Story:MMEDDP Chapter 3
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Chapter 3
Vorpal: Okay, now that "Kiki's Delivery Service" is over, we gotta work on the campaign. Let's ask our Head Campaign Advisor.
*They go to the lobby and put a quarter in the "Merlin-the-Magic-Seer" machine* Vorpal: Where did we get this guy?
Ditto: From the Green Party Campaign HQ. Apparently they fired it.
Merlin: *eyes begin to glow* You-will-find-wealth-and-fortune-your-lucky-numbers-are-18-42...
Ditto: Didja hear that? He said wealth and fortune! He tellin' us we need money for advertising!
Vorpal: Of course! What’s the current total in the campaign treasury?
Ditto: *takes out his wallet, and a moth pops out* I got $20.38, and a Subway card.
Vorpal: Hmmm... How many stamps are on the Subway card?
Ditto: Uh... 12.
Vorpal: I got 8 on mine... HEY! WE GET A FREE SUB!!!
*Excited, they run to the nearest Subway*
Vorpal: I just thought of something. We gotta provide food at the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party Convention. Where'll we get it?
Ditto: Hmmm... Wait! I have an idea!
Cashier: Okay, and, with the cards, that sub is free. *Stamps a card* You want anything to drink?
Ditto: Yeah. A BIG one. From that shelf WAAAAY up there! *Points*
Cashier: Uhhh.... okay...
*There is a rustling*
Cashier: One biggie drink, which comes to... HEY! Where did they go??? Where's all the Subway cards? AND THE STAMPER?!?
Tom Bodett: (narrating) And so, feeling like bandits in the night, our heroes hurried back to the Motel 6, where we'll leave the light on fer ya. (Plug)
Vorpal: *stamping cards as fast as possible* Who's that guy?
Ditto: *writing invitations* Tom Bodett. He's the spokesperson for Motel 6. I hired him to be our story's narrator.
Vorpal: Why?
Ditto: Because, he has such a familiar, down to earth voice, and he'll make people like us.
Vorpal: ...and...?
Ditto: ...and, since he narrated for "Me, Myself, and Irene," his career's been in the skids. Guess what he's working for?
Tom Bodett: (narrating) Now, those two small-town boys never did quite know when to shut up, and when it came time for--
Ditto: *quickly* Okay okay! I won't tell!
Tom Bodett: All-righty then. By the way, I want extra turkey and mustard on mine.
Ditto: You bet. *snicker*
Tom Bodett: (narrating) Now, little did those idealistic young office-seekers know that in the Luxury Penthouse in the Hilton across town, some serious plotting was going on against them, and by none other than...
Vorpal: Okay, what is it?
Ditto: We're gonna need people to speak at the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik National Convention. We gotta find some speakers that will grab attention.
Vorpal: Brilliant! We'll compile lists and hold interviews!
Tom Bodett: And interview they did. And can't anybody say that by the end of the day, those two young fellers hadn't amassed a wide array of interesting national figures. But, as always, the villains were formulating their own cunning strategies...
Gore: We'll just have to make those boys disappear, Washington Style! *Takes out a black, uniform looking cell-phone* Division Six, please. Yes, we need those two removed. Beautiful. See ya.
Pukecannon: Who was that?
AlGore: Division Six.
Pukecannon: Division Six? I know of no Division Six!
AlGore: Quite right. You see, it's something only the President and I know about.
*Suddenly, the door opens and two men walk in wearing black suits and ties, with black sunglasses and formal manners*
AlGore: Meet... the Men in Black.
J: You sure these guys is aliens?
K: You ask too many questions, kid.
*AlGore smiles at Pukecannon*
~ Meanwhile ~
Ditto: Okay, MMEDDPNC checklist. Lobby reservations?
Vorpal: Check.
Ditto: Food arrangements?
Vorpal: *Holding up stacks and stacks of stamped Subway cards* Check.
Ditto: And what guest speakers do we have lined up?
Vorpal: Lesse... Fred Rogers, with his "Oh, Won't You Be My Neighbor" speech on community activities... Ross Perot on economics, and ...Monica Lewinsky on public relations.
Monica: Well, I never!
Vorpal: *raising an eyebrow* That's not the word on the street.
Ditto: What do we need to do now?
Vorpal: I get a weird feeling that at some point or another, we're gonna have to spend some money during this campaign, and we should be raising some bucks!
Ditto: But, how...*light bulb shines over his head* Bake sale!
Vorpal: Come and eat our snacks! Fifty cents for the marshmallow squares! Then listen to "Weird Al" Yankovic!
Ditto: Free pretzels!
Vorpal: Free?
Ditto: Water is $25 a glass.
