Story:MMEDDP Chapter 7
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Chapter 7[edit]
Chapter 12: Got Platform?
Ditto: What did you say?!?
Vorpal: I wanna take my message to the people. *SLAP!*
Vorpal: Thanks, man... It's the climate of Washington, I guess... It gets into yer blood, makes you wanna do weird things...
Lady in Red: Actually, I don't think it may be a bad idea. He couldn't do any worse than those other wing nuts.
Ditto: All right, all right...
~Later~
Tom Bodett: ...
Ditto: C'mon, Tom! Just do the seg-way!
Tom Bodett: Forget it. I done been stabbed in the back.
Ditto: Fine, fine. You can include a plug for Motel 6.
Tom Bodett: *grins* ...And so, Vorpal set out on that long, winding, dusty Campaign Trail, with nothin' but a few two-by-fours of imagination, and the nails of determination, with which to build a platform of his very own, from which to spread his message from the purple mountains to the shinin' sea. For far beyond the hustle n' bustle of the big city, out beyond the wind dancin' o'er the amber waves of grain, his mind's eye beheld a nation of greatness, with freedom to all, a buck for anyone with a strong back, and places like the Hotel 6, where we'll leave the light on fer 'ya.
Ditto: Man, is that guy ever eloquent.
Bodett: And so, with the sun reachin' the midpoint of it's daily pilgrimage to the West, that young American forced a lump of fear to roll down as his throat, as he faces the firin' squad of questions from his loyal citizens...
Ditto: So, are we ready for this rally?
Vorpal: Some guy named Neovejitto wanted to handle it. So I figure I'll let him.
Ditto: OK. What else are you gonna do to "reach out?"
Vorpal: Well, people really responded well to that book about Abe Lincoln, "With Malice Toward None," so I put out my own autobiography.
*Holds up a copy of a book with a picture of the Lincoln Memorial, with his face superimposed over Lincoln's, and the title "With Malice Toward Pretty Much Everybody."
Lady In Red: *running up* Hey, Vorp. The results are in from the surveys we put out asking voters about you.
Vorpal: Great, what does it say?
Lady in Red: Well, 36% find the black body armor and glowing purple sword to be threatening. They're concerned you’re not sending out an image of 'diplomacy.'
Vorpal: Maybe I should switch to Earth Tones?
Lady in Red: *roll eyes*
Voice: BILL!!!!
Clintin': Yes dear?
Hellary: Could you explain to me why we are down in the polls?
Clintin': Well you see, it's the public. They rather go for cankerous teens who would rather run the country into the ground than a bunch of sensible adults as we are, dear.
Hellary: ...
Chillsea: Mother dear, I'm afraid I can't get much on their backgrounds. Ditto is merely a shape-changer as far as these records go, Vorpal doesn't have much posted about himself... unless we can get that auto biography of his... and the Lady In Red who is usually seen with them is just a big question-mark to me.
Clintin': A red question mark?
Both Hellary and Chillsea take turns smacking Bill.
Clintin': Yowza, that hurt..
Chillsea: I have also learned that Monica Lewinsky has joined up with their campaigning.
Hellary: BILL!!
Clintin': Don't hurt me...
Booming Voice: Fools! Incompetents!
Cheney: [in a small voice] 'Twasn't my fault sir..
Quayle: It seems our plans have run amuck...
Old Man: Obviously you aren't working hard enough. Now Dubya and Scrub think they can handle this all on their own, but Dubya wouldn't be anywhere without my financial guidance and support. Make sure that he realizes that.
Cheney: [to Quayle] He's threatening us. Is that good or bad?
Quayle: We won't fail you again sir. [To Cheney] As a vice president you have to be sure to talk sense into your running mate... since you are the brains behind this operation.
Old Man: [muttering to himself] I am surrounded by idiots...
Lady in Red: Ready to start the polls?
Vorpal: Do you think we can handle the questions?
Lady In Red: *shrug* It's your campaign. Whatever image you want to convey to the press is your own choice.
Ditto: let's see, why don't we start with that person wa-ay in the back?
Audience Member: Vorpal, how will you handle special interest groups?
