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Episode 61: "Some Stuff Happens... I Dunno... It Might End In an Explosion If You're Really Good" by Vorpal

~Oval Office, President Vorpal is signing some papers or something~

Flutter: *bursts in* It's bad, sir! Those six guys we've code-named: "The Six Marauders" are eating through our tanks like they were carrot cake.

Pres. Vorpal: That sounds like an overly specific analogy.

Flutter: What?

Pres. Vorpal: Nevermind. All right, so what do you propose to do about it?

Flutter: Sir, I have prepared five unthinkable options, any of which will have dire consequences. *spreads out five manila folders, labeled Options 1-5"

Pres. Vorpal: Meh *shrugs* I choose three.

Flutter: Uhmm... higher.

Pres. Vorpal: Five?

Flutter: Lower.

Pres. Vorpal: One?

Flutter: Higher.

Pres. Vorpal: Three?

Flutter: You already said that.

Pres. Vorpal: Six?

Flutter: There is no six.

Pres. Vorpal: *narrows eyes... even though they're behind shades* Exactly!

(Take that Simpsons Movie!)

Flutter: What?

Pres. Vorpal: All of these options are no good! *throws them off the desk* I go with option six!

~Awkward Silence~

Flutter: Which is?

Pres. Vorpal: THE RONALD RAY-GUN!

Flutter: But, sir, that's a anti-missile defense system located in the Statue of Liberty's torch! It can't hit a ground target all the way from New York City!

Pres. Vorpal: I don't want excuses! Take... I dunno... MagiKoopa with you, and find some way to get the Ronald Ray-Gun to DC!

Flutter: But--

Pres. Vorpal: Okay! Take Luigi with you, too! He's currently on my side again, right?

Flutter: He changes sides so often, sir, I really can't say for sure.

Pres. Vorpal: *to walkie-talkie* Luigi.

Luigi: *over walkie-talkie* Yes?

Pres. Vorpal: Are you on my side right now?

Luigi: I dunno... what day of the week is it?

Pres. Vorpal: Funny. I need you to go to New York with Flutter and MagiKoopa, and bring the Ronald Ray-Gun to DC to take out the Six Marauders!

Luigi: All right. I captured another duplicate... mine... where are you holding the others?

Pres. Vorpal: The "Undisclosed Location" we send Ditto when things get difficult.

Luigi: The unisex bathroom at the local Subway, got it.

~Undisclosed Location, AKA the unisex bathroom at the local Subway~

Luiigii: Ugh... where am I? Last I remember I was kicking butt, and then this Inspector Gadget knock-off takes a cheap shot at me...

Luigi: Much obliged. *to PWD* He was carrying this. *hands PWD the Limitless Drive* I also overheard something about Pearls of Mystery needed to power it. I gotta get to New York..... Also... this is pretty roomy for a unisex bathroom.

PW Deeson: *shrugs* It works.

~Luigi leaves and a few minutes later President Vorpal arrives.~

Pres. Vorpal: *paces back and forth in front of all the captives... which conveniently include everyone except for the Six Marauders* So, we've captured all these invaders... from space, maybe? .... Or from an alternate dimension!? An evil one! Filled with fake President Vorpals!?!

Vorpal: I'm President in the Neautral Timeline!? Neat! I thought I was just speaking hypothetically earlier!

Pres. Vorpal: Do you have any idea how much this hurts my already dwindling approval ratings? Now people will be wondering if I'm actually the President, or just some clone that looks and acts exactly like me, the replaced me.... or something!

Donkeyman: Look... this is great and all, but we'd like to restore the Good Timeline, return to it....

Vorpal: I don't know about that...

Triple-Steel & Independent Groups: Yeah!

Donkeyman: ....and resurrect Golem, so I can... I dunno... kill him again... but I gotta have him back for everything to work out between me and Sapphire.

Sapphire: In your dreams!

Pres. Vorpal: Golem? .... Why does that name sound familiar?

~DC Mall~

~The Six Marauders are still taking out tanks and stuff, but around the corner stomps the Statue of Liberty, with Flutter, Luigi and MagiKoopa riding in the crown.~

Flutter: That was an excellent idea filling the Statue of Liberty with Ooze, and playing jumpy 80's music to bring it to life and bring it back to DC. Where in the world did you get an idea like that?

Luigi: I dunno... a dream maybe?

MagiKoopa: I think it was on Tenchi Muyo once.

Flutter: Whatever, let's take out these Marauders!

