GCPA Sidequests Part 9

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

Welcome to the Summer Youth Program Bitches!

by Que Pasa, No Name, Lupine and That Krazy Dude on July 28, 2006

*The Golden Cheesecake is bombarded with cannonfire. No Name tries to take control, but he’s lost his voice. A capsule lands on the ship and opens to unleash a horde of Demon Bears.*

Amugih: (tearing open Nemo’s entrails) I am Amugih, leader of the Demon Bears! Fear me for we shall ride the carcasses of your children down a snowy hill on a winter night while the stars shine above us like beautiful angels, and the cold washes my face like a face cloth.

Diddily Dan Puff: I done changed my name again bizz-natch!

Amugih: SEX ME!! (pounces on Diddly Dan Puff; minutes later, tosses his broken body into the ocean)

Scruffy: PUT HER DOWN, ANAKIN!

Amugih: I did.

*Scruffy draws his sword, and Amugih’s claws grow to sword-length. They duel vigorously. Within the ship, Que Pasa and Mr. T are in the boiler room.*

Mr. T: What you doing, foo? You overloading the reactor donttouchmygold!

Que Pasa: We have no choice! That’s the only way to stop these Hell Bears! I knew we shouldn’t have gotten that cursed gold from the Isle de Muerta.

Lupine: Quick, to the escape pods!

*Everyone rushes to the escape pods which launch off to the nearest shore while the GCPA is in flames. That Krazy Dude find Scruffy in a battle with Amugih.*

That Krazy Dude: What are you doing, sir? You’re bubbling like the suds in my soap!

Scruffy: Go on without me! I have to finish this.

That Krazy Dude: …Alright. (leaves in an escape pod)

Scruffy: (picks up sword) ‘ello beastie. (leaps at Amugih)

*The GCPAers leave their escape pods at the nearest shore.*

Lupine: Where’s the captain?!!

That Krazy Dude: He stayed behind. Maybe because I tied him up naked on the ship.

Lupine: What? No! You could have saved him! What have you done??!!

No Name: (plays strip charades with Siren and Salama)

*The Golden Cheesecake explodes violently like an overcooked cheesecake.*

Que Pasa: …Goodbye, cap’n.

Scruffy: (flying through the air) Ahhhhh! (lands on the shore) I’m okay.

Stampede: There goes the ship again. Damn, it’s always a bitch to get another ship.

Scruffy: I have a plan to get us a new ship.

Mr. T: We can use my van to get there, foos.

*The crew soon arrives on the Grounded New Zealander, the ship of the dread… Chevy Chase!*

Chevy Chase: Ah, Captain Scruffy!

Scruffy: Chevy, how long has it been? (is slapped) I didn’t deserve that.

Lupine: We need a ship.

Edwin: We also want you to return Rafael’s soul.

*Rafael walks up, with his beard turned into tentacles.*

Rafael: That’s cool, but I wanna keep the beard. (uses the beard to play a Gamecube game)

Chevy Chase: Fine then. You can have the soul of Rafael and a new ship, but first you need to give me souls.

Scruffy: How many?

Chevy Chase: One hundred. And at least ten must come from your crew.

*After some debate, the GCPA give in eLfa, Mini-Myself, Lyssa, Frenchie, Salama, Dreamer, Pink Ninja, Jebus, ADD, Karl, One-Armed Willy, Aeolus, and everyone else who doesn’t contribute to the group at all.*

Chevy Chase: Alright, you’ve fulfilled your quota.

Que Pasa: (shoves Nemo forward) PLEASE TAKE HIM TOO!!!

Chevy Chase: Fine, you need 89 souls. Three days. Or I’ll rape your asses. Now here’s your ship.

*The Blood-Red Éclair rises from the depths. The GCPA board the ship and drive off.*

Chevy Chase: Did I say three days? I meant three hours.

*The crew rides the Blood-Red Éclair and explore their new ship.*

That Krazy Dude: Ah, I have a lot of work to do. (starts sweeping the toilet, and when pulls the mop out, a demon is clinging to it) AHHH AHH AHHHH IT LOOKS LIKE MICHEAL JACKSON!!!

Stampede: Respectfully sir, this ship is fucking haunted.

Scruffy: Well it’s a fixer-upper to be sure, but you’ll get used to it in time. Time to look for some souls.

Siren: Think of it, captain. Where can we find mass numbers of souls that we don’t care about to sell over to Chevy Chase’s hellish crew? (stabs the map with a knife at a place marked, “Naval Base”)

Lupine: That’s crazy! (names his mother Hector)

That Krazy Dude: That’s insane are you out of your mind!

Que Pasa: Meowth that’s right!

Scruffy: Edwin, set course for NAVAL BASE.

Edwin: I have no idea how to work this ship, I’m the night watch!

Scruffy: Yeah, how the hell do we work this shiop?

Mr. T: Leave it to me, foo! I’ll pilot this ship like a fine young lady.

No Name: (rides a unicycle while balancing plates)

*That Krazy Dude runs by, with a group of onis clinging to his arms.*

Scruffy: Let’s go crew.

*Mr. T opens the door to the steering wheel, and blood flows out from the doors.*

Que Pasa: Sorry, I clogged the sink.

*The Blood-Red Éclair parks outside the Naval Base. Stampede tosses huge-ass guns to all the crew members.*

Scruffy: Alright, crew. You all know your mission. So (walks away)

*Everyone shouts and rushes at the Naval Base. Elsewhere, in the Chase-Cave…*

Chevy Chase: They have had their three hours. SUMMON THE EGGPLANT!

*All the Chase-pirates turn around a giant wheel. A tremor echoes throughout the ocean.*

Que Pasa: GO TEAM VENTURE!

*The pirates rush towards the navy base.*

Lupine: Remember crew, we need them to be semi-alive!

*The pirates rush in on several Navy officers while they’re busy playing back-gammon. Siren incapacitates them easily with her chest-ination. One other Navy officer sneaks up behind her with a wine bottle in hand, but at the last second Siren spins around and knocks him out.*

General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: All men to your stations, all men to your stations! Don’t forget your coolies!

