GCPA Sidequests Part 8

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

The Newport/Hoboken Chronicles Part 2

by No Name on December 28, 2005

*At Newport...*

*Stampede, Krazy Dude, Shiny Stallone, No Name, his brother Some Name, Karl (the angry black man who's trying to get outta the hood), Edwin, Salama, and Patten McGroin assemble in the food court at a random table.*

Shiny: *drinks Coca Cola from Popeyes* Man, this is good!

*Krazy walks up to the table with a drink from Panda Express. Both Shiny's drink and Krazy's drink are medium yet Krazy's drink is much larger than Shiny's.*

Shiny: Yo, what the hell? Why's your drink so much bigger than mine?

Krazy: Because the panda owns the chicken no matter what! *cheesy thumbs up*

*In the background you see the giant chicken from Family Guy get its ass kicked by a panda. The two of them near the edge and "finish him" is heard. The panda uppercuts the chicken who flies off the third floor of Newport and drops down onto the unnecessarily large, spiky object shop and dies.*

Stampede: Hey, weren't Cap'n and Que Pasa supposed to be here?

Krazy: They're busy with a mission so we're gonna have to go to our secondary homes after we're done here.

*Somewhere far away...*

Cap'n: Watch out, Que Pasa! *throws fireball at flesh-eating zombie penguins*

Mr. T: I pity the penguin who dare to eat T's flesh!

Que Pasa: Hey, did anyone see American Dad yesterday?

*Back at Newport...*

No Name: I'm sure they're fine!

Salama: Hey Krazy, you told me Liz was gonna be here too!

*Elsewhere Liz is at a party with the other people in her "group" while they "work on a project".*

Patten: She'll be here sooner or later.

*The crew wanders around the mall aimlessly while several of them complain about not doing anything. Stampede devours a Mcdonald's burger while Some Name steals Salama's seat while Salama's waiting at Mcdonald's even though he was further up on the line than Stampede who already has his food. Patten gets bored and calls Liz to see when she's going to Newport*

Patten *on phone*: Yo Liz, where are you?

Liz *bassline is heard in background and shouts of drunken nerds are heard*: Oh, um...I'm on the bus?

Patten: .....Okay, I'll see you in a bit then.

*Liz finally manages to meet up with the crew*

No Name: Finally now can we head to Hoboken before my ticket expires! I only have until 4:53. *looks at watch. the time is 4:53* NOOOO!!! *gets tackled by literail security*

Some Name: Wait, he's not even on the literail!

Karl: Now you know what it's like to not escape the hood!

Literail Security Officer: That black man hasn't escaped the hood! Get him! *tackles Karl*

Stampede: Wow, that's really fucked up!

*Later on, the crew heads to Hoboken.*

*While in Hoboken...*

*The crew wanders around the streets of Hoboken thinking that they're going to get some food*

Edwin: Yo, where's Karl?

Krazy: He's probably finishing the job that I started on your mo.m

Liz: Hey, who's that?

*A not so angry black man who has escaped from the hood runs up to the crew. He looks very much like Karl except he's wearing a hat that says "JR" and a cape with a cheeseburger on it. And for some reason this man was wearing a black sweatshirt that says "BROWN" in white letters.*

Edwin: Who are you?

Johnny Rocket: I am Johnny Rocket, the hero who battles injustice with delicious sandwiches and cheeseburgers. So you are all hungry I see. How about some Johnny Rocket's burgers?

No Name: Hey look it's a Subway!

Stampede: Let's eat fresh!

*Jared runs in.*

Jared: Your mom eats fresh!!

Krazy: Oh SHIT!!!

Johnny Rocket: ....Oh....*runs off*

*The sound of changing clothes is heard in between angry swearing and Karl runs up to the crew.*

Karl: Hey guys, what did I miss?

Salama: You missed Johnny Rocket!!!

Karl: Oh cool. Oh hey look, a Subway!

Salama: Oooh, let's go there!

Shiny: Salama, are you hungry again?

Salama: Hey, my dad told me not to eat the food court but he never said anything about eating the subway!

Shiny: You fat fuck.

*Several sandwiches, bags of chips, and sodas later, the crew heads to Barnes & Noble.*

*Salama reads a book of strange facts about sperm and other weird things. Karl and Krazy Dude wander over to the cultural books section. Karl finds a book about black penises and their sizes which is described by some dude who wrote a book about vaginas as disgusting yet intriguing. As he reads the book he looks over to see Dr. Nina talking to Edwin, Stampede, Shiny, and No Name a few feet away from him. Karl hastily puts the book away and walks off awkwardly as Krazy follows*

Karl: You didn't see anything. We were there looking at the book about American women and no one will ever know other than you, me, and whoever is reading this post right now.

Krazy *speaking loudly*: DON'T WORRY KARL, I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU WERE LOOKING AT A BOOK ABOUT BLACK PENISES!!!

Karl: ....God dammit Krazy Dude!

*The crew tires of Hoboken and decides to part ways at the literail station. They head over to the station.*

Shiny: Hey, look at this crappy thing on the lamp post. *kicks the cover at the bottom of the lamp post and it falls off with a loud bang* Oh shit!!! *everyone runs away*

*The crew reaches Hoboken Terminal.*

*Liz knees No Name in the ass*

No name: Ow, my ass! You just drove your knee into my ass. Not even on the butt cheek, but right in the center!

Liz: I love doing that!

*The crew finally gets their tickets and no one notices Karl get on the west side lite rail to go home. As the lite rail car leaves, it explodes violently with Karl in it.*

*The crew parts ways and go onto separate lite rail cars. Patten, Stampede, Liz, and Edwin go onto one and No Name, Some Name, Krazy Dude, Salama, and Shiny get onto another. The first lite rail car with Liz, Patten, Edwin, and Stampede on it takes off but tde-rails and slams into a wall tragically just after it went out of sight*

Some Name: So wassup, guys?

Shiny: Oh shit, I forgot to validate my lite rail ticket! *runs off the lite rail*

No Name: *sticks his head out the doorway* NO SHINY, DON'T BE A HERO!!!

*Shiny avoids nuclear missiles and land mines and finally reaches the ticket validater. He rushes back, avoiding more explosives, and steps onto the lite rail*

*The lite rail pulls into Newport and No Name, Some Name, and Krazy Dude get off. They head into Newport as the lite rail gets hit by a plane.*

*Krazy Dude, Some Name, and No Name walk through Newport. No Name and Some Name part ways with Krazy Dude as Krazy heads to EB Games while No Name and Some Name head for the Mcdonald's where they'll get picked up by their parents and head home. As Krazy walks to the EB Games, he is hit by a flaming lite rail car that plows through the wall and collides into him.*

*No Name and Some Name head home and they go to sleep. But they hear a strange noise and both wake up to see several lite rail cars in their room. The house explodes violently, thus ending the second part of the Newport/Hoboken Chronicles*

Pirates Vs. Ninjas II

by Scruffy, Que Pasa and That Krazy Dude on January 27, 2006

Valentine's Day Special: Mind of the Tap-Dancer, Heart of Granola

by Que Pasa

Part One: Vorpal Sketched a Picture of Me Last Night

Carl Winslow: Three two one, one two three. What in the world is bothering me?

*February 13th, late in the night. Mr. T strolls through the garden of the Golden Cheesecake, humming the A-Team theme as he waters the plants... with milk.*

Mr. T: Drink your milk and you'll become big and strong in a manner not unlike T's. (one of the plants brush against his gold chains as he bends over, so T whips out a shotgun and blasts it) Sorry but don't touch my gold.

*From the shadows emerges Mithos, the demented midget who can make anyone of any size, shape or gender fall in love with him instantly. He silently approaches Mr. T.*

Mr. T: (sniffs the air, catching Mithos's man-stink) Who there?

Mithos: I'm right behind you.

*Mr. T spins around, ready to toss Mithos helluva far and then rape his corpse, but he freezes as he beholds Mithos's form.*

Mr. T: (holds up the flower he shot) You can drive T's van.

*Mithos hops onto Mr. T's shoulders and laughs maniacally. A mind-blowing opening credits theme follows. The next morning the crew is preparing for Valentine's Day while Que Pasa and Edwin make their way to Intro to Sci in Sci Fi.*

Edwin: I heard a rumor that the real reason Siren was absent last week is because she was pregnant with a crew member's baby.

Que Pasa: What? W-Where'd you hear such a wild rumor? (hides child support bills) But anyway, remember the time Mr. Malk totally burned Marchese?

*Que Pasa and Edwin turn around to see Mr. Marchese standing sadly behind them.*

Mr. Marchese: He... he didn't say anything about my hair, did he? Guys, I need your help.

Edwin: Do you even know who we are?

Mr. Marchese: Not in the slightest. But I need your help with a girl - the girl from Real Genius.

