GCPA Finale Chapter 2

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

So many adventures couldn't happen today

So many songs we forgot to play

So many dreams swinging out of the blue

We let them come true

Forever young

I want to be forever young.

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever

And ever

Forever young.

Cold Opening

*Que Pasa sits quietly at a bus stop in the middle of the ocean. The escape boat is violently lodged in the side of said bus stop.*

Que Pasa: (pauses, checks broken watch) Hm.

*After several minutes of silence, a small senior citizen bus pulls up nearby, and Que Pasa boards it.*

Que Pasa: Attention crew! This bus is now property of the Que Pasa Cheesecake Pirate Armada! You are all my respective bitches! Take us to our first village ta pillage and rape, and pillage again. Then, Burger King.

Bus Driver: Get to your seat please.

*Que Pasa sits next to an old man.*

Que Pasa: How do you do?

Old Man: Oye chico, sabes que tienes un gato muerto por toda tu cara, no? (points to Pasa's beard)

Act One

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Presents...

*Opening credits.*

Morgan Freeman: Doo do, doo do doo!

The End Complete, Part II: Vaginas in the Outfield

*Shots of empty streets.*

Voice: We live in a world where anything can happen. That's great and all, but it's also kinda homo. Just look at all those dumb pirates running around the world and doing nothing. While us Vikings, we do the real hard work.

*Screen changes to show a slim and above average height albino man with his blonde hair in a crew cut. He is in a regal setting and posing with one foot on a chair*

Voice: I'm Sir Ian Wallace, but my Viking buds call me Donner. And I'm gonna be your new president. You know why? Cuz you're gonna vote for me, that's why. Sonned!

*Donner shifts into a more comfortable position and sits in the chair.*

Donner: We here in the Viking party have a plan for the new world. And when I'm in office, I will assure you that the following social problems will be dealt with swiftly and decisively: overpopulation, stupid people, money, hippies, love, stupid pets, healthcare, children being fucking wimps (refer to our new child labor proposals), stupid celebrities, insobordination and most importantly stupid pirates. They can't even organize themselves enough to pick their own tampons, much less a presidential candidate. You know how persuasive I am? I was knighted Sir Ian Wallace by Princess Diana. AFTER she died. So vote for me, and let the Viking flame burn across our land forever.

*An image of Sandy Claws appears as the screen pans out to show this commercial on a television screen in Stampede's room. Stampede lays sprawled across his bed.*

Stampede: (half asleep) don wan any tacos...

Sandy Claws (on TV): I'm the Viking King, and I approve this message.

*At that point, a fireball smashes through Stampede's window.*

Scruffy: Wake you, you lazy fool! It's time for the captain's games!

Stampede: (flips over in bed) don' wanna...

Scruffy: But you must! Your name was found in the basket of non-fire!

Stampede: Wake me up when it's night.

*Feeling an unusual amount of sunlight in his eyes, Stampede opens his eyes to see Scruffy looking down at him, and the Sun shining down above. Salama then drops Stampede's bed on the deck, with Stampede sliding out in his pajamas.*

White Panther: (chuckles) Nice boxers, guitar hero.

Stampede: Shut it, sub human! By the way Cap'n, haven't you noticed something a little... different about our line-up today?

Siren: Yeah... there's no gaping absence in our ranks or anything? Someone you especially miss today?

No Name: There's no man you loved more than the sea itself who isn't here today? Nothing strange whatsoever?

Scruffy: (rubs forehead in silence) Shiny Stallone will be missed. Now, calm down with the shenanigans. Let's see who our next candidate is. (reaches into hat and pulls out a paper) We have... No Name! Step up man!

*No Name steps up and grabs the paper, looking very emotional.*

No Name: I would like to thank Batman first and foremost, for saving me when I was two from that daddy long legs in the forest. I would also like to thank The Almighty Guz, who has smiled down upon me once more for this great fortune, like a coconut that falls from a very tall tree and goes on to inspire Newton to invent gravity. I will install a Bender beer maker for the lounge and arrange weekly dance-offs to improve crew morale. Also-

Scruffy: (stuffs No Name into a wind vent) Alright, our next candidate is the one and only... (tosses out several with Que Pasa's name on them) Skanky Siren!

Siren: Huh? Oh um, yay! That... could be fun.

Karl: Captain Cleavage! Hold on, I gotta trademark that... (starts to run to his pimp computer)

Scruffy: Hold on a second, Karl, your name's here too!

Karl: I know that bitch, and I will win this. I will show my skills as a natural leader, or my name is not Karl Obama Smith!

Scruffy: And last but possibly least... (Lupine sits up in anticipation as he pulls out another paper) Wallace L. Raccoon!

*Wally leaps out from its current lurking place in Lupine's shower and begins to dance.*

eLFa: What an adorable raccoon!

That Krazy Dude: It'd look better mounted on my beaver. The crossbreeding will be amazing.

Lupine: But... I put in my name!

Scruffy: But then crossed it out to put in Wally's name. The paper does not lie.

Lupine: (facepalms) I still want to compete!

Scruffy: Too bad you won't be examined.

*Lupine grunts in anger and karate chops a table... with Wally having placed another beaker of acid directly beneath his dropping hand.*

Lupine: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Scruffy: I don't care. Now for a rundown of your actual mission. See here, you all will be sent on a very important mission to the ninja headquarters. It will be up to the four co-captains to coordinate the rest of the crew in attempting to search for the ninja's most sacred possessions, for us to study intensely afterwards.

Karl: Another panty raid? Bawlin'.

One-Armed Willy: Wait, what are you gonna do your Scruffyness?

Scruffy: I shall commune with the spirits of the boat to discover its secrets, nothing too special. For this purpose, I have hired a celebrity guest to watch and judge the performance of all four of you. Ladies and gentlemen... this guy.

*Kevin Sorbo steps out from a sacred light.*

Kevin Sorbo: To start, I shall state my secret thoughts: sometimes I wish I was Brendan Frasier.

Edwin: Right now, so do I.

Kevin Sorbo: Now, are we all ready to go?

Stampede: Yeah, what are you driving us there man?

Kevin Sorbo: Somewhat. Everyone grab a muscle.

*The eighteen pirates awkwardly surround Kevin Sorbo and grope a different muscle. Scruffy overlooks all of this.*

Scruffy: Good luck, my pirates. Do me proud. Roshtabaka!

*They all nod simultaneously as Kevin Sorbo's biceps glow, and then in a golden light they are all gone.*

Scruffy: (looks into a communicator watch) ...Very well. It is time I started my mission.

Mr. T: (on the watch) Damn well time fool! Discovering the secret past of this ship is a key link to defeating Saget.