*No Name savagely beats a couple of Navy Officers half to death with a spoon, then jumps on top of a snowy hill and shouts, but no words come from his mouth. That Krazy Dude smacks Navy officers off their feet with his mop and he rides past them on a sled pulled by the onis. Robosexual seduces the Navy machines into turning on and defeating their operators. Que Pasa turns his nose into a mallet, while Lupine is slapped vigorously.*

Lupine: Woob woob woob!

Que Pasa: We don’t like your kind down in Donkey Kong Country.

General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: Fine then! Send in the ultra-cool Navy Kid whom we enlisted to increase ratings.

*Navy Kiddd, a short African American boy with shades and a baseball cap, rides in on his skateboard.*

Navy Kiddd: Yo hombres!

*Edwin flings a cinder block at Navy Kiddd, dropping him with a sickening thud. Edwin examines the skateboard.*

Edwin: What is this wondrous device? I must tame it. After I wash the blood off.

Vince: Yes sir? Hello sir.

*The GCPA fights back the Navy officers while General whatever continues shouting orders.*

Scruffy: We seem to be winning, lads! Onwards to victory!

That Krazy Dude: Stop captain, you’ll jinx it and curse the fall harvest!

Scruffy: Oh come on, what could happen.

*Suddenly, the ground breaks open and the Hell Bears emerge.*

Scruffy: Oh shit. (slapped back by a Hell Bear claw)

Banjo: Guh-huh, we gonna fuck you up for killing my pa!

*Banjo leads the Hell Bears, slashing apart various Navymen and pirates alike.*

Lupine: Well I think we can handle this no sweat!

That Krazy Dude: Why aren’t any of you listening to me??!! So what if I spell crazy with a k?

*The ground shatters completely as the giant eggplant emerges.*

Lupine: I still think we can- (is knocked out by a steel bucket)

That Krazy Dude: YOU’LL THANK ME ONE DAY!!!

*Various Hell Bears and Navyman are grabbed and towed in by the eggplant’s tentacles.*

Robosexual: Hey, we need them semi-alive!

Mr T: BRING IT!! (leaps into the eggplant’s mouth firing his BFGs rapidly)

*No Name quickly pulls the rug out from under the Hell Bears, causing them all to fall into the maw of the eggplant. However, Scruffy is among them, fighting Banjo. No Name quickly leans down and grabs Scruffy. Banjo dangles from Scruffy’s legs.*

No Name: (speaking American sign language) <I got you!>

Scruffy: But who’s got you??!!

*Banjo falls and is devoured by the eggplant. One of the eggplant’s tentacles grabs Scruffy and starts to pull him by the leg. Que Pasa manages to grab No Name’s feet and prevent him from falling.*

No Name: <Quick, hand me a blaster!>

*Que Pasa hands No Name a blaster, which No Name aims at the tentacle.*

Scruffy: What are you doing? Stop, you’re mute!

No Name: <But I’m getting better, hang on!>

Scruffy: Aim a little higher! A little higher!

*No Name fires the blaster, which scorches Scruffy’s face. The tentacle then tows him in.*

No Name: Fuck. Hey, I can talk again!

*Suddenly a giant explosion roars from the eggplant’s mouth, freeing Scruffy. Mr. T crawls out of the eggplant’s mouth as it retreats.*

Mr. T: On your feet soldier. I used my flamethrower on that fool eggplant’s heart.

No Name: I guess you could say it has a bad case of HEARTBURN!

Mr. T: (glares and punctures No Name’s vocal chords)

No Name: <I’ll be good.> (walks away sadly)

*Soon, the GCPA returns to Chevy Chase’s lair.*

Scruffy: We have what we owe. Now leave us be.

*The pirates hand over eighty-eight navy officers and General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley.*

Chevy Chase: Fine then, Mr. Scruffy. Your debt is paid… for now.

Que Pasa: Hey, while we’re here let’s visit our former crewmates! (notices a now-demonic Salama eating his leg) On second thought, let’s send them a postcard.

*The remaining ten crew members- Captain Monkeyman Scruffy, First Mate Que Pasa, Chef Lupine Shadow, Mr. T, That Krazy Dude, No Name, Stampede the Marksman, Edwin and Skanky Siren – all set sail on the Blood-Red Éclair.*

Chevy Chase: By the way, I’ll be reclaiming the ship thirteen months from now. So be ready… (fades into the shadows)

*On the deck of the Blood-Red Éclair, Scruffy looks out at the sunset. The pirates stand behind him.*

Scruffy: Take a good look, crew. This is the beginning of a new tomorrow. (breaks a rum bottle on the ship) I hereby christen this ship the Golden Cheesecake… I lost count of what number it is. (spins the steering wheel) And scrambled eggs!

*Credits roll.*

Que Pasa and the Riddle of the Judo Club (Unfinished)

by Que Pasa on September 12, 2006

*The GCPA ship sails towards High Tech.*

Que Pasa: (puts on Judo gi) That’s right. I’m coming out of retirement. (straps yellow belt on)

No Name: It can’t be! It can’t be!

Scruffy: You should know first mate, we will be there to back you up.

Que Pasa: Excellent. Now return to your Judo Balls!

*Que Pasa pulls out five Judo Balls, which emit flashes of light as they suck up Scruffy, No Name, That Krazy Dude, Demon Salama, and Nightmarer.*

Que Pasa: Sure you don’t wanna come, Lupine?

Lupine: No, I’m TOO DANGEROUS. (walks alone down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams)

*The ship stops outside the APA. Que Pasa enters and starts walking across the gym until the screen flashes, and he enters a random encounter.*

Narrator: A wild Wilson appears!

Wilson: Wiiiiiiiil-son!

Que Pasa: Go, No Name! (tosses Judo Ball, which releases No Name)

No Name: No Name Noo!

