Gamehiker Member OG 8 Page 5
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Episode 61: "Some Stuff Happens... I Dunno... It Might End In an Explosion If You're Really Good" by Vorpal
~Oval Office, President Vorpal is signing some papers or something~
Flutter: *bursts in* It's bad, sir! Those six guys we've code-named: "The Six Marauders" are eating through our tanks like they were carrot cake.
Pres. Vorpal: That sounds like an overly specific analogy.
Flutter: What?
Pres. Vorpal: Nevermind. All right, so what do you propose to do about it?
Flutter: Sir, I have prepared five unthinkable options, any of which will have dire consequences. *spreads out five manila folders, labeled Options 1-5"
Pres. Vorpal: Meh *shrugs* I choose three.
Flutter: Uhmm... higher.
Pres. Vorpal: Five?
Flutter: Lower.
Pres. Vorpal: One?
Flutter: Higher.
Pres. Vorpal: Three?
Flutter: You already said that.
Pres. Vorpal: Six?
Flutter: There is no six.
Pres. Vorpal: *narrows eyes... even though they're behind shades* Exactly!
(Take that Simpsons Movie!)
Flutter: What?
Pres. Vorpal: All of these options are no good! *throws them off the desk* I go with option six!
~Awkward Silence~
Flutter: Which is?
Pres. Vorpal: THE RONALD RAY-GUN!
Flutter: But, sir, that's a anti-missile defense system located in the Statue of Liberty's torch! It can't hit a ground target all the way from New York City!
Pres. Vorpal: I don't want excuses! Take... I dunno... MagiKoopa with you, and find some way to get the Ronald Ray-Gun to DC!
Flutter: But--
Pres. Vorpal: Okay! Take Luigi with you, too! He's currently on my side again, right?
Flutter: He changes sides so often, sir, I really can't say for sure.
Pres. Vorpal: *to walkie-talkie* Luigi.
Luigi: *over walkie-talkie* Yes?
Pres. Vorpal: Are you on my side right now?
Luigi: I dunno... what day of the week is it?
Pres. Vorpal: Funny. I need you to go to New York with Flutter and MagiKoopa, and bring the Ronald Ray-Gun to DC to take out the Six Marauders!
Luigi: All right. I captured another duplicate... mine... where are you holding the others?
Pres. Vorpal: The "Undisclosed Location" we send Ditto when things get difficult.
Luigi: The unisex bathroom at the local Subway, got it.
~Undisclosed Location, AKA the unisex bathroom at the local Subway~
Luiigii: Ugh... where am I? Last I remember I was kicking butt, and then this Inspector Gadget knock-off takes a cheap shot at me...
Luigi: Much obliged. *to PWD* He was carrying this. *hands PWD the Limitless Drive* I also overheard something about Pearls of Mystery needed to power it. I gotta get to New York..... Also... this is pretty roomy for a unisex bathroom.
PW Deeson: *shrugs* It works.
~Luigi leaves and a few minutes later President Vorpal arrives.~
Pres. Vorpal: *paces back and forth in front of all the captives... which conveniently include everyone except for the Six Marauders* So, we've captured all these invaders... from space, maybe? .... Or from an alternate dimension!? An evil one! Filled with fake President Vorpals!?!
Vorpal: I'm President in the Neautral Timeline!? Neat! I thought I was just speaking hypothetically earlier!
Pres. Vorpal: Do you have any idea how much this hurts my already dwindling approval ratings? Now people will be wondering if I'm actually the President, or just some clone that looks and acts exactly like me, the replaced me.... or something!
Donkeyman: Look... this is great and all, but we'd like to restore the Good Timeline, return to it....
Vorpal: I don't know about that...
Triple-Steel & Independent Groups: Yeah!
Donkeyman: ....and resurrect Golem, so I can... I dunno... kill him again... but I gotta have him back for everything to work out between me and Sapphire.
Sapphire: In your dreams!
Pres. Vorpal: Golem? .... Why does that name sound familiar?
~DC Mall~
~The Six Marauders are still taking out tanks and stuff, but around the corner stomps the Statue of Liberty, with Flutter, Luigi and MagiKoopa riding in the crown.~
Flutter: That was an excellent idea filling the Statue of Liberty with Ooze, and playing jumpy 80's music to bring it to life and bring it back to DC. Where in the world did you get an idea like that?
Luigi: I dunno... a dream maybe?
MagiKoopa: I think it was on Tenchi Muyo once.
Flutter: Whatever, let's take out these Marauders!
Flutter, Luigi, & Magikoopa: RONALD RAY-GUN! FIRE!
~The Statue of Liberty points it's torch directly at the Six Marauders, then lets out a blast of gigantic proportions, causing a huge explosion where the Six Marauders once stood.~
Episode 62: "Completely Irrelevant" by Golem
~Elsewhere, in a Maryland apartment completely unrelated to the story...
Cat sits on the edge of his couch as he watches CNN.~
Cat: . . .
~Golem's ghost slinks into the room through the floor. He sits on the couch next to Cat.~
Golem: Pretty exciting stuff, isn't it?
Cat: AUGH! ~jumps off the couch to face Golem~ What am... but you're...
Golem: I'm the ghost of you from a parallel timeline. I just wanted to see how you were doing.
Cat: Ah... huh. I'm, uh, doing fine. But what was that parallel thing you were talking about?
Golem: Timeline. Yeah, apparently back in 2000 the TASTS split time into three paths. I'm from what they call the Good Timeline, and this is the Neutral Timeline.
Cat: Who's "they"?
Golem: Er, I don't know. Oh, crap--~looks at watch~--I'm late for my trial!
Cat: Your trial?
Golem: Yeah, God's underlings are putting me on trial to decide whether I go to Heaven, Purgatory, Hell, or Weirdamonium. It's standard procedure.
Cat: Weirdamonium?!