Que Pasa: Hm, let's try that thing they did in 411. (takes Rafael's contaminated Snapple bottle and hands it to Marchese while "Pimp Juice" plays in the background with half the words censored out)

*Mr. Marchese drinks it and collapses foaming from the mouth. Que Pasa and Edwin pause for a moment, then they run off. But their second match-making mission succeeds as they unite Dr. L with a dolphin. Suddenly en explosion rocks the building.*

Que Pasa: What's going on?

*A familiar van rushes through the school as Que Pasa and Edwin turn and run.*

Edwin: Wait, that's Mr. T's van. (stops in front of the van) Hey Mr. T, let us in! (is smacked ten feet into the air by the car)

Que Pasa: What's going on? (leaps onto the van and climbs along the roof) What are you doing Mr. T? (looks in the windshield and finds not only Mr. T but Mithos) AHHHHHH.

*Mithos points up. Mr. T's fist crashes up through the windshield, grabs Que Pasa and tosses him to a light fixture, zapping him with electricity until he collapses lifelessly on the ground. Soon Que Pasa and Edwin rush back to the Golden Cheesecake.*

Edwin: Guys, Mr. T has gone evil! He's tearing up High Tech!

Scruffy: That's impossible.

Que Pasa: This whole affair is being managed by Mithos's shrunken hand.

Scruffy: That minuscule fiend! Suit up, pirates! We gotta save the T-man.

No Name: Can we hurry up? All of us except Lupine have dates tonight, you know.

Lupine: What about Que Pasa?

Que Pasa: I have a blind date with a chick named Malaria.

Lupine: I'll brew a Stew of Depression for dinner tonight.

*The pirates are all prepared to leave while Lupine stays alone in the kitchen. As No Name is about to leave, Nia pops up.*

No Name: Oh, Nia... what a surprise!

Nia: (feels along No Name's sweatshirt and finds a long blonde hair) Whose hair is this?

No Name: Errr... (Edwin watches on meekly)

*The rest of the pirates all drive the Golden Cheesecake into High Tech. There they see Mr. T pick up a vending machine and tossing it against the wall, smashing both the wall and the machine while Mithos munches on a Pop-Tart (tm).*

Scruffy: Mr. T, stop! Come to your senses!

Mr. T: Don't you fooling fools understand? With my milk-man T's happy. Don't touch my gold.

Karl: Can't you see he's controlling you? Come back to us, Mr. T!

Mithos: T-Bone, wipe out those jealous prats as a symbol of our everlasting love!

Mr. T: Anything for you Milk-Man!

*The pirates stand to oppose Mr. T as he changes into a tight spandex suit and charges forward. T slams right through them, sending them flying to the air like bowling pins bouncing on a trampoline.*

Mithos: HWAhahaha, delicious!

*Nearly everyone is unconscious after T's hurricane-like frenzy. Only Scruffy is standing.*

Scruffy: Mr. T, please stop! You have to remember me! This man is a vicious killer! Please, Mr. T!

Mr. T: (twists Scruffy's arms behind his back) Don't drive my van. (tosses him through the kitchen into a giant can of leftovers that would later be grinded into pizza toppings)

Mithos: This has been beautiful, T-Bone! Now let us leave.

*Mithos and Mr. T drive off in the van, leaving behind the collapsed pirates. Soon Stampede wakes up due to The Guz's amazing powers of recuperation and revives Mini-Myself.*

Stampede: We must rescue Scruffy before lunch begins.

Mini-Myself: I'm on it!

*Stampede and Mini-Myself put on gas masks and kick down the door to the kitchen, then they burst in and find the lunch ladies dumping the whole can into a giant blender, then they start to activate it.*

Mini-Myself: There's no time!

Stampede: Not a question with The Guz!

*Stampede releases bolts of magic that knock out the lunch ladies. One of them smashes into the blender, breaking it open while Scruffy flies out in a flood of disgusting food.*

Mini-Myself: What the hell did you need me for?

Stampede: I don't quite remember.

Mini-Myself: What's wrong with Scruffy?

Stampede: He appears to be choking on mashed potatoes. You may actually have a small use after all.

Mini-Myself: Hot damn!

*Mini-Myself shrinks down and slips into Scruffy's mouth, then slides down his throat until he stops on the pile of mashed potatoes. He quickly plants a charge there, blowing up the mashed potatoes, but he forgot to bring a grappling hook so he slips down the esophagus screaming.*

*Back with No Name...*

No Name: Alright, I admit it, that's Edwin's hair!

Nia: Edwin?

Edwin: I'm sorry. I didn't know how to break it to you.

Nia: That's it! No Name, you have to choose which of us you love more!

No Name: (looks horrified)

*Elsewhere, Mithos and Mr. T leave the school in the van.*

Mr. T: That was foolin' fun, Milk-Man!

Mithos: Yes indeed, my T-Bone! And now the pirates are left beaten and weakened while the navy is on the way! THEY'RE ALL DOOMED!! HYA HAHAHA!

Morgan Freeman: No Name given an ultimatum. Mini-Myself stuck in the captain's body. Mr. T under the control of a hyperactive midget. Lupine brooding alone. And the rest of the crew cornered by the navy at long last. How will the GCPA survive this ejaculation of cliffhangers? Find out!

Part Two: I Could Go For a Muffin About Now

*A man approaches Lupine in the kitchen.*

Lupine: Who the devil are you?

Man: You are Chef Lupine Shadow, correct? I'd like you to bake a cake for my friend's birthday party today and deliver it if you can. It's kinda last minute, but I'll pay any fee you ask.

Lupine: Sure, do you have any requests?

Man: Yeah, can you make the cake with her face on it? Here's a picture of her.

*The Man shows Lupine a picture. Lupine stares in shock. Aeolus freezes in shock and falls into the stew. Lupine recognizes the picture as the exact same picture he carried in his left pocket- the picture of the girl he's been trying to find for years.*

Man: I'll leave her address on this fancy Sticky-Note. Good luck!

*Lupine immediately gets to work on a cake.*

*Elsewhere all the pirates are slowly regaining consciousness while a group of navymen led by a female officer surround them.*

Officer: Surrender now pirate scum! We have you this time!

Que Pasa: Geh... I don't think so. Pirates, attack. (Where's the captain?)

*All the pirates rush towards the naval troops. That Krazy Dude slides down a rope from the ventilation shaft, then swings from it to kick over a group of navy troops.*

ADD: Take this, you salty seamen!

*Elsewhere, No Name uses a Jedi mind trick to knock Nia and Edwin out. Actually he hits them with a rock.*

No Name: Good, now I have time to think. ...I know the best place to go for advice!

*Elserwhere, inside Scruffy's body, Mini-Myself is navigating Scruffy's stomach with a flashlight, dodging the bits of ruined pizza, fries and Spanish food.*

Mini-Myself: Wow, this is even more disgusting then dissecting earthworms.

*A giant tapeworm emerges from the lagoon of fat and hisses. Mini-Myself runs and dodges the tapeworm's swipes. However, Scarlett Johanson rides in on a motorboat and spears the tapeworm on a harpoon.*

Mini-Myself: Scarlett Johanson? What the hell are you doing here?

Scarlett Johanson: I've been trapped in this wasteland for days. I've been imprisoned here by Bernie Mac.

Mini-Myself: Do you know any way out of here that doesn't involve being encased in feces?

Scarlett Johanson: We have to find Bernie Mac's lieutenant, Cedric the Entertainer, who's waiting for me to succumb so he can collect my spine.

Mini-Myself: The fiend!

*Back at the barnyard, the pirates are still fighting off the navymen. Que Pasa grapples with the female officer.*

Que Pasa: A female officer? Shouldn't you be in the kitchen, making me some chicken or yummy raviolis? Maybe some pot roast.

Female Officer: (stuffs a handful of mashed potatoes into his face and dropkicks him)

Que Pasa: That'll do.

*Scruffy and Stampede rush back in.*

Scruffy: (cuts a bunch of navymen in half) Scruffy McGruffy, taking a bite out of law enforcement!

Nemo: Que pasa que pasa! (anal raped)

Siren: I'll finish this- ack, my water broke!

*The female officer reaches into Que Pasa's chest, pulls his heart out and tosses it into the French fryer.*

Que Pasa: Good thing I bought some extra ones on eBay.

Mr. Matt Malkowicz: So you do have a heart.

Stampede: It is time for The Guz to end this.

*Stampede floats into the sky and summons a swarm of meteors that frighten the navymen into a retreat.*

Scruffy: Mr. T...

Que Pasa: Hm... I think I may know someone who can help us with our troubles...

*The GCPA walk into the backyard next door and find Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World.*

Que Pasa: FEE-NAY!

Mr. Feeny: Ah, Mr. Pasa. Mr. Scruffy. Mr. The Guz. Mr. Eagler. Ms. Siren. Mr. Name...

