

Cobrax: I don't have emo-

GM: You've learned all that I can teach you. Now only one more test awaits you. (shoves Cobrax into the vampire pit)

Don: What was the point of that?

GM: Your face. Now we need those Star Wars/Trek characters.

*Later...*

MJ: Um, dude, these people are cosplayers. Couldn't you at least get all the real actors?

GM: But that would cost money, and that's something we can't afford!

MJ: YOU HAVE A FREAKIN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF MONEY-

GM: (slaps MJ dramatically across the cheek)

MJ: ...

GM: (tosses MJ into the vampire pit)

*Soon filming begins. First they film Jar Jar's death scene, which involves him being crushed under a classic anvil.*

GM: Cut! That's a wrap!

Masa: Wow, that death looked so real! How'd you pull it off?

GM: ...No more questions!

*GORE laughs and begins spraypainting the studio walls as Don chases after him.*

Don: Dammit, who keeps letting him in?!

Masa: I was so sure that he was the mailman this time.

*A hole in the ground opens, and Cobrax leaps out. MJ's slung over his shoulder, and in both his hands he holds machine guns. Cobrax points both the guns down at the tunnel and blasts away at the vampires who followed him and continues shooting them long after they're dead, or unundead, whatever. He drops the guns and dramatically grabs Don Miguel by the shoulders.*

Cobrax: WHERE IS THE ANTIDOTE???

*Don quickly produces his Miracle Vampire Creme while GM shoots the big fight scene between Napoleon Dynamite and the zombies. Then Luigi crashes through the ceiling.*

Vorpal: How'd you get here?

Luigi: (shrugs)

Author: Mario Jr.

~Back in Cairo~

Marin: I can't believe that girl... Man with yellow eyes!?

(Marin then thinks for a moment and realizes that teleporting Tiffa to who knows where was probably not a good idea after all...)

Marin: I guess I better go try to find her before she gets herself into trouble again.

(Marin turns to the dialing device but two yellow eyes appeared in the darkness and she becomes frozen with fear.)

Marin: Yellow.. eyes.

(The Shadowy Figure from before steps of the darkness, though he still seemed to be cloaked in shadows as he did so. But once he takes off his shades the dark veil over him dissipates and revealed his cold hazel eyes and devilish beard.)

Marin: *gasp* I know who you are! Wario Jr.! You killed me once before back when I was Laura.

WJ: Gee, it took you that long to figure it all out? You Mario's sure are horridly slow.

Marin: You're the man from Tiffa's vision? The one who reawakened the Nekolfos?

WJ: She catches on quick! Keep it up sista, and you just might outsmart your brother.

Marin: Then that must mean that I was...

WJ: Sakmet... In a former life of course. As was with me. Except your memories haven't been reawakened yet. But that will all change soon.

(Before Marin could say anything, she felt herself go weak as her mind completely shut down on her...)

~Later~

(Marin awakens to find herself strapped inside the cockpit of some sort with no recollection as to how and why she was there. She struggled to get free but to no avail. Then WJ's smug face pops up on the screen infront of her.)

WJ: You're probably wondering right about now how you got here. It takes a while for the drugs to wear off but your memories will come back to you in a few seconds. However they still won't help you get out of that chair. As wee speak, the countdown has begun and will launch momentarily.)

Marin: Countdown?

WJ: Yes. I have strapped you inside a a rocketship aimed at the sun. Once your ship enters the Sun's Coronosphere, your physical body will burst into a magnificent hellfire, and you shall be reborn as your true self. And together, we shall rule this cosmos as King and Queen... as we once did 50,000 years ago.

Marin: The Ogers... will stop you...

WJ: The OGers are too busy with their own thing. I've done well to stay within the shadows, pulling the strings in the background. They're not even aware of my very existence. For all they care, you're just on another one of your little tangents. You and Tiffa shouldn't have gone off alone. You were safer with them.

Marin: MJ... will come for me... and he'll kill you!

WJ: *laughs maniacally* That idiot son of a plumber? He couldn't fight his way out a box. And besides, he has his hands tied at the moment as well. He has no idea that that you're in danger. And even if he did, he wouldn't even know how to find you. Face it Mare! No one's coming for you. Oh as a reminder, you have one second before launch.

Marin: Buh?

(The rocket launches and sets course for the sun.)

Author: Masamune

Masamune: You can have my heart, but you shall not have my body!

Female Actor: Why do you deny me?

Masamune: Because ARR.

GM: And CUT. Okay, very good. Now, we need to move Luigi into position.

Luigi: I never agreed to this. I think the whole thing is stupid.

GM: Okay, now remember. You swing in and attack Masamune with this laser sword.

Luigi: That's a wooden sword painted green at the end.

GM: That kind of attitude only detracts from the movie.

Luigi: Fine, what's my motivation?