Flutter, Luigi, & Magikoopa: RONALD RAY-GUN! FIRE!

~The Statue of Liberty points it's torch directly at the Six Marauders, then lets out a blast of gigantic proportions, causing a huge explosion where the Six Marauders once stood.~

Episode 62: "Completely Irrelevant" by Golem

~Elsewhere, in a Maryland apartment completely unrelated to the story...

Cat sits on the edge of his couch as he watches CNN.~

Cat: . . .

~Golem's ghost slinks into the room through the floor. He sits on the couch next to Cat.~

Golem: Pretty exciting stuff, isn't it?

Cat: AUGH! ~jumps off the couch to face Golem~ What am... but you're...

Golem: I'm the ghost of you from a parallel timeline. I just wanted to see how you were doing.

Cat: Ah... huh. I'm, uh, doing fine. But what was that parallel thing you were talking about?

Golem: Timeline. Yeah, apparently back in 2000 the TASTS split time into three paths. I'm from what they call the Good Timeline, and this is the Neutral Timeline.

Cat: Who's "they"?

Golem: Er, I don't know. Oh, crap--~looks at watch~--I'm late for my trial!

Cat: Your trial?

Golem: Yeah, God's underlings are putting me on trial to decide whether I go to Heaven, Purgatory, Hell, or Weirdamonium. It's standard procedure.

Cat: Weirdamonium?!

Golem: I'd explain but I really gotta go! Nice talking to you! ~sinks through the floor~

~Cat plops back down onto the couch.~

Cat: ...Huh.

~Golem comes back up, startling Cat.~

Golem: By the way, you'd make a cool paranormal investigator. Cat Investigations: Call the Cat!

~Golem goes back down.~

Cat: ...Huh.

Episode 63: "The Dire Sacrifice" by GORE-ILLA

*The Ronald Ray-Gun fires directly towards the Six Marauders. Untribulous immediately spins around and produces five surfboards that fly away from the incoming beam at high-speeds, picking up the other five OGers as the pass.*

Yami: (reaches out) NO!

GORE: INTROBULUS LOOKALIKE!

*Before they are even done speaking, the beam hits Untribulous and leaves nothing behind. The massive explosion expands and starts catching up to the remaining Five Marauders.*

Fusesteady: Duh, fohgeddabout it! We gotta press on!

Bebop Skull Dragoshi: No, we can still save him! (leaps into the explosion and is annihilated)

*Yami, GORE, TennisMaster and Fusesteady, the Four remaning Marauders, stand up on the surfboards to speed up. They go at high-speed and do some wacky air tricks to avoid being consumed by the explosion. Eventually the explosion fades, and all that is seen is an empty crater.*

Yami Yoshi: No, not... those guys...

GORE: This is worse than when the real Introbulus dies! Ah well, it's not like he's gonna die at least twice in the near future.

TennisMaster: Hey cool, we're heading straight for a Subway!

Fuseteady: Duhhh, how do you stop these things?

GORE: Oh momma!

*The Four Marauders scream as they crash through the walls of the Subway, conveniently coming to a halt after smashing into the unisex bathroom.*

President Vorpal: Ah, the fugitives!

TennisMaster: Ah, this must be the president.

President Vorpal: How could you possibly know that?

TennisMaster: The presidential limo and Secret Service guards outside tipped me off.

President Vorpal: Arrest them!

*Donkeyman tears free of his bond and releases a feral shriek that paralyzes everyone nearby.*

Sapphire: Hey, where did the Scruffy guy get to?

*Scruffy wakes up in a room full of hourglasses and clocks.*

Scruffy: Okay now, what's this?

???: You are in the Time Repository.

Scruffy: Poncho.

???: Who am I, you ask? I go by many names. Once I was Alan White. But now I prefer to be called Ageless One, it is a basic summary of my qualities.

Scruffy: You sound kinda powerful. I might need your help to bring all my friends back.

Ageless One: That is why I am here. I actually hail from several years into this future. But this area is unaffected by time. I was able to grab you and bring you here in order to begin to clean up this mess.

Scruffy: Well you see there was this Timeline Bombinator, and-

Ageless One: Yes, yes, I know the whole story - the ticking, tocking, the losing? How shocking! I brought you here because your world is unique and can cross over to any timeline at any point. You are basically a living passport to any timeline. That was you can enter and leave any of these timelines whenever you need to.

Scruffy: Well I do get around... (That's what she said!)

