Gamehiker Member OG 4 Page 1
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Author: SteveT[edit]
~Deep in the shadows, the gods are locked in debate~
One: The OGs are no longer under our control.
Two: Too much has changed. We must begin again.
Three: It is the only way.
One: Then it is decided. We shall create a new OG.
Three: But by whose hand shall it be done?
One: Not it.
Two: Not it.
Three: Oh, fine...
~Blue letters rise to the surface of a dark pool~
Gamehiker Member OG IV: Cheesecake of the Gods
~Lightning flashes over a small diner in the desert~
~Darkness~
~A light turns on. All you see is a cheesecake on a shelf. A giant face comes into view~
Luigi_64: Yo, yo, yo, that's money! Cheesecake!
Arab Dude: Employees only!
Luigi_64: Nah, homes. It's cool. I'm just scoring some cheesecake, yo.
Arab Dude: Get out of my refrigerator! I serve the cheesecake around here.
Luigi_64: If it bugs you so much, I'll just take da cake and sit down, A.D.
Arab Dude: I'm charging double.
~Thunder sounds, and the lights go out~
~When power returns, Luigi_64 is sitting at a table, his face in the cheesecake. All the surrounding tables are filled with the Gamehikers~
Yami Yoshi: He's not breathing.
SteveT: Good.
Masamune: Oh darn...
SteveT: I was kind of worried for a second. He was still moving when I let go.
Luigi: At least he died young. Having two characters with the same first name gets rather burdensome.
SteveT: I killed him.
Vorpal: Who do you think killed him?
SteveT: I did.
Golem: It could have been any one of us.
SteveT: No, just me.
GORE: No one leaves until we find out.
SteveT: You already did.
MJ: But how will we figure this out.
SteveT: I just told you.
~The door to the diner flings open, and a flash of lightning reveals Straw Man, dressed like Sherlock Holmes~
Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.
Chibi Devil: You can say that again.
Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.
Chibi Devil: You can say that again.
Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.
Chibi Devil: You can say that again.
Straw Man: I see we have a mystery on our hands.
Chibi Devil: You can say that again.
Straw Man: I see...wait, you just told me to stop saying that.
Chibi Devil: No I didn't.
Straw Man: You can say that again
Chibi Devil: No I—what? Hey!
Straw Man: Now then, I shall examine the evidence. Who last spoke to Luigi_64?
Vorpal: I believe it was Arab Dude.
SteveT: I think I might have said something to him while I was killing him.
Straw Man: Well then, Arab Dude is our prime suspect.
~Straw Man examines Luigi_64 and the cheesecake~
Straw Man: I have it! See these footprints? The pattern of the crumbs? The fingerprints on the cake? It's so obvious!
Masamune: What is?
SteveT: That I killed him. Obvious because I told you I did.
Straw Man: Just a moment. ~Flips through Straw Man's Book of Citation~ Yes, I'm sure of it.
Golem: Well tell us already!
Straw Man: The killer is gone. You must travel to Boston...or as I call it, Rocketsville III. Many things are amiss in that city. I have a feeling you'll find your killer there.
~Lightning strikes one final time, and the storm blows away~
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
~In Boston there exists a man. His name is Tortilla the Hun. He has the power to cook any pseudo-Mexican food in ten seconds flat. But since this story is about cheesecake, he can cook that too. He also hosts his own TV show, which involves more knife-throwing and product-pushing than actual cooking. It's on right now in Arab Dude's diner.~
Tortilla: That's right, viewers. *I* killed Luigi_64 in cold cheesecake. Do not ask how I got from here to Las Vegas in such a short time, and how I got back in an even shorter time. And now, let's learn how to make the perfect burrito with anchovies and just a hint of candle wax...
Straw Man: Our first suspect!
SteveT: I hate you.
Author: Masamune[edit]
Masamune: We'll take the Swordefeller!
Steve: I sold it.
Dodo: It's gone!
Masamune: Who could have done this!?
Steve: Me.
Masamune: When I find the man who did this, they shall rue the day...
Steve: Plenty of rueing over here.
Luigi: Fortunately I brought a Jedi Star Fighter.
Masamune: Really?
Luigi: No, but it would've been a good idea.
Vorpal: In that case, we'll take the Vorp-Mobile!
~A big V flashes across the screen~
Masamune: How did we get here?
Vorpal: Cheap special effects. Behold, you are in the Vorp Cave!
Narrator: The screen pans out to a huge chasm. Inside is a V-shaped Jet, a huge supercomputer, a big screen TV equipped with a wall of game slots for every game possible, a surround sound system surrounded by a cozy pad of sofas and chairs, a huge industrial size refridgerator, a private kitched and dinette, a swimming pool and spa, a golf course, two basketball courts, a padded room for fencing, a three level dungeon, a giant aquarium, and-
Marin: Okay! We get it, he has a lot of stuff. Sheesh.
Goombutler: *in snobby, british accent* Will you be going out with your friends, Master Hamilton?