GM: Masamune is refusing to sleep with your fiancee. Out of jealousy, you decide to kill him because you want him to sleep with her so you can call off the engagement.

Luigi: Wow.

GM: Now... ACTION!

Female Actor: Why do you arr at me so?

Luigi: *walks in* Um, stop you.

GM: *slaps forehead*

Masamune: How did you find me here.

Luigi: I followed *looks down at hand* your snail. I mean trail.

Masamune: Well here is your fiancee, take her.

Female Actor: Oh Roberte!

Luigi: Elisa. How good to see you. Hug Elisa. *hugs Elisa* I missed you so.

Female Actor: The missing is over.

Luigi: You shall pay for this. Unsheath sword. *unsheaths sword* Prepare to die, Captain Rainbowbeard.

Masamune: I shall not fight you now, but you will fight my ninjas! *the ninjas jump down reflected by mirrors*

Luigi: Swing sword at Ninja A, duck Ninja B's swing, trip Ninja A, swing at Ninja C-

GM: CUT! *throws off his little director hat and stomps to his trailer*

Luigi: What?

---

GM: Okay Vorpal. You've just built your diabolical EVIL ROBOT.

Cobrax: That's me.

GM: But before you can, your ZOMBIE WIFE returns to stop you.

Zambi: Urgh. *is in a dress*

Vorpal: Um. Okay.

GM: ACTION!

Vorpal: It's concious! IT'S CONSCIOUS!

Cobrax: CORRECTION. ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE CONSCIOUSNESS.

Vorpal: Alive doesn't work either though.

Zambi: Urgh.

Vorpal: Oh, it's my departed wife. Destroy it EVIL ROBOT.

Cobrax: YES. MASTER.

GM: CUT! Okay, we'll film the fight scene with our stunt doubles. *jerks thumb back at cosplayers*

~Much Later~

GM: This movie... will take us to the Academy Awards.

Masamune: Can I see it?

GM: *snatches DVD away* Mine.

Masamune: Jerk.

GM: We just need to start going to some production companies. Any ideas?

Author: Mario Jr.

~Half way between the Earth and the Sun~

Marin: *sweating* MJ... somebody... anybody?

LJ: Yo Marin!

Marin: (Sweatdrop) Anybody else?

LJ: Fear not, fair maiden! For I have come to rescue you!

Marin: What the hell are you doing here anyways?

LJ: I've been secretly stalking you since page two.

Marin: Whatever. Just untie me already.

LJ: Perhaps I should you leave tied up like that. It's a nice look for you. Very Happy

(Marin shoots Luigi Jr. an evil glare.)

LJ: Untying!

(Luigi Jr. frees Marin, who immediately heads for the control panel.)

Marin: Shoot! The rocket's on autopilot. I can't seem to override the controls! We're going to have to take our chances in space.

(Marin and Luigi don on couple of spacesuits and escape the rocket ship only to float aimlessly in space.)

LJ: Well, now what?

Marin: Well, we're about fifty miliion miles from earth. And at the rate we're going, we'll probably either run out of oxygen before we get there or get pulled into Venus's atmosphere and die a quick and painful death.

LJ: That sucks.

Marin: Yeah, basically.

LJ: Hey, wanna hear a poem I wrote about you?

Marin: No.

(Just then, a spaceship arrives.)

~Later, onboard~

LJ: Wow! It sure was lucky you picked us up in time!

Marin: How did you get this ship anyways?

Tiffa: Well yeah, that's a long story.

~flashback~

Tiffa: Can I borrow that ship?

Nasa Guy: Sure! Anything for a pretty lady like you.

Tiffa: Thanks. ^_^

~end flashback~

Tiffa: Okay, maybe not that long...

Marin: So I guess we're back to being friends again?

Tiffa: Yeah. I figured it'd be stupid of me to hold you responsible for what you did in a past life. But you're still a racist hoe.

Marin: ..............

~Deep underneath Wario Ware, Inc~

Scientist Dude: Sir, Marin has somehow managed to escape from the guided rocket.

WJ: Inconceivable! How could this happen?

Scientist Dude: It seems she had outside help. A ship appeared and rescued her just in time.

WJ: The OGers?

Scientist Dude: Sources say they're still totally oblivious to our existence.

WJ: My, my. Marin is full of surprises.

Scientist Dude: On a lighter note, the age acceleration processes are running smoothly. Project Alpha Male is almost ready to be awakened.

(Wario Jr. turns to the incubation tube where a four year-old boy slumbers with tubes and wires hooked up to his body.)

Wario Jr.: Excellent. Soon, I will have a fine protÈgÈ at my side, worthy enough to carrying on the family business. Together no one can defeat us. Rest now, Alphie my son. Soon you will fight. And not MJ or OGer can stop us.

Author: Vorpal

*GM, Masa, Vorpal, Luigi, MJ, Cobrax and Don are all wearing tuxes at the debut of their movie in Los Angeles, CA*

GM: You'll see, the world will be begging us to be their leaders after this shows.