Scruffy: I'm still not sure how that works.

Mr. T: Just do it fool Fool mcintheFool, and don't touch my gold!

Scruffy: How is your mission going, Chocolate Ursaring?

Mr. T: As damn well fine as it could! I have reached Crevice Island, which is believed to be Saget's remains' current location. T won't be able to call you gain til I fool foolin' complete my mission! Drink your milk!

Scruffy: I will, Mr. T. Scruff out. (clicks off watch) And now, it's time to meet my destiny.

Morgan Freeman: As he said that, Scruffy walks towards the hatch leading into the deep, dark innards of the ship that once was the Blood-Red Eclair. What appeared to be hellfire awaited him beneath. Scruffy nodded solemnly and stepped down into the ship, with the hatch snapping suddenly above him. On the other end of the watch, Mr. T's van ripped through the villages of the small island.

Mr. T: Darn foolin' fool Saget, gotta show himfoolself sooner nor later!

*A loud crunch is head as T's van impacts something.*

Mr. T: Something that damn fool stops T's van instead of being sent flying hella far by it? Could be Saget don't touch my van!

*Mr. T downs a bowl of Orphan-os with milk in one gulp for stamina and then he somersaults through the window, landing on his feet and aiming the shotgun at what appears to be Dave Coulier, who seems to be examining the damage to the car peculiarly.*

Mr. T: You just a fool fool follower. I ain't got business with you! Stay in school.

Dave Coulier: Interesting. You always were one for the flashy and obvious attacks... rushing in headfirst without heed of the dangers you may be facing. Teurad, you never did understand the superiority of the stealthy and subtle-ass approach.

Mr. T: Who taught you that damn name, boy? Lawrence Teurad be a fool's name, T's name is Mr. T sucka!

*Mr. T goes to crush Dave Coulier's ribs with his vice-like hands, only for his hands to snap back with pain before touching his skin. Dave Coulier looks strangely puppet-like, with weird piercings on his body.*

Dave Coulier: Surprised, Laurence? It's me, your oldest friend. Robert Lane Saget. As you can see, I've found such a wonderful new method of protecting my soul from you finishing it off.

*John Stamos leaps from the water, transforming from vampire mermaid form to man form (which is shaggy enough to resemble a werewolf) instantly, with the same weird piercings and dead eyes as Coulier.*

John Stamos: By splitting it six ways, I could inhabit new bodies and give them powers that don't make sense. (licks a knife)

*The Conjoined Olsen Twins rise from the ground, wearing a miner's cap.*

Olsen: Luckily my friends were on hand to lend me their bodies as whorecruxes. Them not wanting to was not a matter.

Mr. T: This be some damn fool' blasphemy!

*Kimmy Gibbler steps out from the shadows with giant feet.*

Kimmy Gibbler: Maybe you're the blasphemy. One day, everyone will share my soul. And all will be good.

Mr. T: Over ma dead fool body, stay in school!

*The little boy Teddy, steps forth.*

Teddy: School will stay in you, soon. Face it, Laurence. You're done for.

Comet the Dog: (barks)

*All six close in around Mr. T, who grips his shotgun tightly.*

Dave Coulier: I have you outnumbered... by a full house.

Mr. T: (glares) Really, Fool?

Act Two

*Elsewhere, Kevin Sorbo materializes in the middle of Ninja-Land, on the roof of the ninja fortress. Everyone immediately releases their grip save for Siren, No Name, Salama and eLFa.*

All Four: So firm...

*Then like a million ninja darts rain down on the crew. Everyone scatters in various directions, with the aforementioned four reluctantly releasing their grips on Sorbo's flesh. No Name, Stampede, Karl and Siren all glare at each other competitively as the race begins, then they each somehow pants each other at the same time as they begin to run, causing them all to trip over their pants. They all quicky rise, pulling up their pants clumbsily as they run off. As for Sorbo, he smirks as the darts that hit him are merely absorbed into his flesh. Several eyes then emerge from his body and follow the various crew members while he lays down and begins to tan himself.*

No Name: Alright, those smart enough to have gone behind me (that's what she said!), now follow me carefully! (turns around and finds no one) DAMMIT!

*No Name then stomped down on the paper mache surface, which gave way beneath him, and he began to fall with a high-pitched scream.*

Stampede: Alright, roll call.

*Stampede is now hunched over in some bushes with a rifle aiming out towards the fortress.*

Frenchie: Oui oui mon kinda-capitain, I am here in ze physizal zenze of ze word, no?

Siren: Ooh ooh, I'm here too! Why can't I do the roll call?

Stampede: I stepped up, I initiated it first. But hey, I don't even want to do this stupid thing.

White Panther: (attempting to dislodge a ninja pancreas from her claws) Yeah, I'm here too.

Stampede: Didn't ask, don't care.

Salama: SALAMASALAMA IS HERE SIR! I NEVER TAKE VACATIONS AND I EXPEL ALL SIN FROM MY BODY!

Nemo: Um, is anyone gonna ask if I'm here? I am here if anyone cares. Me! Nemo!

Stampede: Nemo, did you not hear me fucking make the roll call? It applies to everyone!

Nemo: Geez, okay, quit bitching about it! I'm just pointing out my presence and we could have just left it at that, but nooo you have to make it an argument!

Stampede: I'm gonna take one of those ninja's blades and fucking cut your mouth out if you don't shut up and let me think, fucking Nemo!

Nemo: Just like that time you didn't invite me to that one raid- (Stampede glares) Fine. What the hell are we supposed to do now anyway?

Stampede: Alright, here's the plan- we do this MGS style. We're gonna need a bunch of cardboard boxes to hide underneath.

Siren: What if we all wear dresses? That we they'll think we're all just girls like them!

Stampede: Do you see a dress tree?

Siren: Do you see a cardboard box tree?

White Panther: Um hey guys

Stampede: Do YOU see a dress tree?

Siren: No, do YOU see a cardboard box tree?

White Panther: Guys

Stampede: But do YOU see a dress tree?

Siren: I don't know, but YOU see a cardboard box tree?

White Panther: Heyyyy

Stampede: Really. But do you see a dress tree?

Siren: The question he is, do you see a cardboad box tree?

White Panther: (roars) QUIET GUYS! (everyone mellows) Thank you. Now-

Stampede: Let's let the sub human speak everyone!

White Panther: QUIET! Now... guys... I have one of those solutions that's kinda both together.

*Several moments later, Frenchie approaches the ninja fortress. There are several large lumps in her dress, many of which are moving.*

Nemo: (his head briefly pops up from under the dress) I can't breathe! (! appears above his head and he withdraws his head once ninja approaches)

Ninja Chick: Halt right there pirate!

