The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA Chapter 5
| Chapters in The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA |
| 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 |
Chapter Five: The Children of the Moon[edit]
Author: Lupine[edit]
Meanwhile, back to the three characters that have been getting no screen time......
Lupine: God damn it! This skull is hard to find.
Jebus: Well there is an entire ocean to search.
Lupine: Can't you use your god like powers to bring us them?
Jebus: Yes, but then there would be a plot hole, or we wouldn't have a story so shut up.
Lupine: Whatever.
Suddenly, through a plot hole, a newly resurrected Mr. Noble comes.
Noble: Hello, Marko.
Lupine: Ahhhhhhhhhh Noble. ::curls into ball:: Happy place happy place happy place!
Noble: You won't get that skull from me!
Jebus: Damn it! ::pulls out gun:: I might need my powers later, can't waste them on him!
Noble: Winkler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly, the vampire mermaid Henry Winkler comes.
Winkler: 'ey Mr. N!
Noble: You get the one curled into a ball, I'll get the God-like one!
A battle begins in which many battles cannot compare, I mean this battle was so like a battle of death and in death one sleeps, when you sleep you dream, when I dream I dream of donuts. Mmmmmmmmm donuts.
Noble, Jebus, Winkler: Shut up dumbass. Damn narrator.
Narrator: I never get to speak.
Back to the story.....
Noble gets the upper hand on Jebus by using Jebus's one true weakness..... cheese.
Noble: Now do you behold the power of cheese?
Jebus: No, I will never succumb to you!
Noble: Join me! We can rule the universe together!
Jebus: Never! You killed my father!
Noble: Wrong, I am your father!!!!!!!!!!!1
Jebus is stone quiet, while Lupine snaps into action and kicks Jebus in the face.
Lupine: You're his son?!?!?!?!?!?!
Jebus: No. He's an idiot.
::Noble is singing Old Gray May while juggling a teapot and chainsaw::
Lupine: Well now that I am myself again, wanna double team hi----OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT.
A wet furry thing comes and attacks Lupine but misses and latches onto Noble.
Wally: Must kill Lupine! ::jumps and attaches to Lupine's face::
Lupine: njfbdsjfacdsnfaslf
Jebus: Um yeah, wanna watch this then kill each other?
Noble: Ehh why not. But then I gotta kill you.
Jebus: Bring it, bitch!
Winkler: 'ey, did you guys forget about me?
::Winkler is killed when a pinecone that Lupine summoned misses his own face and Wally and hits Winkler killing him since he is allergic to pine related things::
Lupine finally gets Wally off and launches him at Noble causing an explosion which propels Lupine and Jebus into an underwater cave, killing Noble but sending Wally to the cave as well and unharmed.
eLFa: Where is everybody????
Author: Scruffy[edit]
Voice: MUWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, I'm free!!!!!!!!!!! (looks in mirror) Oh, my hair!!!!!!!!
(a mysterious shadow is seen sneaking around)
Meanwhile on the Golden Cheesecake, Scruffy, Que Pasa, and Patten McGroin step out of the ship and onto the new lunar landscape they have landed on.
Scruffy: Hey, where are we?
Que Pasa: Possibly a place where only fairies and man-eating gnomes dwell.
Patten: Yeah.........let's move on.
Scruffy: Haha, good one first mate.
Patten: That's silly, why would there be man-eating gnomes here..... (trips over a rock and falls on floor, only to face a figure)
Patten: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MAN-EATING GNOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs like a mad man into a cave)
Scruffy and Que Pasa: WTF MATE?!?!?
Scruffy: Okay, where the hell are we??????
Que Pasa: According to this map, we're in a place called-
Scruffy: Wait, let me see that! (snatches map) This isnt a map of our surrounding, this is a map to find your way around in Golden Sun's Mars Lighthouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Que Pasa: Really, I thought it looked familiar.
(mysterious figure mumbles)
Que Pasa: Look Cap'n, this mysterious figure is communicating with us!
Figure: mmmmmmmmmmm.
Que Pasa: What's that, you want a double chelupa with a salad?
Figure: mmmmmmm.
Scruffy: Wait a second, I recognize that horrendous voice! (takes off coned shaped object of head and shakes of dust)
Scruffy and Que Pasa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Nemo: Thanks for releasing me guys, AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Scruffy: Why were you dressed up like a gnome, you scared us!!!!!!!!!!!!
Que Pasa: I wasn't one bit scared, not at all! (squish noises r heard as que pasa walks away)
Nemo: It's a long story that...........(SMACK!!!!!!!!!)
(Scruffy knocks out Nemo)
Scruffy: Carry him, lets go search for Patten.
Que Pasa: Yes Cap'n! He went into that cave, Cap'n!
Announcer: As our three heroes venture into the wondrous cave, what obstacles lie ahead in the search for Patten and the final crystal skull, stay tooned on our next episode of Pokemon.
Que Pasa: WTF????????
Scruffy: Ignore that fool, let's go!
(After 3 hours and 15 min of non-stop walking)
Scruffy: I'm tired and hungry!
Nemo: I'm thirsty, HAHAHAHAoh forget it, too thirsty to laugh.
Que Pasa: (while riding a scooter) I'm Que Pasa of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada!!!!!!!!!!
Scruffy: Hey look, Patten is up ahead, just lying there..........
Nemo: HAHAHAHA, I'll get him!!!!!
Scruffy: Avast fool, it's a trap!!!!!!!
Que Pasa: Yes, he is going to die again!!!!!!!!
(Nemo runs towards Patten, only to be blasted by Whoopi Goldberg)
Whoopi: Fools, you fell right into my plan!
Que Pasa: No we didn't, I don't see a hole filled with marvelous ideas in which we could possibly fall into!