Que Pasa: (looks at all the other pirates) This may take a while.

*A few hours later...*

Mr. Feeny: And Mr. Trying to get out the hood. What brings you here?

Scruffy: Our friend Mr. T has gone evil. We need your help to stop him.

Mr. Feeny: (regurgitates a one-wheeled unicycle car)

Pink Ninja: How will that help us?

Mr. Feeny: That is all I have to say on the matter. I'm also dispensing romantic advice for twenty dollars apiece.

No Name: Mr. Feeny! I need your help to choose between the two people nearest to me!

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

No Name: What?

Mr. Feeny: Next.

Que Pasa: I have a blind date tonight.

Mr. Feeny: You're screwed.

Que Pasa: Santa, can you get Lupine a girlfriend so he can stop cutting himself over my good carpet?

eLFa: He used to date me. Then we found out I was his sister.

Scruffy: Enough of this. We must find a way to defeat Mr. T.

*Everyone disperses.*

Mr. Feeny: (sighs) Maybe one of these days they'll ask me about my troubles... (sheds a tear)

*Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson find Cedric the Entertainer, but they are immediately chased by a flood of digestive acids.*

*The pirates are all back on the ship.*

Scruffy: You actually brought that unicycle car back?

*Finally, Lupine wheels a cake towards the girl's house... only to find flaming rubble. Ninjas leap out at him.*

Morgan Freeman: You know the drill. To be continued.

Part Three: It's Been About a Month Since the Actual Valentine's Day But Hey

Written June 23, 2006

*The van smashes through the World Capitol. Mr. T walks through the halls as Mithos follows behind him. T's body absorbs all the gunfire, and he simply smacks all the guards to the side as they approach. Finally they reach the capital room and confront President Schwarzenegger.*

Arnold Schwarzenegger: What is the meaning of this?

Mithos: Out of the way, Nixon. That chair is mine.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: (pulls out enough weapons to decimate a small country) Do not zink I will leave the world I love without a fight.

Mr. T: (flings Arnold out the window)

Mithos: Excellent job, T-Bone! The world is ours!

*Elsewhere, Lupine angrily leaps at the first two ninjas, smashing their heads together with enough force to blow them up. He then tears out one of the ninja's spines and uses it as a sword to fight off a few more ninjas, impaling them. But then ninjas keep on piling in, and they soon restrain Lupine as the Ninja Queen Vagineta approaches.*

Lupine: What the hell are you doing?

Vagineta: Payback, honey. (evil laughter)

*Inside Scruffy's stomach, Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson engage Cedric the Entertainer in a high-speed battle within a giant chicken skeleton, slowly climbing the skeleton as the lower portions are slowly being eaten away by digestive acids.*

Cedric the Entertainer: (grabs Mini-Myself by the neck and holds him into the air above the acids) You cannot defeat me! I was in the remake of the Honeymooners!

Scarlett Johanson: I'm blonde! (dropkicks Cedric's stomach)

*Cedric the Entertainer stumbles over in pain, then vomits out a baby that quickly grows into a second Cedric the Entertainer. Both Cedric the Entertainers smash into Scarlett from both sides, trying to crush her with their fat.*

Cedric the Entertainers: Now you shall never again interfere with the Big Mac!

Mini-Myself: No!

*Mini-Myself leaps forward, growing enough so that when he smacks into the first Cedric, it immediately tumbles into the digestive acids.*

Cedric: How dare you, slightly larger than before man! I as well can grow!

*Cedric slowly turns into a giant, massive monster of fat and starts laughing wildly. However the bone he's standing on snaps beneath his weight, dropping him into the acid. Mini-Myself nearly falls as well, but Scarlett Johanson grabs his hand and pulls him up.*

*The rest of the pirates are moping around the ship and watching tv.*

Scruffy: (flips through the channels until he arrives at the TV Land channel)

TV Land Dude: In light of Mr. T helping Mithos to take over the world capitol, we're holding a day-long A-Team marathon! (Tv is blown up by Scruffy's fireball)

Que Pasa: They've taken over the whole world now?

No Name: This has gone too far. We have to stop him.

Stampede: But how?

Karl: Wait wait just one second. ...Where's That Krazy Dude?

*Elsewhere, Mr. T is cleaning out his van when he sees a bunch of janitorial supplies. That Krazy Dude rises up.*

That Krazy Dude: Hey Mr. T, what's up?

Mr. T: I pity the fool who... who... does whatever you're doing at the moment!

That Krazy Dude: That's what all the women say to me...

Mr. T: You poor boy, let Mr. T help you... (Mithos enters, and Mr. T becomes angry at That Krazy Dude) No! Stop feeding off my pity with your jibba jabba, you fool! I will not allow this!

*Mr. T drives the van off towards the Golden Cheesecake and opens the back hatch, dropping both That Krazy Dude and a bomb on the ship. The explosion leaves all the GCPA members on the nearby shore.*

Que Pasa: We can't hold off any longer! We have to go to the World Capitol and stop Mithos!

Scruffy: We can't. Mr. T is too much for us.

That Krazy Dude: Not completely. I was able to bring out his pity. We can use that to our advantage.

No Name: Yeah! C'mon Scruffy, we can do this!

Scruffy: Alright, fine. Let's do this.

*So the pirates board the only remaining method of transportation, the unicycle car, and drive off. Every few seconds they stop the one-wheeled car and get out so they can turn it before they continue driving.*

*Lupine lies chained up at Vagineta's feet.*

Lupine: You dirty hoe! How dare you!

Vagineta: You could have married me Lupine and become king of the ninjas! But instead you run off with that damned hussy!

Lupine: What have you done with her?!

Vagineta: Forget about her. I'm all you need. All you'll ever need. Just forget about your meaningless pirate life and come back to me.

Lupine: Um... let's be friends!

Vagineta: How dare you reject me again! That's it, you have to have some feelings for me! We'll just beat you into admitting it!

*Lupine's chains collapse. He immediately rushes forward, kicking one ninja with so much force that his flying body tears through the chests of a row of ninjas. Lupine then begins to engage Vagineta in hand-to-hand combat.*

*The unicycle car smashes through the door of the world capitol and rolls down the hall. Then everyone gets to turn the car around a corner, and continue driving. They all get out at the top floor and enter the World President's Office.*

Mithos: What is the meaning of this?

Scruffy: (sets up a bomb) You blow up my house and left me for dead, consider us even. (starts to leave, but is cut off by Mr. T, who eats the bomb)

Mr. T: Don't attack the milk-man. Stay out of this Scruffy. (grabs Scruffy by his skull, spins him around and tosses him through the wall)

That Krazy Dude: Once I ate a person and found out he was actually me in the future. I'm doomed to become that man and get eaten by myself.

Mr. T: Let Mr. T turn that frown upside do- URGH

Mithos: Don't let him control you! I am your lover! I am your master!

Mr. T: (clutches head) GAH GAH GAH DRINK MILK

That Krazy Dude: Don't be afraid to reject me like those countless amounts of girls.

Mr. T: ERRRRGH... TOO... MUCH... PITY... (charges forward blindly, trampling Krazy Dude on the ground)

Scruffy: It's not working! How can we stop him!

Edwin: Hang on! When I was bored one day, I researched Mr. T! I know one weakness of his- he cannot turn to the left or right! He can only walk in a straight line!

*Edwin and Scruffy look at each other at the same time.*

Scruffy and Edwin: The Unicycle Car!

*Lupine and Vagineta continue fighting.*

Vagineta: You stupid man! Why can't you love me?

Lupine: Because I love her! (kicks Vagineta with both legs at the same time, sending her flying into her ninja minions and causing a massive explosion)

*Inside Scruffy's stomach, Mini-Myself and Scarlett Johanson cling to the last chicken bone as it approaches the intestines.*

Mini-Myself: What's happening?

Scarlett Johanson: Quick, take this teleporter I swiped from Cedric! You have to escape!

Mini-Myself: What about you?

Scarlett Johanson: There's only enough power to teleport one person! Go, Mini-Myself, go!

Mini-Myself: But... (Scarlett Johanson kisses him) ...Okay. (teleports away while Scarlett Johanson goes down the feces slide)

Scruffy: Urgh...

Edwin: Wait, what's wrong?

Scruffy: Nothing, I can hold it for a while. Let's do this.

*Scruffy drives the unicycle car forward at Mr. T at breakneck speeds.*

Mr. T: WHAT'S THIS, FOOL?

Scruffy: I pity you now, Mr. T! (hits him)

*Mr. T is unconscious from the force of the unicycle car. Somewhere out there Mr. Feeny is experiencing an orgasm. Mithos remains defenseless.*

Mithos: No! Not now, I was so close! (evaporates)

Scruffy: (smiles) I love it when a plan comes together!

