Story:MMEDDP Chapter 6
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Chapter 6[edit]
Jennings: Today, the Dubya camp denied allegations of subliminal messages being implanted in campaign commercials.
Connie Chung: In further news, polls indicate a sudden surge of support of Bush from the rat community. And now, we have a clip from a speech given by robotic candidate AlGore on the issue of school vouchers.
*Shows clip. AlGore is addressing a large audience*
AlGore: I am living proof that your children are not too dumb to go to St. Albans. Now, I need you to help me make sure that you can't afford to send them there.
*Crowd cheers*
Dan Rather: Also, we have just gotten word that Dubya's younger, lesser-known brother Shrub has agreed to lend his brother a hand. Now, there have been allegations that he is, in fact, a closet Luigi, but officially these are but rumors. The Florida Governor was unavailable for questioning, but a note sent to us that he dictated to his secretary read simply: "Here-a we go." We are not sure, as yet, what the actual meaning of this letter is, but we think it has something to do with the campaign. Peter?
Peter: Thanks, Dan . . . In other political news, the Presidential Debates have started, no thanks to Dubya. The leaders in the polls, the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party, have announced that they will join every debate, but there is still some paperwork for them to due.
Ditto: Will you turn that thing off?!?!?! We have to fill out this paper work!
Vorpal: But, but, he's the "Delightful Peter Jennings!"
Ditto: TURN IT OFF!
Vorpal: Fine, you don't have to be such a snoot.
Ditto: Let's see . . . party . . . Mega Mega Extreme Doki Dok -- Hey! There aren't enough of those little boxes!
Vorpal: Most likely first lady if you were elected . . . I'm not married and I don't have any relatives.
Ditto: You could hire somebody.
Vorpal: I know I call Dolly! (Gets Telephone) Hey, Dolly! It's me, Vorpal!
Ditto: well?
Vorpal: She hung up.
Lady in Red: All right, I'll do it for cryin out loud!
Vorpal: Really? Hmm, is your middle name really "in"?
Ditto: …Hey, why do YOU get the Lady in Red, huh?
Vorpal: C'mon, she's the only female member of the DDPP.
Ditto: There's always Monica.
Vorpal: ...Not... a... chance.
Ditto: harumph.
Vorpal: Now that that's settled...
Ditto: What now?
Vorpal: Well, we still have to meet the Quayle for the debate, right?
[A brick is thrown through the window, aimed straight at the Lady in Red]
Ditto: Hey watch out!
She moves out of the way just as Ditto and Vorpal run over and smash into each other.
Vorpal: Look at all the pretty shotguns...
Ditto: [Blinks]
Lady in Red: Are you guys all right?
Ditto: I think so...
Vorpal: What happened?
Lady In Red: Hm. Another note.
Deare Foolse, Ife youe wishe toe take upe the offere one the debate.... the time ise noe toe acte... ore else... welle, youe ville see... muahahahae
Ditto: That guy really needs a dictionary.
Vorpal: How pathetic! Do you think it's really serious?
Ditto: Well... he thinks he is.
Lady In Red: Either way, I think it's a trap. If we don't show up, they obviously have a back up plan. If we do, then they will ambush us.
Ditto: And another thing. Where the heck are we supposed to meet these guys?
[Another brick is thrown through the window]
Lady In Red: [Yelling] Hey! Didn't your mothers ever tell you that it's wrong to throw heavy objects at windows?
Vorpal: Another note here, I see:
The place? Hmme... howe aboute ae place called Rocketsvillee? Ohe, nevere minde... youe are outlawse there...hehehe... welle, there ise ae neutrale islande thate we knowe ofe... ife youe decide toe come thene ite wille be alle-expensese paide! We awaite youre response....
Lady In Red: I knew it was a set up!
Vorpal: Hm.. an island...all expenses paid...
Ditto: What are you doing?
Vorpal: Well, I'm game! I think...
Lady in Red: What about the Clinton's? You have to remember that we are running an important thing here and this does seem suspicious...
Vorpal: Then some of us will stay and some go.
Ditto: Think they will send your tickets by brick?
Lady in Red: Hold on. Who's staying and who's going? I for one don't think we should trust it..
[meanwhile..]