*No Name and Wilson start grappling.*

Que Pasa: No Name, use Ipponsyonagi!

*No Name does whatever move that is, knocking Wilson into submission. Wilson summons Natalie. Que Pasa tosses a Judo Ball, which successfully captures Wilson.*

Narrator: Congratulations! You caught a Wilson!

*Que Pasa tosses another Judo Ball, catching Natalie, who is sent to the PC because Que Pasa has filled up all of his Judo player slots.*

Que Pasa: Next stop? The Elite Four headquarters.

*Que Pasa enters the Judo room. The first member of the Elite Four, Ms. R, enters.*

Ms. R: You must be clever to have gotten this far.

Que Pasa: Enough of the talking. Time to combat. That Krazy Dude, I choose you!

That Krazy Dude: Krazy Krazy Krazy Duuuuuuuuuude!

Que Pasa: You might wanna cut out one or two words from your battle cry in case we get any protests from ethnic groups.

*That Krazy Dude nods and grapples with Ms. R.

Que Pasa and Lupine's Buddy Adventure (unfinished)

by Que Pasa and Lupine around October 10, 2006

Note: This sidequest was actually completed, but the full version was lost. This is... all that remains.

Morgan Freeman: Wow! Unbelievable! The entire crew's busy with an intramural shuffleboarding tournament! Captain Scruffy has been kidnapped by the team of Count Gonad and Pat Sajak! And the only people who can save him are his two closest mates, Que Pasa and Lupine Shadow!

Lupine: OK LETS DO THIS! LEROY JENKINS!

Que Pasa: Great, now you jinxed us.

Lupine: Bah, that's just an old wives' tale like Santa Clause and George Bush!

Que Pasa: *walks into the captain's chair* All hands to set mateys! Set course for Bat-dance arena! Let's shoot this scene before third period, alright?

Lupine: Ay mate.

Que Pasa: You, chef guy, cook me some new socks. I think I wet the ones I'm wearing.

Lupine: But crap mate, all I gots is the skull of Nemo and a sponge!

Que Pasa: That'll do.

*The ship begins sailing over the bright and sunny oceans. Fish wave at us as we pass by.*

Lupine: I don't think that's normal. Call me sane, but I just don't.

Que Pasa: Don't worry Lupine, some of those fish probably think you're hot.

Lupine: ::shudders::

Que Pasa: *points at Henry Winkler* That one's coming straight towards you, Lipine, act natural!

:: a cannon ball falls on the ship::

*The cannonball unfolds itself to reveal Tom Welling.*

Tom Welling: I'm TV's Not-Superman, NO FLIGHTS NO TIGHTS but we do the first one anyway

*Tom Welling walks up to Que Pasa and starts pummelling his face with hands of granite, while Henry Winkler assumes human form and attacks Lupine.*

:: Henry Winkler shoots out leopards from his mouth::

Lupine: wtf?!?!?!

*Que Pasa summons Tarzan, who attacks the one leopord who killed his parents. Tom Welling sneezes, nearly blowing Que Pasa away. But Que Pasa walks against the gust of wind and gives his own sneeze. Aided by the Millenium Nose, Que Pasa's sneeze blows Tom Welling overboard, where he sinks to the bottom of the ocean.*

::Lupine claps hands together and summons something for the first time since the original GCPA---- a jelly donut. Henry Winkler eats it and implodes leaving the face of Winkler in the donut----from hell! leopard commits sepoku::

Que Pasa: *tosses an empty soda can by the side of the road. Tarzan sees it and sheds a tear.* We must move on.

Lupine: Yea, can't be distracted by fun.

::Donut eats Nemo::

Lupine: Hmm... in Soviet Russia, donut eats you.

Que Pasa: SOVIET RUSSIA IS DEAD TO ME (has a needlessly long and dramatic flashback) My underground sources inform me that they are hiding out in Pat Sajak's dance dome in Tijuana

::Que Pasa see Dr. L punch out a dinosaur::

Dr. L: In my country, you eat t-rex.

Que Pasa: Oh shit!

*A Soviet officer puts a dinosaur rib on Dr. L's car like in the Flintstones*

::Dr. T punches out a meteor::

Dr. T: I vill surzive to teech you cheemistry!

Montel: Follow me. I know how to get past Pat Sajak's defense grid.

Lupine: MONTEL!!!! I thought you had cancer or something.

Montel: Nah I'm cool (holds up a torch and guides them through the mine tunnels)

Que Pasa: First I must finish this (backhands Golem)

Lupine: Good John, good.

Que Pasa: THAT'S NOT MY NAME DAMMIT (backhands Golem yet again)

*They soon take a mine elevator that leads them to the back door of Sajak's dance dome.*

Montel: I can take you no further. (evaporates into a dense fog)

Lupine: Who was that man? Was he Jesus?

Que Pasa: Is Jesus who we can be, or who we should be?

The Ice-Negger Cometh

by Scruffy, Que Pasa, Jebus, No Name That Krazy Dude and Lupine on November 30, 2006

*Suddenly, Wendy's crashes onto the Golden Cheesecake.*

That Krazy Dude: This time I won't have leftovers to set on fire!

Mr. T: Some fool has got explaining to do!

*Jebus is found sitting on top of the Wendy's, steering wheel in hand.*

That Krazy Dude: I can't do anything.

Que Pasa: What is the meaning of this, Jebus?

Jebus: Well....How do I begin?

*Jebus then recaps the entire story of how he stole Wendy's and tried to tame the beast within, but failed.*

Jebus: And thats how Mr. And Mrs. Claus make Elves!

That Krazy Dude: Incredible.

Que Pasa: Disgusting! Simply disgusting! How do you live?

Jebus: I'm Jebus, haha.

That Krazy Dude: Hhmmm... this burger's cold.

*Que Pasa looks up and sees a vulture circling overhead.*

That Krazy Dude: I'm gonna go microwave it *puts burger in microwave*

Jebus: Umm.. wouldn't eat those burgers.. remember the elves..