Vorpal: Don't tell them my secret identity!
Goombutler: You went through half of GMOG as Hamilton.
Vorpal: Dammit!
Steve: Interesting. *writes that down*
Vorpal: Anyways. *walks over to a sleek purple car that is definitely not anything like the Wario Car* The Vorp Mobile!
Golem: We all won't fit in that.
Vorpal: Fine. We'll take the Vorp Tour Bus. *points to a big bus/RV that is also purple and black*
Fred: How exactly did you get all this?
Vorpal: When I stole the Vorpal sword back from Murasame, I snatched his credit card.
~Inside the Vorp Tour Bus, Vorpal is driving with GORE-ILLA stuffed in the passenger seat as 'co-pilot'~
GORE: On the road again... oh I can't want to get on the road again...
Vorpal: You're two OGs late for that.
GORE: Darn.
Author: Mario Jr.[edit]
~As the tour bus is driving down the highway, a woman is seen at the side of the road exposing her leg.~
Vorpal: Whoa! What was that?
GORE: Temptation.
Vorpal: I think that girl was pregnant. We should go back and help her out.
~MJ jumps up from his seat~
MJ: No! That woman is nothing but trouble.
GORE: I take it you recognize that woman.
Marin/MJ: Yes/No.
Marin: :roll: That's MJ's wife. Princess Andromeda of the Coral Kingdom.
MJ: Damn you!
GORE: You're married?
MJ: Unfortunately yes.
GORE: I feel sorry for your wife.
MJ: Well you know what!? You better start feeling sorry for yourselves if you let her on the bus.
Andi: Let who on the bus?
MJ: Vorpal!
Vorpal: Sorry. My good summaritan genes got the best of me. I couldn't help it.
Andi: MJ! I travel the world looking for your sorry deadbeat ass and you don't so much as give your wife a hello.
MJ: Sign the divorce papers and then we'll talk.
Andi: We're talking now.
MJ: Damn you, woman!
Author: Masamune[edit]
~Elsewhere~
Don Cornmuffin: ~in thick, depe italian accent~ Tell me, CK. Why have you come?
Roy: The OGers turned the Caykzors against me and beat them like animals. It was wrong.
Don Cornmuffin: And you want revenge, is that it?
Roy: What do I have to pay you?
Don Cornmuffin: You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married asking me to do villainy for money. Do you even call me Codfather as I was to be to your children?
Roy: I only ask for justice.
Don Cornmuffin: Carrotcake... Carrotcake... What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your Caykzor army would be suffering this very day. And that by chance if an honest villain such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.
Roy: Be my friend... Codfather?
Don Cornmuffin: *gives him Hershey's Kiss* Good. Some day, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day -- accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.
~Elsewhere!~
Vorpal: Dun dun dun dun... VORPAL!
Masamune: Dude, you've been singing that for TWO HOURS. Turn the radio on or something!
Vorpal: It only picks up the Polka station. All the other stations messed up my device to tap into Police Communications and free Cable TV.
GORE: This gets free Cable TV?
Vorpal: Only if uh, the cable is hooked up...
GORE: *slaps forehead* Why am I not surprised.
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
~The group arrives in Rocketsville III.~
Vorpal: There is something... amiss.
~Rocketsville III is completely destroyed.~
Vorpal: I've got it! That salon that used to be there is a convenience store! Damn, I loved getting a trim there...
~The others just kinda gape at the destruction.~
GORE: We should see if we can help.
Yami: How?
GORE: I dunno, any way.
~A legion of men walk out of the wreckage wearing fish-shaped helmets.~
Codtrooper: General Vorpal. We've been sent to assist you.
Vorpal: Meesa? A general? ~faints~
Codtrooper: Ooookay... General Masamune.
Masamune: Meesa? A general? ~faints~
Codtrooper: . . . Listen, why don't you all just make this easy and divide up, and we'll divide up and follow you?
~The Gamehikers divide up and explore the city. A light blinks on the watch of the Codtrooper following Golem. He presses a button and a hologram of Don Cornmuffin pops up.~
Don Cornmuffin: Execute Order #66096329875234437apluralZZalpha4
Codtrooper: Yes sir.
~The Codtrooper pulls out his codebook.~
Codtrooper: Let's see... let's see... Ah! Sir!
~Golem turns.~
Codtrooper: Sit down. You need a foot massage.
Golem: REAL-ly? Cool!
Don Cornmuffin: You idiot!
Codtrooper: Wait... wait...
~The Codtrooper shoots Golem. Sad music begins to play as the other Codtroopers shoot at him as well.~
~Masamune is riding around Rocketsville III in the Vorp Tour Bus. A Codtrooper targets him with a missile and fires, sending him flying off of the road and into a residential pond.~
~Marin leads some Codtroopers through a tangle of dead power cables. The Codtroopers stop suddenly, causing her to stop as well.~
Marin: It got quiet, suddenly. Is it an enemy?
Codtrooper: No.
