Gamehiker High University Special Page 2

Pages in the Gamehiker High University Special: Politi-Cal! Archive

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Author: GORE-ILLA

Toby: (feigning interest as he always does) Does it?

Golem: Oh, you have no idea...

*Back to flashback. Sapphire and Flutter are just finishing their burst of laughter.*

Sapphire: Okay Golem...

*At that point an out-of-control Range Rover veers wildly down the road, towards the three of them. Golem, looking down dejectedly at the ground doesn't notice it.*

Golem: (looks Sapphire straight in the eye) Sapph... I'm ser-

Flutter: (turning to wipe tear of a laughter from eye, sees incoming Range Rover) WATCHOUT!

*Flutter quickly grabs Sapphire and rolls over backward with her, narrowly dodging the Range Rover while Golem falls flat on his stomach, allowing the car to pass over him safely.*

Toby: Now that's some badass stuff, Golem! Real A-material badass!

Golem: Wait until I segue out of the flashback to comment, please, to avoid line confusion.

*Segues back to present.*

Golem: I thought about getting up and telling Sapphire how I felt, but I wound up unable to move myelf from under that car! I thought the scenario over many times until I decided I should head home when I found coolant from the drunken Weenie Boy's car dripping onto my face, and I kept on reaching the same conclusion. He saved her life after all, maybe he is... good for her.

Toby: For now. Come on, let's get you a new girl for the All Hallow's Ball. I'll take you shopping at Murasame's Supreme School. Oh, or you could go with that Elzie chick again?

*That 70's Show-style segue with Golem, Toby and Elzie bouncing around with a psychedelic background to guitar riff.*

Elzie: Umm you started dating Sapphire without even breaking up with me and haven't talked to me since!

Golem: To be fair, it's easy to forget you're around when you're in school all day but never say anything. So is that a yes?

Elzie: (twists Golem's nose in a circle and then shoves him away)

Toby: Eh, why not? (produces bouquet) How 'bout me for the All Hallow's Ball? (grins exposing all teeth)

Elzie: Sure. But as friends!

Toby: That's how they always start.

*At 3PM, Toby and Golem meet with SteveT, Flutter and Big Al by the flagpole for the debate.*

Toby: Alright, let's start this debate! (rolls up sleeves under leather jacket sleeves, which he leaves unrolled, and puts on a pair of brass knuckles)

SteveT: Sure thing, punk.

*Toby and SteveT begin duking it out.*

Golem: B-but... I thought this was a debate!

Toby: What, didja think we'd argue about stupid concepts like democracy and stuff? How needlessly humdrum of you, Golemio!

Golem: But we're, um... outnumbered. (is shoved around by Big Al and Flutter)

*Elsewhere, Rocky arrives home from the school to find his father, Mariorocks64, who is at the table wearing a wifebeater and jeans.*

Rocky: Pops, I'm home.

Mariorocks64: Oh Rocky boy, such a pleasure to see you home again why coitenly!

Rocky: Dad... there's something I wanted to tell you, about my future.

Mariorocks64: Oh bajagallup, don't worry about it! Once you're done with high school, you'll why coitenly be sent to the Satanic School of Business to work for Mr. Donkeyman like myself, my father and his father too!

Rocky: That's the thing, dad. I wanna be... a writer. Actuallly screw that, a gigolo.

Mariorocks64: WHAAA! Rocky, what're you some kinda Jughead?! Ey~ You don't get no choices here!

Rocky: I HATE YOU! (runs upstairs and slams door)

*Back at GHU, Golem is being bounced on Big Al's stomach by Flutter while Sapphire watches indifferently.*

Golem: No fair man, no fair!

*Suddenly, a figure drops in from nowhere, dropkicking Flutter.*

Flutter: What the-

Kinoko: (picks up Flutter by the collar) Now things are evened up! (slams her head into Flutter's, then tosses him to the ground and begins beating him around some more)

Golem: That leaves... you and me? (looks up at Big Al)

Big Al: (cracks knuckles) You could say that again...

*Big Al swings at Golem, who uses quick thinking to duck while unfurling his scarf and wrapping around Al's legs. He does not comprehend this in time and trips over. Big Al then gets back up.*

Golem: In retrospect that was a very temporary solution. (cringes)

*However, at that point Kinoko swings Flutter into Big Al and punches both of them.*

Kinoko: C'mon kid, get N the fight or get out!

