The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA Chapter 7

Chapters in The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Chapter Seven: Saget Unleashed

Author: Lupine

The remaining members of the crew stare at the new horde of enemies to fight. The monkey runs at eLFa and Skanky, the pigeon goes after Wally and Salama, the turtle goes after Mini-Myself and Dave Coulier tries his luck with Patten and Lupine.

Lupine: Don't worry, Patten! I got this covered! I'll use my summoning skillz to bring forth the only force that equals the power of Dave Coulier.....the Olsen twins!

Patten: You do know that....

Lupine: Enough talk! ::summonz the Olsens only to have them go and hug Dave::

Olsens: Aww Dave, how have you been?

Dave: Pretty good, except for the fact that the day Full House ended I was trapped in this skull by some enchanted jerky that was on the set.

Patten: As I was saying, Dave Coulier and the Olsens are very good friends!

Lupine: Awww cra----:: is cut off by the Olsen twins double energy outburst::

Meanwhile, the monkey is throwing fieces at Skanky and eLFa as they hide behind a random table that was left there through some sort of plot hole, trying to come up with a way to escape this fate.

Skanky: Yeah and mushrooms and send it to the evil complex at 666 Happy Bunny Avenue.

eLFa: And get me a coke!

Skanky: And a coke. :: closes cell phone:: Okay, so how are we going to beat this monkey?

eLFa: Well I could use my guitar as some sort of musical instrument and get the monkey to dance while you flash him.

Skanky: I don't know if it will work on a monkey.

eLFa: Why not? He's close enough to human, and if it works on Bush why shouldn't it work on him?

Skanky: ......Good point.

eLFa jumps from behind the table and starts to play some songs only to get feces flung in her face, and Skanky jumps before eLFa can warn her and flashes the monkey, only to be hit by the feces on her bare chest and see that her flash did not weaken or defeat the monkey but caused him to transform into some sort of apeish ape that runs at them and hits them with a banana that he was holding in his fur.

Elsewhere in this battlefield of battles which happen most violently.....

::The Olsens miss Patten and hit Narrator::

Wally: Faster, Salama, faster!

Salama looks at the spam can dangling in front of him: Must go faster!

The pigeon does a dive and knocks Wally off Salama.

Wally: Come get some, you rat with wings! I'm the only urban pest that will survive this encounter.

The pigeon looks at him and dives at him with his mouth open shooting out bread crumbs, which Wally eats.

Wally: That all you got? ::is hit by the pigeon and grabs on:: I guess not!

Mini-Myself: Ahhhhhhhh ::is chased by the turtle that somehow seems taller than him::

Patten, dodging yet another of the Olsens' outbursts and Dave's bad jokes: What are we gonna do now, smart guy? This is your fault!

Lupine pulling out his cell: Shut up! Damn reception ::shocks the phone with some lightning:: Okay, there! ::starts to dial a random number::

Somewhere in Darth Tang's evil complex tour group, a figure picks up his phone.

Figure: What?

Lupine: Get down here now! ::hangs up::

The figure's tour partner, which happens to be Weird Al: What's going on?

Figure: We got work!

The figure appears through a plot hole which he had in his pocket in the battle field and is revealed to be.... John Stamos with Weird Al.

Patten: John Stamos, what are you doing here?

Stamos: Well you see, after I was the reason Full House ended no one wanted to hire me except Saget, so I'm a tour guide here.

The Olsens: Nooooooooooo, not him! Quickly Dave, we must perform fusion!

Dave: Yes!

Everyone and all the animals stare as the three perform the fusion dance.... the macarena. The two old men from the song suddenly appear and start singing, but are stopped by Weird Al's spoof fat.

Stamos: Noooo, stop them! If they fuse into Olsier even I will not be able to stop them alone. And they will release another movie....Full House: Reloaded!

Olsier: Come get some........

Author: That Krazy Dude

Patten: Full House: Reloaded?! What kind of crap is that?

Olsier: Hey, it was either that or the "Passion of Full House".

Patten: Oh God no!

Lupine: We must find some way to stop them!

John Stamos: Let me handle this!

Stamos starts to charge at Olsier like a reckless pretty-boy. Suddenly, the illusion of Saget appears from nowhere.

Saget: Stamos, you must stop this. These men that you have joined sides with are the true enemy.

