Nichibutsu of America Page 6
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"Multi Disc Dilemna" by The Gamehiker
Ditto: Accursed Vorpal, beating me to my-
Intercom: (Secretary's voice) Bjorni is viciously fighting Masa and Mune out here, they all want to see you first.
Ditto: *sigh* Just what I need.... send them all in.
*the doors open and they all rush up*
Bjorni: Ifoundthediscwithflutterandtechnoeventhoughweknockedoverseveraldoors, andmasaandmunehavegonenuts, and-
Masa: Wemadethewebpage, andthenyouridiotemployeesbustedinandstoleourprogresstostealourpromotion, andwe'regonna-
Mune: Basically we have a very complicated and messed up plot going that is surely going to set us back for no apparent reason.
Ditto: Uh...
Mune: Allow me to elaborate. Bjorni stole our disc, foolishly thinking it was the one Vorpal stole (I need not discuss how I know this) but was actually not. This disc actually contains our website. The real disc was deposited in a vending machine named Bob.
Ditto: A vending machine... named Bob...?
Intercom: (Secretary) Sir, we have a problem. All the local managers from stores have come to protest.
Ditto: Whatever for?
Intercom: (S) They want their vending machines back.
Ditto: What!?
Intercom: (S) They all just applied for jobs here for the Kitchen Staff. *wrestling sounds are heard* (Elzie's Voice) HIRE THEM! THEN YOU WON'T NEED ME, I CAN DO REAL GAME DESIGNING!
Ditto: Hmm... tell the vending machines they're hired.
Intercom: (E) YES!!!!
Ditto: Tell Elzie she is fired.
Intercom: (E) WHAT!?
Ditto: Cooks aren't allowed to use the intercom. Good day. *turns to Masa, Mune, and Bjorni* Now how do we settle this... Bjorni, get back to fixing those doors. Masa, Mune... Let me see the webpage.
*they hand the disc over enthusiastically, Ditto pops it into his computer*
Ditto: Let's see here... huh... this isn't a webpage... Hmm, a Sword Fighting Game?
Masa: o_o;
Ditto: Interesting concept this....
Masa: o_O
Ditto: But this isn't what I wanted.
Masa: >_<
Ditto: THIS IS BETTER! Excellent, very nice. Ship this off to the storyline department and have them fill in some story... preferably about rescuing princesses or something.
Masa: And the promotion?
Ditto: Denied. This was supposed to be a webpage.
Masa: Crap.
Ditto: Now get out!
~Outside of Ditto's office~
Mune: You copied your stupid game instead of the webpage?
Masa: It was an accident, sorry! But what happens when Ditto finds out that game only had one level?
Mune: *evil grin* All new games are like that. The better a game, the shorter it is. Common logic, didn't you know?
"Evil Director of Human Resources." by Nintenfreak
Nintenfreak: Now, I've been fired before, and I can help you.
Elzie: How, exactly?
Nintenfreak: I've got these connections that landed me my job.. again. Let's see what they can do for you...
*Nintenfreak Pulls Rope that was dangling from his celing, and they both fall into a slide that takes them past the Tenth Level of Hell*
Nintenfreak: Your evilness, I have brought with me another employee that was recently fired.
Game Dæmon 1: Yes, Let us question the person in question.
Game Dæmon 2: Are you willing to devote your entire life to your Job, and your Work?
Elzie: Pbbbth, no.
Game Dæmon 3: Excellent. I think we have a position for you. Pull out the Wheel.
*Game Dæmon 4 pulls out a wheel with a man Strapped to it. He is then spun around, and his head lands on a section entitled Director of Human Resources.*
Game Dæmon 4: Excellent! You will become out new Direcot of Human Resourses.
Game Dæmon 5: Here's your costume. *hands Elzie a Dæmon costume.
Elzie: Do I have to wear this?
Game Dæmon 1: Not really, but it looks cool.
All Game Dæmons: No... GO!!!
Elzie and Nintenfreak are flung out back into Nintenfreak's office.
Elzie: Great, now I can turn this place into a Hades of my liking.
Nintenfreak: Isn't it one already?
Elzie: Like I said, "One of my liking."
"How Cheap is Cheap?" by Ditto McCloaker
Bjorni: *while fixing tube system* So, Ditto, at what point do you think we should tell Techno that the NICHE incorporates most of the technology the PHES had?
Ditto: *building house of cards* Oh, I dunno. Save it for his birthday I guess.
Bjorni: He got all furious even though he didn't even show it to you. He kept it to himself. Remember that around bonus time.
