GCPA Sidequests Part 7

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

The Newport/Hoboken Chronicles Part 2

by That Krazy Dude on December 28, 2005

*At Newport...*

*Stampede, Krazy Dude, Shiny Stallone, No Name, his brother Some Name, Karl (the angry black man who's trying to get outta the hood), Edwin, Salama, and Patten McGroin assemble in the food court at a random table.*

Shiny: *drinks Coca Cola from Popeyes* Man, this is good!

*Krazy walks up to the table with a drink from Panda Express. Both Shiny's drink and Krazy's drink are medium yet Krazy's drink is much larger than Shiny's.*

Shiny: Yo, what the hell? Why's your drink so much bigger than mine?

Krazy: Because the panda owns the chicken no matter what! *cheesy thumbs up*

*In the background you see the giant chicken from Family Guy get its ass kicked by a panda. The two of them near the edge and "finish him" is heard. The panda uppercuts the chicken who flies off the third floor of Newport and drops down onto the unnecessarily large, spiky object shop and dies.*

Stampede: Hey, weren't Cap'n and Que Pasa supposed to be here?

Krazy: They're busy with a mission so we're gonna have to go to our secondary homes after we're done here.

*Somewhere far away...*

Cap'n: Watch out, Que Pasa! *throws fireball at flesh-eating zombie penguins*

Mr. T: I pity the penguin who dare to eat T's flesh!

Que Pasa: Hey, did anyone see American Dad yesterday?

*Back at Newport...*

No Name: I'm sure they're fine!

Salama: Hey Krazy, you told me Liz was gonna be here too!

*Elsewhere Liz is at a party with the other people in her "group" while they "work on a project".*

Patten: She'll be here sooner or later.

*The crew wanders around the mall aimlessly while several of them complain about not doing anything. Stampede devours a Mcdonald's burger while Some Name steals Salama's seat while Salama's waiting at Mcdonald's even though he was further up on the line than Stampede who already has his food. Patten gets bored and calls Liz to see when she's going to Newport*

Patten *on phone*: Yo Liz, where are you?

Liz *bassline is heard in background and shouts of drunken nerds are heard*: Oh, um...I'm on the bus?

Patten: .....Okay, I'll see you in a bit then.

*Liz finally manages to meet up with the crew*

No Name: Finally now can we head to Hoboken before my ticket expires! I only have until 4:53. *looks at watch. the time is 4:53* NOOOO!!! *gets tackled by literail security*

Some Name: Wait, he's not even on the literail!

Karl: Now you know what it's like to not escape the hood!

Literail Security Officer: That black man hasn't escaped the hood! Get him! *tackles Karl*

Stampede: Wow, that's really fucked up!

*Later on, the crew heads to Hoboken.*

*While in Hoboken...*

*The crew wanders around the streets of Hoboken thinking that they're going to get some food*

Edwin: Yo, where's Karl?

Krazy: He's probably finishing the job that I started on your mo.m

Liz: Hey, who's that?

*A not so angry black man who has escaped from the hood runs up to the crew. He looks very much like Karl except he's wearing a hat that says "JR" and a cape with a cheeseburger on it. And for some reason this man was wearing a black sweatshirt that says "BROWN" in white letters.*

Edwin: Who are you?

Johnny Rocket: I am Johnny Rocket, the hero who battles injustice with delicious sandwiches and cheeseburgers. So you are all hungry I see. How about some Johnny Rocket's burgers?

No Name: Hey look it's a Subway!

Stampede: Let's eat fresh!

*Jared runs in.*

Jared: Your mom eats fresh!!

Krazy: Oh SHIT!!!

Johnny Rocket: ....Oh....*runs off*

*The sound of changing clothes is heard in between angry swearing and Karl runs up to the crew.*

Karl: Hey guys, what did I miss?

Salama: You missed Johnny Rocket!!!

Karl: Oh cool. Oh hey look, a Subway!

Salama: Oooh, let's go there!

Shiny: Salama, are you hungry again?

Salama: Hey, my dad told me not to eat the food court but he never said anything about eating the subway!

Shiny: You fat fuck.

*Several sandwiches, bags of chips, and sodas later, the crew heads to Barnes & Noble.*

*Salama reads a book of strange facts about sperm and other weird things. Karl and Krazy Dude wander over to the cultural books section. Karl finds a book about black penises and their sizes which is described by some dude who wrote a book about vaginas as disgusting yet intriguing. As he reads the book he looks over to see Dr. Nina talking to Edwin, Stampede, Shiny, and No Name a few feet away from him. Karl hastily puts the book away and walks off awkwardly as Krazy follows*

Karl: You didn't see anything. We were there looking at the book about American women and no one will ever know other than you, me, and whoever is reading this post right now.

Krazy *speaking loudly*: DON'T WORRY KARL, I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU WERE LOOKING AT A BOOK ABOUT BLACK PENISES!!!

Karl: ....God dammit Krazy Dude!

*The crew tires of Hoboken and decides to part ways at the literail station. They head over to the station.*

Shiny: Hey, look at this crappy thing on the lamp post. *kicks the cover at the bottom of the lamp post and it falls off with a loud bang* Oh shit!!! *everyone runs away*

*The crew reaches Hoboken Terminal.*

*Liz knees No Name in the ass*

No name: Ow, my ass! You just drove your knee into my ass. Not even on the butt cheek, but right in the center!

Liz: I love doing that!

*The crew finally gets their tickets and no one notices Karl get on the west side lite rail to go home. As the lite rail car leaves, it explodes violently with Karl in it.*

*The crew parts ways and go onto separate lite rail cars. Patten, Stampede, Liz, and Edwin go onto one and No Name, Some Name, Krazy Dude, Salama, and Shiny get onto another. The first lite rail car with Liz, Patten, Edwin, and Stampede on it takes off but tde-rails and slams into a wall tragically just after it went out of sight*

Some Name: So wassup, guys?