Golem: I'd explain but I really gotta go! Nice talking to you! ~sinks through the floor~
~Cat plops back down onto the couch.~
Cat: ...Huh.
~Golem comes back up, startling Cat.~
Golem: By the way, you'd make a cool paranormal investigator. Cat Investigations: Call the Cat!
~Golem goes back down.~
Cat: ...Huh.
Episode 63: "The Dire Sacrifice" by GORE-ILLA
*The Ronald Ray-Gun fires directly towards the Six Marauders. Untribulous immediately spins around and produces five surfboards that fly away from the incoming beam at high-speeds, picking up the other five OGers as the pass.*
Yami: (reaches out) NO!
GORE: INTROBULUS LOOKALIKE!
*Before they are even done speaking, the beam hits Untribulous and leaves nothing behind. The massive explosion expands and starts catching up to the remaining Five Marauders.*
Fusesteady: Duh, fohgeddabout it! We gotta press on!
Bebop Skull Dragoshi: No, we can still save him! (leaps into the explosion and is annihilated)
*Yami, GORE, TennisMaster and Fusesteady, the Four remaning Marauders, stand up on the surfboards to speed up. They go at high-speed and do some wacky air tricks to avoid being consumed by the explosion. Eventually the explosion fades, and all that is seen is an empty crater.*
Yami Yoshi: No, not... those guys...
GORE: This is worse than when the real Introbulus dies! Ah well, it's not like he's gonna die at least twice in the near future.
TennisMaster: Hey cool, we're heading straight for a Subway!
Fuseteady: Duhhh, how do you stop these things?
GORE: Oh momma!
*The Four Marauders scream as they crash through the walls of the Subway, conveniently coming to a halt after smashing into the unisex bathroom.*
President Vorpal: Ah, the fugitives!
TennisMaster: Ah, this must be the president.
President Vorpal: How could you possibly know that?
TennisMaster: The presidential limo and Secret Service guards outside tipped me off.
President Vorpal: Arrest them!
*Donkeyman tears free of his bond and releases a feral shriek that paralyzes everyone nearby.*
Sapphire: Hey, where did the Scruffy guy get to?
*Scruffy wakes up in a room full of hourglasses and clocks.*
Scruffy: Okay now, what's this?
???: You are in the Time Repository.
Scruffy: Poncho.
???: Who am I, you ask? I go by many names. Once I was Alan White. But now I prefer to be called Ageless One, it is a basic summary of my qualities.
Scruffy: You sound kinda powerful. I might need your help to bring all my friends back.
Ageless One: That is why I am here. I actually hail from several years into this future. But this area is unaffected by time. I was able to grab you and bring you here in order to begin to clean up this mess.
Scruffy: Well you see there was this Timeline Bombinator, and-
Ageless One: Yes, yes, I know the whole story - the ticking, tocking, the losing? How shocking! I brought you here because your world is unique and can cross over to any timeline at any point. You are basically a living passport to any timeline. That was you can enter and leave any of these timelines whenever you need to.
Scruffy: Well I do get around... (That's what she said!)
Ageless One: Alright, just allow me some more exposition. This area is the Recycling Bin of timelines. Timelines that are fractured, incomplete, undone, can usually be found in the back room. It is possible that you may find your Good Timeline or a link to it in there. It might not have been completely destroyed- just left on the floor. Even if you find just a link, that might be enough to restore it. Now go!
Scruffy: Yessir!
*Scruffy rushes off into the backroom and finds rows of orbs.*
Scruffy: Hm... lemme try this one...
*Scruffy grabs the first orb and concentrates. He finds himself warped into outer space with golden hair. Standing nearby is Golem with golden hair. Super Golem and Super Scruffy begin attacking the Biodonkey while "Live and Learn" plays in the background.*
Super Golem: Yeah, we did it!
Super Scruffy: (turns normal and begins plummeting into Earth's atmosphere) Maria... nope, this doesn't seem like the timeline I know!
*Scruffy squeezes the orb and concentrates, then he find himself back in the Time Repository. He looks around at the large amount of orbs.*
Scruffy: This could take a while.
Author: Luigi of the Pipes
Dungeon Master: Thus the Goers of Partion encountered a fearsome and as yet unheard of Wereturtle Wizard.
~The Wereturtle Wizard, a humanoid turtle with a blue cloak and pointy hat growls at the Goers of Partion: Frodolem the Sorceror, Vorpagorn the Fighter, Sapphwen the Cleric, Gimmune the Rogue, and Faruiigii the Monk.~
Gimmune: Dammit, I wanted to be a Pirate.
Dungeon Master: I don't have that handbook. And it's Swashbuckler. Or...so I've heard.
~Scruffy plummets from the sky and lands between the six characters. They all look past him as if he doesn't exist. He glances around at a sound like thunder, then connects it to the sound of a giant die rolling. Faruiigii runs forward, THROUGH Scruffy, and swings a nonexistent sword at the Wereturtle Wizard.~
Dungeon Master: You're a Monk. I told you, no laser swords.
Faruiigii: You'll give in eventually. ~backhands Frodolem for good measure~
Dungeon Master: ~sigh~ Sapphwen, your turn.
~Sapphwen turns and goes to sit under a tree.~
Dungeon Master: Fine. Vorpagorn?
Scruffy: Err, what just happened?
Dungeon Master: Oh, they don't know you exist unless I recognize your existence.
Scruffy: Like you just did?
~The group of six scream and turn their attention (and weapons) to Scruffy.~
Scruffy: I'll see myself out! ~disappears~
***
Donkeyman: Impudent president! Mr. SteveT, present me with my heart so that I may end this government regime! I want my Good Timeline back!
SteveT: Still no. I want my Bad Timeline back.
Donkeyman: ~frees Ditto~ ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT!
