Story:MMEDDP Chapter 7
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Chapter 7
Chapter 12: Got Platform?
Ditto: What did you say?!?
Vorpal: I wanna take my message to the people. *SLAP!*
Vorpal: Thanks, man... It's the climate of Washington, I guess... It gets into yer blood, makes you wanna do weird things...
Lady in Red: Actually, I don't think it may be a bad idea. He couldn't do any worse than those other wing nuts.
Ditto: All right, all right...
~Later~
Tom Bodett: ...
Ditto: C'mon, Tom! Just do the seg-way!
Tom Bodett: Forget it. I done been stabbed in the back.
Ditto: Fine, fine. You can include a plug for Motel 6.
Tom Bodett: *grins* ...And so, Vorpal set out on that long, winding, dusty Campaign Trail, with nothin' but a few two-by-fours of imagination, and the nails of determination, with which to build a platform of his very own, from which to spread his message from the purple mountains to the shinin' sea. For far beyond the hustle n' bustle of the big city, out beyond the wind dancin' o'er the amber waves of grain, his mind's eye beheld a nation of greatness, with freedom to all, a buck for anyone with a strong back, and places like the Hotel 6, where we'll leave the light on fer 'ya.
Ditto: Man, is that guy ever eloquent.
Bodett: And so, with the sun reachin' the midpoint of it's daily pilgrimage to the West, that young American forced a lump of fear to roll down as his throat, as he faces the firin' squad of questions from his loyal citizens...
Ditto: So, are we ready for this rally?
Vorpal: Some guy named Neovejitto wanted to handle it. So I figure I'll let him.
Ditto: OK. What else are you gonna do to "reach out?"
Vorpal: Well, people really responded well to that book about Abe Lincoln, "With Malice Toward None," so I put out my own autobiography.
*Holds up a copy of a book with a picture of the Lincoln Memorial, with his face superimposed over Lincoln's, and the title "With Malice Toward Pretty Much Everybody."
Lady In Red: *running up* Hey, Vorp. The results are in from the surveys we put out asking voters about you.
Vorpal: Great, what does it say?
Lady in Red: Well, 36% find the black body armor and glowing purple sword to be threatening. They're concerned you’re not sending out an image of 'diplomacy.'
Vorpal: Maybe I should switch to Earth Tones?
Lady in Red: *roll eyes*
Voice: BILL!!!!
Clintin': Yes dear?
Hellary: Could you explain to me why we are down in the polls?
Clintin': Well you see, it's the public. They rather go for cankerous teens who would rather run the country into the ground than a bunch of sensible adults as we are, dear.
Hellary: ...
Chillsea: Mother dear, I'm afraid I can't get much on their backgrounds. Ditto is merely a shape-changer as far as these records go, Vorpal doesn't have much posted about himself... unless we can get that auto biography of his... and the Lady In Red who is usually seen with them is just a big question-mark to me.
Clintin': A red question mark?
Both Hellary and Chillsea take turns smacking Bill.
Clintin': Yowza, that hurt..
Chillsea: I have also learned that Monica Lewinsky has joined up with their campaigning.
Hellary: BILL!!
Clintin': Don't hurt me...
- -:-:-:-:-:
Booming Voice: Fools! Incompetents!
Cheney: [in a small voice] 'Twasn't my fault sir..
Quayle: It seems our plans have run amuck...
Old Man: Obviously you aren't working hard enough. Now Dubya and Scrub think they can handle this all on their own, but Dubya wouldn't be anywhere without my financial guidance and support. Make sure that he realizes that.
Cheney: [to Quayle] He's threatening us. Is that good or bad?
Quayle: We won't fail you again sir. [To Cheney] As a vice president you have to be sure to talk sense into your running mate... since you are the brains behind this operation.
Old Man: [muttering to himself] I am surrounded by idiots...
- -:-:-:-:-:
Lady in Red: Ready to start the polls?
Vorpal: Do you think we can handle the questions?
Lady In Red: *shrug* It's your campaign. Whatever image you want to convey to the press is your own choice.
Ditto: let's see, why don't we start with that person wa-ay in the back?
Audience Member: Vorpal, how will you handle special interest groups?
Vorpal: I love special interest groups. Especially pitting them against one another. You should see what happens when you put the "Homeless" groups in the same room with the "Wilderness" groups!
Audience: *uproarious laughter*
Ditto: Anyone else?
Lady in Red: There's another one.
Vorpal: Ask away!
Random male: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center in a tootsie pop?
Vorpal: Uhhh…1,000,000,000. Next!
Random male: Hey, thanks!
Random female: Are you planning to enforce gun control laws in schools?
Vorpal: Absolutely NOT! I believe that our founding fathers had a clear vision when they made the Constitution. Everyone should have a gun! And two for those that go to dangerous places such as schools and public libraries!
Ditto: ...and Cafeterias!
["Of course the Forefathers meant we could have assault rifles. In their day, all guns were assault rifles." -P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of ******, 1991]
Audience member: How do you feel about the tax rate?
Vorpal: To taxes, I say we don't have enough! I believe that you should be taxed a whole bunch so I can make a lot of money!
Random Audience Member: Didn't you know that the taxes don't become the President's money?
Vorpal: They don't?!
Ditto: *whispering in Vorpal's ear* The next President will only make $400,000 a year after Clinton gets out of office.
Vorpal: (ala Homer Simpson) Woohoo!
Ditto: Don't you know that a lot more people will make a lot more than you?
Vorpal: Yeah, but it's more than I make now.
Ditto: Good point. C'mon. Anyone?
*tumbleweed bounces by*
Ditto: I guess the voters don't care about the issues.
Random Person: How much money will you use to fight poverty?
Vorpal: NONE! I think we give TOO MUCH to poverty! And for what? Huh? Why do we give so much to poverty? I mean, what has poverty ever done for us, huh?
Another Random Person: So, how do you intend to fix the school system?
Ditto: The same way he intends to beef up the military.
SSG: Points to a lazy, bored-looking kid in the audience. Ditto: The way I see it, the problem here is motivation. *evil grin* The way it works is, any student who can't maintain a 'C' average... will automatically be inducted into the U.S. Armed Services!
SSG: Suddenly, a scary lookin' military guy with sunglasses and a broad hat appears behind the boy and stares grimly down on him.
Sarge: You ever wondered what it feels like to be a stain on someone's shoe, boy?
Kid: GULP! *runs off to do homework*
Ditto: ...And there you have it! Instant motivation!
Voice#1: Enough of this idiocy!
Voice#2: Yeah!
Vorpal: Saywhathuh?
Lady in Red: Looks like we have visitors...
Ditto: *yawn* It's Puke and Gore again. Don't they ever give up?
Lady in Red: Apparently not.
AlGore: Just "friendly" competition, folks.
Vorpal: Whatever.
Pukecannon: We're just here because we noticed there were some inconsistencies with your backgrounds.
AlGore: How are the people to trust you if they don't know anything about you?
Ditto: Where are you trying to go with this?
AlGore: For example..
Puke: Vorpal, killed the President of Norway!!!
Everyone: GASP!!!
