GCPA Sidequests Part 8

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

Greco and Malk's Awesome Adventure (Unfinished)

by Que Pasa, and I think Scruffy and No Name made contributions, on May 4, 2006

*Mr. Malk is sitting at his desk and grading some papers when Mr. Greco walks in, and the live studio audience all cheers.*

Mr. Malk: What do you want, Greco? I’m busy.

Mr. Greco: Hey Malk, what are you doing?

Mr. Malk: I’m grading these family trees made by my History class.

Mr. Greco: I know the perfect way to check those projects and hang out with me at the same time! Follow me!

Mr. Malk: (sighs and gets up) This better be good, Greco.

*Mr. Malk follows Mr. Greco into the Geometry room. On the desk is a cardboard box with “Time Machine” scrawled illegitimately on the side.*

Mr. Malk: What is this crap?

Mr. Greco: It’s a working time machine I confiscated from the very same pirate kids whose family trees you are grading. We can go back in time and actually meet their ancestors!

Mr. Malk: …Are you sure this works?

Mr. Greco: I tested it about half an hour ago. You’ll see the results in a few seconds.

*The time machine flashes and spits out another Mr. Greco.*

Other Greco: It really does work! Hey Malk! Now to go back in time a half-hour. (hops back into time machine)

Mr. Greco: See?

Mr. Malk: What a cool gadget! Well, let’s do this thing! (grabs his trusty stick)

Mr. Greco: I see you’ve brought your own weapon. Hehheh… “Safety Not Guaranteed…”

Mr. Malk: What?

Mr. Greco: It’s a ytmnd thing, you probably wouldn’t get it.

*Mr. Malk and Mr. Greco both enter the time machine and warp back in time.*

Mr. Greco: We’re heading back to the time when New Jersey was an uninhabited land, explored only by pioneers. They called it the Wild Northeast, and it was filled with bandits….

*They exit the time machine and find themselves in Low-Tech Town, a dusty town for advanced people with connections.*

Sheriff Jeremiah “Duck-Hand” Frzlngd: Who do you two quesadillas think you are?

Mr. Malk: We’re, uh… representatives from Washington… here to collect a census of this here town.

Sheriff Jeremiah “Duck-Hand” Frzlngd: You’ve come at a bad time. Our town has suffered from various attacks by bandits over the past few weeks. I’ll have ‘em pinned in good time, though.

Mr. Greco: That’s good, that’s good. Hey, what’s that entire racket?

Sheriff Jeremiah “Duck-Hand” Frzlngd: Oh great, they’re back- the Jeremiah Cheesecake Bandit Squadron!

Mr. Greco: Let’s get out of here while we still can!

Mr. Malk: No, not ‘till we find the ancestors of the Golden Cheesecake’s crew.

*A group of bandits shout as they tear through the town, commanded by the great Boss Jeremiah Scruffy, along with his first and second-in-commands, Jeremiah Pasa and Jeremiah Shadow.*

Mr. Greco: I think we found them.

Jeremiah Frzlngd: After them, soldiers!

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Jeremiah Jebediah Wiley: yssir

*Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Jeremiah Jebediah Wiley is subsequently ganged up on Jeremiah McGroin, Jeremiah Name and Jeremiah-Myself, who hogtie him. In the meantime, Mr. Malk sneaks into the Jeremiah Cheesecake wagon.*

Mr. Greco: What do you think you’re doing? (Mr. Malk pulls him in)

Mr. Malk: Shh, just lay low!

*Sheriff Jeremiah “Duck-Hand” Frzlngd, who lost his arm in the American Revolution, leaps at the bandit’s three leaders.*

Jeremiah Frzlngd: Surrender while you still can, bandits!

Boss Jeremiah Scruffy: Make us, ol’ duck-face! Let’s get ‘im Jeremiahs!

Jeremiah Frzlngd: What? Why would I get me?

Boss Jeremiah Scruffy: Just these two Jeremiahs.

Jeremiah Frzlngd: I guess that makes sense.

*Jeremiah Pasa and Jeremiah Shadow leap at Jeremiah Frzlngd. Jeremiah Pasa’s Centennial Nose shifts into a cannon and blasts at him, while Jeremiah Shadows summons a storm of Native American warriors.*

Sitting Bull: I had dream. Dream of soldiers and Indians falling of horses…we shall win.

Jeremiah Frzlngd: Quickly troops stack up our dead horses into an impenetrable bullet proof wall!

*Soon all that is left of Jeremiah Frzlngd is his prosthetic duck hand.*

Jeremiah Scruffy: (leaps onto the wagon, followed by Jeremiah Pasa with an armful of looted babies) Good job, crew. We got some nice loot today.

Jeremiah Name: Have you not forgotten? We must prepare our offerings for THE GUZ.

Jeremiah THE GUZ: Oh, do not trouble yourselves men. In fact, from studying the historical tomes I know that we have two visitors here to treat. (kicks a popcorn maker open, and both Mr. Greco and Mr. Malk pour out with the popcorn) Mr. Greco, Mr. Malkowicz.

Mr. Malk: Gooz-mon? How do you know our names?

Jeremiah THE GUZ: After completing my adventures on the Golden Cheesecake, I reclaimed my demigod powers and traveled to this time, where they call me Jeremiah THE GUZ, Spawner of Children.

Jeremiah Scruffy:

That Krazy Dude and the Caravan of Courage

by Que Pasa on May 13, 2006 in commemoration of That Krazy Dude's birthday

*It’s nighttime at the Golden Cheesecake, as That Krazy Dude works overtime sweeping up One-Armed Willy’s vomit from the last time he tried looking at No Name’s face.*

That Krazy Dude: I sense something in the air- the signal of turtle warfare, home of the bagels.

*As he said that, Count Gonad snuck past him hiding within a man-sized condom. Gonad quickly snuck into the bedrooms of each and every one of the GCPA members with his own insidious plans.*

Count Gonad: I’m saying something.

*The next day, That Krazy Dude woke up following two seconds of sleep. He was greeted by Captain Mecha-Scruffy.*

That Krazy Dude: Ahoy, captain. Is it not a fine day, with nature and motherhood completely in proportion.

Mecha-Scruffy: Bee boo bee boop beep.

That Krazy Dude: What? I never ate the last tortilla chip, you swine!

*The other “pirates” arrive.*

Mecha-Scruffy: Booo beep boop.

Mecha-No Name: What the hell are you saying? That’s just gibberish.

Mecha-Scruffy: Yeah I’m just screwing with you.

Mecha-Que Pasa: Needs more Batman.

That Krazy Dude: Did you have a good night sleep? I notice you look somewhat made out of metal. And have you been drinking enough? Your voices sound strangely synthesized.

Count Gonad: I see you’ve caught onto me, That Krazy Dude! A pity you were up late, as my Doppleganger-Maker only creates Dopplegangers of people who are sleeping. It’s a weird machine, really.

That Krazy Dude: What the hell are you talking about?

Count Gonad: Simple. All your “friends” have been replaced with robot Dopplegangers by I, the illustrious Count Gonad of Dooshville! It’s all part of my insanely complicated scheme for world domination that I won’t even bother to recite.

That Krazy Dude: Are you kidding? These dudes look just like the real pirates!

Mecha-Nemo: (sputters and breaks apart)

Count Gonad: My Doppleganger minions… DISPOSE OF THEM!

*The Mecha-Dopplegangers all close in on That Krazy Dude.*

That Krazy Dude: (tears his shirt and sticks a knife in his mouth with a deranged look in his eyes) Come after me, I dare you!