Shiny: Oh shit, I forgot to validate my lite rail ticket! *runs off the lite rail*

No Name: *sticks his head out the doorway* NO SHINY, DON'T BE A HERO!!!

*Shiny avoids nuclear missiles and land mines and finally reaches the ticket validater. He rushes back, avoiding more explosives, and steps onto the lite rail*

*The lite rail pulls into Newport and No Name, Some Name, and Krazy Dude get off. They head into Newport as the lite rail gets hit by a plane.*

*Krazy Dude, Some Name, and No Name walk through Newport. No Name and Some Name part ways with Krazy Dude as Krazy heads to EB Games while No Name and Some Name head for the Mcdonald's where they'll get picked up by their parents and head home. As Krazy walks to the EB Games, he is hit by a flaming lite rail car that plows through the wall and collides into him.*

*No Name and Some Name head home and they go to sleep. But they hear a strange noise and both wake up to see several lite rail cars in their room. The house explodes violently, thus ending the second part of the Newport/Hoboken Chronicles*

Pirates Vs. Ninjas II

by Scruffy, Que Pasa and That Krazy Dude on January 27, 2006

*One day Scruffy, Krazy Dude and Que Pasa wake up and find the rest of the crew... is gone!*

Mr. Scruffy: =O

That Krazy Dude: Where is everyone!?

Mr. Scruffy: (runs around scared) (trips) (explodes)

That Krazy Dude: Where's Lupine? Who's gonna make my crappy breakfast!

Mr. Scruffy: Where's Stampede?

That Krazy Dude: He's never on anymore!

First Mate Que Pasa: Don't worry, I'm substitute chef. (eats a bran muffin and regurgitates it for the others to eat)

Mr. Scruffy: Now nobody to say I suck then sucker punch me!

That Krazy Dude: Hasn't been on for over a week. *pokes food with fork*

First Mate Que Pasa: We don't need them! We can make it on our own!

Mr. Scruffy: (food goes through table) Um, you sure this is edible?

That Krazy Dude: *food springs at him as he dodges out the way, and it flies off the deck and into the ocean*

Mr. Scruffy: (fish rise dead to the surface) So, we just wiped another species out.

That Krazy Dude: Yay! So what do we do now that everyone's like...gone and stuff?

Mr. Scruffy: I guess search for them.

That Krazy Dude: ...Do we have to?

First Mate Que Pasa: Now we're just a Golden Cheesecake Pirate Company, but we can still make it good- come on, let's do some pillaging!

Mr. Scruffy: We can be like detectives. (they go into town and get caught by navy)

That Krazy Dude: We can take em, it's only 3 to 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.

Mr. Scruffy: (imitation voice) Now we're just a Golden Cheesecake Pirate Company, but we can still make it good- come on, let's do some pillaging!

First Mate Que Pasa: Your mom's an imitation voice.

That Krazy Dude: Your mom's an imitation.

Mr. Scruffy: Both your moms are imitations of eachother's moms' voices and what suckas?

That Krazy Dude: And you're an imitation of an imitation of penis!

Mr. Scruffy: That's not what your mom said last night in bed OHHHH!!!

First Mate Que Pasa: (sneaks into one of the navy bunkers. First goes into the bathroom and smashes a guy's head into the mirror while he's taking a tinkle. But Lieutenant Baby-Eater sprays him with fear gas, sets him on fire and shoves him out a window) That didn't go well.

Mr. Scruffy: Ouch.

That Krazy Dude: Ow.

First Mate Que Pasa: *Officers beat him while he's on the ground on fire.* Help?

That Krazy Dude: *stares for five minutes* ......... WE HAVE TO HELP HIM!!!!!

(Nemo is in a train car and he is left as the train falls through numerous parking lots, concrete, and pillars, then crashes into some cars and explodes.)

That Krazy Dude: *runs to help him but trips and falls off a randomly placed cliff*

Mr. Scruffy: You think he is alive?

First Mate Que Pasa: NAVAL BRUTALITY!

That Krazy Dude: *Nemo's head rolls to Scruffy's feet* Guess not.

Mr. Scruffy: That answered my question pretty clearly.

That Krazy Dude: Indeed.

(Halo respawn counter reaches zero and Nemo respawns on top of fire and falls in)

*Lieutenant Baby-Eater leaps down and swings around a long lead pipe and attacks the pirates with it.*

Mr. Scruffy: Ouch man, that hurt!

That Krazy Dude: *throws water from bucket at the pipe causing it to rust*

Mr. Scruffy: (takes pipe) (smacks him with it) How do you like I you?

Baby-Eater: (cries and runs off, then explodes)

That Krazy Dude: Sweet!

Mr. Scruffy: Who else wants a peace of pipey?

(The navy runs away and explodes violently in a giant chain reaction.)

Mr. Scruffy: That worked out pretty well.

That Krazy Dude: Yeah, actually it did.

First Mate Que Pasa: We're better off without those losers!

That Krazy Dude: Yeah! We can handle things ourselves!

Mr. Scruffy: Yeah, I know! (holding gold) Our first successful pillage in months!

That Krazy Dude: Amazing.

Mr. Scruffy: Who needs those losers? We're good on our own!

That Krazy Dude: Yeah.....

Mr. Scruffy: We still need at least one chick though.

First Mate Que Pasa: Where are we gonna find one of those?

That Krazy Dude: True.

Mr. Scruffy: I dunno, Walgreen's may have a sale on them!

That Krazy Dude: (checks sign) "Chicks aisle 5".

Mr. Scruffy: Excellent! Well guys, choose. I'll buy.

That Krazy Dude: *looks around at the women*

First Mate Que Pasa: Hm... an okay selection...