Vorpal: heh, heh, It. . . it was a thing I. . . uh . . . did in my youth, yeah! But, I've learned from those mistakes.
Algore: You're only 15 and yet you’re running for President, when you have to be 35! Ditto: You have no proof!!!!
Puke: You're real name is Stryke!!!
Vorpal: Noooooooo!!!!! . . .
???: So you've checked up on them Cap'n Rapheal the Raven?
Rapheal: Of course... here are the stats *hands over paper*
???: Hmm.. yes.. ahh... WHAT!? Vorpal is running!? With Ditto!?
Dodo: That is right my liege...
???: Gah! I'll overcome this, I may be a sword, but I CAN beat that 15-year-old thwhimp!
Dactyl: *snickers* You need a Campaign Manager first!
???: Yes... but who would do that for the new Union of Birdocrats?
Dodo: Not one of us, we are but minions and NPC's.
???: Yes... I shall begin searching for a campaign manager! And this time I shall triumph over that rip-off Vorpal!
Rapheal: Bravo, my liege! But the crowd likes you to blab about how your going to make their life good.
???: How's this... Citizens...Ladies, Gentleman, Boys, Girls, and those in between. I come to you not as a man, and not as a sword, but as a voice. A voice that cries out for peace and justice. I admit I do desire power and wish to see Vorpal flattened like a pancake. But besides that, working together we can make this a country... a country above all countries! For as soon as my election is won, The United States of A-- A-- (Hey Dodo what was it again?)
Dodo: Asia I believe...
???: Unites States of Asia shall rise above the clouds and henceforth be called New Canada!
Dodo: Was it not Birdopolis, sire?
???: Birdopolois! Where all citizens will be able to fly, and the lower 'Earthbounds' shall be but our slaves! Poverty shall be no more, sports video games shall be no more, and purchasing ‘brains’ at your local Fingerhut shall perform education! Are YOU WITH ME!?
Dodo: Bravo! Masterfully done! And when you tell them you implanted bombs in their heads that will explode if they don’t vote for you, your sure to win!
Rapheal: Ahh! If only I had but a portion of your genius, Sire...
???: *cue evil laughter*
That Delightful Peter Jennings: And so, Vorpal and Ditto have dropped drastically in the polls since Algore and Pukecannon disgraced their names. In other news, a sword named Masamune has announced his run for Presidency. It's much too late for him to get on the polls, but he's asking for everyone's write in vote. His biggest promise: No more sports video games!
Clinton: (turning off TV) what?!?!?!?!? Now he's gonna win for sure!
Masamune: Ahh! This is all to perfect! We are scaling the popularity charts!
Dodo: Behold our new commercial!
Masamune: *Turns to TV*
Commercial---
Voice: Who do you want as the leader of our nation, their are plenty of good choices... save one! Vorpal, behold... *screen changes to reenactments of Vorpal doing a bunch of bad things* Do you really want a 15 year old brat to rule this country?
Woman 1: That Vorpal is a no good scumbag! Back in the city he used to be a mayor at, I was robbed in front of a hundred witnesses and he didn't do a thing!
Man 1: That Vorpal snitched me out of ten grand!
Woman 2: Vorpal isn't that bad...
Man 2: Vorpal is a scoundrel that doesnt even use his real name!
Kid 1: Umm.. Vorpal is a doopie-head!
Voice: Vote for Masamune! He cares about your needs, so give a hoot, or he'll give you.. *woman 2 suddenly explodes* the boot!
Another Voice: Masamune... a darn nice guy!
Kid: And Vorpal is a doopie-head!
Vorpal: Gah! His commercial ads are on all the TVs! And he's spreading false rumors and blowing up my supporters!
Ditto: Don't worry, I've been working on a campaign plan... follow me!
Vorpal: Whoa, dude, you've returned!
Ditto: I came as soon as I heard. Our old archenemy Masamune, eh?
Vorpal: Yeah. He's just running because he hates my guts.
Ditto: What's with you two anyway? Why does he hate you?
Vorpal: Well, one of the Vorpal Sword's previous owners was the one who sealed him up in the Masamune. That, and I never let him play "sheriff" when we played "Cowboys and Rustlers." Where were you?
Ditto: I assumed that with our incredible efforts, we'd be shoe-ins for Nov. 7th, so I decided to kick back and relax on my private island.
Vorpal: You have a private island?!?
Ditto: Hey, can't tell ya everything. Anyway, I've had something in the works.
Vorpal: Great. We can always rely upon you. What'd you do?
Ditto: I thought for a while. I figured out why people don't care about political speeches.
Vorpal: ...?
Ditto: ...You see, speeches are not only lies, they are the most tepid kind of lie. Basically, "I'll balance the budget, sort of..." "I won't raise taxes, if I can help it..." Snoozeville.
Vorpal: Uh-huh.
Ditto: ...So, I came up with... an INTERESTING SPEECH! Guaranteed to grab their attention! : *hands him the paper*
Vorpal: *runs his eyes over it* Hmmm... MAN, THIS IS GOOOD!
Ditto: I thought you'd like it.
Vorpal: Quickly, I must go and get this to the greatest number of people possible!
Ditto: ...TO MADISON SQUARE GARDENS! *they run off*
Bodett: Later... in the center of New York City, we see Masamune schmoozing with a huge crowd of rich, important people. He is holding a huge slice of New Yorker pizza and wearin' a T-Shirt that says "It's A Sword Thang."
Masamune: Yeah! Elect me!
*Suddenly, a long black limo covered with ? Marks rolls up. Out steps Vorpal, and after him, Ditto. They go to the center of MSG and set up a soapbox*
Masamune: Curses! What are they doing here?
Ditto: Kickin' your handle, you over grown kitchen-knife. *pulls out an extension cord, hooks one end up to Vorpal's mike, and plugs in the other end* Vorp, you're on.
Vorpal: Ahem. Is this thing on? Is thi- SSSSCCCCRRRREEEEECH- esting, one two. *Ditto gives him the thumbs up*
Vorpal: Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, recently, your ears have been assaulted by the battle cries of a liar! A certain sword who shall remain nameless, *jerks his head toward Masamune* has been claiming things, he CAN'T deliver! Sure, we all want to fly, but HE can't deliver it! HE claims to have expertise? He should stick to spreadin' butter on TOAST!
*crowd chuckles. More and more of Masamune's followers turn to listen to Vorpal*
Vorpal: Why, elect yours truly to Capitol Hill, and I'll ship the swag home in boxcar lots. You'll be paving the roads with bacon around here when I am done shoveling out the pork barrel. There'll be government jobs for your dog! Leave your garden hose running for fifteen minutes, and I'll have the Department of Transportation build an eight-lane suspension bridge across the puddle! Show me a wet basement, and I'll get you a naval base and make your Roto-Rooter man an admiral of the fleet! There’ll be farm subsidies for every geranium you've got in a pot, defense contracts for Junior's spitballs, and free day care for Sister's dolls.*
Crowd: Vor-PAL! Vor-PAL! Vor-PAL!
Masamune: *jaw drops, stands, slack-jawed, while the cheese on his pizza plops to the sidewalk* Gott in himmel.