Epilogue

That Krazy Dude: (holds up mop) It's just you and me tonight, Stella.

*That Krazy Dude opens the janitor's closet, and Pink Ninja and eLfa spill out.*

That Krazy Dude: So that's where you've been!

*Siren wheels a baby in a carriage.*

Que Pasa: Ooh ohh, name him Ramone!

*No Name walks towards Nia.*

No Name: Where's Edwin? I've made my decision.

Nia: Too late, your choice has already been made for you. (points to Edwin making out with Zandra)

No Name: NO EDWIN COME BACK! I CAN CHANGE!

*Scruffy gets out of the bathroom.*

Scruffy: That's strange, I don't remember eating any fully-grown women whole.

*Que Pasa is waiting at a diner for his blind date. The female navy officer walks in. Que Pasa and the Female Officer immediately get into fighting stance.*

Female Officer: Freeze! This is Officer Malaria of the World Navy!

Que Pasa: Malaria? I'm Que Pasa.

*They sit down at the table.*

Malaria: I hear this place has good chicken.

Que Pasa: Let's talk about Batman...

*After the date...*

Malaria: You do know I have to arrest you, right? (looks around but sees no sign of Que Pasa) I guess you do.

*Scruffy and Mr. T celebrate T's return, and after a few too many drinks they wind up grinding in the middle of the deck. Mr. Feeny gives them a thumbs-up from the backyard next door.*

*Lupine looks around through the rubble of the house. He finds no bodies, but he does find a picture of himself. Written on the back is "Keep waiting". Lupine slips the photo into his pocket beside his photo of the girl, and he walks off into the sunset.*

The DeNiro Code

by Not-Robert DeNiro to the 3rd Power (Actually me, him, and that guy) Okay really it was the Captain, Que Pasa and El Fool Hidalgo (Lupine) but what do you care, huh? HUH? Yeah I thought so bitch, on June 14, 2006

*The GCPA is holding a car wash to raise crack money. All the guys are dressed in white bikinis and washing cars that pass by, along with Siren, the only girl willing to go along with it.*

Scruffy: Eh, they won't know the difference.

Que Pasa: Does this make me look fat?

Lupine: No, you make IT look fat.

Que Pasa: (runs off crying)

Scruffy: Come back, he didn't mean it! (to Lupine) You're gonna apologize mister.

Lupine: No way!

Scruffy: (Whistles, and old ladies rise from the ground, grabbing him by the omg moobs and starting to drag him down.)

Lupine: Alright, alright I'll apologize (vomits out his lungs)

Salama: (really tight bikini) Hey, how come you haven't let me clean a car yet?

Scruffy: Well Salama, it's nothing wrong with you. It's just that the customers can't understand your uh, uniqueness. Fine, I guess you can clean the next car.

Salama: No matter whose car it is?

Scruffy: Sure.

*Robert DeNiro's limo pulls up.*

Robert DeNiro (sticking head out window): I want my limo cleaned now.

Scruffy: Right away sir!

Shiny Stallone: It will be an honor, I'll clean your limo right away-

Salama: (shoves past) No way, Captain promised me no matter who it was, I could clean it! (leaps towards the car in joy)

Scruffy: NOOOO!!! (readers hear his voice echoing from the Ghost World)

*Salama lands on the limo, breaking it completely...*

Robert DeNiro: ...

*Then his bikini rips.*

Siren: Hmm... that's surprisingly arousing...

Robert DeNiro: (is hit in the eye with a crotch strap) RRR.... AUGHHHHH!!! (Surrounding by a golden aura, and breaks up the GCPA car wash center)

Que Pasa: Needs more Batman.

*The GCPA members all flee as Robert DeNiro chases them down and beats the crap out of them one at a time. Then he corners Shiney Stallone.*

Shiney Stallone: I'm sorry sir, I can't fight you... (His loofa sponge is stuffed down his throat by Robert DeNiro, and he and passes out)

*The remaining GCPA members of the GCPA all rush back to the ship, where Dreamer is assembling the other girls into a protest movement.*

Dreamer: Looks like your sexual exploitation didn't go according to plan huh- (an energy beam narrowly misses her) Er....

Robert DeNiro: It's time to end this!

Scruffy: NOOOO!!!! I refuse to lose another ship!

*Robert DeNiro flies down towards the ship, his hair on his head and back growing long and spiky. Scruffy leaps up to stop him only to bounce off. Robert DeNiro then flies through the ship, blowing up.*

Scruffy: Eh I tried.

Robert DeNiro: Consider this repayment. (tapes the ship back together and rides off in it)

Siren: I can't believe it! We.... lost!

No Name: Clyde?!

Clyde: I'm sorry Steve. You're not worthy of your gi anymore.

*No Name sadly takes off his gi and gives it to Clyde, leaving himself on in his boxers. That's right, he was wearing boxers under his gi under his bikini. The GCPA all wind up drowning their sorrows, and Nemo, in a bar. Then Frenchie overhears a conversation between two hardened French thugs.*

Hardened French Thug ..1: [Yeah, I'm ..1 and I'm proud of it! I hear DeNiro's got a new ship- quite the galle-one if I do say so myself, and I have oh ho ho!]

Hardened French Thug ..2: [Our titles are quite oxymoronic, no? Is he not searching for zee greatest of all treezhaires?]

Hardened French Thug ..1: [(French-kisses ..2 out of the blue and then seamlessly returns to his conversation) Oui, he wants that which can destroy him, the only such thing in existence.]

Hardened French Thug ..2: [This is a boring conversation.]

Frenchie: Capitan, I just overheard a conversation that you may find of great importance!

Scruffy: What is it, Frenchie?

Frenchie: Rahbet DeNiro has your vessel, and he is using it to find zee greatest of all treasures- vun vhich can vanquish even him!

Scruffy: We must find this treasure and use it to beat him! The safety of my ship, and oh yes the world, is at steak. I have to make a hard desicion here, one that hurts my soul.

Ms. Knight: What is the soul exactly, possibly a branch for hope to perch on?

Mini-Myself: Shut up you crazy old lady! (knocks her out with a pile of his bad essays)

Scruffy: Back to what I was saying, I need to pick the two most reasonable, responsible, and most....

*Que Pasa cuts off*

Que Pasa:...ugly!

Scruffy: Yes, to lead this mission. That's why I shall no choose these two candidates.

*Turns around and looks at Mini-Myself*

Scruffy: Too stupid.

*Turns around and looks at Stampede, who is swinging his Opeth medal around his neck and clapping like a little kid*

Scruffy: Too ADD.

*Turns around and looks at No Name*

Scruffy: Too ugly.

*Turns around and looks at Que Pasa*

Scruffy: Too all of what I mentioned before and more!

*Turns around and looks at a reflection of himself in a mirror, but fails to realize it's him*

Scruffy: And no way in Heaven or Earth will I ever choose a fool like you!

ADD: Um, Captain, thats a reflection of yourself.

Scruffy: Oh....continuing on (looks at the rest of the unmentioned crew members) Hmmm, I choose Dreamer and Lupine. I just want to let you both know that if you fail, the end of our Armada and possibly a part of the word is all your fault.

Lupine: I hate you!

Scruffy: Don't mention it!

That Krazy Dude: (with mop in hand) Nobody ever remembers about us. Looks like it just you and me tonight Stella.

Scruffy: How did it go, No Name?

No Name: (whispers what happened) ...And that's not all. He said he's coming for you next.

*Scruffy's glass of water starts shaking. Not noticing the misplaced vibrator, he stumbles out of his chair and jumps out of the third-story window. As he tries to recover, he looks up and sees Clyde climbing down the side of the building like a spider. Clyde rotates his head and screeches, then leaps to the ground and runs after Scruffy like a velociraptor. Scruffy quickly recovers from the bone-shattering fall and runs into the woods gasping for air.*

Scruffy: SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!

*Mr. T comes out of a closet wearing extremely tight hunting clothes and wielding a tranquilizer gun filled with tranquilizing darts loaded with milk.*

Mr. T: It's hunting time fool shoulda stayed in school. (runs into the woods after Clyde)

*Lupine and Dreamer head off to a French museum where Robert DeNiro was last seen. Various navy officers surveying the area suddenly explode.*

Lupine: Where should we start?

Dreamer: Maybe we should try the "Robert DeNiro's Weakness" wing of the museum.

Lupine: That can't be real.

Dreamer: (points) Lots of celebrities have wings built in their honor.

*Lupine and Dreamer examine the wing, filled with poetry by the world's finest, from e.e. Cummings to Emily Dickinson, about what Robert DeNiro's weakness could possibly be.*

Lupine: I see, you sly dog you. Ha, the captain'll never notice I stole his line. (drops down on the ground choking, until Dreamer kicks his throat causing him to spit out a poncho)

Dreamer: Let's check the dark corner that says "So Dark the Con of The Fockers".