That Krazy Dude: Indeed.

Mr. Scruffy: Choose already, and no Asian chicks!

That Krazy Dude: Awww, someone else choose for me!

First Mate Que Pasa: I choose... (checks tag) Vagineta. She's a mix of every race except Asia and she can lift mountains with her eyelids.

Mr. Scruffy: How much?

That Krazy Dude: Says: $50,000 and your virginity.

Mr. Scruffy: Um, too expensive!

That Krazy Dude: Damn! =(

First Mate Que Pasa: Don't worry, it's on me.

That Krazy Dude: Sweet! Wait...

Mr. Scruffy: If you insist!

First Mate Que Pasa: I'll use the money and virginity from my Swiss bank account

That Krazy Dude: We're pirates! Aren't we supposed to like...rob the place or something?

Mr. Scruffy: You're right.

First Mate Que Pasa: Yeah, why do we keep forgetting that?

Mr. Scruffy: I always forget that concept. Let's do it!!!!!!

That Krazy Dude: Yeah!

(Minutes later, they are on the line for the cashier)

First Mate Que Pasa: *snatches Vagineta and uses her as a bat to smash open the window, then they all jump out.*

Mr. Scruffy: We were on the cashier line and you lost your virginity. Was that really necessary?

First Mate Que Pasa: If you insist!

That Krazy Dude: Your mom insists.

Mr. Scruffy: (they walk back inside and go back on the line) What the fuck? We were already outside.

That Krazy Dude: Huh?

First Mate Que Pasa: So... we test Vagineta's powers in the alleyway!

That Krazy Dude: And her powers would be...

First Mate Que Pasa: She can lift mountains with her eyelids.

That Krazy Dude: Oh yeah!

*They watch Vagineta lift up dumpsters, but then out of one of them falls... Wally!*

That Krazy Dude: Wally, it's you!!!

First Mate Que Pasa: That stalker might have some idea where Lupine is... but why would we even want to know?

That Krazy Dude: Listen for the sounds of the owl. *hear owl orgasms*

Mr. Scruffy: Oh yeah!

That Krazy Dude: That way!!!

Mr. Scruffy: (runs in the lead)

That Krazy Dude: *runs not in the lead*

First Mate Que Pasa: *runs in the opposite direction and gets hit by a truck*

That Krazy Dude: Sweet.

*Vagineta tries to make her elbows touch behind her back*

Mr. Scruffy: Silly Vagineta, trix are for kids!

*Soon, following the call of the owl, the pirates see a dark fortress ahead.*

Mr. Scruffy: Brings back memories.

That Krazy Dude: Yes it does.

First Mate Que Pasa: *blasts the doors open with cannon nose. Immediately they are attacked by ninjas.*

Mr. Scruffy: Damn you ninjas!

That Krazy Dude: *dodges ninja attack and smacks him with end of mop*

Ninja: They have no hats, which one's the leader?

That Krazy Dude: Why is your penis small!

First Mate Que Pasa: *loads a rocket into his nose and fires it into a crowd of ninjas.*

Mr. Scruffy: (turns concrete ninjas are standing on into lava)

That Krazy Dude: *throws pine sol on the floor and ninjas start to slip around and stuff*

*Two previously unseen ninjas drop down from the ceiling, grab Nemo and disappear with him.*

Mr. Scruffy: (throws fireball on one of them, who runs to crowd then explodes) Oh boy, they are gonna have a ball!

First Mate Que Pasa: *slaps Scruffy* Get ahold of yourself, captain!

That Krazy Dude: *cheesy laughs* Time to...clean up!!! *starts assaulting them with mop*

Mr. Scruffy: Ouch! I'm actually sane.

First Mate Que Pasa: *eating a ninja's leg* We all are

Mr. Scruffy: (picks Que Pasa up, lights him on fire, and throws him to a pile of ninjas playing goldfish)

First Mate Que Pasa: That was the last Goldfish they ever caught.

Mr. Scruffy: You're still on fire.

*The cards light on fire and fall towards the other ninjas, setting them on fire, who run into more and more ninjas, setting them all on fire.*

First Mate Que Pasa: I'm always on fire in a way.

Mr. Scruffy: Shouldn't you flop, jump, and punch around?

*With that taken care of, they advance further up the tower and find the rest of the crew imprisoned.*

That Krazy Dude: Wow.

Lupine: (pulls owl out of his pants) I knew you guys would hear our call!

First Mate Que Pasa: What happened?

Mr. Scruffy: Oh boy!

That Krazy Dude: So you were captured by ninjas huh? It's like pirates vs. ninjas!

Mr. Scruffy: The sequel.

That Krazy Dude: Yeah!

Stampede: You three were the only ones who forgot to wear hats on Big Hat Day, so they thought we were the captains.

Mr. Scruffy: It was Big Hat Day? Damn, I missed it again this year!

Mr. T: The ninjas want us dead foo!

Mr. Scruffy: (deep voice) Viewer discretion advised. Oh, why would they want to do that?

Vagineta: For revenge!

That Krazy Dude: Awesome.

First Mate Que Pasa: Vagineta?

Vagineta: That's Queen Vagineta of the ninjas! You fell into my trap!

Mr. Scruffy: We should have seen that coming from a mile.

*The three pirates all run towards Vagineta, but she swats them back with her eyelids and shoots shuriken out of her ears.*

Mr. Scruffy: Ouch, they can cut?

That Krazy Dude: Ouch!

Mr. Scruffy: Not cool! (throws it into her eye) (she screams in pain) See, they hurt!

First Mate Que Pasa: Quick I have an idea!

Mr. Scruffy: What is it?

That Krazy Dude: Huh?