By now, Masamune has but one follower...
Masamune: Heh! So much for them... *clicks a button and the people explode into a nasty mess of censored stuff* You thought I was kidding huh?
Vorpal and Ditto: *jaws drop* I... don’t believe it!
Masamune: I used to be an extremely powerful Majick before being stuck in the sword! Now... Let this be a lesson to anyone else that should dare oppose me, I am your rightful leader!
Vorpal: We can't out-technologize him...
Ditto: Outmagic either... if MagiKoopa and Yoshiman were here it'd be no problem. So you and me shall use our skills, outcool and outsmart!
Vorpal: But will it work? People value their life over their popularity or knowledge... By now, Masamune has gained a crowd four times the size he had who are now doing exactly as he does.
Masamune: Yes my children... following me is the only way to live!
Vorpal: Right! Coolness and smartness! When all else fails, rely on our strengths. We'll outcool him!
Ditto: Actually, Vorp, I think it would be better to try to outsmart him first.
Vorpal: You got plan?
Ditto: I ALWAYS have a plan. I've been working on a solution to the brain-bomb problem.
Vorpal: But, we just learned about the brain-bomb.
Ditto: Don't question me.
Vorpal: Sorry.
Narrator: Ditto takes out a remote control and presses a button. Suddenly, the Dittomobile stretches out and sprouts wings and jet engines. A crimson-carpeted stairway leads up into the now Ditto Learjet. They climb in and take their seats in the spacious interior.
Vorpal: Nice. Where are we going?
Ditto: I want to show you my idea on my private island.
Vorpal: I gotta see this private island. What's your idea?
Ditto: All in good time, Vorp. Right now, we have to go to a cut scene showing our long-neglected enemies. It'll be over by the time we get there.
Vorpal: Awww. We can't even see the cut scene! What'll we do till then?
Ditto: We'll watch the in-flight movie.
Narrator: Pushing buttons on his armrest, Ditto dims the lights and pulls down a screen. A projector rises up out of the floor in the middle of the plane. Vorpal: Oh! What is it?
Ditto: Uhhh... *checks the box* ALL RIGHT! "Princess Mononoke!!"
Vorpal: ...I'll never understand your taste in movies...
Ditto: SShh! It's starting!
Bodett: Meanwhile, in another part of the country, we visit a shadowy figure, arranging his backroom plans. Outside the window is a view of the Texas oilfields. On the wall is a diploma from Yale. Beside it is a picture of young Dubya. The words, "To dad, frum Jorge." are written in crayon on it. It is dated "1992." Sitting in a leather chair, sits a sinister old man with a peculiar, jerky way of talking, a freakish grin, and a habit of putting the accent on the wrong syllables. He is cloaked in shadow, save for his glinting glasses.
Man: Hmmm. Those boys just can't get it right. If my dimwit son bungles this one, I'll never regain control of the country, and exact my revenge against those upstart Clintin's for disgracing me back in '92! Looks like those boys need some help from... their OLD MAN! Hahaha! BAR!
Barbara: Yes, dear?
The Old Man: The polls aren't lookin' so well. Looks like I'm gonna have to go down there and give Junior a hand. It's the only way for me to regain control of the country, and exact my revenge against those Clintin's for disgracing me in '92. Just, tell me one thing... Are those cookies I smell baking?
Bar: Yes, George. Oatmeal cookies.
Old Man: Oh! Bring me a couple, will ya?
Bar: No, dear. You'll spoil your dinner.
Old Man: What's for dinner?
Bar: Broccoli.
Old Man: Read, my, lips! I hate broccoli!
Bar: Oh, George, give it up. It didn't work in '92, it won't work now.
The Old Man: Forget it. I'll be on my way.
Bar: Wipe your cowboy boots on the way out! No tracking oil on my nice clean floors!
The Old Man: *sigh* Yes, dear. *puts on a cowboy hat and boots, and stalks out*
Meanwhile, in Republican Committee Headquarters...
Shrub: I got news, bro. The old man's on his way!
Dubya: Quick! Hide the video games! Make it look like I'm studying! Awww, man! He's gonna killify me!
Shrub: You haven't changed since college.
Narrator: Suddenly, the door is kicked open by a pair of cowboy boots. A tall, gangly old man steps in and sets his suitcases down. It's none other than... George Herbert Walker Bush! *Melodramatic Music*
The Old Man: Well, aren't you boys gonna say hello to your Old Man?
Dubya and Shrub: Hi, dad.
The Old Man: ‘Attaboy! Now, let's get down to business! Mwa ha ha ha!
Narrator: While the bad guys discuss their plan, we now join Vorpal and Ditto, who are now landing on a lush, tropical island. In the center is a huge estate. Ditto and Vorpal leave the plane.
Ditto: *sniff* It's so sad... they'll never be together! *sniff*
Vorpal: WOW! What a neat place! Now, tell me your plan.
Ditto: Okay, okay. Anyway, I asked myself, "How did Masamune get armed, microscopic bombs into people?" And I figured it out! Through the water supply! Vorpal: ...Of course!
Ditto: So, I have developed a microscopic device that we can ALSO slip into people, that will send out signals that will JAM any incoming signals to detonate the bombs, thus rendering them useless!
Vorpal: Ditto, you're a genius.
Ditto: You have no idea... Now, to inject them into the populace! To HOOVER DAM!
Vorpal: Awww, man. I got jet lag. I wanna see this tropical island.
Ditto: Don't question me, Vorp.
Vorpal: Sorry. What's the movie this time?
Ditto: "Kikki's Delivery Service!"
Vorpal: ...
Bodett: And so, those resourceful young boys flew back across the country, and released billions and billions of those tiny, life-saving devices into the water supply, much to the enemy's dismay...
Back in Masa's HQ...
Masamune: Hey! Vorpal's rising in the polls again! Looks like I'm gonna have to decimate some more of the populace!
*presses the button*
Masamune: Huh? Nothing's happening. *pushes buttons randomly* What's going on?
Birdo: I don't know, boss. All I know is, I haven't had a drink of water in hours. *gets up*
Masamune: Why aren't they working? There's one button I haven't tried...
Narrator: In desperation, Masamune tries the last button. Suddenly, Birdo, who is just about to take a drink, goes up in a ball of fire.
Masamune: Ooops! Uh... someone get a dustpan and clean that up...
Vorpal: Ugg! Letmeoutletmeout!!!!!
Ditto: You don't like Kikki?
Vorpal: *shudder* Don't mention that name again.
Ditto: Fine. You can pick the movie next time.
Vorpal: Woohoo! UHF or Super Mario Bros or ooo Star Wars!
Ditto: Get a hold of yourself! We're still behind Natureboy Nader!
Vorp: Not Nader! Quick to the Merlin Machine!
Ditto and Vorpal rush to Merlin (who if you remember was originally employed by the Green Party)
Merlin: Beware of Scorpio and Gemini. Your Lucky Numbers are 13, 26 and 5
Ditto: Hmm, but what does that mean?
Masamune: You sure this will work?
Dodo: Of course... blowing America off the face of the planet then blaming it on Vorpal is sure to get you Presidency!
Masamune: ....I'll do it!