Frenchie: Um... no! I am, you see, a new appleecant! I wizh to convert and leave zese pirate ways behind me!

Ninja Chick: Very well. I shall show you towards the initiation area.

*Underneath the dress Stampede, Siren, White Panther, Salama and Nemo shuffle around and try to move with Frenchie.*

Salama: This is slightly innappropriate sir!

Stampede: Screw you, this as close we can get to hiding under a cardboard box, and you will respect it!

Salama: Yes... yes, sir.

Nemo: There had to have been a better way to sneak in!

White Panther: Like what?

Stampede: I can't think of any other way... except for an extremely badass way. But no one in this crew can pull that off.

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere...

*Karl, wearing a pair of shades, crosses his arms and nods while facing the door to the ninja complex.*

Karl: Do it.

*That Krazy Dude lifts up a janitorial cart-mounted missile launcher and blasts the door down, the missile sliding right past an unflinching Karl and making an overcoat that he is only wearing for this one shot flow in its wind. A horde of ninjas rush out shouting, but Lupine then drops down from behind and delivers them justice with his feet, kicking down ninja after ninja while ADD knocks many out with a bo staff he has and is a professional with out of nowhere.*

Karl: Next.

*Edwin and One-Armed Willy toss their skateboards to Mini-Myself, who uses his powers to make the skateboards grow to fit multiple people. Edwin and Willy each board one and begin riding them into the fortress. Mini-Myself and ADD leap onto Edwin's board, while Lupine and That Krazy Dude leap onto Willy's. As the boards pass him, Karl leaps into the air and lands so that he has one foot on each board (the boards close enough that this looks awesome rather than painful). More ninjas spill out, only to be either mowed down by one of the boards or shot up by That Krazy Dude's janitorial cart-mounted machine gun.*

Karl: (points forward) Panty safe ho.

*A giant vault door awaits at the end of the hall. Everyone on Edwin's board, save for Edwin himself, leaps off of the board while the other board comes to a halt. Edwin then quickly transmutes the skateboard into a giant bomb on wheels and leaps from it as it hits the vault door and explodes explosively. They then all walk in and behold walls of panties. However, one lone buff ninja man stands in their way.*

Ninja Guy: HUWAAAAAAA!!!

*Karl remains unphased, still in the same stance he had been in outside. The ninja guy rushes at him, swinging deadly chainsawchucks around but just as he reaches Karl's range, Karl's hand shoots out and through the guy's heart. The ninja collapses in a pool of blood.*

Lupine: How come only dudes get gruesome deaths?

Karl: The world needs its hoes, Lupine. I hope someday you understand that. And by the way (looks down at his shirt) Nice plan, man.

Wally: (pops out from Karl's shirt and grins in flatterment, showing all teeth each having at least one piece of Lupine's skin from throughout his lifetime on it)

Morgan Freeman: Back at the ship, Scruffy finds himself in a strange monochrome world, standing in someone else's shoes addressing a roundtable. Looking ahead, he saw what appeared to be younger-looking versions of Mr. George Feeny and Morgan Freeman. Clyde was there too, but he looked the same age as always. He found himself slamming the table, as well as speaking in an Irish accent.*

Scruffy: Alright ye blubbering fools, there's no more avoidin' it. They've been callin' for every last damn pirate in the sea to counter the Viking forces now that the pirate king's done and gottin himself assassinated.

Morgan Freeman: "That's tough luck, my friend", I say with gravity that is appropriate for the situation. I watch my captain pace, trying to judge his next move, but it is in vein. Our captain is a very unpredictable fellow.

Scruffy: (flicks his hands) An' ye're a very predictable smartass, Blood-Voiced Morgan! Have ye a better suggestion, Death Knuckles Feeny?

Young Feen: I've looked over the charts over and over again. It's hopeless. I just don't see any way our pirate forces can overpower the Vikings' sheer brute force and power.

Clyde: I'm afraid he's right. Laying low is the only I see us having a future in our lives.

Scruffy: I know, I know... (he clenches his fist and feels it warming) But I just can't stand down against any odds! Why are you all willing to sit by and let our entire pirate world fall apart?

*As all this happens, a humble dark-skinned janitor mops the floor nearby.*

Janitor: You know, in times of trouble, faith can always give us strength. Even against odds that are overwhelming. Don't mind me though.

Scruffy: Did something just speak, Monster-Thighs Clyde?

???: Laurence just made a brilliant suggestion. The Vikings receive powers and blessings from their Norse gods.

Scruffy: True. Perhaps there is something to all this faith nonsense. But we pirates don't have any gods, do we First Mate Lane?

*Scruffy rotates his head to see a familiar face. Bob Saget looks similar to his present self except with somewhat longer hair, although it is thinner as it gets longer. His eyes also lack that disturbing glint. In fact, he looks relatively like a normal person.*

Robert Lane: No, Captain, we don't. Not yet.

*Scruffy blinks and is back in the "real" world, within the dank and creaky chamber of the ship. The corroded remains of a conference table were covered in insects which Scruffy torched instantly, realizing he was back in his body and in the present.*

Darth Curry: Yo, you know too much.

*Scruffy looks over to see Darth Curry is sittin in a roller coasteresque cart that is on rails leading deeper into the ship. There is an empty seat next to Curry.*

Scruffy: What are you doing here, boy?

Darth Curry: Helping you find the secrets of this ship with absolutely no ulterior motives at all, no siree.

Scruffy: Okay. (hops into the cart next to Curry)

Darth Curry: Now, mush! Mush! (punches the cart, and it begins moving)

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere, in the ninja throne room, the short but hot ninja queen Vagineta is approached by one of her subordinates, known as Hitonomi. As she speaks, two slave men are shining her feet while another two are shining her chest.

Vagineta: Have the pirate intruders been finished yet? I have some very delicate items that I would not like them to stain.

Hitonomi: They have evaded us for now my mistress, but we have captured one. He was stupid enough to fall through the roof and into the Chamber of Dogs and Broken Glass.

Vagineta: Bring him in, so I may tame him like the stupid pirate he is.

*No Name is shoved into the room, and proceeds to pull up his pants.*

Vagineta: Don't thing I'll go easy on you because you're sexy. Why were your pants down anyway?

No Name: I don't know. I never know...

Vagineta: I don't care. You are my property now, once my boyfriend returns with your leash.

No Name: Boyfriend? Leash? Are?

Vagineta: Yes, those are all words. And here he is.

*A vibrant blur slides past No Name and into Vagineta's arms.*

???: Here ya go babe.