Stamos: How could this be?

Saget: It just is. It was they who have been trying to kill me. It was they who have caused all this chaos around you. It was they who have stolen all your hair gel and forced you to live inside of a trash can outside of a Pathmark near a highway where you beg for money and scraps of food.

Stamos: Sir, I cannot believe what you are saying!

Saget: Oh really now? *turns to Patten* You, the one who isn't wearing the stupid chef's uniform, reach into your back pocket!

Patten reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a tube of gel.

Patten: Where the hell did this come from?!

Stamos: So you're the one who stole my hair gel! You monsters. You shall learn never to mess with my hair!

Saget: Ahem!!!

Stamos: Oh yeah... and my master Darth Tang!

Stamos runs outside and goes up to a trash can. He reaches inside and pulls out Rebecca romain Stamos.

Rebecca: What do you want now, you bastard?

John Stamos: No time to talk, just follow me inside. This may be our chance to get in good with Master Tang!

Rebecca: We'd better get on his good side soon! I'm tired of living in this trash can. And little children and oversized yellow birds keep coming up to me and calling me a grouch!

John Stamos: Whatever, just come on!

Rebecca Romaine Stamos and John Stamos: (rush into the room) It's time to destroy you damn pirates!

Rebecca Romaine Stamos and John Stamos merge with Olsier to make a monster of the worst evils!!! The monster is no longer the supposedly threatening (but never entered in combat) Olsier. This new demon is...Johnecca Coulson!!!!!!!!!!

*Overly dramatic music plays while Johnecca Coulson poses in an idiotic way.*

Author: GORE-ILLA

Patten: (slaps Lupine)

Lupine: My bad! Hang on, I have the perfect idea! Now to continue dialing randomly until I get their number!

Patten: Hey, what happened to those other two ugly girls?

Johnbecca: Stephanie and BJ? When we all went poor after Full House ended, them and Aunt Becky were the first to be eaten.

***

*Elsewhere, Scruffy is being slapped around by Pink Ninja and his lightning-quick moves.*

Pink Ninja: Ha! Your incompetence is matched only by your sheer ugliness!

Scruffy: That's it! I didn't want to do this, but I'll have to... do this.

*Scruffy puts on his magic warp poncho and uses it to dodge and counter Pink Ninja's skills. Soon Pink Ninja is lying beaten on the ground, but for a different reason.*

Pink Ninja: Damn you! You know I'm allergic to ponchos!

Scruffy: (holds his sword up to the Pink Ninja's neck) This ends now.

Pink Ninja: Fine then. I accept my death honorably.

*However, Scruffy tosses his poncho over the sword, teleporting it into a nearby crater where it stabs Nemo.*

Pink Ninja: W-What?

Scruffy: I have taken a solemn oath never to take another life.

Que Pasa: Cap'n, ye've never taken such an oath!

Stampede: And if so, you haven't been doing a good job of following it!

Scruffy: I haven't? No Name, go get my sword.

Pink Ninja: I can't believe it! You have spared my life. I owe you a life debt now. How shall I repay you?

Scruffy: Simple. You are to sail with the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada in search of adventure, lives and experiance the world the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

Pink Ninja: I shall fulfill your request... Captain.

Jebus: Cap'n! Now that we're done here, we should start our way to the big final battle! Everyone and their mothers will be there!

Que Pasa: Especially yours!

Carlo: (sticks his head out the window of a passing intergalactic bus) WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! (pulls his head back in quickly to narrowly avoid a floating street sign)

***

*Patten and Lupine are corned by Olsier.*

Johnbecca Olsier: Now prepare to meet your respective ends...

*Suddenly, the doors swing open to reveal two figures. Remember Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky's little twin boys from the last seasons of Full House? Well now they've grown up to become disfigured, hunchbacked men. And they want revenge.*

John: Shouldn't have given them the whip so much...

Twins: GRAAAAAAAH!

*The Twins leap forward, landed in front of Johnbecca Olsier. The first twin gives an awesome slap to Oliser that sends Dave Coulier flying out of the body. He slams on the ground, and his body melts into protoplasm.*

Dave Coulier: (squeaky voice) OH WHAT A WORLD!!!

