Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada: 411 Scripts

The original scripts for the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada 411 series. Only the first three episodes were completely written.

Episode 1: It's Christmas (Baby Please Shut Up)

Scene 1

*Nightmare sequence: A dark robed figure is seen surrounded by mist, with red eyes peering out from hood while images of tacoes float around.*

SHADOWY FIGURE (he's Saget you morons): Have tacos... have tacos!!!

STAMPEDE: Nooo-

Scene 2

*Late at night, Stampede's room: Stampede sittng up in bed, covered in sweat and panic-looking. Camera angled so that door to room is visible.*

STAMPEDE: (ctd) -ooo!

*The door opens, and Que Pasa appears in the doorway.*

Que Pasa: Stampede! The captain and part of the crew has gone missing! ...And by the way, Merry Christmas!

*Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada title suddenly as grand theme song begins (possibly with snowflakes). After opening montage, Morgan Freeman appears.*

Scene 3

Morgan Freeman: This crew of piratez has faced every danger known to man. Typhoons. Telemarketers. Even Saget himself. But they have never quite faced a situation quite like this... when their esteemed crewmates... have gone missing.

Scene 4

*A comfortable parlor area (suggestion: MacAulay's fireplace corner). Pirates (minus Que Pasa) scramble around wildly, overturning presents and tables and anything else.*

That Krazy Dude: Captain? Are you here?

Edwin: I can't find No Name!

White Panther: Am I the only one looking for Lupine?

Stampede: Dude, Siren's gone too!

Mini-Myself: And where's Mr. T?

*Everyone turns over as Que Pasa begins talking offscreen.*

Que Pasa: Let's face the facts, crew. Our captain, second mate and the rest of our crew are missing.

*Que Pasa enters, wearing an elaborate cape.*

Que Pasa: So I, First Mate Que Pasa, shall be your acting captain!

Mini-Myself: I quit!

Que Pasa: We must remain calm, crew! This will be a normal Christmas day like any other! Now let us continue our traditions as if our captain and the others were here!

Scenes 5/6/7/8

*Musical montage- "Baby Please Come Home":

-Stampede opens up a present and begins clapping his hands happily, it is a Wii. That Krazy Dude opens his present and finds wool pants. Krazy Dude immediately tackles Stampede while Que Pasa struggles to try and separate them.

-Mini-Myself holds a mistletoe above himself and White Panther. She then smacks it out of his hand, in a feral rage, and begins chasing him around.

-Edwin looks down sadly at a photo of No Name and himself, then sheds a tear.

-Que Pasa chugs down a Snapple, looking very weary and worn.

Scene 9

*All the pirates are assembled in the kitchen.*

Que Pasa: Alright crew. Things are a bit hectic here without the others, I admit that. How

That Krazy Dude: I go with my original proposal of making White Panther our new chef.

White Panther: (growls)

Stampede: No way! Look at here, she’s not like an animal! She’s some type of sub human! I don’t want her touching my food!

White Panther: Shut up!

*White Panther dives at Stampede and begins attacking him. Edwin simply sighs, and That Krazy Dude begins sweeping up around them while Mini-Myself laughs at them. Que Pasa goes over and tries to break them up.*

Edwin: This is a nightmare…

*Rafael stumbles in through the door. Studio audience cheering announces his arrival. Everyone suddenly looks happier.*

Rafael: Hey guys, how's it going?

Que Pasa: Oh, Rafael. I forgot that the captain rented out that apartment attached to our ship.

*Rafael opens the refrigerator and pulls out some milk, and he begins to drink it (straight from the quart, or pours it in a cup first if he doesn’t want to).*

Rafael: By the way, you have someone here to see you. Some kinda Viking guy.

Mini-Myself: A Viking?

Que Pasa: Our sworn enemies! ...To the battle stations!

Edwin: (sighs) They're here because the captain was organizing a peace treaty with them!

Que Pasa: ...Right. Well let's do that!

Mini-Myself: No way! I want a chance to cream those stupid Vikings!

Stampede: Well come on, that peace treaty isn't gonna write itself! Unless of course it's own of those new self-writing peace treaties!