Lupine: I've got an ultraviolet light.

Dreamer: Does that radiation make you sterile?

Lupine: I'll find out soon enough.

*They look by the message, and see a golden box in the hand of Mary Magdalene's skeleton. The box is labeled, "Robert DeNiro's Weakness, I mean it".*

Dreamer: What could it all mean?

Lupine: Hm, let's examine it. (pulls the box out of the skeleton's hands, causing alarms to ring in the museum and making the navy officers un-explode)

*General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley leads a navy squad into the room.*

Lupine: What's your special ability, Dreamer?

Dreamer: I find things.

Lupine: What the hell good is that gonna do?

*A navy officer rushes Dreamer, and she just sticks out her finger, planting it in his forehead.*

Lupine: Yeah, that'll work.

*Lupine and Dreamer get into a van and drive in reverse down a street while overdramatic choir music plays. Soon the van drives towards a narrow gap between two cars that are close together.*

Lupine: WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!

*They make it, and yes that actually happened in the movie.*

Dreamer: They don't have any proof that we were there anyway, and nobody will believe that idiot with all those stupid titles!

Lupine: Then maybe I shouldn't have written "P.S. Lupine Shadow was Here" in ultraviolet.

Dreamer: Let's check out that box.

Lupine: Hm, it's locked, and I'm not sure how to open it. But I know where to find someone who can- our old friend Magneto.

*Clyde is gaining on Scruffy when Mr. T comes from nowhere and tackles him over.*

Mr. T: Not today fool! (beats him around with the butt of his gun)

*Clyde immediately grabs Mr. T and starts flipping him around with a forbidden Judo art. Mr. T manages to break free and get fair enough to shoot several milk darts at Clyde, but the milk only makes him stronger.*

Clyde: Why don't you come to the Judo Club, Mr. T? We'll work you into shape.

Mr. T: Sorry foo, but T's only interested into beating you into shape- an unidentifiable one don't do drugs!

Scruffy: Mr. T, let me help you!

Mr. T: No, fool, go! (Clyde wraps his legs around Mr. T's neck from behind and starts to drag him down. Scruffy hesitates) JUST GO!

• Scruffy runs away, never looking back until he finds a village in the French wilderness.*

Scruffy: What is this?

Wind in his Baggette: [Hello, white-ish man. I am Wind in His Bagette of the Native French people. My people have lived here for centuries, and we thirst for the taste of totonka.]

Scruffy: Totonka?

Wind in His Baguette: (nods and holds up buffalo skin) [Totonka!]

Scruffy: Oh, you mean buffalo.

Wind in His Baguette: [NO BITCH IT'S TOTONKA!]

Scruffy: I feel like we're speaking the same language now. I will find you buffalo, I promise you. I'm surprised you still have your land, unlike the Native Americans.

Wind in His Baguette: [Well this is French land. Who the hell would want that?]

*Elsewhere, Lupine and Dreamer enter Magneto's mansion and find him with crutches.*

Lupine: Magneto old pal! What happened to your legs?

Magneto: Some unfortunate business, Charles.

Lupine: It's me, Lupine Shadow, remember? You signed my chest when we pillaged the world premiere of X-Men 3.

Magneto: You never visit your father anymore, Quicksilver dear. Oh where are my pills?

*Magneto suddenly has a flashback to his crippling. He pushes a shopping cart through a grocery store and sees cream corn on the top shelf, so he uses his magnetic abilities to grab many cans of creamed corn. Suddenly numerous anti-mutant officials appear holding cure guns and fire a flurry of guns at him, and all the cans fall on his lower body, crippling him like the monkey he is.*

Magneto: YOU WON'T TAKE MY CORN FROM ME AGAIN YOU BASTARDS!!!! (leaps at Dreamer, who dodges as he flies into the television set)

Dreamer: Mr. Lensherr?

Lupine: Just wait for him to act out his usual routine. This is how I get money from "Dad".

Magneto: Do you want some tea, Charles?

Lupine: Sure Maggie, I have something for you to check out- a metal box containing Robert DeNiro's weakness. Have any idea how we can open it?

Magneto: Oh, anything for you Charles. Hang on, I'll have this open in a second. (holds hand over the box and focuses while loudly grunting) URRGH... URGGGH... URRRGHHH...

Dreamer: Sir, I don't think that's working.

Lupine: You... don't have your powers anymore.

Magneto: Are you sure you saw what you sure? This box can only be opened by completing a puzzle of great difficulty. According to this crossword puzzle, it's a four-letter word for a flaming object. YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME X-MEN! (passes out)

Lupine: See, simple as that. (pockets some cash and silverware)

Dreamer: One thing I don't get. If Robert DeNiro was already at the museum before, why didn't he just take the box?

Lupine: Have any of our villains been that smart?

Que Pasa: I say we Batman him.

Lupine: Que Pasa, what are you doing here?

Que Pasa: I was hired as Mr. Magneto's butler. The other guy quit since the house is being "fumigated" or whatever that means.

Lupine and Dreamer: (quickly put on gas masks)

Que Pasa: Oh man, was so excited to see you guys here, I invited everyone here for a slumber party, even the navy! I made sure they knew you were here.

*Lupine and Dreamer run off, tripping over a pale man.*

Dreamer: Silas?

Lupine: No, an actor Que Pasa hired to play the Joker.

*Lupine and Dreamer drag Magneto to the airport, hiding in clothes and using his unconscious form as a puppet so they can ride his private jet to the Temple of Four-Letter Words.*

Lupine: Alright, let's split up and read everything until we find it.

Dreamer: First, I would suggest getting out of this old man's tight clothes. Stupid comic book villains.

*Scruffy, now with a wicked beard, runs back to the Native French camp.*

Wind in His Baguette: [I saw your dance-off with that wolf. I think we should call you Person with Distinguished Traits because of that.]

Scruffy: Totonka! Totonka! (points)

*The Native French all pick up their spears and shout, and they follow Scruffy and scale a wall to an open field filled with buffalo. They all scream as they begin hunting all the buffalo. Finally they hear someone yelling from the observation deck.*

Zookeeper: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR BUFFALO? (surrounded by traumatized children)

Scruffy: TOTONKA!!!! (beats chest)

Wind in His Baguette: [Learn another word dumbass.]

*Elsewhere at the airport, Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley walks up to the air control officer.*

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: Tell me the destination of Magneto's private jet.

Air-Guy: Sure, I'll tell you right away- (is decked by Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley)

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: YOU'LL TELL ME WHERE THEY'RE GOING!

Air-Guy: I'm trying to, but- (Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley starts kicking him around)

*Back at the Temple of Four-Letter Words, Lupine and Dreamer run frantically around and checking all the words.*

Lupine: Hm... foot? boot? Loot? W00t?

Dreamer: None of them sound very flammable.

Lupine: What about asbestos?

Dreamer: Now you're just being stupid.

Magneto: Hold it right there. (waves a gun at the two of them)

Lupine: What is this?

Magneto: Stay back. Drop the box. You see, I'm smarter than you think. I was the Teacher all along.

Dreamer: Sir, there is no Teacher in this parody.

Magneto: (sees a little girl skipping past and whispers to her) There's been a change of plans. Instead of killing all mutants on Earth, kill all the homo sapiens.

Dreamer: This also isn't X2.

Magneto: Shut up! The box is mine!

Lupine: (looks up at a portrait on the wall) No... (tosses the box towards Magneto)

Magneto: (drops the gun as he reaches out for the box) NO!

*Lupine quickly slices the central pillar with a powerful kick, causing the temple to collapse on top of Magneto while he grabs Dreamer and jumps through the window.*

Dreamer: You left the box in there! Now how can we defeat Robert DeNiro for the rest of the crew?

Lupine: I solved the puzzle. As I examined the wall, I saw a portrait which contained the answer- the most flammable of all substances- a baby. Then I quickly opened the box and swiped the contents with ninja accuracy before tossing the box melodramatically.

Dreamer: Well, let's see what it is!

Lupine: (pulls it out from his pocket) I can't believe it... it's a sandwich! A special type of sandwich I make when I watch anime! Hang on... a piece is missing....

Dreamer: Sorry, I was hungry! I didn't know it was Robert DeNiro's weakness.

Lupine: Then... now you are. The Dreamer, you are now the sole living weakness of Robert DeNiro.

*The Dreamer floats into the air majestically and starts to fly off. Lupine steals a hangglider to follow her.*

Lupine: I majored in hanggliding in college!

*The Dreamer soon flies towards Robert DeNiro, who roars and flies at her. The Dreamer catches his first, which turns to ash in her hands.*

Robert DeNiro: What... what is this?