Vorpal: That I have to eat this piece of paper?
Ditto: No...
Vorpal: Whatever. I should take these words into consideration, you think?
[Lightening crashes nearby. Ditto and Vorpal turn around to face none other than the Lady in Red, wearing her usual red ball-gown, rubies sparkling at her earlobes. She waves the umbrella before once again closing it.]
Lady in Red: Just needed to power up. I was a bit startled to learn that you left without me...
Vorpal: Well, after Masa came we figured that we needed to go over our..um... strategies.
Ditto: Precisely.
Lady in Red: Aren't you going to fill me in?
Vorpal: If it goes against your ethics, will you still be interested?
Ditto smacks Vorpal and then turns with a forced smile to the Lady in Red.
Ditto: Don't mind him. I will be more than delighted to fill you in. But now, the movie awaits.
Vorpal: But Ditto--
Meanwhile...
Clintin': That done it Al... we're in trouble for sure this time...
Gore: We didn't know that a new party was going to come up out of nowhere!
Pukecannon: Isn't that against the rules?
Clintin': I don't think we're playing with rules. How do you expect to win the presidency if you keep on-a messin' up?
Gore: The boss-lady won't like this...
The door swings open, billowing out white smoke, the kind that appears in the air on a cold, winter's day.
Pukecannon: Chillsea's sure been practicing...
Chillsea: Father, I must warn you that Mom isn't the least bit pleased.
Gore: We tried the best we could, we gave you all of that knowledge on Vorpal-
Chillsea: We don't have enough on his running mate, that Ditto character, or that weirdo-lady who hangs around with them. You're supposed to be my spies.
Clintin': Chillsea darlin', they're doing to best they could.
Chillsea: I understand Daddy. But I can't condone any of your incompetence to Mother anymore than you can yourself. And when she comes in here everything will freeze over, so I think you ought to get yourselves some coats.
Masamune: *pouts* If I wasn’t so strong I would destroy America myself but I might destroy the world on accident...
Dodo: Exactly, so we must use the machine!
Masamune: Can’t I just destroy a little country... like Alaska?
Dodo: Alaska is part of America and not a country. And no! You cant be the ruler of the America if you blow the world up on accident!
Masamune: Awww...
Murasame: It's all so perfect! My dear brother shall attempt to takeover, and when I deflect the puny blast with a strand of hair, then I shall become the world hero and then they'll make me leader!
???: Yesss Master... it iss perfect! With thisss kind of sssupport we are sssure to win! Everyone lovesss a hero!
Murasame: Exactly...
Old Man: That's all good and well, but don’t fail me Murasame! If Vorpal, Masa or that Gore fella win...
Murasame: No problem, they’re walking right into our trap!
Dubya.: Hehe! And I'll be fake President!
Old Man: *wacks Dubya* Quiet, were having an adult conversation here!
Vorpal: This is all so confusing!
Ditto: What?
Vorpal: This Kikki's Delivery Service, I've watched 3 times already and I still don't understand it!
Ditto: How can someone not understand such a masterpiece?
Vorpal: I say we watch Mortal Kombat or maybe Street Fighter or even the Pokémon Movie, just not this again!!!!!!!
Ditto: Chill out.
Vorpal: I'm hungry. You got anymore Subway cards?
Ditto: heh heh, umm no.
Vorpal: WHAT!?!?!?!
Ditto: Well. i was a little hungry and I . . .
Vorpal: We had at least 75 yesterday!
Ditto: Okay so maybe I was a little more than a little hungry.
Vorpal: That's great. Where are we going to get the money to eat?
Ditto and the Lady in Red: The Social Security Lock Box!
Vorpal: Of course! All we have to do is sneak into the White House and get into Algore's Lock box. But how?
Sgt. Flutter: Here and accounted for, sir!
Vorpal: All right! Let's start plannin'!
Narrator: Out in Alaska, All covered with snows there appeared a Bush-ler, Whom everyone knows.
And he planned to build a derrick To pump up the oil While darkening the sky And polluting the soil.
Narrator: Suddenly, out of a nearby stump, a figure appears. With a long, sallow cheek, And long, pointy ears. He's shortish, and brownish, and oldish, and mossy, and speaks in a voice, that's sharpish and bossy.
Figure: "Mister!" cried he, with a sawdusty sneeze, I am Ralph Nader, I speak for the trees!"
Dubya: *smacks himself in forehead* Oh no. Not him again.
Dubya: "Look you" he cried, " I'm trying to drill! This is my big chance, To score a cool mil!
Besides" he added, "This will do us all good! I promise it'll help us more than that OPEC would! I'll start when I'm elected, that's why I'll defend it, I say because we shouldn't be Middle-Eastern Dependent!"
Nader: "I am the Nader! I speak for the trees! Please stop your drilling, young man if you please!"
Dubya: "Your argument has no credence, In lands such as these, For if you look all about you, You'll see there aren't any trees!"
Vorpal leans out the window of Doki Doki Panik HQ and yells down to the dormant Masamune.
Vorpal: Hey, Masa!
Masamune: What do you want?
Vorpal: What was your political party? And animal?
Masamune: Oh umm... Birdocrats! And our animal is... the… the Falcon!
Dodo: Wow, so ironic....
Masamune: I make up as I go, better than elephants and donkeys...
Vorpal: Hmm that was quite an adventure we had, sneaking into the White House.
Ditto: Too, bad no one out there gets to hear about it.
Vorpal: Stupid November Election!!!
Lady in Red: Oh snap! The elections are right around the corner!
Vorpal: No kidding.
Ditto: This is serious.
Vorpal: I think it's time to activate your new idea, Ditto.
Lady in Red: As much as I am against going against the sake of the law and all that, well, it doesn't seem we have much choice...
elsewhere...
Clintin': Boys, our situation is about to get worse.
Gore: How could it possibly get worse?
Pukecannon: You had to ask?
Clintin': Well.. Chelsea said that...
Gore: What?
Clintin': Well, let's just say that we're going to get more pressure.
Voice: Al! I've had enough of your incompetence!
Clintin': You see... Hillary's off to New York, and she left us with another replacement...
Gore: Oh NO!
Clintin': Yep... Tipper.
Pukecannon: Your wife can't be that bad, Al.
Gore: That's not the point! If she gets involved... I'm toast...
Tipper: Al, I think you are going a poor job of getting the presidency. Didn't Bill teach you anything? *Pauses* Then again, he is Bill...
Clintin': Hey!
Gore: Dear... now is not the time... elections next week you know.
Pukecannon: I guess we can kiss this presidency goodbye.
CHAPTER 23: THE SECRET OF ALGORE
Clintin': Well, since Hellary's off in New York, and God knows where Chillsea snuck off too, I need someone to do the thinking around here.
Narrator: Clintin' pushes a secret button on his desk. A secret door opens behind a picture of Washington, and he, Pukecannon, Algore, and Tipper walk in and descend into what appears to be a secret laboratory. Lined against the walls are various headless robotic bodies, dressed in suits.
Tipper: As you know, I'm the one who's been orchestrating my husband's efforts to "reinvent" himself. Literally.