~Ditto leaps forward and lands in front of President Vorpal. He grabs Prez. Vorpal by the lapels and raises his fist, then lowers it.~
Ditto: With God as my witness, I shall never strike my country's leader. No matter how stupid his policies are.
Donkeyman: GYAH! ~frees MON-KILL~ KILL THEM BOTH!
MON-KILL: ~whirls on the Four Marauders~ GORE-ILLA, tonight you shall taste death! ~lunges forward and impales TennisMaster and Fusesteady with his fists~
GORE-ILLA: Ha ha, good thing we left the real SwordMaster on the floor...
Donkeyman: You pathetic minions and your personal agendas! Why can't any of you desire EXACTLY what I want?!
Mariorocks: I do sir!
Donkeyman: Shut up. ~kicks PWD and grabs Prez. Vorpal, then runs for the stairs~ If I can't have the Good Timeline back, I can at least become the leader of this one's free world! But it won't be free for long, oh no!
Prez. Vorpal: If only I had not spent so much time on diplomatic missions, I would be in a fit enough shape to stop you!
~Ditto gives chase while MON-KILL uppercuts GORE-ILLA and Yami onto the roof of the Subway. The others struggle with their binds until PWD wakes up and frees them all.~
PWD: OMGOMGOMGOMG! Save the president whoo whoo whoo! ~runs in a circle, then pops brussel sprouts in his mouth and grows Popeye muscles~ That mule guy's gonna pay!
Mariorocks: STILL THY TONGUE YOU BASTARD!
Vorpal: Yeeeeah, I think there's so much internal conflict at this point that releasing us all doesn't help you any. ~is tackled by Evil Zombie Phil~
~Mariorocks, AaronGuy, and Loogi run up the stairs to help Donkeyman. Vorpal pushes Evil Zombie Phil away and runs after them to save himself, followed by Kuria and Misty (who bicker and stuff). Masamune, Murasame, and Sapphire are consequently ganged up on and beaten down by the SteveTrio + 1, along with Royk, Masamura, Lupus, and Koopa Xtreme. These eight then proceed to turn on each other just to have something to do, and Masamune, Murasame, and Sapphire crawl up the stairs with help from PWD. We can probably ignore the eight in the lab for now?~
Author: Masamune
~PWD, Sapphire, Masamune, and Murasame finally make it upstairs. There they see that Donkeyman has President Vorpal held up by his DK Tie. Vorpal, Kuria, and Misty are being restrained by Loogi, Mariorocks, and AaronGuy~
PWD: Stop right there!
Donkeyman: *glances over shoulder at PWD and the others* And what do you plan to do? I have your dear old President.
Pres. Vorpal: Urgh. You smell like Dubya!
Masamune: Listen. Donkeyman. You hate me. I hate you. But we both want the Good Timeline, right?
Donkeyman: Do I? President of the "Free" World sounds better than running a Cruise Ship, don't you think? I'll finally have everything I want and you won't be there to stop me!
Masamune: Oh? Won't I? You're forgetting one thing.
Donkeyman: *harumphs* Yes? And what's THAT?
Murasame: You're out of Mariorockses. *suddenly throws his sword forward straight into Mariorocks's head. PWD faints at the sight of the blood*
Donkeyman: Ha! Do you think that will work! There's always another!
~silence~
Donkeyman: M-Mariorocks?
Sapphire: *smirks* Out of luck, Donkeyman. You may have had Mariorocks in the Bad Timeline, but they're not in the Neutral Timeline.
Donkeyman: What!? Then where are they!?
Pres. Vorpal: Mariorockses...? Oh! You mean the citizens of New Wyoming! Yeah. They all re-elected me in 2004.
Donkeyman: *twitch* What!?
Pres. Vorpal: And then we drafted them all and sent them to go to war with Micronesia.
Donkeyman: *throws Pres. Vorpal to the side* Fine! FINE! I can't live without those backrubs. The Mariorockses are the only ones who know how to do it just right.
~there's an explosion downstairs~
Sapphire: That doesn't sound so good...
Masamune: So how do we get back to our timeline?
Loogi: That jerk Luiigii destroyed the limitless drive.
Pres. Vorpal: Would someone explain what's going on here!?
~meanwhile~
Lou: Alright Munsley. *rolls wheelchair forward menacingly* We've got you cornered.
McBoring: Just come out peaceful like!
Munsley: Nyeh! You'll have to come in for me!
Scruffy: Waaaaaah! Hey. You uh, what's the name.... Luigi?
Lou: No.
Scruffy: Damn.
McBoring: *leans over to Lou* He's a pirate. Probably with Munsley. Let's take him in.
Scruffy: Ack! Not this time! ~he vanishes~
~Elsewhiles, downstairs~
SteveT: These guys don't know when to quit! *rips off MON-KILL's left arm*
MON-KILL: Argh! I wasn't even fighting you!
Lupus: Time to die, Yami! *punches Dark Yami*
Dark Yami: *turns around and glares down at Lupus* Wrong Yami. *picks Lupus up and throws him across the room*
Koopa XTreme: Heh. *is suddenly punched by Royk* Hey! Whose side are you on!?
Royk: *in Uruguay's voice* The Ushutarians of the Neutral Timeline! Stupid fools! I've summoned my Neutral Timeline counterpart to this planet!
Luiigii: What!? You idiot! *assaults Royk*
Zombie Phil: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.
GORE: Get off my head you damn zombie! *reaches in vain for Zombie Phil on his back* Augh!
MON-KILL: Let me help! *throws a punch at GORE's face*
GORE: Yikes *duck and the punch hits Zombie Phil, splattering him into pieces* Let me repay the favor, then! *activates his jet feet and flies into MON-KILL, crashing the robot into the wall and breaking him into two*
MON-KILL: Argh! I can't feel my legs!