*Mecha-Skanky Siren lifts up its shirt.*

That Krazy Dude: Hey, your flashing has no effect! (the roboobs fire lasers at him) That’s better… (passes out)

*The dopplegangers all pick up That Krazy Dude and toss him overboard. He is quickly found and adopted by a family of midgets, fat guys and retards. By day they work as circus acrobats, by night they are the exact same thing.*

Sir Hendrikson, Lord of the Fat People: We’re going to teach you to face your fears, like how I overcame my fear of high-fat products.

That Krazy Dude: Give me a child of pepperoni.

Sir Hendrikson: Consider it done.

*Cue a musical montage filled with every musical montage cliché known to man and some known to Darren. That Krazy Dude finally gains his objective of gaining 780 pounds and is finally ready to face the robots.*

Sir Hendrikson: (on his deathbed) Finally you are ready to face the robots… I only wish I could be alive to see you fight them today, on your birthday… son….

That Krazy Dude: Dad? (Sir Hendrikson is dead) DAAAAAAAAAAAD!

That Krazy Dude’s Actual Father: What the hell do you want?

*That Krazy Dude rides a motorcycle built by the retards back to the Golden Cheesecake. It collapses halfway there, but luckily a giant-ass seahorse that happened to be passing by and gave him a ride.*

Count Gonad: Ha-ho, the robot-dopplegangers have signed the deed to their haunted beach resort to me! Now I am one step closer to… what was I trying to do again?

Mecha-Lupine: Query: I need sex.

Count Gonad: Now I remember! I was in the middle of an insidious plan to replace the pirate’s robot dopplegangers with real people!

*Count Gonad swipes all the robots and wheels them away in a cart as he places all the real pirates back in their bedrooms.*

Count Gonad: I WIN, GCPA! (disappears into a volcanic eruption)

*That Krazy Dude arrives at the Golden Cheesecake, prepared for combat.*

Scruffy: Hey janitor, happy birth- (Krazy beats him into unconsciousness with a lead pipe)

That Krazy Dude: BRING IT ON, YOU EVIL DOPPLEGANGERS SO I CAN FREE THE REAL PIRATES!

Que Pasa: What’s up with that? (Edwin and No Name shrug. Then an active grenade lands between the three of them)

*The brunt of the GCPA rush at That Krazy Dude angrily, only to be savagely beaten back. When Siren raises her shirt, That Krazy Dude raises a mirror to reflect the lasers but instead reflects her own hotness back at her, causing her to pass out on Krazy’s birthday cake. Soon only Stampede is left standing.*

Stampede: You shall not pass!

That Krazy Dude: What kind of binary code is that? DOPPLEGANGER!

*That Krazy Dude and Stampede fly into the air and collide with each other multiple times until Stampede is smashed into the high pile of Krazy Dude’s presents.*

That Krazy Dude: Now to find Count Gonad.

*The party clown walks in, and he’s actually an out-of-work Christopher Lee.*

That Krazy Dude: BRING ME THE REAL PIRATES!

Christopher Lee: WHAT ARE YOU?

That Krazy Dude: I’m That Krazy Dude. Tell all your friends about me. (tosses him into the ocean)

That Krazy Dude: The nightmare’s finally over… (looks at the cut Stampede gave him, but sees wires instead of blood) No… no…. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The DeNiro Code

by Not-Robert DeNiro to the 3rd Power (Actually me, him, and that guy) Okay really it was the Captain, Que Pasa and El Fool Hidalgo (Lupine) but what do you care, huh? HUH? Yeah I thought so bitch, on June 6, 2006

*The GCPA is holding a car wash to raise crack money. All the guys are dressed in white bikinis and washing cars that pass by, along with Siren, the only girl willing to go along with it.*

Scruffy: Eh, they won't know the difference.

Que Pasa: Does this make me look fat?

Lupine: No, you make IT look fat.

Que Pasa: (runs off crying)

Scruffy: Come back, he didn't mean it! (to Lupine) You're gonna apologize mister.

Lupine: No way!

Scruffy: (Whistles, and old ladies rise from the ground, grabbing him by the omg moobs and starting to drag him down.)

Lupine: Alright, alright I'll apologize (vomits out his lungs)

Salama: (really tight bikini) Hey, how come you haven't let me clean a car yet?

Scruffy: Well Salama, it's nothing wrong with you. It's just that the customers can't understand your uh, uniqueness. Fine, I guess you can clean the next car.

Salama: No matter whose car it is?

Scruffy: Sure.

*Robert DeNiro's limo pulls up.*

Robert DeNiro (sticking head out window): I want my limo cleaned now.

Scruffy: Right away sir!

Shiny Stallone: It will be an honor, I'll clean your limo right away-

Salama: (shoves past) No way, Captain promised me no matter who it was, I could clean it! (leaps towards the car in joy)

Scruffy: NOOOO!!! (readers hear his voice echoing from the Ghost World)

*Salama lands on the limo, breaking it completely...*

Robert DeNiro: ...

*Then his bikini rips.*

Siren: Hmm... that's surprisingly arousing...

Robert DeNiro: (is hit in the eye with a crotch strap) RRR.... AUGHHHHH!!! (Surrounding by a golden aura, and breaks up the GCPA car wash center)

Que Pasa: Needs more Batman.

*The GCPA members all flee as Robert DeNiro chases them down and beats the crap out of them one at a time. Then he corners Shiney Stallone.*

Shiney Stallone: I'm sorry sir, I can't fight you... (His loofa sponge is stuffed down his throat by Robert DeNiro, and he and passes out)

*The remaining GCPA members of the GCPA all rush back to the ship, where Dreamer is assembling the other girls into a protest movement.*

Dreamer: Looks like your sexual exploitation didn't go according to plan huh- (an energy beam narrowly misses her) Er....

Robert DeNiro: It's time to end this!

Scruffy: NOOOO!!!! I refuse to lose another ship!

*Robert DeNiro flies down towards the ship, his hair on his head and back growing long and spiky. Scruffy leaps up to stop him only to bounce off. Robert DeNiro then flies through the ship, blowing up.*

Scruffy: Eh I tried.

Robert DeNiro: Consider this repayment. (tapes the ship back together and rides off in it)

Siren: I can't believe it! We.... lost!

No Name: Clyde?!

Clyde: I'm sorry Steve. You're not worthy of your gi anymore.

*No Name sadly takes off his gi and gives it to Clyde, leaving himself on in his boxers. That's right, he was wearing boxers under his gi under his bikini. The GCPA all wind up drowning their sorrows, and Nemo, in a bar. Then Frenchie overhears a conversation between two hardened French thugs.*

Hardened French Thug ..1: [Yeah, I'm ..1 and I'm proud of it! I hear DeNiro's got a new ship- quite the galle-one if I do say so myself, and I have oh ho ho!]

Hardened French Thug ..2: [Our titles are quite oxymoronic, no? Is he not searching for zee greatest of all treezhaires?]

Hardened French Thug ..1: [(French-kisses ..2 out of the blue and then seamlessly returns to his conversation) Oui, he wants that which can destroy him, the only such thing in existence.]

Hardened French Thug ..2: [This is a boring conversation.]

Frenchie: Capitan, I just overheard a conversation that you may find of great importance!

Scruffy: What is it, Frenchie?

Frenchie: Rahbet DeNiro has your vessel, and he is using it to find zee greatest of all treasures- vun vhich can vanquish even him!

Scruffy: We must find this treasure and use it to beat him! The safety of my ship, and oh yes the world, is at steak. I have to make a hard desicion here, one that hurts my soul.

Ms. Knight: What is the soul exactly, possibly a branch for hope to perch on?

Mini-Myself: Shut up you crazy old lady! (knocks her out with a pile of his bad essays)

Scruffy: Back to what I was saying, I need to pick the two most reasonable, responsible, and most....

*Que Pasa cuts off*

Que Pasa:...ugly!

Scruffy: Yes, to lead this mission. That's why I shall no choose these two candidates.