Vagineta: Oh you.

No Name: Oh you. YOU!

Pink Ninja: (pulls his tongue out of Vagineta's mouth and looks down at No Name) Oh... you.

Hitonomi: What's going on?

Vagineta: I don't know. Hitonomi, go take care of that new client who has suddenly come to request our services today.

Hitonomi: As you say. (ninja-vanish)

Morgan Freeman: You're wondering where she's going right now aren't you, you perverted freaks? Well lucky for you we're going to look at Mr. T instead. Let's see how he handles fighting all six of those dudes at the same time.

Mr. T: (all the other six piled on top of him) NEXT SCENE FOO, CUT OUTTA HERE!

Morgan Freeman: As the creepy whorecruxes of Saget look up, our seen cuts back to the ninja complex where soon, Hitonomi guides Jebus, eLFa and Dreamer and Rudolph the latter two and Rudolph being unusually scandily clad, down some other corridor.*

Hitonomi: We are SO glad to be making business with you, Mister... Jebus is it?

Jebus: (wearing a purple trenchcoat and hat with gold chains, shade and pimpin' cane) Grand Pimp Master Jebus to you.

Hitonomi: Yes, I'm sorry sir. We are always glad to be serving clients of your caliber.

Jebus: All women want to service my caliber. Now give me a look around so I can see if either of my two ladies and this other lady here are fitting for your ninja academy.

Hitonomi: Ah... the dressing room is currently off limits. You see, our panty supply is at risk-

Jebus: (vomits an endless stream of money into Hitonomi's face)

Hitonomi: (pulling a dime out from her eye) Very well, sir... I shall guide you there. Can they speak?

Jebus: (casually makes out with both and Rudolph at the same time because he's fuckin' Jebus) I believe so. But what would the point be in that?

*Dreamer and eLFa and Rudolph glare in annoyance.*

Morgan Freeman: That's a mighty mix of herbs and spices. So Hitonomi guides them towards the dressing room, and finds the Ninja Chick Frenchie met earlier- let's call her Emilia- there.

Emilia: Someone's already in there?

Hitonomi: Who? This is a Level Omega crisis, we can't let just anyone walk in!

Emilia: omagah a new recruit.

Hitonomi: Let us be the judge of that.

*Hitonomi kicks down the dressing room to see Stampede and everyone shoving panties into their pockets, backpacks and, in Siren's case, cleavage. *

Hitonomi: PIRATES!

Stampede: Move!

*Stampede tosses a smoke grenade as he and the others roll out past Hitonomi and into the hallway, where Dreamer and eLFa have already knocked out Emilia in some fashion while Jebus looked at his nails in boredom.*

Jebus: Let's get our own souveneirs. (snaps fingers and various panties glide to them)

eLFa: Hurry!

Hitonomi: MISTER WIGGLES! (whistles)

*A giant rabid rabbit (not a Rayman reference, I didn't intend this!) freak of nature slams through the wall, and Hitonomi leaps onto the back. She rides it in pursuit of the pirates as they rush down the hall.*

Siren: How are we gonna outrun it?

Jebus: Omnipotence!

*Jebus snaps his fingers, summoning a giant water buffalo, leaping atop it and rushing towards the giant rabbit.*

Jebus: Let's do this, Nestle! (merges with the water buffalo and begins wrestling with Mr. Wiggles, holding it back)

Hitonomi: A minor setback! (flips into the air, bounces off of Jebus's head, and uses the momentum to land near the pirates, running towards them as she lands)

*At that moment a skateboard pulls up with Karl and his group aboard.*

Karl: Hop on bitches.

Frenchie: Ze crazy chick iz gaining on us!

Stampede: I'll take her.

That Krazy Dude: ...No. This is my pasta to stir.

Stampede: I'll help then. The rest of you get out of here!

*Karl and Siren nod, then ride the skateboard towards the exit.*

Hitonomi: You think you can fight me bitch?

That Krazy Dude: I have assumed the ultimate fighting stance of the janitorial school of martial arts: the Wet Floor. (kicks over bucket, soaking the entire floor)

Hitonomi: (bares teeth intimidatingly) Ooh I'm so scared!

*Hitonomi dashes at That Krazy Dude, who cleanly slips out of her path and slaps her with his mop as she passes.*

That Krazy Dude: The wise goat will rear its young from the front. That's how karaoke was born.

Hitonomi: I won't let you confuse me!

*She produces several shuriken and tosses them at That Krazy Dude, who deftly uses a Pin Sol bottle to block them all. The ensuing Pin Sol leakage only makes the floor slipperier.*

That Krazy Dude: That's what she narrated. I know a story of a krazy dude whose heart was broken. Am I ever really sad, or do I just like depressing the others? Please tune in at 7 to find out.

Hitonomi: Shut it! (within a split second has grabbed Krazy with another shuriken held up to his throat) Say one mord word, I dare you!

That Krazy Dude: Ma balls.

*Krazy takes one step backwards as he says this, causing his foot to be lodged in a bucket, and causing him to slip. Hitonomi slips with him and they both trip and slide along the wet and sudsy floor (which becomes moreso as the bucket spills). After Hitonomi releases her grip on That Krazy Dude, he stands up and regains his balance using his fucking badass janitorial arts while Hitonomi is swept down the stream and down a set of stairs.*

That Krazy Dude: Let your rabbit go run. (salutes and looks away) I'm sure you'll live, but you'll never be able to polka again. Also, AIDs.

Hitonomi: (echoes from the bottom of the staircase) Ow.

Stampede: ...Fuck, I had no purpose in this scene.

Morgan Freeman: Back at the ship, Scruffy and Darth Curry's cart roars through the ship at a whopping one meter per hour. Various ghostly dioramas are built into the walls.

Scruffy: So that's the original captain of the ship.

Darth Curry: Yep. Ol' Redbeard there left his family in Ireland and all his little wife and kiddies behind just because he felt like having some adventure. Got himself a pirate crew, went on some adventures.

Scruffy: So that's the guy whose memory I saw... that was such a weirdass crew he had. What was up with Saget?

Darth Curry: Ah. That was back when he was Robert Lane. Before he formed a pact with the demon Saget and become the great Darklord of the World-Mucking Federation. They joined when the pirate age was at its greatest... before the Pirate-Viking War broke out.

Scruffy: Right. Why does that one look like Stampede?

*Scruffy points to a diorama thing that shows a wax model of what looks like a long-haired Stampede popping up from an egg surrounded by flame effects.*

Darth Curry: Mr. Feeny engineered a project to build their own pirate god. They used DNA samples from Bob Saget as well as their janitor, whom had turned into Mr. T by then. He was to be perfect, and was called... The Guz. They had to send his egg to the end of the world, the only place where the flames were hot enough to incubate it. Naturally after being hatched, he returned to smite the enemies of the pirates.