*She quickly binds Flutter to Al with the scarf more efficiently and kicks them directly into SteveT, whom had just gained the upper hand over Toby by removing his leather jacket, the source of his power.*

SteveT: (slammed into wall) What the hell.

Kinoko: (leaps up to SteveT's shoulder and whips out pocket knife) You wanna keep this going?

SteveT: No way! Let's leave these dweebs with their psycho girlfriend for now!

*SteveT runs off, un or possibly intentionally leaving the bound Al and Flutter behind.*

Golem: Wow... thanks, I really appreciate you helping us, teehee, "nerds in need".

Kinoko: I didn't do it for you. It was for the thrill of the fight.

Golem: Oh, well, um...

Kinoko: While you're at it, ask me to that All Hallow's Ball dance. This place is full of boys, but you look shy and awkward enough not to annoy the crap out of me while I live through the dance.

Golem: Well, uh... (looks over and sees Sapphire unwrapping and caressing Flutter) ... Yes. I'll, go.

Kinoko: Huh. You actually answered as if you had a choice. Pick me up by 8, try not to dress too gaudily. (rides moped off)

Toby: Now ain't that sweet? We all got what we wanted! You got yourself a nice feisty girl, and I got myself a black eye to go with my costume! All's well that ends well!

*Headmaster Thrakun steps out.*

Headmaster Thrakun: WHAT"S THE MEANING OF THIS!

Toby: CHEEZ IT!

*Toby runs followed by Golem and everyone else crowded around while Headmaster Thrakun chases them with a hatchet.*

Thrakun: RRRRR.,... P-

Masa: PAAAAARRTY GOOOOOOEEEEERS!

Thrakun: ...

Masa: ...Sorry, force of habit. (backhanded through a wall and into The Wall)

Author: Masamune

~Mune gets up and rubs his bruised head and finds himself on top of a suspiciously student-shaped wall. Or rather a student named The Wall~

Mune: Do I know you?

Wall: DO YOU?

Mune: DO I!?

Wall: I DO!

Mune: I-- what?

Wall: Shh. You'll blow my cover.

Mune: Cover? Who are you?

Wall: I'm Wall.

Mune: Waaaaaaaaaaall-Eeeeeee

Wall: Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again.

Mune: If you'll agree to never use periods for stilted statements, then I will gladly oblige you Walter.

Wall: Wall.

Mune: Right, Walden. So what are you doing in MY school? Are you a new student?

Wall: Not a student. *flashes a press badge* I'm an investigative journalist, code name: The Wall. I'm here about corruption in the school system. I heard the headmaster here has a severe hatred for women. We plan to shut him down. Do you know about him?

Mune: ... *devious smile* Why yes, yes I do. I think we can do business, Walton.

Wall: ... Wall.

~MEANWHILE, at the lockers~

Golem: Man, this date is freaking me out. What if she rapes me? I don't think I could handle that. Imagine the silly time-related hijinks that might ensue.

Toby: Relax. This is a girl, not Chris Tucker.

~just then, Tyler runs up to them panting~

Tyler: Guys! Guys! I need your help! GM was kidnapped!

Toby: *examines cuticles* Don't care.

Golem: What happened?

Tyler: We went to check out where Luiigii lived and-

~just then Luiigii walks by the far end of the hallway and glares at Tyler, who freezes up. Luiigii walks on~

Golem: You okay?

Tyler: ... it's nothing! Nevermind... hahaha...

~Tyler walks away while Golem and Toby exchange confused glances~

Golem: So have you got someone to work on your speech?

Toby: I thought you were doing that.

Golem: Uhh... right! Of course! (Oh crap... who will I get to do that...)

Toby: Yeah, whatever.

~Toby walks off doing jazz hands every five steps. At the end of the locker row, he gives them a slight kick and they all play the rap version of the Full House theme.~

Gamechamp: He ees beink very good studeenk, yes?

Golem: Hey! You're a master of the spoken word, right?

Gamechamp: Thees ees beink correct.

Golem: Good! *shoved a notebook and pen in Gamechamp's hands* I need a speech for Toby's presidential bid! ~runs off~

Gamechamp: Ah! But! But! In the old country, there are beink only two reasons for speech. Ze acceptink of death and for ze scoring vith vomen. Hmmm....

Author: Luiigii of the Pipes

~Masamune and the Wall make their way to the quaint suburban home of the former, wrapped in the crisp Autumn wind of a cold November night.~

Masamune: That Headmaster...oh man, can we say "capital punishment?" See these scars?

The Wall: I do, I do. You still haven't given me his name.