*Turns around and looks at Mini-Myself*

Scruffy: Too stupid.

*Turns around and looks at Stampede, who is swinging his Opeth medal around his neck and clapping like a little kid*

Scruffy: Too ADD.

*Turns around and looks at No Name*

Scruffy: Too ugly.

*Turns around and looks at Que Pasa*

Scruffy: Too all of what I mentioned before and more!

*Turns around and looks at a reflection of himself in a mirror, but fails to realize it's him*

Scruffy: And no way in Heaven or Earth will I ever choose a fool like you!

ADD: Um, Captain, thats a reflection of yourself.

Scruffy: Oh....continuing on (looks at the rest of the unmentioned crew members) Hmmm, I choose Dreamer and Lupine. I just want to let you both know that if you fail, the end of our Armada and possibly a part of the word is all your fault.

Lupine: I hate you!

Scruffy: Don't mention it!

That Krazy Dude: (with mop in hand) Nobody ever remembers about us. Looks like it just you and me tonight Stella.

Scruffy: How did it go, No Name?

No Name: (whispers what happened) ...And that's not all. He said he's coming for you next.

*Scruffy's glass of water starts shaking. Not noticing the misplaced vibrator, he stumbles out of his chair and jumps out of the third-story window. As he tries to recover, he looks up and sees Clyde climbing down the side of the building like a spider. Clyde rotates his head and screeches, then leaps to the ground and runs after Scruffy like a velociraptor. Scruffy quickly recovers from the bone-shattering fall and runs into the woods gasping for air.*

Scruffy: SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!

*Mr. T comes out of a closet wearing extremely tight hunting clothes and wielding a tranquilizer gun filled with tranquilizing darts loaded with milk.*

Mr. T: It's hunting time fool shoulda stayed in school. (runs into the woods after Clyde)

*Lupine and Dreamer head off to a French museum where Robert DeNiro was last seen. Various navy officers surveying the area suddenly explode.*

Lupine: Where should we start?

Dreamer: Maybe we should try the "Robert DeNiro's Weakness" wing of the museum.

Lupine: That can't be real.

Dreamer: (points) Lots of celebrities have wings built in their honor.

*Lupine and Dreamer examine the wing, filled with poetry by the world's finest, from e.e. Cummings to Emily Dickinson, about what Robert DeNiro's weakness could possibly be.*

Lupine: I see, you sly dog you. Ha, the captain'll never notice I stole his line. (drops down on the ground choking, until Dreamer kicks his throat causing him to spit out a poncho)

Dreamer: Let's check the dark corner that says "So Dark the Con of The Fockers".

Lupine: I've got an ultraviolet light.

Dreamer: Does that radiation make you sterile?

Lupine: I'll find out soon enough.

*They look by the message, and see a golden box in the hand of Mary Magdalene's skeleton. The box is labeled, "Robert DeNiro's Weakness, I mean it".*

Dreamer: What could it all mean?

Lupine: Hm, let's examine it. (pulls the box out of the skeleton's hands, causing alarms to ring in the museum and making the navy officers un-explode)

*General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley leads a navy squad into the room.*

Lupine: What's your special ability, Dreamer?

Dreamer: I find things.

Lupine: What the hell good is that gonna do?

*A navy officer rushes Dreamer, and she just sticks out her finger, planting it in his forehead.*

Lupine: Yeah, that'll work.

*Lupine and Dreamer get into a van and drive in reverse down a street while overdramatic choir music plays. Soon the van drives towards a narrow gap between two cars that are close together.*

Lupine: WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!

*They make it, and yes that actually happened in the movie.*

Dreamer: They don't have any proof that we were there anyway, and nobody will believe that idiot with all those stupid titles!

Lupine: Then maybe I shouldn't have written "P.S. Lupine Shadow was Here" in ultraviolet.

Dreamer: Let's check out that box.

Lupine: Hm, it's locked, and I'm not sure how to open it. But I know where to find someone who can- our old friend Magneto.

*Clyde is gaining on Scruffy when Mr. T comes from nowhere and tackles him over.*

Mr. T: Not today fool! (beats him around with the butt of his gun)

*Clyde immediately grabs Mr. T and starts flipping him around with a forbidden Judo art. Mr. T manages to break free and get fair enough to shoot several milk darts at Clyde, but the milk only makes him stronger.*

Clyde: Why don't you come to the Judo Club, Mr. T? We'll work you into shape.

Mr. T: Sorry foo, but T's only interested into beating you into shape- an unidentifiable one don't do drugs!

Scruffy: Mr. T, let me help you!

Mr. T: No, fool, go! (Clyde wraps his legs around Mr. T's neck from behind and starts to drag him down. Scruffy hesitates) JUST GO!

• Scruffy runs away, never looking back until he finds a village in the French wilderness.*

Scruffy: What is this?

Wind in his Baggette: [Hello, white-ish man. I am Wind in His Bagette of the Native French people. My people have lived here for centuries, and we thirst for the taste of totonka.]

Scruffy: Totonka?

Wind in His Baguette: (nods and holds up buffalo skin) [Totonka!]

Scruffy: Oh, you mean buffalo.

Wind in His Baguette: [NO BITCH IT'S TOTONKA!]

Scruffy: I feel like we're speaking the same language now. I will find you buffalo, I promise you. I'm surprised you still have your land, unlike the Native Americans.

Wind in His Baguette: [Well this is French land. Who the hell would want that?]

*Elsewhere, Lupine and Dreamer enter Magneto's mansion and find him with crutches.*

Lupine: Magneto old pal! What happened to your legs?

Magneto: Some unfortunate business, Charles.

Lupine: It's me, Lupine Shadow, remember? You signed my chest when we pillaged the world premiere of X-Men 3.

Magneto: You never visit your father anymore, Quicksilver dear. Oh where are my pills?

*Magneto suddenly has a flashback to his crippling. He pushes a shopping cart through a grocery store and sees cream corn on the top shelf, so he uses his magnetic abilities to grab many cans of creamed corn. Suddenly numerous anti-mutant officials appear holding cure guns and fire a flurry of guns at him, and all the cans fall on his lower body, crippling him like the monkey he is.*

Magneto: YOU WON'T TAKE MY CORN FROM ME AGAIN YOU BASTARDS!!!! (leaps at Dreamer, who dodges as he flies into the television set)

Dreamer: Mr. Lensherr?

Lupine: Just wait for him to act out his usual routine. This is how I get money from "Dad".

Magneto: Do you want some tea, Charles?

Lupine: Sure Maggie, I have something for you to check out- a metal box containing Robert DeNiro's weakness. Have any idea how we can open it?

Magneto: Oh, anything for you Charles. Hang on, I'll have this open in a second. (holds hand over the box and focuses while loudly grunting) URRGH... URGGGH... URRRGHHH...

Dreamer: Sir, I don't think that's working.

Lupine: You... don't have your powers anymore.

Magneto: Are you sure you saw what you sure? This box can only be opened by completing a puzzle of great difficulty. According to this crossword puzzle, it's a four-letter word for a flaming object. YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME X-MEN! (passes out)

Lupine: See, simple as that. (pockets some cash and silverware)

Dreamer: One thing I don't get. If Robert DeNiro was already at the museum before, why didn't he just take the box?

Lupine: Have any of our villains been that smart?

Que Pasa: I say we Batman him.

Lupine: Que Pasa, what are you doing here?

Que Pasa: I was hired as Mr. Magneto's butler. The other guy quit since the house is being "fumigated" or whatever that means.

Lupine and Dreamer: (quickly put on gas masks)

Que Pasa: Oh man, was so excited to see you guys here, I invited everyone here for a slumber party, even the navy! I made sure they knew you were here.

