Gamehiker Member OG 8 Page 2

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Author: Masamune

Donkeyman: Well well well, I won. It's vacation for life, girly!

Misty: Okay.

Donkeyman: Now for the prisoners!

~The GCPA Crew are all held up with Donkeyman pacing back and forth~

Donkeyman: Right then. Time to choose. A hundred years paid vacation here.... or DEATH!

That Krazy Dude: NAY! You'll never find a GCPA pirate what will take a paid occupational leave! That's civilized stuff!

Captain Scruffy: Same for me.

Crew: Aye!

GORE: ... *glances at his crewmates* Actually I've been kinda anticipating a vacation for awhile.

Scruffy: Wait vacatio-

~The GCPA crew are all prompty disposed of but not killed because that's sound so final and unfair~

GORE: *sniff* That's the third crew I've went through! What am I cursed! *opens up hand where there's a black spot* Oh right right, I forgot about that.

Vorpal: GORE! Welcome to the Flying Arabdude!

Misty: You know this walking FULLY ROBOTIC carpet?

Vorpal: Yeah, we partied a few times... kinda.

GORE: Vorpal! We took you for dead! You know, when Masamune took your girlfriend and skedaddled leaving you for dead!

Misty: ... girlfriend?

Vorpal: Oh snap!

~Meanwhile~

Masamune: AAAAAARGH!

Black Pudding: Would you stop screaming!?

Masamune: Oh sorry.

~Black Pudding and Masamune fuse to form... Shadowmune! Which is a completely dark Masamune with white eyes, hook hands, and a pirate hat that looks like his old one... only black!~

Shadowmune: ~In the voice of Masamune and Black Pudding~ ... I am SHADOWMUNE!!! HAHAAHAH!

Kaiser Bear VII: Hey aren't you dead y- IT'S THE PUDDING GOD!!! *runs*

Shadowmune: Die mortal! *the black skin stretched out and grabs Kaiser Bear VII and flings him into a tree killing him and knocking his head off*

Kaiser Bear VIII: *picks up his father's head and looks up at the evil black man who killed him... swearing revenge! omgforeshadowing*

Shadowmune: Now for the rest of them!

~Inside the main palace~

Captain Ditto: Good job, we got them!

Viewtiful Greg: It's like I'm a hero!

Sexy Sapphire: Uh, yeah. Way to go on that.

Viewtiful Greg: It's too bad Lady in Red isn't here to see us... imagine what she'd say about you and me- *pauses* Oh... right. *glares*

Sexy Sapphire: Right. *glares back*

Viewtiful Greg: Sorry Cap, but I only work ALONE. Except when I work with the Gamehikers. Which is all the time.

Captain Ditto: *backhands Golem* We're a team, got it! Now quick, transform back to our normal form!

~They transform back just as Lupus, Fred, and Roy run in~

Golem: Lupus! Fred! Potential bad guy!

Roy: Don't worry, I'm a good guy for at least a few posts.

Fred: And our loyalties, as always, are dubious at best!

Lupus: Right.

~Dodo and Kuria arrive a moment later~

Kuria: Whew, guys! Those bears are being attacked!

Ditto: Excellent!

Dodo: By some weird Pudding Beast that tried to kill us!

Ditto: Hm, not excellent.

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

~Misty silently lifts her hand, which has transformed into a hand. Holding a katana. Which she shakes like a fan to create... a fan of katanas.~

Vorpal: Heh? (Damn you GORE). ~runs~

~Misty silently follows, tears maybe rolling down her face.~

GORE: Who was that chick?

Luigi: I don't know.

GORE: ~looks around~ So what happens now?

~GORE and Luigi lay in beach chairs wearing Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses.~

Luigi: You can't tan. You have fur.

GORE: Shut up.

Luigi: I don't think I've ever been more happ-- ~is lassoed and dragged off the ship~

GORE: Eh. ~sips a banana daiquiri~

~Meanwhile, Luigi is dragged onto the Lead Zeppelin, silently following the Flying Arabdude.~

Lynel: Hey... this isn't Vor-- ~falls asleep~

Straw Man: Yes it is.

SteveT: Crivens. Why'd you bring that hobo aboard?

Luigi: I hate my life.

Straw Man: Throw him overboard.

SteveT: Shut up.

Straw Man: Overboard! Overboard!

~SteveT throws Straw Man overboard. Straw Man climbs back up and sulks to his room.~

SteveT: Don't think we like you or anything. We were trying to save Vorpal because he hates Party Goers like you.

Luigi: SAVE him? That's a party ship! I want to go back!

SteveT: ~non-existent eyes dilate~ PARTY SHIP!

Author: Masamune

Viewtiful Greg: Good god, what is that thing?

Captain Ditto: If I'm right, a black pudding has fused with your friend, Masamune.

Dodo: But we had a deal! I wear black and he wears earth tones!

Captain Ditto: Looks like it's time to get a new wardrobe.

Sexy Sapphire: Well let's just beat him up.

Captain Ditto: It's no use, Masamune is immortal so beating him is useless. It's the pudding we gotta deal with.