Yami: Two down! *Dark Eggs MON-KILL*
SteveT: Let's make that three. *attempts to crush Koopa with his fists, but is stopped by blow to the head by Lupus*
Lupus: Fools! You're all forgetting I'm the real villain here!
Koopa: Tell 'em, boss!
Luiigii: *impales Koopa from behind* Holy shit. My laser sword actually cut something.
Koopa: HURGH. *falls over dead*
Dark Yami: Time to finish you all off! Infinity Egg!
Episode 66: "Time to Lose Your Excitement" by GORE-ILLA
SteveT: …Nothing happened.
Lupus: You are completely useless. Did I ever tell you that, Yami?
Dark Yami: You FOOLS! The Infinity Egg is outside and has this entire building contained within it. With even the slightest wind, it will pop and destroy us all!
Royk: Terribly named too.
GORE: Would you have preferred something like “Egg-Tomic Egg”?
Royk: Yes, as a matter of fact, I would.
Bebop Skull Dragoshi: (struggles onto his feet) I’m still… alive…
*Dark Yami growls and pounces on him.*
Bebop Skull Dragoshi: You wanna piece of me?
Dark Yami: (tears BSD’s legs off) I’ll take two!
*Bebop Skull Dragoshi falls over and dies for good.*
Yami: Wait… we’re all gonna die! And my timeline is defenseless without us! What are we gonna do?
Dark Yami: …
GORE: You stupid dino! Don’t you see you’re causing irreparable damage to all of our worlds? What kind of hero are you? What kind of Yami Yoshi are you? You’ve swallowed the very words you called your own!
Dark Yami: …
Tom Bodett: Elsewhere, in a realm that I should not be aware exists…
*Scruffy enters the next timeline. He finds himself in a grand hall where Yami and GORE are beating up cloaked figures.*
Yami: Look! A new ally! He can help us save my cheesecake!
Scruffy: Cool, I must be back in that Bad Timeline place!
GORE: Here come the others!
*Legion, Isis the cheese mage and a cyborg with a label reading ‘7’ storm in. and continue to beat down the cloaked men.*
Yami: It’s over, DarkMario! Surrender!
DarkMario: No! My Russian Mailmen! How dare you!
Scruffy: Nope, this something’s different about this place… not sure what…
*Scruffy returns to the Hall of Time and grabs the next one.*
Scruffy: Now where am I?
~12:00 noon normal time. Aviators, and travellers in general, have come to fear the Bermuda Triangle for the multitudes of strange occurances in its area.
And EVIL Scientist Dude flies right into it naturally, instantly disappearing after a few seconds.
Three hours later, 3:00 PM normal time, ESD lands in a town on an island in the Bermuda Triangle. He talks with nearby natives.~
ESD: I need you to tell me the exact instant that their pizza delivering duty starts, so I can order a pizza exactly three hours late.
~ESD walks to his room and turns on a television. The time on the television reads 12:00 PM, and ESD watches a news broadcast.~
Newsy McReporter: Hey look the time is 3 PM.
~ESD makes the call when the clock at his desk reads 6 PM.
An hour later, 4 PM normal time, a man standing on the shore of the island sees people on two boats acting frantically. The bigger person leaps onto the smaller person's boat. He runs back to town.
Three hours later, 7 PM normal time, a boat approaches the Bermuda Triangle. It's from Pizza Hut and--why, who else should be at the helm other than Vorpal himself? At the same exact time another boat approaches the Bermuda Triangle, this one from Dominoes and captainned by none other than Golem.
*Scruffy suddenly appears next to Golem.*
Scruffy: Wait… what did all that just say? My head… my head…
Golem: Uh, who are you and where do you come from?
Vorpal: (leaps onto Golem’s boat) I’m a bad guy!
Scruffy: That’s a nice line actually.
*The boat tips over from the three combined weights and they fall over.*
Golem: No! I swore that I’d never get wet in this timeline!
Scruffy: Timeline? Is this part of a time?
Continuity: Yes…
Discontinuity: …And no.
Judge Consistency: This is a piece of what you know as the Good Timeline, young pirate. Continuity and Discontinuity’s bickering caused them to cancel each other out. Thus this OG both happened and did not happen, was canon and non canon, and was complete without being complete at all.
Scruffy: I’m just gonna ignore all that except for the part about being linked to the Good Timeline. I’ll be off now.
Vorpal: (splashing in water) No, I can’t get wet! I’m a bad guy!
*Scruffy is dumped back in the Time Depository.*
Scruffy: Hey, Really Big Dude! I found it!
Ageless One: Congratulations, young sailor. That must be a link to the Good Timeline. With it, you can find some way to restore it.
Scruffy: But… how?
Ageless One: That is something you must find for yourself. Simply seek out something to bring everything into alignment.
*Scruffy finds himself back in the torn-apart room with everyone else.*
President Vorpal: You, mystical looking guy! Can you save us from this dino-death trap?
Ditto: I still don’t get how a moron like you is president. Your vice president must be twice as stupid to put up with you.
President Vorpal: I love you man. But yeah, back to the saving our lives!
Masamune: Ha, must suck to be not immortal.
Murasame: Dude, I was totally about to say that.
Murasmasa: Me too! Dude! How did we just spontaneously gain stereotypical surfer traits?
Ageless One: I know you can all find away out of this time and space. But I shall take the people of my time to prevent any mix-ups.
*President Vorpal, PWD and any other MMEDDP members within the Infinity Egged house start to fade away with the Ageless One.*
Vorpal: No, you have to tell me how to become President!
President Vorpal: (notices finger is glowing due to his fading away, points towards Vorpal’s heart) I’ll… be… right… here….
Donkeyman: Great! Now how do we get out of here?
Sapphire: Didn’t you catch his hint? Find a way out of this Time And Space? (kicks Royk into the opposite wall and catches the TASTS that he drops) We can escape with the TASTS!
Royk: Only Golem can properly operate that thing!