*The burger in the microwave is still wrapped in the foil; burger combusts.*

That Krazy Dude: FUCK! Not again! T_T

Jebus: That's what you get!

Mr. T: T will put out this fire! (blows up the microwave with a shotgun shell)

That Krazy Dude: That helps...I guess.

Jebus: HOLY CRAP! When the hell was Mr T hired?

That Krazy Dude: ...

No Name: Ever since the affirmative action thing, remember?

Lupine: << >>

Jebus: Hmm. Jebus should really lay off the brownies..

No Name: T wanted to get into Princeton.

*Elsewhere, the vulture flies back and perches itself on the arm of an armored man. The armored man feeds it birdseed.*

Armored Man: Good job, Randall. Now let's capture those pirates...

That Krazy Dude: T's been around as long as Michelle Branch has given white girls stuff to sing.

Jebus: My dear God.

*Stampede is chilling by the water cooler. The armored man pops up from behind him and tosses a Pokeball, which sucks Stampede up.*

No Name: NO! All my training...all my Rare Candies...down the drain!

That Krazy Dude: Say, did anyone notice a randomly placed vulture flying around earlier?

Jebus: HOLY SHIT. I'LL QUIT THE WEED I PROMISE!

That Krazy Dude: Seemed rather ominous.

Jebus: Vultures are fine.

That Krazy Dude: Like something bad was gonna happen on this ship. Hmmm...

Que Pasa: I saw it, but I assumed Aeolus had undergone another fruity special change.

Jebus: Fruity Owls don't become Fruity Vultures..

That Krazy Dude: They become Fruity Pebbles.

Que Pasa: Then we're doomed!

Jebus: Well, not all hope is lost! We can barricade ourselves in Wendy's and starve!

No Name: Eh..remember we were sent on that mission to return that little girl hope to her mom?

*Skanky Siren rushes out, chased by the armored man.*

That Krazy Dude: Hey guys I'll bbl! *armored man catches him in pokeball conveniently at that moment*

Jebus: *gasp* He's gonna catch us all!

No Name: No, because there will be 386 more of us, and then 410!

*Scruffy identifies the armored man as the greatest bounty hunter of all time! Bobby Sue!*

Jebus: *Feels the need to sing the Pokerap*

No Name: And then 510...

Mr. Scruffy: cool

Bobby Sue: That's right, I'll catch you all for my master!

No Name: He can't catch us all!

*Siren and Lupine are caught.*

No Name: Don't let him get your HP low, that's how he gets you.

*Mr. Scruffy orders the other pirates to hide in the Wendy's while he holds off Bobby Sue*

No Name: Hmmm, sounds like a good porn movie!

Jebus: Getting banged in Wendy's..?

No Name: No, "hide in the Wendies".

*Scruffy draws his cutlass and rushes at Bobby Sue, who pulls out his own laser sword to counter.*

Que Pasa: NO CAPTAIN!

Jebus: DON'T DIE!

No Name: We all know rock beats scisscers- scisoorsasdfadfs DAMMIT I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPELL!

*Bobby Sue breaks a giant rock on No Name's head.*

Jebus: *appears next to Que Pasa* Well... twenty on Bobby, you in?

Mr. Scruffy: cool

Que Pasa: I'll raise you five golden doubloons!

Jebus: Err.. Can you lend me five gold doubloons?

Que Pasa: Sure. (gives five golden doubloons)

Jebus: Deal!

*The pirates rush to enter the Wendy's. Out of the bathroom emerges a shadowy figure. It is... Edwin...*

Jebus: Wait now though.. should we sorta.. you know.. help?

Mr. Scruffy: cool

No Name: Oh..my head...

Que Pasa: Yeah, we have to help Scruffy! (looks where Scruffy was and sees an Ultra Ball there)

No Name: An Ultra Ball? Come on!

Que Pasa: Okay, we may be a little late.

No Name: Not even a Master Ball. That's insulting. Let's beat this punk up!

Jebus: This guy sure has balls to try capturing you guys.

No Name: Hey! *points menacingly* If anyone is gonna make puns...ITS ME!

Jebus: Good thing I'm not apart of the GCPA.. and the brother of God!

Que Pasa: You rogue demigod, you! With the captain incapacitated, naturally the chain of command falls down to Edwin.

Edwin: Alright crew, let's gang-bang him!

Jebus: *disappears, but then reappears with a Mexican mariachi band, playing that cockroach song* I DECLARE A DANCE OFF!

*Edwin rides his skateboard into battle with Bobby Sue.*

Mr. Scruffy: cool

No Name: Look at him...he's all grown up!

*Bobby Sue eats Edwin's skateboard and captures Edwin in a fishing net.*

Que Pasa: We're dropping like amazingly sexy flies!

*Scruffy urges the crew not to worry while he cuts his way out of the Ultra Ball.*

Jebus: Well... just so you know I forgot to mention why else I am here.. Lord Carrot has been chasing me down.

Mr. Scruffy: cool

Bobby Sue: No matter. I brought a special something just for you, Captain Scruffy. (holds up a Master Ball) And I have the right balls for all of you!

Jebus: Except me. Not a fan of other men's balls.

No Name: Heheh... That's so wrong. No way, I'm at level 70! That crappy Ultra Ball won't work on me!

Bobby Sue: Stand down, Jebus. You're not an official member but I will feel no guilt taking you down.

Jebus: Bobby Sue, you do know I could snap my fingers and have you explode into bits of charred flesh? But if I did so, we would have no plot, So I shall stand down!

Lupine: Won't it?

*Bobby Sue strolls over to No Name's lab, swipes a cardboard box labeled "Cloning Machine" in sloppy permanent marker and inserts his Master Ball in it. The pirates rush forward to stop Bobby Sue, but are stopped by Randall the vulture, who pecks them relentlessly.*

No Name: Quick to Cerulean Cave!

Bobby Sue: Haha, with these Master Balls none of you will be able to resist me!