*A blast of light ignites, blinding Lupine as Robert DeNiro quickly disintegrates into nothing. The Golden Cheesecake falls from the sky. Afterwards the Dreamer starts to fall from the sky unconscious, but Lupine catches her and returns with her to the streets of France.*

Lupine: You okay?

*Dreamer awakens, and for the moment a romantic spark emerges. But at that second Lupine sees behind her and sees someone sitting in the coffee shop across the street- it's the girl in his photo whom he spent all his life looking for. He quickly shoved her out of the way and ran across the street towards the coffee shop, only to be tackled by French police officers.*

French Officer: Zink you can just jaywalk whenever you want, eh you sick freak?

Lupine: No stop, you don't know what you're doing!

*Lupine is let out free... but after hours of filling out complicated paperwork. When he returns, the coffee shop is empty. Lupine walks back to Dreamer.*

Lupine: Er... let's just stick to that plutonic thing.

*Dreamer nods. Elsewhere at the Native French camp, Scruffy tries to shave his beard with his flamed-on hand, with not-good results. Suddenly his image in the mirror shakes and turns into Clyde, who leaps through the mirror and tackles Scruffy to the ground.*

Scruffy: YAAAAAH!!!

Clyde: (tongue extends towards Scruffy's forehead) I knew that mastering the secrets of the Mirror World would be my key to success! So when are you coming to Judo Club, ABRAHAM?

*Mr. T tears through the wall and tackles Clyde over. Mr. T now has warrior face paint, and most of his clothes are torn.*

Mr. T: No fool can escape the T-Man for long!

*Mr. T and Clyde continue wrestling along the ground, when finally the Golden Cheesecake falls from the sky and crushes them both.*

Scruffy: No! Mr. T! (runs toward the ship)

*Scruffy approaches the ship, when suddenly he sees Clyde emerge from the ship... only to see that he is being held up by Mr. T.*

Mr. T: T's done his job... I'll be okay, just gotta... stay... in... school... (falls asleep)

Scruffy: Well, looks like Lupine and Dreamer have saved the crew.

*Soon the whole GCPA is back on their ship, and the ship starts to take off.*

Scruffy: Well you two fools have redeemed your ships.

Lupine: So am I the new first mate now?

Scruffy: Hell no. In fact, I'm thinking of making Dreamer second mate instead, just because I can.

Dreamer: Theres something thats still bothering me. Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley was relentlessly pursuing us. Whatever happened to him?

Que Pasa: Oh yeah, we found out about him and sent him a surprise.

*Flashback: Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley is still in the airport when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and finds Siren there, still in her bikini.*

Siren: I'm all wet, can I come in?

Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley: I've been waiting so long for this day!

*Back to the present. The GCPA is leaving when they see Wind in His Baguette shouting from a mountaintop.*

Wind in His Baguette: HUMAN WITH DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS! YOU ARE MY FRIEND! HAVE FUN IN THE MAGICAL LAND OF AMERICA! EVEN THOUGH WE ARE ALL NOW WANTED BY THE FRENCH POLICE, I THOUGHT THIS WHOLE THING WOULD LOOK COOL!!! BY THE WAY DID YOU SEE THE LAST EPISODE OF JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED? MAN THAT WAS GREAT!!! IT WAS LACKING IN SOME PARTS BUT WAS AN AWESOME FINALE TO AN AWESOME SERIES OVERALL!!! ARE YOU FREE FOR BOWLING THIS WEEKEND? I JUST WAS THINKING OF YOU AND I THOUGHT, "MAN, THIS IS A GUY YOU WANT TO GO BOWLING WITH."

French Police Officer: (looks up at Wind in His Baguette) Take him down. (All his men raise their guns and start firing)

The End

The Semi-Last Stand

written by Que Pasa on June 18, 2006

Morgan Freeman: Twenty years ago. Mr. George Feeny and his friend, Bob Saget, looking the same as they do today, leave their car in a small Bayonnean suburb and enter the Siren residence, where they confer with the parents.

Mr. Feeny: Hello, Mr. Siren. Mrs. Siren.

Mrs. Siren: So you’re here to accept our daughter into your… “Academy For Not-Pirates”?

Mr. Siren: What about her illness?

*Bob Saget immediately pounces at Mr. Siren like life the hound and begins strangling him furiously. Mr. Feeny remains calm.*

Bob Saget: It’s not an illness!

Mr. Feeny: (tosses a bone) Mr. Saget, fetch. (Bob Saget leaps off of Mr. Siren and rushes after the bone) Can we speak to your daughter… alone?

Mr. Siren: Leave our daughter alone with two creepy old man whom I’ve just met, one of whom just tried to kill me? Eh why not

*Mr. Feeny and Bob Saget sit in a room alone with the child Skanky Siren, who was then known as Preadolescent Siren.*

Mr. Feeny: We’re here to help you, Miss Siren.

Bob Saget: Yes, Preadolescent. We represent a secret pirate academy.

Mr. Feeny: We’ll teach you how to control your powers. We know how hard it is to live with these powers.

Preadolescent: Do you? (lifts up her shirt, and the room is consumed by a blinding light. Then she pulls her shirt down, and the room is seen to be in ruins)

Mr. Siren: (walks in and shouts angrily) PREADOLESCEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!!!

*Stan Lee watches in amazement from outside as he hoses his garden.*

Morgan Freeman: Ten years ago. The child version of Stryfe Name sits in the bathroom, while his adopted father, Dr. Lipton, bangs on the door.

Dr. Lipton: Let me in, Stryfe! You’ve been taking too long in there, if it hasn’t come out yet it never will!

Stryfe: (hides tools) Wait a second, Father!

Dr. Lipton: Sure, son! (blows up the door and sees Stryfe whimpering as he is desperately trying to wipe off the mascara and take off the women’s clothing) Son… you’ve made the metaphor between pirates and gay people too obvious (Stryfe grabs his leg and cries)

Morgan Freeman: The somewhat distant but maybe not future. Captain Monkeyman Scruffy lectures at the Pirate Academy. He is now crippled and bald, after a shuffleboard accident.

Mr. Scruffy: As you see, us pirates can easily be tempted to use our powers in unethical ways. Like see this patient in a hospital. He was born with perfectly-good health, but he has no consciousness and looks identical to Mr. George Feeny our headmaster. Who would we be to put the mind of a terminally-ill man in that perfectly-good and convenient body? Monkey!!!

Gorenicus: For the last time I’m an ape! (vanishes)

*That Krazy Dude, who now has blue fur after trying to drink Pin Sol, sits on the ceiling while reading a porno mag when a Congressman walks in.*

Congress Man: Senator Dude, the time of the meeting is NOW!

That Krazy Dude: (nods, and reality readjusts itself until he’s sitting firmly on the floor)

*That Krazy Dude walks into the Senatorial chamber and meets with World President Arnold Schwarzenegger.*

That Krazy Dude: Hello Mr. President. How are the turtledoves this season?

President Schwarzenegger: AUGHH Zee Dude, it is nice to see you YAAUGH! I knew zis administration would get the better reviews if I gave zee pirate repreeeesentation in Congress, especially zeir janitor AAUGH!!

That Krazy Dude: Why have you called me here? Why are any of us here at all on this blue Earth and scrambled eggs?

President Schwarzenegger: YAAAUGH, look at zhis, zhis file from zee Lipton Iced Coerporation. Zhey have made zee cure, zee cure for PIRATES AUGH AUGH AUGH!

That Krazy Dude: But what is there to cure, the flaming pantaloons? I must take this up with my comrades in the area of Bacon Bites. (breaks through the window and swings from tree to tree towards the Golden Cheesecake)

President Schwarzenegger: Zat is the seeeventy-seekent window he has broken zhis week OOARGH!!

*Stampede, hearing voices in his head, boards his motorcycle and rides off towards a nearby duck pond.*

Stampede: STOP IT!!!

*Stampede vomits into the pond, causing a whirlpool to open up. Dark Siren flies out, then quickly dries herself and pulls some fish and ducks out of her pants. Since her shirt is open, Stampede puts on the sunglasses that allow him to see her boobs without passing out.*

Stampede: Siren?

Dark Siren: That’s right, Stampede. I’m back from the dead.

Stampede: You died? I think I’d remember something like that.

Dark Siren: Remember? I tried to use my boobs to hold back the water of the duck pond from drowning us that one time, and I found out the hard way that my boobs couldn’t affect water.

Stampede: I still don’t remember, I’m certain we were never in any situation like that in any way.

Dark Siren: (kicks him in the balls)

Stampede: Ow I remember I remember.

Hugh Jackman: lol try growing those back

Dark Siren: Now take off your glasses.

Stampede: What? But I’ll pass out from seeing your boobs!

Dark Siren: Don’t worry, I can control my powers now.