*Everyone rushes out from the kitchen. Rafael sits down and begins to put together a sandwich.*

Scene 10

*The pirates assemble in a parlor. That Krazy Dude approaches.*

That Krazy Dude: The reports are true. Santa Claus is coming to town.

White Panther: Santa? What does he have to do with the Viking?

Stampede: I'll enlighten your fragile sub human mind. See, the leader of the Vikings is Santa Claus himself, better known as Sir Nicholas. He delivers presents to those who are good and death to all his enemies.

Nicholas: (offscreen) Allow me to elaborate.

*Sir Nicholas enters, wearing Vikingesque clothing matched with a Santa hat and/or a Santa jacket; he is accompanied by Rudolph (Willian Ferman), who stands creepily by his side, as well as Donner (Sir Ian Wallace) and Blitzen (Terrence).*

Que Pasa: You! Viking King!

*Sir Nicholas approaches and stares Que Pasa down.*

Sir Nicholas: Where is the captain? Why is this monkey doing a man's work?

Que Pasa: Hey! I'm, uh... the new captain! You see, Captain Scruffy...

White Panther: Fell!

Stampede: Into a tiger pit!

Mini-Myself: And there were cobras too!

That Krazy Dude: Plus it was sweeps week!

Edwin: Those are all the details.

Sir Nicholas: Hm. A pity that my arch rival was so easily slain. If there were a mongoose or two in there, I'd understand. But nonetheless! I expect a good reason for us to sign this peace treaty!

Que Pasa: Er, yes! We'll show you the best Christmas you've ever seen in all your years of existence!

Sir Nicholas: Are you sure? I've had quite a few years. Quite a few hundred.

White Panther: So you're... Santa?

Sir Nicholas: Yeah. What's it to you? But I prefer to be called Sir Nicholas. Or Eternal Overlord.

White Panther: Shouldn't it be Saint Nicholas?

Sir Nicholas: I'm not dead enough to be a saint! Now show me your pitiful pirate Christmas so I can laugh as I chew on your bones when I am ultimately disappointed!

Scene 11

*The pirates all huddle together.*

Mini-Myself: How do we know those dirty Vikings aren't the ones who kidnapped Captain?

Que Pasa: Hm... Edwin, you are now my official adviser with the dummy rank of third mate! I shall call you Baby Edwito henceforth! Now give me your masterful advice.

Edwin: (sighs) It's a trap.

Que Pasa: A trap... A Parent Trap... Getting parents back together... is good... so... yes! We should trust them! Thank you Baby Edwito, I will treasure your advice, type it up and store it in my scrapbook for all my grandsons to see!

Edwin: (annoyed) Really.

Stampede: He's expecting a big dinner. How are we gonna pull this off?

That Krazy Dude: Leave this to me. And by me, I mean... not it!

*Close up on White Panther.*

White Panther: What?

*Zooms out to reveal other pirates have fled.*

White Panther: Dangit!

Scene 12

*The pirates and Vikings sit around a dinner table pounding the table while shouting for food. White Panther walks out wearing oven mitts and an apron that are all charred, and looking agitated.*

White Panther: You're all jerks.

*Everyone cheers.*

Que Pasa: Wait... Panther, where's the food?

White Panther: You mean the three-course meal you guys ditched me to make all by myself? When I have no cooking experience even though that's more than Chef Lupine can say?

Que Pasa: Yeah. So where is it?

*White Panther tosses her mitts on the ground and angrily stomps away.*

Sir Nicholas: What is this insult?

Que Pasa: I'm sorry sir, I don't know what's going on.

Sir Nicholas: Well I'm hungry, and if I have no food, so I need blood to quench my hunger! Either that girl walks the plank... or we start another war!

That Krazy Dude: Don't take anything from this Anti-Hippie, Kinda-Captain!

Stampede: Yeah man, let's mop the floor with this loser!

Que Pasa: Hey, the captain wanted us to make peace with the Vikings, and that's what we'll do!

Mini-Myself: What about White Panther?

Scene 13

*White Panther is tied and starting to walk the plank. The other pirates and the Vikings oversee.*

Stampede: You can't be serious.

Que Pasa: She'll be okay, she was raised in Antarctica!

White Panther: I'm really not comfortable with this plan.

