Gamehiker High University Special Page 2
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Author: GORE-ILLA
Toby: (feigning interest as he always does) Does it?
Golem: Oh, you have no idea...
*Back to flashback. Sapphire and Flutter are just finishing their burst of laughter.*
Sapphire: Okay Golem...
*At that point an out-of-control Range Rover veers wildly down the road, towards the three of them. Golem, looking down dejectedly at the ground doesn't notice it.*
Golem: (looks Sapphire straight in the eye) Sapph... I'm ser-
Flutter: (turning to wipe tear of a laughter from eye, sees incoming Range Rover) WATCHOUT!
*Flutter quickly grabs Sapphire and rolls over backward with her, narrowly dodging the Range Rover while Golem falls flat on his stomach, allowing the car to pass over him safely.*
Toby: Now that's some badass stuff, Golem! Real A-material badass!
Golem: Wait until I segue out of the flashback to comment, please, to avoid line confusion.
*Segues back to present.*
Golem: I thought about getting up and telling Sapphire how I felt, but I wound up unable to move myelf from under that car! I thought the scenario over many times until I decided I should head home when I found coolant from the drunken Weenie Boy's car dripping onto my face, and I kept on reaching the same conclusion. He saved her life after all, maybe he is... good for her.
Toby: For now. Come on, let's get you a new girl for the All Hallow's Ball. I'll take you shopping at Murasame's Supreme School. Oh, or you could go with that Elzie chick again?
*That 70's Show-style segue with Golem, Toby and Elzie bouncing around with a psychedelic background to guitar riff.*
Elzie: Umm you started dating Sapphire without even breaking up with me and haven't talked to me since!
Golem: To be fair, it's easy to forget you're around when you're in school all day but never say anything. So is that a yes?
Elzie: (twists Golem's nose in a circle and then shoves him away)
Toby: Eh, why not? (produces bouquet) How 'bout me for the All Hallow's Ball? (grins exposing all teeth)
Elzie: Sure. But as friends!
Toby: That's how they always start.
*At 3PM, Toby and Golem meet with SteveT, Flutter and Big Al by the flagpole for the debate.*
Toby: Alright, let's start this debate! (rolls up sleeves under leather jacket sleeves, which he leaves unrolled, and puts on a pair of brass knuckles)
SteveT: Sure thing, punk.
*Toby and SteveT begin duking it out.*
Golem: B-but... I thought this was a debate!
Toby: What, didja think we'd argue about stupid concepts like democracy and stuff? How needlessly humdrum of you, Golemio!
Golem: But we're, um... outnumbered. (is shoved around by Big Al and Flutter)
*Elsewhere, Rocky arrives home from the school to find his father, Mariorocks64, who is at the table wearing a wifebeater and jeans.*
Rocky: Pops, I'm home.
Mariorocks64: Oh Rocky boy, such a pleasure to see you home again why coitenly!
Rocky: Dad... there's something I wanted to tell you, about my future.
Mariorocks64: Oh bajagallup, don't worry about it! Once you're done with high school, you'll why coitenly be sent to the Satanic School of Business to work for Mr. Donkeyman like myself, my father and his father too!
Rocky: That's the thing, dad. I wanna be... a writer. Actuallly screw that, a gigolo.
Mariorocks64: WHAAA! Rocky, what're you some kinda Jughead?! Ey~ You don't get no choices here!
Rocky: I HATE YOU! (runs upstairs and slams door)
*Back at GHU, Golem is being bounced on Big Al's stomach by Flutter while Sapphire watches indifferently.*
Golem: No fair man, no fair!
*Suddenly, a figure drops in from nowhere, dropkicking Flutter.*
Flutter: What the-
Kinoko: (picks up Flutter by the collar) Now things are evened up! (slams her head into Flutter's, then tosses him to the ground and begins beating him around some more)
Golem: That leaves... you and me? (looks up at Big Al)
Big Al: (cracks knuckles) You could say that again...