~The Codtrooper shoots her in the back, followed by the others.~
~Luigi is following SteveT, Straw Man, and Lynel at a distance, when his legs collapse under him and he catches the side of a building.~
~Rhyk, Dodo, and GORE jet above the city, with several Codtroopers behind them. The Codtroopers start firing at Rhyk, who, despite using Dodo and GORE as shields, is shot down.~
~Kuria, Lady in Red, MJ, Rebe, Andi, and Yami huddle within some wreckage. Lupus approaches them.~
Yami: Lupus! We were attacked... what are we going to do...? Lupus...?
~Lupus steps away to reveal Fred, hammer at the ready. Yami backs away, growing fearful.~
~Luigi collapses, holding his forehead. He gets to his feet slowly as two Codtroopers approach him from behind. In a flash, he flips around and decapitates them both.~
Straw Man: You fool! Now who's going to help us? You've doomed us! We're doomed!
Luigi: There's trouble in Boston.
SteveT: You're quick.
Luigi: Let's go. ~climbs on to Lynel's back~
Lynel: . . .
~Goombutler flies the V-Plane to Rocketsville III, having noticed that it was burning. He lands outside of a building with several Codtroopers around it.~
Goombutler: I say! What's going on here, old beans?
Codtrooper: Nothing. This city is currently off limits. ~points his gun at Goombutler~ Please leave.
~Goombutler slowly backs away, when suddenly Vorpal lunges out of the building, flipping in midair to land between him and the Codtroopers, and starts cutting them down. The Codtroopers shoot at him until eventually he falls.~
Goombutler: MASTER!
Codtrooper: ~points at Goombutler~ No witnesses.
~Goombutler jumps back into the V-Plane and flies away as the Codtroopers shoot at him.~
Author: Masamune[edit]
~The V-Plane lands near Vorpal~
Goombutler: Oh dear, are you quite alright?
Vorpal: Ugh....
Goombutler: Sir?
Vorpal: I am the terror... that flaps in the night....
Goombutler: Very good sir. I found this fish on your head.
Vorpal: Wait... a fish?
~NEXT!~
~Vorpal descends into the building, his cape in a V shape all spooky like~
Lupus: Ah, Vorp-Man. What can I do for you.
Vorpal: *in deep edgy voice* So, you're taking out the OGers, are you?
Lupus: That's right, Vorp-Man, and there's a free fish-hat with every one we take down. Care for one?
Vorpal: No. You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
Lupus: And what's that supposed to mean?
Vorpal: It means you set up Murasame! You orchestrated Luigi's fall to the Dark Side! You stopped the pizza from delivering to the M&M Galaxy in under thirty minutes! It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my paycheck and I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Luigi!
Lupus: We'll see about that, Detective Looselips. ~he chuckles as he presses a button on a remote~
Computer: Now activating fish brain-control devices.
Vorpal: Huh?
~Elsewhere~
Marin: *gets up* All hail Lupus.
Dodo: *does too* All hail Lupus.
Straw Man: All hail SOMEBODY ELSE. *takes off fish hat* I ain't no follower.
Luigi: We can't help them, come on.
Steve: Good, I hate all of them anyways. And you, but I'll betray you later, just like I did Luigi 64.
Straw Man: A murder I will solve. THE FIEND WILL NOT ESCAPE!
~Elsewhere!~
Masamune: *crawls out of the pond coughing* Back off fishies! I aten't dead!
Codtrooper 1: You're supposed to be dead!
Masamune: Am I not? *looks at self* Parsley... parsnip... partake... parffill...
Codtrooper 2: Parley?
Masamune: That's the one!
Codtrooper 1: *glares at the other Codtrooper and hisses* Parley!?
~And then, at the Codfather's Mansion!~
Don Cornmuffin: What is this? You bring this man here to speak to me, covered in water and smelling of fried fish?
Masamune: I do NOT smell of fried fish, they're baked. And one is grilled. *pulls a fish out of pocket* See?
Don Cornmuffin: You insolent little man. I'll have you killed as soon as I am done.
Masamune: You don't want to be doing that...
Don Cornmuffin: Oh, I think I do.
Masamune: Your funeral.
Don Cornmuffin: *groans* Why don't I want to be doing this?
Masamune: Because uh, I lost my train of thought. But hey, I betcha I'm more useful alive!
Don Cornmuffin: Bah, throw him in the dungeon.
Masamune: *suddenly backs up to the door* Gentlemen... Codfather. You will all remember this as the day you ALMOST. CAUGHT. Captain Masamune the uh, Beige! *trips on window, falls into the bush outside, runs away from the guard dogs, and ends up back inside*
Codtrooper: That has to be the worst pirate I have ever heard of.
Masamune: But you have heard of me. Wink
Author: Ditto McCloaker[edit]
Happy Little Elf: (comes out of tree) Hello world! Hello birds! I'm so insanely happy! HA HA HA HA HA AH HA!