Ageless One: Alright, just allow me some more exposition. This area is the Recycling Bin of timelines. Timelines that are fractured, incomplete, undone, can usually be found in the back room. It is possible that you may find your Good Timeline or a link to it in there. It might not have been completely destroyed- just left on the floor. Even if you find just a link, that might be enough to restore it. Now go!

Scruffy: Yessir!

*Scruffy rushes off into the backroom and finds rows of orbs.*

Scruffy: Hm... lemme try this one...

*Scruffy grabs the first orb and concentrates. He finds himself warped into outer space with golden hair. Standing nearby is Golem with golden hair. Super Golem and Super Scruffy begin attacking the Biodonkey while "Live and Learn" plays in the background.*

Super Golem: Yeah, we did it!

Super Scruffy: (turns normal and begins plummeting into Earth's atmosphere) Maria... nope, this doesn't seem like the timeline I know!

*Scruffy squeezes the orb and concentrates, then he find himself back in the Time Repository. He looks around at the large amount of orbs.*

Scruffy: This could take a while.

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Dungeon Master: Thus the Goers of Partion encountered a fearsome and as yet unheard of Wereturtle Wizard.

~The Wereturtle Wizard, a humanoid turtle with a blue cloak and pointy hat growls at the Goers of Partion: Frodolem the Sorceror, Vorpagorn the Fighter, Sapphwen the Cleric, Gimmune the Rogue, and Faruiigii the Monk.~

Gimmune: Dammit, I wanted to be a Pirate.

Dungeon Master: I don't have that handbook. And it's Swashbuckler. Or...so I've heard.

~Scruffy plummets from the sky and lands between the six characters. They all look past him as if he doesn't exist. He glances around at a sound like thunder, then connects it to the sound of a giant die rolling. Faruiigii runs forward, THROUGH Scruffy, and swings a nonexistent sword at the Wereturtle Wizard.~

Dungeon Master: You're a Monk. I told you, no laser swords.

Faruiigii: You'll give in eventually. ~backhands Frodolem for good measure~

Dungeon Master: ~sigh~ Sapphwen, your turn.

~Sapphwen turns and goes to sit under a tree.~

Dungeon Master: Fine. Vorpagorn?

Scruffy: Err, what just happened?

Dungeon Master: Oh, they don't know you exist unless I recognize your existence.

Scruffy: Like you just did?

~The group of six scream and turn their attention (and weapons) to Scruffy.~

Scruffy: I'll see myself out! ~disappears~

***

Donkeyman: Impudent president! Mr. SteveT, present me with my heart so that I may end this government regime! I want my Good Timeline back!

SteveT: Still no. I want my Bad Timeline back.

Donkeyman: ~frees Ditto~ ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT!

~Ditto leaps forward and lands in front of President Vorpal. He grabs Prez. Vorpal by the lapels and raises his fist, then lowers it.~

Ditto: With God as my witness, I shall never strike my country's leader. No matter how stupid his policies are.

Donkeyman: GYAH! ~frees MON-KILL~ KILL THEM BOTH!

MON-KILL: ~whirls on the Four Marauders~ GORE-ILLA, tonight you shall taste death! ~lunges forward and impales TennisMaster and Fusesteady with his fists~

GORE-ILLA: Ha ha, good thing we left the real SwordMaster on the floor...

Donkeyman: You pathetic minions and your personal agendas! Why can't any of you desire EXACTLY what I want?!

Mariorocks: I do sir!

Donkeyman: Shut up. ~kicks PWD and grabs Prez. Vorpal, then runs for the stairs~ If I can't have the Good Timeline back, I can at least become the leader of this one's free world! But it won't be free for long, oh no!

Prez. Vorpal: If only I had not spent so much time on diplomatic missions, I would be in a fit enough shape to stop you!

~Ditto gives chase while MON-KILL uppercuts GORE-ILLA and Yami onto the roof of the Subway. The others struggle with their binds until PWD wakes up and frees them all.~

PWD: OMGOMGOMGOMG! Save the president whoo whoo whoo! ~runs in a circle, then pops brussel sprouts in his mouth and grows Popeye muscles~ That mule guy's gonna pay!

Mariorocks: STILL THY TONGUE YOU BASTARD!