Vorpal: Put extra salt on them.
Nader: That is it you're fired. I'll get someone else to run a campaign.
Flutter: Well anyway where is my milkshake?
Nader: You don't get it.
Flutter: Good. I'm joining Vorpal's side. At least he keeps his promises.
Vorpal: It’s nice that Weird Al is helping us.
Ditto: Just as long as he doesn't sing "Just Eat It" one more time.
Weird Al: Your butt is wide, well mine is too . . .
Ditto: D'oh!
Vorpal: I went and asked our adviser about money.
Ditto: What'd he say?
Vorpal: You'll get a hundred bucks and a turtledove. My lucky numbers are 3 and 628 1/2.
Ditto: Wow! A hundred bucks.
Flutter: Hey, can I help you guys?
Vorpal: Sure but you have to bring something to this campaign. The MMEDDP Party has high integrity.
Flutter: I brought a hundred male deer.
Ditto: I get it a hundred bucks and a turtledove. Ha ha.
Weird Al: (coming over to talk) Hey! Can I be Secretary of State?
Flutter: I want to be Defense Secretary!
Tom: I want to be Press Secretary!
Ditto: Hey, I just thought of something cool, which should garner a lot of attention.
Vorpal: Yes?
Ditto: The Democratic National Convention is starting tonight!
Sgt. Flutter: Yeah, we know. So?
Ditto: ...Let's crash it!
Vorpal: Hey, we can deliver our speeches at THEIR convention! Ha ha!
Sarge: We need a plan...
Tom Bodett: Later that night they are all sitting around a battle plan written on the back of Motel 6 stationery. Sgt. Flutter has gone overboard. He's wearing an army helmet with bushes strapped to the top, and he's smeared camouflage paint all over his face and shell.
Vorpal: Flutter, We're just going to the DNC. We're not being shipped to Vietnam.
Sarge: *whispering* Don't call me Flutter! My code name is "Nitro!" Now, here's the plan. *Pulls down chart* Tom Bodett, you're the least conspicuous. You go up to the front gates and distract security. We'll go on in. Weird Al, you neutralize the guards, and Tom will sneak into the electronic control tower here, and shut off the primary security systems.
Vorpal: You know, we could just...
Flutter: ...I'll fly up to the roof and rappel down into the main air duct, and crash into the main convention hall arriving at 0300 hrs, just after the second speech, and I'll take out the secret service. Agent "Neighbor" will...
Ditto: Uh, which of us is codename "Neighbor" again?
Mr. Rogers: Uh that’s me. Isn't there another way to...
Flutter: AHEM! "Neighbor" will commandeer the personnel transport unit into the compound, and drive around back to the food preparation area. Agents "Stryke," "Cloaker," "Keebler Elf," and "Blue Dress" will be concealed in the back of the transport. Upon arrival, you will all enter the food preparation service area and begin transporting as much food as possible into the back of the truck, for our convention.
Ditto: Get me some crullers.
Flutter: When I give the secret call, all you come in and we'll deliver our speeches before live television, and then escape in the panic. Is everything clear?
Ross Perot: What's the secret call?
Flutter: Quiet, "Keebler Elf." It's a secret! All right, everyone. Spread out, don't move in-groups, and let's all meet at the DMC at 0800 hours! Let's synchronize our watches!
Ross Perot: *whispering to others* Can he be trusted?
Mr. Rogers: Yeah, he's okay. He's just spent a little too much time in the "Land of make-believe." (Whirls his index finger around his ear)
Flutter: Everyone got his or her uniforms on?
Mr. Rogers: *singing to himself as he puts on his camos and laces up his army boots exactly the way he changes into his sweater and shoes on the program* It's a beautiful day in the beauty wood, won't you be mine? Won't you be mine?...
Vorpal: Did you understand a word he said?
Weird Al: Nope. I guess we'll just have to wing it.
Ditto: This is great.
On TV: Peter Jennings: This is ABC's special coverage of the National Democratic National Convention. We go now to Chief Analysts - George Stephonopolisisisisis.
George Stephonopolisisisisis: Thank you, Peter. We come to live in LA where Bill Clinton is expected to speak to night about the degrade of moral values in this country.
Peter: Thank you, George. Now at this time we'd like to remind everyone that only democrats are allowed at this convention. That is why the press got in so easily.
Weird Al in a FDR mask walks past Peter. In the stage you can see "Stryke" dressed as Jimmy Carter, The real Jimmy Carter, "Cloaker" dressed as Woodrow Wilson, "Keebler" as Andrew Johnson and all the other members of MMEDDP dressed as former Democratic US Presidents . . .
Tom Brokaw: Isn't that Andrew Johnson? I always thought he was taller than that.