Whoopi: What is it you're talking about?????
Que Pasa: What am I talking about?
Whoopi: Brother, you alright or something?????
Que Pasa: You're my sister, were did my mom go wrong!?!?!?!?
Whoopi: Are you a retard?????
Que Pasa: Are you a communist?????
(Everybody breaks into uncontrollable laughter, even Whoopi)
Nemo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Whoopi: I can't stand it any longer, get him girls!!!!!!!1
(All the nuns from Sister Act and Sister Act 2 come out armed with BFG 9000's)
Whoopi: BLAST HIM!!!!!!!!!!
Nemo: Hahaha, you're nuns, you won't hurt me, you believe in peace!!!! Ahahahaha!
(All of them charge their BFG's to the max and hit Nemo)
Scruffy: Well, there goes Nemo!
Que Pasa: Good riddance.
Whoopi: Now fools, surrender the skull or die.
Scruffy: We don't have it!
Whoopi: And we don't have it either!
Patten: And I don't have it, now make believe like I never said that (falls back on floor)
Scruffy: Arooo?
Whoopi: Well, then, you are no longer of use, blast them!!!!!!!!!
(A huge nun lifts off her clothes, revealing Mr. T!!!!!!!!)
Everybody: MR. T?!?!?!?!?
Mr. T: And I'm helluva tough! (dual-wields BFG 9000's and blasts 18 nuns) Let's go!!!
Scruffy: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!
Que Pasa: Like your mom!!!!!
Mr. T: My Whoopi, the years have not been kind to you!!!!
Whoopi: Kill them, kill them all!!!!!!!!
(Scruffy takes out his boomstick and Que Pasa takes out his pen.)
Scruffy: Let's do this!!!!!!!
Que Pasa: So that's what you look like when you take steroids.
Mr. T: Shut up, fool!!!!!!!!
As Mr. T, Scruffy, and Que Pasa battle countless nuns for their lives and Patten is playing dead, on the far side, our other heroes have to deal with what new enemies in the underwater cave?????? Stay tuned to the next episode of Pok.......(Que Pasa interrupts) The Golden Cheesecake Adventures!!!!!
To be continued........
Cheesy theme music and credits play
Author: That Krazy Dude[edit]
On a galactic star cruiser far far away, Darth Moose and Not Sane Dude were meditating and preparing for their next encounter with the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada.
Darth Moose: Haha! Run, Grunt, run!!!
Not Sane Dude: The battle rifle preowns!!!
Darth Moose: You never told me that star cruisers had such huge plasma screen tvs!
Not Sane Dude: There are many things that you do not yet know, Darth Moose.
Darth Moose: I see...
Not Sane Dude: Well brother, you and I have been training for a long time. I think now, that you would truly be able to appreciate these gifts.
Darth Moose: Gifts? Sexiness!!!
Not Sane Dude: Since you are Darth Moose and all... I think it would be appropriate if you had your own moose.
A moose walks into the room.
Darth Moose: Oh my God!! My own moose!!! Awesome!!!
Not Sane Dude: That's not all. You have gained much power now. The powers of the Sith are strong with you now. It is about time that you got your own celebrity servant just like Darth Tang.
Darth Moose: Wait. I thought I already had one.
Not Sane Dude: No. MC Hammer only works here because he's in debt.
*MC Hammer dances through the room wearing an apron and carrying a vacuum and a feather duster. "Can't Touch This" plays in the background. Music fades out as he exits the room.*
Darth Moose: Okay. I get it. So who's my servant?
Not Sane Dude: An expert at the art of style, technique, and flamboyance. Your new servant is......... Richard Simmons!!!
*Richard Simmons runs into the room*
Richard Simmons: Darth Moose!!! Are you ready to sweat, sweat, sweat?!
Darth Moose: What the hell?!
Richard Simmons's voice suddenly turns demonic and evil-sounding: YOU WILL SWEAT!!!!!
*Richard Simmons lunges at Darth Moose and attempts to strangle him*
Not Sane Dude: Stop, Simmons! He is not your next work-out partner.
Simmons: So that's why he's not wearing tight-fitting spandex.
Not Sane Dude: These (picks up pictures of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada and hands them to Simmons) are your new partners.
Simmons: Excellent.
Not Sane Dude: Moose, would you like to make your first command to an evil henchman ordering him to kill someone?
Darth Moose: Of course. Richard! You shall exercise with these men like you have never worked out before. Stretch until their legs fall off! Exercise until their buns of steel become so heavy that they fall off! Dance like you have never danced before!
Simmons: Yes, master. (skips off to kill the crew)
Not Sane Dude: Excellent. Now the crew shall fall!!!!
Darth Moose: MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not Sane Dude: Hey, you're getting better at that evil laugh.
Darth Moose: You really think so?
Not Sane Dude: Definitely!
Darth Moose: You don't think I should put some more bass in my voice?
Not Sane Dude: Nah. It's perfect.
Darth Moose: Kool!
TO BE CONTINUED...............CAN'T TOUCH THIS!
Author: Lupine[edit]
Meanwhile, back at the underwater cavern......
Lupine: So, um, how the hell do we get out of here?
Jebus: Well my powers are tapped, after using them to protect us from that last blast.
Lupine: I noticed. ::sees Wally gnawing on his leg::
Jebus: Well, this cavern is big. Let's see what we find, maybe we'll find a way out.
After 5 hours of wandering through the cavern, and finding Atlantis, the spear that slayed Jesus, and the lost Jimmy Hauffa, it seemed hopeless for our 2 herors.
