Gamehiker Member OG 8 Page 3

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Author: Golem

***

~Donkeyman encroaches on Sapphire's personal space with every mad swing he takes. She backs up step by step, parrying each blow.~

Donkeyman: I loved you! What happened to you?!

Sapphire: What are you--

~claymore strike~

Donkeyman: Was the one lifetime of happiness not good enough for you?

Sapphire: Actually--

~claymore strike~

Donkeyman: I gave you everything! ~claymore strike~ The Mariorockses provided you with whatever pampering you needed! ~claymore strike~ I waited on your hand and foot non-stop! ~claymore strike~

Sapphire: I really--

~claymore strike~

Donkeyman: But what REALLY makes me burn--

***

Siphnaaron: GRA-HA-HA-HAAAA... I FEEL... POWER... ~grows another half a Vorpal tall~

Masamuria: ~wearing a quiver full of swords, ready to shoot a sword with his/her/its bow~ I don't know if I can get a clear shot without harming AaronGuy!

Misty: So?! No one cares if you shoot him!!

~Siphnaaron shoots a tendril at Masamuria, who instantly releases the sword from the bow. The sword slices right through the tendril, splattering black pudding everywhere. None of the OGers are hit, but it does touch some walruses in the area. In the meantime, Vorpal leaps up and takes a swipe at Siphnaaron with his sword, but Siphnaaron catches the sword. The sword is engulfed in flames, and Siphnaaron lets go, dropping Vorpal--still clutching onto the sword--to the ground.~

***

Sapphire: ~sigh~ What really makes you--

~claymore strike~

Donkeyman: I was GETTING to that!! What REALLY makes me burn is how you were such an INGRATE ~claymore strike~ after I brought you back into the world ~claymore strike~ of the living! After a person comes back to life, they don’t realize the gift they’ve been given… or perhaps they do... they want to wring every last drop out of life that they possibly can, and don’t care who or what gets hurt… it seems to be a symptom of utter fear of death. Their fear of death--driving them to get as much out of life as they can with total disregard for others--overrides any love they might have been able to contain.
This is, of course, why my cruise ship is such a success. If anyone could remain true, it would be you, but…

~Sapphire parries yet another strike. Against the force of the claymore, she digs her heel into the ice.~

Sapphire: I’m not whoever you think I am. I’m a princess, my lineage is well doc—

~claymore strike~

Donkeyman: Maybe I just wiped your memory and sent you to the household of King Periwinkle!!

~claymore strike~

Sapphire: …King Blue. My father is—

~claymore strike~

Donkeyman: Whatever! ~claymore strike~ You’re close enough... I will take you in memoriam of her.

~Sapphire tries to lower herself, bending at the knees to change the center of balance of Donkeyman’s claymore. As she does so, she still holds her parasol up. Then, without warning, she knocks Donkeyman’s left foot out from under him, kicking it away. At the same time, she has one hand gripping each end of her parasol and jerks her arms up in order to throw Donkeyman over her. This fails, though, and jerking her arms up causes her to push her parasol to its breaking point—it splits in two under the force of Donkeyman’s claymore.
Cue slow motion mode.
Scrambling, she uses the hook on the end of her parasol’s handle to yank the claymore up and away from her while she tries to sidestep the sword. The handle provides a momentary delay but breaks almost instantly. She then claps her hands over the flat sides of the claymore and tries to push it away from her body while she continues sidestepping. She finally gets her body out of the way of the sword and quickly releases her grip on the sword, getting her arms out of the way of it as well. Donkeyman’s sword, along with Donkeyman, crashes into the ground, cracking the ice. End slow motion sequence.

Golem, finally back from wherever Sapphire launched him to, jumps on Donkeyman, causing the ice under him to completely break, and bounces right off onto safe land next to Sapphire. Donkeyman hits the water.~

Golem: I got here just in the nick of time, eh Sapphire?

Sapphire: . . . .

~Donkeyman continues to sink, plunged into the icy depths.~

Golem: If he wasn’t a villain, I’d be morally concerned about what just happened! But quick, we have to go help out the others!!

~Donkeyman, claymore in hand, swims towards his heart.~

***

~Captain Ditto expertly exchanges blows with Fred, Lupus, and Roy.~

Roy: All three of us combined can’t take him?!

Lupus: Do you find it suspicious that Ditto apparently was murdered, but then it turned out he wasn’t?

Fred: Yeah. Right around the time when Donkeyman shows up!

Lupus: And who happens to be an expert at resurrecting the dead?

Fred: Donkeyman, of course!

Roy: Should you two even technically know that?

Lupus: Word gets around. And then he gives out V-Watches, which happen to be the key to defeating black pudding!

Fred: Great timing! And then Donkeyman’s heart is made of black pudding? What’s the deal with that?

Lupus: I do not know, my friend! I truly do not know!

Fred: I guess he is just Captain Coincidence!

Roy: It’s a shame the V-Watches broke before the battle with Donkeyman’s heart began!

Lupus: Hey, what are you doing?

Roy: What?

Lupus: You’re horning in on our quirky dialogue!

***

~Sapphire and Golem finally reach the others, who are battling Siphnaaron—and barely holding their own.~

Masamuria: Hey! Do you two have any ideas?

Sapphire: It hates loud noises!

Masamuria: Vorpal! Tell her!

Vorpal: ~sweating, nervous laughter~ What? Tell who what?

Masamuria: If you tell Misty, she might shriek loud enough!

Masamuria: Vorpal, what am I talking about? What do you have to tell her?