*Lupine and Dreamer run off, tripping over a pale man.*

Dreamer: Silas?

Lupine: No, an actor Que Pasa hired to play the Joker.

*Lupine and Dreamer drag Magneto to the airport, hiding in clothes and using his unconscious form as a puppet so they can ride his private jet to the Temple of Four-Letter Words.*

Lupine: Alright, let's split up and read everything until we find it.

Dreamer: First, I would suggest getting out of this old man's tight clothes. Stupid comic book villains.

*Scruffy, now with a wicked beard, runs back to the Native French camp.*

Wind in His Baguette: [I saw your dance-off with that wolf. I think we should call you Person with Distinguished Traits because of that.]

Scruffy: Totonka! Totonka! (points)

*The Native French all pick up their spears and shout, and they follow Scruffy and scale a wall to an open field filled with buffalo. They all scream as they begin hunting all the buffalo. Finally they hear someone yelling from the observation deck.*

Zookeeper: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR BUFFALO? (surrounded by traumatized children)

Scruffy: TOTONKA!!!! (beats chest)

Wind in His Baguette: [Learn another word dumbass.]

*Elsewhere at the airport, Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley walks up to the air control officer.*

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: Tell me the destination of Magneto's private jet.

Air-Guy: Sure, I'll tell you right away- (is decked by Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley)

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: YOU'LL TELL ME WHERE THEY'RE GOING!

Air-Guy: I'm trying to, but- (Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley starts kicking him around)

*Back at the Temple of Four-Letter Words, Lupine and Dreamer run frantically around and checking all the words.*

Lupine: Hm... foot? boot? Loot? W00t?

Dreamer: None of them sound very flammable.

Lupine: What about asbestos?

Dreamer: Now you're just being stupid.

Magneto: Hold it right there. (waves a gun at the two of them)

Lupine: What is this?

Magneto: Stay back. Drop the box. You see, I'm smarter than you think. I was the Teacher all along.

Dreamer: Sir, there is no Teacher in this parody.

Magneto: (sees a little girl skipping past and whispers to her) There's been a change of plans. Instead of killing all mutants on Earth, kill all the homo sapiens.

Dreamer: This also isn't X2.

Magneto: Shut up! The box is mine!

Lupine: (looks up at a portrait on the wall) No... (tosses the box towards Magneto)

Magneto: (drops the gun as he reaches out for the box) NO!

*Lupine quickly slices the central pillar with a powerful kick, causing the temple to collapse on top of Magneto while he grabs Dreamer and jumps through the window.*

Dreamer: You left the box in there! Now how can we defeat Robert DeNiro for the rest of the crew?

Lupine: I solved the puzzle. As I examined the wall, I saw a portrait which contained the answer- the most flammable of all substances- a baby. Then I quickly opened the box and swiped the contents with ninja accuracy before tossing the box melodramatically.

Dreamer: Well, let's see what it is!

Lupine: (pulls it out from his pocket) I can't believe it... it's a sandwich! A special type of sandwich I make when I watch anime! Hang on... a piece is missing....

Dreamer: Sorry, I was hungry! I didn't know it was Robert DeNiro's weakness.

Lupine: Then... now you are. The Dreamer, you are now the sole living weakness of Robert DeNiro.

*The Dreamer floats into the air majestically and starts to fly off. Lupine steals a hangglider to follow her.*

Lupine: I majored in hanggliding in college!

*The Dreamer soon flies towards Robert DeNiro, who roars and flies at her. The Dreamer catches his first, which turns to ash in her hands.*

Robert DeNiro: What... what is this?

*A blast of light ignites, blinding Lupine as Robert DeNiro quickly disintegrates into nothing. The Golden Cheesecake falls from the sky. Afterwards the Dreamer starts to fall from the sky unconscious, but Lupine catches her and returns with her to the streets of France.*

Lupine: You okay?

*Dreamer awakens, and for the moment a romantic spark emerges. But at that second Lupine sees behind her and sees someone sitting in the coffee shop across the street- it's the girl in his photo whom he spent all his life looking for. He quickly shoved her out of the way and ran across the street towards the coffee shop, only to be tackled by French police officers.*

French Officer: Zink you can just jaywalk whenever you want, eh you sick freak?

Lupine: No stop, you don't know what you're doing!

*Lupine is let out free... but after hours of filling out complicated paperwork. When he returns, the coffee shop is empty. Lupine walks back to Dreamer.*

Lupine: Er... let's just stick to that plutonic thing.

*Dreamer nods. Elsewhere at the Native French camp, Scruffy tries to shave his beard with his flamed-on hand, with not-good results. Suddenly his image in the mirror shakes and turns into Clyde, who leaps through the mirror and tackles Scruffy to the ground.*

Scruffy: YAAAAAH!!!

Clyde: (tongue extends towards Scruffy's forehead) I knew that mastering the secrets of the Mirror World would be my key to success! So when are you coming to Judo Club, ABRAHAM?

*Mr. T tears through the wall and tackles Clyde over. Mr. T now has warrior face paint, and most of his clothes are torn.*

Mr. T: No fool can escape the T-Man for long!

*Mr. T and Clyde continue wrestling along the ground, when finally the Golden Cheesecake falls from the sky and crushes them both.*

Scruffy: No! Mr. T! (runs toward the ship)

*Scruffy approaches the ship, when suddenly he sees Clyde emerge from the ship... only to see that he is being held up by Mr. T.*

Mr. T: T's done his job... I'll be okay, just gotta... stay... in... school... (falls asleep)

Scruffy: Well, looks like Lupine and Dreamer have saved the crew.

*Soon the whole GCPA is back on their ship, and the ship starts to take off.*

Scruffy: Well you two fools have redeemed your ships.

Lupine: So am I the new first mate now?

Scruffy: Hell no. In fact, I'm thinking of making Dreamer second mate instead, just because I can.

Dreamer: Theres something thats still bothering me. Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley was relentlessly pursuing us. Whatever happened to him?

Que Pasa: Oh yeah, we found out about him and sent him a surprise.

*Flashback: Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley is still in the airport when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and finds Siren there, still in her bikini.*

Siren: I'm all wet, can I come in?

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: I've been waiting so long for this day!

*Back to the present. The GCPA is leaving when they see Wind in His Baguette shouting from a mountaintop.*

Wind in His Baguette: HUMAN WITH DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS! YOU ARE MY FRIEND! HAVE FUN IN THE MAGICAL LAND OF AMERICA! EVEN THOUGH WE ARE ALL NOW WANTED BY THE FRENCH POLICE, I THOUGHT THIS WHOLE THING WOULD LOOK COOL!!! BY THE WAY DID YOU SEE THE LAST EPISODE OF JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED? MAN THAT WAS GREAT!!! IT WAS LACKING IN SOME PARTS BUT WAS AN AWESOME FINALE TO AN AWESOME SERIES OVERALL!!! ARE YOU FREE FOR BOWLING THIS WEEKEND? I JUST WAS THINKING OF YOU AND I THOUGHT, "MAN, THIS IS A GUY YOU WANT TO GO BOWLING WITH."

French Police Officer: (looks up at Wind in His Baguette) Take him down. (All his men raise their guns and start firing)

The End

The Semi-Last Stand

written by Que Pasa on June 18, 2006

Morgan Freeman: Twenty years ago. Mr. George Feeny and his friend, Bob Saget, looking the same as they do today, leave their car in a small Bayonnean suburb and enter the Siren residence, where they confer with the parents.

Mr. Feeny: Hello, Mr. Siren. Mrs. Siren.

Mrs. Siren: So you’re here to accept our daughter into your… “Academy For Not-Pirates”?

Mr. Siren: What about her illness?