Lupine: Okay, this is getting ridiculous! :: cast a combo of magic attacks on Wally to get him of his leg. When suddenly, out of nowhere at that sudden moment of suddenness...::
::Lupine casts Origin on Narrator::
Narrator: Ow!
Lupine: Stick to the story!
Suddenly, a group of five teenagers with attitude came out of nowhere.
Group: Go go Power Rangers!
Lupine and Jebus: Oh hell no!
Power Rangers: It's morphing time! ::morph:: Time to die, villainous pirates of villainy!
Red and Black attempt to kick Lupine, but he stops the kicks with a frying pan he happened to find in Atlantis and Wally's body.
Red/Black: Ow.
Yellow and Pink run at Lupine to kick him, but are stopped by his gunshots in the arm.
Jebus: You would think that all the villains they have ever fought would have at least realized they are weak to bullets, but no it's always some useless power against them.
Lupine: I know!
After mercilessly kicking Ranger ass while they try to make poses as they fight, the Rangers decide it's time for the last resort.
Power Rangers: We need the Megazord!!!!!!!
Suddenly a large robot of doomness comes, and Lupine and Jebus stare at it.
Jebus:.........
Lupine: It's okay to be scared right now, right?
Suddenly, a big haired lady comes with a magic wand and screams.
Lady: Make my monster grow!
The wand hits the floor, and Wally grows to the size of the robot.
Power Rangers: That won't stop us! Attack!
Wally jumps at them and attacks, but the Rangers parry the attack with their sword. Wally then decides to throw garbage at them, no effect.
Lupine: I know I'm going to regret this later... I summon forth the strength of the almighty Terminator!
Suddenly Wally is filled with the strength of The Terminator and defeats the Rangers with his magic garbage surprise attack.
Lupine to Lady: So how long will he be like this?
Lady: 30 minutes.
Lupine: Shit!
Wally runs at Lupine, who can only run away now, and finds the cave's exit but now finds himself with Wally and Jebus at the gateway to Not So Sane Dude's castle.
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*Scruffy, Que Pasa and Mr. T dash through the tunnels until they emerge back outside.*
Que Pasa: I think we lost them.
Scruffy: Guys... I don't think we should be on the road...
*A nun is seen approaching on horseback. Mr. T grabs Que Pasa and Scruffy, tackling them off the road. They hide behind a giant rock on the side of the road. The nun gets off her horse and sniffs the air around here. As she does this, Scruffy recieves the overwhelming urge to put on a chain. As the chain gets closer to being put on, the nun's sniffing gets closer to their location. But then Mr. T flings a rock to the other side of the road and distracts the nun's attention. The nun rushes off to investigate the noise as Mr. T leads Scruffy and Que Pasa through the field of rocks.*
Mr. T: (whispers) Be hella quiet, kids.
*The nun's screeches echo throughout the field. One of them suddenly leaps out from behind a rock and runs after them. Mr. T blows her horse down with his BFG, but the nun flips to safety and tackles Que Pasa to the ground.*
Que Pasa: AHHHHH AHHHHHH A NUN!!!!
Mr. T: (aims the gun at the nun) I don't think so, foo...
*A whole swarm of nuns leap on top of Mr. T before he can pull his trigger. they completely envelope him.*
Scruffy: Oh great, it's up to me... Flame on!
*Scruffy dodges a lawsuit as he flies forward and tackles the nun off of Que Pasa. She screeches as her robes catch on fire, and she quickly disintegrates.*
Que Pasa: Nice job.
*Whoopi Gholdberg appears from thin air wielding two rulers which shift into katanas.*
Whoopi: Ah, Captain Monkeyman Scruffy and First Mate Que Pasa. It will be a pleasure to seperate your vital organs from the rest of your body.
Que Pasa: I already sold most of mine for video game money though.
Whoopi: Whatever, let's just fight now.
*Que Pasa stabs at Whoopi with his pen, but Whoopi flips over him. She positions her fall to land on top of him with her swords pointed downwards so Que Pasa would be stabbed as she lands. However, Que Pasa lifts up his pen with both hands at a very fast speed to block both katanas at the same time and hold them there.*
Whoopi: It appears we've reached a stalemate. All our hands are busy, and the first one to let go will die.
Que Pasa: Who said I'd finish you with my hands?
*Que Pasa shifts his nose into a cannon and blasts Whoopi away. In the meantime Scruffy has been charging up his flames to incredible temperatures, so that now he looks like a great ball of fire. Scruffy skims along the surface at full speed and plows into Whoopi as she lands on the ground, completely incinerating her. Scruffy and Que Pasa high-five each other, and Que Pasa immediately pulls back his scorched hand.*
Que Pasa: Ow ow hot.
Scruffy: Sorry... Note to self: flame off BEFORE the high five.
Que Pasa: One of these days you'll remember.
Scruffy: Yeah, but don't you get the feeling we've forgotten about someone?
*Scruffy and Que Pasa look at each other in realization.*
Scruffy & Que Pasa: (in unison) MR. T!!!
*Scruffy and Que Pasa run back towards where they last saw Mr. T, only to find... Mr. T flexing his muscles, surrounded by dozens of nun corpses.*
Scruffy: Hey! You're alright!
Mr. T: Of course I am. I pity the nuns who tried to whip my ass.
Que Pasa: Well that takes care of anyone we may have forgotten... or does it?
*Elsewhere in the caves, Patten is still playing dead and decides that it's safe to get up. But then he hears footsteps.*
Patten: Who's there?
Richard Simmons: Your new instructor...
To be continued next time!
Author: Stampede[edit]
Last time, on DBZ!!!!! The th----
Stampede: Shut the fuck up!! *SHOOTS MANY BULLETS AT THE NARRATOR*
Siren: Holy shit! You killed him......how could you.....