Masamune: All in good time, kid.

~Little does Masamune realize that his home is a-jumpin' and a-jivin' to the sweet sounds of Journey music. Being an astute reporter, the Wall hears first and points this out.~

The Wall: Is that...rock music?

Masamune: In my house? Nev-- ~stops and listens~ ermind what I was about to say, what in Jumping Jack Flash is that!? A party? IN MY HOUSE?!

~Masamune runs to the front door and spots exactly who he was looking for to irrationally pin all of the blame on.~

Golem: Hi Mr. Muney. Welcome to the Hallows' Ball. I'll take your c--OH GOD HEADMASTER NO PLEASE YOU CAN'T KILL A STUDENT WHAT WILL THE PAPERS SAY!!!

~The Wall snaps a picture as Masamune chases Golem around the lawn with a pair of broken garden gnomes.~

The Wall: I know what.

Masamune: PARTY GOERS GARTY POERS GOBBLEDY ROPERS AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

Golem: Headmaster seriously! You need to go see the guidance counselor or something!

Masamune: Stop calling me Headmaster! He's a terrible guidance counselor who the Headmaster that totally wasn't ever me hired only because he works for free!

The Wall: ~note note~

Golem: Yeah, okay, maybe! I mean... ~pant pant~ he didn't help me at all... ~pant pant~ with my girl problems!

[Ooh a flashback]

Golem: So I've been trying to be friends with Elzie while simultaneously trying to win back or show up Sapphire and hoping that Kinoko doesn't eat me. And then there's these weird Glem dreams I keep having...

WarioFan: Sounds like you should be playing Rhythm Heaven. Right now.

Golem: But--

WarioFan: Right. Now.

Golem: I don't have to listen to you, you're a Freshman! And a radio jockey!

WarioFan: GET OUT! GAWD!

~Golem storms out of the office, leaving WarioFan with his DS Lite. He spins in his chair and comes face to face with Nintenfreak, who grabs him and throws him out the window, then sits down.~

[/flashback]

Golem: Ah geez... Stupid useless P.E. I wish I had a third lung to replace the one that just collapsed...

~Golem falls over and curls into a ball, which Masamune trips over and lands face first in his prize-winning Piranha Plant garden.~

Masamune: PAAAA*chomp munch shriek* GOOOOOOO--

Author: GORE-ILLA

Narrator: We interrupt and ignore regular continuity for A Very Special Episode... of Gamehiker High University.

*Soft piano music begins to play over the blank screen, until it pans into the scene.*

Narrator: We begin a normal non canon day at Gamehiker High University, with our youngest underclassmen- Rocky, Wariofan, Retro, Jed and the ever-lovable Director, gathered in their lounge during a free period.

Wariofan: So how's everyone enjoying their Nintendo products today?

Rocky: (playing with PSP) Terribly.

Retro: (playing on a computer) Lamely.

Jed: (furiously playing a Gameboy) Okay >.>...

Director: (carving a Gameboy with a knife while videotaping it with a deranged grin on his face)

Wariofan: Wha... (looks around from behind Rocky and Retro) Rocky, is that a... hacked PSP with Super Mario World?

Rocky: Wanna know how cool I am?

Wariofan: And Retro you ashamed creature, are you playing Castlevania? JULIUS BELMONT NEEDS MONEY TO BE APPRECIATED!

Retro: So what?

Wariofan: And Director! (Director looks up at Wariofan and smacks his lips while flipping around the knife) ...Nice artwork! ... But guys! This is wrong!

Rocky: No it's not.

Retro: I used to own this game.

Rocky: That's a wussy excuse, Nintendo sucks and that's all.

Retro: Just a little friendly...

Narrator: The next word, once whispered, seeps into the ears of everyone in the school like a plague.

Retro: ...emulation.

Narrator: With that Wariofan began rushing fervently throughout the hallways of the school in am insatiable state of panic panic. Kicking in random doors (and only seldomly finding classes), everywhere he finds people playing emulated games on computers or hacked PSPs. And eventually he finds himself in a strange cold place by the basement.

Wariofan: Where am I...?

Gamechamp: Zis is ze lab.

Narrator: Wariofan looks around and sees a series of computer models set up, each displaying a different pirated game. Gamechamp runs off from one to another every minute.

Gamechamp: I muzt complete every game for ze honor of mein homming country. Only zhen will my race havve every knowledge that is being in the universe, and can kebosh this plant, gufu!