*Big Al swings at Golem, who uses quick thinking to duck while unfurling his scarf and wrapping around Al's legs. He does not comprehend this in time and trips over. Big Al then gets back up.*
Golem: In retrospect that was a very temporary solution. (cringes)
*However, at that point Kinoko swings Flutter into Big Al and punches both of them.*
Kinoko: C'mon kid, get N the fight or get out!
*She quickly binds Flutter to Al with the scarf more efficiently and kicks them directly into SteveT, whom had just gained the upper hand over Toby by removing his leather jacket, the source of his power.*
SteveT: (slammed into wall) What the hell.
Kinoko: (leaps up to SteveT's shoulder and whips out pocket knife) You wanna keep this going?
SteveT: No way! Let's leave these dweebs with their psycho girlfriend for now!
*SteveT runs off, un or possibly intentionally leaving the bound Al and Flutter behind.*
Golem: Wow... thanks, I really appreciate you helping us, teehee, "nerds in need".
Kinoko: I didn't do it for you. It was for the thrill of the fight.
Golem: Oh, well, um...
Kinoko: While you're at it, ask me to that All Hallow's Ball dance. This place is full of boys, but you look shy and awkward enough not to annoy the crap out of me while I live through the dance.
Golem: Well, uh... (looks over and sees Sapphire unwrapping and caressing Flutter) ... Yes. I'll, go.
Kinoko: Huh. You actually answered as if you had a choice. Pick me up by 8, try not to dress too gaudily. (rides moped off)
Toby: Now ain't that sweet? We all got what we wanted! You got yourself a nice feisty girl, and I got myself a black eye to go with my costume! All's well that ends well!
*Headmaster Thrakun steps out.*
Headmaster Thrakun: WHAT"S THE MEANING OF THIS!
Toby: CHEEZ IT!
*Toby runs followed by Golem and everyone else crowded around while Headmaster Thrakun chases them with a hatchet.*
Thrakun: RRRRR.,... P-
Masa: PAAAAARRTY GOOOOOOEEEEERS!
Thrakun: ...
Masa: ...Sorry, force of habit. (backhanded through a wall and into The Wall)
Author: Masamune
~Mune gets up and rubs his bruised head and finds himself on top of a suspiciously student-shaped wall. Or rather a student named The Wall~
Mune: Do I know you?
Wall: DO YOU?
Mune: DO I!?
Wall: I DO!
Mune: I-- what?
Wall: Shh. You'll blow my cover.
Mune: Cover? Who are you?
Wall: I'm Wall.
Mune: Waaaaaaaaaaall-Eeeeeee
Wall: Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again.
Mune: If you'll agree to never use periods for stilted statements, then I will gladly oblige you Walter.
Wall: Wall.
Mune: Right, Walden. So what are you doing in MY school? Are you a new student?
Wall: Not a student. *flashes a press badge* I'm an investigative journalist, code name: The Wall. I'm here about corruption in the school system. I heard the headmaster here has a severe hatred for women. We plan to shut him down. Do you know about him?
Mune: ... *devious smile* Why yes, yes I do. I think we can do business, Walton.
Wall: ... Wall.
~MEANWHILE, at the lockers~
Golem: Man, this date is freaking me out. What if she rapes me? I don't think I could handle that. Imagine the silly time-related hijinks that might ensue.
Toby: Relax. This is a girl, not Chris Tucker.
~just then, Tyler runs up to them panting~
Tyler: Guys! Guys! I need your help! GM was kidnapped!
Toby: *examines cuticles* Don't care.
Golem: What happened?
Tyler: We went to check out where Luiigii lived and-
~just then Luiigii walks by the far end of the hallway and glares at Tyler, who freezes up. Luiigii walks on~
Golem: You okay?
Tyler: ... it's nothing! Nevermind... hahaha...
~Tyler walks away while Golem and Toby exchange confused glances~
Golem: So have you got someone to work on your speech?
Toby: I thought you were doing that.