Stampede: Sorry?
Siren: Let me finish my sentence, Mr. Rude. How could you kill him and not let me in on some of the action!?
Stampede: Umm....sorry? Again?
Siren: Whatever, let's just keep moving.
Stampede: Hey, where the fuck are we?
Siren: Good question.......
*WHEN THEY LOOK DOWN, THEY REALIZE THEY'VE BEEN WALKING ON MILLIONS OF CRUMBS*
Stampede: Wait a sec.... here Salama!! *WHISTLES* Here boy, come get the bacon!
*SALAMA COMES RUSHING OUT OF THE GROUND*
Salama: FOOD!!!!!!!!!!! *SALAMA EATS THE BACON AND BURPS REALLY LOUD*
Stampede: HA HA! Gross...... Anyways, where are the others Salama?
Salama: I can't talk dude, all I do is eat.
Stampede: Then what the fuck did you just do?
Salama: Uhh....umm....shut up!!
Stampede: *SIGH* Anyways, where's that 2 foot tall guy?
*SALAMA CONTINUES TO EAT*
Stampede: God this is pointless!!!
Siren: Hey there's a pond or lake or something......actually it may be a river.....or an ocean.....but now that I think about it....
*1 HOUR LATER*
Siren: Well before I go on a rant *STAMPEDE WAKES UP, SALAMA WAKES UP, 2 FOOT GUY IS FINALLY UNSTUCK TO SALAMA'S BACK* Anyone wanna go skinny-dippin'?
*EVERY GUY IS COMPLETELY AWAKENED NOW, AND LUPINE, QUE PASA, AND SCRUFFY SOMEHOW APPEAR WHERE WE ARE*
ALL MEN: SKINNY DIPPIN'!?!? Well if you insist.....stop copying me....no you stop....no you stop!!
Siren: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LETS GO SKINNY DIPPING!!!
*NEXT SCENE SHOWS EVERYONE IN THE WATER THING*
Stampede: Ya know, this really is a relief from these crazy ass unimaginable, even though we did imagine them, people we have to fight.....
*EVERYONE STARES AT STAMPEDE* ALL: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?
Stampede: Damn, I think That Krazy Dude had some effect on me before he left.....
*OUT OF NOWHERE, COMPLETELY DBZ STYLE, A BUNCH OF ENEMIES APPEAR, ONE OF THEM HOLDING SOMETHING REALLY SHINY IN HIS HANDS*
??? 1: ATTACK!!!
???2: FORWARD!! DON'T LET ANY LIVE!!!
??? W/ SHINY THING: ATTACK MY MINIONS!!!!
EVERYONE OF GCPA: OH SHIT!!!
Stampede: QUICK!! GET YOUR CLOTHES ON!!! EXCEPT SIREN, SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO IF SHE DOESN'T WANT!!!!
Siren: But then you guys would be blinded....
Stampede: *CUTS IN* Not since I created these!!! *HOLDS UP REALLY COOL LOOKING SHADES* I call them *DRAMATIC PAUSE* wait I don't have a name for them....
Que Pasa: Oh good job, with the dramatic pause FOR NOTHING!!!
Stampede: JUST PUT THEM ON!!!
Siren: Umm thanks....but I think I'll put on my clothes anyway....
ALL GUYS: Awwwwwwwww BOOOOOO!!!!
Siren: I'll take them off later...
GUYS: WE NEED THE CAMERAS!!!
Siren: Hehe....*UNDER BREATH* Hello lawsuit....
*THE GCPA MEMBERS REALIZE THAT THE ENEMIES ARE REALLY CLOSE*
Scruffy: CRAP!!! WE LEFT OUR WEAPONS ON THE SHIP!!!!!! ALL THATS THERE IS STAMPEDE'S BASS!!!
Stampede: That's all we need...*KNOWING SMILE*
Siren: Jeez, Stampede. All you have been doing is cracking these lame-ass jokes. you suck.
Que Pasa: Yeah man, seriously.
Scruffy: Yeah you do.
*ALL OVER THE CREW IS AGREEING ON HOW MUCH STAMPEDE SUCKS*
Stampede: Oh screw you all....and I suppose you don't wanna be killed right?
CREW: right....
Que Pasa: But what are you gonna do with your bass?
Stampede: Leave that to me....Que Pasa, there are plenty of rocks around that you can shoot at them. And for the rest, here are some pistols. *BASS BODY IS OPENED TO REVEAL MANY PISTOLS, CLIPS, AND GASOLINE*
Lupine: Where's my pistol?
Stampede: Screw that, use your spatula and crap....you and your gay chef's uniform....
CREW: Yeah, it is gay. *RANDOM AGREEING*
Lupine: Damn you....
Stampede: Besides, I'd rather give my last pistol to Nemo then you.... actually I'm lying...
Scruffy: By the way, where the hell is Nemo?
Stampede: Eh, hell if I know...
Siren: Hey guys, turns out that the Narrator was Nemo.... and Stampede shot the fuck out of him...
*THE CREW STARES AT STAMPEDE, THEN BREAKS INTO RANDOM THANK YOUS*
??? w/ shiny thing: WTF!?!? CAN WE FUCKING FIGHT ALREADY!?!?!?
Stampede: Eh, sure why not?
*STAMPEDE PICKS UP HIS GUN LIKE A WEAPON, WITH BODY FORWARD AS IF IT HAD A GUN BARREL*
Stampede: DIE ASSHOLES!!!! Literally....
Scruffy: Oh crap, they are assholes....
Siren: Haha, crap. Assholes.
*CREW HAS A QUICK LAUGH*
Que Pasa: I don't get it....