Wariofan: But these games... this is wrong! They're... emulated! Haven't you heard the truth about emulation?! Emulation is the most serious, jacked up crime you could expect!

Gamechamp: Me nots care. Foreen money only goes so far. And I am needing to play every vijeo james every. Gotchit, chickolet?

Wariofan: Emulation is worse than prostitution. There's only one way to stop this. *Wariofan breaks a glass casing on the ceiling, and runs upstairs to the teachers' lounge.* Guuuys! There's emulation going on in this school!

Headmaster Mune: What is it, boy? We're trying to teach the ape how to download games?

Professor GORE: Hey! I know how to download, you ass! I just need... I'd rather someone send me Earthbound! Why do I have to do it myself?

Narrator: While he spoke this, Luiigii was approaching him from behind wearing only a loin cloth and two giant bear claws over his hands. He grabbed GORE's face with the bear claws and then pulled him backwards, both of them wheeling over to wrestle on the floor.

Professor GORE: WRAAAAYGH! RAAAAAAUGH! RRRRRRAAAAAAAAUGHJ!

Wariofan: Why you, Professor Vorpal? I know you have Zelda II at home!

Vorpal: Yeah, but this one idiot I know made a sprite edit to make it alot cooler!

*Link with an 8-bit Vorpal head fights a dragon on the screen.*

Vorpal: A pretty lame job, but still kickass!

Golem: Can you stop being hurtful to me, or at least do so more consistently?

Wariofan: What about you, Golem? Do you emulate anything?

Golem: Everything, ever.

Wariofan: No! How is this a very special episode if everyone already does it except for me? What authority do I call upon?!

Retro: Shut up.

Wariofan: You'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE!

Narrator: Five days later Wariofan marches back into the school with a thick beard, and an NES Zapper in his hand.

Wariofan: I'm deranged! (shoots NES Zapper everywhere)

Narrator: However, he missess everyone ever, causing the dog to always pop up and laugh.

Wariofan: RRRrra.... damn you dog! (shoots rapidly at the dog)

Narrator: The shots go through the dog and all hit Sapphire. Soon the entire school, including Wariofan who has reverted to normal, gather around Sapphire.

Headmaster: Truly, beauty killed the beast. I know because Sapphire was stunned by my manliest cologne when those 78 invisible laser beams tore through her cervix.

Rocky: I wanted to be Jack Black. Oh well maybe I can be Slash instead because he's only THE GREATEST MUSICIAN TO EVER LIVE AND EVER EVER EVER!

Wariofan: What have I done? I've destroyed the school and killed some girl I barely know. And I'm STILL not on the log-throwing team. I guess it just goes to show you that emulation really ARE as bad as people say. Show me some videos, Headmaster Mune. I'm ready to learn.

Mune: It'll be ok, WFlles...it'll be ok.

Author: Nintenfreak

Light is a dangerous thing to, you know, photosensitive bacteria, and apparently Sapphire. Their mutual love brought these two families in fair Gamehiker University together. Flutter and Golem walked side by side to the body of poor Sapphire, which had been erected in a giant disgraceful monument to the dead.

"What has science done!" bemoaned Flutter.

"Twas not science that killed the beast, twas us," said Golem.

"Er, actually," Wariofan confessed, "it was me." This did not go over well. I think what happens next is that he was strung up in a tree with his underwear and beaten with piñata sticks until he coughed up an organ or two. He walked it off.

"Actually I stopped them from injuring the poor boy," called an old cackly voice, "Too much."

"Councellor Nintenfreak!" said Golem and Flutter simultaneously, "Please, bring Sapphire back..." "And gimme a lot of money," Flutter added.

Councellor Nintenfreak coughed violently, because it's pretty awesome, "Sorry boys, her soul has passed from this plane. There's nothing I can do."

"Oh man," Golem said.

"But, strangely enough, despite probability, the two of you can bring her back, if you work together," said the Councellor.

"Alright, we'll do it," said Golem.

"What's this WE crap?" said Flutter.

A brilliant orb of light surrounded them.

"I'm too young and pretty to die!" yelled Flutter.

"Don't worry," said Councellor Nintenfreak, "I'll put her body in the French Fry storage in the cafeteria. That'll keep it preserved until you get back.

The Orb disappeared with what sounded like a swear word.

In the afterlife, the orb popped out, leaving Golem, Flutter, and... Toby?

"Eeeey!"

Author: Kirby of Death

Back to canon.

Retro: You sure firing me out of this cannon will make me popular?

Rocky: Yes. Yes I am.