Ditto: Oh, we're way past the bonus stage here. *suddenly thinks of something as card house collapses*
Say, if we're going to begin making up the damage caused by Vorpalsoft's early release, we have to start now.
Bjorni: What do you mean?
Ditto: Assemble my troops! *slams button on desk*
~Everyone comes sliding out through the tubes~
Ditto: Alright, everyone. We need to repair Vorpal's damage with some advertisement! I want each of you to come up with some advertisements! Clever TV commercials, print ads, and... miscellaneous.
Lupus: Any limitations?
Ditto: Keep it cheap.
Luigi: What's our budget?
Ditto: Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeaaap.
Luigi: How so?
Ditto: You're each providing your own budgets.
*gaspses*
Ditto: Oh, all right. GIve me your proposals, and I'll assign budgets.
"The moral of the story: Just buy a NICHE..." by Luigi of the Pipes
Flutter: Ooh! I already have mine!
Ditto: (Oh dear L--) Okay, let's see it.
*Flutter pulls out a tape and slides it into the VCR.*
*A scene with Flutter looking longingly at a NICHE is shown.
Scene changes to Flutter standing near a kid with The EVILS in hand.*
Flutter: What're you buying?
Kid: Silly turtle. I'm buying The EVILS.
*Scene changes to a close-up on Flutter's eyes, with fire dancing in them, as a rock band plays in the background.
Scene changes to Flutter diving at the kid with murderous intentions.
Scene changes to Flutter holding the kid down on the ground and pounding on him.
Scene changes to Flutter staring longingly at a Niche.*
Flutter: The moral of the story: Just buy a NICHE...
All: O.o
Ditto: Uh... that was... entertaining...
Flutter: I know ^_^
---
Original film: [1] (It's not there anymore, but... well, history >.>)
Author: Nintenfreak
Ditto: So, Nintenfreak, what have you got for us.
*Nintenfreak hands in a Post-it with 'Buy the NICHE' scralled on it. Below it was taped a Farside Comic*
Ditto: Well, you certainly kept it cheap.
Nintenfreak: Hey, I had to go home and get the Scotch Tape and Post-It note.
Ditto: Okay, in your proposal, you said that you would have a Brilliant and unique promotional campaign.
Nintenfreak: And I delievered.
Ditto: You downed me 200 bucks. Give me the Money back!
Nintenfreak: Yeah, the thing about that... I spent it already.
Ditto: ON WHAT?!
Nintenfreak: Booze, mostly...
Ditto: that's it, you're Fire--
Elzie: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Ditto: And why not?
Elzie: Because you can't. You signed this waver stating that you may not fire any of your employees.
Ditto: No I didn't.
Elzie: Yes, I did. It was tacked onto all of the Budget proposals that you signed.
Ditto: Darn You.
Elzie: Hey, it comes with the Job Description.
Author: Yoshiman
Yoshiman: Okayokayokay, I got these postrs, and I was hoping to bootleg Luigi's printing press to get these out. . .
Ditto: Weren't you talking with the vending machines?
Yoshiman: Yeah, but you said 'advertise' so I ran up here.
Ditto: You're still bleeding on the carpet.
Yoshiman: *Tries to erase it with his foot, only making it worse* There. Now, this poster shows the evils of not buying the NICHE.
Ditto: *Looking it over* Very impressive! Now where's the subliminal message?
Yoshiman: The what?
Ditto: Well, there's no actual writing, it's just a big painting involving some kid on a skateboard.
Yoshiman: Ahhhh. . . yes! Yes, see, it's right there!
Ditto: I don't see anything.
Yoshiman: It's subliminal.
Author: LUPUS OF THE AGES
Ditto: Lupus, what have you got?
Lupus: Huh?
Ditto: Your advertising idea.
Lupus: My advertising what now?
Ditto: Don't tell me you haven't done it...
Lupus: Don't worry, I won't.
Ditto: I'm lowering your pay to two dollars a day.
Lupus: No, don't do that! Wait, I remember now! Yeah, my advertising idea. *shifts eyes* I'll just go and get it now. *runs from room and returns five minutes later, breathing heavily.* Here.
Ditto: Ah, your contract! How nice of you to remind me that I cannot fire you.
Lupus: No, look on the back.
Ditto: Eh? *turns contract over*
(There MIGHT'VE been a picture here, I dunno. It's not there anymore if there was)
Ditto: You expect me to believe this is the best you can do?
Lupus: Yes.