Golem: Uhh... right! Of course! (Oh crap... who will I get to do that...)
Toby: Yeah, whatever.
~Toby walks off doing jazz hands every five steps. At the end of the locker row, he gives them a slight kick and they all play the rap version of the Full House theme.~
Gamechamp: He ees beink very good studeenk, yes?
Golem: Hey! You're a master of the spoken word, right?
Gamechamp: Thees ees beink correct.
Golem: Good! *shoved a notebook and pen in Gamechamp's hands* I need a speech for Toby's presidential bid! ~runs off~
Gamechamp: Ah! But! But! In the old country, there are beink only two reasons for speech. Ze acceptink of death and for ze scoring vith vomen. Hmmm....
Author: Luiigii of the Pipes
~Masamune and the Wall make their way to the quaint suburban home of the former, wrapped in the crisp Autumn wind of a cold November night.~
Masamune: That Headmaster...oh man, can we say "capital punishment?" See these scars?
The Wall: I do, I do. You still haven't given me his name.
Masamune: All in good time, kid.
~Little does Masamune realize that his home is a-jumpin' and a-jivin' to the sweet sounds of Journey music. Being an astute reporter, the Wall hears first and points this out.~
The Wall: Is that...rock music?
Masamune: In my house? Nev-- ~stops and listens~ ermind what I was about to say, what in Jumping Jack Flash is that!? A party? IN MY HOUSE?!
~Masamune runs to the front door and spots exactly who he was looking for to irrationally pin all of the blame on.~
Golem: Hi Mr. Muney. Welcome to the Hallows' Ball. I'll take your c--OH GOD HEADMASTER NO PLEASE YOU CAN'T KILL A STUDENT WHAT WILL THE PAPERS SAY!!!
~The Wall snaps a picture as Masamune chases Golem around the lawn with a pair of broken garden gnomes.~
The Wall: I know what.
Masamune: PARTY GOERS GARTY POERS GOBBLEDY ROPERS AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
Golem: Headmaster seriously! You need to go see the guidance counselor or something!
Masamune: Stop calling me Headmaster! He's a terrible guidance counselor who the Headmaster that totally wasn't ever me hired only because he works for free!
The Wall: ~note note~
Golem: Yeah, okay, maybe! I mean... ~pant pant~ he didn't help me at all... ~pant pant~ with my girl problems!
[Ooh a flashback]
Golem: So I've been trying to be friends with Elzie while simultaneously trying to win back or show up Sapphire and hoping that Kinoko doesn't eat me. And then there's these weird Glem dreams I keep having...
WarioFan: Sounds like you should be playing Rhythm Heaven. Right now.
Golem: But--
WarioFan: Right. Now.
Golem: I don't have to listen to you, you're a Freshman! And a radio jockey!
WarioFan: GET OUT! GAWD!
~Golem storms out of the office, leaving WarioFan with his DS Lite. He spins in his chair and comes face to face with Nintenfreak, who grabs him and throws him out the window, then sits down.~
[/flashback]
Golem: Ah geez... Stupid useless P.E. I wish I had a third lung to replace the one that just collapsed...
~Golem falls over and curls into a ball, which Masamune trips over and lands face first in his prize-winning Piranha Plant garden.~
Masamune: PAAAA*chomp munch shriek* GOOOOOOO--
Author: GORE-ILLA
Narrator: We interrupt and ignore regular continuity for A Very Special Episode... of Gamehiker High University.
*Soft piano music begins to play over the blank screen, until it pans into the scene.*
Narrator: We begin a normal non canon day at Gamehiker High University, with our youngest underclassmen- Rocky, Wariofan, Retro, Jed and the ever-lovable Director, gathered in their lounge during a free period.
Wariofan: So how's everyone enjoying their Nintendo products today?
Rocky: (playing with PSP) Terribly.
Retro: (playing on a computer) Lamely.
Jed: (furiously playing a Gameboy) Okay >.>...