*The second twin gives Johnbecca Olsen a slap, and this time Rebbecca Romijn is sent flying out, where she's hit by another passing intergalactic bus. This one is ridden by an ugly pirate, a bearded cosplayer, a zombie dinosaur, a cheesecake-obssessed Turk, a retarded gnome with a waffle fetish, a biomechanical gorilla, a lady in red and an elf chick with a bow and arrow. The bus of injokes none of you will get then disappeared into a black hole leading to another universe.*

Twins: GRAAAAHHH!!!!

*Now only John Stamos and the Olsen Twins remain standing.*

John: I'm sorry man! I was young and foolish and rich and high on crack! But I've changed! Now I'm only old and foolish and poor and high on crack!

Mary-Kate: We didn't mean to poison your foods or disfigure you on purpose because we feared you'd look cuter then us! I swear!

Ashley: Yeah, me too.

Twins: GRAAAAH!!!

*The Twins tackle John Stamos and the Olsens into a lake of lava, where they all disappear, forever.*

Mini-Myself: I'll miss you, horribly ugly twins...

Patten: That really was a good idea! You meant to call the twins all along?

Lupine: Huh? I was just ordering pizza. Hey, it's here!

Patten: (slaps Lupine)

Monkey: Hey, that fusion thingy was cool! Let's try it out!

*The Monkey and Pigeon do a fusion dance to become a giant monkey with a pigeon's head and pigeon wings coming out of it back, along with a pigeon's legs and talons. They are now a much more horrifing creature, even more terrible then the Griffin- the Pigeape. Pigeape floats there with his arms crossed in an attempt to look cool. Everyone (except Nemo) ducks to the side as it vomits a river of feces that burns a whole through the floor. Wally remembers that he's not really a hero and runs away.*

Pigeape: KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! Prepare to meet your doom now! We are the ultimate in invincible fusions!

Patten: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you match my 1337 hit man skillz!

*Nanoseconds later, Patten is sent flying through the stone wall of the castle and lands roughly outside.*

Pigeape: You look as pathetic as the last, fat boy!

Salama: Oh yeah? Well I eat pigeons like you for breakfast, and monkeys like you for lunch, literally! Then I rap it all up with some possum for dinner! Yum yum!

*The Pigeape simply tosses a possum out the window and watches Salama leap out after it. Outside Patten has just recovered when the possum lands in his hands.*

Patten: Huh? (sees Salama) NO SALAMA NO!!!

*Inside, only Lupine, Siren, Mini-Myself and eLFa remain against the Pigeape. Lupine holds up a pitchfork, and Mini-Myself a wooden plank as they stand in front of Siren and eLfa.*

Lupine: We won't let you hurt the girls, you monster(s)!

Mini-Myself: Yeah, I won't let harm come to anyone whose dressing rooms I shrink down in!

Pigeape: That's pretty noble, but you know how it will end. Save yourself the pain and pretend I've already beaten you.

*Lupine and Mini-Myself drop their weapons, fall on the ground and lay still.*

Siren: (kicks Lupine) We won't be as easily swayed as our comrades.

eLFa: And we won't be your captives like those whiny screaming girls in the monster films!

Pigeape: Prove it.

eLFa: Eat THIS! (tosses her guitar at the Pigeape)

Pigeape: (moves out of the way)

eLFa: Oh.

*The Pigeape swoops down towards them.*

eLFa: Siren, do something! (Siren starts to lift her shirt) Something other than flashing!

Siren: But what else can I do??

*As they argue the Pigeape grabs both of them in each of his talons.*

Pigeape: Now to finish you off and end this needlessly long fight!

Scruffy: Not if any of us have something to say about it!

*Scruffy, Que Pasa, Patten, Pink Ninja and Jebus roll into the room, then pose cooly as they confront the Pigeape.*

*Back at the top of the tower, Bob Saget and Darth Moose watch the battle through a hidden camera.*

Bob Saget: Damn I hate fusions.

Darth Moose: Gotenks?

Author: That Krazy Dude

Pigeape: So it appears I have more enemies. Well, I shall have to take care of you like I did to your other friends. *drops Siren and eLFa into a cage in the randomly placed cage at the corner of the room which was guarded by pigmes.*

Scruffy: You shall regret taking these women hostage and defeating our friends.