Sir Nicholas: Enough stalling! Let's see some plank walking!

Que Pasa: You heard him, Panther! Walk that plank like a runway!

*White Panther begins to step forward.*

Stampede: Okay, that's it.

*Stampede rushes forward and takes out a sword, cutting White Panther's bonds.*

Sir Nicholas: That's it! To war! Rudolph! Donner! Blitzen! Attack!

*Several battles go off. Donner rushes around at high speed and attacks Edwin, who struggles to keep up with his attacks; Mini-Myself's attacks bounce off of Blitzen's bulk; That Krazy Dude and Rudolph engage each other in a staring contest. Que Pasa draws a pen and pencial and duels with Nicholas, who wields a dagger. All the while Stampede tries to escort White Panther safely across the deck.*

Scene 13.2

Edwin: Mini-Myself, lure him over here!

*Mini-Myself taunts Blitzen and runs towards Edwin while Donner circles Edwin at superspeed. Donner then collides with Blitzen, and the two tumble over.*

Mini-Myself: Talk about a speedy conclusion!

*Edwin and Mini-Myself high five.*

Scene 13.3

*That Krazy Dude and Rudolph

Scene 13.5

*Que Pasa and Sir Nicholas duel.*

Sir Nicholas: You pathetic clown! You're nothing without your old captain to guide you around by the nose!

Que Pasa: Hey! I pride myself on my Millennium Nose!

Sir Nicholas: Then it will look fine mounted on my wall!

*Que Pasa and Nicholas clash some more. Nicholas overpowers Que Pasa and knocks him onto his back.*

Sir Nicholas: Now to finish this. A pity your real captain isn't here to witness the final demise of his crew.

Stampede: (offscreen) Not so fast!

*Sir Nicholas turns around. Stampede and White Panther stand there, looking intimidating.*

Sir Nicholas: Two rats have escaped my hounds? No matter, I can take a legion of you scum!

*Stampede blocks the dagger with his sword, at which point White Panther lunges forward. Nicholas falls over backwards and onto the ground. Shot from above of Nicholas passed out on floor, with three claw marks torn through his shirt and if we can scarring on his chest.*

Scene 14

*The pirates and Vikings face off in the kitchen.*

Sir Nicholas: You've proven your worth. Or started to. I shall leave my most trusted assisstent, Rudolph, here for several months. If you show promise during that time, we shall sign this treaty. But if not, you shall feel the full force of the Viking horde.

That Krazy Dude: Wait! Had you to do with the disappearance of our beloved captain, who made the best of the smores and slushies?

Sir Nicholas: I don't know anything. You guys said he was dead. But I hear the ninjas have been up to suspicious activity lately. ...Well, I have to be off now. I have plenty of time to kill.

*Sir Nicholas, Donner and Blitzen leave.*

Edwin: So Rudolph, what can you do?

Rudolph: I can cook. In fact, I prepared this.

*Rudolph whips out a tray full of Christmas cookies from nowhere.*

Scene 15

*The pirates and Rudolph, as well as Rafael sit around the kitchen table, enjoying the cookies.*

Edwin: Wow, he's a cook and his food is actually edible! We hit the jackpot here!

White Panther: I love these cookies.

Rudolph: (looking confused) Love? What is this... love you speak of?

Stampede: There are no words for love in the Viking dictionary.

Que Pasa: Oh, I'm sure we'll get along fine!

Mini-Myself: It's... a bloody... trap!

Rafael: A delicious trap!

Scene 16

*The pirates and Rudolph stand/sit around the parlor. That Krazy Dude polishes the tree.*

Que Pasa: Oh Captain... Where could he be?

That Krazy Dude: Hey... what's this? ...By Zimbabwe, it's a present! Addressed from the captain!

*Krazy Dude pulls out a small present from the tree. Que Pasa rushes over and grabs it. Everyone gathers around Que Pasa as he opens it and finds a letter with a locket, then opens the letter.*

Scruffy: (voiceover) Dear crew, I'm in a very dark place right now. I'll be okay for now even though I have no night light or even a poncho. Take care of the crew, Que Pasa. You're the man of the house. Or ship-house. You know what I mean. (other improvised stuff) Be careful. Someone's planning mighty evil things for our crew. Keep an eye on- oh no they've spotted m-

Que Pasa: Cap'n...