Director: (carving a Gameboy with a knife while videotaping it with a deranged grin on his face)
Wariofan: Wha... (looks around from behind Rocky and Retro) Rocky, is that a... hacked PSP with Super Mario World?
Rocky: Wanna know how cool I am?
Wariofan: And Retro you ashamed creature, are you playing Castlevania? JULIUS BELMONT NEEDS MONEY TO BE APPRECIATED!
Retro: So what?
Wariofan: And Director! (Director looks up at Wariofan and smacks his lips while flipping around the knife) ...Nice artwork! ... But guys! This is wrong!
Rocky: No it's not.
Retro: I used to own this game.
Rocky: That's a wussy excuse, Nintendo sucks and that's all.
Retro: Just a little friendly...
Narrator: The next word, once whispered, seeps into the ears of everyone in the school like a plague.
Retro: ...emulation.
Narrator: With that Wariofan began rushing fervently throughout the hallways of the school in am insatiable state of panic panic. Kicking in random doors (and only seldomly finding classes), everywhere he finds people playing emulated games on computers or hacked PSPs. And eventually he finds himself in a strange cold place by the basement.
Wariofan: Where am I...?
Gamechamp: Zis is ze lab.
Narrator: Wariofan looks around and sees a series of computer models set up, each displaying a different pirated game. Gamechamp runs off from one to another every minute.
Gamechamp: I muzt complete every game for ze honor of mein homming country. Only zhen will my race havve every knowledge that is being in the universe, and can kebosh this plant, gufu!
Wariofan: But these games... this is wrong! They're... emulated! Haven't you heard the truth about emulation?! Emulation is the most serious, jacked up crime you could expect!
Gamechamp: Me nots care. Foreen money only goes so far. And I am needing to play every vijeo james every. Gotchit, chickolet?
Wariofan: Emulation is worse than prostitution. There's only one way to stop this. *Wariofan breaks a glass casing on the ceiling, and runs upstairs to the teachers' lounge.* Guuuys! There's emulation going on in this school!
Headmaster Mune: What is it, boy? We're trying to teach the ape how to download games?
Professor GORE: Hey! I know how to download, you ass! I just need... I'd rather someone send me Earthbound! Why do I have to do it myself?
Narrator: While he spoke this, Luiigii was approaching him from behind wearing only a loin cloth and two giant bear claws over his hands. He grabbed GORE's face with the bear claws and then pulled him backwards, both of them wheeling over to wrestle on the floor.
Professor GORE: WRAAAAYGH! RAAAAAAUGH! RRRRRRAAAAAAAAUGHJ!
Wariofan: Why you, Professor Vorpal? I know you have Zelda II at home!
Vorpal: Yeah, but this one idiot I know made a sprite edit to make it alot cooler!
*Link with an 8-bit Vorpal head fights a dragon on the screen.*
Vorpal: A pretty lame job, but still kickass!
Golem: Can you stop being hurtful to me, or at least do so more consistently?
Wariofan: What about you, Golem? Do you emulate anything?
Golem: Everything, ever.
Wariofan: No! How is this a very special episode if everyone already does it except for me? What authority do I call upon?!
Retro: Shut up.
Wariofan: You'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE!
Narrator: Five days later Wariofan marches back into the school with a thick beard, and an NES Zapper in his hand.
Wariofan: I'm deranged! (shoots NES Zapper everywhere)
Narrator: However, he missess everyone ever, causing the dog to always pop up and laugh.
Wariofan: RRRrra.... damn you dog! (shoots rapidly at the dog)
Narrator: The shots go through the dog and all hit Sapphire. Soon the entire school, including Wariofan who has reverted to normal, gather around Sapphire.
Headmaster: Truly, beauty killed the beast. I know because Sapphire was stunned by my manliest cologne when those 78 invisible laser beams tore through her cervix.
Rocky: I wanted to be Jack Black. Oh well maybe I can be Slash instead because he's only THE GREATEST MUSICIAN TO EVER LIVE AND EVER EVER EVER!