Jed: IIIIII dunno.

Rocky: Quiet, Jed! You uh... you're not good.

Jed: That wasn't very clever >.>

Rocky: Neither is your FACE!

Jed: Ouch.

Rocky: Okay, let's light this candle, baby! 8)

Jed: When'd you get sunglasses?

Rocky: I've always had them, Jed. ALWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS! *lights the cannon's fuse*

Retro: Ya know, I'm kinda having second thoughts about this; it's pretty dark in h- *is shot out of the cannon*

On the other side of the campus.

Director: *sharpening his knife with a sharpening wheel* CutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCutCut ...Eh? *notices Retro approaching him at an alarming rate* Uh oh.

Retro: SOMEONE CRAZY GET IN MY WAY!

When Retro landed, there was a mess of purple vegetable matter and goo EVERYWHERE. It was pretty gross.

Retro: Uck, what did I land on?

Director: My... my prized eggplants! *gets out a second knife and points it at Retro* VENDETTA!

Retro: Whoa, calm down. I just uh... *scoops some eggplant from his sleeve and throws it Director* Yoink! *runs away*

Meanwhile

Rocky: Kickstart My Heart is the best song in the universe.

Jed: Okay.

Retro: *comes running up* So, did it work?

Rocky: Did what work?

Retro: Shooting me out of the cannon?

Rocky: Well, yeah, you flew didn't ya?

Retro: No no, did it make me popular?

Rocky: Not yet.

Retro: Well, uh... when does that happen?

Rocky: Like... soon. Trust me. *gets out a bong* I still have a whole bowl left; anyone wanna join me? :wink:

Retro: No thanks, I'm potentially athletic.

Jed: Uhhhh... no.

Rocky: Psh, fine, more for me. I wear my sunglasses at night, BITCHES.

Jed: It's daytime.

Rocky: Not in these shades.

Jed: ...Hm.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Then, the freshmen look up to see Dean Ditto hovering over them and sizing them up.*

Dean Ditto: Hm, I believe they will do.

*With a snap of his fingers, the Hooded Figure absconds Retro, Rocky, Director and Jed, then has them bound with ropes attached to the front of Dean Ditto's limo.*

Retro: What is the meaning of this?!

Hooded Figure: Dean Ditto's traditional ride to the All Hallow's Ball, the lowest of the ladder- you guys.

Rocky: The ball's tonight?! Dude, we don't even have costumes!

Jed: Actually, we're now wearing reindeer costumes... >.>

Director: (attaches camera to a mini-crane on his head so it could record them all) This is gonna look so good...

Dean Ditto: Hurry up! We're going to just miss being fashionably late!

Retro: Aw man, we're late too?!

*The Hooded Figure takes his place in the car, and Dean Ditto begins whipping the students. They begin slowly dragging the limo up the hill towards the ball.*

Jed: This... is... grueling!

Rocky: Let's pass the time! When I was... a young man... my father... took me into the city... to see the black parade...

Director: ShutitshutitSHUTIT!

*At that point, Golem stepped out into the living room wearing a suit that was one size too large, and his scarf refashioned into a tie. He looks very neat and trim... in short like his parents had just finished dressing him, and he's holding a bouquet.*

Moondo: Bro, looks, like the 'rents really did a number on you!

Golem: Yeah...

Moondo: What's your girl situation like?

Golem: Well-

Moondo: Don't care, I'm heading for a kegger tonight. It's gonna be all kinds of crazy.

*The doorbell rings as Moondo approaches it. He reaches down to open it, when suddenly the doorknob flies out into his face, knocking him over. The door then swings open to show Kinoko in a purple dress, very clearly having kicked the doorknob through.*

Kinoko: Hey there stud. You ready?

Golem: (quivers) Y-y-yes?

Kinoko: (grabs the bouquet) Good. (they walk out to the front lawn while she rips apart the flowers) Hold on, you look too clean. (shoves his face into a plant pot)

*They both step outside to find a limo with Toby and Elzie waiting outside.*

Toby: Eyy!

*Toby is wearing his leather jacket as his suit jacket with silver pants and no shirt at all underneath the leather jacket. His hair is only slightly slicker, but his face somehow gives off a magnified amount of sexiness compared to usual, in such a way that Golem stared at him with open-mouthed joy. Elzie, in a yellow dress, mostly looked irate and passed contemptuous glances towards Golem and Kinoko.*

Toby: C'mon in, Kinok-nok! Sapphire, all the cool kids, everyone's taking the limo!