Vorpal: I love special interest groups. Especially pitting them against one another. You should see what happens when you put the "Homeless" groups in the same room with the "Wilderness" groups!
Audience: *uproarious laughter*
Ditto: Anyone else?
Lady in Red: There's another one.
Vorpal: Ask away!
Random male: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center in a tootsie pop?
Vorpal: Uhhh…1,000,000,000. Next!
Random male: Hey, thanks!
Random female: Are you planning to enforce gun control laws in schools?
Vorpal: Absolutely NOT! I believe that our founding fathers had a clear vision when they made the Constitution. Everyone should have a gun! And two for those that go to dangerous places such as schools and public libraries!
Ditto: ...and Cafeterias!
["Of course the Forefathers meant we could have assault rifles. In their day, all guns were assault rifles." -P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of ******, 1991]
Audience member: How do you feel about the tax rate?
Vorpal: To taxes, I say we don't have enough! I believe that you should be taxed a whole bunch so I can make a lot of money!
Random Audience Member: Didn't you know that the taxes don't become the President's money?
Vorpal: They don't?!
Ditto: *whispering in Vorpal's ear* The next President will only make $400,000 a year after Clinton gets out of office.
Vorpal: (ala Homer Simpson) Woohoo!
Ditto: Don't you know that a lot more people will make a lot more than you?
Vorpal: Yeah, but it's more than I make now.
Ditto: Good point. C'mon. Anyone?
*tumbleweed bounces by*
Ditto: I guess the voters don't care about the issues.
Random Person: How much money will you use to fight poverty?
Vorpal: NONE! I think we give TOO MUCH to poverty! And for what? Huh? Why do we give so much to poverty? I mean, what has poverty ever done for us, huh?
Another Random Person: So, how do you intend to fix the school system?
Ditto: The same way he intends to beef up the military.
SSG: Points to a lazy, bored-looking kid in the audience.
Ditto: The way I see it, the problem here is motivation. *evil grin* The way it works is, any student who can't maintain a 'C' average... will automatically be inducted into the U.S. Armed Services!
SSG: Suddenly, a scary lookin' military guy with sunglasses and a broad hat appears behind the boy and stares grimly down on him.
Sarge: You ever wondered what it feels like to be a stain on someone's shoe, boy?
Kid: GULP! *runs off to do homework*
Ditto: ...And there you have it! Instant motivation!
Voice#1: Enough of this idiocy!
Voice#2: Yeah!
Vorpal: Saywhathuh?
Lady in Red: Looks like we have visitors...
Ditto: *yawn* It's Puke and Gore again. Don't they ever give up?
Lady in Red: Apparently not.
AlGore: Just "friendly" competition, folks.
Vorpal: Whatever.
Pukecannon: We're just here because we noticed there were some inconsistencies with your backgrounds.
AlGore: How are the people to trust you if they don't know anything about you?
Ditto: Where are you trying to go with this?
AlGore: For example..
Puke: Vorpal, killed the President of Norway!!!
Everyone: GASP!!!
Vorpal: heh, heh, It. . . it was a thing I. . . uh . . . did in my youth, yeah! But, I've learned from those mistakes.
Algore: You're only 15 and yet you’re running for President, when you have to be 35! Ditto: You have no proof!!!!
Puke: You're real name is Stryke!!!
Vorpal: Noooooooo!!!!! . . .
???: So you've checked up on them Cap'n Rapheal the Raven?
Rapheal: Of course... here are the stats *hands over paper*
???: Hmm.. yes.. ahh... WHAT!? Vorpal is running!? With Ditto!?
Dodo: That is right my liege...
???: Gah! I'll overcome this, I may be a sword, but I CAN beat that 15-year-old thwhimp!
Dactyl: *snickers* You need a Campaign Manager first!
???: Yes... but who would do that for the new Union of Birdocrats?
Dodo: Not one of us, we are but minions and NPC's.
???: Yes... I shall begin searching for a campaign manager! And this time I shall triumph over that rip-off Vorpal!
Rapheal: Bravo, my liege! But the crowd likes you to blab about how your going to make their life good.