Stampede: Dude, for now, let's just all party!

*Kileen and Shep are revealed in a corner at a piano. Kileen plays "Let All Acquaintence Be Forgot" on piano while Shep sits on the piano and plays a guitar version. The other Vikings suddenly appear there. All (or most) of the pirates/Vikings sing along.*

Episode 2: A Love Letter, From My Fist to Your Face

Scene 1: Morgan Freeman

*MORGAN FREEMAN.*

Morgan Freeman: Previously on the GCPA...

*Shots from previous episode.*

Scene 2: Parlor

*Close-up of ROBO-SCRUFFY's face.*

Que Pasa: (offscreen) Behold, our very own beloved captain!

*Pan out to reveal QUE PASA, EDWIN, MINI-MYSELF and THAT KRAZY DUDE surrounding Robo-Scruffy.*

That Krazy Dude: Ah, so the prodigal tapdancer returns.

Mini-Myself: Captain? Is that you?

Que Pasa: Actually he is a robotic duplicate I built from some of No Name's blueprints that I found lying around. Edwin, activate him!

*Edwin sighs and presses a button a remote control. Robo-Scruffy comes to life and mechanically walks towards Edwin, then shakes his hand.*

Robo-Scruffy: Poncho.

Que Pasa: You see? It's just like our old captain is back again!

Robo-Scruffy: Rashtabacka!

*Robo-Scruffy twists Edwin's arm behind his back and shoves him away. Que Pasa, Edwin and Mini-Myself flee while Robo-Scruffy pursues. That Krazy Dude simply sweeps around.*

*Title sequence.*

Scene 3: Parlor

*STAMPEDE, WHITE PANTHER and THAT KRAZY DUDE sit on the couch while RUDOLPH stands next to the couch.*

Que Pasa: You four have been chosen to infiltrate the ninjas... our OTHER most hated enemies.

Stampede: No way! I have to go on a mission with this subhuman freak?

*White Panther raises her claws to slash at Stampede.*

Que Pasa: Hey, hey! That's why I have That Krazy Dude here to keep you other in line with his keen and mature judgment.

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line)

Rudolph: (begins moving around spastically) Does not compute! Does not compute!

Que Pasa: Shut up! Just... just go!

*The four shrug and walk off casually. Que Pasa goes over to rest in the couch, but then he looks over and runs off distressed; Robo-Scruffy runs through frame chasing Que Pasa offscreen. After they all leave, DARTH CURRY rises from behind the couch with an insidious grin on his face.*

Scene 4: Sensei's Room

*That Krazy Dude, Stampede, White Panther and Rudolph sit at desks in Ninja Academy classroom along with various extras. SENSEI presides.*

Sensei: Ahhh, welcome to the first day of Ninja Academy! I am the wisest and most honored of the ninja teachers.

Stampede: I feel like I've met you at least ten times before.

Sensei: Silence! If you want to become a true ninja, you must first get serious! Now… ninja vanish!

*All the other ninjas except for Stampede, White Panther, Krazy Dude and Rudolph disappear.*

Sensei: Ah, I see that you four will require much training. What village are you all from?

White Panther: Um, New Jersey.

Sensei: Ahhh yes, the Village Hidden in the Pollution. Now which of you is Stampede?

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line indicating that he is Stampede)

*Sensei picks up a note and examines it.*

Sensei: Hmm... long flowing hair... tall... hai, it must be him! Now Stampede, report to the principal's office!

*That Krazy Dude leaves. Sensei turns and begins to write on the wall. White Panther tries to write down notes, but Stampede throws paper at her.*

Rudolph: Oh no... I was not programmed for Japanese... I must be obselete...

*Sensei turns around to face the three.*

Sensei: Now, for your first mission. You must... survive!

*Various ninjas appear.*

Sensei: Attack the imposter pirates!

*The ninjas move in to attack, while the other pirates move up ready to fight.*

Sensei: Now shitsureishimasu, class!

*Sensei warps away.*

Scene 5: Ninja Principal's Office

*HITO NOME is filing through papers when That Krazy Dude enters.*

Hito Nome: Ah, Mr. Stampede. Have a seat.