Narrator: Suddenly, Tipper reaches underneath Algore's tie and presses a hidden switch. Suddenly, his head disconnects itself from his body, and scrambles down onto a workbench on little mechanical legs.
Pukecannon: *horrified* Oh my GOD! He's a ROBOT?!?
Clintin': *chuckling* Surprised?
Pukecannon: *thinks for a moment* ...No, not really, actually.
Tipper: You see, I met him years ago at Harvard. Like most Harvard students, his father had used his wealth and influence to get him in, even though he was an unpromising, dull, C-Average hippie. Oddly enough, I fell in love with him. Then he went to Vietnam. What no one knows is that, while there, his helicopter was shot down over the Journalist Base Tennis Court, and he was horribly mangled. I had secretly studied bionics at Harvard, and used my skill to rebuild him. I made him stiffer; blander. I rebuilt him into the humorless, unemotional calculator he is today... *looks at him and sighs lovingly*
Clintin': Naturally, having dodged the draft while at Harvard myself, I heard about this project. I decided he would be the perfect person to offset my complete managerial incompetence and total lack of professionalism and help me become President.
Algore's Head: Well, me and Hellary.
Clintin': Yeah, well... *shrugs* Anyway, what did you have in mind Tipper?
Tipper: Well, the past "reinventing" efforts proved to be enormously successful. I created several different versions of my husband to meet the public's varying tastes...
"Natural" Algore... *indicates a robot body wearing an Earth-Tone suit and Boots, with a flower on it*
"Tough" Algore... *Indicates a body wearing a white shirt and tie, showing off a muscular build. Algore's head scurries onto its shoulders and it immediately drops and starts doing pushups*
"Sensitive" Algore... *wears flashy clothing. The head jumps off the other body and jumps into this one. Quickly, it sweeps Tipper off her feet and embraces her in a passionate kiss*
...Oooh! Down, Al! And, most recently, "Rolling Stone" Algore! *indicates a body wearing a white T-shirt, denim pants, and an unbuttoned jacket. The head jumps onto it and it quickly begins playing guitar*
Clintin': Of course. But what's left?
*Tipper rips a white sheet off to reveal a 12-foot tall shining metallic body wearing a white shirt and tie, wile also equipped with lasers, missiles, guns, and sawblades*
Tipper: ..."Super-Saiyan Death-Bot Al!" We think he will allow us to finally destroy those meddling Doki Doki Panikers while simultaneously attracting the coveted "15-25 Year-Old Loser" demographic!
Narrator: Algore's head crawls up and situates itself atop the fearsome body. He puts on sunglasses.
Clintin': Excellent.
--Later, at the Motel 8, Ditto and Vorpal sit in their room, watching "Star Wars"...--
Vorpal: Well, now good buddy, we play the waiting game. It just don't get no better n' this.
*suddenly, there is a huge noise coming from outside...*
Vorpal: Go see who that is, would you?
Ditto: Sure, fine. *goes to the door, but hesitates* Hey, Vorpal, you wanna know somethin?
Vorpal: What?
Ditto: Darth Vader turns out to be his father.
Vorpal: Yeah, right. *stares at screen. A few minutes later...* D'oh!
Ditto: *staring out the blinds* Uh-oh. Vorp, we got company...
Narrator: Ditto opens the blinds, and we see Deathbot Al approaching. Vorpal jumps over to another window and peeks out.
Vorpal: Over here too...
*Opens the shutters to reveal Dubya, Shrub, and Masamune approaching from the other side*
Ditto: Hey! Wait a minute! Where's the Lady In Red?
Vorpal: I don't know! Looks like we're on our own here!
Masamune, in his own room suddenly perks up.
Dodo: You sense some evil force you must stop?
Masamune: Nope, I'm hungry *goes up to get a drink but hears noise downstairs* You be Quiet down there, Vorpal, or I'll tell the Press you had Nose Hair Surgery!
Dodo: Why don’t we already?
Masamune: I'm too lazy... Hey, isn't that Murasame, Dubya and Shrub down there?
Dodo: It is sir, but why is Murasame sneaking around with them. I thought he decided to work on a different Forum.
Masamune: Hmmm.... Let's INVESTIGATE!!!!
Dodo: Oh boy, the election will be held soon. We can't risk anymore mistakes.
Masamune: When's the last time I made a mistake.... *thinks* Don't answer that one! If I'm not back in twenty Minutes... Bring in bird gang.
*Masamune jumps down behind Murasame who is in the alley with Dubya and Shrub*
Narrator: Will Murasame, Dubya, Shrub and all the others do their plans successfully?
Everyone: SHHHHH!!!
Narrator: *small voice* Stay Tuned....
The three of them stalk towards the building. The tall one wearing green overalls, the shorter one wearing noticeable cowboy attire, boots and spurs, a deputy star on his shirt, a lasso at his side. The other a mystery still.
Dubya: Shrub, do you know the reason why we're sneaking off to the Motel 8 with this character?
Shrub: Uh, nope.
The younger brother's words were usually regarded with pride and respect..
Dubya: Good, neither do I.
See, he understands.
Shrub: Besides being forced into this presidency thing due to dad's wishes, what are your final thoughts on this matter?
Dubya: Final?
Though it is obvious that some things may go over his head. Cries of fuzzy math pierce the air, but only in their minds. It's true. They haven’t lost yet, but it seems almost inevitable now..
Shrub: Ya know. We once held the popular vote but it's been taken by a bunch of youngsters who don't know much 'bout what they're doing. I know Dad's pretty upset 'bout that but the truth being there's not much we can do.
Dubya: Isn't that why we're here?
He who knows no answer still. His mind shrunken by the words of his father and betters. His dear mother still cries every night. 'I taught him the alphabet! I could have taught them all! I taught him how to count! Where has that all gone?' Here in Texas we say, "fuzzy math"
Shrub: I guess so.
says the younger brother in response to his elder brothers obvious incompetence. The Bush name is no longer sacred, or is it?
Murasame: Will you two shut up? We're initiating the first step...
Dubya: Which is?
Murasame: Well, we figure the best way to rid ourselves of the competition is to use your motto, George!
Dubya: Eh?
Murasame: I was under the impression you were smarter than this [mutter] Execute them, my dear chap! I'm sure the old man would approve.
Shrub: Now just a minute! You can't use my brother’s sayings against him here!
A high pitched nasal voice cries out, "It's me Ralph Nader! I speak for the trees!" but likewise it is drowned out by a new arrival..
Masamune: [Appearing behind them] Uh, heh.. BOO!
Dodo: *nervous* Do you think that was wise, master?
Ditto: Well, it would appear that our rivals for the Presidency have assembled, the night before the election, in one final, desperate attempt to remove us from the race...
Vorpal: I couldn't sleep anyway. *draws sword* ...Let's rock.
Ditto: Vorpal, you have a sword, you parry Masamune and Murasame... And get rid of the Super Bushio Bros. while you’re at it.
*looks in the distance* ...Leave Mr. Potato Head to me...
~~But meanwhile... what has happened to the Lady In Red...?~~
The snow falls over New York City... A few transients huddle beneath the scant warmth of the newsman's wares. A few cars sail carefully across the ice-slickened roads. The entire city shudders from the cold chill, which whips over the structures...