*Bob Saget immediately pounces at Mr. Siren like life the hound and begins strangling him furiously. Mr. Feeny remains calm.*

Bob Saget: It’s not an illness!

Mr. Feeny: (tosses a bone) Mr. Saget, fetch. (Bob Saget leaps off of Mr. Siren and rushes after the bone) Can we speak to your daughter… alone?

Mr. Siren: Leave our daughter alone with two creepy old man whom I’ve just met, one of whom just tried to kill me? Eh why not

*Mr. Feeny and Bob Saget sit in a room alone with the child Skanky Siren, who was then known as Preadolescent Siren.*

Mr. Feeny: We’re here to help you, Miss Siren.

Bob Saget: Yes, Preadolescent. We represent a secret pirate academy.

Mr. Feeny: We’ll teach you how to control your powers. We know how hard it is to live with these powers.

Preadolescent: Do you? (lifts up her shirt, and the room is consumed by a blinding light. Then she pulls her shirt down, and the room is seen to be in ruins)

Mr. Siren: (walks in and shouts angrily) PREADOLESCEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!!!

*Stan Lee watches in amazement from outside as he hoses his garden.*

Morgan Freeman: Ten years ago. The child version of Stryfe Name sits in the bathroom, while his adopted father, Dr. Lipton, bangs on the door.

Dr. Lipton: Let me in, Stryfe! You’ve been taking too long in there, if it hasn’t come out yet it never will!

Stryfe: (hides tools) Wait a second, Father!

Dr. Lipton: Sure, son! (blows up the door and sees Stryfe whimpering as he is desperately trying to wipe off the mascara and take off the women’s clothing) Son… you’ve made the metaphor between pirates and gay people too obvious (Stryfe grabs his leg and cries)

Morgan Freeman: The somewhat distant but maybe not future. Captain Monkeyman Scruffy lectures at the Pirate Academy. He is now crippled and bald, after a shuffleboard accident.

Mr. Scruffy: As you see, us pirates can easily be tempted to use our powers in unethical ways. Like see this patient in a hospital. He was born with perfectly-good health, but he has no consciousness and looks identical to Mr. George Feeny our headmaster. Who would we be to put the mind of a terminally-ill man in that perfectly-good and convenient body? Monkey!!!

Gorenicus: For the last time I’m an ape! (vanishes)

*That Krazy Dude, who now has blue fur after trying to drink Pin Sol, sits on the ceiling while reading a porno mag when a Congressman walks in.*

Congress Man: Senator Dude, the time of the meeting is NOW!

That Krazy Dude: (nods, and reality readjusts itself until he’s sitting firmly on the floor)

*That Krazy Dude walks into the Senatorial chamber and meets with World President Arnold Schwarzenegger.*

That Krazy Dude: Hello Mr. President. How are the turtledoves this season?

President Schwarzenegger: AUGHH Zee Dude, it is nice to see you YAAUGH! I knew zis administration would get the better reviews if I gave zee pirate repreeeesentation in Congress, especially zeir janitor AAUGH!!

That Krazy Dude: Why have you called me here? Why are any of us here at all on this blue Earth and scrambled eggs?

President Schwarzenegger: YAAAUGH, look at zhis, zhis file from zee Lipton Iced Coerporation. Zhey have made zee cure, zee cure for PIRATES AUGH AUGH AUGH!

That Krazy Dude: But what is there to cure, the flaming pantaloons? I must take this up with my comrades in the area of Bacon Bites. (breaks through the window and swings from tree to tree towards the Golden Cheesecake)

President Schwarzenegger: Zat is the seeeventy-seekent window he has broken zhis week OOARGH!!

*Stampede, hearing voices in his head, boards his motorcycle and rides off towards a nearby duck pond.*

Stampede: STOP IT!!!

*Stampede vomits into the pond, causing a whirlpool to open up. Dark Siren flies out, then quickly dries herself and pulls some fish and ducks out of her pants. Since her shirt is open, Stampede puts on the sunglasses that allow him to see her boobs without passing out.*

Stampede: Siren?

Dark Siren: That’s right, Stampede. I’m back from the dead.

Stampede: You died? I think I’d remember something like that.

Dark Siren: Remember? I tried to use my boobs to hold back the water of the duck pond from drowning us that one time, and I found out the hard way that my boobs couldn’t affect water.

Stampede: I still don’t remember, I’m certain we were never in any situation like that in any way.

Dark Siren: (kicks him in the balls)

Stampede: Ow I remember I remember.

Hugh Jackman: lol try growing those back

Dark Siren: Now take off your glasses.

Stampede: What? But I’ll pass out from seeing your boobs!

Dark Siren: Don’t worry, I can control my powers now.

Stampede: (takes the sunglasses off) Hey, it really works. They look much better without the sunglasses, nice contro- (disintegrates)

Dark Siren: …Woops. (her boobs let off another giant flash, and a spirit is seen flying from the flash as she passes out)

*Mr. T walks by with his duck-hunting gear and finds the passed-out Dark Siren, and Stampede’s sunglasses.*

Mr. T: What the fool?

*The spirit that flew from Siren’s flash enter a certain grave, and Bob Saget rises from it.*

Bob Saget: Looks like the little girl’s flash all those years ago absorbed part of my spirit. Now I’m back in business! Hahaha! Now to restart my Brotherhood of Evil Pirates Who Think Of Themselves As Good Guys!

*That Krazy Dude arrives at the Golden Cheesecake.*

That Krazy Dude: Lo, they have an un-piratizing solution! They’re calling it a cure!

Lupine: No way! There’s nothing that needs to be cured.

Que Pasa: Haha you’re Storm. Your only purpose in this movie is to bitch endlessly like your actress.

Lupine: You know what? You know what? I’m going back to my trailer until I get more screen time.

Pink Ninja: This cure is stupid. You’re all stupid.

eLfa: (walks out in confusion)

*Que Pasa walks into the medical room and sees Dark Siren laying there.*

Que Pasa: Hey it’s that girl.

Mr. Feeny: Hello, Mr. Pasa.

Que Pasa: FEENAY!

Mr. Feeny: Yes, quite. Skanky Siren has been recovered. When I met her years ago, her boobs gave her powers greater than any other pirate, and her boobs literally had minds of their own. I had to place mental implants around her chest to suppress her powers until she could control them. Her dormant powers must have caused her to survive the duck pond incident by surrounding her in a protective bra until Stampede’s vomit freed her. Her boobs, which I named Da and Rk, might have gained control of her.

Que Pasa: Nice expositionary statement, Mr. Feeny.

Mr. Feeny: Oh you pirates remind me of the cast of Boy Meets World. I watched over them while I was their teacher and principal in high school, their teacher in the college they all went to, their boss for fifty years in the job they all took and then the administrator at the retirement home their children checked them all into. Good times, good times.

*Que Pasa sits in a chair next to her medical bed and starts poking her repeatedly with a chopstick until suddenly her eyes pop open.*

Que Pasa: AHHH

Dark Siren: Wow, this is the reverse of how we first met, when you were on the medical bed and I was watching over you.

Que Pasa: I thought we first met at a strip club.

Dark Siren: Hey let’s randomly make out.

Que Pasa: I don’t see anything wrong with that.

*Que Pasa and Siren start making out until Que Pasa pulls back.*

Que Pasa: Hey hey hey hang on there, something’s not right and it probably has something to do with the “Dark” that’s suddenly appeared in your name.

Dark Siren: Oh come on. My powers are greater than ever before.

Que Pasa: (picks up the sunglasses) What did you do to The Guz? (the sunglasses shatter violently) So you bought him ice cream?

Dark Siren: That’s it, I’m outta here! (drills through the wall with her boobs)

*The entire crew chooses this time to rush in.*

Mr. Scruffy: What happened?