*Kinoko nods and enters, with Golem following until Toby stops him.*

Toby: Wait Golem, you never told me you were taking the limo!

Golem: Yeah, the other day. I'm sure I gave you my deposit, since I haven't been mugged in the last 24 hours.

Elzie: Yeah... we're full.

Toby: Sorry, man. I'm really sorry.

Golem: You know Toby, I never could get mad at a face like that.

*Toby, Elzie and Kinoko enter the limo, which takes longer than usual to drive next door while Golem jogs next to it and Kinoko tosses debris from the window at him.*

Golem: (thinks) I feel as if by setting foot into this ball, I shall be entering an inescapable dome of pure, concentrated awkwardness.

*The limo stops next to Golem right in front of Mr. Muney's house.*

Limo Driver: That'll be 700 dollars.

Toby: (hands him the deed to Golem's house) Consider it paid.

*Golem stands, looking at Mune's house with hesitation, when Kinoko grabs him by the hand and drags him in. The entire inside has already been converted into a dance floor, with a grumbling Mune wandering around with The Wall.*

Grumblin' Mune: What do you think of my new title? Do I sound too much like a potential Earthbound enemy?

The Wall: Not so much. I'm more concerned with busting this case WIDE OPEN. And then it'll be like I'd never existed, let alone even been here to begin with.

*At that point, a dark chill falls through the air as Dean Ditto enters, accompanied by a squad of his shadowy students.*

Grumblin' Mune: (shoves The Wall to the side) Whatever, man. Bigger fish then came up.

Dean Ditto: Well. Shall we begin?

*At this point, the GHU students and the St. Dittoian students enter extremely competitive dancing.*

SteveT: Now this dancing is what dancing is all about!

Grumblin' Mune: There's... there's something you must know.

Dean Ditto: How pathetically you'll lose this year's dance? Or how I'll outdo you in-

Headmaster Thrakun: What's the meaning of this senseless ruckus! Now see here, I'm this institute's headmaster... THRAKUN!

Dean Ditto: What's this... what's this? There's something in the air! (dances with glee)

Grumblin' Mune: Enough! Let's just get this over with.

Headmaster Thrakun: What over with?

Dean Ditto: I am a most humble rival of this school, Master Dwarf. And I am here for our annual Secret Santa, an essential part of any All Hallow's Eve Ball worth its salt!

Headmaster Thrakun: Very well... let's get 'er done! *blows a whistle, causing Professors GORE, Luiigii and Rebe to rush up in fear* Everyone, reciprocate your presents!

Professor GORE: (runs off with fear in his eyes)

Dean Ditto: Here's something for my own dear enemy, Headmaster Mune.

*Mune reaches for it, but Headmaster Thrakun snatches it.*

Headmaster Thrakun: As headmaster, all your old gifts get forwarded to me! Now let's see... a Finish High School for Free Card! Just what I wanted to put on me mantle, never to be used by anyone!

*Mune collapses on the floor convulsing and vomits out Mad Batters. Dean Ditto then glares towards where Professor GORE was and disappears.*

Professor Rebe: (opens a present) Oh, Luiigii you shouldn't have... a Get Your Job Back Free Regardless of Circumstances Behind Your Firing? What can I use that for? Oh who cares, it's the thought that counts! (hugs Luiigii warmly) You might want to wash those salmons out of your beard though.

Professor Luiigii: Let's see, that would make first hug in... twenty years? I don't wanna remember that night out drinking with GORE...

*At the same time, Golem and Toby are at the punch bowl.*

Toby: Remember. This is your most important mission for the entire night. Tell me how much you know.

Golem: I have to approach the punch bowl... grab two (2) cups. Then I fill each cup one at a time using this punch baster, which I must insert into the punch bowl into order to collect its liquids. I must also make sure that Kinoko's cup is filled slightly more than mine. And then, after finishing my paper on phallic imagery, I bring both cups back to our meeting place, increasing casual levels to their maximum.

Sapphire: You forgot one, most important part.

*Golem and Toby both turn with unnecessarily shocked looks at their faces to face Sapphire, who was in fact alive. In fact, more alive than life itself. Their lingering gapes are just as necessary as they need to be though, as Sapphire somehow looks like one of those things that are really really beautiful. And wearing a luxurious white dress over a Freddy Krueger costume.*

Golem: Mamma mia!

Sapphire: Precisely. You must pretend to receive a call from your mother while you're returning with the drink, thus giving the girl the impression that you have a sweet and loving side.