Ditto: You expect me to just... act like this is perfectly good work and immediately start putting it in magazines?
Lupus: Yes.
Ditto: You expected right! Good work. Now, Tech-
Lupus: I have another idea, too.
Ditto: Yes?
*two hours later*
VORPALSOFT RIVAL COMMENTS ON THE EVILS
Vorpalsoft rival Nechusomething has bitten back at the dominating company this morning, resulting in an angry outcry from EVIL fanatics.
"The EVILS is for 10 year olds," Nikechoso CO Ditto P McStoker said this morning. "If you're 20 or 25 years old, it's probably not a good idea to draw an EVILS out of your pocket on a Friday night in a public space." This is of course an impossibility as the EVILS is approximately two meters wide and needs two power plugs to supply power. However, Vorpal seems uncaring of this accusation.
"Ditto and his friends can say whatever they like," he says. "But we all know Ditto still wets his bed and lives with his parents."
More updates on Ditto wetting the bed as we get them.
Ditto: This is exactly what we didn't want!
Lupus: There's no such thing as bad publicity. ...Unless it's really bad publicity.
Author: sapphire
*later...*
Ditto sits in his office, contemplating.. his hands steepled together underneath his chin, he waits.. before pressing a button on his intercom.
*elsewhere*
Sapphire: Hrmph. This isn't what I came to do here at all. Testing control and bug editing indeed. I'm a writer, not a bug proceeser. Though I'm not complaining... nope. *whistles as she edits*
Intercom (D): Sapphire, can I please see you in my office.
Sapphire: *blinks* Uh, when?
Intercom (D): Now.
*Saph gets transported to the room*
Sapphire: *landing on the floor* There has GOT to be a better way.
Ditto: *rubs chin* Perhaps. But that will be dealt with in due time. At the moment.. I have an interesting proposition for you.
Sapphire: *listens*
[Meanwhile]
Masa: Hah! Using my own l33t skills in tackling technology, this therefore is the greatest company website ever.
Mune: All we need is a way to somehow take over this company, and Nichi will be ours!
Masa: We'll have to get a favorable 'in' with the boss first..
Mune: Say... does he have a vice president?
Masa: ..No. Not a real one, at any rate. Just an imaginary guy that we've never seen and are told to fear.
Mune: Hmmm...
Masa: Hmmm...
Mune: I've got it!
Masa: Me too!
Mune: We find this imaginary person and dispose of them, then secretly get someone to take their place..
Masa: But who?
Mune: One of us?
Masa: Perhaps we can get some help...
-*-
Sapphire: Why certainly. I think that such an opportunity would be grand indeed, Mr. McCloaker. When do I begin?
Ditto: It's already begun. You'll have your own private office on your own floor, and everything you need at your disposal, if you wish to work on your own project ideas. We're due to have a company ball, so we'll officially announce the news there.
Sapphire: Excellent.
Ditto: *nods* I'm sure with you as vice president, we'll be able to get more things done around here.
Sapphire: Now that's wishful thinking.
Ditto: Point taken.
-*-
Vorpal: Now what I need to do is cause dissention among the ranks... try to get them to join /our/ company and leak company secrets.
Goom: How do you plan to do that?
Vorpal: Why.. why.. offer them lucrative positions in /our/ company, of course!
Author: Luigi of the Pipes
"And the first issue of Crazy Climber was released, and there was much rejoicing."
Kid 1: *picks up a copy of Crazy Climber* The hey? Why put out a magazine for games that aren't even out yet?
Kid 2: Forget this. Let's go buy The EVILS.
*The kids walk past another kid, dressed in geeky clothes (buck teeth, taped glasses, freckles, a Super Mario hat, etc.) playing a demo of The EVILS.*
Kid 1: Check the loser...
Kid 2: If we're quiet, he won't see us...
Geek Kid: DUH-HYUCK! The EVILS is awesome!
Kids: >_<
Geek Kid: Nichibutsu sure can't top squiggly lines and four frame per minute action like this!
Kids: ???
Kid 1: Hey! I thought they said that The EVILS was supposed to be good!
Geek Kid: It shore is! Here... *pulls out coupons* Take these coupons for the NICHE, which will be released next week. I shore won't need 'em! *wipes nose on sleeve*
*The kids take the coupons and leave.*
Kid 1: Only seven days until it comes out? Maybe we should pick up the super-cheating powers of that Crazy Climber magazine after all.
Kid 2: Dang. The EVILS is The DUMPS. Who knew?