Masa: What'd you title it anyway?

GM: I didn't title it. Something this maginificent cannot be described by words.

Vorpal: Well... *crosses fingers* good luck!

~three hours later~

TV in random storefront: And in a stunning turn of events, the movie, "Untitled" which was billed by Director, GM, as the movie to end all movies has flopped harder than Fantastic Four. People everywhere call out for the blood of those responsible for what can only be described now as a "plague upon all of mankind."

~At a bar~

GM: I don't understand... I did everything right! ... How could it have gone all wrong? *takes a chug of water*

Masa: We should have learned from the mistake of Van Helsing... too much of a good thing is not such a good thing...

Vorpal: Hey! I liked that movie!

Luigi: I'm the title character, but I can't seem to get a speaking part...

~Meanwhile in outerspace~

LJ: *cough*

Marin: What?

LJ: Oh... I didn't say anything.

Marin: No?

LJ: No... just a cough.

Marin: Oh.

LJ: Yeah, just a cough.

Marin: I see.

.....

*well nothing seems to be

happening here*

~Doomhiker conference room~

Sapphire: Okay... I'm waiting only five more minutes, then I'm leaving! I mean it this time!

~five minutes later~

Sapphire: *looks at her watch, then the door* Okay... another five minutes, but that's it!

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

~The remains of Yami Yoshi's house~

GORE: Excellent. Yami's fridge is intact... now,

~points dramatically~ TAKE THE CHEESECAKE!

Golem: ~yoinks the cheesecake~ That was hard.

Rhyk: Odd. I thought the Gamehikers were going to interfere with our plans.

GORE: Yeah, that was odd. I wonder what happened.

Golem: Maybe... hey, guys. Maybe they thought we were going to try to take over the world, so they tried to take it over first with that stupid movie they just put out?

~They stare at each other for a minute, then burst out laughing.~

GORE: Hah hah... take over the world... Who would do such a stupid cliche plan like that?

WJ: Oh, there you are.

~They come to attention.~

GORE: Mr. Shadowy Figure guy. We got Yami's cheesecake.

WJ: Of course. GIVE IT TO ME!

~WJ nabs the cheesecake.~

GORE: Well, I thought we were going to share...

WJ: Yes. You're just, um, sharing it all with me. ~snaps his fingers and disappears~

GORE: Well, that works.

Rhyk: What do you want to do now?

Golem: I don't know. What do you want to do?

GORE: I don't know. What do you want to do?

Rhyk: I don't know. What do you want to do?

GORE: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Golem: We do not.

Rhyk: Golem, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Golem: I think so, Rhyk, but how are we going to lasso sixteen buffalos in three seconds when we don't have a rope?

GORE: Stop that, both of you. I'm trying to think. The Gamehikers made their own movie, eh? I say we make our own movie that's even worse then theirs. Then we will be truly hated villains!

Golem/Rhyk: No.

GORE: Why not?

Golem: We stole too much money from the First Bank of Turquoise. Our movie would be awesome.

GORE: Oh, you're right. What if we captured a bunch of hobos and used them to burn down cities?

Rhyk: We just threw out a hobo because he was a waste of space. We are not getting an army of them.

GORE: Oh, you're right. Go after the Caykforce?

Golem: No.

GORE: Cheesecake of the Gods?

Rhyk: No.

GORE: This is a stumper...

***

WJ: I've got the cheesecake. Hook him up.

(Not EVIL) Scientist Dude: Yes sir.

~Scientist Dude shoves Yami's cheesecake into an IV bag, then hooks it up to

Alphie's tank.~

WJ: Yes... my plans are coming to fruition...

***

GM: Look at this. Critics didn't even like the ending. I LOVED that part.

Masamune: Arr...

GM: Screw them! We'll just watch it ourselves!

~swaggers over to the bar's TV and sticks a bootleg DVD into it~

THE MOVIE

~Luigi, Masamune, and MJ are backed into a wall by Vorpal, with his flaming sword.~

Masamune: Luigi, what happened?

Luigi: Cobrax cheated.

Cobrax: Cheated? My internal circuits do not register any such act. You had a 100% chance of failure. I am supposed to goad you by asking if you know why.

Luigi: Because you cheated.

Cobrax: Survey says no. I am an all powerful robot, and you are a hobo. Ha ha. A stupid hobo.

Vorpal: Ha... ha... ha...

MJ: He's right.

Luigi: Yeah, well, I may be a hobo, and a goomba-lover, and a Jedi wannabe, but also I'm... I'm...

Cobrax: ~walks forward to stop him~ Be quiet, you...

~There is an explosion. Luigi's arms go flying out on metallic joints and shove Cobrax into a wall.~

Luigi: I'm a Gogo Gadget!

Masamune: Yay!