*That Krazy Dude uses his mop to throw the shurikens back into Vagineta's ears, and as she is distracted by this Scruffy fires a fireball and Que Pasa fire a rocket so they hit each other right in front of Vagineta. Vagineta is completely destroyed.*

Mr. Scruffy: Splash damage, hilarious!

First Mate Que Pasa: Thank you Mattbeard.

*Mattbeard is seen in the sky giving a thumbs up and laughing.*

First Mate Que Pasa: *frees the pirates by burning through their cell bars with his vomit*

Mr. Scruffy: (gives thumbs up back with cheesy smile)

*All the GCPA reunite and go into a musical number on the importance of teamwork and dental hygiene.*

That Krazy Dude: *stares at musical number in awe*

Pokemon Narrator: and so our friends have learned yet another important value of friendship, what challenges lie ahead for them, is yet to be seen...

Disembodied voice that is attempting to sound cool but is actually not: Gotta catch em all! Pokemon!!!

Pokemon Narrator: And that ends the story of how the pirates defeated the non-Asian ninja queen.

That Krazy Dude: Sweet!

Morgan Freeman: What about me?

That Krazy Dude: ........

Pokemon Narrator: You're fired. Didn't you get the memo?

That Krazy Dude: ......... *stares back and forth between Morgan Freeman and the Pokemon Narrator*

Mr. Scruffy: Actually, you're fired, I own this crew and the story and I decide that the black man stays.

That Krazy Dude: Yeah....

Morgan Freeman: Didn't you get the memo?

That Krazy Dude: Your mom did!

Setsubun: Death from Behind

by Que Pasa circa February 4, 2006

*Que Pasa runs back to the other side of the class, chased by a flurry of beans.*

Que Pasa: This isn't a battlefield, it's a slaughtering ground! Retreat, retreat!

*No Name and Stampede turn and start to run as Que Pasa approaches them, and the three take cover behind the barricade until the sound of beans colliding against the overturned desks ceases.*

No Name: Good, they're out of ammo.

Rafael: What happened out there, guys?

Stampede: I don't know. It looked like it would be a routine recon run, but we were wrong. The other team was waiting in ambush.

Que Pasa: They got us from behind with proper lubrication. (scoops some beans off the floor) ...I'm going back.

Rafael: Don't be mad, they'll bean you good!

Que Pasa: They've stopped their bombardments. They must be busy scouring for ammo.

Rafael: How do you know? (Que Pasa starts to walk away) YOU'RE WALKING INTO ANOTHER TRAP!

Que Pasa: That's a chance I'll have to take.

*No Name blocks his path.*

Que Pasa: No Name...

No Name: Shh, don't talk. Just go.

*Que Pasa runs around to the other side of the classroom, where Mini-Myself and Phil are picking the ground for beans. Mark spots him.*

Mark: Watch out! (is hit with beans)

Que Pasa: Oni wa soto, BITCH! (bombards Mini-Myself and Phil with more beans)

*Que Pasa is about to get Scruffy when Scruffy turns back towards him with a hand full of beans. They stare each other down and slowly back away from each other.*

Stampede: Oh wow, the author writes it so his character wins. Oh well we've won a battle at last.

No Name: Yeah, but what are gonna do for dinner? (holds up beans) Aha! (tosses the beans at a passing cat and then bites into it) Mm, tastes like Chinese chicken!

*That night the opposing camps lose many men into the cold, almost as much as the countless numbers lost in the Bean Wars. The Dreamer makes a lonely walk through the battlefield, sweeping up beans. Scruffy sneaks into the camp of Commander Stampede THE GUZ and approaches him as he sleeps.*

Scruffy: (blasts beans at THE GUZ) I hate you! You took my wife, you stole my crew, you slept with my mother!

*Rafael and Que Pasa tackle Scruffy down and restrain him while No Name tends to THE GUZ's wounds.*

Que Pasa: So Mini-Myself's forces are growing desperate. With you as a hostage we are sure to win.

Stampede: No! Scruffy... join us! Forget your feud! You don't even have a wife!

No Name: Together we can be powerful force. Give in to your feelings!

Scruffy: (scribbles "Arooo?" on the team flag) ...You have my poncho.

*Scruffy returns to Mini-Myself's side of the room, and the next morning runs from their camp victoriously.*

Scruffy: Operation Shamus was a success. They didn't begin to suspect I was betraying them until I tied them up naked and pegged them with beans.

Stampede: Good, you're officially part of the team Scruffy. You know Que Pasa and No Name. And this is Rafael, our military adviser.

Rafael: Bukkake.

Stampede: And Dreamer helps us with our bean supply.

*Dreamer sweeps over some beans as she passes. Rafael scoops the beans up and stores them in Mini-Myself's cap, a spoil of battle.*

Scruffy: Hang on, where's No Name?

*They look across the room to see No Name launching beans towards Mini-Myself but also hitting Edwin, Zandra and Ashlee as they study for a history test.*

No Name: What a thrill!

Que Pasa: You're out of order, No Name! You endangered those civilians!

No Name: I did what needed to be done. When you've been in the battlefield as long as I have you'll know!

Scruffy: (peeks at the other side and sees a tempest of flying beans) ...HIT THE DECK!!!

*Everyone collapses on the floor as Mini-Myself's beans batter their flesh.*

Que Pasa: They're like hail stones of blood!

No Name: My testicular area!

*Rafael leaps in front of Stampede and takes the beans for him.*

Rafael: I did it... for the Guz...

Stampede: You did good, solider. You did good. (closes Rafael's eyes)

No Name: Guys... you should check this out.

*They look across the room and see Mini-Myself holding Dreamer there.*

Dreamer: Dammit!

Mini-Myself: I want a full surrender within the hour or the girl dies! I've named my terms! And don't come close, either! (nods to Mark and Phil, who hold handfuls of beans)

Stampede: This isn't good.

