GCPA Sequel Chapter 7

Chapters in The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Sequel

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Chapter 7: The Man

Author: No Name

Darth Minica: John's so ugly...he's just ugly!

Greco: What's 25+9 guys?

Darth Minica: 34! I bet the deed to my house on it!

Greco: Errr! wrong its 36!

Darth Minica: NO! I've lost my house and my dignity as dark lord of the sith!

Feeney: The only time you should spend your money is to buy a house..not those little $400 Hondas...and college....unless you're like Rubenstein...who's paying his college loan...still....

*Malcowicz in the dark corner*

Malc: Excellent my ideal prison for prisoners who are imprisoned is working. Soon they will have to start farming to live...then they will be ruled by no government...just anarchy. Then I'll imprison everyone. EVERYONE CAN FINALLY LIVE OUT MY LIFE THE WAY JEFFERSON INTENDED IT TO BE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Darth Minica walking in the hallways having a flash back*

Edwin: Hey No Name can you hold my money for me? I don't wanna spend it.

No Name: Very well. I shall be your Hamilton and you my Washington!

Edwin: Are you coming on to me?

No Name: No dude. Que Pasa...! *pretends to throw golden dollar at Que Pasa in order to get a reaction*...look ugly! Hehehe you always were good at that.

Que Pasa: Thank you. I just want you to know I work hard every morning to look like this.

No Name: Really? I thought it was all natural.

Que Pasa: No No, everyday I smash my face into an ugly brick covered with ugly rusty nails.

No Name: Ah so that's your secret.

* In the desert*

Que Pasa: BA...T...MA...NNNNNNN!

Edwin: I know I'll just transmutate this sand to make some water.

Que Pasa: What time is it...NO Name?

No Name: Uh...2:15...how do I know? I'm the master of time.

Que PAsa: ARRRRGH! No! I'm the master of time! *Punches NO Name*

Stampede: I see Que Pasa's finally lost it. *watches Que Pasa swat air with fists*

Scruffy: I didn't know he had it to begin with! BURN!

No Name: Que Pasa do you think we have the power to shape our destinies?

Que Pasa: Well um..yea..I mean...

No Name: Wrong because if we had power then we would not desire it..which isn't the case because we're in constant search of it ..therefore we don't have the power to control our destiny...it is already predetermined and we cant do anything about it...

Que Pas: Uh...what was that formula for the slope of a line again?

No Name: It's Y equal m.......*illusion beings to disappear.*

Que pasa: NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!

Stampede: This reminds of the time Malc used me as an antennae in order to watch the world cup *flashback of GUZ-MAN being held over rabid hungry dogs between an alley way with a stick*

*Meanwhile Eugene Levy is in a backroom deal with Jefferson*

Levy: Sign here and federal government will no longer have power over the states.

Jefferson: I shall my good sir. I find you to give off an aura of trustworthiness and I believe that this can only go right in so many ways!

Author: Scruffy

*Elsewhere in the Faculty of Doom's Lair*

Noble: YON TWAIN THOU KNOWETH TO MUCH! Get them!

Sensei: Time to get serious, serious about kicking your uchimori!

Rafael: Well guys, looks like this is the end for us, take him first if you must *points at Patten*

Patten McGroin: Hey! Thats not fair *looks down sad and whines like a dog*

Mr. T: It's not over till the foolish obese lady who ate to much McDonalds sings!

*Mr. T looks around the lair, until he sees a low-wage immigrant worker plastering a newly made wall. The immigrant worker looks back*

Immigrant Worker: Orale compadre, no vas hacer lo que yo creo que vas hacer?

Mr. T: Shut yo jibba jabba foo'! This way suckas!

*Mr. T grabs one of the chairs which look a lot like the mall area chairs and throws it at the freshly plastered wall, shattering it into thousands of tiny polygonal squares*

Immigrant worker: Mi pare!!!

*Elsewhere in High Tech, Mrs. Brancato, grabs her chest, and falls onto one knee with a look of pain on her face*

Mrs. Brancato: My precious...

*Back at the lair*

Malk: Damn it! Now we're going to have to pay him for longer hours!

*Mr. T, Patten, and Ralph all run towards the shattered wall. Mr. T and Patten jump onto a platform below. Ralph stops at the edge of the hole.

Rafael: I've always wanted to tell you this, you all...

Mr. T: No time fool!

*Mr. T takes out one of his BFGs and aims it at the edge, causing it to crumble and collapse. Ralph and the low wage immigrant fall down and are caught by T. The BFG's automatic secondary fire kicks in and teleports right in front of anyone Mr. T sees as a potential target. Three green orbs of experimental unstable plasma appear in front of Noble, Sensei, and Malk and hit them, launching them backwards into the main pillar holding the lair up. Mr. T then launches the immigrant through the base of the Lair tearing the foundation apart and hits Mr. Noble as he is getting up.*

Patten McGroin: You did it! With the foundation and Main pillar gone, the base can't support its own weight. You destroyed the enemies base!

Rafael: Their holy sanctuary is no more.

Mr. T: We ain't out of this yet, we gotta out run the falling structure, before its kills us. We gotta go to T's van in B1 before we crushed by 10,000 pounds of foolish structures, don't touch my gold fool!

Rafael: You know the angry black man has a point.

Patten McGroin: You think! Run!!!

*As Mr. T, Patten, and Ralph jump from platform to platform to avoid being crushed by the collapsing lair, the rest of the crew face their own problems*

Scruffy: Pasa... st...op....choo...chooing on No...name's a-arm.