Scruffy: They really got time travel down.

Darth Curry: Boy, you don't even know! See, The Guz went out of control. He took out the Vikings, who have only recently rebuilt from the devestating loss. But then he began to subject his rule over the world. The pirates didn't want anyone to take orders from... so old Redbeard took matters into his own hands. Took on The Guz in a battle to the death and sent him hurtling into the distant future... who knows how distant. Then, just like that, he died.

Scruffy: That's harsh man. Why are you helping me again?

Darth Curry: It's a warning, really. The longer you live in your fantasy world, the harder reality will crush you later. You better give up while you're ahead, Scruffy. That redbearded guy? History forgot who he was. And his family never saw him after he ran off with his delusional fantasies. You can save yourself from that fate.

*Scruffy looks towards the latest diorama in concern. He sees a wax model of the redbearded pirate captain, with a rogue's grin and a psychotic glint in his eyes, kneeling in a guillotine. He then does a double take after it winks at him.*

*Elsewhere, One-Armed Willy's skateboard roars through the halls.*

Karl: According to my calculations, we're either nearing the exit or a fucking trap.

*The skateboard tears through a giant set of doors and finds itself in the middle of a gladiatoresque arena.*

Siren: Back out of here.

One-Armed Willy: I ain't talking to you this week!

Karl: Willy, back the fuck out.

One-Armed Wil-

*Steel doors slide into place, trapping them all there.*

One-Armed Willy: The fuck? They didn't even wait for my dialogue to start.

Asian Distracting Dude: That's what you get for having such a long name.

Act Three

Vagineta: Pirates of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada! Surrender! Your friend is now my pet (nods to No Name on a leash licking her foot) and you all shall follow unless you let us kill you! ...Or vice-versa, depending on which option you prefer!

Lupine: Can I die?

eLFa: Shut it! I have a question first: who is that hussy you're with?

Vagineta: Pink Ninja?

Pink Ninja: Err...

All pirates simultaneously: OH YOU!

No Name: I know! Right?

Pink Ninja: Sorry, but I got a new employer now, and this is where I belong. Surrounded by hoes every damn day!

Stampede: Whatever man.

Siren: What kinda leaderish attitude is that? We're supposed to fight for his redemption!

Stampede: I dunno, never really cared much for him either way.

eLFa: WE DON'T WANT YOU BACK DAMMIT! (tosses guitar into Pink Ninja's face)

Pink Ninja: Ow.

Vagineta: You could have dodged that, moron. (turns and is hit with Lupine's frying pan) Freaking Lupine!

Lupine: WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?!

Vagineta: You hated me even when I did!

Lupine: I just miss the attention... (sniff)

Dreamer: There, there. (pats Lupine on the shoulder)

Lupine: Omagahomagah

Dreamer: (proceeds to make out with Karl)

Lupine: Too cruel, writer. Too... cruel.

Vagineta: You silly pirates. You entire world is going to end and none of you are important at all! In the end, only us ninjas, who live in the shadows, will reap the benefits and rule what's left of the world after you boys all kill each other!

Nemo: Fascinating story-

One-Armed Willy: Like my dick!

Nemo: -but can we go now?

Vagineta: I think not!

*Vagineta ties No Name's leash to a street pole, and he proceeds to run around it in a circle chasing his butt until he reaches the limit of the leash and is yanked back. She then flips expertly into the arena.*

Vagineta: Any of you think you can take me and my crazy feminist ideas?

*Karl rips his shirt off wordlessly and dives at her. Vagineta catches him, then rolls backwards onto her back and tosses him against the wall.*

Karl: Did I just get laid?

Lupine: Let me try!

*Lupine runs towards Vagineta and prepares a kick, but Vagineta sprays acid mace into his eyes.*

Lupine: AAAAUUUGHHH I CAN SEE MY HANDS' PAIN! IT LOOKS LIKE REBA!

Vagineta: (kicks Lupine in the face) Next!

Siren: Hey girls, let's all team up to stop her with girl power!

*White Panther, Dreamer, eLFa and who was the other one damn who could I be forgetting I know there's one more gimme a sec I'll get it oh yeah Frenchie all look on unenthusiastically.*

Dreamer: How silly. The only girl-related powers I know of are finanicial independence. Should I show you my thesis paper based around said hypothesis?

Frenchie: Zometimez I vizh I had a perzonality razer zhen juzt a zilly azzent.

Karl: (mutters with crushed ribs) Catfight.

Jebus: (puts the deus ex machina he was about to use back into the machina) Cat fight.

One-Armed Willy: Cafight.

Wally: Catfight.

Guy pirates (Guyrates?): Cat-fight. Cat-fight.CATFIGHT2: CRUISE CONTROL

Siren: The public wants a catfight. Should we let them down?

eLFa: Yes.

Vagineta: Well I'm sick of standing here so I'm gonna catfight you whether you like it or not!

*Vagineta flips through the air and smacks Dreamer to the side with her chest.*

Frenchie: Sacre bleu! (immediately pinned to the walls by ninja stars through her dress)

Siren: Umm... girls, re-assemble!

*Dreamer is passed out, and Frenchie is pinned against the wall.*

White Panther: Um... it's just me.

Siren: Huh. Where'd that other girl go?

Vagineta: (pops up behind the two, giving them both wedgies) Enough talking! (swings both around and tosses them)

*Siren and White Panther climb back up to their feet while adjusting their pants and face off Vagineta.*

White Panther: (spits intimidatingly) Okay, now it's serious.

Siren: AND you owe me a new g-string!

Karl: (having somehow convinced one of the ninja girls to spread ointment over his body) Keep it up honeys! (to ninja hoe) Lower.

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere in the complex...

Stampede: Try another lever!

Morgan Freeman: Stampede is dangling upside-down from the ceiling, with his ankle tangled in a rope trap.

That Krazy Dude: (lifts a chair) Is this the lever?

Stampede: A lever dude. A LEVER!

That Krazy Dude: Oh, okay. (rests the chair, then takes a few steps and lifts another one) Is this the lever?

*The room is full of disoriented chairs, as well as levels in the floor.*

Stampede: Why did I have to be trapped in the musical chairs room.

That Krazy Dude: (lifts another chair) What about this on-

*This causes Stampede's rope to snap, and he falls on That Krazy Dude.*

That Krazy Dude: Why hello.

Stampede: Dude.