Peter Jennings: It's the photographs. They arrange it like that. Abe Lincoln was only 5'8".
Tom Brokaw: No he wasn't! He was 6'4"!
Connie Chung: *waving* Hey! FDR! Over here!
Peter Jennings: I thought he was dead.
Tom Brokaw: *shrugs* Guess his career made a comeback.
Peter Jennings: No, I meant PHYSICALLY. You're just a face, you know that Brokaw?
Tom Brokaw: ...It's true! *sobs*
In the main air draft...
Nitro: Shhh.... Blue Dress did you hear that? Over.
Blue Dress: What? I didn't hear a thing. Over.
Nitro: I know. Cause it is quiet to quiet. Be careful it's a trap!
Narrator: Flutter, er um Nitro is dragged down into the sewers. And Flutter… er, Nitro sees Mouser and Nader.
Nader: I'm sorry you can't interfere with my plans. That is why I hired Mouser to help me out.
Mouser: Cheese, Cheese, Cheese, Cheeeeese!
Flutter: *Flattening himself against a wall* I'm wearing camouflage makeup! You can't see me! HA!
Nader: Yes, we can.
Flutter: No... you can't.
Nader: I assure you, we can.
Flutter: I beg to differ.
Nader: You're right there. You're just standing against that wall *Points at him*
Flutter: Uhhh... lucky guess.
Nader: Mouser, destroy him.
Mouser: boom! BOOM BOOM BOOM!
Narrator: Mouser throws bombs at Flutter, who catches them and hurls them back.
Mouser is blown to kingdom come, as always.
Mouser: Looks like Team Roquet's* blasting off agaiiiinnnn... *ding*
Flutter: Later, Nader! (I wish someone else was around to hear that one...*sigh*)
Tom Bodett: And using those big ol' wangs o' his, that clever little terrapin managed to fly up and out of that dangerous sewer, and back into the air ducts of the DNC. Meanwhile, we go around to the pantry of the DNC, to find... huge sacks full of rich goodies flying out the windows? Looks like our heroes done raided the pantry...
Cloaker: *coming out of the giant freezer lugging a HUGE turkey over his shoulder* Wow! We hit the jackpot! Let's get all this food into the truck. Where are all the donuts?
BlueDress: *munch, scarf* Oops. Sorry.
--Suddenly, a green hairy guy in a Santa suit tiptoes in with a fist full of sacks--
Keebler: Beat it, Grinch! This isn’t "How the Grinch Stole the Convention!" This is OUR heist!
Stryke: *Looking in a fridge* Wow, look! Decorations! Political candles, special silverware, expensive refreshments, and... oh! An ice sculpture of a donkey!
Cloaker: We'll carve it down into an aardvark later! BlueDress, what did you find?
BlueDress: *staring at a box of cigars* Oh, nothing. Just reminiscing about old jobs, I guess (sigh).
Cloaker: *roll eyes* Forget it. We have plenty of stuff. Let's load it up. When Flutter gives the call we've got to be ready to descend with our speeches.
Neighbor: Uhh... The second speech is ending. He should be calling about now...
~ Meanwhile, back in the air ducts ~
Flutter: OK! According to this map, I should be right over the speaker's podium in the main hall! *Begins to saw a hole down through the ceiling* Now, in just a few seconds...
Narrator: Flutter finishes sawing a circle beneath his feet, and, silently rehearsing his speech, promptly descends to find himself... stuck in the balloon net high above the crowd...*sigh*
Flutter: *struggling to move around in the balloons and net* MMmmf! HEEELP!
Down Below...
Clintin’: *sitting at banquet table, chatting with AlGore* Gee, I'm glad everything's turning out so well for ya, Al. Can't wait to make my big speech. *Looks up* Then we'll drop the balloons, and... Hey... do those balloons look like they're moving to you?
--Suddenly, well, actually, not suddenly, because you JUST KNEW this was gonna happen, Flutter manages to rip the balloon net, and they all begin to float to the floor...
Flutter: *falling* AAAAAHHHHHhhhhh....!
--With a big splash, Flutter does a perfect swan dive into Bill's soup--
Flutter: *thrashing around* AAAAHHH! Man Down!!! MAN DOWN!!! MEDIIIIC!!! I need a medic here! Acckkk!!!!
Clintin’: Well, howdy thar, little turtle!
Hellary: Waiter, there's a flyer in my husband's soup.
The releasing of one net causes all of the nets to open.
Gore: AAAAHHHH!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOONS!
Peter Jennings: This is a stunning turn of events. Some sort of winged turtle opened the balloon nets, which Gore promptly told Dubya that he was going overboard with them.
Meanwhile in the back kitchen . . .