[a phone conversation]
Person 1: Hey boss! They could be falling for it!
Person 2: [on cell-phone]: Good. Tell me when they take the bait.
Person 1: Ah, but Boss, that may be a little problem Sir. Some of them are getting suspicious.
Person 2: Eh? Well, take care of them then! And make sure they get on that plane...
Person 1: I'll do my best sir.
Person 2: You better. I'm counting on you to do this.
Person 1: but what about-?
Person 2: Silence! Call me back when you have completed what I asked of you. Got it?
[back to ddp hq]
Vorpal: But first..
Ditto: what is it now?
Vorpal: Before I go I'm gonna see what Merlin says.
But, suddenly there is a knock at the door.
Vorpal: I'll get it! (opens door) Hey, what's with the ski mask? He -- mph!
Ditto: Vorpal? Who was it? Vorp? All well. Hey, Red? Wanna play Golden-eye again?
Lady in Red: Yeah, but don't call me Red!
Ditto: Yes, ma'am! *wink*
(several hours later on TV)
Dan Rather: We are here tonight at the 2000 Presidential Debate, where five candidates will be drilled, billed, and any other words that rhyme. Yes, the presidential combatants are:
George W. Bush of the Republican Party
Al Gore of the Democratic Party
Pat Buchanan of the Reform Party
Ralph Nader of the Green Party
And
Vorpal of the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party
With Neo Vej as debate moderator.
Stay tuned for the most exiting debate of the millenium!
(goes to commercial)
Backstage-
Lady in Red: Okay, are you ready Vorpal? . . . Vorpal?
Ditto: Where is he?
Bodet: He was kidnapped about two posts ago.
Ditto: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US????
Bodet: You were staying at the Holiday Inn.
Lady in Red: Great, he'll be late for the debates . . .
Vorpal: *getting out of limo* Hey, that was keen! ha ha! See ya round! Limo drives off.
Ditto: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WERE YOU KIDNAPPED???
Vorpal: No, ha ha, no. . . you see, Mr. P just gave me a ride to the new comedy that's showing!
Ditto: What was it?
Vorpal: I forgot. Hey! Almost time for the debates!
Ditto: They're over Vorpal.
Vorpal: What?! I'm not that late! I was supposed to be here... *checks his watch* Whoa. Two days ago..?!
Ditto: Well, no worries. I just called up the Democratic and Republican Headquarters. I've arranged for a "Special" Extra Debate with Dubya and AlGore.
Vorpal: Terrific! But... how'd you swing that?
Ditto: ...I let them design the format.
Vorpal: Oh. What's the format? Face-to-face? Podiums?
Ditto: Well...
Narrator: Suddenly, the scene switches. Vorpal is standing in a wire mesh corner, with tons of lights and crowds roaring.
Vorpal: CAGE MATCH?~!
Ditto: *ringside* It's all they'd agree to.
Vorpal: ...
Jay Resop: It's Death-match time!
Poser: Again? Is this Peach vs. Daisy vs. Pauline?
Jay: Nope! This time, it's political!
And in the purple corner... Wearing the purple and black body armor, Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party Candidate, Vorpal, "The Panik"... er... Vorpal!
- crowd cheers*
Poser: ...and in the Earth-tone corner, the man with the hair that could deflect bullets, Albert "Al" Gooooore!
AlGore: I'm gonna break you like a tie vote in the Senate!
Resop: ...And in the Blue Corner... Wearing the Cowboy hat and Boots, George "The Executioner" Buuuush!
Dubya: Fuzzy math! Fuzzy math!
Quayle: *ringside* Not yet, Governor, not yet.
Resop: Tonight, we bring you a historical political debate. The candidate's will field questions while dishing out punishment! Truly, this will be the most exciting public face off ever! And now... LLLLLLLet's Get Ready to Ruuummmmmmmmbllllllllle!
*ding*
Audience member: Mr. Vice President, how do you feel about abortion?
AlGore: Pro-Choice. Allow me to demonstrate. Dubya, pick a hand.
Dubya: Uh, left.
WHAM!
AM: I see.
Dubya: All right, that's it. Time to pack your scrawny butt back to St. Albans!