Toby: Shouldn't Flutter be getting your punch?

Sapphire: I get my own drinks.

*At the same time, Professor GORE is in a backroom, hastily constructing a paper-mache steampunk engine, producing oily sweat (or sweaty oil?) at a high rate.*

Professor GORE: Ohcrapohcrapohcrap-

Professor Ditto: (bursts in through window and dropkicks GORE in the neck) That's right, I went outside just for the pleasure of needlessly breaking Mune's window!

Professor GORE: You're more heartless than I thought!

Professor Ditto: (begins brutally beating GORE into the ground) So will you, when I'm done with you! Consider your pain and suffering my true yuletide gift!

*At the exact same time...*

Headmaster Thrakun: Alright, laddies! Line up so the class presidential candidates can get themselves speeched!

*Grumblin' Mune steps up first.*

Grumblin' Mune: Kids are stupid! I also hate hippies, women and, actually cell phone are alright with me. Vote for me, because that'll bring us all back closer to the status quo! And what else would life be about, if not reverting to the same status quo over and over and over again?

*Ten people applaud, and are promptly shot. The peanuts gallery examines... by which I mean Vorpal, Lupus, Yami and Gamechamp in peanut costumes.*

Gamechamp: It iz zee fooling proof plan. When Herr Mune comez back in power again, jah, he'll be under el glorious Ushutarian heel due to un mind controlling! None of you pablos are the wiser!

Lupus: Kid, you speak words.

Vorpal: I just gotta find some way, to get my job back regardless of the circumstances! (leaps into the air and bumps into Rebe) Why hello there!

Yami: The chances of him winning... they're-

Flutter: Silence! I'm up now. See, I'm many mans. Once I was a minion of SteveT. But now, I have a different defining characteristic. I'm Sapphire's love interest. When I become new school president, I promise to develop my character further and build a true future for me and my beloved Sapphire! Hey, maybe I'll even be the new main character! Might as well replace Golem in every way!

*The audience applauds greatly. Sapphire beams at him, and sheds a single tear that revives a trampled dove.*

Big Al: Yeah! YEAH! (catches the dove in midair and eats it)

SteveT: That's my son!

Jed: We were supposed to play a greater role, weren't we. >.>

Rocky: Shuuut it! We're gonna find a girl who's into furries, just wait!

Retro: Hey, yeah, I'm gonna go do Retro guy stuff, okay?

Director: Oh yes, oh yess....

Rocky: You know... I learned something from all this-

*He's silenced by a loud, deafening airhorn.*

Toby: Shut the hell up, everyone! It's time for your new class president, Golemio, to make his speech! Now show them your stuff, kid. Show them that you're Golem!

*Long, awkward silence.*

Golem: ...Hi. I'm Golem. You know, that guy. The loveable everyman! (Or boy). As your class president, I promise to make everything better. I will do away with status quos for new and better things, and I'll make my new love interest... oh dammit, I can't go on like this anymore! This charade must die! Everything's always been about Sapphire, and I can't do anything with myself until I have her back! So Sapphire... will you be with me?

Sapphire: No.

Golem: Eerf.. Well student body, will you have me as your president?

Everyone: Nope.

Golem: Well... that would mean I'm defeated.

*veryone nods, as Golem steps off the stage slowly, being burned by everyone's glares. Kinoko shakes her head, grabs him by the leg, swings him around and tosses him through a row of Mune's priceless vases. Golem dusts himself off and walks out the door. After a moment of concentrated scorn, everyone begins applauding.*

Wariofan: Oh my god, BEST SPEECH EVER!

Vivid: Oh man, my Golem fangirl fanclub senses are tingling! Let's all make our votes!

*Kinoko and Toby try putting their fondue-smeared votes in at the same time and look up at each other.*

Toby: Excuse me... (smile shines)

Kinoko: (punches him in the face gleefully)

Toby: So hot...

Headmaster Thrakun: Shut it while we compile the votes.

The Wall: You, Headmaster of this institution? Come with me. You're under ARREST. This young citizen has compiled all of your offenses and they're pretty bad.

Grumblin' Mune: (grins)

Headmaster Thrakun: Absurdity!

The Wall: Everything's here. You've even kidnapped a pair of students and held them in one of your faculty member's basements? Balderdash!