Stampede: (lifts rifle) You will never beat us like you did the others.

Pink Ninja: Yeah. We're not cowards like that short person and that chef dude.

No Name: And none of us eat possums!

Que Pasa stands there silently and then raises his hand: I eat possums!

Pigeape: Don't have anymore.

Que Pasa: Awww *sad Wookie noise*

Pigeape: Too bad. But anyway, I'm gunna have to kill you all now!

Scruffy: BRING IT ON!!!!

*Stampede, No Name, Pink Ninja, Que Pasa, and Scruffy do the Ginyu Force pose and momentarily argue over which one's the blue dude, which was the purple one, which was the red transvestite, and which was the little faggoty green dude.*

Pigeape: DIE!!!!!!!!

*The pigeape charges at Que Pasa but is greeted by a cannonball to the face. It then charges at No Name but is flung back by the Force Push. It regains its composure and charges once more at Pink Ninja but runs away once Pink Ninja remakes Michael Jackson out of thin air. It goes for it's next target, Stampede, but is finally brought down once it gets shot square between the eyes*

Scruffy: That's it for you!

Turtle: Hey, what did I miss?

*Scruffy torches the hell out of the turtle.*

Scruffy: You missed your chance to escape.

*Vin Diesel pops out of a hole in the ground with a notepad.*

Vin Diesel: That could be a great line for my next movie, Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Liberache's Cellar. *goes back into hole*

No Name: Now what do we do?

Pink Ninja: We must confront my ex-master and ex-partner in a battle to end all stuff and things like that.

Que Pasa: Then we can go to Taco Bell!

Author: GORE-ILLA

OoC: Here it is... the epic conclusion! Sit down and enjoy! MWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

*Mini-Myself boxes with the pygmes and knocks them out while Stampede and Pink Ninja break Siren and eLfa out of their cages. Scruffy assembles the crew at the center of the lobby.*

Scruffy: Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada! Our destiny awaits! All ashore who's going ashore! This is the last chance to turn back!

*The captain starts up the moon citadel's staircase, and everyone else follows. The second they leave the lobby, the cast of Family Matters enters.*

Reginald ValJohnson (Karl): Surrender now, Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada and spare yourselves a humiliating defeat followed by a horrid death! If you thought those Full House losers were tough, wait till you see... where did they go?

Jaleel White (Urkel): Hm let me check!

*Jaleel White runs towards the staircase, but he trips and knocks over a column which then blocks off the staircase.*

Jaleel White: Did I do that?

Reginald: Go home Steve.

Jaleel White: (morphs into Sonic the Hedgehog and runs away) Gotta slide, clyde!

Reginald: I hate it when he does that.

*The pirates finally reach the top floor- the throne room. But the room is dark and looks deserted.*

Lupine: What's going on here...

*Suddenly, the lights flash on, and confetti streams down while Darths Tang and Moose leap out from the shadows.*

Darth Tang/Moose: SURPRISE!!!!

Scruffy: Aw, how sweet. I never knew...

Darth Tang: Yeah, we went all out in preparing for the last battle. We even have an all-you-can-eat buffet you can chow on while we're kicking your asses.

Que Pasa: Wow, this is awesome! When do the strippers get here?

Darth Tang: Enough idle talk! Darth Moose, kill them all now!

Darth Moose: ...As you wish, my master.

*Darth Moose attacks with unknown fury now that one of his antlers has been clipped. All the sword-wielders leap forward, but they're quickly swatted back by Darth Moose's assault.*

Darth Moose: All too easy.

*Darth Moose checks around to make sure everyone's on the ground after their defeat- but he finds Siren still standing- and lifting up her shirt.*

Siren: It's about time I fight someone who isn't immune to my power!

*Darth Moose stumbles backwards and covers his eyes as he struggles to stay awake. The other pirates take this oppurtunity as they all leap on Moose and beat him until he starts weeping and runs back to Darth Tang.*

Darth Tang: How dare you frighten my apprentice! You know how fragile his emotions are. Now it's time to pay the price! But first you should see the face of your murderer!

*The pirates are about to spring at Tang when the man removes his hood to reveal his Bob Sagety face. Then he laughs as he blasts lightning bolts from his fingertips, zapping each and every member of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada with thousands of watts of ultimate pain.*

Scruffy: Janitor! Help me!