Que Pasa: Hm... we could try to surround him from all sides and attack him before he does anything to Dreamer.

No Name: It wouldn't work. His snipers would pick us and her off before we get there.

Mini-Myself: Time's ticking! Wokka wokka wokka! This is even cooler then the time I was Chris Bato's servant for the week.

[flashback]

Chris: Okay, I'll need you to sit here and download as much anime as you can.

Mini-Myself: As you wish... Master Bato! (breaks out into laughter)

[/flashback]

No Name: Oh man I'm nervous... (farts)

Rafael's Ghost: What we need... is a diversion.

Que Pasa: Where'd you come from?

Rafael's Ghost: My ghost lives in the form of methane gas.

Nemo: Hey guys!

Rafael's Ghost: You are neither funny nor cool.

Stampede: Hey, he'd make the perfect diversion.

*The four grab Nemo and toss him into the center of the field. Mark and Phil shower him with beans. So absorbed by this expression of their hate for him are they that Stampede is able to lead his men across the room. They quickly separate Mini-Myself from Dreamer and drops beans on him.*

Que Pasa: Oniwa from behind!

Mini-Myself: Fine, fine! I surrender! I surrender!

*Phil sneaks up behind them with beans, but Stampede turns around and looks at him with the Glare of THE GUZ. Phil drops the beans and runs immediately.*

Mark: No! I'll never surrender!

*Mark rushes into the group tossing beans and winds up struggling with Que Pasa.*

Que Pasa: Don't be a fool, Mark! You've lost in every conceivable sense of the word!

Mark: No! I have to be worthy of my father!

*Mark tackles Que Pasa through a window. Que Pasa is able to save himself, but Mark takes a nasty fall.*

Que Pasa: That can't be good for the general body form.

*The bell rings, signaling History class. Everyone leaves for Mr. Malkowicz's room.*

Stampede: Oh yeah Mini-Myself, here's your hat back.

Mini-Myself: Thanks man. (puts it over his head, and beans come pouring out. Rafael's Ghost laughs wildly)

Valentine's Day Special: Mind of the Tap-Dancer, Heart of Granola

by Que Pasa

Part One: Vorpal Sketched a Picture of Me Last Night

Written circa February 17, 2006

Carl Winslow: Three two one, one two three. What in the world is bothering me?

*February 13th, late in the night. Mr. T strolls through the garden of the Golden Cheesecake, humming the A-Team theme as he waters the plants... with milk.*

Mr. T: Drink your milk and you'll become big and strong in a manner not unlike T's. (one of the plants brush against his gold chains as he bends over, so T whips out a shotgun and blasts it) Sorry but don't touch my gold.

*From the shadows emerges Mithos, the demented midget who can make anyone of any size, shape or gender fall in love with him instantly. He silently approaches Mr. T.*

Mr. T: (sniffs the air, catching Mithos's man-stink) Who there?

Mithos: I'm right behind you.

*Mr. T spins around, ready to toss Mithos helluva far and then rape his corpse, but he freezes as he beholds Mithos's form.*

Mr. T: (holds up the flower he shot) You can drive T's van.

*Mithos hops onto Mr. T's shoulders and laughs maniacally. A mind-blowing opening credits theme follows. The next morning the crew is preparing for Valentine's Day while Que Pasa and Edwin make their way to Intro to Sci in Sci Fi.*

Edwin: I heard a rumor that the real reason Siren was absent last week is because she was pregnant with a crew member's baby.

Que Pasa: What? W-Where'd you hear such a wild rumor? (hides child support bills) But anyway, remember the time Mr. Malk totally burned Marchese?

*Que Pasa and Edwin turn around to see Mr. Marchese standing sadly behind them.*

Mr. Marchese: He... he didn't say anything about my hair, did he? Guys, I need your help.

Edwin: Do you even know who we are?

Mr. Marchese: Not in the slightest. But I need your help with a girl - the girl from Real Genius.

Que Pasa: Hm, let's try that thing they did in 411. (takes Rafael's contaminated Snapple bottle and hands it to Marchese while "Pimp Juice" plays in the background with half the words censored out)

*Mr. Marchese drinks it and collapses foaming from the mouth. Que Pasa and Edwin pause for a moment, then they run off. But their second match-making mission succeeds as they unite Dr. L with a dolphin. Suddenly en explosion rocks the building.*

Que Pasa: What's going on?

*A familiar van rushes through the school as Que Pasa and Edwin turn and run.*

Edwin: Wait, that's Mr. T's van. (stops in front of the van) Hey Mr. T, let us in! (is smacked ten feet into the air by the car)

Que Pasa: What's going on? (leaps onto the van and climbs along the roof) What are you doing Mr. T? (looks in the windshield and finds not only Mr. T but Mithos) AHHHHHH.

*Mithos points up. Mr. T's fist crashes up through the windshield, grabs Que Pasa and tosses him to a light fixture, zapping him with electricity until he collapses lifelessly on the ground. Soon Que Pasa and Edwin rush back to the Golden Cheesecake.*

Edwin: Guys, Mr. T has gone evil! He's tearing up High Tech!

Scruffy: That's impossible.

Que Pasa: This whole affair is being managed by Mithos's shrunken hand.

Scruffy: That minuscule fiend! Suit up, pirates! We gotta save the T-man.

No Name: Can we hurry up? All of us except Lupine have dates tonight, you know.

Lupine: What about Que Pasa?

Que Pasa: I have a blind date with a chick named Malaria.

Lupine: I'll brew a Stew of Depression for dinner tonight.

*The pirates are all prepared to leave while Lupine stays alone in the kitchen. As No Name is about to leave, Nia pops up.*

No Name: Oh, Nia... what a surprise!

Nia: (feels along No Name's sweatshirt and finds a long blonde hair) Whose hair is this?