*And also causes the floor beneath them to immediately become a trap door and send them down a pit.*

Stampede: WHOOOOOOOOOOA

That Krazy Dude: (chowing down hoagies in midair) I'm eating my way back home!

Stampede: AAA- dude cut me a slice of that.

That Krazy Dude: Sure.

*Krazy pulls out a knife, cuts off a piece of the sandwhich and holds it to Stampede. Stampede reaches out, grips it, and immediately lands on a rock. That Krazy Dude lands perfectly on his feet.*

Stampede: ugh... (weakly guides sandwhich towards his mouth)

That Krazy Dude: I knew that injection of cat DNA was a good iDear.

Stampede: where are we krazy? please tell me...

That Krazy Dude: A creepy subterannean cavern that is beneath every Japanese ninja house. Must be connected to the Underground Railroad; color me Harriet Tubman.

*Stampede climbs to his feet and pulls a rock out of his stomach, then sits on it and chews on his piece of sandwhich.*

Stampede: Krazy! Sit. Bond with me! ...Cuz I have no idea how the fuck we're getting out of here.

Morgan Freeman: Back up surfacewise, White Panther has scaled atop Sirena's shoulders, ready for battle.

Siren: (blinks as White Panther's tail keeps waving past her face) Prepare for our... hidden battle strategy... that I just came up with!

*Siren takes several steps, then Vagineta proceeds to sweep her off her feet (literally) and they both collapse.*

Siren: I'm out of idears.

White Panther: Wait, I know where we can get more! Rudolph!

*Rudolph stomps forward.*

Rudolph: Yes'm.

White Panther: Give us an iDear.

*Rudolph nods and vibrates at a high speed, then stops. His chest opens to reveal a small silver model of a deer, which White Panther takes and proceeds to consume.*

White Panther: I've got it! Siren, flash them!

Siren: It's sorority initiation all over again... (proceeds to flash Vagineta)

Vagineta: (observes) Hm, nice. But do you not notice that my own cleavage is negating your own?!

Siren: (looks down at her chest) White Panther, her cleavage powers are negating my own!

White Panther: New plan, you from the left and I'll go from the right!

Siren: Cool, let's do it!

*Siren and White Panther both rush forward at Vagineta side-by-side. She then disappears and reappears above White Panther, ready to deliver another wedgie when Siren notices.*

Siren: Above you!

*White Panther does a fierce grip and leaps up into the air, slashing at Vagineta as she passes, shredding her clothes.*

White Panther: Your turn!

Siren: (stops) Right!

*Vagineta adjusts herself as she falls, but Siren is waiting there and uppercuts her with her boobs, sending her flying back into a wall. Siren and White Panther do a little victory dance along with an awkward chest bump that bowls White Panther over.*

Vagineta: Urgh... ninjas... decimate them.

*Ninjas leap down from the stands and begin tearing through the pirates, led by their troop leader- an Amazon Tim Allen in tribal attire with boobs. Everyone is on their guard. Every fucking one.*

ADD: How are we gonna survive?!

Karl: (zips up pants and waves goodbye to the ninja hoe) You can start by not being a bitch. (Lupine begins to open his mouth) And that goes double for you.

Lupine: I know tae kwon do. (all the ninjas begin lining up and taking turns kicking him in the face)

One-Armed Willy: Moooooooooooo

Jebus: (taking a nap)

Karl: (storms up to Sirena and White Panther) Got any more bright ideas?

Rudolph: I'm all out of iDears. I do have some iWarluses in stock.

Everyone, Ever: (needlessly violently) NO.

Nemo: Doesn't anyone care about little old Nemo?

Everyone, Ever + Everyone Else: (needleslsy violent) NO FUCK YOU NEMO.

Siren: Where's our other fearless leader?

Karl: (opens his mouth and doesn't move for like a minute)

Siren: What?

Karl: I thought it was time to trasnition to a scene with Stampede so I didn't see any reason to continue talking. But I guess I was wr-

Morgan Freeman: (talking over Karl) And way downstairs, Stampede is still sitting on the rock pouring out his heart while That Krazy Dude dusts his hair with a feather duster.

Stampede: I just don't get it man. Everyone keeps on talking bad about her, but I don't see it. She's perfect man. Perfect.

That Krazy Dude: Are we still talking about Scarlett Johanssen?

Stampede: There's nothing wrong with her eyebrows man! Look at her! (slowly eating each last crumb of his sandwhich)

That Krazy Dude: Once in Tijuana, I took up a job as a hooker and then bought my own services to scam the system. No one ever knew the difference. They couldn't find the right dividends, you see.

Stampede: Sounds like some wacky prostitutes.

That Krazy Dude: Speaking of our crew, shouldn't we work on getting ourselves not here?

Stampede: What? Come on Krazy, relax. Take a load off. Fortune has dropped us into this wide open cave, and we have the god-given right to stay here as long as we want. Let's take a break, relax man, and practice Master of Puppets until we get it just right.

*Stampede has drawn a bass guitar on a drawing pad and then pulls it out.*

Stampede: That makes the, like, second time I've used that power.

That Krazy Dude: The answer to that is the exact opposite of the amount of times that I have used your mother as a love-making post. (hooks up mop-guitar to an amp that somehow still functions)

Stampede: Where'd you get that from?

That Krazy Dude: The fish market.

*Stampede sees the vague image of a small fish market run by a Korean man hazily floating behind That Krazy Dude before it fades with Krazy's thought.*

Stampede: Tacquitos, get me tacquitos, I can never draw them just right.

That Krazy Dude: Tacquitoes? Back in my home country they are used as currency. Wait no I'm not the wacky token foreigner from a country of indeterminate origin, I am the crab king. Of course, that was all before the big famine that burned all our land's tacquitos, and also my wife. We called her Eight-Face, because the burns didn't split her body evenly into two. Also, we learned of the true evil of the tacquitos and what they bring. Eating too many brings one too close to the dark side, of the bathroom. That's where Horace lives.

*As That Krazy Dude says this, a steam of tacquitoes appears in the air that Stampede eats through ala Pac-Man, only having to swat aside a king crab and a disfigured skeleton woman that fade away moments later.*

Stampede: What about tacos? I'm still hungry man.

That Krazy Dude: You are teetering you teetotaller! See, remember our friends up there? Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica, Reggie and the gang? What would they say if you never climbed out of the mole hole and gave them the old howdeedo from behind? Remember them, and you can find the key.

Stampede: (suddenly gets up) White Panther's still up there, right? I wonder if they got out safely.

That Krazy Dude: Ah, now you're thinking like the King of Games. The Guz sayeth, they are all but in danger now. Only the princes of hair can save them from becoming the ugliest sex slaves this harem has ever seen.