Kuria: Alright so what then?

Captain Ditto: Greg and Sapphire shall go with me. We'll find a way to get rid of the pudding. I believe the rest of you have a key to worry about.

Dodo: But without Masamune... I'm just a sidekick, I don't even get top billing on the posters.

Captain Ditto: Then let her *jerks thumb at Kuria* take over. I need to get going. ~he disappears in a flash with Greg and Sapphire~

Kuria: ... okay, right then. To the Swordefeller!

Lupus: Hey what about us!

Kuria: I'm going to accept you into the crew despite you being enemies of mine several times in the past.

Fred: Swanky.

Roy: And me?

Kuria: You're just a harmless geeky looking guy, so get on. We've got a oven to find, gentlemen.

~MEANWHILE~

Misty: How COULD you, Vorpal! I'd kill you right now, but... I want to see that hussy die first.

Vorpal: L-listen, can't we talk about this first?

~Misty drags Vorpal back to where GORE is out tanning~

Misty: You, carpet. Where is this woman?

GORE: Which woman? Kuria or Tiffa?

Misty: Tiffa?

Vorpal: Erk. Kuria Ortiffa. That's her full name, right GORE?

GORE: No, it's-

Vorpal: *backhands GORE* Right, GORE?

GORE: Oh yeah, I just remembered.

Misty: Good. I'll just go talk to the captain so we can take out a temporary boat and-

Mariorocks 66: ENEMY SHIP OFF THE STARBOARD BOUGH!

~Captain Donkeyman arrives on the deck~

Captain Donkeyman: ... interesting. Ready the cannons, lads. Let's see how they like Disco.

Vorpal: Uh, Disco?

Misty: Nobody has ever beaten Donkeyman in a Disco Battle. Once he fires the Disco Balls... well, you'll just have to see.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Music begins blaring throughout The Flying Arabdude. Several large cannons emerge from the ship. The cannons all begin firing Disco Balls towards the Lead Zeppelin.*

Donkeyman: That's it, make Poppa proud.

*Aboard the Lead Zeppelin...*

Lynel: (glances at radar) I think we have a blip here... Might be a projectile of some sort...

*Suddenly a disco ball rockets through the floor of the Zeppelin and tears through the roof.*

Lynel: Yes, definitely a projectile.

*The disco ball continues flying above the Lead Zeppelin, then explodes and rains shrapnel onto the ship.*

Lynel: We're going down.

SteveT: Deploy my escape pod.

Luiigii: Do we get an escape pod?

SteveT: You can swim.

*SteveT boards the escape pod and pilots it past the swarm of disco balls and lands on the ship. He then tears the escape pod open. He finds himself surrounded by Vorpal, GORE-ILLA, Aaron, Misty and the other crewmates, all wielding scimitars and/or Disco Launchers.*

SteveT: Bring it on.

*Elsewhere, the Luiigii and the remainder of the SteveTrio desperately pilot the falling Lead Zeppelin to dodge more of the disco balls.*

Straw Man: No no, you just have to jiggle it!

Lynel: YOU'RE NOT HELPING!

*Elsewhere, EVIL Scientist Dude leads Murasame and generic minions in the Flying Monkey.*

EVIL Scientist Dude: I believe we are closing in on Yami Yoshi's location. He is swimming in the direction of England.

Murasame: Whatever.

EVIL Scientist Dude: He is exactly what is needed in our cause. His power is great, if it can be turned to our cause... of course Donkeyman has his own reasons, says something about him having swallowed a key or something...

*Captain Ditto teleports Viewtiful Greg and Sexy Sapphire to London, where Shadowmune is on a rampage.*

Captain Ditto: Alright. I think we might have time to plan a strateg-

*Captain Ditto looks down and notices the tip of a sword emerging from his gut. Shadowmune withdraws the sword and smirks.*

Shadowmune: No! What am I doing?

Viewtiful: Captain Ditto, NO!

Captain Ditto: I'm okay, he missed me!

Sexy Sapphire: ...

*Viewtiful Greg unleashes a powerful combo on Shadowmune, ending with a kick that knocks him into a building that topples over on top of Shadowmune. A few seconds later, Shadowmune emerges and repairs his body. He rushes towards Greg.*

Sexy Sapphire: (sighs and walks away)

*By narrow chance, Viewtiful Greg dodges all of Shadowmune's sword strokes. What are the odds? He delivers more punches and stuff but they're all useless. Elsewhere, Sexy Sapphire has climbed to the top of the clock tower and fires a flare gun. Shadowmune is attracted by the bright light and leaps towards it.*

Viewtiful Greg: Sapph, no!

*Shadowmune quickly pounces on Sexy Sapphire and knocks her over.*

Shadowmune: My inner good could use some help here!

Sexy Sapphire: This might hurt a bit, but hey, you're immortal!

*Sexy Sapphire pulls out one of her guns and fires it into the church bell. It rings loudly. Shadowmune clutches his ears in frustration and screams as the Black Pudding separates from him.*

Masamune: Well. That turned out well!

