Story:MMEDDP Chapter 2
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Chapter 2
[The camera pans into a room where two figures are in the midst of discussion. And it’s none other than our newest presidential running mates who are innocently attempting to figure out a place to hold their Convention...]
Vorpal: Where should we hold our convention?
Ditto: Toronto?
Vorpal: That's in Canada! And besides no one really lives there!
Ditto: Trenton, New Jersey?
Vorpal: Okay!
Little known to our running mates, Pat Buchanan has something planned for the Doki Doki Panik Party.
--In his evil office at the Reform Party HQ...
Pukecannon: So, the MegaMega... Dookie, uh, Panicky Party thinks they have a chance at the White House, do they? Well, Pat Buchanan fights, and he fights hard...
-Picks up some barrels and heads out the door. Later, with our candidates--
Ditto: Okay, I got em'! Two first class train tickets to Trenton! Next stop, the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panic Party Convention!
Vorpal: Oh, boy! First class! Wait, where are we gonna hold the convention? Have we made any reservations?
Ditto: Nope. I guess we'll hold it in whatever hotel we stay at.
Vorpal: Great. Where did you make reservations?
Ditto: I thought YOU made those.
Vorpal: Nope. But I can. *Runs off*
AlGore [narrating briefly]: Sounds like a risky start-up political party scheme to me...
--Later, at the train station--
Ditto: Let's get into our compartment, quickly!
*They begin to run, until suddenly a barrel comes out of nowhere and smashes at their feet*
Ditto: *confused* Where did THAT come from?
Vorpal: Look! Up there! *Points to the roof of the compartment, where stands Pat Buchanan, throwing barrels a la Donkey Kong*
Buchanan: You'll never make it to Trenton! BWAHAHAHA... *throws more barrels*
*Vorpal draws his sword, and Ditto takes out his, uh, ball n' chain...*
Vorpal: You have a ball n' chain?
AlGore: Sounds like a risky ball n' chain scheme to me...
*The candidates smash their way through the obstacles, and climb safely into their first-class compartment. *
Vorpal: Whew! We're safe from that evil old man!
Ditto: *whistling* Look at the pretty scenery going by, the peaceful river, the majestic mountains, the sinister old man...
Vorpal: O.O *blink* The SINISTER OLD MAN?!?
*They look out the window to see Pat Buchanan clinging to the side of the carriage, trying to get in*
Pukecannon: *very mad* You can't get away from me!
Vorpal: Look! We're on a bridge now! Pull the stop cord!
AlGore: Sounds like a risky train stopping scheme to me...
Narrator: Ditto lunges for the cord and pulls it. The train jerks to a stop, and Buchanan is thrown off the train, falling over the bridge to the rushing river far below...
Pukecannon: YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE last of Pat Buchannaaaaannnnn.... *Splash*
Ditto: Whew! That was close! Now, where did you make reservations for the Convention?
Vorpal: I...the motel 8!
Ditto: *jaw drops*
Vorpal: What?
Ditto: Motel...8?
Vorpal: Yeah isn't that the one where that guy says, "We'll leave the light on for you"? I was thinking of making him Secretary of Cheese or somethin'.
AlGore: sounds like a risky motel arrangement scheme to me . . .
Ditto: How are we doin' in the polls?
Vorpal: Here they are.
Dubya - | || || || || || || AlGore - | || || || || Pukecannon - | || | Vorpal & Ditto - | || Nader - | || || |
Ditto: Wow! We have three!
Vorpal: Polls lie. We're actually in first.
Ditto: Sure *roll eyes*
Meanwhile...
In the White House, a tall form wearing Earth Tones and a stiff gait lurches menacingly through the darkly lit halls, around corners, toward his evil master's office...
AlGore: Pat Buchanan has been defeated, sir...
Clintin': *face hidden in the shadows* Curses! He's supposed to be our "spoiler" against Dubya, and he can't even stop two newbies?
*Buchanan walks in, soaking wet, with his arm in a sling*
Pukecannon: Sorry, master...
Clintin': Incompetent! I am surrounded by incompetence!
AlGore: What are you talking about, Bill? We ALL went to Ivy League Colleges...
Clintin': Well, I didn't mean REALLY incompetent. It's just that ALL evil villains say that when their minions fail them. It's in the handbook.
AlGore: That's why YOU'RE the President!
Buchanan: Let me try again. They will not stop me this time...
Clintin': Hmmm... Berating a minion for incompetence, then sending him out to try the same task again... Sure, villains do that all the time. Okay. BUT DON'T FAIL ME AGAIN!!!
*AlGore and Pukecannon leave*
Pukecannon: Why does he always say that, but never act on it?
AlGore: *rolls eyes* It's in the handbook. Standard procedure.
Meanwhile...
Ditto: I just thought of something!
Vorpal: Wow, AGAIN?
Ditto: Did we even fill out the "Statements of Candidacy" forms?
Vorpal: You have to fill out forms?
Ditto: *punching his fist into his hand* I betcha THAT'S why no one is taking us seriously yet!