Background singers: Rock!

Luigi: I'm a Gogo Gadget!

Background singers: Rock!

Luigi: We're all Gogo Gadgets!

Background singers: Rock!

Luigi: Put your tools away, well that I gotta say a-hey no way, no no freakin' way! I'm a bum, you say, well that I gotta say a-hey a hey, hey hey that's okay!

Cobrax: Augh! My CPU is attacked by horrible rock music! Overloading!

~Luigi flies up on his Gadget Helicopter and starts shooting his Gadget Machine Guns in a circle, smashing all of the mirrors and killing the ninja extras.~

Vorpal: Hax!

Background Singers: Rock!

Cobrax: Vorpal, I command you to...

Vorpal: Yeah, um... he's got guns. I'm siding with them.

Cobrax: Crap. I'm out of here.

~Cobrax runs for the door, but Don Miguel jumps out of nowhere and lands on top of him, squashing him flat.~

Luigi/Masamune/MJ/Vorpal/Don Miguel: Yays! We won!

THE END.

GM: ~sniff~ Brings a tear to my eye...

Arab Dude (barkeeper): You idiots. You scared away my customers.

GM: Oh boo hoo.

***

GORE: I've got it! We'll capture all the women and use them against their respective husbands!

Golem: But Sapphire and me are already on your side. And we're the only married couple in this OG.

GORE: Fine. Golem, you're fired.

Golem: Am not.

GORE: Such persuasion! I can't fire you! Fine, any woman who's vaguely related to those men.

Rhyk: We've already got Kuria on our side, so that covers Vorpal. And we captured Rebe, so there's Masamune's weakness. The only one we haven't captured is... Ashley.

GORE: But how to find her...?

***

Ashley: I like the mint chocolate chip.

Fred: Me too.

Lupus: Freaks. Cheese flavor only for me.

Author: Mario Jr.

OoC: Why did I think Luigi was Golem. I feel dumb.

(The Doomhikers reluctantly take their seats in large office conference room.)

WJ: You're all probably wondering why I've brought you all here.

Golem: You're going to give us back our cheesecake?

WJ: No. *turns to slightly to the wall in front of them* As the new head CEO of Wario Ware, Inc., I try my best to follow in my father's footsteps. He was a ruthless business tycoon who saw the power wealth could bring. He taught me to never make a poor investment. Unfortunately, I've had more of those than I had antipated I would, trying to get rid of that sniveling son of a plumber who doesn't even deserve to be share the name as my father's greatest rival... First with Marin. Then Kiffus. And even GORE got sidetracked and go through with the plans as I had hoped.

GORE: My bad....

WJ: I've made too many erroneous decisions in the past. But I think I may have finally found something worthy of investment. Ladies and Gentlemen. I present to you... my son!

Golem: Wario's son has a son?

Saph: Please don't talk for the remainder of this OG.

(WJ presses another button on his remote and the huge glass on the wall in front of them begins to shift, becoming translucent and revealing the spiky haired 12-year-old boy on the otherside playing a video game of some sort.)

Urchin... I mean,

Alphie: Yeah! Score! Ha, ha!! Whoooo!!!

Rhyke: This is your trump card against MJ?

Saph: Well, it is MJ.

Rhyke: Oh. Right.

WJ: Do not let the boy's innocent demeanor fool you. Alphie is a bioengineered warrior. A hybrid between human and Delphino, he has the advantages of both the land and the sea and is powered by Cheesecake of the Gods. He is the perfect warrior. He will never get sick. He will never get old. And best of all, he will never question a direct order because of fluffy froo-froo ideals about morality. Observe.

(WJ exits the conference room through a door linking to the other room which was designed to be a replica of a normal's child's bedroom.)

Alphie: *grins* Hello father! Wanna play some Super Smash Bros?

WJ: Not now Alphie. I'm afraid I've came here with some bad news. It's seems we've uncovered a dirty spy in our midst.

Alphie: A spy? Where!? I'll take care of him.

WJ: The spy is in this room.

Alphie: But there's no one else in here besides Poochie.

WJ: Alphie... Poochie is the spy.

Poochie: Arf!

Alphie: He's a dog.

WJ: Yes, but dogs can be trained.

Alphie: *tears up* But... he's a dog. He couldn't hurt a fly...

WJ: Be at peace Alphie.

(Alphie's expression immediately changes.)

Alphie: I am at peace, father.

WJ: Good, Alphie. You know what to do.

(Alphie knods and a pair of jagged pink fins emerged from his arms like switchblades.)

Golem: No... he can't...

Alphie: Come here boy.

Poochie: *whimpers*

Golem: Isn't anyone going to stop him?

Saph: What do you want us to do!? We're tied to our chairs.

GORE: Oh wait. I can break out.

Golem: Well, what are you waiting for!

(Alphie had his razor-sharp fin against Poochie's throat when GORE came burst in.)