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Luiigii: So, um, what exactly was the plan AFTER we set up the team? I mean, there's no parties to crash and the villains in this timeline are, like, the most powerful villains, period.

SteveT: Well duh. We're going to go and find more of these pudding-y things so that I can become even more powerful. Siphnitty tells me that there's a whole family ripe for the taking; the Saphnits.

Luiigii: You're on SPEAKING TERMS with it?

Evil Zombie Phil: It zits the zit of a pit of pits.

SteveT: Shut up both of you. Luiigii, go take a cat nap. Evil Zombie Phil, go steal a car.

Evil Zombie Phil: ~drives up in a motor boat~ Done and done!

SteveT: That'll do, I guess.

~SteveT and Luiigii climb into the motor boat and cruise down the street. Evil Zombie Phil suddenly slams on the breaks as he sees a Kohl's, sending SteveT and Luiigii flying into the road. They roll forward a couple hundred feet, at the end of which SteveT stands and starts pressing on the dents in his body. He waves for Luiigii to follow; Luiigii doesn't move.~

SteveT: Craaaaaap. ~picks up Luiigii and walks back to the boat~

***

~Luiigii wakes up in a wide field as guys in togas walk around shouting at each other. Amidst them, a man walks up in a tweed jacket.~

Luiigii: Stack?

Narrator: Yes indeed.

Luiigii: You're dead?

Narrator: After Lupus kidnapped the Party Goers, there wasn't much sense in hanging around anymore, was there? If only there was some timeline somewhere where Lupus didn't do so... ~exaggerated sigh~

Luiigii: So I'm dead too?

Narrator: Yup. That's why I was sent here. I'm supposed to lead you to Heaven.

Luiigii: This all seems oddly familiar. Did I do this in another life maybe?

Narrator: Ha ha. Another LIFE. Well, we've got nine circles of Hell to pass through. Might as well jump to it.

*Fourth Circle*

~The Narrator and Luiigii make their way down a dirt path through a forest. Out of one of the trees leaps a wolf which tackles Luiigii and starts biting at him. Luiigii kicks it off and draws his laser sword, but the Narrator grabs his hand.~

Narrator: You're already in Hell. Let's not make your situation worse.

Luiigii: He started it...

~The wolf runs forward, transforming as it does so until it is Chibi-Devil.~

Narrator: Hello Plutus.

Chibi-Devil: Wracked to the max of an extreme bike volley!

Luiigii: ...Everyone talks like that these days.

Chibi-Devil: You can say that again.

Luiigii: ...Everyone talks like that these days.

Chibi-Devil: You can--

Narrator: What do you want?

Chibi-Devil: To say what you won't. To do what you can't. To take care of those who stand in MY way! ~jumps at Luiigii's throat~

~Luiigii catches Chibi-Devil and melts him. Luiigii dusts his hands off and starts back down the path, when Chibi-Devil leaps out of the puddle and grabs the back of his neck.~

Luiigii: AGH!

Chibi-Devil: That won't work. Aside from me being an IMMORTAL HELL SPAWN as you know, I recently made a friend down here over in the ninth circle. ~sticks out his tongue and extends it past Luiigii's head, so he can see the red gem laying on it~ Saphnity here has the elemental power to control fire. Like that little show you just put on.

Luiigii: Saphnit-y, huh? I mean... AGH!

~Luiigii flicks on his laser sword and sticks it behind his neck, but Chibi-Devil clambors to the front like a squirrel. Luiigii swings at the front but misses again. And so on.~

Luiigii: ~looks to the Narrator while still trying to hit Chibi-Devil~ I'm dead, right?

Narrator: Sure.

Luiigii: So if I killed myself down here, what would happen?

Narrator: I suspect you can't exactly die anymore, so--

Luiigii: I'll just regenerate, got it.

Narrator: No, you'll--

~Luiigii stabs himself through the throat, impaling Chibi-Devil in the process. Chibi-Devil pushes himself off before he can slide through the saber and then writhes on the ground in anger. Luiigii falls over as the world goes white. Before it does completely, he reaches into Chibi-Devil's mouth and grabs Saphnity, holding it tightly.~

Narrator: You'll, um, go back to life.

***

~Luiigii wakes up in the back of the motor boat, neither SteveT nor Evil Zombie Phil noticing. He looks down at Saphnity in his hand, then takes out his laser sword and breaks it open. He takes out the crystal and tosses it out of the boat, then sticks Saphnity in its place...~

Author: Vorpal

~... which obviously is the boat!~

SteveT: What are you doing?

Luiigii: Sorry, still delirious from dying twice today, I guess. What did I just do?

~Suddenly the boat comes to life~

Boat: Woah! What is this feeling? I'm suddenly aware of my existence!

SteveT: Oh, great! Now we have a sentient boat.

Boat: I'm a boat?

Evil Zombie Phil: I want to speak in this scene.

Boat: I guess the next thing for me to do would be to choose a name.

Luiigii: Uhm... well... boats are usually named after concepts or dead people...

Boat: So, if I was named after a dead concept, then I'd be like... a super boat, right?

Luiigii: I guess...

Boat: ... Hmmm... a dead concept...

Evil Zombie Phil: Mercantilism?

Boat: Well, I was thinking more along the lines of "Fair Play" but that works, too.

SteveT: Can we stop talking, and let me have the Saphnity now!

Mercantilism: Wait what's that?

SteveT: It's what brought you to life, but I need it to become super evil!

Mercantilism: No way! I like living! *Engine roars to life, and Mercantilism zooms off flying for some reason, sending the three passengers flying back and holding onto the end of Mercantilism for dear life.*

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