Vorpal: Okay. So...?
Ditto: To WASHINGTON!
Clintin': So the Mega Extre . . . Doki Mega . . . Whatevers are coming to Washington. This is perfect.
Vorpal: Why didn't you tell me before. I thought anyone could run for president.
Ditto: Well, we could win by a write in vote, but no one knows how to pronounce your name so it would be harder for him or her to write it.
Vorpal: Vor-paul! What's so hard about it?!
Ditto: Well, first, you're in a Nintendo Message Board and you don't have a Nintendo Name.
Vorpal: But . . . but
Ditto: Shut up! We're here.
Vorpal and Ditto can see the Washington Monument in the distance as the sun rises. Suddenly, a press crew appears from nowhere... Leading them is... Ralph Nader!!!
Nader: So, you're the ones who think you can just waltz in here and try to whirlwind you're way around the American people with you're quick fix ideas?
Ditto: Do we have any ideas?
Vorpal: We should work on that...
Nader: Ha! SEE? Let the American People see that they are hopeless!
Vorpal: We believe in... tax cuts!
*cheers from crowd*
Vorpal: And... more for the American people!
*more cheers*
Nader: Oh yeah? Well, how do you respond to rumors, Mr. Vorpal that you used to be an evil overlord, complete with zombie servants, trying to take over the universe?
Vorpal: Hmmm... Well... I -
Nader: And Ditto... It says here you have a history of changing yourself to fit the occasion... and you also recently tried to... It says here... you "cloned your enemies in an attempt to kill them and replace them in a scheme to take over the universe." How do you two respond to such allegations?
Vorpal: I admit... I was young once, and I made a few mistakes... but... I never ACTUALLY took over anything...
Nader: Sure you didn't *smirk* And how many of us... NEVER TOOK OVER ANYTHING?
*The crowd drops their heads and begins shuffling their feet*
Nader: And finally, you don't even know which issues to support to please the electorate!
Vorpal: *Warming to the occasion* Well... our Campaign... IS NOT about determining who are the most likely demographic of voters, and wriggling and twisting into whatever the "numbers" say are the most popular issues... *patriotic music begins playing* Because... The election isn't about the people deciding who pleases them the most... but about candidates with their own ideas and beliefs, struggling to get their people to get up and show their support... It's not a popularity contest... but a contest about whom demonstrates the most potent leadership... and the American people are tired of being treated like spoiled, whiny children! And THAT'S how the system works, and, BY GOD, IT'S THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!!
*The crowd is silenced in awe*
Nader: *jaw drop*
Vorpal: *looks around at the awestruck crowd, then looks at Ditto* What did I do?
Ditto: You just gave a kick**s speech!
*Thousands, no millions cheer in unison*
Vorpal turns in the papers to run for President.
Vorpal: On to Trenton!
Mass of Fans: Yayyyyyyyyy!
Vorpal & Ditto hop on a train to Trenton.
Pukecannon: Hahahahaha you will not get away!
AlGore: Uhh, Pat… the train's leaving.
Pukecannon: Ah, man. I hate running.
AlGore and Pukecannon board the train and plan a way to ruin the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Convention.
Vorpal: I've been thinking, what should our animal be?
Ditto: I say, Three-toed sloth!
Vorpal: Yeah, but that's kinda hard for the political cartoonist to draw.
Ditto: How about an aardvark?
Vorpal: That sounds good. So are there any conventions happening this week other than ours?
Ditto: The Reform Party Convention.
Pukecannon: D'oh! I knew I forgot something.
At the Reform National Convention:
Guy #1: Where's Pat?
Guy #2: I dunno. Wanna get a doughnut?
Guy #1: Okay.
Sgt. Flutter: With freedom and milkshakes for all!
Voice: Tonight on Politically Incorrect with Bill Mahr! Musician - "Wierd Al" Yankovic Actor - Jim Carey Football Commentator - John Madden and Presidential Nominee of the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party - Vorpal! And here is your host - Bill Mahr!
Bill: Thank you, thank you! Wow! I know why you're all excited about - that’s right Mega Extreme Doki Fever! Ha, ha. Yeah, They're having their convention in -Trenton, New Jersey- and, this is true, yeah, apparently all the other major cities were already PANIKING about other conventions, ha, ha, uhh (tough crowd) Let's meet my guest's, shall we? Recently, had his new song on the Pokémon 2000 soundtrack, Polkamon, "Weird Al" Yankovic! Where are you Al? A very, very funny man, we love it whenever he's here, Jim Carey! Jim! One of my favorite football commentators, if I'd actually watch football once in a while, John Madden! And Presidential Nominee for the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party (breath), Vorpal! Hey, Vorp!
All the guests sit down.
Bill: Well, since we're on the subject of Presidents, Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik. "Panik" spelt with a "k" I might add.
Vorpal: Yeah, I didn't want Nintendo Co. Ltd. Knocking on my door because "Doki Doki Panic" was a game that came out in Japan, but it has no relation with the party.
