Story:MMEDDP Chapter 5
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Chapter 5[edit]
Peter Jennings: . . . and that was the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party Convention. We now go to our commentary . . .
Commentator #1: I think this convention stank like old cheese that's be left out for a month. Even AlGore's speech was better than this whole convention.
C #2: I disagree, I found it much better than any convention I've ever seen.
C #1: What do you mean!?!?!? . . .
~ Television turns off ~
Ditto: You always notice how someone turns off the TV when we don't want to type the whole story.
Vorpal: Yeah that’s weird.
[Elsewhere...]
Dubya: [muttering] Maybe we are going about this all wrong...
Cheney: What plan have you formed now, my lord?
Dubya: [looking up] Huh? Nothing yet, still pondering. I mean, we have those crazy Clintin's, and now this hoky doky whatever party to deal with. We need more help.
Cheney: Well. [Clears throat] I wasn't sure when I should mention this but...
Dubya: What is it?
Cheney: We have a visitor. Supposedly well established in republican history. You know him.
Dubya: Could it be that dear ol' dad has come through?
Cheney: Well... not quite yet. I present to you...
[Trumpets sound]
Cheney: ...Former Vice president and my personal hero...
[More trumpets blare]
Cheney: ...Mr. Dan Quayle!
[Thunderous applause is heard]
Dubya: What's with all the dang noise?
Cheney: [Whispering] it makes him feel good about himself.
Dubya: Ah... I see. So my father has sent him... or he came on his own?
Cheney: As far as I've heard.
[Dan Quayle walks in]
Quayle: Your father sent me to aid you in any way that I could against those hell raising Clintin's...and your newest rivals.
Cheney: See! See! He's not all that bad! So tell us, Mr. Quayle sir, what plans have you and Mr. Bush formed for us?
Dubya: [thinking]//I need a worthy sidekick. I also need a good plan. I can't fit any executions in here though.//
Quayle: Dubya! [Snaps fingers]
Dubya: Oh... sorry. I was just thinking.
*Quayle and Cheney burst into hysterical laughter*
Cheney: *stands up and clears his throat* Remember, I’m the brains behind the operation. And we have formed a plan.
Dubya: okay let's hear it.
Quayle: It's quite simple, chap. it's called bargaining, deals, and espionage, trade offs...
Dubya: What?
Cheney: Simple. If we get something that they want, they will give us something that we want. We get hostages; they pay us by surrendering the presidency! And mmrrr mrrrpph mmmphh
[Quayle silenced him]
Quayle: //the talkative fool could reveal too much...about the Boss's plan...Hope this one falls for it...//
Dubya: What? But you know that would also be dangerous to my career! I will be a criminal!
Quayle: Nonsense! You think EVERYONE'S on the up and up around here?
Dubya: //there is something he's not telling me...//
[Elsewhere, in a dark room]
Mysterious figure: I hope my son falls for it... my plan to control America...
[Okay, now back to the Panik Party]
Vorpal: So what's next?
Ditto: What a great convention! THAT should garner some support!
Vorpal: *Very mad* How will it garner support? It was so wild and controversial it wasn't even TELEVISED!
Ditto: No, but the unofficial, behind-the-scenes video is selling like HOTCAKES.
Vorpal: You mean, people want to see what went on, so they buy unofficial videos to watch privately without anyone knowing???!!!
Ditto: Yep, and while other conventions doled out TONS of money to get publicity. WE'RE making $20 bucks a tape!
Vorpal: You, are a genius.
Ditto: You're welcome. *wink*
*Suddenly, a rock crashes through the window*
Vorpal: A note... It says...
Deare MMEDDPers(e), Wee challengee youe toe ae debatee anywheree, anytimee, anyplacee. Youe wille faile.
Vorpal: What's with the spelling?
Ditto: *Popping Eyes* Who... who wrote that?
Lady In Red: Hmmm... this madman puts an extra 'e' at the end of every word... Hmmm... Oh my God! It could only be...
Batman: *in a dramatic voice* Do you know what this means, Robin?
Robin: *pounds his fist into his hand* Holy superfluous 'e' Batman! Our archenemy The Quayle is on the loose again!
Both: To the Batmobile!
*They hop in and go to McDonalds*
Vorpal: I knew we shouldn't have invited them. Well, I'd better get ready for the debates.
--Meanwhile, in Tallahassee Florida, in the Mansion of Governor Jeb Bush (or, as he is known, "Shrub")--
Shrub: *in another room, on the telephone* Sure, big bro. I'll come help ya! *Hangs up* Well, dear, my older brother needs help, and he's called me to Texas to lend a hand.
Wife: Dear? Are you sure this is a good idea? Aren't you worried people will say you're a... a... *bites her lip* ...Luigi?