GORE: Okay, that's enough being evil for one day. You've made your point.

WJ: Heh, heh. Be at peace Alphie.

(Alphie immediately puts his fins away and lets go of Poochie, who whimpered and cowered back to his doghouse.)

WJ: We made a mistake. Poochie isn't a spy.

(Alphie just shrugs and goes back to playing video games.)

~At the Treehouse~

Marin: I'm so glad I finally found you guys! Something terrible is about--MJ? What are you doing here?

MJ: Well, I figured you needed me so I dropped by earth to see how you were doing.

Marin: Well, if that were the case, why didn't you rescue me when I was tied to a rocket aimed at sun!?

MJ: Well, you know how I have that short attention span?

Marin: Yes, but I don't know how that has anything--

MJ: Boring! *leaves*

Marin: ...

Tiffa: He didn't even say hi to me... (frowns)

Author: GM

(Back at where Ashley, Fred, and Lupus were, the three of them were enjoying their treats.)

Lupus: Well, that was fun, but me and Fred are going to go over there and look at something so you can be conveniently unguarded.

Ashley: What're you going to look at?

Lupus: Um, a rock.

Fred: A rock that looks like Nuclear Man from Superman IV.

Ashley: Okay.

(Lupus and Fred skipped merrily away. They skipped because they had a disagreement with the ice cream man over who would win in a fight between the cast of Salute Your Shorts and the cast of Bug Juice and he slipped some uppers into their ice cream.)

Ashley: I don't remember why I was with them anyway.

(That's when GORE and Golem walk up to her.)

GORE: Hi little girl.

Ashley: Oh, it's you two. How're you doing?

GORE: Just fine. Well, except that we lost our dog. Have you seen him?

Ashley: No. But that's terrible! Poor doggy.

Golem: If it's not too much trouble, can you come with us and help look.

GORE: You can look from the back of our van, where we keep candy and toys.

Ashley: Sure.

GORE: Great! Let's go!

Golem: By the way, there's something on your forehead. I'll wipe it off.

(Golem slips and accidentally pokes her in the eye.)

Ashley: OW! My eye!

Golem: Oops.

(That poke in the eye hurt, thus it was uncomfortable, and it reminded Ashley of a Sonic Says segment.)

Ashley: You touched me!

Golem: Sorry.

Ashley: Sure, there's nothing cooler than being hugged by someone you like, but you touched me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable!

(She narrowed her eyes at them, and the air got colder for some reason.)

Ashley: That's no good!

GORE: Um, what are you-

Ashley: It's my body, and nobody has the right to touch it if I don't want them to!

Golem: I don't think you understand-

Ashley: Now what was I suppose to do in this situation? ...Oh yeah! NO!!!

(Then she got out of there.)

GORE: Damn it!

Golem: I told you we should've just pulled her into the van.

GORE: Nevermind that! Tell Rhyk to get the van ready! And to get a few Twizzlers from the back!
_________

(At Doomhikers HQ, WJ was walking down the Hallway of Evil, reading his Checklist of Evil.)

WJ: Let's see... Evil duplicate of a good guy, check. Evil capitalist, check. Run an evil company, check. Mysterious introduction, check. Killed a loved one of my mortal enemy, check. So evil the other evil people are horrified by my evil actions, check. Endangered a helpless animal, check. Won't give a child a proper childhood, check. Okay! I just have to dye my hair silver and work on my British accent and I'll be the most evil person in this evil world who has ever eviled! Wa ha ha ha ha ha!!! Oh! Evil laugh, check.

(He kept walking until he saw a door. On the door was a sign that said "None-Storage Closet".)

WJ: Hmm. Interesting. I wonder what's in there.

(WJ opened the door and entered. Soon afterward, Luigi descended from an open air vent and shut the door. The "None-Storage Closet" sign fell off the door, revealing the "Storage Closet" sign it was covering.)

WJ: Wait! This isn't a none-storage closet! This is... A storage closet!

(He started banging on the door, to no avail.)

WJ: Let me out! I have to kill MJ!

Luigi: And the OGers, right?

WJ: Yeah, them too!

Luigi: Don't worry. We'll let you out in an MJ-centered GMOG. But right now, I'm the title character, and it's my time to shine!

WJ: Wait! Don't leave me in there! I hate storage closets!

Luigi: Oh. I'm taking the dog with me too.

Poochie: Ruff ruff!

__________

(Later, at the treehouse...)

Vorpal: Why aren't we in the actual house?

Don Miguel: Oh, the place is a mess.

Marin: ...Oh! I just remembered what I wanted to tell you guys. A guy named Wario Jr. is doing some evil stuff!

(Luigi climbs in.)

Luigi: Okay! No more one or two lines for me! I'm the star again!

All: Yay. (or Urgh in Zambi's case)

Luigi: Yep. Just took care of Wario Jr. too.