Que Pasa: BabsbsabasbsabasbsGAAAHHHH

Lupine: Why can't you do something, Jebus?!1

Jebus: (unaffected by the rays) I'm on my coffee break!!!

Lupine: Will it end sometime soon?

Jebus: Hm... I think it'll end about the same time as this story!

Lupine: Damn you!

Jebus: I'm the only person who can actually damn people here.

Siren: I can't feel my boobs...

Stampede: (grabs a weapon) (is shocked with more electricity) Right... metal conducts electritcity...

*An army of llama- riding grunts and little boys led by Micheal Jackson enter, only to be blown up instantly.*

Pink Ninja: NO!

Patten McGroin: Haha- (accidentally touches his gun and is jolted with more electricity) I'm sad now.

eLFa: I have a feeling I'm gonna be very low on MP before this is over...

Nemo: Wow, I'm surprised I'm still alive.

Salama: (fights the intense pain as he reaches forward towards a bagel that hangs on the edge of the buffet table) So... close...

Mini-Myself: (simply sits there as even the Force Lightning forgets about his tiny self)

Bob Saget: Ha. Ha. Haha. (ceases the lightning bolts. Everyone sighs in relief) And now, young pirates, you will die. (starts the lightning bolts again stronger then before. Everyone screams in pain)

Scruffy: KRAZY DUDE, PLEASE!!! PLEASE HELP US!!!

*Darth Moose looks from the sadistic Bob Saget to the frying pirates several times dramatically. Finally he picks up Bob Saget and begins carrying him across the room to the long reactor shaft convieniantly located by the room's entrance. But then he accidentally trips over Mini-Myself and drops Saget on the ground.*

Bob Saget: How dare you, you imputent fool! How dare you betray I, the great Saget, devourer of worlds! (snaps his fingers, and Darth Moose's antlers explode)

Darth Moose: No!

Bob Saget: I am not lenient on mutinies. The penalty is death. (tears Darth Moose's cloak off to reveal Krazy Dude's janitor clothes underneath and Force-shoves Krazy Dude to the back wall)

That Krazy Dude: Good thing I decided not to go commando today.

Bob Saget: Oh, and Lord Moose? You're fired. (begins blasting Krazy Dude with Force Lightning)

Krazy Dude: ARF THIS IS MORE PAINFUL THEN WHEN DANCING CHIUAUAS HIJACKED THE MYSTERY MACHINE AND FOUND OUT THAT BRITNEY SPEARS WAS THE BLACK KNIGHT AFTER A BATTLE INVOLVING OSCAR AWARD-WINNING ACTOR ROBERT DENIRO WHO WAS IN SLEEPERS (1996) WITH KEVIN BACON!!! I THINK I JUST VOMITED IN MY MOUTH!!!

*eLFa runs around and heals each of the pirates in turn before collapsing.*

eLFa: Nighty night... (passes out)

Pink Ninja: Oh crap there goes the healer.

Nemo: This is our chance! Let's escape!

Scruffy: The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada only seldomly runs away from battles like cowards. But we can't leave with the menace of Bob Saget still lives and while one of our men is suffering! We must stop them!

Nemo: Hell no, we can't handle this guy. Leave him to Superman or something. And who cares about the janitor? He was gonna kill us. We don't owe him anything.

Scruffy: He's redeemed himself. Listen- he's back to his old self.

Krazy Dude: SORRY BUT PROFESSOR CRANE ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BE- OW MY ARTERIES!!11

Scruffy: As for Bob Saget, I know we could beat him! Never give up! Remember the Titans!

No Name: Indeed. That is a very touching Disney movie and we should remember the lessons it teaches us.

Scruffy: Disney movie? I was talking about the Teen Titans. Now let's go! While he's distracted!

Nemo: I'm not going.

Stampede: I've had enough of this.

*Puffy Ami Yumi music plays in the background as Stampede jabs Nemo in the stomach with a bayonet, then pulls the blade out and kicks Nemo into the reactor shaft. He takes a long tumble and explodes. Everyone cheers.*

Scruffy: Onwards you scalliwags! It's time to end this!