Sapphire: Oh, I’ve seen him work it enough times. How hard can it be?
*The TASTS goes into newsstand mode and everyone piles into it. Lupus remains behind at first. He focuses intently. Outside, cheese from the Cheese Star’s wreckage is teleported and compressed into a yellow packet (like a ketchup packet) held in Lupus’s hand. Lupus enters the TASTS, and Royk rushes in last.*
Sapphire: Alright… let’s see where we go…
Lupus: Hang on, I’m a wizard at this!
*Lupus presses a bunch of random buttons and dials, and twists some knobs. The TASTS lurches through time and space and stops.*
Kuria: Okay, where are we?
*Masamune tiptoes outside. He hears the roar of a yamisaurus and rushes back inside.*
Masamune: Too early! Get us out of here! Weird, I thought I caught a glimpse of Golem and Rhyk though…
Royk: Wait, go back out there he can fix all- (the TASTS roars through time and space again)
NEW SCENE
*The TASTS arrives at another time.*
Donkeyman: (peers outside) Hey! This is the village where I was raised!
Masamune: Reeeally? Hang on a sec...
*Masa dashes out.*
Donkeyman: Hey! Get back here! Grr... Come on, let's leave without him!
Royk: As Golem would say, Masamune is a central character.
Donkeyman: Curse your spine! I'm a megalomaniac, not a doctor!
*Masamune returns grinning.*
Donkeyman: What did you do?!
Masamune: Not much, just played a quick game... of Pin-The-Tail on the Donkeyman...
Donkeyman: RAURGH I'LL KILL YOU!!!
*Donkeyman begins chasing Masamune in a circle around the ship, but they both fall back into their seats as the TASTS flies back through time.*
Sapphire: Alright, let's see when we wind up this time!
END NEW SCENE
*Muramasa walks outside.*
Muramasa: We’re back in the Bad Timeline!
Vorpal: Really? How can you tell?
Muramasa: The Earth is covered in cheese!
Donkeyman: Well we don’t have room for your kind in our timeline, so get out!
Muramasa: Fine, at least let me take my woman with me.
Captain Ditto: Alright, alright… syke! (shoves Muramasa outside) Quick, bring us around to the other side of the planet! (to Kuria) Now gimme some sugar!
Sapphire: Righto!
AaronGuy: Righto?
Sapphire: I will kill you.
AaronGuy: (sheepishly) Yes’m!
Lupus: I’d like to congratulate you on your move, Ditto. Really stellar! (hugs Ditto and secretly slips something into his pockets)
*On the other side of the world, the remaining Bad Timelinians- Lupus, Yami, and GORE- are released. They immediately begin battling to the death on the remains of the Earth.*
Sapphire: I think I’m starting to get the hang of this. What time should I put in next?
Murasame: Sometime in the early 2000’s. That seems to be when this whole timeline mess started.
Sapphire: I’ll see what I can do…
*The TASTS flies back. Donkeyman and Masamune exit to find Lupus and Koopa there.*
Koopa: Sir, Godzilla is eating another of your posts.
Lupus: Arm the Auto-Alignment Ray! It will restore this OG to its proper order!
Koopa: That completely goes against everything you believe in, but okay.
Masamune: Hang on! So you’re saying that this ray will rearrange time and space into a more orderly format?
Lupus: Yes, that is its basic premise. How did you get out of your cell and into your body?
Masamune: Nevermind I’m from another timeline that was destroyed. But we can restore it with you ray!
Lupus: Nope.
Donkeyman: But in our timeline you are hailed as Lupus the Turk, Bringer of the Sweitish Order! Everyone knows your name and adores you!
Lupus: Fine, you can use it.
Scruffy: Alright, that’s what the big guy meant about alignment! We can just fire this at the orb to restore the timeline, right?
Donkeyman: Wait! If we just restore the Good Timeline, history will repeat itself and everything will be destroyed again quickly. (I majored in Time Travellology in college). We need to fire the ray at ourselves so that we get reorganized as well in such a way that we prevent the Good Timeline from being destroyed.
Masamune: It’s worth a shot. Oh and Lupus, in the year 2017 remember to use this when we first come into your timeline to prevent us from ruining all of your plans.
Lupus: Sure, I hate it when people do that!
Masamune: Alright, just fire the Auto-Alignment Ray at this newsstand!
*Masamune, Donkeyman and Scruffy hurry back into the TASTS, and the Auto Alignment Ray is fired at the TASTS. Everything is rearranged.*
Narrator: In the Fiddler’s Green, a third point appears and connects the time triangle, preventing all of time from collapsing. Did I mention that would happen earlier? With full knowledge of everything that happened, things happen somewhat differently.
*A giant explosion rocks the area as Yami and GORE collide. When the smoke clears, this time GORE stands, heavily wounded and sputtering. Yami likes on his back, with his face heavily scarred.*
GORE: Come on, Yami. Help us. They’re your friends too. We have to prevent this timeline from being destroyed!
Yami: …Go. Just go.
*GORE rushes off.*
*After stabbing Farmer Jon, Luiigii spins around and stabs EVIL Scientist Dude.*
EVIL Scientist Dude: Son! What is…
Luiigii: Daddy… what am I?
*EVIL Scientist Dude stumbles over backwards and through the open hatch. However, he opens his parachute as he descends.*
*Lupus, Fred and Roy confront Captain Ditto. Lupus suddenly catches a whiff of something and tackles Ditto.*
Ditto: Hey! Wha-
*Lupus pulls out the yellow packet from Ditto’s pocket. The label reads “Instant Cheese Star- Just Add Water! P.S. Happy Birthday From Your Bad Timeline Counterpart.”*
Lupus: Oh, he shouldn’t have. Fred!