*Bobby Sue turns on the cloning machine... which overloads and explodes in his face, sending him flying back into the opposite wall.*

*Jebus pulls out a large sack of Wendy's fries and eats them while watching his entertainment.

No Name: Don't you see? It's impossible to have more than one Master Ball per game without a Gameshark.

*Scruffy cuts open the other Pokeballs and the fishing net, freeing all the others.*

Que Pasa: Who hired you!

Bobby Sue: Urgh... it was... Schwarzenegger... President Schwarzenegger...

Jebus: But...but.. He is a Governator!

No Name: No...

Que Pasa: We have to stop him.

No Name: This is not what our forefathers had envisioned!

Que Pasa: *tears down a poster that says "Kindergarten Cop is watching."

No Name: Aw...I really liked that movie...

Jebus: Err... guys.. would it be kinda late to inform you that some giant Crucifix-like ship is boarding us as I speak..?

Que Pasa: We can't let our personal feelings get in the way!

No Name: Dammit! I can't!

Que Pasa: We're going! To the world capital!

No Name: It...it was part of my childhood...*drops to knees and sobs*

*The Golden Cheesecake, with a Wendy's and a Crucifix-like ship hanging from it, zooms off towards the World Capital.*

*Arnold Schwarzenegger folds his hands in content as he sits in his throne.*

Jebus: *Wonders where George Bush went*

*Flashback:*

Schwarzenegger: Here, Bush. Sign the land deed to zee Ameriicas!

Dubya: Whats a deed? I'm afraid I can't do that! You're not a naturally-born American, so you're not fit to be American president!

Schwarzenegger: Ah, but I was born on zee Earth! Zherefore, I declares myself zee WORLD PRESIDENT AUGH AUGH AUGH!

Dubya: (frivolously signs)

*Schwarzenegger proceeds to eat Iraq. End flashback.*

Jebus: Holy crap! It's like.. everything I knew.. was a lie!

Stampede: The Wii is truth.

No Name: No wonder our troops never came back...

*Scruffy explains to the crew that they have arrived at Arnold Shwarzenegger's stronghold.*

Jebus: I wonder, was Iraq really so bad..

*The GCPA all shout and rush through the corridors, trampling maids and manservants.*

Duck-Hand Frzlngd: Stop right there, pirates!

Que Pasa: I'll hold him off! The rest of you go on!

No Name: *nods head* Let's go!

*Randall arrives and turns into a Man-Bird*

Edwin: I'll hold him off! The rest of you go on!

*Scruffy, No Name and Jebus enter Schwarzenegger's throne room.*

Schwarzenegger: Frzlngd could not beat you pirates. None of my men could. Now I must do zhis.

Jebus: My lord, I have bought the fools from the GCPA to you! *Jebus laughs evilly*

*The roof explodes like in The Real Folk Blues.*

Lupine: << >>

*Schwarzenegger tears off his shirt, and his muscles inflate.*

Jebus: Hey wait.. where's the chef?

*Scruffy informs Jebus that Lupine stayed behind to fight a cat.*

No Name: ...Stand your ground, men... stick to your guns...and don't cut and run!

Jebus: *Whispers in Scruffy's ear* Play along, if I can fool him then learn his weakness, we shall win!

*Scruffy feigns a surrender, at Jebus's request.*

Schwarzenegger: Excellent! It's times like this that just make me feel like rambling on about my top secret weaknesses!

Jebus: Go on, I am your new loyal trusted servant!

Shwarzenneger Vell Mr. Jebus I am secretly half-reptile, so I have weakening against zee extreme temperatures, hot or zee cold!

Jebus: Oh..

*Scruffy blasts a jet of flames from his hands, sending Schwarzenegger flying back with a burn on his chest.*

Schwarzenegger: Oh! So zhis is how it ees? Zhen let us jingle all zee way!

*Jebus snaps his fingers and watches a pool of hot lava flow over him.*

Mr. Scruffy: cool

Schwarzenegger: Lava lava lava!

*Schwarzenegger quickly rushes up a staircase and enters a giant cryogenics lab. A huge tank of icy liquid lays in the center with no safety rails. Schwarzenegger begins typing at a computer console right in front of the tank of coolant. However, No Name uses the Force to make the console malfunction. The console sparks and explodes in Schwarzenegger face.*

Shwarzenneger: AUGH AUGH! (stumbles over backwards and falls into the icy tank)

*The rest of the pirates are found imprisoned in cryogenic tanks and quickly freed.*

News reporter: The former president, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is missing and presumed dead. Elections start next week...

Jebus: I shall run for president!

*In the ship, Lupine whips up some celebratory flapjacks.*

Que Pasa: Remember Lupine, wear latex!

No Name: And don't forget love yourself DON'T TRUST ANYONE! *in demonic voice*!

Morgan Freeman: And so that is the end of this week's adventures... or is it?

Jebus: WAIT! Lord Carrot [top] is still here!

Mr. Scruffy: cool

*Lord Carrot pops out of the pile of flapjacks, holding a pair of Tommy guns. Everyone kicks him at the same time, making his brain shoot out through his hair.*

Jebus: Dude.. we just.. killed.. GOD!

Que Pasa: Whoops...

No Name: Oh Que Pasa! *everyone wags finger*

Scruffy: Cut to the credits, cut to the credits!

*The cheesy end credits roll.*

*In the tank of icy water, a hand reaches out...*

Mr. Scruffy: cool

Christmas Special: Flight of the Norsemen

by Scruffy, Que Pasa, Lupine, That Krazy Dude and Jebus on December 22, 2006

Que Pasa: GCPA members - sign in!

Jebus: -signs in-

Que Pasa: Que Pasa, first mate!

Lupina: Chef Lupine Shadow, second mate.

Jebus: Jebus..what am I again?

That Krazy Dude: That Krazy Dude, janitor person...guy.

Que Pasa: And last, most certainly not the least... (Cap'n, this is your cue)

Jebus: ...

Scruffy: Oh. Me. The Cap'n.