*The Black Pudding slinks away. Masamune and Sapphire walk about to Viewtiful Greg and Captain Ditto.*

Sexy Sapphire: See? Took care of the pudding no problem!

Captain Ditto: Uh, Sapph...

Viewtiful Greg: Behind you!

*They turn around and see Yami Yoshi stampeding towards them, covered in the Black Pudding. Thus making him the redundantly-named Shadow Yami Yoshi.*

*Elsewhere, Kuria is loading up the SS Swordefeller.*

Fred: We have to leave! I'm late for tea!

Kuria: I'm not leaving without Masamune!

*Suddenly Masamune runs round a bend, with Golem, Sapph and Ditto. Kuria looks relieved. Then Shadow Yami Yoshi wheels around the bend, slobbering from the mouth and followed by the remaining bears.*

Kuria: Okay, time to go!

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Luiigii: ~points at the Flying Arabdude~ Get me over there!

Lynel: Sure. Just use the catapult.

~The catapult is destroyed by a disco ball.~

Lynel: Um. All I have is this mallet.

Straw Man: Everybody was kuuung fuuu fiiightiiing! Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!

Luiigii: ~grabs the mallet~ It'll work.

Straw Man: Those cats they--

~Luiigii pounds Straw Man into a crack between two of the ship's lead planks. He pops back out flattened into a surfboard. Luiigii grabs him and jumps into the water, then surfs to the Flying Arabdude.~

Lynel: ~looks around as the Lead Zeppelin sinks like... lead~ I hate those guy... sss... ~falls asleep~

~Poor Lynel.~

***

~SteveT casually makes his way to Donkeyman's office as the others hack vainly at him with their swords.~

SteveT: Seriously, guys. We do this every freaking OG. Stop hitting me.

GORE-ILLA: Relent, fiend!

Aaron: You won't stop our vacation!

Vorpal: Hey, why are YOU siding with US?

Aaron: Circumstance makes strange bedfellows.

Misty: Oh my GOD! You're sleeping with HIM too!

Vorpal: No! It's an expression!

MJ: ~pops out of nowhere~ No it's not! I've been waiting for this moment! ~puckers up and approaches Vorpal, but is diced into a thousand pieces and thrown to the conveniently arriving sharks by Misty~

Vorpal: I'll never get that image out of my head...

GORE-ILLA: Focus, you morons!

Mariorocks66: Why coitently!

~SteveT is becoming dented! The horror! Suddenly, Luiigii jumps onto the deck and inflates Straw Man.~

Luiigii: I see now what is happening! Go Steve! Though our reasons are very different for wanting this, you MUST sink this abomination! Straw Man and I shall hold them off!

Straw Man: ~puts himself into a headlock~ I've got one! I've got one!

SteveT: Um... yeah. Sure, thanks, I guess.

~Luiigii jumps into the midst of the mob and ignites his laser sword, while SteveT pushes his way out and runs for Donkeyman's office.~

GORE-ILLA: WTF man?

Luiigii: As a man unburdened by the stress of work, I can see the truth about vacations. And that truth is, vacations are never as good as they seem!

~The others stare at him.~

Luiigii: One minute everything's perfect. Next thing you know, your family starts to bicker...

~Vorpal and Misty trade glances.~

Luiigii: ...or you get rained in...

~Aaron looks back at all the storms the Flying Arabdude has encountered.~

Luiigii: ...or you get called away by your boss...

~Mariorocks66 glares in the direction of Donkeyman's office.~

Luiigii: ...or, um... you get... sunburned?

GORE-ILLA: ~gasp!~ How did you know?!

Luiigii: I was right?

GORE-ILLA: No! Let's kill him!

Others: ~brandish their swords~ YAAAAAH!

Luiigii: ...dammit.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*The Swordefeller has barley departed when Shadow Yami Yoshi lifts it up and flings it onto the shore.*

Masamune: I hate it when this happens.

Kuria: Last stand time?

Masamune: Last stand time.

*The Gamehikers all brandish their weapons and charge towards Shadow Yami Yoshi... except for Lupus and Fred, who run away. Shadow Yami Yoshi releases black, inky tendrils that one-by-one slap down Masa, Kuria, Sapphire and Ditto.*

Masamune: Yeah... I've had better last stands...

*Only Viewtiful Greg remains standing. Shadow Yami Yoshi summons some more tendrils that hold Greg up.*

Shadow Yami Yoshi: I am matter... and I am antimatter! I have seen into the beyond! I know the secrets to undoing this timeline and creating my own perfect timeline! The key is in you... Golem.... the Messiah of Parties... in your death!

Viewtiful Greg: Stop! You don't know what your doing!

*Shadow Yami Yoshi forms a shotgun out of pudding matter and approaches Viewtiful Greg.*

Shadow Yami Yoshi: Heh heh... Looks like The Kester was right. I kill you... and then armageddon! Right on schedule...

Viewtiful Greg: No...

*Viewtiful Greg puts the V-Watch to Fast-Forward, and vibrates his way free.*

Shadow Yami Yoshi: Are you going to fight me, boy?