*Geek Kid takes off his disguise to reveal Ditto, who heads back to Nichibutsu, Inc.*
Ditto: The plan worked perfect.
Saph: I knew it would. When did you tell them it was coming out?
Ditto: Next week.
Saph: N-next week!? But the Internet sites, the store ads, the TV commercials! They have to know this stuff months in advance!
Ditto: Ah, they'll make the time. What's our starting line-up?
Saph: Well, we have Crazy Climber X...
Ditto: . . . And?
Saph: And, uh, a game about a dog jumping through a hoop.
Ditto: Huh? And...?
Saph: That's it.
Ditto: THAT'S IT!?
Saph: And those are far from completion. The programming is made up of...
Ditto: Squiggly lines and four frame per minute action?
Saph: Yup.
Ditto: NOOO! What have I done!?
TV Reporter: And in other news. Nichibutsu of America, Corp., Ltd., has "officially" decided that the release date of their new video game console, the NICHE, will be one week from now. There is no information on what games they plan to release with the system, or even if they have a design for the console yet. The gaming community is unnerved, but has surprisingly restrained themselves from buying Vorpalsoft's The EVILS, saying that it is a console for "babies and broken-glasses". More news as the mystery Nichibutsu console is released.
Ditto: Ack! DOOMED!!!
Saph: I can see where this is going to take a woman's touch.
***
Masa: The NICHE's coming out next week, eh?
Mune: Heh heh. Grandpa's gonna have Ditto's head for this.
Masa: Yeah. Good thing he didn't put a release date on the webpage, too.
Mune: You know...
Masa: Hmm?
Mune: If we get Ditto out of this mess, it's a perfect bargaining chip for us to replace the illusory Vice-President with ourselves.
Masa: Aww, but I like watching Ditto go all fire panic on us.
Mune: *shakes his head* I can see where this is going to take a dwarf's touch.
Masa: *snortchuckle* Okay, I'm coming.
***
Yoshiman: Ditto's releasing the NICHE already? But he hasn't even read past page 752 of my game ideas!
Lupus: Sweatdop I wonder if Vorpalsoft is still hiring...
***
Nintenfreak: This ain't good.
Elzie: What can we do?
Nintenfreak: Let's ask... The Game Dæmons!
*Nintenfreak pulls out an NES controller and presses start. Game Dæmon 1 enters.*
Game Dæmon 1: Why doth thou summon me?
Nintenfreak/Elzie: *get on their knees and bow* Oh great Game Dæmon 1...
Game Dæmon 1: Arise.
Elzie: *gets up* Master Ditto has doomed the company. He means to release the NICHE in seven days.
Nintenfreak: And without the vending machines doing what vending machines are... uh, supposed to do, I have to go all the way to Wal-Mart just for a pack of Skittles.
Game Dæmon 1: Remember the secret to success, my children.
Nintenfreak/Elzie: It's all in the contracts. Signature Here
Game Dæmon 1: I can see where this is going to take a dæmon's touch.
***
Flutter: ARGH! Stupid... vending machine... stole... my... QUARTER! *kicks vending machine repeatedly*
Bob the Vending Machine: OW! OW!
Björni: Flutter sir! That vending machine doesn't even take quarters!
Flutter: It does when it picks your pockets! *keeps kicking*
Bob: I thought... OW... that I dropped my... OW... quarter in your... OW... pocket! Heh heh heh...
Flutter: Oh? Sorry about that. *pulls out wallet* You must have dropped this in my pocket too, then. *sticks wallet in Bob's shirt pocket*
Bob: Not a problem. Heh heh heh...
Björni: Sweatdop Shouldn't you be getting to work, Mr. Flutter? The NICHE comes out next week.
Flutter: Work... riiiiight... Look! A zoo! *runs*
Björni: . . . Does he realize that we never looked?
***
Techno: The NICHE comes out in seven days? But it is not ready! I shall take matters into my own hands, for the good of this company!
*Techno picks up his Portable Holographic Entertainment System.*
Techno: A couple of adjustments, and the PHES will be ready! Ditto will be so happy, he'll be sure to give the parole people a good report!
*Techno throws his head back and laughs.*
Techno: I can see where this is going to take a doctor's touch.
***
Luigi: Ha! I'm sure glad Ditto didn't fund Crazy Climber now! Maybe I can change it into a comic book series before it's too late...
Author: Yoshiman
****
Yoshiman: MISTER DITTO, YOU'VE GOT TO- *Runs into a door that opens in the hallway, scattering fifty reams of paper everywhere* ACK! *Gathers everything up and goes quickly into Ditto's office*
Ditto: Alright, alright, one more game, but then that's it for today; I'm way too busy. . . Hmm. . . Pirates and zombies? Ninjas, too?