Que Pasa: ...Okay, let's get to that story!

Scruffy: Slave for me bitchez.

That Krazy Dude: Alright!

*The GCPA's ship sails into the mall in order for last-minute Christmas shopping.*

That Krazy Dude: Let's go to the overly priced food court, guys!

*Mr. T is looking through sexy lingerie in Victoria's Secret.*

Que Pasa: Buying something for a lady-friend, Mr. T?

Mr. T: No punk, this is for my Christmas wish list!

Jebus: Don't forget guys, Cap'n wanted that Penis pump!

Lupina: ::starts hitting on girls:: Hey baby, wanna take a sail on my ship?

-Lupine gets the shit smacked outta him-

That Krazy Dude : *goes up to hot chick* Would you like me to sweep your chimney?

Lupina: ::gets taken to bathroom by creepy looking old guyand comes out all deshiveled::

That Krazy Dude: Perhaps you would like me to butter your crumpet? Would you care for me to score a goal in your net?

*Hot chicks all begin fondling That Krazy Dude.*

Lupina: ::stares and a tear goes down his eye::

That Krazy Dude: *in mind* It's working!! Would you like me to slam dunk in your basket?

Jebus: -Jebus, oblivious to everything happening spots Santa- Look! Santa! LOOK! -Demonic voice- Look its Santa!

Que Pasa: Holy crap it's Santa!

*Mr. G is sitting in the mall square in a Santa costume.*

Lupina: Santa! THAT WHORE! I'LL KILL YOU!

That Krazy Dude: Wow, is it just me or is that bell really loud?

Lupina: ::RUSHES AND TRIPS ON CANDY CANE::

Que Pasa: (picks up Mr. G by the scruff of his collar.) Now listen here old man, I want my Wii and I want it now!

Lupina: ::lands on fountain::

Mr. G: Ho ho ho, make sure your put your trays away when you're done!

Que Pasa: (slaps Mr. G) Wrong answer!

Jebus: -Watches Mr. G pull out a sex toy from his bag...-

Lupina : ::grabs a batch of cookies:: Hey Santa...

Mr. G: Take this! (presses a button on the sex toy, which grows tentacles that wrap around Que Pasa)

That Krazy Dude : Would you like me to water your daisies?

Lupina: o_0 Kinky.

Jebus: ... -Barfs-

Mr. G: You know why my chair never breaks when everyone's piled on my lap? I have the ability to manipulate my own weight!

Lupina: Like Miss Golden Weight. (Editor's note: It's actually Goldenweek)

Que Pasa: A little help here?

Lupina: You ate the kilo kilo fruit, didn't you? ::kicks and shoves cookie into his mouth which explodes::

Mr. G: NO I'M JUST BIG BONED

That Krazy Dude: Excuse me Santa...

Que Pasa: You... you killed Santa! You bastard!

Jebus: My God...

Santa: *twitch*

Lupina: ::shrugs:: Ehhh, he had it coming. Never gave me those cook books I wanted.

That Krazy Dude: Santa?

Jebus : Dude... you kinda ruined Jesus's Birthday..

Que Pasa: I loved him!

Lupina: HE WASNT BORN ON 12/35! THEY JUST SAY THAT!

Jebus: SHUT UP! IT'S OBSERVED!

Lupina: HE REALLY WAS BORN IN MARCH!

Jebus: I am the religious expert here, shut it. :-(

That Krazy Dude: 12/35? No wonder he wasn't born on that day! He didn't exist!

Tim Allen: Well, fellas. You know what you all have to do now. You must BECOME SANTA!

That Krazy Dude: Now if only I knew where the flounders roamed...my knowledge would be complete.

Tim Allen: It is your destiny! And the only way to save Christmas!

Lupina: I have to be Santa? My worst enemy?

Que Pasa: Well this is what we get for doing our Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve!

Lupina: ::sigh:: I told you!

Tim Allen: Sure, just sign here.

Lupina: I'm not signing crap.

Jebus: Wait! I will be Santa!

Lupina: ::pen flies into hand and forces his signiture:: God dammit!

Jebus: Damn it.

Que Pasa: There's always next year, Jebus. There's always next year.

Lupina: So what do I do?

Jebus: Mrs. Claus..?

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to throw my javelin down your wishing well?

Lupina: Hmm...

Tim Allen: The usual- ride your sleigh around the world, bring joy to everyone... oh, and you have to provide your own reindeer.

Lupina: Who'd be my Mrs. Claus?

Tim Allen: ME.

Lupina: Slag.

Que Pasa: Is that a word?

That Krazy Dude: Oh I have an idea! Let's hunt for pastrami!

Lupina: I like that idea better. ::takes contract and tears it:: I'm free!

That Krazy Dude: Your mom's free! ...

Lupina: What now, Mr. Allen?

*Mr. T presses a button on the ship, converting it into sleigh mode.*

That Krazy Dude: But who will be our reindeer?

Tim Allen: (repieces the contract)

Lupina: I have an idea!

Que Pasa: We shall be our own reindeer! You have my nose.

Lupina: Ahh yes.

That Krazy Dude: And my mop.

The Guz: And my hair!

Legolas: And my bow! Wrong movie?

Lupina: One question. How can we fly?

Mr. T: Marijuana, fool!

That Krazy Dude: Yeah, haven't you seen Space Jam? Jeez!

*The Golden Cheesecake sleigh, pulled by the entire GCPA crew, takes off.*

Lupina: Ha ha ha ha ha!

That Krazy Dude: Stay drug free!!!

Lupina: Merry Christmas, bitches! And a happy go to hell to all!

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to land my blimp in your stadium?

Que Pasa: *crashes through the window of the first house.*

Lupina: ::dressed in red and fat, pillages the house:: <_< >_> Merry X-Mas to us indeed.

::suddenly a barking occurs::

Lupina: Heh, a small dog vs. a pirate crew.