...A cold which is uniquely suited to the target of the Crimson-Clad Heroine's search...
High in the sky, a form, floating on a self-made updraft of warmth swoops high over the rooftops like a Valkyrie Version of Mary Poppins... She stiffens as the image of a tall, dark building is reflected in the lens of her ornate Scarlet Mask.
Unseen by the many good and not-so-good people of the city below, she begins a slow descent, to finally enter the lair of her long-time quarry. The principal reason she had for joining forces with the Doki Doki Panikers. She gritted her teeth in anticipation of confronting the foe who had not only masterminded the campaign against her friends, but was also attempting, at this last moment of all, to seize control over the country by taking over the Lady In Red's home state...
~Sitting in her top-floor office a few hours before delivering a speech in her run for Senator, Hellary plans yet another devious plot...~
Hellary: Go, my pretties! Lazsio is on his way to the debate! Find him and weaken him, wear him down, so he will barely be able to hold his head up during the debate!
*A bunch of wild, screeching shadows fly out the window to carry out her orders. It is late, and Hellary is alone... she thinks. A curtain rustles, and suddenly, she is face-to-face with...*
Hellary: ...The Lady In Red...
Lady in Red: Hm. Dispatching your wretched lackeys? What were they? Flying monkeys?
Hellary: Hm hm hm ha ha ha... Close. Winged bureaucrats. You look cold. Not used to the unseasonal weather?
Lady in Red: You know very well that the cause of this chill is you.
Hellary: Hm. I guess I have that effect on people. Soon, when I gain control of the most economically crucial state in the Union, my presence will infiltrate lives all over the country. Hm hm hm ha ha ha...
Lady In Red: It'll never happen, Ice Queen. I'm here to see to that...
Hellary: You've been going out of your way to thwart my efforts since the beginning. You've even assisted those hopeless Doki Panikers to keep my pawns out of office. What's your stake? What interest have you in these things?
Lady in Red: Just call me... a concerned citizen.
Hellary: Concerned...? Well, I always like to know who my constituents are... Now, to find out once and for all... who you are underneath that mask!
*Suddenly, Hellary blows a sharp arctic wind across the room. The Lady in Red is blown against the wall. Her mask is blown off her face, to reveal Sapphire. She puts up her parasol to protect herself from the wind, but Hellary sees her face*
Hellary: Just a... little girl? Some young punk political activist?! I'll have you know I was burning my unmentionables long before you were coughing up milk! Now, come here, and I'll turn you over to Juvie!
Sapphire: You stay away from me you... witch! *Saph grabs a nearby janitor's bucket with her umbrella and flings it at Hellary. It hits her full in the face, soaking her thoroughly. She screeches and covers her face, but it is too late. Her makeup begins to run...*
Hellary: *screeech!* I'm melting! MEEEELTING! Look what you've done, you wretch! It took me hours to get like this! Oh, what a world, what a world... *her true, ugly face shows beneath the makeup. Her chances of making a good showing are now lying in a puddle in the floor*
Hellary: Noooo...
*In a blink, Saph reaches down and replaces her mask. She then opens her umbrella, and catches an updraft out the window...*
-Meanwhile... Ditto prepares for Gorebot 2000*
Vorpal: Ditto, how can you face him? Guisseppie isn't here. Haven't you been in your human form all this time?
Ditto: Nope! I've been in politician form!
Vorpal: Oh, well... Give 'em Hades... partner.
Ditto: Don't worry about me... No one... But no one... Not even some self-reinventing chameleon private-school snot... can out-change this shape-changer!
*punches Guisseppie and turns into a Gundam Wing Mech. The two begin firing missiles at one another.*
Ditto: ...Hmmm... he's so well-built. Almost Japanese, in quality. How can I beat him?
*thinks back to everything he's read about Algore up to this point*
Ditto: What's been his weakness? Hmmm... keeping his facts straight... Let's see, what's been his most vulnerable spot...?
*remembers the story Algore once told about hearing his mother sing "Just Look For the Union Label" when he was an infant... a song that didn't come out until 20 years later. Suddenly, it hits him...*
Ditto: Wait! That was in... the 60s! That song must have been playing... when he was on the workbench! That's it!
*flies around to the back of Algore*
Ditto: Let's see... *sees an insignia on the back of Algore's head. It says, *Inspected By Union 13* ...THERE IT IS! THE UNION LABEL! And one thing you can always count on about American Workmanship...!
*Ditto fires a single missile at the Plate. A huge explosion rips from the metallic body. Algore's head goes flying, and lands, smoking, in Tipper's awed hands*
Ditto: ...Thank God for low Standards of American Workmanship...! *gives thumbs up*
Masamune: AIGH! This is it... now is the time to show what the Birdocrats are really made of! Our enemies are no longer the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panic Team!
Dodo: ‘Tis not?
Masamune: No, for it is AlGore and Dubya the true evil ones! (besides, we can rule the world in our own unique fashion without running for president)
Dodo: I see! I shall call in backup! Birdo, Albatoss, Ostro, Goonie, Tweeter, Dactyl, Raven, all of you. Here now!
~ Several birds appear and land on the ground ~
Narrator: Both Murasame and Vorpal look over at the birds.
Masamune: *grins at Murasame* Remember 'The Birds'?
Murasame: Aieee! Scary Movie, Birds 2 was scary!
Masamune: Ever wondered what happened in Birds 3? Let’s find out! BIRDS! 'Delta Ultra Ultra Maximum Hoky Hoky Fear' attack!
Ditto: Don't tell me this is a 'dub' too...
Vorpal: Oh no. This is purely American. Isn't it obvious?
Ditto: *rolls eyes*
~ Dodo and his companions begin to attack Murasame and send him away ~
Vorpal: *jaw drops* You.. helped us?
Masamune: Yeah, yeah. Don't go thinking were friends or anything. I still have a score to settle with you!
Dubya: *claps* Very nice, unfortunately it's too late... Go Cheney!
[Clasp!]
Dubya: Gwah! What happened?
Tipper: Cheney is in the lockbox...! *giggles insanely* Mm hm hm ha ha ha! (Saturday Night Live Political Edition reference...) The place where all rival Pokemon Vice-presidents go... safe in the lockbox...
Dubya: The lock box!?!?! That's downright sinsterful!
Tipper: Sinisterful is not a word!
Vorpal: . . . Okay, so I guess that since it's all over, we just wait.
Ditto: I guess.
Narrator from Rocky and Bullwinkle Cartoon: Will Vorpal and Ditto win? Find out next time on . . . Misfits in the White House OR Down in the Dumps!
A black screen soon appears. John Madden and some other football announcer named Ted.
Ted: So John, what did you think of Vorpal's first big post in the Ongoing Storyboard?
John: I think it went well. It was iffy in the middle, but Ditto really pulled it together.
Ted: A robotic Al Gore? What'd you think of that?
John: A little unbelievable, but I think it worked out.
Ted: And what did you think about that 'Lady in Red'?
John: I was shocked when we learned it was...uh, the girl with the jewel name.