Jim: Uh-huh, sure. I bet he just misspelled it, like Quayle and "potatoe!"
*Vorpal shoots him an angry glance*
Madden: Uh oh, I don't think he appreciated that, Jim! That one REALLY hurt!
Ditto: *in audience* Hey, Jim, nice work with "Me, Myself, and Irene!"
*Carrey turns red, crowd oooohhhs*
Vorpal: *addressing the audience* That movie was in theaters for, what, 8 minutes? They might just as well have shown the previews at Blockbuster...
*Crowd laughs*
Mahr: Okay, guys, okay, settle down now. Sitting in the audience, I understand, is your vice presidential nominee, Mr. Ditto McCloaker?
Ditto: *From audience* You suck, Carrey!
Carrey: Hey! Don't make me come up there!
Madden: Actually, I saw that too! I actually had to check my pulse to reassure myself I was still alive. That Whitie was the only funny guy in there!
Mahr: Uh, we'll be back... *sips coffee*
--TV goes off--
Sitting in the lobby of Motel 8, Vorpal and Ditto sit back and watch the program. Ditto is holding an autographed copy of "Amish Paradise" and Vorpal is chuckling to himself.
Vorpal: I don't think I wanna see how that ended again...
Ditto: Yeah, it was pretty much downhill after Madden trucked Jim.
Vorpal: *imitating Madden* Boy, he never saw THAT one coming! *They laugh* Frankly, I've never heard a skinny guy scream like that.
Ditto: *sipping hot chocolate* I was surprised he still had it in him, after all these years.
Vorpal: Weird Al sure was friendly though. He said he'd help us in the future.
Ditto: He autographed my copy of "Amish Paradise!"
Vorpal: Actually, I think that it helped our approval ratings a little.
Ditto: How are the polls looking?
Vorpal: Well, we're ahead of Pukecannon and Nader, and we're gaining on AlGore... but it looks like we're gonna have stiff competition from Sgt. Flutter.
Ditto: Sergeant?!? Oh MAN. People ALWAYS love the army guys...
In the morning...
Vorpal: Yawn...what month is it?
Ditto: Uh... August I think...
Vorpal: AUGUST!!!!! What year?
Ditto: ...2000.
Vorpal: Oh, okay.
Just as Vorpal is about to go back to sleep, both the President and VP nominees hear a knock on the door.
Ditto: I'll get it.
Vorpal: Who could be here at this ungodly hour?!
They both move towards the door and...
Vorpal: What about Dubya?
Ditto: Wha...?
Vorpal: Where's Dubya in the polls?
Ditto: Oh, he's first.
Vorpal: Oh, okay.
Vorpal opens the door and a cloaked figure grabs Vorpal and Ditto and starts to run away.
Ditto: Hey, what do you think you're doin'?
Just then their Motel 8 room blows up.
Vorpal: Our room had a bomb in it, but who was the person who saved us?
The cloaked figure is then revealed to be... . . . Yoshiman??!
Vorpal: Huh?
Yoshiman: I stopped by. Pukecannon was placing a bunch of wired dynamite with a large digital readout saying 2:00 on it and he ran.
Vorpal: Stupid no good . . .
Ditto: Shouldn't he be at the reform convention?
At the reform convention . . .
Peter Jennings: Well . . . it looks like the convention will be postponed ANOTHER week . . . I cannot work under these conditions . . . I'll be in my trailer.
Motel 8 in Trenton . . .
Ditto: So what are you doing here?
YM: Just a little stop on my presidential train run.
Vorpal: Pres...?
YM: Yeah, Fuzzball's running for president of the Split Personality Party.
Mr. P: (Walking up) We have .000002% of the votes.
Vorpal: Fuzzball . . . but isn't he the Pyromaniac?
YM: Yeah. Bill Clinton got back in the White House, Didn't he?
Vorpal: Good point.
YM: Well, good bye, and good luck, you'll need it! Mwhahahahahahahaha . . .
Mr. P.: (shouting from train) Hey, Yoshiman, the train’s leaving!
YM: D'oh! Didn't this already happen in this OG to Pukecannon?
Vorpal: Unoriginality is the key to happiness.
YM: Yeah, whatever. I gotta go!
Ditto: So Sgt. Flutter and Fuzzball, Yoshiman's pryromaniac personality, are also running for President.
Vorpal: How did they do that?
Ditto: They signed up, just like us.
Vorpal: No, I mean get on a train without being attacked?!?!
Ditto: I dunno.
[Sound of train crashing in the background]
Ditto: Did you hear something?
Vorpal: Nah, wanna watch "Super Mario Bros. The Movie"?
Ditto: You always want to watch that! Let's watch something else for a change?
Vorpal: "Star Wars"?
Ditto: No.
Vorpal: "Mortal Kombat"?
Ditto: No.
Vorpal: How about . . .
Ditto: No.
--Later...--
Ending Song to "Kikki's Delivery Service": And I'm gonna...FLYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyy.... ...Higher than I ever did befoooorrrrreee...
Ditto: *sniff* That was beautiful...
| Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik |
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