*Bob Saget is so focused on torturing Krazy Dude to death that he seems to have forgotten the other pirates. Just to be safe they keep Siren's shirt up in hopes that even though he isn't looking at them, they still might weaken his senses. It works. All the pirates pounce down on him at the same time. Scruffy is fully on flame. Que Pasa has his best pen. Lupine flies down with his strongest kick. No Name's lightaber is stabbed forward. Stampede begins blasting his guitar gun at Saget at the same that Siren begins slapping him with eLfa's guitar. Patten and Pink Ninja go in close to stab Saget with their assassination tools. Mini-Myself shrinks down on Saget's face and tugs on his nose hairs. Wally leaps in through the window and slashes at Saget repeteadly. Krazy Dude summons enough energy to get up and fling bottles of Lisol at his former master. Jebus sips on his coffee in the corner, and Salama tears the buffet table apart.*

Scruffy: Everyone clear out!

*All the pirates leap off of Saget and leap back to the staircase, knowing what comes next. Saget is barely scathed by the beating but shocked at the same time.*

Scruffy: And now... FIRE BOMB!!!!

*Scruffy puts all his fire energy into one giant flaming ball that drops down on Saget. A massive explosion follows that blows the roof off of the citidel and incinerates the party's clown and magician. The other pirates rush back into the room... and find no sign of the captain or Bob Saget.*

Lupine: No...

Que Pasa: (tears his shirt and bends down on his knees) CAAAAAAAAAAAP'N!!!!

*But little do the pirates know that their Captain Monkeyman Scruffy is alive and well. The explosion had blasted him and Saget's blob-like remains onto a set of moving gears above the random celebrity factory.*

Scruffy: Looks like it's finally over. At long last.

Saget: Oh I think not.

*The blob begins moving, and part of it forms into Bob Saget's head. A tentacle shoots out from his body towards Scruffy, but the captain dodges just barely.*

Bob Saget: Certainly you did not think that victory was so simple to obtain! I am Bob Saget! Future ruler of this universe! And I cannot be stopped. I have the persistence of a telemarketer, the limitless power of the dark side and the eyes of extreme creepiness! I cannot be vanquished so easily, as you shall very soon see! But you on the other hand... you have exhausted your flame powers and with them all chance of beating me!

*Bob Saget punches forward two tentacles at the same time at the speed of a bullet with enough force to crush Scruffy's body against the wall. However, Scruffy warps out of the way.*

Bob Saget: How?

Scruffy: (appears behind Saget's head) Poncho. (roundhouse-kicks Saget's head)

Bob Saget: Curses! I forgot about you magic teleporting pocnho- but no matter! You cannot outrun me forever, and then you will die!

Scruffy: Not if I call for some reinforcements!

Bob Saget: No you don't...

*Scruffy is about to warp away, but one of Saget's tentacles yanks the poncho off him in midwarp. Then two more tentacles grab Scruffy by the arms, tow him in and hold him eye to eye with Saget. Scruffy cannot help but look into Saget's huge scary eyes and become lost in them.*

Scruffy: Ah... Ah...

Bob Saget: That's it. Look into my eyes, and your soul will be lost forever.

Scruffy: Why... you...

Bob Saget: (juts a tentacle into Scruffy's chest) Yes, me. Me, me, me.

*Back in the throne room, all of the pirates are walking around crying. Almost all of them.*

Jebus: Someone pass me a roll? (someone holds one to him) One that's not covered in your salty mortal tears.

Siren: What's wrong with you? Our captain's dead and you don't even care!

Jebus: He's not dead. (points over towards the balcony) He and Saget are duking it out over there. Looks like Saget's winning.

*Everyone rushes over to the balcony and sees the fight breaking out.*

Que Pasa: We have to save him! For Belgium!

*Saget is in the process of draining Saget's soul when Lupine's enchanted pine cone, shot from Que Pasa's cannon nose, slams into Bob Saget and explodes. Saget is sent flying off the gears and lands on the factory floor below, releasing Scruffy.*

Lupine: (shouting down to Saget) No one steals our captain's soul without going through his mateys first!

Que Pasa: (goes to Scruffy) CAAAAAP'N! CAP'N!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!!

Scruffy: Don't worry about me, first mate. I'm no longer of any use in this condition. You all have to fight on without me. You guys can do it. I know you can.

Que Pasa: Stay there, Cap'n! Stay safe!