Stampede: Anyways, attack! *EVERYONE STARTS TO SHOOT THEIR PISTOLS, AS STAMPEDE USES HIS BASS' MACHINE GUN*
Scruffy: Crap, there's too many of 'em!!
Siren: Okay then, I got this!
*AS SIREN BEGINS TO LIFT HER SHIRT UP, THE ASSHOLES [still literally] PULL OUT MIRRORS*
Stampede: CRAP NO!!!! *AS THE REFLECTION OF SARAH FACES TOWARDS THE CREW, THEY ARE KNOCKED OUT, EVEN SIREN. ALL BUT STAMPEDE AND QUE PASA ARE KNOCKED OUT*
Siren: *RIGHT BEFORE SHE PASSES OUT* Wow.... I really.... am hot..... *PASSES OUT*
Stampede: Fuck.... Well Que Pasa, looks like this is u---QUE PASA DON'T STARE!!!
Que Pasa: Huh wha....*TAKES EYES OFF OF SIREN, WHOSE SHIRT IS STILL UP....*
Stampede: Like I was saying.... This is up to me and you Que Pasa....and whatever you do, don't take those damn glasses off..
Que Pasa: Why would I? They're cool as hell!
Stampede: I know, I made them.
Que Pasa: Conceited prick....
Stampede: Damn, I walked into that one....
Stampede: Ready, Que Pasa?
Que Pasa: Yeah I'm re- OH NOW I GET IT!!!! HAHA!!!!
Stampede: We're fucked......
To be continued (HOPEFULLY BY JOHN AND NO ONE ELSE) (UNLESS ITS YOUR SIDE, BUT LET JOHN TURN THIS PIECE OF CRAP I WROTE INTO SOMETHING SLIGHTLY BETTER AND ENTERTAINING)
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*Que Pasa and Stampede stand at the edge of the water bank, blasting assholes away with their weapons, but there's way too much.*
Stampede: This looks like the end!
Que Pasa: If you make it out, tell my wife I love her!
Stampede: What wife?
Que Pasa: (looks on his hand, where he's scribbled down reminders of basic info about himself) Oh wait, it says here I DON'T have a wife. My bad.
Stampede: Y'know, there's no way we could actually die here. Some improbable miracle will probably save us from certain doom.
Que Pasa: I don't think so. There's no way we could possibly escape from this dilemma.
*The Golden Cheesecake drops down from the sky, crushing all the assholes but somehow missing all of the pirates. Mr. T looks down from the wheel.*
Mr. T: There you are, foos! You left without your ship, and I had to fly helluva far to bring it back!
Que Pasa: Sorry Mr. T...
Mr. T: Oh I can't stay mad at you. Come on, I'll get you some ice cream!
Que Pasa: Yay yay!
*The Golden Cheesecake takes off, but they immediately notice something horribly messed up.*
Que Pasa: Hey that village of innocents near Count Gonad's castle is on fire!
Stampede: Oh no...
*Mr. T parks the Golden Cheesecake outside the burning village while Que Pasa and Stampede sort through the wreckage.*
Que Pasa: Who could have done this?
*They put out the fires, and Que Pasa heads straight for the security cameras.*
Que Pasa: Wait, Stampede. There is something I must know...
Stampede: If into the security recordings you go, only pain will you find.
Que Pasa: I must know the truth, Stampede.
*Que Pasa switches on the security camera and sees Darth Moose doing mad evil things to the village.*
Que Pasa: It can't be... it can't be...
*The camera shows Darth Moose meeting with Not Sane Dude.*
Darth Moose: The village of meaningless extras has been taken care of for dramatic effect, sir.
Not Sane Dude: Good... good... You have done well, my brother. Do you feel your power growing?
Darth Moose: Yes, my master.
Not Sane Dude: Now, Lord Moose, go and bring peace to our thingy.
*Tears well in Que Pasa's eyes.*
Que Pasa: I can't watch anymore.
*Que Pasa turns off the security camera.*
Stampede: Destroy the Sith ripoffs, we must.
Que Pasa: But we cannot destroy Krazy Dude! He's like a neglected brother to me!
Stampede: Twisted by the dark side, young Krazy Dude has become. The janitor you oppressed, gone he is... Consumed by Darth Moose.
Que Pasa: Eh, that works for me. Let's get a-killing.
Stampede: We don't even know where they are yet. Best to continue looking for the Crystal Skulls and wait for them to spring their trap. We'll be ready this time. Divided we could have easily been destroyed, but united we can whip their asses.
Que Pasa: Then we should join Lupine and the others looking for the skull on the ocean floor, and then we could all go after the last one together!
Stampede: Great idea, you're the best ever, man!
*Stampede notices that Que Pasa is chewing on a piece of chicken.*
Stampede: THAT WAS MY LAST CHICKEN TENDER MAN I'LL KILL YOU I HATE YOU YOU'RE THE WORST EVER, MAN!!!!
*Stampede begins strangling Que Pasa.*
Mr. T: That is why you fail, fool.
Author: Lupine[edit]
Through a plot hole, Lupine <now in his new outfit, a martial arts uniform with his swords strapped to his back and scrolls on his waist>, Jebus, eLFa , and Wally now find themselves facing off against Salama, in the cave of the Crystal Skull.
Lupine: I told you Salama, skulls aren't food. Especially crystal ones.
Salama : But it tastes so good!
Wally: I agree. Yes, I must say that it is good. My explanation for this outstanding taste in this skull is that one day I was trying to prove Einstein wrong, and I did so for I had fit a whole watermelon in my mouth, yes an entire watermelon. By doing so I let loose the Decepticons and Autobots which now seem to be working at Burger King which Cortez discovered in 1999. Yes it is because of this new theory that the skull tastes good.
Everyone: ...............................