No Name: Errr... (Edwin watches on meekly)

*The rest of the pirates all drive the Golden Cheesecake into High Tech. There they see Mr. T pick up a vending machine and tossing it against the wall, smashing both the wall and the machine while Mithos munches on a Pop-Tart (tm).*

Scruffy: Mr. T, stop! Come to your senses!

Mr. T: Don't you fooling fools understand? With my milk-man T's happy. Don't touch my gold.

Karl: Can't you see he's controlling you? Come back to us, Mr. T!

Mithos: T-Bone, wipe out those jealous prats as a symbol of our everlasting love!

Mr. T: Anything for you Milk-Man!

*The pirates stand to oppose Mr. T as he changes into a tight spandex suit and charges forward. T slams right through them, sending them flying to the air like bowling pins bouncing on a trampoline.*

Mithos: HWAhahaha, delicious!

*Nearly everyone is unconscious after T's hurricane-like frenzy. Only Scruffy is standing.*

Scruffy: Mr. T, please stop! You have to remember me! This man is a vicious killer! Please, Mr. T!

Mr. T: (twists Scruffy's arms behind his back) Don't drive my van. (tosses him through the kitchen into a giant can of leftovers that would later be grinded into pizza toppings)

Mithos: This has been beautiful, T-Bone! Now let us leave.

*Mithos and Mr. T drive off in the van, leaving behind the collapsed pirates. Soon Stampede wakes up due to The Guz's amazing powers of recuperation and revives Mini-Myself.*

Stampede: We must rescue Scruffy before lunch begins.

Mini-Myself: I'm on it!

*Stampede and Mini-Myself put on gas masks and kick down the door to the kitchen, then they burst in and find the lunch ladies dumping the whole can into a giant blender, then they start to activate it.*

Mini-Myself: There's no time!

Stampede: Not a question with The Guz!

*Stampede releases bolts of magic that knock out the lunch ladies. One of them smashes into the blender, breaking it open while Scruffy flies out in a flood of disgusting food.*

Mini-Myself: What the hell did you need me for?

Stampede: I don't quite remember.

Mini-Myself: What's wrong with Scruffy?

Stampede: He appears to be choking on mashed potatoes. You may actually have a small use after all.

Mini-Myself: Hot damn!

*Mini-Myself shrinks down and slips into Scruffy's mouth, then slides down his throat until he stops on the pile of mashed potatoes. He quickly plants a charge there, blowing up the mashed potatoes, but he forgot to bring a grappling hook so he slips down the esophagus screaming.*

*Back with No Name...*

No Name: Alright, I admit it, that's Edwin's hair!

Nia: Edwin?

Edwin: I'm sorry. I didn't know how to break it to you.

Nia: That's it! No Name, you have to choose which of us you love more!

No Name: (looks horrified)

*Elsewhere, Mithos and Mr. T leave the school in the van.*

Mr. T: That was foolin' fun, Milk-Man!

Mithos: Yes indeed, my T-Bone! And now the pirates are left beaten and weakened while the navy is on the way! THEY'RE ALL DOOMED!! HYA HAHAHA!

Morgan Freeman: No Name given an ultimatum. Mini-Myself stuck in the captain's body. Mr. T under the control of a hyperactive midget. Lupine brooding alone. And the rest of the crew cornered by the navy at long last. How will the GCPA survive this ejaculation of cliffhangers? Find out!

Part Two: I Could Go For a Muffin About Now

*A man approaches Lupine in the kitchen.*

Lupine: Who the devil are you?

Man: You are Chef Lupine Shadow, correct? I'd like you to bake a cake for my friend's birthday party today and deliver it if you can. It's kinda last minute, but I'll pay any fee you ask.

Lupine: Sure, do you have any requests?

Man: Yeah, can you make the cake with her face on it? Here's a picture of her.

*The Man shows Lupine a picture. Lupine stares in shock. Aeolus freezes in shock and falls into the stew. Lupine recognizes the picture as the exact same picture he carried in his left pocket- the picture of the girl he's been trying to find for years.*

Man: I'll leave her address on this fancy Sticky-Note. Good luck!

*Lupine immediately gets to work on a cake.*

*Elsewhere all the pirates are slowly regaining consciousness while a group of navymen led by a female officer surround them.*

Officer: Surrender now pirate scum! We have you this time!

Que Pasa: Geh... I don't think so. Pirates, attack. (Where's the captain?)

*All the pirates rush towards the naval troops. That Krazy Dude slides down a rope from the ventilation shaft, then swings from it to kick over a group of navy troops.*

ADD: Take this, you salty seamen!

*Elsewhere, No Name uses a Jedi mind trick to knock Nia and Edwin out. Actually he hits them with a rock.*

No Name: Good, now I have time to think. ...I know the best place to go for advice!

*Elserwhere, inside Scruffy's body, Mini-Myself is navigating Scruffy's stomach with a flashlight, dodging the bits of ruined pizza, fries and Spanish food.*

Mini-Myself: Wow, this is even more disgusting then dissecting earthworms.

*A giant tapeworm emerges from the lagoon of fat and hisses. Mini-Myself runs and dodges the tapeworm's swipes. However, Scarlett Johanson rides in on a motorboat and spears the tapeworm on a harpoon.*

Mini-Myself: Scarlett Johanson? What the hell are you doing here?

Scarlett Johanson: I've been trapped in this wasteland for days. I've been imprisoned here by Bernie Mac.

Mini-Myself: Do you know any way out of here that doesn't involve being encased in feces?

Scarlett Johanson: We have to find Bernie Mac's lieutenant, Cedric the Entertainer, who's waiting for me to succumb so he can collect my spine.

Mini-Myself: The fiend!

*Back at the barnyard, the pirates are still fighting off the navymen. Que Pasa grapples with the female officer.*

Que Pasa: A female officer? Shouldn't you be in the kitchen, making me some chicken or yummy raviolis? Maybe some pot roast.