*Viewtiful Greg looks at Shadow Yami Yoshi for a minute, then turns and runs away at superspeed. Shadow Yami Yoshi laughs and begins filing his nails.*

Shadow Yami Yoshi: Coward.

*Suddenly, Viewtiful Greg appears from the opposite horizon, still running at superspeed. He punches Shadow Yami Yoshi as he passes and continues running. Shadow Yami Yoshi is knocked over by the blow, and a piece of the Black Pudding disintegrates. Viewtiful Greg runs around and around the world continuously, passing various locales without reversing time like in that old Superman movie. After several more around-the-world-punches, Viewtiful Greg stops, vibrates his fist at superspeed and uses it to wipe away all the remaining Black Pudding.*

Shadow Yami Yoshi: AHHHH!!!

*An explosion follows. When it clears, Yami Yoshi is lying naked in a crater.*

Viewtiful Greg: Guys... I don't feel so well... (disappears)

Yami Yoshi: Well! What do you know? I did kill him!

*Masamune picks up Yami in anger.*

Yami Yoshi: (lays an egg) Oh, I was wrong. This is the part where you kill me.

*Masamune glares at Yami in anger and then puts him down.*

Masamune: I'm not the man who killed President Yami Yoshi.

Ditto: Wait! Golem's still alive! I can establish contact with him through the V-Force... but his presence is fading.

Sapphire: Golem?

Golem: Sapphire? Come and join me... This is a wonderful place... the V-Force...

Sapphire: No, Golem, hold on!

*Sapphire reaches into the portal and grabs Golem's hand, then begins pulling. Masamune grabs Sapphire's hand.*

Masamune: I'm here too, Golem!

*Kuria grabs Masamune's hand.*

Kuria: We're all here!

*Ditto grabs onto Kuria's hand. Then Fred and Lupus come from nowhere to join the chain. Finally Batman grabs the end. They all pull, and Golem flies out. His V-Watch is broken and sparking.*

Golem: I don't think I can go that fast ever again... or I'm not coming back...

Captain Ditto: Aw, his V-Watch is broken!

*Sapphire tosses her V-Watch onto the ground and stomps on it, shattering it.*

Sapphire: Whoops, looks like my V-Watch broke too! Guess I'll never have to wear that stupi- I mean charming costume ever again.

*Yami's egg hatches, and the key to the oven is within.*

Masamune: Aha! My hunch is right! The key was hidden where no one would think to look, within an obscure flavor of cheesecake no one would dare dream of eating! But the Donkeyman did not anticipate that Yami, in his hunger for cheesecake, would eventually find that flavor and decide to try it. I must say, that long-winded explanation was perfectly logical! Now all we need... is to find the oven...

Author: Vorpal

Narrator: *with an intentiaonally low and raspy voice* Get ready for the feel-good action blockbuster of the year...

Luiigii VS. Everyone

Narrator: Witness the most insane sword fight ever as Luiigii battles everyone. *scenes showing Luiigii defending against a myriad of swordfighters* ....... Actually... that's all this film really is... just one big sword fight... TWO HOURS LONG!

*SteveT walks to Donkeyman's room now unhindered by the crew who are now involved in an epic movie sword fight and opens the door*

*Donkeyman's back is facing SteveT, as he sits at a large organ, and then picks up a tuba and starts pumping away at it.*

SteveT: Uhm... excuse me.

Donkeyman: *still plays... sounding eriely similar to the theme from "Titanic"*

SteveT: Excuse me!

Donkeyman: *stops playing and turns around* Yes?

SteveT: It's come to my intention that this is essentially a party boat, and while I myself loathe parties and wish to kill all those associated with party making.

Donkeyman: Well... you may already be too late.

SteveT: Why do you say that?

Donkeyman: We've been sailing far north... north to the north pole which is the only place cold enough to store my heart and ensure it doesn't go bad.

SteveT: And... why would that make it too late to kill you?

Donkeyman: Cause... NO ONE'S PILOTING THE SHIP AND WE JUST HIT AN ICEBURG!!!

SteveT: ... No we didn't.

Donkeyman: Sorry... said my line too quick...

*The Flying Arabdude hits an iceburg and begins to sink*

SteveT: Ah, there we go!

*The crew and all the fighters are frantically running around trying to get life preservers and life boats, however, the ship begins sinking too fast, and only a few boats make it out before the entire thing sinks... however all of the main characters are either in the the boats or alive among the debree... how convenient.*

Vorpal: *grabs Misty and drags her on to large piece of floating wood* Here... g-g-get out of the freezing water.

Misty: But... what about you.

Vorpal: Make sure I stay above water until a boat arrives... it's hard to stay afloat with all this heavy armor.

Misty: What did you say?

Vorpal: *being overwhelmed by his water saturated suit* I said to make sure I stay above wa--bubbubub *sinks*

Misty: *watches as Vorpal sinks down* Nooooooo!

Vorpal: *pops back up frozen inside a huge ice cube*

Misty: O_O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Luiigii: ~totally standing on the iceberg now~ That fight I was so winning was interrupted! No!

GORE-ILLA: Winning?! I was handing you your ass!

Luiigii: Liar!