Vorpal: Yeeeeah, I think there's so much internal conflict at this point that releasing us all doesn't help you any. ~is tackled by Evil Zombie Phil~

~Mariorocks, AaronGuy, and Loogi run up the stairs to help Donkeyman. Vorpal pushes Evil Zombie Phil away and runs after them to save himself, followed by Kuria and Misty (who bicker and stuff). Masamune, Murasame, and Sapphire are consequently ganged up on and beaten down by the SteveTrio + 1, along with Royk, Masamura, Lupus, and Koopa Xtreme. These eight then proceed to turn on each other just to have something to do, and Masamune, Murasame, and Sapphire crawl up the stairs with help from PWD. We can probably ignore the eight in the lab for now?~

Author: Masamune

~PWD, Sapphire, Masamune, and Murasame finally make it upstairs. There they see that Donkeyman has President Vorpal held up by his DK Tie. Vorpal, Kuria, and Misty are being restrained by Loogi, Mariorocks, and AaronGuy~

PWD: Stop right there!

Donkeyman: *glances over shoulder at PWD and the others* And what do you plan to do? I have your dear old President.

Pres. Vorpal: Urgh. You smell like Dubya!

Masamune: Listen. Donkeyman. You hate me. I hate you. But we both want the Good Timeline, right?

Donkeyman: Do I? President of the "Free" World sounds better than running a Cruise Ship, don't you think? I'll finally have everything I want and you won't be there to stop me!

Masamune: Oh? Won't I? You're forgetting one thing.

Donkeyman: *harumphs* Yes? And what's THAT?

Murasame: You're out of Mariorockses. *suddenly throws his sword forward straight into Mariorocks's head. PWD faints at the sight of the blood*

Donkeyman: Ha! Do you think that will work! There's always another!

~silence~

Donkeyman: M-Mariorocks?

Sapphire: *smirks* Out of luck, Donkeyman. You may have had Mariorocks in the Bad Timeline, but they're not in the Neutral Timeline.

Donkeyman: What!? Then where are they!?

Pres. Vorpal: Mariorockses...? Oh! You mean the citizens of New Wyoming! Yeah. They all re-elected me in 2004.

Donkeyman: *twitch* What!?

Pres. Vorpal: And then we drafted them all and sent them to go to war with Micronesia.

Donkeyman: *throws Pres. Vorpal to the side* Fine! FINE! I can't live without those backrubs. The Mariorockses are the only ones who know how to do it just right.

~there's an explosion downstairs~

Sapphire: That doesn't sound so good...

Masamune: So how do we get back to our timeline?

Loogi: That jerk Luiigii destroyed the limitless drive.

Pres. Vorpal: Would someone explain what's going on here!?

~meanwhile~

Lou: Alright Munsley. *rolls wheelchair forward menacingly* We've got you cornered.

McBoring: Just come out peaceful like!

Munsley: Nyeh! You'll have to come in for me!

Scruffy: Waaaaaah! Hey. You uh, what's the name.... Luigi?

Lou: No.

Scruffy: Damn.

McBoring: *leans over to Lou* He's a pirate. Probably with Munsley. Let's take him in.

Scruffy: Ack! Not this time! ~he vanishes~

~Elsewhiles, downstairs~

SteveT: These guys don't know when to quit! *rips off MON-KILL's left arm*

MON-KILL: Argh! I wasn't even fighting you!

Lupus: Time to die, Yami! *punches Dark Yami*

Dark Yami: *turns around and glares down at Lupus* Wrong Yami. *picks Lupus up and throws him across the room*

Koopa XTreme: Heh. *is suddenly punched by Royk* Hey! Whose side are you on!?

Royk: *in Uruguay's voice* The Ushutarians of the Neutral Timeline! Stupid fools! I've summoned my Neutral Timeline counterpart to this planet!

Luiigii: What!? You idiot! *assaults Royk*

Zombie Phil: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

GORE: Get off my head you damn zombie! *reaches in vain for Zombie Phil on his back* Augh!

MON-KILL: Let me help! *throws a punch at GORE's face*

GORE: Yikes *duck and the punch hits Zombie Phil, splattering him into pieces* Let me repay the favor, then! *activates his jet feet and flies into MON-KILL, crashing the robot into the wall and breaking him into two*

MON-KILL: Argh! I can't feel my legs!

Yami: Two down! *Dark Eggs MON-KILL*

SteveT: Let's make that three. *attempts to crush Koopa with his fists, but is stopped by blow to the head by Lupus*

Lupus: Fools! You're all forgetting I'm the real villain here!

Koopa: Tell 'em, boss!

Luiigii: *impales Koopa from behind* Holy shit. My laser sword actually cut something.

Koopa: HURGH. *falls over dead*

Dark Yami: Time to finish you all off! Infinity Egg!

Episode 66: "Time to Lose Your Excitement" by GORE-ILLA