Que Pasa: She was all like, ‘omg I killed the guz’ and then she escaped with some sorta drilling jumblies. But really, Stampede is one of the quintessential GCPA characters and he had been mostly neglected in the last movie, so what do they do with him in the third movie? They show him in like two scenes and then kill him off in a needless, untragic death scene. It’s a pitiful death scene too. Despite being the first X-Man and field leader… er I mean one of the early GCPA members and kinda the crew’s third mate, he doesn’t go down dramatically or touchingly in battle. No, instead gets ACCIDENTALLY DISINTEGRATED BY HIS GIRLFRIEND! URRRGH! …Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

Mr. Feeny: Siren’s old powers must be reawakening. I think I know where we can find her.

*Everyone boards the Golden Cheesecake and drives off to the Siren household. The Golden Cheesecake parks outside the Siren household, but so does the Deathticle.*

Scruffy: Count Gonad?

Count Gonad: Why yes. But it will be my master who will be doing the talking today.

*Gorenicus, Gold Roger and Darth Curry all walk out from the Deathticle, followed by their leader. A scary choir version of the Full House theme then plays in the background as Bob Saget walks down the ramp.*

Scruffy: No! It can’t be!

*All the GCPA rush towards Saget and his Brotherhood followers, but Mr. Feeny stops them with a mental block.*

Bob Saget: I’m just visiting an old friend, George. After all, I owe her my life.

Mr. Feeny: Don’t make this difficult, Mr. Saget. All of you stay behind; it’s just between the two of us and her.

*Mr. Feeny and Bob Saget walk into the house and find Dark Siren there. She quickly tosses away a candlestick and turns to face them.*

Dark Siren: What do you two want!

Mr. Feeny: Calm down, Miss Siren. I’m here to help you again.

Bob Saget: Oh, don’t give her your old man talk George.

Mr. Feeny: Stop it, Mr. Saget! I can help you to control your powers.

Bob Saget: He’ll keep you bound like a dog. Only with me and my Brotherhood will you be able to stand around and do nothing like in the movie.

Mr. Feeny: I did it for you own good, Miss Siren, just like the detonator I planted in Topanga’s body to make her marry Cory.

*Dark Siren screeches angrily as her shirt tears, and Mr. Feeny is lifted into the air by her boobs’ telekinetic abilities. Outside…*

Scruffy: Something’s not quite right in there. Let’s go in, GCPA!

Count Gonad: Lord Tang said no trespassers!

*Several GCPA members rush towards the house, only to be assaulted by the Brotherhood members.*

Darth Curry: That’s right, I’m back and I plan to be remembered!

Pink Ninja: So you’re up to your no-good tricks again, eh Curry?

Que Pasa: Let me in! Outta my way, bub!

Gorenicus: You’ll have to de-live me first, you oversized sausage.

Count Gonad: Will no one challenge me?

That Krazy Dude: Will not the turtle always sing in my hearts?

Gold Roger: I am Gold Roger! King of the Pirates! Hear my name and whimper like the dogs I impregnate!

eLfa: We’ll see who whimpers this time.

*Que Pasa and Gorenicus shout as they rush at each other. Gorenicus merely grabs Que Pasa and flings him into the house.*

Count Gonad: We were supposed to keep them out of the house, dumbass.

*That Krazy Dude and Count Gonad break out into a wild lightsaber duel. At the same time, Pink Ninja battles Darth Curry. Curry shoots a flamethrower at Pink Ninja, but Dreamer manages to grab him, pushing him out of the way while eLfa is busy with Gold Roger.*

Pink Ninja: Thanks… watch out! (turns them both invisible as Darth Curry rushes by spewing more flames in order to dodge)

Dreamer: Call me Ginger Snaps.

Scruffy: That’s it, do your captain proud my children.

*Scruffy’s wheelchair grows giant mechanical arms and legs, and then it fires a giant laser that scatters the Brotherhood members. Mini-Myself rides around on a skateboard.*

Morgan Freeman: Inside the house, Que Pasa tries to climb through the hallways despite the high amount of sexual energy holding him back. He then remembers his Millennium Nose and turns it into a cannon, then fires a grappling hook from it to help him climb down.

Dark Siren: I’ve had enough of you old man!

*Time suddenly stops. Mr. Feeny rotates his head to face Que Pasa with an awkward look on his face.*

Mr. Feeny: Did I remember to close the refrigerator before I left?

*Mr. Feeny is yanked into Dark Siren’s chest and explodes.*

Bob Saget: GEORGE!!! He was my best friend… so you still wanna join us, Dark Siren?

Dark Siren: Sounds bitchin’.

*Bob Saget and Dark Siren make their getaway along with the other members of the Brotherhood of Evil Pirates Who Think Of Themselves As Good Guys.*

Mini-Myself: Yeah, that could have went better.

*Later, everyone is gathered around the funeral for Mr. George Feeny.*

Lupine: Mr. Feeny was a great man, a simple man, who sought only to stalk young people and give them life advice. He was a hero to all of us pirates and an inspiration to all who met them. (lowers the crypt, which only contains a small amount of dust)

*The Dreamer starts to weep uncontrollably and is comforted by Pink Ninja while eLfa watches.*

Morgan Freeman: In the president’s office...

President Schwarzenegger: Teyk eeny meezharies you can to stop zhose pirates!!! I mean it!!!

Captain Duck-Hand Frzlngd: Yes sir. (does nothing of consequence for the rest of the story)

*Elsewhere, No Name is strapped to a table while Dr. Lipton approaches.*

No Name: Adopted Dad, is that you?

Dr. Lipton: I told you to stop calling me that. You volunteered to test my cure, remember?

No Name: I remember being jumped by guys in Richard Nixon masks who started beating me with baseball bats until I blacked out.

Dr. Lipton: You’re delusional son. All you have to do is take an injection of this modified version of our delicious Lipton Iced Tea ™ and you’ll be cured of your foolish pirate tendencies. Remember son: drink better, live better.

No Name: I’m getting second thoughts about this, Dad… especially since I’ve never heard of this before…

Dr. Lipton: It’ll be okay…

*No Name uses the Force to burst out of his restrainments, grabs a hang glider and flies through the window.*

Dr. Lipton: Eh it was worth a try.

*The scientists all start an orgy. Elsewhere at the GCPA headquarters that night, Pink Ninja meets with Dreamer.*

Pink Ninja: Come with me, I’ll cheer you up.

The Dreamer: Okay.

Pink Ninja: I’ve learned some special ninja ice abilities- just watch! (freezes over the fountain)

The Dreamer: Nice but devoid of any practical application.

Pink Ninja: Now we can go ice-skating! (freezes his feet and then starts skating across the fountain, then freezes Dreamer’s feet)

The Dreamer: Umm… I can’t move.

*eLfa sadly strums her guitar as she watches from her window. She quickly packs her bags and prepares to leave the ship.*

Lupine: Where are you going, sis?

eLfa: I’m going to take the pirate cure.

Lupine: Why? You have no reason at all to.

eLfa: Well it should be good for kicks.

Lupine: Yeah go ahead. And buy me any Infinite Crisis comics if you find them.

*eLfa leaps into the ocean and grabs onto a passing porpoise, letting it guide her path.*

Que Pasa: This is running on too long, let’s go ahead to the final part.

*The Golden Cheesecake heads off for Lipton Island. At the same time Bob Saget makes his approach.*

Count Gonad: You know we could have taken my Deathticle.

Bob Saget: No, I like my way better.

*The screen zooms out to reveal that Bob Saget, Gonad and Darth Curry are standing on a portion of the Golden Gate Bridge which is being held up by the Brotherhood members beneath it.*

Bob Saget: George always wanted to build bridges…

Count Gonad: Did you undergo this complicated plan just to make a horrible pun?