*The rest of the pirates arrive. Everyone slides down the slides to the factory floor except for Stampede, who aims a gun at Scruffy.*

Scruffy: What is this, Stampede?

Stampede: This is for your own good. (pulls the trigger)

*On the floor, everyone squares off with Bob Saget.*

Bob Saget: Behold another of my powers! Force tornadoes!

*Bob Saget summons two small minitornadoes. One grabs half the crew while the other grabs the remaining half. The tornadoes spin them around for a few minutes, then spits them out in random directions.*

Patten: What was the point of that?

Bob Saget: It kinda looked cool. Anyway, time to die!

Que Pasa: Not so fast, it's time for the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada to fight back!

*Mini-Myself rolls himself into a ball large enough to fit into Que Pasa's nose cannon, then he fires him into Bob Saget's face, distracting him for a split-second. And in that split-second Krazy Dude, Patten, Pink Ninja and Salama leap forward then stab/bite at Bob Saget- cutting off four of his eight tentacles, which hit the ground and dissolve.*

Bob Saget: Ouch man, that hurt! That's it, I'm gonna take the soul of the first person I see!

*The first person Saget sees is Siren, whom he holds outstretched with all four of his remaining tentacles.*

Que Pasa: Heh heh... all according to plan... (releases Wally from his cage. Wally leaps on Lupine)

Bob Saget: Heh heh... not so confident now that you have all your clothes on, eh? What a pity. (holds Siren up so he's looking straight at her covered chest and holds her closer) With you pirates gone, no one can intefere with my plans to take over the universe with my army of celebrity telemarkters! Ha. Ha. Haha.

Que Pasa: Now, Lupine! Make your aim true!

*Lupine grabs Wally and flings him with pinpoint accuracy so that he flies between Siren and Bob Saget- and accidentally cuts her shirt open with his claws. Bob Saget screams from his close-up range.*

Bob Saget: AHHH, MY EYES!! MY BEAUTIFULLY SCARY EYES!!!!! (drops Siren as his eyes crack and shatter) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Siren: Not so confident without your ungodly eyes, eh?

Que Pasa: Face it, Saget. You're finished.

Bob Saget: My eyes... you'll all pay for that!

*Bob Saget lashes out blindly with his tentacles and Force Powers.*

Patten: This is insane! He can't even control himself anymore!

*Stampede slides down.*

Pink Ninja: Where the hell were you this whole time?

Stampede: Shooting the captain.

Pink Ninja: WHAT?

*Scruffy flies down with his fire restored. Stampede holds up his flamethrower.*

Pink Ninja: Oh.

Scruffy: This ends now! FIRE BOMB!!! ...Now that I think about it, SUPERNOVA sounds cool too. I dunno, pick whichever name you prefer.

*Scruffy releases all his flaming energy into one giant ball of fire that he shoves straight towards Saget while everyone else hits the deck. The ball shoves Saget into the furnace, causing a huge explosion that sends the entire citadel crashing down. Miraculously all the good guys survive with minor injuries and crawl out from the rubble, and they see Jebus sitting comfortably in an armchair as he read a porno mag. There is an empty spot of ground where the furnace once was. All that remained was a char mark. The absence of even the slightest bit of Saget-ooze confirmed the belief that he was vaporized by the explosion. The winds started to pick up around the area.*

Que Pasa: ...Zing.

*The Millenium Falcon swoops down, and Han Solo sticks his head out of the window*

Han Solo: Great shot kid, that was one in a-

*While Han isn't paying attention to the road, the Falcon crashes into a mountain and explodes violently.*

Lupine: (pretends nothing just happened) What now?

Scruffy: We go home. And you better cook us a good feast, hear?

Lupine: Sure, I have the ingrediants right here... (pulls Wally off his face and gets bitten.) Ouch! (drops Wally) Hey... why's Wally flying?

*They all notice Wally is now flying in a circle around the castle. Then everyone notices how much stronger the winds have gotten.*

Stampede: ...TORNADO!!!!!

Jebus: This wasn't omn my prophecy forecast. My brother's always throwing in surprises.

*All of the pirates- even eLfa (who is now awake) and Nemo- are picked up by the tornado and swung around in a circle. But one by one, each member of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada grabs a fellow pirate's hand until they are all linked in a circle of fifteen loose friends stretching around the tornado.*

Lupine: JEBUS, DO SOMETHING!