*GM is released into the party, and embraces Tyler and Hooded Figure warmly. Professor Luiigii discreetly slips Mune some money with a wink. The other kidnapped figure then slowly steps down, with everyone looking to him affectionately.*

Fred: Did someone mention an election, oh I do say this shall be easy to buy out. Who wants free money HYDROGEN PEROXIIIIIIDEE!

*Fred buys everything ever and lives happily ever after.*

Grumblin' Mune: (swipes the Get Out of High School Free card from Thrakun's pocket) Hyess! (swipes his Grumblin' title for Headmaster) NOW CLEAN UP MY CAR, MY HOUSE, EVERYTHING AND GO HOME YOU DARNED, IRRESPONSIBLE... (slips over a rubber duckie and looks up to find Toby's insignia on it) PAAAAAARRRRTTY GOOOOOOOEEEEERSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

*At the same time, Yami wanders alone down the nighttime street on a path of angsty strolling parallel to Golem's.*

Yami: I just don't think I'll fit in anywhere...

*Lupus pulls up next to him on a motorcycle.*

Lupus: It's over. They don't have time for our kind anymore.

Yami: But...

Lupus: Get in.

*Yami hops onto the motorcycle. Lupus then drives off from the sunrise, with Lupus briefly looking back at the school briefly as the pass it.*

Lupus: GHU... I will post in you then...

*They disappear into the horizon and are never seen again.*

Mole Guy: What about our beloved hero, Glem? Let me tell you that story...

*Golem walks alone down the unusually long and winding path to his house while "Don't Stop Believing" starts playing.*

Golem: It's all over. Everyone and everything and everyhow hates me. I'm just a grade-A chump!

Sapphire: Not to me you're not.

*Sapphire is standing on his doorstep.*

Golem: Not a... wait that was confusing wording, I have no idea what you're communicating.

Sapphire: That... damn, I don't even know. But it was supposed to be good. Because I've thought things over, and I think I should be with you.

Golem: But... Flutter.. there's nothing that can conceivably bring you to break up with him and choose me! Absolutely nothing!

*They begin to dance in the streetlight.*

Sapphire: You forgot one thing. This is a sitcom world... so I can choose to be with you at the last minute.

Golem: It's as romantic as it is convenient...

Sapphire: Let's go trick or Christmas caroling, just like you always dreamed of.

Golem: (summons the strength to carry Sapphire, and they walk off down the sidewalk as autumn leaves and snowflakes fall) Well, er-ah, y'know, I just.... ~teehee~!

*They both turn and suddenly make jazz hands at the camera as everything fades to black...*

Author: Nintenfreak

In the darkness of the locker room, where Flutter and Big Al lived, because we didn't have money for an extra set of a house we probably won't see but once, Flutter sobbed to himself. Big Al hated seeing turtles cry because they can't, and even a functional retard like Al knew that.

Big Al asked, "What's wrong?"

"I think my girlfriend dumped me," Flutter sobbed.

"How do you know?" Al asked.

"Sitcom rules. By the end of the story, she always has to be with the main character," Flutter dry heaved a little, "And that wasn't meeeeeeeeeee aughhuuuhhuh."

"Hey, cheer up. You got to be class president. That's something, right?"

Flutter sniffled the snot out of his ridiculously long nasal cavity, "Yeah, but without Sapphire, it's all empty."

"So, what happened in the afterlife?" Al asked.

"Huh?"

"You know, when you and Golem had to team up against impossible odds to defeat a foe more powerful than all of life combined in an effort to rescue your girlfriend's soul?"

"Those are a lot of words. Are you sure you're okay?" Flutter asked between sobbing inhaling.

"Uh, me stupid, damned if me know anything."

"There, I appreciate you breaking character to ask about how I'm doing, but that's just ridiculous," Flutter afforded himself a little laugh. "Actually, that was all a huge prank by the Councellor. He sent us to the custodian's broom closet. Golem lost a fight with a steam vent. You should have been there." Flutter began to laugh some more. Then he frowned and started to pout some more. "Oh no, I see what you're trying to do! Well, it's not gonna work. No way am I ever gonna get over Sapphire.

Al jingled some keys. In the moonlight they sparkled and shined. Flutter was suddenly calmed. Somehow, everyone had gotten what they wanted. Flutter got his unnecessary power that almost everyone who voted for him suggested was a bad idea. Golem got the girl, even though he hadn't really grown any, learned any big lesson, and in spite of the fact that it went against, probably, every realistic expectation for a relationship.

"I'll always have you, buddy," Flutter said.

"I graduate in May," Al replied.

In an instant, Flutter's eyes grew sorrowful.

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