Shrub: *still in other room* Dear, I'm not, okay? Just because I helped my older brother launch his career years ago, and now he's nationally famous while I'm a little-known governor doesn't make me a Luigi. I just happen to be his quieter, lesser-known younger brother who is quite happy being out of the spotlight and going about his everyday duties.
Narrator: Shrub steps out of his bedroom. He is wearing lime-green overalls and a blue shirt.
Shrub: Now, I'll be back as soon as my older brother no longer needs me. *kisses her* Mama mia.
Wife: *confused* Wha- what did you just say?
Shrub: I just said "Mama mia." Now, please, I'm gonna miss my flight. Is my ride ready?
Wife: Yes, dear. It's outside, with a full tank of gas.
Shrub: Great.
Narrator: Shrub goes out the door, and down the driveway. He pulls out on to the highway in a small Kart.
Shrub: *puts on a green cap* Here we go.
*Back at the Bush camp*
Quayle: What! You've called Shrub?
Dubya: Yes. My little brother can be of great help to me.
Quayle: But...what does he know that I don't?
Dubya: //lots of things...like how to spell// Well, let's say he's one of my staunch supporters.
Quayle: But I was the vice president! He's a simple governor! A Luigi!
Dubya: I'm a governor too.
Quayle: This is your career we're talking about!
Dubya: I'm sure 'Shrub' and I will be just fine. Tell dear old dad that I do not need his help now.
Quayle: //The boss isn't gonna like this...//
Cheney: Dubya! Quayle is right, you know!
Quayle: Don't worry, Cheney. I shall return. [exits]
[later]
Quayle: [on cell-phone] Boss. Bad news.
Old Man: I heard. Don't worry about my sons. I have new plans. I want YOU to take over the campaign.
Quayle: *whines* But...The public hates me!
Old Man: Nonsense! You still have that debate. All I need you to do is convince my sons...
[Elsewhere]
The room is as cold as a meat freezer compartment in a storage room. But the occpants dont seem to mind it.
Hellary: Chillsea, have you found any information yet?
Chillsea: Not yet mother, but there is loads more material. I'm curious to know more about that mysterious woman who showed up at the party.
Hellary: In the meantime I will send out our fools to investigate. They keep failing, but unfortunately we have no one else to send out... a pity really. [Presses a button on her desk] BILL!
Clintin': Ye-eess dear?
Hellary: Send out those bumbling idiots on a little expedition, now will you> It's a really simple task.
Clintin': Ye-eess dear. Anything you want. [Runs back to his office]
Hellary: The incompetence... [sighs]
Clintin': Al! Joe! Pat!
Algore: Yes boss?
Lieberman: Lieber! Lieber!
Pukecannon: You called?
Clintin': We're sending you out on another mission. Please PLEASE don't fail me again!
Pukecannon: What is it that you would like done, sir?
Chillsea appears.
Chillsea: I want you to spy on these people. [Hands him a stack of papers and pictures] Bring back all the information you can. Got it?
Pukecannon: Ye-ess sir! Uh, ma'im.
[Meanwhile]
Vorpal: So how do we prepare for this debate thingy?
Ditto: It may be a trap...
Vorpal: The Quayle... wasn't he released from prison?
Ditto: Worse. Former vice president. You do remember, don't you?
Vorpal: OH! [Slaps forehead] But why would HE want to meet with us?
Lady in Red: it seems to me that he's teamed up with Dubya. He must be pretty desperate. I almost feel sorry for him.
Vorpal: You WHAT?
Lady in Red: I said ALMOST. You know I'm supporting you guys. And I'm Democrat anyway. *pause* Well, sometimes...
Ditto: Do you want to come along?
Lady in Red: Sure, why not?
Vorpal: *mad* Ditto! I was going to ask her!
Ditto: Well? [Shrugs]
Tom Bodet: We find our two hometown boys in Paris, Texas, the site of the first debate. They are staying in a familiar motel preparing for the debates, none other than (takes a double take at the cue cards) Holiday Inn?!?!?!? Whose side are you on?
Vorpal: *sweatdrop* I told you to leave him behind.
Ditto: *nervous laugh* heh, heh
Weird Al: Okay, now when you're stuck say something about food. That always got me out of a sticky situation.
Vorpal: Thanks, Al. What does Merlin say?
Ditto walks over to the Merlin machine and puts in a quarter.
Ditto: You can never escape your past. Your lucky numbers are 21, 3 and 6.
Vorpal: . . . 3 and 6 . . . there got it. Now to memorize it and then destroy the evidence.
Vorpal eats the paper.
Lady in Red: *anime sweatdrop* Did you have to do that?