Jebus: Still my coffee break.

Lupine: But... this tornado could kill us!

*The tornado expands into the top layer of the moon's atmosphere with the circle of pirates up near the top.*

Scruffy: This is Saget's last laugh! When he died, the excessive amount of energy that he left behind must have formed into this tornado!

Siren: Then like his mini-tornadoes...

Lupine: ...This one will explode and send us flying in random directions! But... alot further.

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada, First Installment-

Starring:

Abraham Mendez as Captain Monkeyman Scruffy
Scruffy: Everyone remain calm! This is not the last time we see each other, I promise you! We are not ordinary men and minimum numbers of women! We are the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada! I promise that we will all find each other again! It is time to say our farewells now, before it is too late!

John Murro as First Mate Que Pasa
Que Pasa: (completely oblivious to what's going on) Hey, does anyone remember that show Street Sharks? Y'know, the one with the guys that had shark heads for some reason?

Marko Lamela as Chef Lupine Shadow
Lupine: I'll always remem- Wally get off my arm dammit!

Wallace Racoon as Himself
Wally: (gnaws on Lupine's arm)

Manuel Gonzalez as That Krazy Dude the Janitor
That Krazy Dude: May your turnips never rot, fellow friends and platupi!

Matthew Guzman as Stampede the Markman
Stampede: We could always stay in touch with our cell phones! (all cell phones explode) That's just not fair.

Sir Steven Santos as No Name the Nameless One Who Doesn't Happen to Have a Name
No Name: Until we meet again my friends, may the Force be with you! The same amount of Force I use on your mom- OH!

Joseph Evans as Jebus the Brother of God
Jebus: (checks watch) Still my coffee break. (sips from his bottomless coffee mug while chewing on a slice of pizza)

Dennis Hooper as Salama the... Salama.
Salama: (looks towards Jebus) You gonna finish that pizza? (hit by lightning)

Sarah Argul as Skanky Siren the Undercover Stripper
Siren: Try not to look towards me... my shirt is still torn... (Stampede and Que Pasa swear for forgetting their special glasses)

Christel Santamaria as eLFa the White Mage Magician
eLFa: What the hell happened while I was unconcious?!

Kunj Shah as Patten McGroin the Contract Killer
Patten: Wait... Scruffy, that name rings a bell. You're the man I've been hired to kill! Damn I hate these ironic situations!

Brian Ferrell as Pink Ninja of the Num-Nuts School of Fighting
Pink Ninja: You have all fought slightly honorably, and for that I respect you all. You all recieve the Num-Nuts seal of approval.

Darren Ithier as Mini-Myself the Stupendously Short
Mini-Myself: Stupendously? I'm not THAT short! I'm gonna kill John...

Gust-Starring Haywood Jablowme as Count Carlo Aguilera... or is it the Other Way Around?
Carlo: (snaps pictures of the tornado from the intergalactic bus) WHOOO!

And Marlon as Nemo the Man of a Thousand Humorous Deaths
Nemo: Hang on, I have a whole speech prepared. I'd like to start by saying-

*The tornado stops and sends everyone flying into differant directions at different speeds. Nemo is almost instantly smeared against a meteor.*

Jebus: Hm, looks like my coffee break's up. Should I... nah. I feel like we'll have a much better story next time if I don't use my powers now...

*Sometime later, Scruffy slowly wakes up.*

Also Featuring Donald Trump as Mr. T

Mr. T: Wake up fool!

Scruffy: What? What happened? Where are we?

Mr. T: On the deck of the Golden Cheesecake, fool. You flew right onto the deck. You must drink your milk.

Scruffy: Yeah whatever. But where are the others?

Mr. T: Don't know. Mr. T did see fourteen streaks of fool-light spreading across this fool fool universe. Don't touch my gold.

Scruffy: Well, what are we waiting for? Man the helm! We've got a universe to search.

Mr. T: Aye aye fool!

*Mr. T takes up the wheel while Scruffy stands at the bow and looks out across space... Somewhere out there his crew his waiting for him. Someday the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada will be united once more.*

THE END
A Wachowski Brothers Film

Chapters in The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7