::Cerebus appears::

Lupina: Me and my big mouth! (AeroRinq (8:08:25 PM): *insert sex joke here*)

That Krazy Dude: Quick! Give it a McDonalds gift card and it'll go away!

Que Pasa: *tosses a bed full of children* Fetch, Krypto!

That Krazy Dude: That works too. Hurry up dude! Put the gifts under the tree and let's leave!

Que Pasa: Gifts? What gifts?

Lupina: We're pirates.

That Krazy Dude: I thought Lupine was supposed to be Santa...

Que Pasa: I saw some boxes with bright wrapping paper but I assumed they were after-dinner mints and ate them all.

That Krazy Dude: ...Well that explains it.

Lupina: Let's just leave now. ....Now!!!!

*The sleigh takes off once more. The house gets set on fire as they leave.*

That Krazy Dude: Would you like for me to place my dumplings on your platter?

*The sleigh is struck by a missile. The dumplings fly out of the sleigh.*

That Krazy Dude: NO!!!! MY DUMPLINGS!!!

Lupina : ::falling:: I feel like Jack Skellington!

That Krazy Dude: You look like Jack Skellington

*Suddenly, out of the clouds comes a giant Viking ark.*

Que Pasa: Wha... what is that?!!

That Krazy Dude: Oh snaptizzles! It's...Beowulf!!!

*The Viking ship fires a second missile, which is absorbed by Mr. T's muscles.*

Viking King: WRONG!

That Krazy Dude: Stupid Vikings.

Viking King: I am the king of the Vikings. I go by many names but the one you are most likely to know is the one you have stolen from me: I am Santa Claus.

That Krazy Dude: Hey you don't have a big beard!

Viking King: My beard is long and flowing!

That Krazy Dude: And Santa doesn't wear a denim vest with Harley Davidson written on the back!

Que Pasa: But... we killed Santa!

Lupina: I landed the final blow myself.

Viking King: Only a mall Santa. I'm the real deal. No punk pirate is gonna mess up my operation!

Lupina: Well then, you haven't met us

Viking King: Pirate scum, you will be wiped out with no effort at all. Deploy the preliminary forces!

Lupina: Bring it.

*A series of spores are launched from the Viking ship, which hatch and grow into an army of clones of Ian and Terrence.*

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to drop my cane in your puddle?

Lupina: Oh man.

That Krazy Dude: Chiodos! Chiodos! Chiodos! It's like light and dark have been summoned to battle us.

*Mr. T fights valiently with ten Ians and five Terrences latching onto his body. The Guz wipes out scores of clones at a time with beams of light.*

That Krazy Dude: *Bats away the enemies with a mop and hammers one over the head with a bucket*

*No Name do some strange twirling move that does absolutely nothing. Que Pasa is lost beneath a pile of Ians and Terrences.*

That Krazy Dude: First Mate! No!

Lupina: ::kicks numerous ones off the ark and into the magma ocean under them. casts fire magicks at 10 of them::

Viking King: See? Pirates are stupid, they cannot even defeat my weakest henchmen!

Lupina: Que Pasa! We will survive.

That Krazy Dude: Guys...it's time to... PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT!!!!

*The music begins playing as the tables inexplicably turn on the Vikings. Lovin' You by John Stamos plays.*

That Krazy Dude: *beats the Ians and Terrences away and toward the Viking ship*

Que Pasa: *side-kicks a Terrence, which goes flying into an Ian that has been side-kicked by Lupine. The two collide with each other and collide.*

::Cap'n takes out 1000 with his scimitar and fire powers::

Scruffy: Take this!

Que Pasa: Cap'n? Where have you been?

That Krazy Dude: Yay!

Scruffy: *forms giant fireball, engulfing and burning enemies but no allies.*

Lupina: In our hearts.

Scruffy: Watching House. He taught me a trick. *belches fire*

That Krazy Dude: He has returned from the realm of House!

Lupina: :: adds wind into the fire making it stronger::

Que Pasa: *Urinates into the wind, which enriches the flame even more.*

Scruffy: Sexcellent! Now, to finish this off...

Lupina: All of us! Put your powers in at once, now!

Scruffy: *slams fist into ground, opening earth up, swallowing flames and everything engulfed in them, then closes*

Lupina: :: sends in every blackmagick kwown to man:: Now Que Pasa and Krazy! Now!

Scruffy: The trash has been taken out. Or rather in, to the Earth's cire.

That Krazy Dude: *sends in...cleaning liquid?*

Que Pasa: *shoots a nuclear missile from nose cannon*

That Krazy Dude: Wooo!

Scruffy: Fight me jigga!

Lupina: We win! Now what, Santa? That's for the lack of roller skates!

Scruffy: I say we give him to the canabalistic people of Ecuador!

Viking King: You haven't won yet! Stupid pirates!

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to dunk my chocolate chip cookie in your glass of milk?

Scruffy: Yes. Yes, I would. A lot. So much...

*The Viking King rises, with a giant axe in hand.*

Scruffy: I need it. Do it. Now!

Viking King: I challenge your leader to one-on-one combat!

Lupina: Me and my big mouth. (Here we go again)

Scruffy: I'm done.

Lupina: Get 'em, Cap'n! ::summons up popcorn to everyone's hands:: Have some.

Scruffy: Yes, get him Marko, you great cap'n you!

Lupina: Huh? I'm the leader? Crap! ::pulls out pole::

Scruffy: If it saves me from an early grave, sure! You can even be the toothfairy if you want!

Lupina: I'll take you down like I did Dr. Nina!

Scruffy: Go get him tiger!

Que Pasa: Cap'n, are you Mary Jane?

Scruffy: No Que Pasa, Marko is, and that's why the fool shall lose to the Viking fool.

That Krazy Dude: Yay!

*The Viking King rushes angrily at Lupine, shouting.*

Lupina: ::side steps::

That Krazy Dude: Would you care for a popsicle in your tube?

Lupina: ::dodges and kicks Viking King in crotch::

Viking King: No luck, mine are made of stainless steel! Can't say the same about yours. (grabs Lupine's crotch and begins squeezing)

Scruffy: That's not kinky, that's painful!