*Lupus picks up Fred, dips his head in the water, and then holds it over the packet. The packet slowly starts inflating and floating into the air like some kind of cheese balloon. Lupus grabs onto it, while holding Fred in the other hand, and they enter the Cheese Star when it grows large enough. Soon the Cheese Star has reached full size and is in Earth’s orbit. Captain Ditto panics and rushes off. After they have all left, Roy’s eyes glow red…*
Narrator: Finally, at the Donkey-camp, Mariorocks66 is about to carry out his orders of placing the heart in an oven.
Donkeyman: Mariorocks, DON’T PUT THE HEART IN THAT OVEN! (beats Mariorocks 66 to death, followed by the remaining two-digit Mariorocks from before the Good Timeline’s destruction. All the Mariorocks that died in the Bad and Neutral Timelines are still dead, so it continues from Mariorocks 378, causing him to drop Siphnitty)
SteveT: Damn, spoil-sport.
Sapphire: Golem!
*Sapphire, Vorpal and Masamune all tackle Golem to the ground in joy.*
Golem: Hark? What’s up with all the attention. …AND WHAT IS THAT IN THE SKY!
*Everyone looks up to see the Cheese Star.*
Golem: MAJORA’S MASK WAS RIGHT! THE MOON IS CRASHING! RUN RUN RUN!
Captain Ditto: That’s no moon, it’s the Cheese Star! I accidentally smuggled it over from the Bad Timeline! We gotta stop it!
Donkeyman: Correction, you do. I have to go defrost my heart since it was out in the cold so long, then I can put it into my body and use the pure rage to form a plan of pure revenge against Masamune and Vorpal!
Vorpal: Why me?
Donkeyman: I know your secret, (leans in close), Tank Boy! And I won’t rest until you can’t!
Sapphire: Donkeyman, just use your party cruise to attack that damn thing!
Donkeyman: What’s this? More orders from Queen Ruby? I’m not your toy anymore!
Sapphire: Yeah, but if you care about me or at least about getting revenge on those two lunkheads, then you’ll stop Lupus before he kills us all!
Donkeyman: …Fine. But Masa and Vorpal have to come with me, so that if I fail, I can torture them in my dying breaths.
Sapphire: Fine! I’ll stay here and watch over Golem in case there are anymore Bad Timeline wanters out there!
*Vorpal, Captain Ditto, Masamune, Murasame and Kuria rush up onto the Canadiandude, which takes off towards the Cheese Star. The Siphnitty is left on the floor, beating slowly.*
Sapphire: Oh no, it’s Roy.
Roy: Don’t worry, I’m not here to harm you anymore. Those people scare me!
Golem: Oh good, it’s just Roy.
*Roy grins and turns his arm into a lance, then begins to dash forward, but Sapphire blocks with an umbrella.*
Sapphire: I should have known! You’re still fused with Rhyk!
Royk: (turns back into metallic shape) Guilty as charged! You’re a bit more threatening then I expected. I’ll use a boost!
*Royk runs over and grabs onto Siphnitty. The Black Pudding covers him, and he grows into giant size.*
Royk: The power… now I can become a god and rearrange the timeline into perfection! Nothing can stop… (his body parts begin shifting wildly) Wh- What’s happening? Program… being…. over…wrritten…
*The giant Royk’s shifting stops. He is now in a new form. The form of…*
Youma Ganon: Yes! Yes! Now the world can finally be mine! I learned about your large amounts of Party Energy from the other personalities, Golem! I’ll use it to power myself and truly rule the world. I won’t be bullied around by any pirates or Australians anymore!
Golem: You stupid, sick sewer scum! I hate you to the fullest extent that one person can hate another human being!
Sapphire: Alright, I think this guy’s a bit above my power level… Why did we have to send all our fighters off with that stupid jackass?
*GORE suddenly arrives.*
GORE: Alright, this time I’ll try not to die! I’ll also try not to go crazy and kill you all because that won’t help things at all!
Narrator: Back in the Cheese Star, Lupus and Fred look out through the viewport.
Lupus: This is wonderful, Fred! Do you understand how long I’ve been trying to unravel the secrets of cheese and the realm of ZOOM? But I could not find the Three Gods so I thought it was all fruitless. But now look, I’ve been given the greatest weapon ever by the greatest man alive- me! With this, I practically am a Cheese God!
Fred: When do we paint the eggs, sir?
Lupus: How is it that you are my only henchmen in this timeline? Oh yeah, I lost my clichéd mountain lair, my whole army and fleet, my ski lift and my random minions in that damned poker game. Napoleon set me up!
Fred: I spy with my little eye, something… Donkeyman!
Lupus: Alright, let’s test this thing out and kill them while I gel my hair.
Fred: If it’s suddenly, then it’s Susan.
Narrator: On the Canadiandude…
Vorpal: Okay, we’re going up against a really big thing here.
Donkeyman: I just have to remember what my father told me every night before I went to sleep, in my pajamas made out of money. He told me, “Hold the line, Donkeyman. Hold the line.” And I’ll hold that line until I am rendered incapable of holding things.
Masamune: That’s touching. As a child my pajamas were made out of dead things.
Misty: I made all my pajamas from Vorpal’s chest hair…
Vorpal: That explains why I feel chilly!
Donkeyman: (backhands everyone in sequential order) Enough of this! Let’s focus on the mission! Let’s grate that cheese!
AaronGuy: Thank you for not saying any “cut the cheese” cracks.
Donkeyman: I might, the night is still young. Now onwards!
*The Cheese Star begins loading and fires a giant Cheese Ray. Donkeyman swerves the wheel to dodge it. The cannons extend from the side of the Canadiandude and begin firing into the Cheese Star.*
AaronGuy: Don’t worry geeks, we’re still in Earth’s atmosphere.
*Donkeyman sets a squad of Mariorocks on fire, loads them onto catapaults and fires them into the Cheese Star.*
Donkeyman: Someone’s using my heart again! …(slaps forehead) Damn! I left it on the floor!