AlGore: Bring it on, you Grammar-Grinding greenhorn!
Dubya: Hey! Look! There's a crying Indian!
AlGore: Where? *turns around*
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
Dubya: This' how we settle thangs in Texas!
*Kicks AlGore*
AlGore: Ouch! Watch the spurs!
Dubya: Now, looks like it's time for the "Death Penalty!"
*Suddenly, AlGore flips over*
AlGore: Here's a little something I learned at the Sierra Club!
*grabs Dubya in a hip-lock and throws him over*
AlGore: Take THIS!
*Grabs Dubya in a chokehold and begins pressing into his neck*
Dubya: Grrr. Did you "invent" that one too?
AlGore: Nope. I learned it while being held in a Vietnamese Prison Camp.
Dubya: Was that before or after you were under fire that never existed? Or when your mom sang you to sleep with a song that wasn't written until 20 years later?
AlGore: Oh yeah, I forgot. *releases him*
Dubya: Now, allow me to demonstrate my special move!
*grabs AlGore in a headlock*
It's called, "The Social Security Savings Hold!" I'll let you out in 20 years!
Jay: Uh-oh looks like Al Gore's in trouble.
Poser: Prison camp. Does that mean he was a P.O.-Dubya?
Jay: …
*AlGore slips out of his headlock. Dubya looks at him amazed.*
Dubya: How- how did you get out?
AlGore: Simple! Your plan only works for the top 1% tax bracket!
Dubya: D'oh.
*Meanwhile, back in the purple corner*
Ditto: Well, Vorp? Shouldn't you be doin' somethin?
Vorpal: Nah. They're doin' just fine.
Lady in Red: Good show.
*Meanwhile, outside the Debates, we see Ralph Natureboy arguing with a guard. He is all scrawny but wearing a green spandex costume with an "N" on it, with a green mask and green tights*
Natureboy: But, I got a ticket!
Guard: Awww. Did a Tree Spirit give it to you?
Natureboy: ...And what if it did?
Guard: Beat it, nutcase.
Vorpal suddenly has the wild idea to actually do something!
Vorpal: Wait, no I didn't! I'm gonna stay right here!
Ditto: Oh, no you're not!
Ditto takes a red-hot poker and jabs Vorpal with it.
Vorpal: Yeouch!
Vorpal jumps directly into the back of AlGore. They both collapse to the floor.
Dubya: As we say in Texas, "The sky's the limit!"
Dubya climbs the cage and then body slams Vorpal and AlGore.
Vorpal: Are you sure they only said it in Texas, because I've heard it in Missouri, too.
Dubya: . . . Shut up!
Dubya kicks Vorpal in the face.
Vorpal: I thought you said you weren't going to use personal attacks!
AlGore: He did, but I don't lie like that.
Orlando: AlGore is floating in the air!
AlGore: Hey! What’s happening to me?
Vorpal: Ha, You're full of hot air!
Dubya: bad pun. -.-()
Vorpal: So?
Dubya: well, I . . .
Vorpal: IT DOESN'T MATTER!
Dubya: Hey, the Rock's a Republican! (he really is) Only I can use that!
Vorpal: It doesn't matter if the Rock's a Republican, if you smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, what the Vorp is cookin'!!!!
Poser: Vorpal throws Dubya into AlGore and they both fall to the floor.
Poser: Oh what's this? It's the People's Elbow performed by what may be the People's Choice!
Orlando: *rolls eyes* Hilarious.
Poser: ...
The crowd cheers!
Off stage-- That Delightful Peter Jennings: So, How do you like the outcome of that?
Dan Rather: I don't know, Peter, it didn't seem to me that any of them were really that aggressive. I don't think this changed many people's minds.
Koki Roberts (or whatever): I agree with Dan, not much time was spent on the issues that matter to what the polls say that American's say is important.
Jennings: Now, we go to our group of undecided voters and see their reactions. The screen shows a whole bunch of people shouting: Vorpal! Vorpal! Vorpal! Vorpal!
Jennings: Yep, it didn't change anybody's mind.
In the locker room--
Ditto: You did great out there!
Vorpal: I did? Well, now it's time to take my message out to the people.
Ditto: When have you ever done that?
| Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik |
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