Bob Saget: SHUT UP DON’T QUESTION IT!

*The Brotherhood all raids the Lipton Factory and mess the place up a whole lot. However, at the same time Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley leads many officers armed with cure guns against the Brotherhood, and several nameless extras are curified.*

Darth Curry: Now what, Master?

Bob Saget: Hmm… I didn’t plan this all out beyond the whole building bridges thing.

*The Golden Cheesecake lands on the island, crushing all the soldiers.*

Scruffy: My bad.

*The GCPA rushes out from the ship and starts to duke it one with the Brotherhoodinites.*

Scruffy: Final showdown time! Are you holding onto your seats, children?

*Gorenicus runs through several walls in search of the main cure creation room.*

Gorenicus: Once I pick up momentum, nothing can stop me!

*The Dreamer trips him, causing him to fall into a vat of iced tea.*

Gorenicus: This is REALLY embarrassing…

*Lupine wrestles with Gold Roger.*

Gold Roger: Why won’t you join us? Our goals are similar.

Lupine: I feel like killing you. (summons wind magic that fiercely blows at Gold Roger until he’s hanging onto a ledge for dear life, then he generates electricity between his hands) You know what happens to a pirate king that gets hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.

Gold Roger: LAME- (electrocuted)

*Pink Ninja pits his ice powers against Darth Curry’s fire powers in an uncreative way, as they just shoot blasts mindlessly at each other.*

Darth Curry: You should have stayed in school longer!

*Pink Ninja covers his body in ice and bitch-slaps Darth Curry.*

Pink Ninja: You shouldn’t have left.

Mr. T: That’s right fools, stay in school!

*Count Gonad leads some more Brotherhooders into the Lipton factory, and they all grab Dr. Lipton.*

Dr. Lipton: Stop, stop, I just wanted you all to not be yourselves!

Count Gonad: My crotch itches. (flings Dr. Lipton out the window)

Dr. Lipton: (falling) AHHHHHH AHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHH AHHH AHHHHH

*No Name swoops down on his hang glider and catches Dr. Lipton.*

Dr. Lipton: You saved me son!

No Name: …I’ve changed my mind. (drops Dr. Lipton)

*Bob Saget flies at the GCPA, while spinning in a midair spiral with his tentacles twirling about.*

Bob Saget: It's time for revenge!

*Scruffy flies down in his wheelchair fighter and shoots wildly at Bob Saget, knocking him down. One of Saget's tentacles quickly reach up and tear into Scruffy's wheelchair, causing it to crash on the ground.*

Scruffy: It's up to you three now... to fight for the pirates... and make.... the last stand... (everyone kicks him simultaneously) Ow

Bob Saget: WE are the cure!

*Que Pasa, Lupine and That Krazy Dude gather nearby and find some of the cure needles.*

Lupine: I have a plan.

Que Pasa: I don’t care what you have to say or do.

That Krazy Dude: What we do as a team, we as a lawn mower.

*The three of them grab the needles and rush towards Bob Saget.*

President Schwarzenegger: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned AUGH AUGH!

Bob Saget: I shall plant my seed in all of your backs. (whips forward and slaps them all around with his tentacles)

Lupine: Okay, my plan may have some flaws.

That Krazy Dude: DIG DUG!

*That Krazy Dude rushes towards Bob Saget and plants his mop in the ground challengingly, then quickly spins around savagely, going apeshit on the nearby Brotherhooders before spinning himself at Saget. That Krazy Dude wrestles wildly with Saget's tentacles.*

That Krazy Dude: This reminds of the time my father tried strangling me with my sock after I misspelled "Happy Father's Day" as a child.

Bob Saget: Your depressing stories won't work on me, Dude, and you know it!

That Krazy Dude: They still make a nice distraction.

*At that time Que Pasa flies towards Bob Saget with needles in hand... only to be slapped down immediately. Que Pasa quickly tosses the cure needles to Lupine as he flies down with an elemental kick, cutting through his tentacles and going close to his body. Lupine lunges at Bob Saget, but Saget grabs Lupine's arms at the last second and holds him back from sticking the needles in him.*

Bob Saget: A valiant effort... (his tentacles take the two needles from Lupine's hands and shatter them effortlessly) ...But futile.

*At that second, Bob Saget freezes in place and turns his head around completely to see the third needle that was now planted in his back... after it had been fired from Que Pasa's cannon nose.*

Bob Saget: No... no... eh okay. (falls to the ground powerless)

Que Pasa: We have the technology. We can rebuild him.

Lupine: Do you even know what you're saying?!

That Krazy Dude: I guess that takes care of the Case of the Chemical Syndicate. (notices Dark Siren standing behind him) Oh shit, where did you come from?

Que Pasa: I think she's been there the whole time.

Dark Siren: Yes, and I've been having lots of fun sitting around and doing nothing but watch all you guys kill yourselves.

Que Pasa: Hey Siren, do you mind un-evilizing yourself somewhat? Things might be better off that way.

Dark Siren: Maybe...

*Dark Siren is surrounded by an angelic light, but just at that second a new wave of soldiers all fire their cure guns at Siren. The light immediately fades, and she proceeds to beat in the individual skulls of each soldier with her boobs.*

Que Pasa: Oh come on, you go crazy just because some dumbass soldiers shoot dart guns at you.

Dark Siren: Yeah, that is weird. You know what? I think I'll save you the trouble of killing me in some dramatic sequence and just be good again.

*Dark Siren quickly lobotomizes her boobs and becomes Skanky Siren again.*

Scruffy: It's a slightly happy ending yes.

Morgan Freeman: Scruffy's words were prophetic. Skanky Siren showed no more trouble from her evil side FOR NOW and retained some of her X-tra boob powers. That Krazy Dude spent a week in the bathroom shaving all his fur off. Darth Curry, instead of being forgotten, was. No Name's hang glider was lost to the wind currents for months until his glider was shot down by Mr. T, who thought he was a duck. Lupine became the new headmaster of the Pirate Academy although he could only teach there when not bound by the GCPA. Scruffy somehow recovered and vowed to be more important in the next sidequest. Then Mini-Myself rode a skateboard. eLfa decided not to take the pirate cure in the end and resumed her relationship with Pink Ninja. It was like the whole Dreamer thing never happened. Also, One-Armed Willy learned to ride the bike. And what of Robert Lane Saget?

*Bob Saget sadly enters a park and sits at a chess board. A little boy sits at the other end and looks excitedly into Bob Saget's eyes. Then the little boy is frozen in place.*

Morgan Freeman: The credits follow for about ten minutes, then there's the omg super happy ending scene.

Mr. Feeny: (wakes up in the identical body) Hello Doctor Matthews.

Dr. Eric Matthews: FEENAY?

Stampede: I'm alive too

Today on Maury

by Que Pasa on June 24, 2006

Today on Maury- My Transexual Pet Hippo's Son Might Actually Be My Grandmother's!- Sponsored by the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada! If you're feeling unsatisfied in the pants, dial 1-GCPA! That's 1-GCPA! Call now!

*On the ship of the Golden Cheesecake as it sails through a psychedelic time warp. Que Pasa and Karl are in the ship's gymnasium practicing their pattacake routines.*

Que Pasa: No, Karl! It's clap-clap-pause-clap-clap! We'll never make it to the finals like this!

Karl: Don't worry, we can probably beat Russia as it is.

*Skanky Siren drops in through from the ventilation shaft.*

Siren: There you guys are!

Karl: What is it, Siren? We're running on a tight schedule.

Siren: I thought now would be a good time to discuss our baby from the Valentine's Day special. One of you two is the father.

Que Pasa: Do you have to breastfeed in front of us?

Siren: Sorry, he's been there for a few hours now, he just doesn't want to get off. Anyway, we have to find out which of you two is the father.