Marin: You did!? How'd you know about him!?

Luigi: I skimmed through the script.

Vorpal: Did you read the ending so you can find out how we can defeat GORE and the rest?

Masamune: And to see if you actually die?

Luigi: ...Damn it!

Marin: Well, it's nice that you took him out, but I'm not sure MJ'll be happy that he didn't get to fight his mortal enemy.

Tiffa: Bah! Who cares about him! Ignore me, will he...

Cobrax: Luigi. From the accounts I have gathered, you have been feeling "angst" over an event from the beginning of the story. If you are the main character now, does this mean-

Tiffa: Hunky Snake Guy! I didn't know you were here!

(And Tiffa pounces on him again.)

Marin: Tiffa! Don't... Forget it. She's hopeless!

Masamune: I think I know what he was going to say. Does this mean we'll have to hear more angsty crap about you running yourself over?

Luigi: Maybe, but you'll have to deal with it! Remember who's been through the most Deathmatches here, and who's won them all. And of course, who's occupation is in the title. This isn't Pirate Meets Girl, is it?

Don Miguel: Uh oh. Looks like he's entering the next stage of angst. This is the Jerk Stage, also known as the Harry Potter Book 5 Stage. Basically, he starts being a jerk.

Luigi: I'm not a jerk! Am I boy?

Poochie: Ruff ruff!

(Luigi starts rubbing Poochie's stomach.)

Luigi: Yeah, that's a good boy. Zatsagooboooooy.

All: ...

Luigi: What?

He's a cute dog.

(Then they heard something. They looked out the window and saw Ashley running away from a van while shouting "No!" over and over. The van was low on gas and had a crappy engine, so that was why it couldn't keep up with a nine year-old girl.)

Luigi: Ashley!

Don Miguel: Quick, to the Galucamobile!

GM: The "Galucamobile" is a two-seater. It can't fit all of us!

Don Miguel: Well, we'll find a way to make room.

Luigi: Fine. I'm driving!

Don Miguel: It's my car!

Luigi: Don't make me lock you in the storage closet.

Author: Mario Jr.

(Eventually a Janitor lets WJ out.)

Jorge: (Shocked) ¿Que es éste?

WJ: Thanks for letting me out. Here's a million dollars!

(WJ hands Jorge a big wad of cash.)

Jorge: ¡Soy rico!

WJ: Oh yeah. *shoots at Jorge* FREEZE IN CARBONITE!

(Jorge turns into a statue of carbonite and shoved into the storage closet for decades until Doomhiker HQ was eventually torn down and made into a Starbucks. Hundreds of years later the area was excavated and Jorge's body was found and put into a museum where it was stolen by a Neko Space Pirate named Kiffus the III, who carelessly left it at Milliways where Julio, a very Mario-esque mechanic, found it in the basement.)

Julio: Hmmm. A statue of carbonite. Luckily I have this de-carbonizing ray gun with me.

(Julio unfreezes Jorge.)

Jorge: ¿Huh, dónde estoy?

Julio: Er, you're at Milliways, son. You must be the last of the Spanish speaking Latinos. That language was outlawed in the Mexican vs Insect war of 2156. It's not anymore but good luck finding someone who can speak it.

Jorge: Oh... Por lo menos soy rico...

Julio: Earth money isn't good anymore.

Jorge: Ay dios mio...

Julio: I guess I'll just adopt you then. You can help me out at work.

Jorge: ¿Qué usted trabaja como?

Julio: Oh, I'm a mechanic.

Jorge: (cries)

~Back hundreds of years~

(WJ is sitting in his luxurious office with the view of Manhattan in the distance.)

Secretary: *via intercom* Your father here to see you.

WJ: Well, well. Seems the old windbag finally shows an interest in me. Send him in.

Wario: *via intercom* I heard that!

WJ: (Shocked)

....

WJ: Take a seat, daddy dearest.

Wario: Don't mind if I do.

(Wario sits in Wario's expensive black leather arm chair and puts his boots on WJ's ebony desk.)

WJ: *cringes* So, what brings you all the way to Earth?

Wario: I know about Project Alpha Male.

WJ: How much do know exactly?

Wario: I know you killed a woman and stole her child in order to make it.

WJ: Mere casualities. No one will ever notice.

Wario: Try the daughter-in-law of my greatest rival and his newborn grandson! Of course a lot of people will notice! It's all over the news. They think Mario Jr. did it but I know it was you, you dirty good-for-nothing son.

WJ: Nothing's ever good enough for you. I try hard to make you proud but all you do is put me down!

Wario: I am proud of you, Wally.

WJ: *cringes* I hate that name.

Wario: It's the name your mother gave you.

WJ: Well, I hate it. I hate her. And I hate you for not thinking I was worthy enough to share your name. Mario named his son after him. Why can't I be a Jr., too?