Female Officer: (stuffs a handful of mashed potatoes into his face and dropkicks him)

Que Pasa: That'll do.

*Scruffy and Stampede rush back in.*

Scruffy: (cuts a bunch of navymen in half) Scruffy McGruffy, taking a bite out of law enforcement!

Nemo: Que pasa que pasa! (anal raped)

Siren: I'll finish this- ack, my water broke!

*The female officer reaches into Que Pasa's chest, pulls his heart out and tosses it into the French fryer.*

Que Pasa: Good thing I bought some extra ones on eBay.

Mr. Matt Malkowicz: So you do have a heart.

Stampede: It is time for The Guz to end this.

*Stampede floats into the sky and summons a swarm of meteors that frighten the navymen into a retreat.*

Scruffy: Mr. T...

Que Pasa: Hm... I think I may know someone who can help us with our troubles...

*The GCPA walk into the backyard next door and find Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World.*

Que Pasa: FEE-NAY!

Mr. Feeny: Ah, Mr. Pasa. Mr. Scruffy. Mr. The Guz. Mr. Eagler. Ms. Siren. Mr. Name...

Que Pasa: (looks at all the other pirates) This may take a while.

*A few hours later...*

Mr. Feeny: And Mr. Trying to get out the hood. What brings you here?

Scruffy: Our friend Mr. T has gone evil. We need your help to stop him.

Mr. Feeny: (regurgitates a one-wheeled unicycle car)

Pink Ninja: How will that help us?

Mr. Feeny: That is all I have to say on the matter. I'm also dispensing romantic advice for twenty dollars apiece.

No Name: Mr. Feeny! I need your help to choose between the two people nearest to me!

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Next.

Que Pasa: I have a blind date tonight.

Mr. Feeny: You're screwed.

Que Pasa: Santa, can you get Lupine a girlfriend so he can stop cutting himself over my good carpet?

eLFa: He used to date me. Then we found out I was his sister.

Scruffy: Enough of this. We must find a way to defeat Mr. T.

*Everyone disperses.*

Mr. Feeny: (sighs) Maybe one of these days they'll ask me about my troubles... (sheds a tear)

*Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson find Cedric the Entertainer, but they are immediately chased by a flood of digestive acids.*

*The pirates are all back on the ship.*

Scruffy: You actually brought that unicycle car back?

*Finally, Lupine wheels a cake towards the girl's house... only to find flaming rubble. Ninjas leap out at him.*

Morgan Freeman: You know the drill. To be continued.

Part Three: It's Been About a Month Since the Actual Valentine's Day But Hey

Written circa April 24, 2006

*The van smashes through the World Capitol. Mr. T walks through the halls as Mithos follows behind him. T's body absorbs all the gunfire, and he simply smacks all the guards to the side as they approach. Finally they reach the capital room and confront President Schwarzenegger.*

Arnold Schwarzenegger: What is the meaning of this?

Mithos: Out of the way, Nixon. That chair is mine.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: (pulls out enough weapons to decimate a small country) Do not zink I will leave the world I love without a fight.

Mr. T: (flings Arnold out the window)

Mithos: Excellent job, T-Bone! The world is ours!

*Elsewhere, Lupine angrily leaps at the first two ninjas, smashing their heads together with enough force to blow them up. He then tears out one of the ninja's spines and uses it as a sword to fight off a few more ninjas, impaling them. But then ninjas keep on piling in, and they soon restrain Lupine as the Ninja Queen Vagineta approaches.*

Lupine: What the hell are you doing?

Vagineta: Payback, honey. (evil laughter)

*Inside Scruffy's stomach, Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson engage Cedric the Entertainer in a high-speed battle within a giant chicken skeleton, slowly climbing the skeleton as the lower portions are slowly being eaten away by digestive acids.*

Cedric the Entertainer: (grabs Mini-Myself by the neck and holds him into the air above the acids) You cannot defeat me! I was in the remake of the Honeymooners!

Scarlett Johanson: I'm blonde! (dropkicks Cedric's stomach)

*Cedric the Entertainer stumbles over in pain, then vomits out a baby that quickly grows into a second Cedric the Entertainer. Both Cedric the Entertainers smash into Scarlett from both sides, trying to crush her with their fat.*

Cedric the Entertainers: Now you shall never again interfere with the Big Mac!

Mini-Myself: No!

*Mini-Myself leaps forward, growing enough so that when he smacks into the first Cedric, it immediately tumbles into the digestive acids.*

Cedric: How dare you, slightly larger than before man! I as well can grow!

*Cedric slowly turns into a giant, massive monster of fat and starts laughing wildly. However the bone he's standing on snaps beneath his weight, dropping him into the acid. Mini-Myself nearly falls as well, but Scarlett Johanson grabs his hand and pulls him up.*

*The rest of the pirates are moping around the ship and watching tv.*

Scruffy: (flips through the channels until he arrives at the TV Land channel)

TV Land Dude: In light of Mr. T helping Mithos to take over the world capitol, we're holding a day-long A-Team marathon! (Tv is blown up by Scruffy's fireball)

Que Pasa: They've taken over the whole world now?

No Name: This has gone too far. We have to stop him.

Stampede: But how?

Karl: Wait wait just one second. ...Where's That Krazy Dude?

*Elsewhere, Mr. T is cleaning out his van when he sees a bunch of janitorial supplies. That Krazy Dude rises up.*

That Krazy Dude: Hey Mr. T, what's up?

Mr. T: I pity the fool who... who... does whatever you're doing at the moment!

That Krazy Dude: That's what all the women say to me...

Mr. T: You poor boy, let Mr. T help you... (Mithos enters, and Mr. T becomes angry at That Krazy Dude) No! Stop feeding off my pity with your jibba jabba, you fool! I will not allow this!