Stampede: Aren't I The Guz? But yeah.... let's do that. With the power of metal!

The Krazy Dude: ARF!

*That Krazy Dude and Stampede rip into their respective instruments in the most metal-way they can imagine. The ground they stand on shatters and floats through the air with them and begins to float up through the cave. As theyb leave, Drew Carey stumbles out from a dark corner.*

Drew Carey: (tears) You have done well, my boys... Fly away home. Fly away... home.

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere, the pirates are all hooked up to bondage devices while the ninjas overlook them. Vagineta has the women (minus eLFa) grouped together and approaches them.

Siren: You know, this is actually helping my back. How much does it cost?

Vagineta: 5 sexes with the president of ikea. Now girls, there's a reason-

Nemo: (drops soap and is tackled over by man-ninja)

Vagineta: Ahem, now, there's a reason-

Edwin: AND THE REASON IS YOOOOU! AND THE REASON ISSSS AUGH MY SPINE!

Vagineta: Now. The reason. I am going to give you girls a chance to become my hench-wenches.

Siren: We'll never join the likes of you!

Frenchie: Mozt likely not.

Vagineta: Come now, my soldier girls. Just think of it: we ninjas are the true force propelling this world. While all those pirates and Vikings run around destroying the world and running for president, we're here to support them. While we work in the shadows. And one day, they will wipe themselves out, and we can rise to take power over the remains of the world. Our own perfect world of Niptopia. Because well know, aside from cockroahces the only thing that can survive a nuclear blast is silicon.

White Panther: We've got words for you.

Vagineta: Do these words agree with our ninja principles and way of life?

Siren: Those words all no!

Vagineta: Very well. You shall all be stripped of the panties you have stolen from our drawers and sent into the slave chambers. Too bad you could not do as well as your other friend... she has agreed to a trial run in the ninja course.

Frenchie: Vhat?! Impozzible!

Vagineta: No, she is bickering with Pink Ninja as we speak. And I know how these arguments end, she will join us to be near him. And you all will fall with the last days of the pirates. And no one will remember your names...

*Her words are then drowned out by loud rock music. A piece of the ground rises to reveal Stampede and That Krazy Dude playing their instruments floating on individual pieces of ground. A ghostly apparition of Ethen Elenberg appears playing drums.*

Kevin Sorbo: (watching from above) The time has come. (begins singing incoherent screeches into a mic and windmilling) And they thought I had long hair just because I'm Hercules! (back to incoherent screeching)

Mini-Myself: Whoa... I haven't had much lines or character development have I

Salama: I'm aroused.

Stampede: (does a screech of his own which frees the other pirates) Quick! To Kevin Sorbo so we can get out of here! (a staircase leading up to Kevin Sorbo erects)

Karl: Well bitches and hoes, let's get to it!

*Everyone nods, boards their individualized motorcycles and ride up the staircase.*

Vagineta: Not if I have anything to say about it! (jiggles her cleavage to summon a segway, then pursues in it)

That Krazy Dude: Boats and hoes! (strums guitar, which releases a spear that impales Amazon Zombie Tim Allen against a wall)

Amazon Himalayan Tim Allen: (does a Home Improevement grunt and combusts)

One-Armed Willy: Fuck everyone!

Siren: C'mon girls, we're almost there!

*Vagineta's moped hops into the air and begins to fly down towards Siren.*

Vagineta: I have you now!

Siren: (looks up at her) Oh noooooooo.

*In slow motion, White Panther somehow flips her motocycle into the air, doing several impossible flips in midair before she leaps off of it. It smashes into the segway and explodes, causing both White Panther and Vagineta to fall.*

Siren: Panther no!

White Panther: Ah! (reaches out but their hands don't miss)

*White Panther falls down towards the arena's floor, until she lands safely in Stampede's arms.*

Stampede: You okay?

White Panther: Yeah- hey that's me you're stroking, not the bass.

Stampede: I know.

White Panther: Then get your finger out of my eye.

Stampede: My bad.

*They all float up towards Kevin Sorbo, who is in the process of transforming into a hot air balloon. Stampede strikes the bass one more time, causing it to magnetically attract all the remaining ninja panties, which static-cling to the top of the hot air balloom*

Kevin Sorbo: Hurry up! I can't keep this up much longer!

Vagineta: (lands on the ground, breasts breaking her fall) Where do you thing you're going? (yanks on leash, pulling No Name back)

Edwin: No No Name, no! NoOO!

No Name: (grisps Edwin's baby-like hands) It's okay, Edwin. No matter how far I am, I'll- (is yanked back violently)

Edwin: NWWAAAAAA!!!!! (breaks down crying)

*One-Armed Willy, Mini-Myself and Rudolph all pin Edwin down to drag him into the Kevin Sorbo, which spins and releases strobe lights before vanishing.*

Kevin Sorbo: I am totally every UFO ever.

Siren: Oh man I'm totally in you right now.

Epilogue

*Kevin Sorbo lands, and all the pirates slide down from him on inflatable slides. Scruffy steps up wearing a shirt and overalls, with his hands covered in grease.*

Scruffy: They're back. Sexcellant! Kevin Sorbo, announce the winner place.

Kevin Sorbo: Very well.

*Kevin Sorbo's eyes roll back into his head and his mouth begins printing a long strip of paper.*

Kevin Sorbo: My calculations are complete. Final decisions reached.

*Stampede, Wally, Siren and Karl are lined up in a fucking straight-ass line motherfucker, you wanna get shot?*

Stampede: Dude, the astericks guy's off his meds again.

*Fuck you, go braid your hair.*

Kevin Sorbo: Calm down there children. Karl, as a leader, you have shown high levels of baddass and organization.

Karl: I don't even try.

Kevin Sorbo: You fail. Siren, you brought the girls together and did some other things.

Siren: Yes.

Kevin Sorbo: I don't care you fail too. You can also stop groping me at your leisure. And wherever he is, No Name, you have an adept skill at being kidnapped.

Stampede: (looks down at Wally) Can you skip all my flaws and make the raccoon our new captain?

Kevin Sorbo: Wally, you have some radical and uncoventional ideas that are perfectly suited for the pirate world. But you fail too. My readings show that Stampede here is best suited.

Scruffy: (bites a rat's head off and spits it into Lupine's frappuchino) That so?

Stampede: ...You gotta be kidding. I don't even want this job.

Scruffy: Don't care! That only makes you more qualified.

Kevin Sorbo: I can feel his inner potential.

Scruffy: He's feeling things inside you, Stampde. How does that make you feel?

Stampede: A bit fucking creeped out man, but whatever. It's not like you're leaving anytime soon anyway.