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line)

(Completely improvised banter; Hito Nome keeps trying to lure Krazy to dark side and he pretends to go along; finally Hito Nome decides to show Krazy Dude to her mystery associate)

Scene 6: Outside

*Que Pasa, Edwin and Mini-Myself all flee through grassy area while chased by Robo-Scruffy.*

Scene 7: Sensei's Room

*Stampede, White Panther and Rudolph fight off various ninjas epicly and with Naruto references.*

Scene 8: Ninja Principal's Office

*Hito Nome paces around the room while Krazy Dude remains in his seat.*

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line)

Hito Nome: Shut up! He should be here any moment!

*Darth Curry warps into the chair behind the desk. The chair spins around to reveal him.*

Darth Curry: Darth Curry, at your service!

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line involving recognizing Curry)

Hito Nome: There he is! The pirate you've been looking for.

Darth Curry: No no no! This is not Stampede! This guy's trash!

Hito Nome: What? You lied to me?

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line)

Darth Curry: Sensei already sent her men to kill the other pirates, didn't she?

Hito Nome: Yeah…

*Darth Curry runs off.*

Darth Curry: Then I better make sure they save me some Stampede!

*That Krazy Dude runs off.*

That Krazy Dude: (improvised line)

*Hito Nome runs off in pursuit of That Krazy Duuuuuuude.*

Hito Nome: Hey, get back here!

Scene 8: Hallway outside Sensei's

*Curry rushes through hallway towards Sensei's room. He finally stops and looks down. He looks back and forth from the door to Sensei's room to the men's room several times. Finally he dashes into the bathroom.*

Part A

*The three are still fighting off ninjas. That Krazy Dude arrives and begins to fight off ninjas alongside Stampede.*

Stampede: Krazy, you're alive!

That Krazy Dude: (improvised dialogue)

Stampede: Hey Krazy, have you ever had that feeling… that your irrational hatred for a fellow crewmate is suddenly mutating into love?

That Krazy Dude: (improvised dialogue)

Stampede: Yeah? Then what should I do?

That Krazy Dude: W- (NOPE JUST KIDDING MORE IMPROVISED DIALOGUE)

*Stampede nods sternly.*

Part B

*Darth Curry and Hito Nome barge in.*

Hito Nome: Alright! Class is over!

Darth Curry: Hand over your Stampede, and we'll pay all expenses for your funerals! We'll even book the singer of your choice!

White Panther: No, it's too risky.

Rudolph: Can you get Rakim y Ken-y? Er… I mean, no way evildoers!

Darth Curry: Then this is the end for most of you!

*Stampede and White Panther look at each other, and they passionately high-five each other in slow motion.*

*That Krazy Dude goes over to the doubledoor (leading to the cafeteria) or the hidden doorway to Alban's if we can.*

That Krazy Dude: (urges others to escape)

Rudolph: I was built to never retreat!

*Rudolph retreats through the door. White Panther goes through followed by Stampede. However, Curry grabs Stampede by the arm and pulls him back.*

Stampede: What do you want, Curry?

Darth Curry: Come with us, The Guz! We can make you a true American hero! Look at this mangy band of pirates! You're all falling apart! But on our side, you make a real name for yourself!

*Stampede looks back towards White Panther, who has peeked back through the door.*

Darth Curry: Come on, The Guz!

Stampede: Don't call me that name.

*Stampede retreats as well. Darth Curry begins to pursue, but That Krazy Dude closes the door and blocks his path. He raises his broom and plants it in the ground.*

That Krazy Dude: You… shall not… pass!

Darth Curry: Fine then, we'll do this the hard way!

Hito Nome: (offscreen) No!

*Hito Nome approaches.*

Hito Nome: Leave him to me!

Scene 10: Outside

*Stampede, White Panther and Rudolph all reach outside and rest.*

Stampede: We're finally safe from those ninja freaks…

White Panther: I hope Krazy's okay.

Rudolph: I have failed you all. I am only half the man I was programmed to be…

*Que Pasa, Edwin and Mini-Myself run up.*

Edwin: Watch out!