*Mr. T drives the van off towards the Golden Cheesecake and opens the back hatch, dropping both That Krazy Dude and a bomb on the ship. The explosion leaves all the GCPA members on the nearby shore.*

Que Pasa: We can't hold off any longer! We have to go to the World Capitol and stop Mithos!

Scruffy: We can't. Mr. T is too much for us.

That Krazy Dude: Not completely. I was able to bring out his pity. We can use that to our advantage.

No Name: Yeah! C'mon Scruffy, we can do this!

Scruffy: Alright, fine. Let's do this.

*So the pirates board the only remaining method of transportation, the unicycle car, and drive off. Every few seconds they stop the one-wheeled car and get out so they can turn it before they continue driving.*

*Lupine lies chained up at Vagineta's feet.*

Lupine: You dirty hoe! How dare you!

Vagineta: You could have married me Lupine and become king of the ninjas! But instead you run off with that damned hussy!

Lupine: What have you done with her?!

Vagineta: Forget about her. I'm all you need. All you'll ever need. Just forget about your meaningless pirate life and come back to me.

Lupine: Um... let's be friends!

Vagineta: How dare you reject me again! That's it, you have to have some feelings for me! We'll just beat you into admitting it!

*Lupine's chains collapse. He immediately rushes forward, kicking one ninja with so much force that his flying body tears through the chests of a row of ninjas. Lupine then begins to engage Vagineta in hand-to-hand combat.*

*The unicycle car smashes through the door of the world capitol and rolls down the hall. Then everyone gets to turn the car around a corner, and continue driving. They all get out at the top floor and enter the World President's Office.*

Mithos: What is the meaning of this?

Scruffy: (sets up a bomb) You blow up my house and left me for dead, consider us even. (starts to leave, but is cut off by Mr. T, who eats the bomb)

Mr. T: Don't attack the milk-man. Stay out of this Scruffy. (grabs Scruffy by his skull, spins him around and tosses him through the wall)

That Krazy Dude: Once I ate a person and found out he was actually me in the future. I'm doomed to become that man and get eaten by myself.

Mr. T: Let Mr. T turn that frown upside do- URGH

Mithos: Don't let him control you! I am your lover! I am your master!

Mr. T: (clutches head) GAH GAH GAH DRINK MILK

That Krazy Dude: Don't be afraid to reject me like those countless amounts of girls.

Mr. T: ERRRRGH... TOO... MUCH... PITY... (charges forward blindly, trampling Krazy Dude on the ground)

Scruffy: It's not working! How can we stop him!

Edwin: Hang on! When I was bored one day, I researched Mr. T! I know one weakness of his- he cannot turn to the left or right! He can only walk in a straight line!

*Edwin and Scruffy look at each other at the same time.*

Scruffy and Edwin: The Unicycle Car!

*Lupine and Vagineta continue fighting.*

Vagineta: You stupid man! Why can't you love me?

Lupine: Because I love her! (kicks Vagineta with both legs at the same time, sending her flying into her ninja minions and causing a massive explosion)

*Inside Scruffy's stomach, Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson cling to the last chicken bone as it approaches the intestines.*

Mini-Myself: What's happening?

Scarlett Johanson: Quick, take this teleporter I swiped from Cedric! You have to escape!

Mini-Myself: What about you?

Scarlett Johanson: There's only enough power to teleport one person! Go, Mini-Myself, go!

Mini-Myself: But... (Scarlett Johanson kisses him) ...Okay. (teleports away while Scarlett Johanson goes down the feces slide)

Scruffy: Urgh...

Edwin: Wait, what's wrong?

Scruffy: Nothing, I can hold it for a while. Let's do this.

*Scruffy drives the unicycle car forward at Mr. T at breakneck speeds.*

Mr. T: WHAT'S THIS, FOOL?

Scruffy: I pity you now, Mr. T! (hits him)

*Mr. T is unconscious from the force of the unicycle car. Somewhere out there Mr. Feeny is experiencing an orgasm. Mithos remains defenseless.*

Mithos: No! Not now, I was so close! (evaporates)

Scruffy: (smiles) I love it when a plan comes together!

Epilogue

That Krazy Dude: (holds up mop) It's just you and me tonight, Stella.

*That Krazy Dude opens the janitor's closet, and Pink Ninja and eLfa spill out.*

That Krazy Dude: So that's where you've been!

*Siren wheels a baby in a carriage.*

Que Pasa: Ooh ohh, name him Ramone!

*No Name walks towards Nia.*

No Name: Where's Edwin? I've made my decision.

Nia: Too late, your choice has already been made for you. (points to Edwin making out with Zandra)

No Name: NO EDWIN COME BACK! I CAN CHANGE!

*Scruffy gets out of the bathroom.*

Scruffy: That's strange, I don't remember eating any fully-grown women whole.

*Que Pasa is waiting at a diner for his blind date. The female navy officer walks in. Que Pasa and the Female Officer immediately get into fighting stance.*

Female Officer: Freeze! This is Officer Malaria of the World Navy!

Que Pasa: Malaria? I'm Que Pasa.

*They sit down at the table.*

Malaria: I hear this place has good chicken.

Que Pasa: Let's talk about Batman...

*After the date...*

Malaria: You do know I have to arrest you, right? (looks around but sees no sign of Que Pasa) I guess you do.

*Scruffy and Mr. T celebrate T's return, and after a few too many drinks they wind up grinding in the middle of the deck. Mr. Feeny gives them a thumbs-up from the backyard next door.*

*Lupine looks around through the rubble of the house. He finds no bodies, but he does find a picture of himself. Written on the back is "Keep waiting". Lupine slips the photo into his pocket beside his photo of the girl, and he walks off into the sunset.*

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10