Wally <while smoking pipe>: Now if you don't mind I think, now I shall try to assassinate Lupine.
Wally runs at Lupine but is stopped by the frying pan the Power Rangers dented.
Lupine: Stupid raccoon.
Out of nowhere, which came from nothingness, a blue figure that was a deeper shade of blue than the sky but not deeper than my mom's car had come suddenly which was sudd........::Narrator is cut off when Jebus shoots him, eLFa shoves her guitar into his gut, Lupine cuts him down, and Salama sits on him.::
Everyone: We said stick to the blooming script!
Blue Figure: Hahahahaha, you may have defeated my comrades in battle but I shall be victorious!
Lupine and Jebus: Shit, we forgot the blue one!
Blue Ranger: Yes, I still live and to defeat you I have sided with the Decepticons and am now a Transformer!
Megatron: Yes, now Decepticons attack!!!!!!!1
Blue Ranger transforms into a clown car and crashes into Lupine knocking him out cold. eLFa tries to bring him back, but is shot at when Jebus misses his target because Salama went crazy and tried to devour Megatron but was sadly stopped.
Megatron: Now we shall bring them to our master, Count Gonad!!!!!!!!
Yay Lupine has new clothes and Transformers are now involved! Join us next time for another adventure of Yu-Gi-Oh ::shit new narrator is worse::
Author: That Krazy Dude[edit]
In the meantime, Darth moose and That Not Sane Dude are in the room of Darth Tang.
Darth Tang and That Not Sane Dude are having a discussion while Darth Moose is sitting in a corner, being distracted by Darth Tang's dancing monkey.
Darth Tang: Have Moose's powers progressed any further, Sir Dude?
That Not Sane Dude: Yes master. But I fear something. His powers are growing stronger by the second. He has grown stronger than I, and he may very well be stronger than you in a matter of days.
Darth Tang: Stronger than I, you say? You do not even know half the extent of my powers!
That Not Sane Dude: But, master....
Tang: But nothing! If you continue to say these things, I will hurt your feelings with unkind words. Then I'll kill you.
Not Sane Dude: Yes master.
Darth Tang: Darth Moose! Come here. *Darth Moose walks over* Now, I wish for you to demostrate your powers for me.
Darth Moose: Yes, master. How do you wish for me to prove myself to you?
Darth Tang: Let's see.......*looks at That Not Sane Dude* You must kill your brother.
That Not Sane Dude: What!!!!??
Darth Moose: Are you sure, master?
Darth Tang: Yes, I am sure.
That Not Sane Dude: Hey! Don't I get a say in this?
Darth Moose: Darth Tang has spoken. His words shall be fulfilled! *picks up a lightsaber*
That Not Sane Dude: I shall not be upstaged by my younger brother! *picks up a lightsaber as well*
The brothers begin to fight like crazy. That Not Sane Dude swings at Darth Moose, but Moose flips over him and swings at him in mid-air. Not Sane Dude evades the lightsaber but just barely. Moose lands and launches a barage of attacks on Not Sane Dude. Not Sane Dude is barely able to defend himself from the attacks, and he finds himself at the edge of a balcony. Not Sane Dude staggers back, trips, and just barely manages to cling onto the edge of the balcony. He finds himself hanging off of a balcony with his brother, Darth Moose, staring down at him.
Darth Moose: The time for you to die has come, brother.
Not Sane Dude: No! Darth Moose! You must stop this nonsense!!!
Darth Moose: It is over for you. It is time to do the macarena like you've never hokey pokeyed before. The fat lady has eaten a sandwich, your Garfield has been fluffed!
All of a sudden, a stampede of wildebeests rages below Not Sane Dude. Darth Moose kneels down in front of his brother.
Darth Moose: So long, Mufasa....I mean.....so long That Not Sane Dude!
Darth Moose pulls That Not Sane Dude's hands off of the ledge and he plummets into the stampede and dies. Darth Moose walks back to Darth Tang.
Darth Tang: You have done well, Darth Moose. Your brother has been having doubts about your strength. He has been having fears about you. He has shown his inner coward. Because of this, he had to be killed. He was far too weak and would've dragged the both of us down with him in his weakness.
Darth Moose: I understand, master.
Darth Tang: Now we just have to wait until those fools from the Golden Cheesecake gather the skulls. They shall be defeated, and we shall have ultimate power!!!!!!!!!
Darth Moose: MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darth Tang: Hey, your brother was right. You do have a pretty good evil laugh.
Darth Moose: Thanks. So.....what now?
Darth Tang: I dunno......wanna order some Chinese?
Darth Moose: Okay.
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*The Transformers bring Lupine, eLFa, Salama and Jebus's restrained unconscious bodies towards Count Gonad's castle. They ring the doorbell, but there's no answer. They wait a while.*
Blue: Where could he be?
Lupine: I'm sure my friends took care of him by now.
Blue: (slaps Lupine with a rusty spoon) I don't think so fool! Gonad can be beaten by no mere pirates! Go back to being unconscious!
Lupine: Make me.
Megatron: What's this? Full force assault!
*All the Transformers shift into cars and slam into Lupine at the same time. But instead of causing him any bodily harm, it simply turns him back into his old form permanently and destroys his bonds.*
Lupine: Eh, whatever works.
*Lupine slices through the Transformers with his legs and donates the spare parts to charity. He then unties eLFa and Jebus, but decides to leave Salama's bindings on. After snatching the Crystal Skull, they all rush off.*
*Elsewhere, at the Golden Cheesecake, everyone who was knocked out by Siren's flash earlier had now woken up, and Scruffy was now taking attendance.*
Scruffy: Hm... where did Salama wander off to?