Yoshiman: I didn't make a game like-
Ditto: BRILLIANT!
Yoshiman: No wait, these are pages 44, 881 and 2134. . .
Ditto: This'll be on our lineup immediately!
Yoshiman: But this is incomprehensible! You can't make a puzzle/action/FPS/sports game-
Ditto: You're heading the team to make this.
Yoshiman: BUT I DIDN'T- *Is sucked up through a tube* AAAAGH!
Author: Lupus
*Later, the new assembled group, headed by Yoshiman the dictator, bend around a small table in a dank basement of the Nichibutsu HQ, due to their offices being shut off with a Sars outbreak, listening to Yoshiman give a very long and very boring rant.*
Yoshiman: It is our mission here today to do what me, my grandma, and her grandma before her’s destiny was. No, not to slave drive my fellow work mates to insanity! *laugh track* No, but rather to create the ultimate gaming gem the world has ever seen! And I’m not willing to argue on the fact that Ditto completely misinterpreted my ideas into some ridiculous compound of rubbish, but nevertheless we must make haste and begin to take the gaming world by storm. Nay – not the gaming world! The EVERYTHING WORLD! And then when we’ve conquered the entire world we’ll have nowhere to go with from there and then we’ll begin to wish we’d aimed lower originally, like a small town, so our power trip would have lasted longer! But I digress; we’re all gathered here today by fate! Or actually we’re probably not as I wouldn’t care less if you were replaced with anyone else but it sounds more dramatic if I put it that way. So we must begin our campaign to strike back at the evil world that has devoured my self-righteous consciousness and me to the extents that I am now just a vegetable at death’s door! A vegetable who is absolutely useless to the entire world! *fighting back tears* I will not let this evil world take away what I have left! You may all have had food on your plates when you were younger! But I didn’t even have the plates! I didn’t even have the table, or the house! I barely had proper breathing air! I was that poor and helpless! Who, I ask you, WHO do you think I had to help me through my life? NO-ONE, that’s who! What were we talking about again?
Lupus: You were blabbering on about how we need to make this game.
Yoshiman: Oh yes. As I have doubtlessly put forward unto thou already, we must do this for the future of all mankind! We must rise above all and take down...
*hours pass*
Yoshiman: ...and then the Pirate King Frankenstein is finally defeated in a heartstopping showdown of Gaelic Football by the Ninja Posse after their climactic battle with the Zombie Tetris-Nazis on Mt Evil. Right, so you’re all clear on the details?
Flutter: I completely forgot what you said after the bit where the spiky haired teenage robot clone gets a mission from God after waking up from a nightmare in his small mostly unknown hometown which is in danger of being hit by a meteorite.
Lupus: I couldn’t even remember that bit.
Yoshiman: Listen, it’s simple. We just throw every blatant rip off we can into one package and present it to Ditto by the end of the week! He won’t know the difference!
Lupus: My computer takes longer than a week to boot up.
Yoshiman: Just use someone else’s.
Nintenfreak: I sold mine.
Techno: I dismantled my computer as protest against Ditto and his outrageous prejudice against my genius.
Flutter: You guys had computers?
Yoshiman: So none of you have anything to work on? DITTO! I need a word with you!
*seconds pass*
Yoshiman: *looks around angrily at the shabby basement* Well, I never really expected that to work.
Flutter: What are we supposed to do?
Yoshiman: That... is a good question. Try to configure a way of the Tetris pieces can use cool FMV-powered magic against each other.
Flutter: Ooh, FMV! What a fresh idea!
Nintenfreak: I have a pretty good idea. Maybe one of the spells can be like, FIRE, and another can be sorta like ICE.
Yoshiman: Perfect!
Nintenfreak: My work here is done. *heads towards the door*
Yoshiman: Nintenfreak, don’t think just because I’ve done most of your work for you that you can just sneak away! You’ll be the new courier between the cafeteria and our workshop. Techno, you can be the one who breathes down everyone’s backs as they’re working saying ‘hmm’ and ‘ahh’ because I’ll be too busy playing my SNES to do that. Lupus, you can do everything else. *clicks fingers, and a truck drives out of plothole and dumps its whole load of writing paper onto Lupus’ head*
Lupus: I can’t help but think I’ve been jipped.
Yoshiman: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the 16-bit midi pumping out of my own personal stereo system.