Narrator: Now, if you're the sort of person who likes stories about cheerful little elves and singing forest animals and happy endings...
*thunder claps and scene changes to a cemetery as a dark figure stalks across it*
Narrator: I'm afraid this isn't the story for you. It's not too late. I'm sure there's a much more cheerful OG about hilarious Presiddntial adminsitrations or children on their way to a party just a few boards back. But this is not that kind of story. I wish I could tell you that Vorpal and Masamune ran far, far away from this destroyed city to a land of rainbows and chocolate.
Vorpal: Ooh!
Narrator: But this would not be the truth.
Vorpal: Neutral
Narrator: I have dedicated my life to exposing every detail of this Sequence of Regrettable Occurrences. This is the story of the Vorpamune Orphans.
*Narrator lights a match and holds it to a tombstone. The tombstone is engraved "DITTO MCCLOAKER".*
Narrator: Masamune, the older one. Who liked to watch television.
Masamune: We're not orphans.
Vorpal: Our parents are very much alive.
Narrator: And Vorpal, who didn't know when to shut up.
Slort: [Pwned].
Narrator: And Slort, who liked to bite things. You see, he was just a baby Goomba, and couldn't talk..
Slort: [I'm a fully grown Goomba, and I speak Goombeli].
~Vorpal and Masamune run through the devastated city until finally arriving on a street block where two houses are not destroyed.
They look at the first house, a ginormous, gothic-looking, run-down manse with dead trees out front and a giant, rumbling, ominous black cloud hanging overhead...
...and over to the pretty, white, well-kept, dilligently gardened, window-barred little Georgian mansion with tasteful purple drapes and chirping birds in an exquisite Roman birdbath~
Vorpal: Tell you what, let's try that one.
~There's a squeaking sound as a metallic device in an upper window of the foreboding house telescopes around to point at the neighboring house. Suddenly, a ginormous bolt of fire and destruction erupts from it reducing the entire property to a giant smoking crater~
Masamune: Um. Hey I got an idea let's try the not destroyed one.
Slort: ~SWALLOW~
Vorpal: *knocks* Hello? *panel slides open in the door and a telescoping eye looks out at them, then slides in, then the door opens. The three walk in*
Masamune: Um. Anybody home?
Voice: HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
*a tall, dark, unbelievably sinister figure dressed in aristocrat's clothes from 100 years ago appears at the top of a staircase*
Voice: I AM YOUR BELOVED... COUNT DITTOF.
Masamune: Holy shiznit.
Count Dittof: And you must be *checks note scrawled on his palm* Vorpal. And so you must be... Masamoonay?
Slort: [That's Masamune]
Count Dittof: I'm sorry, I don't speak MILDEW.
Slort: [Go ~censored~ yourself]
Count Dittof: *puts arms around Vorpal and Masamune* I shall take in these orphans and treat them as though somebody actually wanted them.
Vorpal: We're not orphans.
Count Dittof: And all you have to do is do anything I tell you to while I max out the CREDIT CARD THAT YOUR DECEACED MURASAME LEFT BEHIND.
Masamune: What?
Count Dittof: *stops in the middle of leaning towards them with outstretched, claw-like hands and a greedy look on his face* NOthing. Now, what' ssay we go for a little drive?
*they all pile into the creepiest-looking remodeled-hearse they've ever seen, with Dittof at the wheel, and drive towards an active volcano. The Count parks right on the edge, as the car begins to teeter*
Dittof: I'll be right back, my charges. I need to get some gas. Kindly lend me your CREDIT CARD.
Masamune: O_O
Dittof: So I can buy you two sodas. (smiles)
Vorpal: Ah, well. *grabs Masa's card from his coat and gives it to Dittof* Make mine a Cherry.
Dittof: You got it. *slams car, locks doors, puts padlock on door, and kicks back plate so it tilts towards the lava, and runs off down the volcano, cackling like a deranged madman*
Vorpal: You know, in retrospect, he kind of reminded me of Dark Ditto.
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes[edit]
Luigi: This is where we go our separate ways, my friends. ~jumps off of Lynel's back~ Find that murderer at all costs. Make him suffer for his crimes.
Straw Man: I would, but I don't take orders from the likes of you.
Lynel: Just do it.
Straw Man: No.
Luigi: Have you ever heard what ligers do when someone makes them mad? They tear the person's arms off.
~Lynel puts his hands behind his head, for effect.~
Straw Man: ~cough~ I suggest a new strategy. Only not.
Luigi: Fine. Don't find the murderer.
Straw Man: On our way!
~Straw Man and Lynel run into Tortilla the Hun's studio. SteveT smashes his head against the wall for a moment, then follows them. Luigi turns and walks into Don Cornmuffin's office, which is conveniently across the street.
~Inside, Don Cornmuffin and Roy are locked in a battle of Checkers. Two guards move to bar Luigi, but he slips between them and throws them into the wall.~
Luigi: I see you have a new associate, Don Cornmuffin. Or should I call you... the Codfather?