Wario: Is this what this is all about? You think I was a bad father so you go and kidnap somebody else's kid and in some insane attempt to be the father I never was to you!? Is that it, Wally?

WJ: Don't call me Wally!

Wario: I thought giving you this position would help you make something of yourself. I guess I was wrong. I'm pulling the plug on this company and Project Alpha Male before anyone gets hurt.

WJ: I don't think so father.

Wario: I own the entire Wario Ware franchise. I can do whatever I please.

WJ: I'll show you!

(Opens up his laptop.)

WJ: The Stockmarket!

Wario: You wouldn't dare!

WJ: Abaxis has a current price-to-earnings ratio of 136 and a share price that's 235% this year. Buy, buy, buy!

Wario: No...

WJ: Coeur d'Alene Mines. Dunno what the hell that is but it sounds French, so it's gotta be good. Buy!

Wario: Stop it!

WJ: CyberSource. Sounds Sci-fi-ish. I'm buying the whole thing!

Wario: *grabs chest* MY HEART!

(Wario collaspes to the floor. He starts rummaging through his briefcase for his pill bottles.)

WJ: No!

(WJ kicks the bottles out of Wario's hands. Wario goes into a fit and start convulsing frantically before he freezes up and stops moving all together. WJ carefully lifted up his father's wrist and checks for a pulse. When he felt there was none, he twisted smile crawls across his darkened face.)

WJ: (Twisted Evil) Sleep well, daddy dearest.

(The secretary, a Pauline-looking young lady with black hair and thick framed glasses walks in unexpectedly.)

Secretary: Sir, I don't mean to intrude but I was wondering what you wanted me to do with these pap-- *gasp*

WJ: It's alright, Rain. My dad had stroke.

Secretary: Should I call the paramedics?

WJ: More like the morgue. Cancel all my appointments for today. I have important business to attend to.

(As WJ leaves, Rain turns to Wario's lifeless body on the floor.)

Author: Masamune

~Meanwhile...~

~The Doomhiker car goes over a hill and flies in the air, GORE and Golem hang out the windows with their hands in the air Dukes of Hazard style~

Ashley: That was stupid. *keeps running*

Golem: Almost got her... a little faster...

GORE: I'm giving it all she's got!

~cell phone rings~

Rhyk: That's me. *answers* Hello? Yes. Yes. Okay.

GORE: What is it?

Rhyk: We're being called back to the base, like, now.

Ashley: *watches the van turn around* Hm.

~Later, at the Doomhiker Underground Base~

WJ: Our financial problems are solved. We'll have no further problems with dear old dad.

Scientist Dude: Dead is he? We don't want the authorities coming down on us.

WJ: It was simple. Destroy his money you destroy him.

Scientist Dude: You would think. But speaking of successes, one more problem is solved.

WJ: What is that?

Scientist Dude: Alphie, restrain him.

Alphie: *walks out* He's my father-

Scientist Dude: Be at peace. I am your father, remember? Restrain him.

WJ: *struggles to get loose* What is the meaning of this!?

Scientist Dude: Oh it's quite simple. You were a convenient pawn while it lasted, but now that I have Alphie, I'm afraid you are of no use. You will notice... *presses a button* that I have restrained your 'friends'.

~as soon as the button is pressed, a metal wall opens up. Behind it is the Doomhikers, all in prison cells.~

WJ: I trusted you!

Scientist Dude: *rips off mask* That was your mistake.

GORE: What the... EVIL Scientist Dude!

Golem: *aside* Like we didn't see this coming.

Sapphire: So true.

GORE: Why are you doing this?

EVIL Scientist Dude: Oh why not, I like to monologue now and then. I have worked long to get my ultimate specimen. The Caykforce gave me the research lab to do it in. WJ gave me the cover to operate my schemes. And now that I have Alphie, I no longer need you.

WJ: *is thrown into a cell* You traitor! I'll kill you for this!

EVIL Scientist Dude: Get in line.

~Meanwhile, the Galucamobile is broken down on a desert road~

Vorpal: How did we even get IN a desert anyways?

Masamune: Hey, I followed the signs.

Luigi: Meh. *falls on the ground*

GM: Is that a good idea?

Luigi: It's not like I'll get lucky and die here.

Don Miguel: We just need some gas. We have to send someone to the gas station.

~Everyone looks at Zambi~

Zambi: Urgh?

Author: GORE-ILLA

*In the Doomhikers' cell...*

GORE: I can't believe that EVIL Scientist Dude pulled a SteveT on us.

Sapphire: You seem to know more about this hyperactive nerd. How do we beat him? I'm sick of him already.

GORE: Punch him alot. But he has like, these mechanical defenses surrounding him and his lair. He's kinda high-tech- after all, he designed me. I'M AN ACTUAL ROBOT IN THIS TIMELINE NOT JUST A CYBORG!!