Wariofan: What have I done? I've destroyed the school and killed some girl I barely know. And I'm STILL not on the log-throwing team. I guess it just goes to show you that emulation really ARE as bad as people say. Show me some videos, Headmaster Mune. I'm ready to learn.
Mune: It'll be ok, WFlles...it'll be ok.
Author: Nintenfreak
Light is a dangerous thing to, you know, photosensitive bacteria, and apparently Sapphire. Their mutual love brought these two families in fair Gamehiker University together. Flutter and Golem walked side by side to the body of poor Sapphire, which had been erected in a giant disgraceful monument to the dead.
"What has science done!" bemoaned Flutter.
"Twas not science that killed the beast, twas us," said Golem.
"Er, actually," Wariofan confessed, "it was me." This did not go over well. I think what happens next is that he was strung up in a tree with his underwear and beaten with piñata sticks until he coughed up an organ or two. He walked it off.
"Actually I stopped them from injuring the poor boy," called an old cackly voice, "Too much."
"Councellor Nintenfreak!" said Golem and Flutter simultaneously, "Please, bring Sapphire back..." "And gimme a lot of money," Flutter added.
Councellor Nintenfreak coughed violently, because it's pretty awesome, "Sorry boys, her soul has passed from this plane. There's nothing I can do."
"Oh man," Golem said.
"But, strangely enough, despite probability, the two of you can bring her back, if you work together," said the Councellor.
"Alright, we'll do it," said Golem.
"What's this WE crap?" said Flutter.
A brilliant orb of light surrounded them.
"I'm too young and pretty to die!" yelled Flutter.
"Don't worry," said Councellor Nintenfreak, "I'll put her body in the French Fry storage in the cafeteria. That'll keep it preserved until you get back.
The Orb disappeared with what sounded like a swear word.
In the afterlife, the orb popped out, leaving Golem, Flutter, and... Toby?
"Eeeey!"
Author: Kirby of Death
Back to canon.
Retro: You sure firing me out of this cannon will make me popular?
Rocky: Yes. Yes I am.
Jed: IIIIII dunno.
Rocky: Quiet, Jed! You uh... you're not good.
Jed: That wasn't very clever >.>
Rocky: Neither is your FACE!
Jed: Ouch.
Rocky: Okay, let's light this candle, baby! 8)
Jed: When'd you get sunglasses?
Rocky: I've always had them, Jed. ALWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS! *lights the cannon's fuse*
Retro: Ya know, I'm kinda having second thoughts about this; it's pretty dark in h- *is shot out of the cannon*
On the other side of the campus.
Director: *sharpening his knife with a sharpening wheel* CutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCut ...Eh? *notices Retro approaching him at an alarming rate* Uh oh.
Retro: SOMEONE CRAZY GET IN MY WAY!
When Retro landed, there was a mess of purple vegetable matter and goo EVERYWHERE. It was pretty gross.
Retro: Uck, what did I land on?
Director: My... my prized eggplants! *gets out a second knife and points it at Retro* VENDETTA!
Retro: Whoa, calm down. I just uh... *scoops some eggplant from his sleeve and throws it Director* Yoink! *runs away*
Meanwhile
Rocky: Kickstart My Heart is the best song in the universe.
Jed: Okay.
Retro: *comes running up* So, did it work?
Rocky: Did what work?
Retro: Shooting me out of the cannon?
Rocky: Well, yeah, you flew didn't ya?
Retro: No no, did it make me popular?
Rocky: Not yet.
Retro: Well, uh... when does that happen?
Rocky: Like... soon. Trust me. *gets out a bong* I still have a whole bowl left; anyone wanna join me? :wink:
Retro: No thanks, I'm potentially athletic.
Jed: Uhhhh... no.
Rocky: Psh, fine, more for me. I wear my sunglasses at night, BITCHES.
Jed: It's daytime.
Rocky: Not in these shades.
Jed: ...Hm.