GORE-ILLA: It is so continued!

~GORE shoots laser beams at Luiigii, who uses his laser sword to deflect them into the iceberg, cleaving it in two. GORE jumps onto the half that Luiigii isn't on. Laser beams are wontonly deflected for a bit, much to the anger of the other survivors, who throw snowballs of meaness.~

Misty: YOU ARE RUINING MY ROMANTIC SCENE!

~As the icebergs drift closer, GORE punches at Luiigii, who jumps onto his tree trunk-esque arm, but slips on the frosty fur. GORE catches Luiigii's flailing feet and slams him through the iceberg. As Luiigii crashes through it, he melts handholds into the ice that stop him just shy of the water, then starts to climb back up.~

GORE-ILLA: ~looks at the Luiigii-shaped hole in the ice~ At last, the end of our great rivalry. ~sees Luiigii climbing out~ Oh snap. ~grabs an icicle and throws it into the hole~

Luiigii: Oh, one of those party-sized Subway subs.

~Luiigii loses his grip in shock and, amidst his trying to grab back on, is completely missed by the icicle. Kids, this is a true story. Avoid all icicles that look like party-sized Subway subs. I'M DEAD SERIOUS!~

GORE-ILLA: And now, to end our rivalry with a song that is not a plug to Music Goers.

Luiigii: ~leaps out of the hole~ Not so fast! How dare you waste food like that?!

GORE-ILLA: DIE DIE DIE! ~throws snowballs at supersonic speeds at Luiigii, who uses his TIME BREAK SKILLS to get hit by every one... because he doesn't have Time Break skills.~

Luiigii: Ugh... but... the deathmatch... I won... the deathmatch...

GORE-ILLA: Well then. LONG LIVE THE KING!

~GORE leaps to the other iceberg, through a wave of water crashing up between them. At the last second, Luiigii slides under GORE and catches him by the waist, then suplexes them both into the water.~

AaronGuy: Well.

Mariorocks66: Oy. Should I dredge them up?

AaronGuy: Absolutely not.

Author: Golem

OoC: Yeesh! Do you guys usually have ten million storylines running at once?
Anyway, if I mess up the plot at all, please yell. I'm not sure I got all the info crammed into the past page and a half.
I have to admit I don't know what's up with Masamune's fear of Murasame. If someone could clue me in, that'd be woot-tastic.

Yami: ~now normal size~ Ugh... how many people did I eat...? ~collapses in nap-mode on the ground, his mouth hanging open~

Sapphire: So, do you have any other hunches, Masamune?

Masa: Well,

~Murasame lands next to Masamune. Masamune jumps back while everyone looks up to find the Flying Monkey.~

Murasame: Hey.

~Murasame runs over to Yami Yoshi and grabs him by the tongue.~

Murasame: Get up.

Golem: Hold it right... hold it right there!

~Everyone but Masamune gets up to stop Murasame. Murasame backhands Golem into everyone else, sending them all toppling like a bunch of bowling pins, possibly defying the laws of physics but whatever. He then spins Yami Yoshi around vertically by his tongue. Murasame uses the force behind this swing to hurl Yami upwards towards the Flying Monkey, where a hatch opens and an oversized mechanical hand grabs Yami Yoshi then throws him onto the ship. Murasame gets ready to jump up as the Flying Monkey is descending. The hand reaches down to grab Murasame, but at the last instant Masamune tackles Mura and the hand misses.~

Masa: Seen any good ovens lately?

Author: Fred

Murasame: Did I ever tell you that you are an awful brother?

Masamune: Did I ever tell you about YOUR MOM? ...I feel dirty, like GORE.

Murasame: I'm not even going to justify that with an answer.

Masamune: But this is a conversation we're in the middle of! There can't be nothing happening in an OG!

Murasame: Oh, right. Well, I guess I will answer you with my blade, instead!

Captain Ditto: Something tells me you're outnumbered here. Quick, Kuria, use your Gold lasso!

Sapphire: What?

Kuria: What?

Golem: Huh?

Masa: We did the Justice League reference a few posts ago.

Captain Ditto: And then followed it up with a Marvel reference!

Murasame: Didn't I fight three sword-users at once in GMOG2 with nothing but my awesome? There was a rolling waterwheel, and- oh, nevermind. Besides, there's always the Flying Monkey.

(The hand that had missed Murasame continued on, and Fred and Lupus had boarded it back to the ship. They jeer and Fred waves a hat to them before wearing it on his foot. Roy hangs on to the back of the hand for dear life.)

Murasame: That can't be good.

Masamune: You're surrounded! Still! And we beat you in GMOG3!

Murasame: But you were getting destroyed in GMOG7! Or was it six? Anyways, the villain was some loser like Wario Jr.!

Kuria: Listen, can you hurry it up a bit? I'm kind of worried about Vorpal.

Sapphire: Just beat him and we'll dump him in the ocean again. In a minefield. We have to start beating villains sometime.

Murasame/Masamune: Shut up! We're having our moment of tension!

Golem: ...so Ditto, I was going real fast there, huh? Think I could go to the Olympics with Sonic and Mario?