Ted: What about Masamune and the Birdocrats?
John: I didn't get that at all. As I think about it, this whole post was a complete joke! It doesn't make a lick of sense!
Ted: It's okay John, remember your blood pressure.
In the front Lobby of Motel 6, everyone is watching TVs.
Ditto: YES! Go Gore! Go Gore! Go Gore!
*Everyone looks at him like he's crazy*
Ditto: Oops. Sorry. I've been watching the "Real World" returns! *Turns to a fictional channel*
Vorpal: Hmmm... Let's see the results... I'm winning the popular vote, but I'm surprised by the electoral one.
Lady in Red: Are you losing?
Vorpal: Heck no. It's just tighter than I thought it would be.
Sgt. Flutter: Hey! They're showing the results of the Exit Polls!
That Delightful Peter Jennings: ...Okay, Election 2000 is underway. We've been polling people about how they voted and why. You, sir, what do you think?
Man: Well, I voted ‘fer that guy with the sword name.
TDPJ: Uhhh... Vorpal?
Man: No, the guy with the sword name.
Vorpal: *Yelling at the screen* Vorpal is a sword name. Read "Jabberwocky" for crying out loud! Doesn't Lewis Carroll ring a bell?
TDPJ: You mean... Masamune? But... he killed thousands of people.
Man: Yeah, including my mother-in-law.
TDPJ: *sweat* Uh... OK. Th-there you have it...
Ditto: That's okay Vorpal. You're still carrying... lessee... Alaska and Hawaii.
Vorpal: Oh, great. The freak states.
Ditto: Well, according to the popularity vote, you got 100% in... Florida and New York.
Vorpal: What about Missouri?!
Sgt. Flutter: *eating a sandwich* Maybe they remember you.
Vorpal: *angry*
Delightful Peter Jennings (on TV): Now, we join George W. Bush, his wife Laura, and George and Barbara as they watch the elections. Former President Bush, what do you think is the leading cause of your son's poor showing in this election?
Old Man: I'd say a mix of complex economic and social factors.
Jennings: ...And you, Mrs. Bush?
Barbara: ...Ditto.
Jennings: ...And there you have it. This is the Delightful Peter Jennings, signing off.
~ At Motel 6 ~
Ditto: *jaw drops* How did she know?!?
Masamune: *jaw drops* Whoa! I'm in lead in polls! DANGIT!
*clicks button and his face appears on TV nation wide*
Masamune: Stop voting for me! I dropped out, if I win I will destroy America!
Dodo: Your polls increased...
Masamune: I'll raise taxes and gas prices!!!
Dodo: Higher...
Masamune: I'm a darn nice guy, love me!
Dodo: Your votes reached an all-time low!
Masamune: Whew! What a relief, I never wanted to rule a Country anyway!
*Ditto pokes his head out of a large box marked "BALLOT BOX." little crumpled up pieces of paper lay in piles all around*
Ditto: What? ME? How could you-- oops. *takes off his black mask*
Ditto: I'm... helping them count. *crawls back in*
Ditto: *from within* Hmmm... Gore. Hmmm... Gore... Hmmm. Bush. *crumpling noise*
*Another balled-up wad comes flying out*
Ditto: *pokes head out and yells off to one side* Okay guys! I found another "lost" ballot box back here! *crawls back in*
Ditto: Hmmm... Gore... Vorpal... Vorpal... Di--? ME?!
Lady in Red: *Blink* What in the world--?
*TV shows a triumphant Hellary giving a speech*
Ditto: *jaw drop* I guess you didn't melt her enough....
Lady in Red: *Sigh* Oh, and one thing. *Takes off her mask*
Vorpal: *jaw drop* Sapphire?!
Sapphire: *shrug* Hellary already saw me, so figured that you would eventually find out... *replaces the mask*
Ditto: Actually--
Vorpal: SHHH!
Flutter: Go Nader. Errr... I mean Bush!
Ditto: You do know Gore is going to win.
Lady in Red: He knows, just doesn't want to admit it.
Vorpal: *Very mad* C'mon guys!
Ditto: Watching “Real World” returns...
Vorpal: Oh.
Flutter: But my sky troopas over sea haven't voted yet. There are about a billion of them and they are on the side of Bush... *pause* I mean, Vorpal of course...
Over seas...
SkyTroopa 1: Whom should we vote for?
SkyTroopa 2: The one who Sarge wants to win.
SkyTroopa 3: Which is that?
SkyTroopa 4: I think it is Nader.
SkyTroopa 1-1,000,000,000: Ok. *Marks Nader*
February 15, 2001...
Flutter: Stupid Sky-Troopas. Turning America communist. Government making us wear this stupid uniform. Making us go to war with everybody.
THE FINAL COUNT...
That delightful Peter Jennings: Well, it all comes down to Florida. What an amazing race it's been. Here's how the count currently stands. Dubya: 32.3% Algore: 32.3% Vorpal: 32.3% Pukecannon: 0% Nader: 3% And the Nader said nothing Just gave a sad, sad backward glance, As he lifted himself, by the seat of his pants. And I'll ne'er forget, ‘twas in the darkest of moods, As he hoisted himself, back into the woods. And where the Nader last stood, was one word, UNLESS we'll never know what it means, I guess.
Flutter: It MEANS we'll never get to hear the UNLESS you shut up!
Tom Bodett: Oops. Sorry.
That Delightful Peter Jennings: ...Only one more ballot box has yet to be counted. Oddly enough, officials say there is no sign of it.
Ditto: No sign...?
Vorpal: Where is it...?
*Suddenly, a door is kicked open. Someone familiar to EVERYONE steps into the room. Gone, however, are his familiar suits. Instead, he wears blue jeans and a wife-beater. In his hand is a Big Mac*
Vorpal: Clintin'!!!
Clintin': Relax! I'm not here as an enemy. The last box was stolen, and I know by whom.
Vorpal: W-who?
--In the car, the lights pass over the face of... Pukecannon!--
Pukecannon: HAHHAAA! Ultimate power is mine! I will sell this to the highest bidder, and next election, I will have enough moolah to run my OWN campaign! Mwhahaha!
Man: *pulling up to him* Hey, either speed up or get out of the passin' lane, pops.
--
Clintin': We gotta stop him.
Vorpal: But... isn't he your crony?
Clintin': Not anymore. He's gone plum crazy. We gotta get him, and I have just the thing.
*They step out and see a school bus by the curb*
Clintin': I've had 'er in the garage since the election, when I used to tour in it. Hop in.
*They do. Clintin' hops into the driver's seat and shuts the doors. They pull out.*
Lady In Red: But, why should we trust you?
Clintin': Look, I've always been under Hillary’s control. But, since you defeated her, little missy, I've been freed. Y'see... I was just a poor farm-boy in Little Rock, Arkansas. One day, I was ridin' a load of turnips into Cambridge, Massachusetts. I fell off, and stumbled into Harvard. Hillary found me. She saw I had the ability to charm people. She asked me if I ever wanted to be someone, and I jumped like a trout upstream. I became her willing slave. She got me through Harvard, Yale, and Oxford, and ever since she's used me as her tool to gain power, and to have Chelsea. But now, my two terms are over, and my image is manure. I'm of no use to her now. The spells broken, and I'm free of her control, thanks to you, li'l missy.