Stampede: (takes the sunglasses off) Hey, it really works. They look much better without the sunglasses, nice contro- (disintegrates)

Dark Siren: …Woops. (her boobs let off another giant flash, and a spirit is seen flying from the flash as she passes out)

*Mr. T walks by with his duck-hunting gear and finds the passed-out Dark Siren, and Stampede’s sunglasses.*

Mr. T: What the fool?

*The spirit that flew from Siren’s flash enter a certain grave, and Bob Saget rises from it.*

Bob Saget: Looks like the little girl’s flash all those years ago absorbed part of my spirit. Now I’m back in business! Hahaha! Now to restart my Brotherhood of Evil Pirates Who Think Of Themselves As Good Guys!

*That Krazy Dude arrives at the Golden Cheesecake.*

That Krazy Dude: Lo, they have an un-piratizing solution! They’re calling it a cure!

Lupine: No way! There’s nothing that needs to be cured.

Que Pasa: Haha you’re Storm. Your only purpose in this movie is to bitch endlessly like your actress.

Lupine: You know what? You know what? I’m going back to my trailer until I get more screen time.

Pink Ninja: This cure is stupid. You’re all stupid.

eLfa: (walks out in confusion)

*Que Pasa walks into the medical room and sees Dark Siren laying there.*

Que Pasa: Hey it’s that girl.

Mr. Feeny: Hello, Mr. Pasa.

Que Pasa: FEENAY!

Mr. Feeny: Yes, quite. Skanky Siren has been recovered. When I met her years ago, her boobs gave her powers greater than any other pirate, and her boobs literally had minds of their own. I had to place mental implants around her chest to suppress her powers until she could control them. Her dormant powers must have caused her to survive the duck pond incident by surrounding her in a protective bra until Stampede’s vomit freed her. Her boobs, which I named Da and Rk, might have gained control of her.

Que Pasa: Nice expositionary statement, Mr. Feeny.

Mr. Feeny: Oh you pirates remind me of the cast of Boy Meets World. I watched over them while I was their teacher and principal in high school, their teacher in the college they all went to, their boss for fifty years in the job they all took and then the administrator at the retirement home their children checked them all into. Good times, good times.

*Que Pasa sits in a chair next to her medical bed and starts poking her repeatedly with a chopstick until suddenly her eyes pop open.*

Que Pasa: AHHH

Dark Siren: Wow, this is the reverse of how we first met, when you were on the medical bed and I was watching over you.

Que Pasa: I thought we first met at a strip club.

Dark Siren: Hey let’s randomly make out.

Que Pasa: I don’t see anything wrong with that.

*Que Pasa and Siren start making out until Que Pasa pulls back.*

Que Pasa: Hey hey hey hang on there, something’s not right and it probably has something to do with the “Dark” that’s suddenly appeared in your name.

Dark Siren: Oh come on. My powers are greater than ever before.

Que Pasa: (picks up the sunglasses) What did you do to The Guz? (the sunglasses shatter violently) So you bought him ice cream?

Dark Siren: That’s it, I’m outta here! (drills through the wall with her boobs)

*The entire crew chooses this time to rush in.*

Mr. Scruffy: What happened?

Que Pasa: She was all like, ‘omg I killed the guz’ and then she escaped with some sorta drilling jumblies. But really, Stampede is one of the quintessential GCPA characters and he had been mostly neglected in the last movie, so what do they do with him in the third movie? They show him in like two scenes and then kill him off in a needless, untragic death scene. It’s a pitiful death scene too. Despite being the first X-Man and field leader… er I mean one of the early GCPA members and kinda the crew’s third mate, he doesn’t go down dramatically or touchingly in battle. No, instead gets ACCIDENTALLY DISINTEGRATED BY HIS GIRLFRIEND! URRRGH! …Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

Mr. Feeny: Siren’s old powers must be reawakening. I think I know where we can find her.

*Everyone boards the Golden Cheesecake and drives off to the Siren household. The Golden Cheesecake parks outside the Siren household, but so does the Deathticle.*

Scruffy: Count Gonad?

Count Gonad: Why yes. But it will be my master who will be doing the talking today.

*Gorenicus, Gold Roger and Darth Curry all walk out from the Deathticle, followed by their leader. A scary choir version of the Full House theme then plays in the background as Bob Saget walks down the ramp.*

Scruffy: No! It can’t be!

*All the GCPA rush towards Saget and his Brotherhood followers, but Mr. Feeny stops them with a mental block.*

Bob Saget: I’m just visiting an old friend, George. After all, I owe her my life.

Mr. Feeny: Don’t make this difficult, Mr. Saget. All of you stay behind; it’s just between the two of us and her.

*Mr. Feeny and Bob Saget walk into the house and find Dark Siren there. She quickly tosses away a candlestick and turns to face them.*

Dark Siren: What do you two want!

Mr. Feeny: Calm down, Miss Siren. I’m here to help you again.

Bob Saget: Oh, don’t give her your old man talk George.

Mr. Feeny: Stop it, Mr. Saget! I can help you to control your powers.

Bob Saget: He’ll keep you bound like a dog. Only with me and my Brotherhood will you be able to stand around and do nothing like in the movie.

Mr. Feeny: I did it for you own good, Miss Siren, just like the detonator I planted in Topanga’s body to make her marry Cory.

*Dark Siren screeches angrily as her shirt tears, and Mr. Feeny is lifted into the air by her boobs’ telekinetic abilities. Outside…*

Scruffy: Something’s not quite right in there. Let’s go in, GCPA!

Count Gonad: Lord Tang said no trespassers!

*Several GCPA members rush towards the house, only to be assaulted by the Brotherhood members.*

Darth Curry: That’s right, I’m back and I plan to be remembered!

Pink Ninja: So you’re up to your no-good tricks again, eh Curry?

Que Pasa: Let me in! Outta my way, bub!

Gorenicus: You’ll have to de-live me first, you oversized sausage.

Count Gonad: Will no one challenge me?

That Krazy Dude: Will not the turtle always sing in my hearts?

Gold Roger: I am Gold Roger! King of the Pirates! Hear my name and whimper like the dogs I impregnate!

eLfa: We’ll see who whimpers this time.

*Que Pasa and Gorenicus shout as they rush at each other. Gorenicus merely grabs Que Pasa and flings him into the house.*

Count Gonad: We were supposed to keep them out of the house, dumbass.

*That Krazy Dude and Count Gonad break out into a wild lightsaber duel. At the same time, Pink Ninja battles Darth Curry. Curry shoots a flamethrower at Pink Ninja, but Dreamer manages to grab him, pushing him out of the way while eLfa is busy with Gold Roger.*

Pink Ninja: Thanks… watch out! (turns them both invisible as Darth Curry rushes by spewing more flames in order to dodge)

Dreamer: Call me Ginger Snaps.

Scruffy: That’s it, do your captain proud my children.

*Scruffy’s wheelchair grows giant mechanical arms and legs, and then it fires a giant laser that scatters the Brotherhood members. Mini-Myself rides around on a skateboard.*

Morgan Freeman: Inside the house, Que Pasa tries to climb through the hallways despite the high amount of sexual energy holding him back. He then remembers his Millennium Nose and turns it into a cannon, then fires a grappling hook from it to help him climb down.

Dark Siren: I’ve had enough of you old man!

*Time suddenly stops. Mr. Feeny rotates his head to face Que Pasa with an awkward look on his face.*

Mr. Feeny: Did I remember to close the refrigerator before I left?

*Mr. Feeny is yanked into Dark Siren’s chest and explodes.*

Bob Saget: GEORGE!!! He was my best friend… so you still wanna join us, Dark Siren?

Dark Siren: Sounds bitchin’.

*Bob Saget and Dark Siren make their getaway along with the other members of the Brotherhood of Evil Pirates Who Think Of Themselves As Good Guys.*

Mini-Myself: Yeah, that could have went better.

*Later, everyone is gathered around the funeral for Mr. George Feeny.*

Lupine: Mr. Feeny was a great man, a simple man, who sought only to stalk young people and give them life advice. He was a hero to all of us pirates and an inspiration to all who met them. (lowers the crypt, which only contains a small amount of dust)

*The Dreamer starts to weep uncontrollably and is comforted by Pink Ninja while eLfa watches.*

Morgan Freeman: In the president’s office...

President Schwarzenegger: Teyk eeny meezharies you can to stop zhose pirates!!! I mean it!!!

Captain Duck-Hand Frzlngd: Yes sir. (does nothing of consequence for the rest of the story)

*Elsewhere, No Name is strapped to a table while Dr. Lipton approaches.*

No Name: Adopted Dad, is that you?

Dr. Lipton: I told you to stop calling me that. You volunteered to test my cure, remember?

No Name: I remember being jumped by guys in Richard Nixon masks who started beating me with baseball bats until I blacked out.