Captain Ditto: I'm not sure how to break this to you.

(On the Flying Monkey)

ESD: There you are, Yami Yoshi. It somehow feels awkward to be working with you. Well, after all things are said and done experiments on your death-defying self are in order. And you three... Enter. I've been expecting you.

Fred: We've got Earth Fire Wind And Water and the only thing left is HEART I REQUIRE A BEATING HEART I HAVE THE KEY TO YOUR HEART (Fred lunges at ESD with his key, but ESD sidesteps and throws a pumpkin bomb or something)

Lupus: I just came here because I feel more comfortable being awesome in the air, for some reason. I also have the strangest fear of Volkswagons. It's uncanny. Enough tidbits about me. Set the controls for the heart of the sun.

Roy: You think you have issues?! SOON ALL SHOW BOW I need some hunny, ESDiglit.

ESD: I've brought you here for an important reason. It's in all of our best interests that the alternate universe occurs. Or, more accurately, had occurred.

Lupus: We've already done an RPG reference, and Chrono Trigger is an inferior game to Final Fantasy 6.

Fred: Let's do a GPS reference on the rocks and maybe it's a TALES OF PHANTASIA reference is it?!!! (insert row of random smilies)

ESD: The Good timeline has you, Lupus. You can take the blue pill, and wake up in your house in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. You can take the red pill, and that helps digestion. I've also got Tylenol and Flintstones vitamins if you're into the harder stuff.

Fred: I'll take Giant Mexican Robots for $500, Evil.

ESD: Stop interrupting me. Based on the Reverse chronographer I created, I found that Lupus will take over the world, Roy will never be in an OG, I will make laser guns that shoot out technology, Fred will lose that last baby tooth, and Yami Yoshi will be the greatest hero to ever live.

Lupus: Won't that interfere with my plans?

ESD: I don't see why it will be much of a big deal, we'll just get the drop on him and build a gorilla army, or something. Anyways, so we'll take over the Caribbean military sect of Team Rocket and use it to get to the heart.

Lupus: Which we will hold The Donkeyman and his minions hostage with. Either they kill Glasses and we win, or we rule the world and we win!

Fred: It's like we win 5 out of 2 times!

(Meanwhile, at the bottom of the cold, cold ocean floor)

GORE: That was cold, man.

(Luigi can't talk because he's already totally frozen)

GORE: Oh, right, dying. Well, I could probably make it up to the surface, but my GBA still has some battery left and at least there won't be any glare down here.

(GORE and Luigi are picked up by a yellow Cheesecake armada submarine and defrosted)

GORE: What year is it? Did the commies win?

Scruffy: Unfortunately, yes. We're stuck in their crazy fantasy underwater world of submarines and the Blue Menials. Legend has it that a fantastic oven is somewhere around these parts.

Que Pasa: Legend also has it that THE CAYKEN SHIT GUN IT

(That Krazy Dude grabs Stampede's gun and fires it at the hull of the ship)

That Krazy Dude: I'm gunnin' as hard as I can, captain! She can't take much more of this

Author: GORE-ILLA

*The Golden Cheesecake speeds off while pursued by the Cayken. Lupine pulls out a rocket launcher and aims it at the Cayken. However, his fragile body cannot hold up the weight, and he falls over.*

GORE: This is kinda fun, huh? We should visit an octopus's garden after we're done with this thing!

Luigi: Shush, I don't wanna draw much attention to myself. Look in that janitor's hands.

*GORE looks towards That Krazy Dude and sees a mop in his hands.*

GORE: Oof, your ex. Must be rough.

Que Pasa: Then let's stack it like a sandwich!

*Edwin puts on his sparring gear and loads himself into Que Pasa's nose cannon. Que Pasa immediately fires Edwin into the Cayken, but the Cayken immediately swallows him and spits him back.*

Edwin: That was a strange experience.

Scruffy: C'mon crew, we gotta pull together!

*Elsewhere, the Gamehikers and Murasame (chained to the floor) are travelling towards the north pole in a caravan hijacked from some guy named Imajin.*

Kuria: He gave up that information very easily.

Masamune: Too easily... give him some more chains while I hit on you for no reason.

Kuria: I'm down with that.

*Back in Icebergville, Misty is defrosting Vorpal with a hair dryer. The Donkeyman spies on this scene from atop an icy path with Vorpnoculars, now dressed in hiking clothes. He is accompanied only by Mariorocks and AaronGuy.*

Donkeyman: That's it Vorpal, or should I say Vorp-Man... savor your last moments of happiness for this is the happiest you'll ever be compared to your emotions when I fulfill my revenge!

Mariorocks: Wheah to next, boss?

*Donkeyman puts away his Vorpnoculars and stands to address Mariorocks, taking out a walking stick.*

Donkeyman: Simple mathematics, my dear Mariorocks. We're going to the North Pole! Let's make sure EVIL Scientist Dude and my other loyal minions pick up the package without any... difficulty.

AaronGuy: I want to kill things.

Donkeyman: Oh you'll get your chance, AaronGuy, don't you fret.