Don Cornmuffin: Master Luigi. Hello. I see you survived.
Luigi: Are you surprised?
Don Cornmuffin: Hardly.
~Don Cornmuffin whirls around and throws Roy into Luigi, sending them both into the wall. Luigi collapses. Don Cornmuffin stands and laughs.~
Don Cornmuffin: You don't know how long I've waited to do that.
Roy: About three seconds after he came in.
Don Cornmuffin: Yeah, well...
~Luigi stands back up, grabs Roy, and throws him at Don Cornmuffin, sending them tumbling.~
Luigi: Your syndicate is at an end, and not short enough it was.
~Don Cornmuffin throws Roy again, but Luigi catches him and throws him back. They toss Roy back and forth a bit.~
Luigi: This is getting us nowhere.
Don Cornmuffin: What do you propose?
Luigi: A battle of wits.
Don Cornmuffin: ~drops Roy~ I accept!
~Don Cornmuffin and Luigi sit down at the checkers table.~
Luigi: Good. Pour some wine.
~Don Cornmuffin pours wine into two glasses. Luigi grabs them, pulls out a vial labeled "THE POISON", hides the glasses and the poison, and after a bit sets them on the table.~
Luigi: The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide, and we drink. Then we shall see who is the winner... and who is dead.
Don Cornmuffin: Well it's obvious, really. All I have to do is determine from you-- are you the sort of man who would put the poison in his enemy's glass or his own? Now, only a great fool would take what is given him. I am not a great fool, so clearly I cannot take the wine in front of me. However, you know that I am not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so clearly I cannot take the wine in front of me.
Luigi: You've made your decision then?
Don Cornmuffin: Not remotely. You're from Canada, yes? And Canada is a country founded largely by the French. And the French are used to not having people trust them as you are not trusted by me so clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of me.
Luigi: Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Don Cornmuffin: Wait until I get started. Where was I?
Luigi: Canada.
Don Cornmuffin: Yes, of course. And you would have guessed that I knew your origin, so clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of you.
Luigi: You're just stalling.
Don Cornmuffin: YOU'D LIKE TO THINK THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?! You're a Jedi, which means you must be exceptionally strong. So you could have put the poison in your own glass counting on your strength to save you. However, being a Jedi you must have also studied, and in studying you would have learned that man is mortal and therefore put the poison as far away from yourself as possible.
Luigi: You're trying to trick me into giving something away. It won't work.
Don Cornmuffin: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Luigi: Then make your choice.
Don Cornmuffin: I will! And I choose... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?! ~points behind Luigi~
Luigi: What? ~looks~
~Don Cornmuffin switches the two glasses around.~
Luigi: I don't see anything.
Don Cornmuffin: I could've swore... ~giggle~
Luigi: What's so funny?
Don Cornmuffin: I'll tell you later. First, we drink. You from your glass, me from mine.
~Don Cornmuffin and Luigi lift the glasses slowly to their mouths. They drink.~
Luigi: You chose wrong.
Don Cornmuffin: You only think I chose wrong, that's what's so funny! I switched glasses while you weren't looking! You fell for one of the classic blunders! The most well known is to never start a land war in Asia... but only SLIGHTLY less known is to never go up against a DON when DEATH is on the line! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--
~Don Cornmuffin falls facefirst onto the table.~
Roy: And to think, all this time it was your glass that was poisoned.
Luigi: They were both poisoned. Just the poison was molecularly rearranged to be fatal to him and not me.
~Don Cornmuffin lifts his head back up.~
Don Cornmuffin: Ooookay! What were we talking about?
Luigi: Aw crap.
~Luigi throws a chair at Don Cornmuffin, runs for the door, and is piledrived by one of the guards. The guard picks Luigi up and throws him out the window. The other guard runs out the door to continue the pummeling, but Luigi is gone.~
Don Cornmuffin: Do you see the body?
Guard: No.
Roy: Then he is not dead.
Don Cornmuffin: Double your search. And have Commander Cod-y prepare my limo. It's time to get the Hell out of Dodge.
Roy: This is Rocketsville III.
Don Cornmuffin: I know that. Shut up.
Author: Masamune[edit]
~Steve enters Tortilla the Hun's studio~
Security Guard: *attacks him, but falls over*
Steve: Crazy fool. *helps him up* You okay?
Guard: I knew you'd come, but my strength has left me.
Steve: Who are you?
Guard: The last of three brothers who swore an oath to find the spiciest burrito and to guard it.
Steve: That subplot has not even been hinted at yet.
Guard: A long time to wait. Hm. *rubs Steve's armor* You're strangely dressed...for a new security guard...
Steve: I'm not exactly...a guard. What do you mean?
Guard: I was chosen because I was the youngest and the most avid coffee drinker. And I drew the short straw. The burden was mine until another came to challenge me to single combat. I pass it to you who vanquished me. *holds out his flashlight*
Steve: Err, listen. Listen, I don't have time to explain, but-
~Straw Man and Lynel burst in~
Straw Man: Where is the door to Tortilla's trailer! Which is it!?