Dr. Lipton: You’re delusional son. All you have to do is take an injection of this modified version of our delicious Lipton Iced Tea ™ and you’ll be cured of your foolish pirate tendencies. Remember son: drink better, live better.

No Name: I’m getting second thoughts about this, Dad… especially since I’ve never heard of this before…

Dr. Lipton: It’ll be okay…

*No Name uses the Force to burst out of his restrainments, grabs a hang glider and flies through the window.*

Dr. Lipton: Eh it was worth a try.

*The scientists all start an orgy. Elsewhere at the GCPA headquarters that night, Pink Ninja meets with Dreamer.*

Pink Ninja: Come with me, I’ll cheer you up.

The Dreamer: Okay.

Pink Ninja: I’ve learned some special ninja ice abilities- just watch! (freezes over the fountain)

The Dreamer: Nice but devoid of any practical application.

Pink Ninja: Now we can go ice-skating! (freezes his feet and then starts skating across the fountain, then freezes Dreamer’s feet)

The Dreamer: Umm… I can’t move.

*eLfa sadly strums her guitar as she watches from her window. She quickly packs her bags and prepares to leave the ship.*

Lupine: Where are you going, sis?

eLfa: I’m going to take the pirate cure.

Lupine: Why? You have no reason at all to.

eLfa: Well it should be good for kicks.

Lupine: Yeah go ahead. And buy me any Infinite Crisis comics if you find them.

*eLfa leaps into the ocean and grabs onto a passing porpoise, letting it guide her path.*

Que Pasa: This is running on too long, let’s go ahead to the final part.

*The Golden Cheesecake heads off for Lipton Island. At the same time Bob Saget makes his approach.*

Count Gonad: You know we could have taken my Deathticle.

Bob Saget: No, I like my way better.

*The screen zooms out to reveal that Bob Saget, Gonad and Darth Curry are standing on a portion of the Golden Gate Bridge which is being held up by the Brotherhood members beneath it.*

Bob Saget: George always wanted to build bridges…

Count Gonad: Did you undergo this complicated plan just to make a horrible pun?

Bob Saget: SHUT UP DON’T QUESTION IT!

*The Brotherhood all raids the Lipton Factory and mess the place up a whole lot. However, at the same time Commander General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Wiley leads many officers armed with cure guns against the Brotherhood, and several nameless extras are curified.*

Darth Curry: Now what, Master?

Bob Saget: Hmm… I didn’t plan this all out beyond the whole building bridges thing.

*The Golden Cheesecake lands on the island, crushing all the soldiers.*

Scruffy: My bad.

*The GCPA rushes out from the ship and starts to duke it one with the Brotherhoodinites.*

Scruffy: Final showdown time! Are you holding onto your seats, children?

*Gorenicus runs through several walls in search of the main cure creation room.*

Gorenicus: Once I pick up momentum, nothing can stop me!

*The Dreamer trips him, causing him to fall into a vat of iced tea.*

Gorenicus: This is REALLY embarrassing…

*Lupine wrestles with Gold Roger.*

Gold Roger: Why won’t you join us? Our goals are similar.

Lupine: I feel like killing you. (summons wind magic that fiercely blows at Gold Roger until he’s hanging onto a ledge for dear life, then he generates electricity between his hands) You know what happens to a pirate king that gets hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.

Gold Roger: LAME- (electrocuted)

*Pink Ninja pits his ice powers against Darth Curry’s fire powers in an uncreative way, as they just shoot blasts mindlessly at each other.*

Darth Curry: You should have stayed in school longer!

*Pink Ninja covers his body in ice and bitch-slaps Darth Curry.*

Pink Ninja: You shouldn’t have left.

Mr. T: That’s right fools, stay in school!

*Count Gonad leads some more Brotherhooders into the Lipton factory, and they all grab Dr. Lipton.*

Dr. Lipton: Stop, stop, I just wanted you all to not be yourselves!

Count Gonad: My crotch itches. (flings Dr. Lipton out the window)

Dr. Lipton: (falling) AHHHHHH AHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHH AHHH AHHHHH

*No Name swoops down on his hang glider and catches Dr. Lipton.*

Dr. Lipton: You saved me son!

No Name: …I’ve changed my mind. (drops Dr. Lipton)

*Bob Saget flies at the GCPA, while spinning in a midair spiral with his tentacles twirling about.*

Bob Saget: It's time for revenge!

*Scruffy flies down in his wheelchair fighter and shoots wildly at Bob Saget, knocking him down. One of Saget's tentacles quickly reach up and tear into Scruffy's wheelchair, causing it to crash on the ground.*

Scruffy: It's up to you three now... to fight for the pirates... and make.... the last stand... (everyone kicks him simultaneously) Ow

Bob Saget: WE are the cure!

*Que Pasa, Lupine and That Krazy Dude gather nearby and find some of the cure needles.*

Lupine: I have a plan.

Que Pasa: I don’t care what you have to say or do.

That Krazy Dude: What we do as a team, we as a lawn mower.

*The three of them grab the needles and rush towards Bob Saget.*

President Schwarzenegger: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned AUGH AUGH!

Bob Saget: I shall plant my seed in all of your backs. (whips forward and slaps them all around with his tentacles)

Lupine: Okay, my plan may have some flaws.

That Krazy Dude: DIG DUG!

*That Krazy Dude rushes towards Bob Saget and plants his mop in the ground challengingly, then quickly spins around savagely, going apeshit on the nearby Brotherhooders before spinning himself at Saget. That Krazy Dude wrestles wildly with Saget's tentacles.*

That Krazy Dude: This reminds of the time my father tried strangling me with my sock after I misspelled "Happy Father's Day" as a child.

Bob Saget: Your depressing stories won't work on me, Dude, and you know it!

That Krazy Dude: They still make a nice distraction.

*At that time Que Pasa flies towards Bob Saget with needles in hand... only to be slapped down immediately. Que Pasa quickly tosses the cure needles to Lupine as he flies down with an elemental kick, cutting through his tentacles and going close to his body. Lupine lunges at Bob Saget, but Saget grabs Lupine's arms at the last second and holds him back from sticking the needles in him.*

Bob Saget: A valiant effort... (his tentacles take the two needles from Lupine's hands and shatter them effortlessly) ...But futile.

*At that second, Bob Saget freezes in place and turns his head around completely to see the third needle that was now planted in his back... after it had been fired from Que Pasa's cannon nose.*

Bob Saget: No... no... eh okay. (falls to the ground powerless)

Que Pasa: We have the technology. We can rebuild him.

Lupine: Do you even know what you're saying?!

That Krazy Dude: I guess that takes care of the Case of the Chemical Syndicate. (notices Dark Siren standing behind him) Oh shit, where did you come from?

Que Pasa: I think she's been there the whole time.

Dark Siren: Yes, and I've been having lots of fun sitting around and doing nothing but watch all you guys kill yourselves.

Que Pasa: Hey Siren, do you mind un-evilizing yourself somewhat? Things might be better off that way.

Dark Siren: Maybe...

*Dark Siren is surrounded by an angelic light, but just at that second a new wave of soldiers all fire their cure guns at Siren. The light immediately fades, and she proceeds to beat in the individual skulls of each soldier with her boobs.*

Que Pasa: Oh come on, you go crazy just because some dumbass soldiers shoot dart guns at you.

Dark Siren: Yeah, that is weird. You know what? I think I'll save you the trouble of killing me in some dramatic sequence and just be good again.

*Dark Siren quickly lobotomizes her boobs and becomes Skanky Siren again.*

Scruffy: It's a slightly happy ending yes.

Morgan Freeman: Scruffy's words were prophetic. Skanky Siren showed no more trouble from her evil side FOR NOW and retained some of her X-tra boob powers. That Krazy Dude spent a week in the bathroom shaving all his fur off. Darth Curry, instead of being forgotten, was. No Name's hang glider was lost to the wind currents for months until his glider was shot down by Mr. T, who thought he was a duck. Lupine became the new headmaster of the Pirate Academy although he could only teach there when not bound by the GCPA. Scruffy somehow recovered and vowed to be more important in the next sidequest. Then Mini-Myself rode a skateboard. eLfa decided not to take the pirate cure in the end and resumed her relationship with Pink Ninja. It was like the whole Dreamer thing never happened. Also, One-Armed Willy learned to ride the bike. And what of Robert Lane Saget?

*Bob Saget sadly enters a park and sits at a chess board. A little boy sits at the other end and looks excitedly into Bob Saget's eyes. Then the little boy is frozen in place.*

Morgan Freeman: The credits follow for about ten minutes, then there's the omg super happy ending scene.

Mr. Feeny: (wakes up in the identical body) Hello Doctor Matthews.

Dr. Eric Matthews: FEENAY?

Stampede: I'm alive too

Anthologies of GCPA Sidequests

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10