*Vorpal is fully defrosted and wakes up in a ski resort in Iceburgsville.*

Vorpal: Wow Misty what ha-

*Misty pounces on Vorpal and begins making out.*

*Back on the trail, Donkeyman looks down, noticing he had crushed an insect beneath his hoof. He smiles.*

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

~The Cayken grabs the submarine and smashes it against the bottom of an iceberg. Freezing water bursts into the hull from all points... well, almost all points. Hiding in an empty torpedo shaft because he doesn't want to deal with the GCPA (jerk), Luiigii is unfazed. That is, unfazed until...~

Skanky Siren: ~runs around screaming~ OCTOPIIOCTOPIIOCTOPIIOCTOPII--

Scruffy: Fire torpedos! And put a gag in her mouth!

Que Pasa: We have no torpedos!

Edwin: Do we even have torpedo ports?

Scruffy: Yes. Take off Siren's top and stick her in one. She shall smite the beast with her fearsome b--

Que Pasa: ~slips and presses the fire button~ Err... oops.

~Luiigii is propelled into the Cayken's mouth and out the other end, now holding a mysterious oven that goes thump thump. He is shot through an iceberg and lands headfirst in Icebergsville, next to Donkeyman.~

Donkeyman: My oven! I thought it was at the North Pole, BUT APPARENTLY NOT!

Luiigii: Wait. Ovens make food. I need food to live. Therefore, I need this oven. ~smashes Donkeyman's face with it and runs~

***

Masamune: ~staring at someone's booted leg, set on a stool in front of himself~ I'm going to need the other one.

~Pan up to show that the leg belongs to Golem. He sighs and switches feet. Masamune rips the boot off and puts it on himself.~

Golem: But without boots, my feet will die.

Masamune: Better to live with no feet than to live with NO HEAD, got it?

Golem: I miss my P-Watch.

~The caravan comes to a sudden stop. The random driver's corpse is thrown through the roof and crushes everyone under himself because he was obscenely obese. As they try to push him off, Mariorocks and AaronGuy enter. Mariorocks leans down and takes the key from Masamune, then the two walk away to the sound of A TICKING BOMB!~

Masamune: No!

Murasame: Wait! We work together! You're supposed to save me first!

Masamune: Ha! You got fired!

Kuria: We're all going to be ON FIRE-d if we don't do something!

Sapphire: Bones... melting... under weight...

Golem: Sapphire, I...

~TENSION-BUILDING CUT OFF!~

***

~Luiigii bursts into the ski resort with Vorpal and Misty.~

Luiigii: Help help!

Vorpal: DUDE! Not now!

Misty: I swear, if I get cut off mid-make out one more time--

~Donkeyman bursts through one wall and backhands Luiigii through another, then remembers that he still has the oven. Before he can go after, Vorpal and Misty jump in his way, sword and dagger-fan drawn. Donkeyman pulls out a ballista.~

Vorpal: You can't use a siege weapon!

Donkeyman: Oh can't I?!

~Donkeyman fires the ballista, which completely overshoots and breaks through the roof of the resort. He scowls and pulls out not one, but TWO claymores.~

Donkeyman: COME GET SOME!

~As Vorpal and Misty attack, the arrow continues flying until it crashes into a mountain and starts an avalanche. The ski resort is swept away, but Donkeyman, Vorpal, and Misty continue their duel in a large sled that is riding the snow wave.~

***

~Meanwhile, before said avalanche, Luiigii crashes into AaronGuy and Mariorocks, returning from their job, and knocks them both out. He sits down and tries to open the oven, but finds it locked. Then spying the key, he uses it to unlock it...~

Luiigii: My goodness.... It's made of CHOCOLATE!

~Then the avalanche hits, sweeping him away and preventing him from eating it.~

Author: Golem

~The heart expands. It stands up on two feet at the end of two legs, reaches forward with two arms, and looks around with one head atop one neck. As it does this, its dark color gleams in the sunlight, but it grows even darker, seeming to become black. He seems to be made purely of black pudding.~

Heart: Grararrhh.

~Luigi pops his head above snow next to the stove. He reads something written inside...~

Luigi: "Do not open. Contents: Siphnitty, last of the Siphnit clan. May require fusions to defeat." Huh.

~Under the ruins of the caravan...~

Golem: ...I do!

Sapphire: Golem, you're--ow--you're delirious. But still, you're so romantic when the flow of blood to your brain is getting cut off...

~Sapphire, in the meantime, has been inching her umbrella out of her pocket. She has finally managed to get it out and pops it. Being superhero-industrial-strength, it manages to prop the caravan driver up some. She inches out from underneath him and looks on top of him for the bomb; the umbrella has not propped him up enough to let the others out. She finds the bomb duct-taped to the driver and tugs on the tape and the bomb. Soon finding that her efforts are futile, she turns to the others.~

Sapphire: The bomb is duct-taped on.

Masamune: Not duct tape!!

Sapphire: Murasame, I need your sword.

Murasame: Take Masa's!

Sapphire: Masamune is completely buried under this guy, there's no way I can get that sword.

Mura: . . .