Lupina: Well then, only one thing to do. Hey Santa! Before you kill me, would you like some cookies and milks?

Viking King: (releases Lupine) Why yes I would.

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to dive into your pool?

Lupina: Here, have some? ::gives Santa cookies::

Scruffy: I bet you he'll take him out in a 3 hit combo which will end with El Fool getting a ring out.

Viking King: I would love to be served by a pirate!

Scruffy: NEVER!

Lupina: Like those cookies... huh?

Scruffy: *slide kicks, and pushes him off cliff, into a space shuttle, heading for Pluto, which is now not a planet*

Lupina: ::dodges::

Scruffy: Justice, is Served.

Lupina: What are your trying, Real Cap'n?

Scruffy: Not you- Viking. In shuttle.

Que Pasa: So that's the real Santa.

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to stash my presents under your Christmas tree?

Que Pasa: But why did Tim Allen say that the mall Santa was the real one?

Lupina: Hmmm...

Tim Allen: Simple. I wanted to pit you against the Vikings so you'd all be destroyed. They failed. Now I'll have to do it myself.

Lupina: Hmmm...

*Tim Allen turns into the Shaggy Dog and attacks the crew.*

Scruffy: Screw you! Imma watch House. Stupid villains, cutting in on Scruffy's personal time. (retreats into cabin)

Tim Allen: ...Is that what I have become? I'm a monster! Let me be your friend, and I'll be with you all Christmas! (gives all the GCPA the gifts they wanted)

Scruffy: (rushes back out) My cam!

Que Pasa: (opens gift) Is it...? Can it finally be? YES! It is! A broken discount Wii!

Lupina: (pulls out Asian blow up doll) My hot girlfriend!

That Krazy Dude: A World's 1000 Best Innuendos Book! *looks through the book eagerly* Would you like my snake in your containment tank? Would you like me to stuff your stocking?

Jebus: You can never contain Snake, Krazy Dude!

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to put my terrorist in your spiderhole?

Jebus: You know they are hanging that terrorist right? -gets.. a Jebus bobblehead..?- Woo! Let the marketing begin!

*Montage of GCPA and Tim Allen sharing precious Christmas memories.*

*On Pluto, Santa takes out his anger on a genetically-enhanced John Dabrowski clone. Suddenly, someone appears.*

Saget: Let's talk.

*Cue a Christmas-themed remix of the cheesey end credits.*

That Krazy Dude: (We have a theme song?) Would you like me to put my penis in your mouth hole?

Que Pasa: Well crew, we saved Christmas again! (looks around at the city, which is burnt to the ground after last night's shenanigans)

Jebus: Yay us!

Que Pasa: Aaaaaaaaaaand... that's a wrap!

Jebus: What's the next holiday we get to save? Martin Luther King Jr. Day? New Year?

That Krazy Dude: So the special is finished? We've completed a story!?

Lupina: This is our first GCPA story we wrote as a group in months.

Jebus: Huh? No.

That Krazy Dude: But we'd have to do that before I go to an overnight New Year's Party.

Jebus: We did Thanksgiving.

That Krazy Dude: Eww! You did Thanksgiving!

Jebus: I stuffed that Turkey.

That Krazy Dude: Would you like me to mash your potatoes?

Jebus: Thats sick. Help me! The CIA is looking for the Penis, can you hide it for me ma'am?

That Krazy Dude: Wow this was a long story!

Jebus: Long story short, we saved Christmas.

The Centennial Showdown

by GORE-ILLA

After months of training under the wise Mr. George Feeny from Boy Meets World, Captain Monkeyman Scruffy of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada was ready to face his ultimate enemy: Grendel’s Mom. Scruffy had an unquenchable hatred for the creature ever since her complaints caused TV Land to cancel his precious favored show, The A-Team. Outraged, Scruffy plunged into the lake and swam to Grendel’s Mom’s lair’s entrance hall’s front door’s knocker and blasted it open.
With that Scruffy entered the lair and shouted until Grendel’s Mom dropped from the ceiling, her bloody claws showing she had been interrupted during a deal with an insurance salesman. Grendel’s Mom decided to greet Scruffy by opening her mouth and spitting out a horde of giant spiders. They rushed towards Scruffy, most likely planning to tear his body open and suck on whatever juices they found within. But Scruffy would not take kindly to such treatment, so he blew the spiders away with a barrage of fireballs.
Grendel’s Mom took the offensive and slapped Scruffy into the far wall. Scruffy quickly recovered. He and Grendel’s Mom rushed at each other, ready to finish this all. But then Grendel’s Mom remembered she had a pedicure scheduled for that time, apologized and slithered away. After spending some time talking with the girls at the salon, goring only a bare minimum of them, she returned and resumed the battle with Scruffy. This time of thinking had given Scruffy the perfect strategic idea. Seeing that his sword and flames could not pierce her rock-hard flesh, he tried jabbing her in the eye with the sword. She howled in pain. With this Scruffy knew the fight was his.
Scruffy quickly channeled a large amount of heat into his blade and stabbed it into the same eye, blowing it up. Scruffy entered the opening and went to the center of Grendel’s Mom’s body. Scruffy then unleashed his super-secret, last stand Supernova attack. This forbidden technique succeeded in vaporizing all of the internal organs of Grendel’s Mom, thus ending the fight in Scruffy’s favor. However, the attack left Scruffy incapacitated and unable to move.
As fate would have hit, a trio of misled Vikings, the mortal enemies of the pirates, happened upon the shell of Grendel’s Mom. They tore open her body to cook it, only to find Scruffy within. They were about to take advantage of the vulnerable pirate when suddenly a galleon came down from nowhere, crushing the Vikings. It was the Golden Cheesecake, the ship of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada. They brought Scruffy aboard and quickly revived him with a secret mix of herbs and spices. His mission accomplished, Scruffy marched to the common room to watch some A-Team.

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

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