*Lupine, eLFa and Jebus run over to them with Salama in tow.*
Scruffy: Ah you found us! Did you use Jebus to track us? Or did Salama lead you here?
Lupine: Actually we just ran in a random direction and just happened to find you here.
Jebus: In retrospect one of those things you just said might have worked better.
Nemo: (explodes)
eLFa: And by the way, we got the Crystal Skull!
Scruffy: Excellent job! Now we just have one more left to find!
Siren: But we have no idea where it could be!
Que Pasa: Hey wait a second! Patten said he knew where it was!
Scruffy: Aw man... we left him on the moon.
Mr. T: Well, what are you waiting for, fools? Let's go!
*The Golden Cheesecake sets sail for the moon while on that very satellite in that very cave, Patten McGroin is being tortured by Richard Simmons's workouts.*
Patten: Please sir no more!
Richard Simmons: No way, weakling! Not 'til ya SWEAT!
Patten: I'm sweating now!
Richard Simmons: No, ya gotta sweat BLOOD!
Patten: Things just got disturbing...
Que Pasa: Let him go, Richard!
*Richard Simmons looks up to face Que Pasa, and Patten uses this opportunity to dash back to the crew.*
Richard Simmons: You turned him against me.
Que Pasa: You have done that yourself.
Richard Simmons: You will not take him from me.
Que Pasa: Your anger and lust for power have already done that. I challenge you to a figure skating competition, and the winner gets to not die plus a lifetime supply of Snapple.
Richard Simmons: You're on!
*Que Pasa takes Richard Simmons to the moon's skating rink. Simmons goes off and pulls off some funky fresh moves.*
Richard Simmons: You just got served.
Que Pasa: We'll see about that.
*Que Pasa goes up and does some even funkier fresh moves.*
Que Pasa: You just got served. You lose.
Richard Simmons: Alright, I guess you win... wait, where are the judges?
Que Pasa: Uh... damn, he's onto us!
Richard Simmons: Oh you will SWEAT!
Que Pasa: It was all his idea (points to Nemo)
Nemo: (sees Richard Simmons running angrily towards him) Not again...
*Que Pasa rushes back to the Golden Cheesecake, where the crew is waiting for him with Patten.*
Scruffy: How'd it go?
Que Pasa: START THE SHIP START THE SHIP!!!
*The Golden Cheesecake lifts off and quickly flies back to Earth. Richard Simmons leaps after it and just barely misses it before it leaves the Earth's atmosphere.*
Stampede: So Patten, apparently you know where the last Crystal Skull is.
Patten: Oh yeah, it's back on the moon.
Que Pasa: MOTHER-
Author: That Krazy Dude[edit]
*In the castle*
Darth Tang: Darth Moose, come here.
Darth Moose: Yes, master?
Tang: I'd like you to meet your new ally, the Pink Ninja.
*Pink Ninja walks forward.*
Darth Moose: Why are you pink?
Pink Ninja: It's not what you think it is. I am only able to see the color pink. I am colorblind to everything else.
Darth Moose: I see.
Tang: Demonstrate your powers for Darth Moose, Ninja.
Ninja: As you wish, sir.
*Darth Tang hands Pink Ninja a pillow and a soda can. Two soldiers are thrown into the room. Pink Ninja turns invisible and walks up behind the soldiers. He shoves one soldier's head into the can, suffocating him. The second soldier, now all alone, is just standing there in terror after seeing what happened to his comrade. Pink Ninja goes back to normal and beats the soldier over the head over and over again with the pillow. The soldier stops moving and lays dead on the floor.*
Darth Moose: Very impressive. It appears you are a valuable ally.
*A man runs into the room screaming and holding the mail in his hands.*
Pink Ninja: Look out! Terrorist!
*Pink Ninja summons Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson sends forth his army of little boys. The children accuse the man of rape while Michael Jackson dances and sings to "Beat It" while wearing only his underpants (I think you know why). The man stands there in terror while seeing this horrible sight. Pink Ninja then summons a battalion of grunts who ride into the room on llamas, firing at the man with their plasma pistols. The man dies.*
Pink Ninja: That took care of him.
*Pink Ninja walks up to the bag the man was holding and opens it. He turns it upside down and mail falls out.*
Pink Ninja: What?
Tang: That was our mail man. He has spasm problems.
Pink Ninja: Oops!
Tang: Anyway, it is almost time for our plan to be put into action. After the Golden Cheesecake Pirates get the last skull from the moon, they shall unleash the ultimate demons.
Darth Moose: Who are these "demons" you speak of?
Darth Tang: It shall be revealed in time. All I can tell you now is that they are the most fearsome demons this world shall ever see. They are even stronger than I. They are more horrible than the kind of things that make you cry out in the night like a little baby in its crib. They have the power to kill anyone and everyone they wish to destroy. They.....
*Doorbell rings.*
Darth Tang: Oh boy! Company!!!
*Darth skips off toward the door to see who his visitors are. Pink Ninja and Darth Moose look at each other in confusion and follow their master. Tang opens the door to see the Decepticons and the Blue Power Ranger there.*
Tang: What is the matter? Where are the pirates that you ventured out to capture?
Blue Ranger: They escaped, sir.
*Darth Tang glares at them all in an evil way. He slowly closes the door.*
Blue Ranger: You think he's mad?
Megatron: I'm guessing so. He seemed pretty mad. Hey, what's wrong with your head?
Blue Ranger: What do you mean? *head suddenly bursts into flames* AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Megatron: Damn. He's on fire. That must suck. Luckily for us, we have fire proof armor.
*Decepticons all stand there laughing. They suddenly explode from the inside.*
Darth Tang: That should teach them. Even though they can't learn a lesson from this since they're dead. Whatever.