Golem: Well before we plan on smacking down crazy-hair, we should worry about escaping.

Rhyk: I don't think you should worry about that. Our leader's dialogue has already sealed our freedom.

Rebe: (tied up in a corner) Why am I still here?

*Suddenly Masamune bursts in through the ceiling and cuts through all the Doomhikers at once- except that he misses and instead cuts through the prison bars, freeing them.*

Masamune: Alright! Which of ye mentioned alternate timelines?!!

GORE: Why that was him! (points to the hall's mechanical guard)

Masamune: (lunges at the guard) When I'm done with you, you're gonna wish there's an alternate timeline somewhere where I go easier on you!

*Masamune gives the robot the most painful death ever- and somehow makes the robot feel the pain.*

Masamune: Now what?

Kuria: We get out of here! Oh, I forgot I was in this group.

WJ: Wait! Aren't you goimg to free me?

GORE: No way, you doublecrossed us!

Masamune: Technically you guys doublecrossed us too before.

Sapphire: Screw you Masa! This loser isn't worth it.

Golem: (spits in his eye) That's for that dog!

Rhyk: Enough maiming him or he'll whoop our asses when MJ inevitably frees him in his next post.

*As more robot guards enter, everyone climbs on top of GORE, who activates his jet boots. Due to the weight of the many people on him, he cannot hold up the pressure and is forced to land- coincidentally in the exact same desert where the other Gamehikers are and in the exact area of the desert that they were hanging out in.*

Vorpal: Well well! Look who comes crawling back!

GORE: EVIL Scientist Dude has taken over that crazy-ass evil twin's base, and we have to stop him.

Vorpal: We?

GORE: I'm calling a temporary truce. As much as I hate to work alongside a do-gooder like you, I'm afraid laughing man over there forces us to.

Vorpal: How do we know you won't BETRAY us?

GORE: Y'know what, this was a bad idea from the beginning. Let's go, Doomhikers and do some other evil stuff.

Luigi: No, wait!

GORE: What now?

Luigi: Why don't you all drop it and come back to our Gamehikers? You only became supervillains because we were bored and had no one to challenge us! But now we need the help of GORE-ILLA, good guy, and the do-gooding random people whose authors don't post anymore! So what I'm saying is, Doomhikers, with your noses so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

GORE: (looks at the other Doomhikers) I'm sorry to say this guys, but the last meeting of the Doomhikers has now come to a close. You are all dismissed.

*All the Doomhikers do their secret group handshake one more time- and, like everytime they do their secret group handshake, a random city mysteriously explodes. Everyone reluctantly hands in their Doomhiker decoder rings to GORE, who sheds an oil tear as he eats them all.*

GM: Being one of the only people who hasn't spoken yet in this post, I welcome you all back to the Gamehikers.

*Don Miguel strangles GM for taking the line that could easily have been his. In the meantime all the Gamehikers have a heartfelt reunion.*

Author: Vorpal

Don: This doesn't change the fact that we need some gas... and now my car definitely can't fit us all.

Vorpal: Desparate times call for deparate measures!

*In a flash, Vorpal pulls out a remote with a single button, presses it and.... nothing happens*

Vorpal: Hmmm... *presses the button several more times*

Masa: Uhm... Vorpal?

Vorpal: Ah well! *throws remote away* I guess that's not going to work.

Everyone: ~groans~

Luigi: So... exactly how many of us is there?

*The group has now gotten too large for us to manage. It includes: Masamune, Vorpal, Luigi, GM, Don Miguel, Cobrax, Zambi, GORE, Golem, Rhyk, Kuria, Sapphire and Rebe ... wait... Rebe isn't here*

Masamune: Great... we forgot her tied back up in that cell with Wario Jr.

Don: Well, I think there's plenty of us to push my car to the nearest gas station... we'll figure out what to do there.

~Elsewhere... where ever EVIL Sceintist Dude is...~

EVIL: So... they forgot to rescue you, did they?

Rebe: What concern is it of yours?

EVIL: Well... everything really. They'll come to rescue you, no doubt, and I'll have to destroy them when they do. But just as a precaution that they find you before I can defeat them, I'm going to have to send you somewhere where they will never find you.

Rebe: And where is that, exactly?

EVIL: The PAST! Mwhahahahahah!!!

Rebe: The past? You mean like back to when my parents were teenagers? And then I'll somehow break them up, and my father will fall for me, and then I'll meet a younger version of you, and then you'll help me come up with a way to get them back together, involving me inventing some popular song of the era at the same time?

EVIL: No... not quite like that...

Rebe: Dang.

EVIL: No.. I'm sending you to the week before this OG started!

Rebe: Why?

EVIL: Because... uh.... shut up! *pushes Rebe into a weird portal machine that sends her back to the week before the OG started*

Pages in the Gamehiker Member OG 5 Archive

1 - 2 - 3 - 4