*Robo-Scruffy appears.*

Robo-Scruffy: Targets sighted. Prepare to be destroyed.

Rudolph: No wait… Everyone behind me. This is my purpose.

*Rudolph approaches Robo-Scruffy, and the two box in slow motion. Cut between this battle and next scene's battle. Eventually Robo-Scruffy is worn down and slowly collapses.*

Robo-Scruffy: Arooooo….

*Everyone runs up to Rudolph and cheers.*

Scene 11: Sensei's Room

*That Krazy Dude and Hito Nome face off.*

That Krazy Dude and Hito Nome: (improvised exchange)

*That Krazy Dude spins his mop around in a circle.*

That Krazy Dude: I activate my Janitorial Mop-Wheel Eye!

*That Krazy Dude and Hito Nome clash furiously. Suddenly everything goes in slow motion while dramatic music plays. Sensei appears behind That Krazy Dude wielding a blade and stabs That Krazy Dude in the back. That Krazy Dude continues to fight regardless. But Hito Nome keeps on pulling out sharp things and stabbing him in various places until he collapses.*

That Krazy Dude: (improvised last words)

Scene 12: Outside

*Stampede, White Panther, Rudolph, Que Pasa, Edwin and Mini-Myself lounge around the remains of Robo-Scruff.*

Que Pasa: So did you find out if those dirty ninjas had anything to do with our missing pirates?

Stampede: …No. But we did meet another old friend there. Curry.

Que Pasa: Curry! His very name spices my blood! …Who is he again?

Edwin: Our old crewmate who turned evil.

Mini-Myself: Hey guys, it's Valentine's Day.

Que Pasa: Oh yeah… normally at this time of year we'd all be taking Siren out on a date… Now what are we gonna do?

Rudolph: Hold on! My sonar is detecting something hidden within Robo-Scruffy.

*Rudolph kneels in front of Robo-Scruffy. Various mechanical noises are heard, and he pulls out a heart-shaped box.*

White Panther: It's a message from Siren! What are the odds?

*They all huddle around and read through the note.*

Siren: (voiceover perhaps with faded-in video)

Que Pasa: (suspiciously) Yeah… I will keep an eye on you Stampede.

Stampede: What's all this about?

Que Pasa: You're extremely suspicious.

Stampede: Whatever. I got a date now.

White Panther: (mews)

*Stampede leaves with White Panther.*

Scene 13: Parlor

*Darkness*

Morgan Freeman: (voiceover) Late that night.

*Stampede walks through the parlor.*

Stampede: Ah, nothing like a 3AM snack before hitting the hay.

*The lights turn on to reveal Darth Curry waiting on the couch. Stampede drops what he's holding in shock.*

Stampede: What the heck are you doing here?

Darth Curry: Just hanging around. We could use people like you on the Dark Side.

Stampede: I rejected your temptations once for today! Isn't that enough!

*White Panther is seen peering into the living room at the scene from around the corner.*

Darth Curry: No! These people aren't your friends, they hate you and make fun of your hair!

Stampede: Nuh-uh, and one of them is my girlfriend now too!

Darth Curry: Come on The Guz. I know you'll see it my way. By the way, would you like… (pulls out a taco) a taco?

*Stampede sighs and grabs his head in frustration.*

Stampede: Just get out of here.

Darth Curry: Fine, fine! I can tell when I'm not wanted!

*Darth Curry walks off. White Panther, unnoticed by either of the two, discreetly pursues Curry.*

Stampede: Finally I can relax.

*Stampede falls back onto the couch.

Scene 14: Random Corridor.

*More darkness with blue gels or something. White Panther tiptoes through hallway while stalking Curry. Suddenly everything goes dark and the sound of a net being released is head.*

White Panther: (distressed meow)

*The lights go back on to reveal White Panther trapped in net while Curry stands over her.*

Darth Curry: Ah, look what dragged it in the cat! Now I have all the leverage I need… Guzie Boy, your days of doing good are numbered!

Scene 15: Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman: Is this the beginning of the end? Can Stampede continue to fight off the dark side? Will the missing pirates ever be un-missing? And what the heck happened to That Krazy Dude? Find out all, some, or none of these answers and/or more next time on GCPA!