GCPA Finale Chapter 5

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Pressure!

Pushing down on me, pressing down on you

No man ask for

Under pressure

That burns a building down, splits a family in two

Puts people on the streets.

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about

Watching some good friends scream,

"Let me out!"

Pray tomorrow brings me higher...

Cold Opening

Darth Curry: Do you remember the Bronze Cobra Conspiracy?

Scruffy: No...

Darth Curry: Good.

[flashback]

*Scruffy and Darth Curry are led through a tour of a factory-like area by Antonio Banderas.*

Antonio Banderas: This is where the products of our genetic experiments are formed... It is very obvious that you two are spies, but we shall not begrudge you. Once you see the true goal of this Bronze Cobra Conspiracy... you shall rethink your entire lives.

Scruffy: But you guys are evil and stuff.

Antonio Banderas: Only from your side of the plot, you fools. We have been working around the clock to find a way to destroy Bob Saget once and for all.

Curry: Really now.

Antonio Banderas: Indeed. Let me show you to our grand superior.

*A man wearing a ceremonial bronze cobra mask sits at a desk as Scruffy and Curry are led into the room.*

Scruffy: Feed me.

Bronze Cobra: A healthy diet of exposition is in order. Now see here. I'm sure you've grown familiar with the rules of this world by now. Wacky adventures, random sexual hijinx, ultimate fantasy wish fullfillment, Everything you ever wanted.

Scruffy: But then I'd have food.

Bronze Cobra: Bob Saget is everything that isn't. He is a living embodiment of what is called Cerebus Syndrome.

Curry: What the hell is that?

Scruffy: He has three dog heads?

Bronze Cobra: Nay, fools. Cerberus Syndrome is the mysterious ailment to the plot which causes that which is inherently wacky and funny to mature, to grow into something altogether darker and more tragic. As long as he is around and you continue your adventures, things will only get more serious. Thinks about it: death, romantic subplots, friends breaking up, people switching sides... everything you ever hated. It has already begun. That is why we are here.

Scruffy: Whatchoo fools think you gonna do?

Bronze Cobra: Our efforts to genetically create a creature stronger than Saget has failed. Not even your Mr. T has the genes we need, let alonge the jeans. Instead we have been crafting a more ingenius device... a button.

*He points to a red button on his desk that is labeled in black letters "The End.*

Bronze Cobra: Pressing this will begin a series of events that will bring the stories of this world to an end. It might be the only way to stop Saget's influence... if you do it soon enough, things will wrap up into a happy ending, before Saget can pervert the timeline further. If not, time will slowly solidify. Everything will start making sense. You will all begin to feel real emotions.

Scruffy: I'm not sure if I understand half of this... why can't you just press the button yourself?

Bronze Cobra: Only one of your genetic makeup may press it. And it is not done yet. You will have to fight off your crew until the time is right. And if you truly agree with the ideals of the Bronze Cobra Conspiracy... than you will work with us to destroy the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada and Bob Saget at the same time.

Scruffy: ...I'll do it.

*Scruffy reaches out and shakes hands with the Bronze Cobra while Curry lurks in the background.*

[/End Flashback]

Darth Curry: Naturally, he pressed it too late.

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Presents...

The End Complete, Part VI- Book 1: At World's End

The Concrete Cuban

*Siren finds herself tumbling through some strange bizarre void of ebbing white blankiness. Random shapes and figures form everywhere while Haddaway's "What is Love?" echoes throughout the zone.*

Siren: Huh...

*Silky the cat is beside her, screeching.*

Siren: Don't worry Silky, we'll find our way out of this... thing!

*Siren reaches out to Silky, who proceeds to climb up her arm and take shelter in Siren's cleavage. She then smashes through five houses which have been folded into one folded chair by the space-time of the Plot Hole. She then spits out some shrapnel, which disintegrate into pixels that fade away.*

Siren: I'm confused, did we enter a mysterious portal or did we get injected with LSD?

*Siren then looks up as Silky screeches and then she flies through loops of giant white pretzels, and finally she finds herself being propelled through hard ground. Finally she breaks through the surface and begins to fall through the air before gravity seizes her and slams her down on the ground.*

Siren: It dropped us somewhere, Silky! owmykneeowmyknee I wonder where we are!

*Looking around, the ground is red and there a few random jets of fucking flame coming up from the ground in the horizon. This area is notably littered with tombstones, none of them marked. She sees the hole from her fall is in front of one such tombstone.*

Morgan Feeman: But at this point, another strange sight becomes apparent. A man dances on one of the said graves. Slowly, emotionlessly he goes throgh an Irish jig as if out of habit at this point. This is a man whose entire body seems to be made from some sort of concrete. But he is a man who is very familiar looking.

Siren: Lupine?

*The concrete man's dance comes to an abrupt stop, as he turns and beholds Siren. Indeed, the face of Lupine Shadow. Seemingly preserved perfectly in stone.*

Lupine: What's this? ...What's this?

*He steps forward, approaching her, looking puzzled.*

Lupine: Skanky Siren? My oldest friend?

Siren: We didn't know each other that long... but you know who I am, right?

Lupine: Yes, yes, but none of this is right. Why are you here and so young? Also, alive?

Siren: Where and when am I that I'm no longer alive is probably what we should address here. That stupid plot hole spat me out here!

Lupine: Ah... the hole, yes, the plot hole... You eventually returned from that. But you must have stopped here first. What a plot hole... But, you see, it's been about 50 years. Everyone's dead. Except me.

Siren: Everyone? How can everyone be dead?

Lupine: I saw most of them die. They were all reduced to nothing. You see, this world belongs to The Guz now.

Siren: The Guz? But if he's alive, then there's still one of us around! We're not alone, Lupine!

Lupine: ...Walk with me. I have exposition. (holds up a bag of candy labeled "exposition") And don't call me Lupine, that persona is long dead.Nnow I am naught but a Concrete Cuban.

Feeman: We're still gonna refer to you as Lupine because it's faster to type and I don't play abbreviations. So Lupine and Siren began to walk in a set path through the graveyard, with Lupine tossing Siren candy from time to time to keep her attention during his story.

Lupine: As everyone everywhere everyhow knows, Stampede Guzman became the forty-second president of the world back in the year 20xXx (named so of course due to the world's leading religion at the time being based around Vin Diesel). Stuff happened, and he got assassinated. Put us all in a pretty bad mood. