Gamehiker Member OG 5 Page 1

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Author: Luigi of the Pipes

LOVE STORY OMG!

~A pair of headlights race down a night-backed road, a barely visible car following. The camera flies into one of the headlights, permanently blinding all viewers/readers. It continues through the headlight and goes through every detailed part of the inside of the car for absolutely no reason except that it costs a lot and looks pretty, while showing a bunch of credits that no one really pays attention to. The camera exits out the tail pipe and turns to look further down the road. There is a brief moment when the headlights illuminate a man, then a loud thud. The car screeches to a halt. The man's body (completely in shadows) is somehow mutilated in such a way as to spell:

GAMEHIKER MEMBER OG V

HOBO MEETS GIRL

~Some time later, the police, an ambulance, and, for the hell of it, a squad of fire fighters pull up. A policeman walks up to the car. (The recently redubbed) Luigi of the Pipes rolls his window down and peers up, a painfully guilty expression on his face. The policeman does a double take.~

Luigi: Sir?

Policeman: Do you have a twin, sir?

Luigi: Not in this OG.

Policeman: A brother who looks really similar? Maybe someone you know who would dress up like you?

Luigi: Not in this OG... why?

Policeman: Step out of the car, please.

~Luigi gets out. The policeman leads him over to the victim.~

Luigi: Wait...

Policeman: Anyone you know?

Luigi: That's me.

Policeman: It would seem, except for the possibility. ~calls his chief and explains~ Sir, this is going to seriously bog down the system. We're going to run some DNA tests and figure out who this is.

Luigi: It's me.

Policeman: We'll need to keep you at the station.

Luigi: Oh.

~Hours later~

Scientist: It's impossible. The tests claim that both of these men are Mr. Lucas Hanimar.

Holistic Detective: I couldn't wrap my head around it, so I've called in an expert.

Young Boy: He'd need a bloody time machine.

Holistic Detective: There you have it.

Scientist: I hate to admit it...

Holistic Detective: So guy goes back in time and gets killed by himself. Pretty sad way to go. We should tell him how much time he's got left.

Scientist: Couldn't he just not go back in time and prevent it?

Holistic Detective: Oh, he'll go back in time. You can't change the past... or the future. How much time does he got?

Scientist: . . . one year.

~The next day~

~Luigi glumly walks up to Yami Yoshi's house, where Yami has recruited the OGers into helping him put up his new deck and pool. Yami stands on the ground with a giant megaphone, while MJ, GORE-ILLA, Golem, and Rhyk stand on the deck, about to jump into the empty pool.~

Yami: Now, guys. The deck isn't completely screwed down yet, so...

Golem: Yeah yeah. If it hasn't collapsed yet, it won't.

~A butterfly floats down and lands on the end of the deck. The support structure collapses, and the furthest board falls down. Their eyes go wide. Another board falls, and then another. Golem and Rhyk turn and run off the deck. MJ backs away quickly, then jumps back as the boards under him start to fall. GORE trips, lands on the boards that haven't quite collapsed, and then lays very still.~

Yami: Nice. Now I have to get a new deck. (angry)

MJ: Hang on, ugly ape guy! We'll pull you back!

Rhyk: Screw that! He has jets on his feet.

GORE: They're still not working. ~sweats intensely~

~MJ steps one board closer to GORE, hears a very loud creaking, and backs away again.~

Luigi: ~sigh~ I got him... ~uses Force powerz to lift GORE off the deck~

GORE: I'm suing.

Yami: Okay, good. Now if you could just put the deck back together and-- hey, where'd he go?

***

Masamune: At last, we can finish this.

Vorpal: FOR MISTY!

Masamune: FOR ME!

~Masamune and Vorpal finish the climactic battle from the last GMOG.~

Vorpal (crappy Japanese voice): But first... let us drink... Mountain Dew!

Masamune (crappy Japanese voice): Are you ready... for my six pack... of FURY!? ~chugs~

Vorpal: Flying two liter... HAI YAH! ~chugs as well~

Masamune: You have proven yourself... a worthy opponent. May we meet again!

Vorpal: Word!

Ashley: You guys are dumb.

***

~Rebe sits at a desk and pulls a locket out of her pocket. She flips it open to show a picture of a stout, bearded man and a tall, pointy eared woman. She looks at it a moment, then turns and starts writing on yon nearby paper.~

Rebe (on letter): Dear Mom and Dad,
Hope you are having fun at whatever that place is where crazy relationships like yours are welcome. Wish I was there, but know you wouldn't want me to be.
My crazy boyfriend has been flirting with other women again. I think he's forgotten that we were even dating... Well, were we even dating? Even I can't remember. I can't just leave him, though. He'd probably sell his soul for a really shiny penny... sorry, really shiny dime without me.
Well, hoping you write back with advice (and money, ha ha ha).
Love,
Rebe Jade.

Rebe: ~sigh~

---

OoC: I'm not allowed to start OGs anymore, I know.

Author: Mario Jr.

(MJ is at the beach, standing next a Star Gate™ . He is carrying his baby boy in his arms and standing next to him were Andi and Marin. Soon the others showed up in their separate cars, bikes, airships or whatever the hell their mode of transportation was.)

GORE: What is it now MJ? This better be good.

MJ: I came tell you guys that tomorrow’s my birthday. Oh, and I'm leaving OGing for awhile.

*scattered groans*

Masa: You interrupted a perfectly good OG for THAT?

GORE: Good riddance.

Luigi: Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

MJ: Ah screw you guys! I'm trying to be serious here. Look, some unexpected things came up. I gotta go back home to tell ma and pops the good news and help Andi raise our son. You guys will just have to do without me.

(MJ presses a button on his remote control with his free hand and conjures up a giant warp pipe from out of the ground. He then helps Andi climb inside and her their son and down they went.)

Masa: Waitaminute! What's with the Star Gate™?

MJ: Oh that piece of plastic? That's just a souvenir I'm bringing back from Earth.

(MJ shoves the entire Star Gate™ , DHD™ and all, into the pipe.)

MJ: Come Marin.

Marin: Actually, MJ… I think I’m going to stay behind.

MJ: Jigga what?

Marin: I mean, that is… *turns to Vorpal and Masa* If there’s still room in THE THREE POINT FIVE COMPAÑEROS.

MJ: Meh, suit yourself. *jumps into pipe*

Author: GM

(We now interrupt the story with a lame newbie post. In an apartment in the area where the story takes place, a man named Giuseppe Mastari, also known by the self-given title of Game Master, or GM for short, is doing what he usually does; play video games for about eight hours straight. He was up to his fifth hour when he got a call a phone call. He paused the game and picked it up, since he kept the phone by the TV so he wouldn't have to get up.)

GM: Hello?

Don Miguel: Hello Joe.

GM: Oh, hey. Anything new?

Don Miguel: Well, yeah. I'm gonna break up with Katie.

GM: Hmm. Why?

Don Miguel: Oh, I don't know. We were having some trouble recently, but then when I went to her house earlier today, there was a group of guys there, and they, well, started to chase me.

GM: That must suck.

Chris: Yeah, it did. Luckily I found The Kenny, and he scared them off.

GM: Cool. But yeah, I'd break up with a girl if she sent a lynch mob after me.

(Don Miguel Galucavich, despite being a little weird, has had 15 more girlfriends than GM ever had, even if the relationship didn't last that long. Also, since Don Miguel only had 15 girlfriends, that was saying something about GM. Also, despite his name, Don Miguel Galucavich was neither Latino or Russian. His parents were just weird when it came to names.)

Don Miguel: So, what about you. What's happening in the Fantastic Life of Joe?

GM: I'm destroying all humans.

Don Miguel: What?

GM: New game.

Don Miguel: Oh.

GM: It's pretty good.

Don Miguel: I see. *pause* OH! GM, I have something to tell you! It's another one of my brilliant creations!

GM: Better than that flying chair?

Don Miguel: Quite possibly! Okay, for a while, I have been thinking, of the way a girl's mind works, when it comes to guys.

GM: I think they made a movie about that.

Don Miguel: So, I've done some studying, and I've come to the conclusion, that one factor, is scent. Y'know, pharamones, and stuff like that. Well, I've created a perfume, that when worn by a guy, will make him more attractive, to women.

GM: Really? Does it work?

Don Miguel: Well, I'm wearing some right now, but I don't know if it works yet.

GM: What's it made of?

Don Miguel: Oh, well, let's see. A mixture of regular perfumes, a teaspoon of alcohol, ground up little green tree-shaped air fresheners, and this is important...

GM: Yeah?

Don Miguel: ...A couple of drops of the wearer's own urine.

GM: ...

Don Miguel: So after the buyer adds in a couple of drops of his own urine, the perfume is complete. Now, I'm thinking of setting up a stand in front of my house later today. Want to come help me sell some?

GM: ...So, let me get this straight. You invented some piss perfume-

Don Miguel: I prefer to call it "love perfume".

GM: *pause* Some piss perfume that makes men more attractive to women. You haven't tested, so it might not even work, yet you want to start selling it? Today?

Don Miguel: Yep.

GM: Why?

Don Miguel: Well, since this is a love story, my love perfume might be a factor. It's about time we joined in on this.

GM: ...

(Later, in front of Don Miguel's house, the two of them were sitting behind a "Love Perfume" stand. It also gives me the chance to describe them. GM was a Caucasian male with black, white-tipped spikey hair, like the quills of a porcupine. He wore black, boots, black gloves, and a black duster with a large red hammer/sickle symbol on the back. He wasn't a communist, he just liked the symbol. However, this did cause him to be the victim of sneak attacks from the "patriotic". He also wore a large Pope hat. Don Miguel was also a Caucasian male, though scrawnier than GM with brown, slightly messy hair, glasses, green pants, and a white lab coat that was actually from a Halloween costume.)

Don Miguel: Yep, any minute now...

GM: I should've brought a book.

Author: Mario Jr.

(And then black woman bursted in from out of nowhere, black hair and red highlights flying everywhere.)

Tiffa: Where MJ at? Why hasn't he STILL introduced me to y'all yet? And why is my hair this color? And why the HELL everytime a black women is introduced why she have to be angry!? In fact, why has every female character MJ has ever created some raving luntic that wanna box everthing she see? Because MJ's a racist sexist hoe who watches to much MadTV!

Marin: Tiffany! Tiffany! Calm down! What are you doing here anyways?

Tiffa: Well, gee, I forgot now.

Marin: Well, you're here now, and the pipe back home is gone so I guess you're stuck here with us. You're welcome join us for the remainder of the OG if you like.

Tiffa: For real? You don't mind if I join y'all?

Marin: Not at all! There's plenty of room in my posse.

(All the guys look at Marin weird.)

Marin: I said POSSE!

Author: Masamune

~Meanwhile, underneath the pool~

Fred: Are you sure this will work?

Lupus: Of course. We'll simply plant this bombinator like so. Once we do, the OGers above will all be destroyed.

Fred: Only those up there anyways.

Lupus: Well yeah. Once they're gone, the others will be mad or something and kill eachother. I dunno.

Fred: Oh.

Lupus: This will do it!

~Meanwhile, above~

Yami: Have you noticed this OG is going nowhere?

GORE: Yeah, pretty much. Usually there's a villain or something by now. Or something interesting.

Luigi: ....

Rhyk: This isn't much of a party though.

Golem: Well, maybe we should start the Party Goers up. Call everyone together, hold a big party. Like the old days.

Luigi: ....

Yami: Stupid Party Goers, ha. I'd never be a party goer. Even if you wrote a big novel about your adventures and offered to let me in on it, I'd laugh at your face probably.

GORE: He makes a compelling point.

Marin: *walks over* Hey guys. This is Tiffa.

GORE: You already introduced her.

Marin: But you ignored me.

Yami: Yeah? So?

Marin: *curses*

Yami: So I'm gonna- POOF! *jumps in pool*

GORE: Hey, its swimming time. Cool.

Yami: Pfft, for me. You losers can go barbecue the steaks.

GORE: Fat chance. *runs to jumps in anyways*

~before he even hits the water, a HUGE EXPLOSION GOES OFF~

Golem: Holy-

Rhyk: A bombinator!

Marin: Yami is-

Golem: GORE! *points to GORE surrounded by a huge chasm of lava just because*

Rhyk: I ain't going over there.

Tiff: Not it.

Luigi: Eh. *starts walking over*

Golem: You'll be killed!

Luigi: I can't die. Not yet anyways. *calmly walks over and drags GORE to safety*

Rhyk: That wasn't very dramatic.

Marin: But Yami is...

Luigi: Yes. Dead.

~moment of silence~

Golem: So, how about those steaks?

Author: GM

(Back at the love perfume stand...)

GM: No one's coming.

Don Miguel: Joe, we've only been here for fifteen minutes.

GM: I'm not a patient person.

Don Miguel: Just wait at least an hour longer. If no one comes by then, we can pack up.

GM: An hour's too long. Wait...

(GM smells the scent of BBQed steak. GM loved steak, but he also had other ideas.)

GM: Seems that someone's having a party. Maybe I can lure them here. At least then I'll get some money out of the deal.

Don Miguel: I don't know. It smells like it's coming from that place across the street. I heard an explosion coming from there earlier.

GM: Well, if there are any terrorists or evildoers, or anything, I think I can take care of them. I'm off!

Don Miguel: Okay. Don't do anything stupid! Bye bye!

(So, GM jogged across the street.)
_________________________

(Meanwhile, in the half-destroyed pool area.)

Golem: Okay! Steaks are on the grill! They're grilling nicely!

GORE: Are you going to narrate while you cook?

Golem: If I feel like it.

GM: ...Steaks huh?

Golem: Yes they are!

GM: Mmm Mmm! I sure do love steaks.

Golem: Yes you do... Wait, who are you again?

GM: Suckerpunch! BAM!

(The stranger suckerpunched Golem in the face. While he was dazed, GM took the steaks from the grill and began to run.)

GM: Ah! Hot! Hot! HOT!!!

GORE: Hey! That guy's stealing our steaks!

Luigi: So? Don't you have more?

Golem: No! Someone has to go after him!

Rhyk: I'm not going after him.

Tiffa: Not it.

GORE: You two refused to help me earlier! That means you have to chase that guy now!

Luigi: Eh. I'm not hungry anyway.

(That's when GM got caught in a bear trap and fell!)

GM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Marin: Why did Yami have bear traps in his yard?

Rhyk: To keep out the bears, of course.

(Rhyk motioned to the bears on the other side of the fense.)

Soldier Bear: *in bear language* [Sir! One of their traps is down!]

Kaiser Bear IV: [Yes! The Bear Empire shall rule this house soon enough!]

(The intruder soon found himself surrounded.)

GM: Eheheh... So, anyone interested in some love perfume? ...Oh, c'mon! There's suppose to be a love story! Where's the love!?
_______________________

(Back at the stand...)

Don Miguel: Maybe I should've tested it before selling it. And maybe I should've sold it at a place more public. Or maybe I should've just stayed home and finished my android...

(Suddenly, something fell from the sky and landed right in front of the stand. It was Yami. Maybe dead, maybe not. Either way, there was smoke rising from him, he was covered in soot, and he wasn't moving.)

Don Miguel: ...Hiyo, sir! Have you ever had trouble when it came to your love life?

Yami: ...

Author: Mario Jr.

Marin: Okay... Now where did Tiffa go off to? Don't tell me I have to babysit her like I did MJ.

(Marin starts looking around and spots Tiffany across the street looking at perfume.)

Tiffa: So the wearer puts a few drops of his own urine in the perfume and it somehow makes him more attractive to women?

Don Miguel: Yup.

Tiffa: Can this work vice versa?

Don Miguel: I think so.

Tiffa: Great! I'll buy two please.

Marin: What the hell are you doing?

Tiffa: I buying some Love Perfume, get off my back!

Marin: Don't you know that's just a scam. First he'll get you to smell it. Next thing you know, you wake up on the curbside and your purse is gone.

Tiffa: Aw, but he's cute! He'd never do anything like that to me.

Don Miguel: *cheesy grin*

Marin: You must be kidding...

Don Miguel: I'd never do that... I'm a nice guy and I run an honest business.

Marin: Selling piss perfume in stand outside your house?

Don Miguel: Well actually, I prefer the term Love Perfume.

Marin: Whatever. We're getting out of here Tiffany. *grabs Tiffa by the arm*

Tiffa: Hey!

(As Marin drags Tiffa off, Tiffa manages to slip out a "call me" gesture to Don Miguel.)

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

GM: W-wait. UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT LEFT RIGHT RIGHT B A START!

~Nothing happens.~

GORE: It's LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT.

GM: Damn you Konami code!

~GM is royally pounded upon.~

Kaiser Bear IV: [Now, ursa!]

~Two hundred Soldier Bears run into Yami's yard while the others are distracted. The scene goes into slow motion as the Soldier Bears race for the front door, several of them falling into bear traps along the way, or getting distracted by conveniently placed beehives. By the time they reach the door to Yami's house, there are only six Soldier Bears left and Kaiser Bear IV himself.~

Kaiser Bear IV: [Let's see... it's locked!]

Soldier Bear: [Okay, sir. I'll break it down.]

Kaiser Bear IV: [B-break it down? You idiot, this is finely carved Super Happy Tree wood. Only a truly sacriligeous Yoshi would cut that thing down just for a door. We shouldn't disrespect his handiwork. Look for the hide-a-key.]

Soldier Bear: [Where would a Yoshi put a hide-a-key, though?]

~A random Soldier Bear points to a gigantic rock in the middle of the lawn with "HIDE-A-KEY" carved into it.~

Kaiser Bear IV: [Joo foolz! That's obviously a red herring! He couldn't push that rock over to get the key.]

~Grumbled agreement.~

Soldier Bear: [Let's just grab the grill and run for it.]

Lupus: Hold on, my fine fur-bred friend. Fred, hook this gentleman up with that spare key Yami gave us.

Fred: You mean that chocolate one?

Lupus: . . .

~Twenty-four hours later~

Fred: Here we go!

Kaiser Bear IV: [For your efforts, human, we will spare you vicious maulings.]

Lupus: Oh, I'm thinking much bigger than that... Just sign this contract, and your little "Bear Empire" can become the next "Bear Planet"! You just have to sign your soul in blood.

Kaiser Bear IV: [My blood?]

Lupus: No, that's unsanitary. We've taken six worm-fed chickens and had them peck at a rope which is connected to a knife which will cut through another rope which will drop a needle that will scratch this CD badly enough that the owner will break it in half in his frustration, producing thousands of tiny shards of CD that will cut through another rope which will dip this feather pen into this bottle of imitation blood for your convenience.

Kaiser Bear IV: [Oh.]

Fred: He does this all the time, don't worry.

Author: Mario Jr.

Tiffa: Hey! Let go of me!

Marin: *sniffs the air* What's that smell? *sniffs again* Tiffa! You didn't put on that Piss Perfume did you!?

Tiffa: Maybe...

Marin: Tiffa, that's just sick! ... And yet... I can't help but feel strangely attracted to you.

Tiffa: Um, Mare... Are you alright?

Marin: Just shut up and kiss me already! *pounces on Tiffa*

Tiffa: Gah! *falls over*

(Meanwhile, back in Yami's backyard...)

Sapphire: Something smells good... *gets up*

Golem: Nuh-uh! You're staying here.

Sapphire: I don't take orders from you.

(Sapphire pushes Golem into the still empty pool. His head hits the concrete and he gets up rubbing his tender head.)

Golem: *sob* You're so right, Saph....

Kuria: I smell it too. I'm going to go check it out. *leaves*

Vorpal: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this. maybe we should stop them.

Tiffa: Get your crazy white ass off of me!

(Tiffa pushes Marin off just in time to see Sapphire charging out of nowhere in their direction. Tiffa manages to duck out of the way only to be tackled by Kuria. Soon, women from everywhere within a five mile radious start dogpiling on her and through a small crack of airspace, she could see a 200 pound woman standing on a nearby roof, getting to dive right on top of them.)

Tiffa: Oh sh--

(The scene freezes at that very second as the following message appears.)

WARNING!
Love Perfume assumes no responsibility for awkward lesbian accounters with best friends, friends' sister, friends' girlfriends just plain women you don't know.

(Don Miguel turns off the TV.)

Don Miguel: So what do you think?

GM: It was kinda long.

Don Miguel: Well, I wanted make it clear that it works just as good for heterosexual men as well.

GM: Yeah, but did you really have to add the part with the talking bears and the Stargate?

Don Miguel: I guess I still have some editing to do. Got any better ideas?

GM: Sorry but I better go. MJ won't stop nagging me to join this new OG at Gamehiker.

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

OoC: Sorry for the length and depth of this post, but...

---

GORE: Good steaks.

Golem: Yeah.

GM: ~tied up next to the pool~ Mmph.

Sapphire: Steaks, huh...

Kuria: I'm more of a vegetarian, really.

Rhyk: Are there any cold ones?

All: . . .

Rhyk: What? Robots don't follow the law.

Rebe: My mom and my dad had a drinking contest once. Mom won.

Golem: Oh.

Luigi: . . .

~Masamune and Vorpal go flying out of a window of Yami's house, sliced to ribbons.~

GORE: Holy crap!

Rhyk: Looks like they've been through a cusinart.

Golem: A what?

Rhyk: Blender...

Sapphire: Who did this?

Rhyk: We'll worry about that later. These two need medical attention. ~picks up Masamune and Vorpal~ Ugh... you two aren't going to help me any. Damn heavy swords...

Kuria: I'll help.

~They carry Masamune and Vorpal away.~

Sapphire: I'll get Marin, I suppose. ~turns into Lady in Red and flies away~

Golem: Bah. If that freak's coming, I'm going. ~leaves~

GORE: Same here. Gotta deal with this guy anyway. ~picks up GM and leaves~

~Luigi and Rebe trade glances.~

Luigi: I'm going in. Ashley might still be in there.

Rebe: I'll come with you.

Luigi: No. I can't die yet, but you can.

Rebe: So? If she's my daughter too, then...

~Luigi glances at the ground.~

Rebe: I'm sorry.

Luigi: ~shrugs~ Let's go.

***

Marin: Screw it. Yami's dead anyway, and we've got more girly stuff to do.

Tiffa: Whee!

Lady in Red: Oh, fine.

***

~Luigi and Rebe search the house. Luigi repeatedly waves Rebe out of danger.~

Rebe: ~stretches the corners of her mouth, making goofy faces~ So... what am I? Comic relief?

???: [Relief. Pain free. Rolaids.]

~They turn.~

Kaiser Bear IV: [Kaiser Bear IV.]

~Lupus walk up.~

Luigi: Lupus! Where's Ashley?

Lupus: Don't worry about her. I sent Fred with her to get some ice cream.

~Six other bears walk up.~

Luigi: Hello. ~thumbs laser sword on~

Bears: [Hello.][What am I?][Comic relief?]

Luigi: Um... get behind me.

Bears: [Get behind me.][Is it enough?][No...]

Rebe: If the bears took out Masamune and Vorpal...

Bears: [Took out.][Bears.][Vorpal...]

Rebe: What chance do we have?

Luigi: Realistically?

~Luigi's laser sword's battery dies.~

Luigi: . . .none. . .

~The bears lunge at Luigi and Rebe, while Kaiser Bear IV and Lupus stand aside. Luigi and Rebe barely hold off the bears with flashy punches and kicks. Rebe gets slashed across the stomach.~

Rebe: Aaaaaahhhgod!

Luigi: Rebe!

Bears: [Hello.][Realistically?][Comic relief?]

Luigi: Why are you doing this?!

Bears: [Because we can.]

Lupus: Because they must.

Kaiser Bear IV: [We must weed out the weak humans to create our Bear Planet. Like we weeded out those two...]

Luigi: Vorpal and Masamune aren't dead. Heck, Masamune can't die. Neither can I... yet.

Kaiser Bear IV: [I am Kaiser Bear IV. Surely you don't think they could have beaten me.]

Luigi: If you hadn't caught them off guard, yes.

Kaiser Bear IV: [Here's a secret, then. We didn't catch them off guard.]

Luigi: Oh...

Rebe: Damn.

Luigi: We'll just be leaving, then.

~A pair of flaming wings shoot out of Luigi's back. He picks up Rebe and flies for a window. The bears grab hold of him, slashing and biting, but he makes it out, shakes the bears off, and crash-lands in a jungle about a mile away.~

Luigi: Ugh... sorry. Too weak... to move. Shouldn't have let you go in.

Rebe: I chose.

Luigi: I wasn't... supposed to die now... Aaaahhh... ~faints~

Rebe: You won't.

~Rebe stands up and puts her fingers in the cut on her stomach. After a bit, the cut disappears. She runs her bloody fingers over Luigi's wounds, then walks away.~

Rebe: Ugh... my clothes are like spaghetti... ~steals Luigi's robe and ties it closed around her~

Luigi: ~wakes up~ Um... we're alive?

Rebe: Yeah. Don't ask. Let's go.

~Rebe helps Luigi up.~

Rebe: I'm kinda curious. Why do you keep saying you can't die yet?

Luigi: . . . Last night, I hit myself while I was driving home. Apparently I went back in time or something. But they said that the me who got hit was 23, and I'm 22 now...

Rebe: So just don't go back in time.

Luigi: It's not that simple. You can't change the past, or the future.

Rebe: That's ridiculous!

Luigi: It's true!

Rebe: No. You're acting like we don't get to make choices in life. You can't make me believe that.

Luigi: But...

Bears: [Can't make me believe...][Ridiculous!][True...]

Luigi: . . .

Bears: [. . .]

***

Rhyk: We've done what we can.

~Golem and GORE enter.~

Golem: Hey. Where's Luigi and Rebe?

Rhyk: They stayed at Yami's house.

Golem: You left them alone with those monsters?!

Rhyk: So did you!

Golem: If they're dead, so help me...

GORE: Let's just shut up and go, guys!

~Rhyk picks up a phone and calls Lady in Red.~

Rhyk: Hey, Sapphire. How far can you fly?

Lady in Red: About a half a mile, if I push it. Why?

Rhyk: Nevermind. You're useless. ~hangs up~

~The phone rings again. Rhyk picks it up.~

Rhyk: Hello? Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Rebe: HELLO! THIS IS REBE JADE! LUIGI'S DOWN AND THE BEARS ARE KILLING US! ANY TIME YOU WANNA COME AND HELP, WE'D REALLY... ~click~

All: ~gaspses~

***

Kaiser Bear IV: [Hold him down!]

~Two bears bite into Luigi's shoulders.~

Luigi: Gaaahh!

Rebe: Luigi, help! ~is being mauled~

Lupus: You'll have to excuse him. He's busy dying.

Kaiser Bear IV: [Who is this guy, anyway?]

Luigi: Luigi of the Pipes... Lucas Hanimar. I bum off your salary.

~The bears bite harder.~

Rebe: Luigi!

Bears: [Kill her!][Eat her bones!]

Rebe: Eat this! ~uppercut~

~Rebe is further mauled.~

Luigi: No!

~Luigi grows fiery wings again, warding the bears off of him. He lifts into the air.~

Luigi: I swear, if she dies... If someone as faithful and beautiful as her dies...

~The trees around him part, causing a beam of sunlight to perfectly light Luigi, making him look like an angel of death.~

Luigi: Then there is no God.

~He picks up a stick and goes crazy on the bears. He then picks up Rebe and flies back to Yami's house.~

***

~Golem, Rhyk, Kuria, and GORE run to Yami's house.~

Rhyk: Scanners indicate that Luigi's laser sword is moving around. I guess you won't have to kill me now, eh?

Golem: Hmmph.

GORE: Or it's just inside of some monster's stomach.

~They all turn to look at GORE.~

GORE: I'm just saying.

Golem: Nice, GORE. Very classy.

~Lady in Red floats down.~

Lady in Red: Flew four miles, Rhyk. Never write me off as useless.

Rhyk: Done. Now keep up. ~jets pop out of his feet and he flies away~ Lives are at stake!

***

Luigi: ~wakes up again~ Why... aren't we staying dead?

Rebe: It's my blood. I'm... a dwelf.

Luigi: What?

Rebe: Half-dwarf, half-elf. Elves and dwarves are long-lived. But the traits kinda mix weird with each other, so all I get is this healing power. And I need to use my blood to do it.

Luigi: Cool.

Rebe: It's not cool! Elves and dwarves hate each other! Not only am I supposed to hate myself for that, but everyone else does too! And all the traits that dwarves and elves have cancel each other out, so I'm practically human. I don't even have pointy ears...

Luigi: At least you don't have a beard.

Rebe: Don't tell anyone. Especially not Masa. He hates elves.

Luigi: Okay.

Kaiser Bear IV: [How cute.]

Luigi: You guys don't give up.

Rebe: Where's Lupus?

Kaiser Bear IV: [He went to find Fred.] ~shrugs~

Luigi: We'll start on the left.

Rebe: Right.

Luigi: No, l--

~The ceiling rumbles. The bears look up as GORE comes crashing in and lands on top of them. Kuria fires arrows down while Golem and Rhyk jump in.~

Golem: We need a distraction, Rhyk!

Rhyk: Then cover your eyes!

~Rhyk pulls out a giant camera and takes a picture, with flash. GORE starts pummeling the bears.~

Golem: Rhyk! Another distraction, please!

Rhyk: Oh, nooow you're nice to me. Eyes, please! ~takes another picture~

~Lady in Red flies in, grabs Luigi and Rebe, and flies back out. The bears stumble around.~

Bears: [Kaiser, we're blinded!]

Kaiser Bear IV: [Follow their scents!]

GORE: You saying I stink? Little ol' GORE-ILLA? ~slaps the bears away, then smells under his arm~ Well, maybe a little...

Kuria: Kaiser, no!

~They turn to see Kaiser Bear IV, standing on Yami's gas stove with a match.~

Kaiser Bear IV: [No what, OGer?] ~turns on the stove~ [No, don't kill us all?]

GORE: Everyone behind me! I'll cover us with this table!

~The others jump behind GORE and run outside as the stove explodes. The explosion sends GORE and Kaiser Bear IV flying.~

GORE: AAAAHH!

Lady in Red: GORE-ILLA...

~GORE staggers out of the house.~

GORE: Man, that was... coooooool... ~faints~

Rhyk: His burns are too bad. He can't survive this.

Rebe: Yes he can... with my help.

Golem: Well... ~looks around~ Now where are we supposed to hang out?

***

~Kaiser Bear IV's scorched corpse lands next to Yami Yoshi's dead corpse.~

Kaiser Bear IV: How you doin'...?

Don Miguel: Excellent. More ingredients for my love potion.

Author: Vorpal

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