Edwin: That's your own arm.... idi...ot.

Scruffy: Oh, well then... it explain...s... the pain.

Que Pasa: I'm sorry, captain!!!

*All of a sudden Pasa is tackled by a jaguar*

No Name: I'll save....you.. *faints*

Lupine: Look guys, I found water!

*All crew members and the jaguar turn and look at Lupine. Then they pounce on him and fight for the water*

Lupine: Ahhh my newly surgically reconstructed face!!!!

*Elsewhere*

Mr. T: Here it is. Get in fool.

Patten McGroin: I wanna drive!

Mr. T: Soon Imma be driving my fist into yo face sucka!

Patten McGroin: Or you can drive.

Mr. T: It won't start... we gonna die!

Rafael: You know I always imagined myself dying while having sex with 3 hookers.

*Else-elsewhere*

Eugene Levy: With half of the crew resorting to cannibalism, that foolish ape and silly assassin about to be crushed, and the Alliance out of my way, I will be able to rule the world, FOREVER! Muwahahahahahaha!

*Ding*

Eugene Levy: Oooo, my empanadas are ready!

To be continued...

Author: Jebus

*On a totally unrelated note*
Jebus stood in front of a large round figure a bit surprised that the big man had called him to his 'office'. Of course this office was a dingy New Jersey trucker rest stop and the big man was really Ron L. Hubbard in an alien costume with a sash around him proclaiming the words Xenu.

Xenu: Now my child I know you have been paying your dues to me, soon enough you will be rewarded with the secret of Scientology!

Jebus: But I already know the secret. Those guys from YTMND ruined that a year ago..

Xenu stared at Jebus now, surprised and confused.

Xenu: Who are you boy?

Jebus: Im the brother of God bitch!

Xenu pulled out Dianetics book and began flailing it at Jebus before he was picked up by the demi-god and carried to the toilet. His head was placed inches from the brown water.

Xenu; This is blasphemy! This is madness!

Jebus: Madness..?

Jebus laughed for a few seconds, a roaring laugh of epic proportions, a laugh of the gods.

Jebus: THIS IS CHRISTIANITY!

Ron L. Hubbards head was thrust into the water as Jebus repeatedly pressed on the plunger, effectively giving the fraud a swilree. The scene goes slow motion, then fast, and slow again as he exits the bathroom.

Jebus: That was epic! Now what the hell happened to the crew..?

Jebus pondered what his pirate brothers could be doing at such a victorious moment, beating his longtime rival, the church of Scientology!

Jebus: Aww hell.. maybe I should stop being so lazy and use the godly powers of mine and figure out what the hell they could be doing... *Awkward Silence* Nahhhhh.

[So yeah.. some other GCPA-er figure some way to throw me in the middle of something stupid!]

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Lupine rushes into the forest chased by everyone else.*

Lupine: It's Lord of the Flies all over again!

*Lupine is pulled into a cave by a shadowy hand. He immediately recognizes the figure.*

Lupine: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Yeah, I was supposed to join your crew you nitwit! But I'll give your friends some food so they won't eat you if you let me join the crew.

Lupine: No way! The captain wouldn't allow that!

Lucifer: Fine then, we'll settle this the old-fashioned way! (tosses Lupine a fiddle) A fiddling contest! If you win, I'll give you the food and leave you alone... for now! But if I win, I'll be accepted into the pirate crew with YOUR job and call you an emo gay fool.

Lupine: Hm, sounds tempting... I'll do it!

*Elsewhere, the Mr. T starts his van. They begin wildly driving their way out of the collapsing building. However, Abbassi leaps onto the windshield and blasts a whole through it with his magic ring.*

Mr. T: Get dis motherfooling fool out of my van!

Rafael: I'm on it, chief!

*Rafael leaps at Abbassi and begins slugging him. Then he falls over backwards and kicks both feet into Abbassi's chest, sending him flying.*

Patten: Wow, his ring did basically nothing.

Rafael: That's because it was just a decoder ring from a cereal box.

*The van approaches the exit. Mr. I stands there.*

Mr. I: Stop right there!

*The van drives right past him.*

Mr. I: What... they did not... bow to my terror? (building falls on him)

*The group hears large stomping. They turn around and see Sensei pursuing in her giant form.*

Mr. T: I got a plan! Patten, take my good-luck blankie and do as I say!

*Mr. T stops the van. Patten runs outside and ties one end of the blankie to a lampost. Then he pulls out the other end and ties it to the back of the van, then re-enters the van. Mr. T drives the van quickly until the blankie is extended so that Sensei trips over it and returns to normal.*

Patten: Now let's get out of here!

Mr. T: No, go back out there and get me my blankie!

*Patten reluctantly returns outside and retrieves the blanket. Mr. G suddenly leaps up and is about to attack him, but is tazered by Meyer.*

Patten: Aren't you one of the Faculty of Doom, too?

Meyer: I'm undercover. The name's Meyer, Agent Meyer. My villainous roles have only been to test the abilities of your crew. You are progressing quite well. Now go, before the others come!

*Patten nods and runs back to the van, which takes off.*

Patten: Wait, weren't we supposed to save the other crewmates?

Mr. T: Good foolin' idea! Let's go find them!

*The van turns around and drives back towards the ruins of the building, where the remaining Faculty memories are waiting.*

Chapters in The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Sequel

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7