Guard: You must choose... But choose wisely. For as the True Door will bring you life- the False Door will take it from you.
Straw Man: Meh, I'm not a butler. I have no idea what doors are supposed to look like. Which one is it?
Lynel: Let me choose.
Straw Man: No. By which I mean yes.
~Lynel grins and points to a door that says 'Tortilla's Trailer'~
Straw Man: Oh, yes. Like I'm stupid. *goes to a door that says 'Piranha Tank'* The Murderer at last!
~He rushes in, falls in the piranha tank and is ripped to shreds~
Guard: He chose...poorly.
Steve: Holy crap.
Lynel: It would not contain killer fishes. People don't like that.
Steve: *points to the door with the star, the one Lynel picked first* That's the door of a star chef.
Lynel: You sure?
Steve: There's only one way to find out.
~He opens the door~
Guard: You have chosen wisely. But the Door cannot be opened more than once. That's why Tortilla installed a back door.
Straw Man: *crawls back looking a little torn up* We shall apprehend him at last~!
Steve: I did kill him, you know. I just want to try one of his burritos.
Straw Man: Nonsense, he makes italian food.
~Meanwhile!!~
Masamune: Let me guess. We're about to fall over a chasm into a huge volcano.
Vorpal: Yup.
Masamune: Boiling lava at the bottom?
Vorpal: Most likely.
Masamune: Bring it on.
~the car starts falling~
Slort: [Boooooooooya-haha!]
Vorpal: There's a Goombeli word for 'booya'?
~the car suddenly stops. They look up to see Luigi holding up his hand, standing on a ledge~
Luigi: When will these people ever learn to fly.
Author: Fred_of_the_Bed[edit]
(Meanwhile, back at the ranch)
Golem: No, Fred! You'd kill us younglings? Erm, pardner?
Fred: You're almost all older than I am. And you have never put out a remix of the campbells soup song. Prepare... for erasing.
LIR: I beat you back in the first GMOG.
Fred: Yes, but now I have you by suprise.
Yami: Makes sense. Yeah, don't do it, otherwise I have to hire a new stunt double.
Fred: My feelings... rushing over me. I'm over it. But - something. Pulling - me - back. Making- me - talk... like - William - Shatner!
Lupus: Masamune told you in GMOG3 to listen to your heart, Fred. So do it.
Fred: It says pump blood and perhaps stop eating fatty foods. Oh, now it says burn the children, all of them. And NOW it says "If children are not present, fight the enemies of Lupus". Wait, is that and the stethscope/tape recorder combination device you've attached got anything to do with this?
Lupus: Total coincidence. Now, Begin! Batman.
(Fred swings his hammer with his right hand and pulls his shoe off with his other hand (he only has one shoe currently) and ignites it's shoelaces, twirling them around without any good reason to. The lightshoelaces nearly bean Lupus)
Lupus: If you're going to hit me, aim for he throat. I'm insured there.
(Fred menacingly beats the living shit out of everyone although MJ alone or LIR or hell, even YY could have Fred beaten alone let alone together. And Kuria, can't forget Kuria. But Fred managed to do it, since he only really needed to hit them once.)
Lupus: Okay great.
Fred: Wait, you're a sith!
Lupus: Nope.
Fred: Okay, I guess not then.
(MODEwhile)
Vorpal: Wowee! This sure is an adventure!
Masamune: The narrator was right about you.
Slort: [yowch. However, I do fear we are tumbling towards lava, which if not lava is going to be water which will make safe escape from this car rather difficult.]
Vorpal: Quick, Masa, you invent something as I yell things out without necessity!
Masamune: I'm a sword. I can survive this. Probably. Wait, this isn't any normal car!
Car: Damn right I'm not. The only way we can save the universe is going BACK TO THE FUTURE! (Car turns on rocket wheels)
Masamune: We already did that, do you not read these things?
Car: Then we'll go forward to the future.
Vorpal: Great, now we're going out of the context of the parody!
Masamune: Very well, but we'll go into a new one! GO GO GADGET TIME TRAVEL!
Car: Call me Car... 3000. It's letters and numbahs. Alright mah fleshy bretheren, blast off in 3... 2... 1... (Car hits lava, due to it's sheer weight)
Car 3000: Can anyone reach the spare?
Vorpal: Slort, I'm worried about uncle Masa. You'd better follow him while I use my computerised book. Wait, why do I get all the lame parts? Also, I'm still sinking into lava.
Car 3000: I'm working on it, and GO
(The Car goes into the future, bringing the lava along with it. It is in space)
Car 3000: Aw, hellz naw. We went too far! Ten minutes too far! I'm goin' back to the future now, literally.
Masa: If I could breathe I would tell you how much I hate sentient robots for being fallible.
(In the year something or ever. well, 2000's a way off so- wait, it's past 2000. Shiite. Um, 2010. That time will NEVER come around.)