Lady in Red: You're welcome.
Vorpal: Hey! Look up ahead! It's Pukecannon!
Ditto: Where?
Vorpal: In the passing lane, going 28 mph with his left-blinker on.
Flutter: He's right! There he is!
Ditto: *grabbing the binoculars* Hmmm... Ha! Hahaha!
Vorpal: What is it?
Ditto: He won't get far.
Vorpal: What do you mean?
Ditto: Look there. *Hands him the binos and points*
Vorpal: Whe- Oh my God... *passes the binos* His tires...
Lady In Red: They're...
Ditto: *Big grin* Firestone!
Vorpal: He's dead.
Pukecannon: Hahaha! There's the state border! I'm home free... And it's all thanks to...
*Suddenly the car goes up in a ball of flames. Pukecannon goes flying into the horizon. The ballots go flying off the road*
Pukecannon: *flying away* Looks like Team Reform's blasting off agaiiiin! *ding*
*The bus pulls over. Everyone gets out to retrieve the last ballots on Earth. Reporters gather around to cover the opening of this last ballot box.*
Ditto: *Looking inside* Wow! There are TONS in here!
Peter Jennings: Here we are, live, at what will be the dramatic climax of the most turbulent election in over a century. Here now, we will show you, live, the FINAL count, to see who will be the next President.
Vorpal: Hey! It's the Delightful Peter Jennings! Hi! I'm your biggest fan!
Peter Jennings: How do you know that?
Flutter: He must be. Trust us.
Clintin': Hey! Look! A whole buncha flyin' turtles! They're bringin the overseas ballots to us!
Lady in Red: So, what's the final count, Ditto?
Ditto: It's... it's...
--Governor's Mansion--
Dubya: YES?
--White House--
AlGore: YES?
--Every household in America--
Everyone: Yes?
--Texas--
Perot: No. I mean yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.
Ditto: It's...
--suddenly, the film breaks--
*In the sound booth*
Vorpal: Oopsie.
Lady In Red: Looks like, due to technical difficulties *holds the shears behind her back* The endings been cut.
Ditto: Stay tuned for "Doki Panik 2: The Vorpal Administration!"
*If you are listening to the Midi from the top, I suggest you skip the credits for now and read the "Final Scene" near the End of the Post. It's designed to go well with the very end of "One Winged Angel"*
--CREDITS--
(Now, those of you who finished FF3, you may remember the ending involved playing each character's "Theme." Well, I went to a lot of trouble to find "Themes" for important elements to the story. Punch in the following web addresses to either bring up the Midi file, or go to the web page. I think you'll find most appropriate and entertaining. Relax. Listen. Enjoy. Reflect.)
"Hail to the Chief" - Presidential Theme (www.divtune.com/s/hailtoch_.mid)
"Almost Unreal" - "Vorpal's Theme" (If you don't see how it relates to him, think about where you might have heard it... I'm sure HE'LL recognize it) (http://midi.roxette.org/au1.mid)
"A Town Where You Can See the Ocean" - "Ditto McCloaker's Theme" (If you can't guess where it's from, I ain't gonna tell .) (www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bay/6800/kiki/music/kiki.mid)
"Lady In Red" - "Sapphire's Theme" (It's a web page I just happened to stumble over. Enjoy) (http://members.nbci.com/WebMistris/ladyinred.html)
"If I Only" - "Dubya, Algore, and Nader Theme" (The perfect songs for Dubya, Algore, and Nader, in that order! It's a web page! Enjoy!) (www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/6396/ifionly.htm)
"Wild Blue Yonder (Military Song)" - "Flutter's Theme" (hope you like it, Sarge!) (http://http://members.tripod.com/~Son_Struck/pmmf/wildblueyonder.mid)
"Dodo" - "Masamune's Theme" (You'll recognize it, I'm sure, Masa!) (www.rpgmidi.com/midi/mrpg/mrpgdodo.mid)
And last but not least... "Theme for our loyal "Merlin-the-Magic-Seer Machine" - "Thank You Very Much, Mr. Roboto" {http://home.klis.com/~bertrob/80stop/roboto.html)
"Ending Theme" (http://rivendell.fortunecity.com/vampire/452/rpgmidis/ending.mid) Hope you like 'em.
--And Now...--
Dear Love, I fear that things are not going well over here in the States. It looks like my family has fallen out of favor.
*Across the ocean, a private jet lands on a foggy airfield. The carpet rolls out, and a person emerges, flanked by guards...*
I can no longer tolerate them, so I am coming to you, my darling. Together, we shall succeed where my foolish parents failed.
*A bunch of guards wearing bushy helmets open a large gate and escort a young lady up to a large Palace*
An imbecilic, unfaithful, reviled father... A martyred yet controversial mother... Born into families of wealth and influence, given the best education and preparation...
Spending our childhood’s hiding from the public eye... Both bent on world domination... I feel that, with so much in common, that we are the perfect pair...
*Sitting in a chair in an impressive Palace room, a shadowy figure looks up from a letter and flips his blonde hair. He is surrounded by icy fog. A fog that emanates from him*
Love, Chillsea
*Another cold mist enters the room as a pair of British guards’ escort in Chillsea*
Boy: Ah, you've arrived, my darling.
Chillsea: I've waited so long to see you again, my Dark Prince of Evil.
Boy: No need for the formalities, my dearest. To you, I am merely...
*he rises from his throne. A fog rolls off his shoulders and emanates from him*
Dark Prince: ...William.
*The two purely evil offspring embrace. His fog and her chill combine, and instantly the room is plunged into a grim, icy gloom*
Chillsea: So gloomy and cold in here...
Dark Prince: ...We're perfect together!
Chillsea: ...And soon, the world will tremble at our feet!
Dark Prince: Mwa ha-ha-ha-ha...!
Chillsea: Hm hm hm ha ha ha...!
--In the White House--
Hellary: *eyes popping* Where is Chelsea? *sees a note tacked to the seat. She snatches it up and begins reading* BIIIIILLLL!
--At McDonald's--
*A tall figure behind a cash register turns to address a customer*
Clintin': Would you like fries with that?
*Turns to the camera, smiles, and winks*
*The evil laughter of Chillsea and the Dark Prince echo through the darkness*
*A bunch of people crowd into a meeting hall and sit down. A tall, mustachioed man in green overalls stands up and addresses the crowd...*
Luigi: Today, Luigi-Anon has a new member with us today. He, too, struggles with an addiction: He helps his older brother gain national fame and then toils under his shadow. Sir, will you please rise and introduce yourself?
*Shrub, wearing green overalls and cap, stands up*
Shrub: Hello. My name is Jeb Bush... and I'm a closet Luigi. *Breaks down and cries*
*The crowd applauds*
*Roger Clinton (Bill's brother) rises*
Roger: ...We feel your pain.
*They hug*
...THE END
-Hours later-
Sgt. Flutter: *steps in on everyone sitting in confetti with bottles of Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke on the floor* Did we win?
| Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik |
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