(note to self: Use the name Gamogvie for something)
Narrator: Back in the land battle…
*GORE leaps up at Youma Ganon and begins furiously punching him, but it just gets angry and swats him back down. GORE tries attacking with a high-level pie weapon, only for it to be instantly shattered.*
GORE: This… isn’t working…
Sapphire: Don’t you know the Pastries Triangle? Pudding beats Pie, and Pie beats Cheesecake. Only Cheesecake can overcome Pudding.
GORE: Dammit!
*A group of Black Pudding tendrils wrap around GORE and hold him on the ground. Youma Ganon repeatedly stomps down on GORE, over and over again.*
Youma Ganon: Grrr… die, ape thing!
*Youma Ganon grabs Golem and begins to reel him in while continuing his stomping.*
Sapphire: No, not again!
*Youma Ganon opens his mouth and is about to eat Golem when suddenly an egg hits him in the face and explodes.*
Youma Ganon: Guh?
*Yami Yoshi rushes forwards and tosses more Dark Eggs, freeing Golem and GORE.*
GORE: You… came back. After all…
Yami Yoshi: Are you ready to put this shatmucker on the floor?
GORE: Just like old times… that didn’t happen in this timeline…
*Yami gives GORE a special Dark Egg that he wraps around his fist. GORE leaps onto Yami’s saddle, and Yami leaps into the air as high as he could. GORE then leaps up from his back until he’s up to Youma’s face, and then GORE punches Youma Ganon with the Dark Egg Fist. Youma Ganon shouts in pain and starts to fall over.*
Golem: Yami must be the legendary Cheesecake King! Who knew?
*Youma Ganon turns his arm into a lance again and tries stabbing at GORE as he falls to the ground. Yami meanwhile begins rapidly laying Dark Eggs.*
Youma Ganon: Die, die, all of you die!
*Youma Ganon lunges his arm towards Golem, whose foot got stuck in the ice. Sapphire and GORE stand in front of him to shield him. But suddenly Yami leaps into the way and is impaled.*
GORE: YAMI! NO!
Golem: I told you he was alive!
Sapphire: I wouldn’t count on that for much longer….
*Youma Ganon flings Yami’s body away.*
GORE: GRAUUUUGHH!!!!
*GORE turns his arm into cannon, loads in all of Yami’s last Dark Eggs and shoots them rapidfire into Youma Ganon. This blasts away almost all the pudding and exposes a passageway leading to the core of Youma Ganon, where the heart and Siphnitty lie.*
Golem: I know! I can use my Party Energy to blow this thing up, Sonic SatAM-style!
Sapphire: If you’re doing it SatAM-style, I’m coming too.
Golem: But- (Sapphire twists his arm) Okay, you can come!
*Golem and Sapphire hold hands and surround themselves with a bubble of Party Energy. They fly into the core of Youma Ganon and kiss. This produces enough Party Energy for an explosion.*
Youma Ganon: NO, I WANTED TO RULE ALLL- (blows up)
GORE: Golem? Sapphire?
*Golem and Sapphire arise from the wreckage.*
Golem: Siphnitty’s dead.
Sapphire: Hey Golem, wanna go out for a night on the town after this?
Golem: Sweet! Does this mean our trial separation is over?
Sapphire: Yeah, it was longer than you thought.
Golem: Great, I’ll treat you to some Gamechampagne!
Sapphire: Sounds stupid. I’m in!
*Donkeyman’s heart lies beating, no longer supported by Siphnitty and thus no longer chocolate. Its beats become slower, and then SteveT stomps on it.*
SteveT: (still frozen in place) Take that, you stupid old mule!
Narrator: Back in Super Donkeyman Land…
Donkeyman: (clutches chest) No… My heart…
Loogi: You okay, champ?
Donkeyman: Everyone, evacuate the ship now! This is a direct order!
Vorpal: Hang on, Donkeyman! We haven’t contributed to these final battles at all and we’re the main characters! I think we deserve-
Donkeyman: Save it for the next OG, you stupid hippie unless you want to die early!
Masamune: This ship doesn’t have any escape boats.
???: Leave that to me!
*The Golden Cheesecake pulls up next to the Canadiandude.*
Scruffy: Came as soon as I could, looks like I’m a bit late.
Donkeyman: Forget the pleasantries!
*All the Canadiandude’s occupants retreat onto the Golden Cheesecake, which returns to Earth.*
Donkeyman: The ship must go down with its captain.
*When the ship is empty (save for a lone Mariorocks), he covers it in gasoline and ignites it on fire. Then he pushes the Flying Canadiandude ahead at full speed.*
Donkeyman: That’s it, hold the line… Please be right…
*The Flaming Canadiandude flies right into the Cheese Star, which immediately melts into nacho cheese. Lupus and Fred begin falling to Earth.*
Lupus: How do we survive this one?
Fred: Let’s let the readers at home decide and CHOOSE THEIR OWN ADVENTURE A) Moongoose, B) Hidden Parachute, C) Picked up By Eggman!..
*Fred and Lupus land on the deck of the Golden Cheesecake. Vorpal, Masamune and Murasame begin flexing their muscles intimidatingly.*
Lupus: Heyyy guys.
Fred: Are these the in-laws?
Vorpal: You guys have some nerve, betraying us again! This time, no excuses! We’re taking care of you for good…
Lupus: Truce?
Vorpal: Okay!
*The Golden Cheesecake comes to a landing nearby, and everyone is dropped off.*
Vorpal: That crazy sucker really did it.
Masamune: Wait, is that… it can’t be…
*The Flying Canadiandude, scorched but otherwise no worse for wear (it was crafted by Donkey-Demons after all), slowly descends and lands by the group. The ramp extends. Donkeyman limps out, struggling to breath. He finally stumbles and falls over to the ground at Sapphire’s feet. Donkeyman starts to reach up for her, but then stops and slumps over.*
Sapphire: Sorry, I’m not the witch you came to love.