Sapphire: Trust me on this.

~With a grumble, Mura gives her his sword. She readily takes it and swipes it at the duct tape--but to no avail, it's not going to be sliced off. She pauses and notices the bomb is down to the last thirty seconds... she then goes over to the side of the driver opposite the umbrella and cuts a semi-circle around the caravan driver. She jumps on top of him and jumps on him again with all her force. The semi-circle of ice below falls as the umbrella props the driver further into the water. He sinks, and the others back away from the semi-circle cut out by the sword, breathless but safe. Sapphire tosses the sword to Murasame.~

Murasame: Is this a lesson on who my friends are?

Golem: Yeah!! You see,--

Masamune: No. Not really. Come on, I--is that black pudding?!

~Masamune points to Siphnitty off in the distance.

At the base of the avalanche, Donkeyman sees his heart.~

Donkeyman: My heart! Come to me! ~runs past Vorpal and Misty, rapidly flailing his arms~

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Donkeyman: B*tch!

~Donkeyman tries to stab Sapphire, but she opens her parasol quickly and blocks it. Golem leaps on Donkeyman's back and pulls his mane.~

Donkeyman: Well, if it isn't Elemental!

~Donkeyman grabs Golem and throws him spread-eagle onto Sapphire's parasol, then raises his claymore again. Before he can stab Golem, Sapphire twirls the parasol and flings him into the distance. She closes it quick and parries Donkeyman's next strike.~

Donkeyman: Why did you leave me for him?!

Sapphire: Because you smell? I dunno.

Donkeyman: You said you liked my smell... (frowns)(

***

~Back on the Flying Monkey, Luiigii runs clockwise circles around ESD's mech to avoid gunfire, because mechs are of course slow and unruly.~

ESD: Wait, no they're not.

~The mech rotates at the waist instead of waddling around and immediately catches Luiigii in the crossfire.~

Luiigii: AAAAAAARGH! I'll never write again! ~falls over clutching his bullet-riddled right arm~ Good timeline, they says! I'll NEVER WRITE AGAIN! Or walk straight. I mean, OR WALK STRAIGHT!

ESD: You're telling me, brother. Err... son. ~slams Luiigii against the wall with a punching glove~

Luiigii: Was that necessary?! I'm freaking dying! Again!

ESD: I just wanted to put you in a compromising position, boy. Now listen. We intend to kill Golem and bring about a timeline in which you were TEMPORARILY a spirit working for Lupus but lead a very happy life after that ((as a goomba...)) Earth will be intact, unlike what the almanacs are saying for THIS timeline. You can either help us, or you can go boom.

Luiigii: Why me?

ESD: Heck, I taught you everything I know. If you didn't pick up that evil streak, I dunno who will.

~Farmer Jon bursts through the floor of the Flying Monkey and starts crossing himself.~

Farmer Jon: What's this abomination doing in my flight path, little brother? And why are you attacking Martha?

ESD: Ah, it's about time to get you out of the way...

~ESD points a gatling gun at Farmer Jon, but Jon turns his arm into a scythe (can he do that in this continuity? Oh well...) and cuts it off, then cuts off the punching glove arm as well, dropping Luiigii. Since ESD is... erm... physically inept, he remains in the mech and charges at Jon. Jon turns his other arm into an ox-drawn cart and waits for ESD to step into it, then pulls it out from under him and knocks him over. ESD throws himself up and on to Jon, punching him with the stubs of his mech's arm while they fly into the Flying Monkey's hull. As Jon tries to pull himself out of the new indent, ESD draws the broken arms back into the mech and brings out new ones that include a vacuum cleaner and an electric welder. ESD sucks Jon toward him, then remembers that you need both hands to start a torch. He drops Jon and ignites the welder, but by then Jon has turned his arms into a giant water trough and throws the water on it to put it out. ESD sucks up the water before it can reach the torch, but the vacuum arm rusts, corrodes and falls off in a matter of seconds. ESD charges Jon swinging the torch; Jon points one arm up and one arm down and creates a barrel made of bricks that seal himself inside, protecting him from the torch. ESD kicks the barrel into the hull, which bounces back and hits him in the head (the actual head not the mech head). ESD collapses, rubbing his sores. Jon releases himself from the barrel and turns his arms into a pair of hedge trimmers.~

Farmer Jon: Now, little brother, it's time for that purifying...

~Jon places the shears around ESD's neck... and is stabbed from behind by Luiigii's laser sword. Luiigii pushes the blade through Jon so that the handle gets stuck in him, then turns it off.~

Farmer Jon: Marrrrrthaaaaa... ~dies~

Luiigii: Purify that...

~ESD gets up, holding his head with one hand, and puts the other hand on Luiigii's shoulder.~

ESD: That's my boy. Go back to your friends. When the time is right (assuming we haven't already), you will kill Golem yourself. They won't even suspect it, I'm sure...

Luiigii: Yes... father. ~collapses again from bullet wounds~

ESD: Must I do everything myself? ~puts a parachute on Luiigii and throws him out the Flying Monkey, then glances back at Jon and jumps out himself~

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