???: How's this... Citizens...Ladies, Gentleman, Boys, Girls, and those in between. I come to you not as a man, and not as a sword, but as a voice. A voice that cries out for peace and justice. I admit I do desire power and wish to see Vorpal flattened like a pancake. But besides that, working together we can make this a country... a country above all countries! For as soon as my election is won, The United States of A-- A-- (Hey Dodo what was it again?)
Dodo: Asia I believe...
???: Unites States of Asia shall rise above the clouds and henceforth be called New Canada!
Dodo: Was it not Birdopolis, sire?
???: Birdopolois! Where all citizens will be able to fly, and the lower 'Earthbounds' shall be but our slaves! Poverty shall be no more, sports video games shall be no more, and purchasing ‘brains’ at your local Fingerhut shall perform education! Are YOU WITH ME!?
Dodo: Bravo! Masterfully done! And when you tell them you implanted bombs in their heads that will explode if they don’t vote for you, your sure to win!
Rapheal: Ahh! If only I had but a portion of your genius, Sire...
???: *cue evil laughter*
That Delightful Peter Jennings: And so, Vorpal and Ditto have dropped drastically in the polls since Algore and Pukecannon disgraced their names. In other news, a sword named Masamune has announced his run for Presidency. It's much too late for him to get on the polls, but he's asking for everyone's write in vote. His biggest promise: No more sports video games!
Clinton: (turning off TV) what?!?!?!?!? Now he's gonna win for sure!
Masamune: Ahh! This is all to perfect! We are scaling the popularity charts!
Dodo: Behold our new commercial!
Masamune: *Turns to TV*
Commercial---
Voice: Who do you want as the leader of our nation, their are plenty of good choices... save one! Vorpal, behold... *screen changes to reenactments of Vorpal doing a bunch of bad things* Do you really want a 15 year old brat to rule this country?
Woman 1: That Vorpal is a no good scumbag! Back in the city he used to be a mayor at, I was robbed in front of a hundred witnesses and he didn't do a thing!
Man 1: That Vorpal snitched me out of ten grand!
Woman 2: Vorpal isn't that bad...
Man 2: Vorpal is a scoundrel that doesnt even use his real name!
Kid 1: Umm.. Vorpal is a doopie-head!
Voice: Vote for Masamune! He cares about your needs, so give a hoot, or he'll give you.. *woman 2 suddenly explodes* the boot!
Another Voice: Masamune... a darn nice guy!
Kid: And Vorpal is a doopie-head!
Vorpal: Gah! His commercial ads are on all the TVs! And he's spreading false rumors and blowing up my supporters!
Ditto: Don't worry, I've been working on a campaign plan... follow me!
Vorpal: Whoa, dude, you've returned!
Ditto: I came as soon as I heard. Our old archenemy Masamune, eh?
Vorpal: Yeah. He's just running because he hates my guts.
Ditto: What's with you two anyway? Why does he hate you?
Vorpal: Well, one of the Vorpal Sword's previous owners was the one who sealed him up in the Masamune. That, and I never let him play "sheriff" when we played "Cowboys and Rustlers." Where were you?
Ditto: I assumed that with our incredible efforts, we'd be shoe-ins for Nov. 7th, so I decided to kick back and relax on my private island.
Vorpal: You have a private island?!?
Ditto: Hey, can't tell ya everything. Anyway, I've had something in the works.
Vorpal: Great. We can always rely upon you. What'd you do?
Ditto: I thought for a while. I figured out why people don't care about political speeches.
Vorpal: ...?
Ditto: ...You see, speeches are not only lies, they are the most tepid kind of lie. Basically, "I'll balance the budget, sort of..." "I won't raise taxes, if I can help it..." Snoozeville.
Vorpal: Uh-huh.
Ditto: ...So, I came up with... an INTERESTING SPEECH! Guaranteed to grab their attention! : *hands him the paper*
Vorpal: *runs his eyes over it* Hmmm... MAN, THIS IS GOOOD!
Ditto: I thought you'd like it.
Vorpal: Quickly, I must go and get this to the greatest number of people possible!
Ditto: ...TO MADISON SQUARE GARDENS!
*they run off*
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