Scruffy: As a matter of fact, I'm leaving anytime soon. I am going to run for president of the world as part of the pirate party to put an end to Saget once and for all.

Everyone Else: Hubba-wha?!

Scruffy: Alright guys, Saget's been weakened. Cornered. The world presidency election is his last grasp for power. We can be done with him forever. And once that business is done... I think I want to live a normal life somewhere.

One-Armed Willy: Fuck that shit!

Stampede: Fucking boogus man!

Scruffy: Hey! Settle down you guys. As we speak, Mr. T is-

Mr. T: (over watch radio) Scruff come in! Scruff I'm down I'm hit fool down I'm hit!

Nemo: Whatchou talkin' bout Willis? GET IT? (punched by everything ever)

Mr. T: Saget's got me cornered... but I figured it out! He can only be one person. The man who will one day be Saget- is on your crew!

*Everything goes silent.*

Scruffy: Mr. T, are you there? ...Mr. T? MISSSTEEER TTTTTTT!!!!!!

*A few moments of silence and awkward shuffling among the crew.*

Lupine: Also we lost No Name and eLFa.

Scruffy: Just... good job, you all did your best everyone. Take your pick of the panties and do whatever you want.

*The pirates all walk away, while Scruffy kicks things in anger. A few look back in concern.*

Edwin: I hope No Name's okay...

Stampede: That dude makes the best of everything. He'll be fine.

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere at the ninja compound, Vagineta and Hitonomi on crutches examine a broken box.

Hitonomi: Our power generator broke down again.

Vagineta: Have you tried pouring in more rice as offerings for the rice god?

Hitonomi: Yes. It electrocuted me a bit.

Vagineta: Try pouring more water on it. The lightning god must be asking for bathwater.

No Name: What are you dumb broads talking about?! All you've got are some busted defusor couplings!

*No Name sucks the rice out of the power generator and begins fixing it with his bare hands.*

Vagineta: (grips his shoulders tightly) What... what is this magic you are weaving?

No Name: Magic? There's no damn thing! This is called science, woman! (turns around and finds himself face to face with Vagineta, who looks innocently back into his eyes)

Vagineta: Teach me about this... science.

Morgan Freeman: Back at the ship...

Mini-Myself: Yo Stampede, Siren lost her top again. Can I borrow those sunglasses you use to see her without being stunned.

Stampede: ...Fine. But I want it back right away, man. I gave away my only other pair...

*Elsewhere, Que Pasa is resting in a parlor while being served tea. He proceeds to release cream and several other particles into the tea*

Mr. Feeny: You're lucky I found you when I did.

Que Pasa: You're lucky my fist isn't in your face. ...No I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. You know...

Mr. Feeny: Do you have any idea what you're doing? Abandoning your crew, associating with senior citizens... you are asking for trouble!

Que Pasa: No, I'm asking for respect and responsibility and a girlfriend! And I had fun with those old people.

Mr. Feeny: This is a dangerous road you're embarking upon. If you go down it alone, you might be doomed. In fact, I know of someone who was doomed by that very road.

Que Pasa: Who? WHO? NAME HIM! I'LL RRIIIIP 'IM APART! (tears his a cushion apart with his teeth)

Mr. Feeny: That was five dollars. As for the person, it is none other than... (shifts eyes) Dark Siren. Yes. The dark alterego of your beloved companion. She tried to go it alone, and see what it got her. Trapped in stasis.

Que Pasa: Wait, I thought Dark Siren was apart of Skanky Siren that was gotten rid of when we removed those brains from her boobs. It's a fucking creepy plot point just to remember!

Mr. Feeny: (slaps head) Urgh, I've made a Hagridesque blunder! You see, the brains were removed, but they were powerful enough to merge into one body and create its own body. Now Dark Siren is a literal dark doppleganger. But of course I was able to freeze her in stasis before she could break free. I have a bit more experience than you know in these matters-

Que Pasa: Did you freeze this tea too?

Mr. Feeny: I beg your pardon, Mr. Pasa?

Que Pasa: It's colder than my heart, and that's something everyone can vouch for!

Mr. Feeny: I'm afraid you're mistaken, Mister Pasa. My tea-making skills reflect the warmth of my home and heart.

Que Pasa: Taste it for yourself.

Mr. Feeny: (grabs the tea and takes a sip) Young man, it is at a temperature of perfect warmth! (collapses, foaming from the mouth)

Que Pasa: Should have learned a lesson from our friend, Mr. T. Now let's see where you keep your Batcave, or Feeny Dome or whatnot.

*After some fiddling, Que Pasa discovers a secret passage behind a portrait of Mr. Turner, and sees Dark Siren frozen in stasis. She looks identical to Siren but shadowy- think of the complexion of Inque from Batman Beyond or Shego from Kim Possible, and then we'll be getting somewhere in the area of descriptions. Also naked, as natural for all people in stasis tanks. Que Pasa immediately slips on his special shades from Stampede*

Que Pasa: Alright, I'm in love and lust. Awesome. Now, release yourself! (transforms nose into hammer and bluntly smashes it until it cracks)

Dark Siren: (slips out from the tube, naked naturally) Little Que Pasa! I knew you'd come back for me!

Que Pasa: Yeah yeah, you're the only version of Siren who was willingly made out with me. So I've got a simple proposition for you: join my new pirate crew. Think of it, just you and me against the rest of the pirating world. The ultimate underdog team.

Dark Siren: (grins) I just might take that chance...

*And back at the ship, White Panther and Stampede walk down a hallway.*

White Panther: What the hell happened today.

Stampede: No clue, but I'm ready to follow up on my original plans and sleep for as long as I can. (looks in multiple directions, then pecks her on the cheek) G'night.

White Panther: (watches him leave) Night...

*Stampede walks back to the charred remains of his room and drops himself in the wire frame remanants of his bed, immediately falling into a sound sleep.*

To be continued...

Credits

*Pink Ninja kicks a rock around.*

Pink Ninja: This is BS! Vagineta spends all her time with that stupid new slave, and now with eLFA on my case I can't score chicks by the boatload anymore! What's a guy like me gonna do?

???: Seek help from a shadowy benefactor?

Pink Ninja: Whoa! Who the hell are you, padre?

???: Someone who can put you on top of the ninja-ing world and all of your dreams.

*He step out from the shadows.*

Darth Curry: But more importantly, I have a feeling we're gonna get along great...

*And back at the ninja stadium, Jonathan Taylor Thomas sits alone in the center of the arena, holding the Amazon Tim Allen's head in his hands, then cries out to the skies in vengeance.*

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7