Vorpal: Not really. I just thought it'd be kinda dramatic.
Everyone: *collective anime sweat drop*
Vorpal: What?!?!?
On some news talk political show on Sunday that no one watches except or me [Vorpal] . . .
Announcer guy: And today with us is Vorpal who is the Presidential Nominee for the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panic Party.
Vorpal: That's "Panik" with a "k".
AG: *confused* How can you tell that I said it with a "c" and not a "k"?
Vorpal: Easy this is a written story.
AG: *sweat* . . . uh, yeah, anyway, your new slogan is "Got Shotgun?" Let me show our viewers that commercial . . .
Announcer: Hm... For some reason the reel isn't projecting...
[there is a black out at the TV station]
Vorpal: Hey!
Announcer: This isn't good, this isn't good at all...
Voice: Of course it isn't you fool! In fact, there's something that I'd like to say. [There is a loud saxophone blaring in the background]
Vorpal: What is that?
Ditto: I don't like the sounds of that...
Lady in Red: [covering ears] I can't HEAR myself think!
Voice: Mwahahaha!
AlGore: Uh, Pat, I don't think our orders were to...
Pukecannon: well, there's ways of getting information, and there are ways of getting information.
AlGore: *nervous laugh* Heh...heh... I figured that...I thought we were going to do it Madam Chillsea's way... you know... quietly...
Pukecannon: Them women don't know what they are talking about! We will handle it my way. Okay?
AlGore: Whatever...
Lady in Red: Oh, it's those fools who call themselves the Democratic Party. Well, except for Pat of course. I still don't understand why he's running with them.
Ditto: He probably figured out that running with 1% of the vote wasn't enough.
Pukecannon: Hey! I heard that! And now we will avenge ourselves! [He whispers to gore] uh, you and Lieberman distract them, and try to get information out of them.
AlGore: *confused* I still don't understand some of your crazy notions...
Lady In Red: I guess it's time that I taught you another lesson, eh?
AlGore: Lieberman is protected against heart attacks now!
Lady In Red: Well I figured that a prank tactic would work on him....
Vorpal: I think I will go run the commercial...
[Elsewhere, two shadows are watching TV]
Person#1: Look, mother, it's that Panik party promotion commercial.
Person#2: That was never supposed to air... BILL!!!!
[The commercial runs on...]
--commercial--
Voice: Those lobbyists in Washington D.C. control every politician in Washington. You need someone who has had absolutely no experience to go up there and fight for you!
As the narrator talks there are pictures of the Congress building zooming in and out at weird angles. Then Vorpal and Ditto appear shining shotguns and giving them to kids.
Voice: Vorpal and Ditto have gone against every politician and wants to give every American a shotgun. They gone beyond Bush . . .
A picture of Bush frowning now appears.
. . . and want to make hangings and firing squads legal death sentences again against every politician in Washington. Don't you want someone to fight the politicians who aren't even concerned about your rights?
The words "Got Shotgun?" appear and underneath in very small type - "Paid for by the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party of Toronto, Canada"
--the commercial ends--
*Later on the five o clock news*
Some Professor: If you look very closley at this corner of this frame of the ad, you can see the subliminal message that says "Vote Doki Doki Panik" *looks too closely at the ad* Must. . . vote. . . Doki Doki Panik. . .
Important News Anchor: Let me see *snap* Must. . . vote. . . Doki Doki Panic. . .
(They both walk away.)
(Camera zooms up at the Message.)
Entire News Crew: Must. . . vote. . . Doki Doki Panik. . .
Narrator: Hoards of employees march out of the building.
Vorpal: Not bad... Now, we're making another one!
Ditto: Watch this one! *Pops in the tape*
*Shows a bunch of kids sitting in front of a video game. On screen is Ganondorf, standing in front of the Princess. He is holding Link at arm's length, and is laughing. Link swings his sword, but just can't hit him*
Boy: Rescue the Princess Link!
Girl: C'mon, Mario! Jump!
Boy: No that was a different one.
Girl: Oh, okay!
Boy: Why can't he rescue her?
Mom: Kids, dinner!
*The little cretins get up and run to the table, leaving the game on. Link looks out and sees a cabinet in the living room*
Link: Aha!
*He jumps out of the screen and bounds across the living room. He darts into a cabinet, and comes out holding a 12-gauge shotgun, wearing a pair of sunglasses. He levels the crosshairs at Ganondorf and pulls the trigger, blowing his head off. Link struts to the TV and goes up to the Princess.
Announcer: "Got Shotgun?"
(Screen goes black and the words "Got Shotgun?" appears, followed by "Paid for by the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party and the Committee to Elect Vorpal")
Charlton Heston: I like it! *Fires shotgun into the air*
| Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik |
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