Masa: I'm on the case!
(The sky turns black (through plastic surgery) and electrical storms brew)
Vorpal: No... it can't be... it's five years after the day after the day before the months weekly after the day after tommorow.
Slort: [let me know when you figure that one out.]
(MOLEwhile)
Luigi: Whoops, forgot to save them. The car was too heavy anyways.
Kermit the frog: Too heavy, you say? Heaviness is not affecting the ability to of use of force being done, mmm?
Luigi: Yes it is.
Kermit: Oh... Guess so I do.
Author: Masamune[edit]
~Inside Tortilla's the Hun's trailer~
Straw Man: You're under arrest, Tortilla the Hun for the muder of Luigi_64.
Tortilla: Are you threatening me, Senor Scarecrow?
Straw Man: The courts will decide your fate.
Tortilla: *growls* I am the courts!
Straw Man: No you're not.
Tortilla: You got me there. So I'm a fugitive then.
~Tortilla grabs a giant wet noodle from a cooking vat~
Straw Man: See! He is italian!
Steve: *slaps forehead*
~Straw Man grabs a wet noodle and the two proceed to slap eachother around a few times~
Straw Man: You are under arrest, Iron Chef!
Tortilla: I knew it would come to this! I was right, the OGers are taking over!
Straw Man: You underskilled maker of food. The oppression of the Mexican Food will never return. Your plot to regain control of the fast food market is over. You have lost!
Tortilla: No.... NO! NOO!!! You will fry! *throws Straw Man into a frying vat*
Straw Man: Hm.
Tortilla: *is getting dizzy from the heat* He is a nutcase, Steve.
Straw Man: He's a murderer! He killed Luigi 64!
Steve: Actually I did.
Tortilla: I am your pathway to truth, iron man. I have the power to reveal you as the real killer. You must choose. You must stop him.
Straw Man: Don't listen to him!
Tortilla: Help me! Don't let him kill me. I can't hold on any longer. ~gets a headache~ Now my whole day is ruined.
Steve: I hate when that happens.
Tortilla: I can't ... I give up. Help me. I am weak ... I am too weak. Don't arrest me. I give up. I can't hold on any longer.
Straw Man: You food preparation disease. I am going to end this once and for all.
Steve: You, er, can't kill him, Straw Man. He must stand trial. So he can prove I actually killed Luigi 64.
Straw Man: He has too much control of the Press. He is too dangerous to be kept alive!
Tortilla: I'm too weak. Don't kill me. Please.
Steve: That is a compelling argument, but I must insist that he live.
Straw Man: Long live the king! *swings wet noodle at Tortilla*
Steve: Okay, now that's a little over the top. *rips Straw Man's hand off*
Straw Man: That took a week to sew on!
Tortilla: Flavor! Unlimited flavor! *kicks Straw Man out the window*
Steve: I so better get credit for that.
Tortilla: You are fulfilling your destin, Steve. Become my apprentice. Learn to cook the secrets arts of the Huns.
Steve: That works.
Tortilla: Good. Good. The aroma is strong with you. A great chef you will become. Henceforth, you shall be known as Iron... Chef.
Steve: Horrible pun, but okay. What now?
Tortilla: We must move quickly. The OGers are relentless; if they are not all destroyed, it will be a gang war without end. First, I want you to go to Don Cornmuffin's mansion. We will catch them off balance. Do what must be done, Iron Chef. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy.
Steve: This sounds like a good job for me. Is the pay good?
Tortilla: No.
Steve: Oh well, if I kill you later and take over, no hard feelings?
Tortilla: Sure.
~Outside~
Lynel: Steve!
Steve: Hey, we got enlisted as villains.
Lynel: But... *points behind the trailer* Straw Man...
Straw Man: That wasn't very nice.
Steve: Yeah, I intended to be remorseful about it, but then remembered I don't have a heart. *hands him his hand back* You might need this.
~ELSEWHERE!!!~
Masamune: Through the miracle of time travel, we are back at-
Count Dittof: INTRUDE!
Vorpal: Oh, um.
~The enter Dittof's mansion again~
Count Dittof: I see you survived, my dear rich orphans.
Vorpal: We're not orphans man.
Count Dittof: *ignoring him* I see you slipped me the wrong credit card. The bank sliced up this one. *holds up Masa's credit card*
Masamune: Yeah, I kinda maxed it out on the S.S. Swordefeller.
Count Dittof: I want that enormous inheritance Murasame left you.
Vorpal: I actually stole it, didn't inherit. Besides, you won't get a cent until Masamune turns 18-
Masamune: I'm uh, over six hundred years old.
Vorpal: er- thousand years old.
Count Dittof: Hrm. *frowns* In that case, I'll just have to kill you both.
Slort: [I'm still here]
Count Dittof: And the fungus.
Slort: [Bite me]
Author: Ditto McCloaker[edit]
Count Dittof: Masamune, you're six hundred years old. You should be old enough to know you can't have everything you want. But what about what I want? I want that excellent credit card Murasame left behind.