Stryke: I got an idea!
Stryke presses all of the fireworks buttons.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Stryke: This is even more than the RNC!
Cloaker: What's this one? "Do not push until after Cameras are off"
Stryke pushes it.
Bziooooooooo BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!
As the sparkles fly down, is has the resemblance to this:
(Nixon's face) <Dubya
Peter: Woah! A stunning show of events as the Democrats have really made fun of Dubya. I don't think this will go well with the American public.
Clintin’: (to AlGore) I told you not to shoot those off until the cameras were off!
AlGore: This is my campaign. You can't tell me what to do.
Clintin’: Wrong! This is really my third campaign! You are just my hamster!
AlGore: Guinea pig?
Clintin’: Don't correct me!
AlGore: Sorry.
Narrator: Sgt. Flutter climbs out of Clinton's soup and grabs some cocktail weenies. He then darts under the tablecloth.
Secret Service Guy: There he goes! After him!
Sec. Serv. Guy2: Look out! He has weenies!
Narrator: A large lump scurries under the tablecloth, across the table, knocking over everyone's plates.
Large Lump: (muffled) Hahahahaha! No one can catch Nitro!
Narrator: As Flutter works his way to the other end of the table, one enraged guest stabs at the lump with her fork.
Flutter: *pokes his head out from underneath the cloth and screams in her face* OOOW! OOOOOW! That's my TAIL, you idiot! *Scurries underneath the table*
Sec. Srvc. Guy: After him! There he goes!
Random Senator: *mad* Hey! I think he's stealing my shoelaces!
Narrator: Several men in black suits dive under the table just as Flutter scurries out on the other side. He then flaps up to the main banquet table. He turns around and faces the crowd. He has a bunch of weenies strapped to his chest, like dynamite, and holds a candelabrum in one hand.
Flutter: All right! No one moves, or this place goes skyway!
~ In the kitchen...~
Narrator: Ditto is standing at the door with binoculars, watching the commotion in the Main Hall from the Kitchen. He's describing the sight to his friends...
Ditto: ... and now he's demanding a getaway car and a strawberry milkshake...
Vorpal: *sitting back in a chair, eyes closed, massaging his forehead* Uh-huh.
Ditto: ...now, he's reading his list of officials he wants fired...
Vorpal: *eyes still closed, still massaging his forehead* Uh-huh.
Suddenly, two men in black suits and dark glasses walk in.
Agent J: Hey, look, K! There's that little alien! *Points at Flutter*
Flutter: Hey! I'm not an alien!
Agent K: Oh, right. I suppose winged turtles are just an endangered species.
Ditto: *running out of the kitchen* He's right! He's just a Para Troopa!
J: I have never heard o’ any Para Troopa!
K: Let's just blast all of them.
Vorpal: Hey! You know, if he's a member of a political party, then he must be a licensed Earthling, right?
K: Sounds reasonable. So?
Ditto: Well, as it turns out, he's a card carrying member of the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party!
J: Yeah, right! Let's just blast em!
K: Hold on a second, kid. He's right. Let's just let them go.
J: C'mon K! Show me ONE member of this here Doki Doki Panik Party!
Narrator: K smiles at J and reaches for his wallet. Flipping through his credit cards, he pulls out a card that reads...
THIS CARD HEREBY CERTIFIES THAT
K
IS AN OFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE MEGA MEGA EXTREME DOKI DOKI PANIK POLITICAL PARTY, WITH ALL RIGHTS, PRIVELEGES, AND DUTIES THEREBY CONFERRED
J: *jaw drops*
K: Let's go kid. By the way, good luck to you guys in November. I'm voting for you.
J: *to K* I didn't know Men In Black could VOTE!
K: It's a wonderful system.
J: Wait! Shouldn't we use those little red light pens to paralyze everyone's brain so they won't remember any of the weird stuff that just happened at the convention tonight?
K: Don't worry, kid. AlGore will be giving his speech soon. That will accomplish the same thing.
*Sure enough, as Gore takes the podium, everyone's eyes begin to glaze over*
Vorpal: Wow that was lucky. Let's get out of here.
Sgt. Flutter: But, we never delivered my... er... that is, OUR speeches!
Ditto: Uh, yeah. What-a-shame-let's-just-go. *Pushes Sarge out the door as they all head out to the truck with all the goodies in it and drive off into the night*
Back At the MMEDDP HQ (Motel 6)...
Connie Chung: And so, everyone agrees that the Democratic National Convention took place without a single hitch.
Jennings: Y'know, I can't remember a thing about that convention.
Chung: Shut up! We're still on the air! *Smiles nervously at the screen*
Vorpal: *shuts off the TV* Well, that was fun.
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