Golem: Well I know I’ve married the witch I came to know!
*AaronGuy, Loogi and Mariorocks 400 swarm around SteveT.*
SteveT: What do you idiots want?
AaronGuy: We’re YOUR idiots now.
Mariorocks: You killed da boss! And due to a clause in the Donkeyman’s contract, you know get all of his possessions and his powers over death!
SteveT: …Hm. Let me test that out.
*SteveT concentrates and makes Elemental appear. Steve immediately proceeds to thrash Elemental around.*
SteveT: Alright crew! Your first job is to defrost me so I can give him a proper beating and then return him to the afterlife.
Mariorocks: Why coitenly!
*Kuria approaches.*
Kuria: Hey Steve, you’re the new captain of this ship if I heard correctly.
SteveT: Aye.
Kuria: I’d like to make a deal with you- a trade. My soul for Misty’s.
SteveT: Oh sure, who cares.
Kuria: Yes!
*Kuria rushes up to onto the Canadiandude with Ditto.*
Ditto: I’ll give you a tour of the ship. There’s the swimming pool, there’s the food stand, and there’s the garden where I’ll teach you how to grow potatoes, yams and scary words…
*Sad music echoes from the piano dimension as GORE and Golem approach Yami’s dying body. Yami suddenly gags and upchucks a large, fertile egg.*
Yami: Heh… just like Piccolo…
GORE: Dude, did you get some action in the Bad Timeline? Wait you’re a dude.
Yami: Yoshi reproduction is needlessly complex…. Yeah I’m dying…
Golem: No! We can find you help!
Yami: I’m done for… at least I’ll die near my friends…
GORE: Best friends.
Yami: DON’T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH! Well… this is at least… more satisfying… than being blown up in my pool… (dies)
*GORE and Golem cry out in pain and remember memories from another time…*
Flashback:
Yami Yoshi: Whoa, sitting here for three years not doing anything to get back my cheesecake sure is tiring. Oh well. (doorbell rings.)OOO! Visitors! (opens the door and sees GORE-ILLA.)
GORE-ILLA: Yami Yoshi....after all this time I've found you. I know where Lupuis is. We must go on one of those quests to defeat him and avenge your cheesecake. (thinking to himself) And to regain my memory that Lupus brainwashed when he captured me.
Yami Yoshi: Cool. Let's go.
Flashback:
Beezle: You're no match for my ultimate machine, you pitiful weaklings!
GORE: (whispers) C'mon Yami, we need to do this!
YY: Yeah, we're the only good heterosexual duo!
GORE: Wait, I suddenly have an idea!
- As the Skull Fighter continues stepping across the room, GORE and Yami leap in between the two hands, GORE at the left and Yami at the right. The left hand makes a fist and punches across toward GORE, but GORE leaps over it so it punches right through the right arm, severing it. As the right hand and sword starts to fall, Yami, standing on the left fist, catches it with his tongue and pulls it up so the sword cuts through the left hand.*
Flashback:
Senso: All right, OGers! Eat up!
Yami Yoshi: FOOD!!
- Yami Yoshi extends his long red tongue and wraps it around a juicy roasted turkey. Yami Yoshi reels in his tongue and swallows the turkey, bones and all*
GORE: Yami Yoshi! Where are your mann— *notices a bowl of cheese* OMFG CH3353!!11ONE
- Foaming at the mouth, GORE snatches the bowl of cheese and pops it into his mouth, swallowing the entire bowl whole*
Sword Master: O_o; I’m gonna have trouble getting used to you guys again…
GORE: Yami…
- Lupus walks by.*
Lupus: When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me- singing words of wisdom, “Let it be”…
*GORE and Golem walk off, and the egg cracks. A tiny Yoshi head peeks out.*
GORE: Aww… I’ll call him Ronnie…
*Back with Masamune and the others.*
Masamune: You know, this whole death-defying experience has only made me miss my mother.
*EVIL Scientist Dude lands right next to Masamune.*
EVIL Scientist Dude: I can help you there! I’ll build you a new mother, as I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf!
Vorpal: I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
*Misty runs up.*
Misty: Vorpal, I’m free!
Vorpal: Excellent! Now we can go back to being steady!
Misty: Yes, steady… (demonic glint in her eyes) forever…
Murasame: This is getting really old. I’ve been hanging around you squares for too long. Time to start making heads roll again! Murasame’s back, baby!
*Murasame boards a motorcycle and rides off across the glacier. The Beatles "Across the Universe" begins playing in the background. Or Louise Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World".*
Narrator: As the sun sets, Golem and Sapphire are enjoying a fancy restaurant, while GORE begins fashioning a coconut crib for Ronnie Yoshi. Masamune and EVIL Scientist Dude review schematics for the new robotic mother. And on the Canadiandude, Ditto and Kuria begin growing their scary words. Due to SteveT’s new rules, partying is prohibited on the cruise and so is done in secret.
SteveT: I don’t like parties!
Narrator: The Mariorockses begin sacrificing themselves numerous times in attempts to convince SteveT to revive the Donkeyman. Vorpal and Misty also did things. The OGers were glad to be reunited with the people from the Good Timeline that they had left on the floor, until they saw it was just Marin.
Roy: (wakes up and emerges from wreckage of Royk/Youma Ganon) Hey… I don’t hear any voices! They’re gone! I’m free, I’m free! Hahahaa! Now I can return to my life of obscurity with Tech Sgt. Toad and Metal Mario!
Carrotcake King’s Ghost: Great, I need a new host now! (sees GORE with Ronnie) Hey... he must be the Cheesecake Prince! I have found him at last!
Narrator: Disaster was narrowly averted. Though new trials waited on the horizon, for now the OGers could rest in peace and put themselves on the floor. Good night, OGers.
THE END
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