Masamune: *throws Vorpal in front of him* Human shield!
Vorpal: *throws Masamune in front of him* Human shield!
Masamune: *throws Vorpal in front of him* Human shield!
Dittof: *is backed up against wall* Shocked I can't breathe.
Masamune: Run for the car!
- they jump in the car, set the time dial, and zip into the future*
Masamune: Whew, safe. Man, time travel can mess up a car. I think a clock cuckoo pooped on my hood.
Vorpal: There's a futuristic car wash.
~they drive to Sinister Car Wash~
Masamune: Clean the outside, please. *hands credit card to the attendant*
Attendant: Yessir. Just drive through. Hm. Time car. Haven't seen one of those in fifty years...
*as they drive into the scrub tunnel, the attendant turns around to reveal a very old Dark Ditto*
Vorpal: Aaah. A nice, pleasant car wash. We drive in, and when we emerge from the tunnel, everything is much better.
~they drive into the tunnel, through the scrub-brushes, and when they emerge, the world is much darker, with thundering clouds, red skies, destroyed cityscape, and gigantic tanks driving around everywhere~
Vorpal: Wow, it got evil all of a sudden.
Masamune: What happened?! Holy crap. *points up at a tall fortress with a poster with Dark Ditto on the front, in a dictator's costume, with the caption "Uncle Ditto Wants EVERYTHING YOU HAVE"*
Vorpal: What happened?!
Dittof: *drives up in tank and appears surrounded by fire and smoke* Fifty years ago, I was approached by a strange old man who gave me a credit card. I was told to expect a visit from a ditzy teenage goth or a crazy old pirate.
Slort: [Or a wise-cracking goomba?]
Dittof: Or a gibbering fungus.
Slort: [Yo' momma]
Dittof: So I figured I'd need to defend myself. So I MAXED IT OUT and bought A ARMY! Now I RULE DITTOVILLE!
*takes out pistol*
Dittof: Of course, I know now who it was. It was me. I got your credit card, went back in time, and gave it to my younger self. And now, I get to kill you. How ironic.
*lowers tank barrel at them*
Dittof: ...Two swords with the same gun.
Masamune: *swerves car around* Let's see if that Bradley Fighting Vehicle can do 90. *roars away*
Dittof: *rumbles after them, firing and laughing maniacally* Hey, come back! I've got an interview with the History Channel in two hours! I'm gonna be on "Dictator Week!"
Author: SteveT[edit]
Masamune: This isn't working *slams on brakes and the car spins sideways*
Vorpal: What are you doing?
Masamune: Trust me, I have a plan
Vorpal: Great Scott!
Masamune: Thanks
Dittof: *stops his car and steps out* So you've accepted your fate
Masamune: Not so fast!
Dittof: What now?
Masamune: I don't believe your story!
Dittof: Well, perhaps my gun tells it better...
Masamune: I will ask you a question that only a time traveler would know. If you answer it, you may kill me peacefully.
Dittof: I prefer violently.
Masamune: Deal.
Dittof: Ask, then.
Masamune: *thinks* Does Charlie Brown ever get to kick the football?
Author: Masamune[edit]
Dittof: Simple. Never.
Masamune: WRONG! In the 2076, June 18th comic, the cloned disembodied head of Charles Schulz got a little tipsy and drew a fluke comic where Charlie kicked the football.
Dittof: I couldn't have possibly known that! I am undone!
Masamune: Yes. *stabs him*
Dittof: I die. *falls over*
Vorpal: Way to go, you killed an alternate future him. In the present, er, past he is still alive! And now rich!
Masamune: Well, let's crank this baby into the PAST!
~The PRESENT!~
~Several people sit around a table~
Don Cornmuffin: Lupus, my friend. It is good to see you here among the Great Families.
Lupus: Yeah.
Don Cornmuffin: Tortilla the Hun, still playing the chef are we?
Tortilla: Yes, and a new apprentice I have.
Don Cornmuffin: Wonderful. And a new entry, the man who has been destroying Boston for fun and profit and has recently become extremely rich. A one Count Dittof.
Dittof: Please. *taps a box on the table and shifts forrms so he looks like an older Golem* Call me Dark Ditto.
Don Cornmuffin: As you wish. *puffs on cigar* I was approached by the Carrotcake King. It seems the OGers are causing trouble. Now they've moved to Boston. They'll destroy our wonderful utopia of crime. My codtroopers have mentally enslaved a few, but some of them remain...
Tortilla: I've sent Steve to eliminate the OGers.
Dark Ditto: Masamune and Vorpal are dealt with. *evil smile*
Lupus: Fred is probably... dealing with uh... some OGers... I guess.
Don Cornmuffin: Only one rogue agent remains, Luigi of the Pipes.
Tortilla: Ha, a hobo is no threat to us.
Don Cornmuffin: I agree, but perhaps we should take a little insurance on this matter. You think?
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