Karl: No Name's a scientific genius. He could very easily run a paternity test on Siren's Baby to find the answer, and then we except the truth like calm and rational adults.

Que Pasa: Or we could let a talk show exploit our personal problems and make fools of ourselves on national television!

Siren: I was wondering what to do with these three tickets to Maury that were given to me by a creepy fortune teller! Let's go- to Los Angeles!

Karl: New York.

Siren: Alright then, you drive.

*Soon, at the Maury Show...*

Maury: Today's theme is, uh, Who's the Baby's Daddy? And it's also our Pirate Wench Special! Our first guests are from the Crew of Gorenicus the Damned!

*Gorenicus walks out holding a human baby in his arms.*

Maury: So Gorenicus-

Gorenicus: Captain Gorenicus.

Maury: I'll call you what I want bitch (punches him through a wall) So Gorenicus, tell us about that infantile organism in your arms.

Gorenicus: Why this is Gorenicus Junior, my love-child with my steady hench-wench. Apparently she has a surprise for us here. It must be good if she wanted to tell us about it on public television!

*A caption appears reading "Gorenicus- A dumbass gorilla who doesn't notice that his child isn't even of his species".*

Gorenicus: Hey, it's my caption! What does it say?

Maury: Um, let's stick to the show-

Gorenicus: Hang on, gimme a second so I can read backwards... wait, are you telling me this is NOT my son?

Maury: I think it's time to cut to commercials...

Announcer: Have you been impregnated by your grandmother's pet horse? If so call us at Maury!

*Elsewhere, backstage, Que Pasa, Karl and Siren patiently await their turn.*

Karl: Dammit, where's my script?

Siren: There is no script! This is a talk show, not reality tv!

Que Pasa: I still think we should have gone to Jerry Springer instead!

[IMAGINARY SEQUENCE but maybe it happened anyway HAHAHAHHA]

*Que Pasa and Karl glare at each other.*

Karl: Bitch!

Que Pasa: Hoe!

*Karl and Que Pasa leap at each other and exchange lightning-fast punches. Karl grabs Que Pasa by his wrist and tries to roundhouse kick him, but then Que Pasa's other hand grabs the foot and swings him into the chair. Karl then gets up and slams his fist down on Que Pasa's head. Que Pasa flies into the air and starts raining fire down on Que Pasa from his Millennium Nose. Karl forms an antimatter force field to deflect the blows, then flies up and smacks into Que Pasa, knocking him up into the catwalk. Karl lands on the catwalk as well, and they continue with a well-choreographed sword fight. In a remote winter cabin Frenchie discovers Christmas. After a sandbag is accidentally cut open, Karl grabs the sand and changes his body's molecules into sand. Que Pasa's attempts to stab Karl go right through the sand, then Karl leaps on Que Pasa and tires drowning him with all the sand. Que Pasa escapes by firing a grappling hook from his Millennium Nose in a narrow escape, as narrow as Boba Fett's escape from the Sarlacc Pit. Que Pasa and Karl then hang from the lights at the top of the studio while kicking at each other. Then they drop down and fly towards each other at great speeds. Karl punches Que Pasa right in the nose, causing Que Pasa to tumble into the audience, which explodes.*

Security Guard: Alright you two, calm down before someone gets hurt.

Karl: I guess I win.

*Que Pasa's hand raises from the fire...*

Siren: Um...

[END IMAGINARY SQUENECE or has it really ended? hee hee heeeeee....]

*On the crew of the Golden Cheesecake, Vincenzo sets up a television for the other GCPA members to watch tv on, then he marches off mysteriously and dramatically into the night. That Krazy Dude sits in front of the television.*

Scruffy: Call me when the fools are on. (runs to the kitchen)

*A Lawyer-Type Guy appears in a commercial.*

Lawyer-Type Guy: Are you being paid minimum wage but you deserve more?

That Krazy Dude: Yes!

Lawyer-Type Guy: Do you suffer trauma from battling the greatest evils of the universe?

That Krazy Dude: Yes!

Lawyer-Type Guy: Are you forced to clean up a pirate galleon in a depressing setting?

That Krazy Dude: Yes!

Lawyer-Type Guy: (eyes turn red) Is your name THAT KRAZY DUDE?

That Krazy Dude: Yes...

Lawyer-Type Guy: Then look behind you!

*That Krazy Dude turns around and sees the Lawyer-Type Guy standing there with a grin stretching from cheek to cheek. The Lawyer-Type Guy pounces.*

Maury: And we're back! Our next guests are from the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada! Please welcome... Skanky Siren!

*Skanky Siren walks with Siren's Baby still hanging onto her.*

Maury: Tell us about you Siren.

Siren: Well I'm a wench serving with the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada. And this bundle of joy here is from a drunken night I can't clearly remember.

Que Pasa: Tell them about the time you flashed Bob Saget!

Siren: You're supposed to stay backstage until we call you, dammmit!

Que Pasa: Oy oy oy (disappears into the backstage)

Maury: So Siren, you've narrowed the possible father down to two people?

Siren: Yes. The first mate Que Pasa, and the token black guy Karl.

Maury: Sounds hot. Let's bring them out! First we have Karl, who is basically what Siren described him as!

*Karl walks in and takes his seat.*

Karl: I can tell you right off the bat that I am confident I am not the father. That Que Pasa dude, I don't think he's ever heard of Millennium Rubber if you know what I'm sayin'!

Maury: And now the other maybe-father, Que Pasa!

*Que Pasa walks out, and everyone starts booing loudly. Que Pasa opens his mouth to speak only to be drowned out by everyone's shouts. Some people from the audience then get out of their chairs, pin him to the ground and smack him around with baseball bats for a few minutes. Then Que Pasa drags his broken body into one of the chairs.*

Maury: What's your perspective on this whole daddio business, Que Pasa?

Que Pasa: I'm not sure, it depends... what would I have to be to the baby in order for it to be legal for me, to, let's say I get a little hungry-

Maury: I think that's enough there. Alright Siren. Who do you think is the father?

Siren: I don't know. He looks a little like Karl, but on the other side he has tried eating himself a few times.

Maury: Would you like the results to your paternity test?

Siren: Yeah, that's the whole reason we're here.

Maury: Okay, good. (places an envelope with the results on top of each of their heads) Now beg. All three of you, on your knees, like a dog.

Karl: Um, are you sure this is humanitarian?

Maury: YOU BEG FOR ME CHILDREN!

Que Pasa: My legs are still broken from those audience members (notices that the audience members also tied a rocket to his chair. His chair immediately takes off and flies into the ceiling with him on it)

Maury: Alright, that's close enough. (walks up to Karl) Karl... you are NOT the father. (presses a button, and Karl falls down a trap door)

Que Pasa: (has just climbed into a second chair) Well that was exhilarating-

Maury: Que Pasa... you are ALSO NOT the father! (presses a button, and Que Pasa's new chair rockets into the sky as well)

Siren: What the hell? Who is the father?

Maury: Skanky Siren... you are NOT the mother. Sorry, I ran out of traps.

Siren: But... I gave birth to the baby, I saw myself, I was there!

Maury: Woody Allen... you ARE the father. And Sensei... you ARE the mother.

Sensei: Ahhh!

Siren: Bullshit.

Maury: (in the background Siren fights off Sensei and Woody Allen while Que Pasa drifts through space and Karl navigates an underground maze) Tune in next time on Maury for a three-part epic event, and watch me as I team up with Montel Williams to fight the combined forces of Lex Luthor and The Joker! Don't miss it, it won't cost you anything-

Lawyer-Type Guy: EXCEPT FOR YOUR SOUL... (holds up a snowglobe with a screaming That Krazy Dude in it)

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10