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
Darth Tang: You have displayed your abilities, Ninja. Now leave us. I must speak with my apprentice alone. Return to the moon.
*The Pink Ninja vanishes into thin air with a bow.*
Darth Moose: What is it, my Master?
Darth Tang: It is time to see your progress.
Darth Moose: You already have, sir. I proved myself against my own brother.
Darth Tang: No... I wish to see how you fare against me.
*Darth Tang presses a button, and the Pet Shop Boys' "Opportunities" begins playing over the loudspeaker.*
Darth Tang: Strike to kill. I can take care of myself.
Darth Moose: Yes my lord.
*Darth Moose lunges at Darth Tang with his lightsaber, but Tang flips over and walks over to another balcony- this one overlooks a giant factory. Tang leaps from the balcony to a giant gear near the top of the factory. Moose follows and walks up the gear after him as the song's chorus kicks in, and Tang sings along.*
Darth Tang: I've got the brains, you've got the looks
Let's make lots of money
You've got the brawn, I've got the brains
Let's make lots of -
*Darth Tang slides down a slide while Darth Moose follows on a second slide.*
Darth Tang: I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks
My car is parked outside, I'm afraid it doesn't work
I'm looking for a partner, someone who gets things fixed
Ask yourself this question: Do you want to be rich?
*Darth Moose and Tang resume their battle on the factory floor, where Tang merely continuously dodges Moose's angry strokes.*
Darth Tang: I've got the brains, you've got the looks
Let's make lots of money
You've got the brawn, I've got the brains
Let's make lots of money
You can tell I'm educated, I studied at the Sorbonne
Doctored in mathematics, I could have been a don
I can program a computer, choose the perfect time
If you've got the inclination, I have got the crime
*Darth Tang leaps onto a conveyor belt which is loaded with random celebrities. Darth Moose once more follows Tang and attempts to attack Tang while dodging machines wielding syringes loaded with telemarketer DNA.*
Darth Moose: Oh, there's a lot of opportunities
If you know when to take them, you know?
There's a lot of opportunities
If there aren't, you can make them
Make or break them
*Darth Moose leaps forward with one burst of pure power at Tang, who stumbles over backward. His hood falls as Darth Moose holds his lightsaber over him. Moose is mesmerized by something on Darth Tang's face...*
Darth Tang: I've got the brains, you've got the looks
Let's make lots of money
Let's make lots of -
*Darth Moose attempts to stab Darth Tang, but he hesitates. So Tang uses the Force to slap the lightsaber out of Moose's hand and flings Moose into a distant wall with Force Lightning while the singer hums. Darth Tang climbs to his feet, and his face is illuminated by the furnace behind him. The face of Bob Saget. His creepy eyes glimmer with stunning brilliance. Darth Tang- Bob Saget motions to the army of celebrities infused with telemarketer DNA standing behind him.*
Bob Saget: You can see I'm single-minded, I know what I could be
How'd you feel about it, come and take a walk with me?
I'm looking for a partner, regardless of expense
Think about it seriously, you know, it makes sense
*Darth Moose climbs to his feet.*
Darth Moose: Let's...
Bob Saget: Got the brains!
Darth Moose: ...Make...
Bob Saget: Got the looks!
Darth Moose: Let's make lots of money!
Bob Saget: Ohhhh money!
Darth Moose: Let's...
Bob Saget: You've got the brawn
Darth Moose: ...Make...
Bob Saget: I've got the brains
Darth Moose: Let's make lots of money!
Bob Saget: Oohh money!
*Darth Moose walks up to Bob Saget.*
Bob Saget: I've got the brains!
Darth Moose: Got the brains
Bob Saget: You've got the looks!
Darth Moose: Got the looks
Bob Saget: Let's make lots of money.
Darth Moose: Oohh money!
*Bob Saget and Darth Moose lead the army marching across the factory floor.*
Bob Saget/Darth Moose: Money!
*The song ends.*
Bob Saget: Now you see the true power of the dark side- the power that made me from a tall man with creepy eyes into the Sith Lord Tang!
Darth Moose: I'm not worthy!
Bob Saget: Of course you're not, but one day you may be. All is proceeding as I have foreseen. We must prepare our defenses for the crew of the Golden Cheesecake.
Darth Moose: But what of the Crystal Skull monsters?
Bob Saget: I prepare for every eventuality. If they find this secret factory, I have some old friends here to deal with them.
*Gary Coleman, Bill Cosby, Cosby-Con, Christopher Lee and Whoophi Goldberg walk out from the crowd. Darth Moose stares uneasily at them.*
Darth Moose: Permission to exterminate one of them, Master?
Bob Saget: Yes, my apprentice, but only one. Recall how they tormented you and choose wisely. Release your hate on them.
*Darth Moose contemplates and comes to a decision. He blasts Bill Cosby back with Force Lightning until nothing remains of him.*
*Elsewhere The Golden Cheesecake spins around and heads to the moon again.*
Que Pasa: I'm never coming here again.
Scruffy: Silence first mate. We must focus on finding that last Crystal Skull.
eLFa: I sense great danger ahead. We could use all the help we could get.
No Name: Watch out!
*No Name comes from nowhere and strikes at what appears to be thin air- but then solidifies to reveal the Pink Ninja with a sword that was aimed at Scruffy until No Name blocked it.*
Stampede: No Name?!
Lupine: But I heard the navy executed ye!
No Name: That is what they'd have you think. But I survived all those five years of imprisonment, never cracking and giving away any secrets. Now I've finally escaped and tracked you down- by following Pinky here.
Que Pasa: (nods) No Name.
No Name: Que Pasa.
Pink Ninja: Micheal Jackson!
| Chapters in The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA |
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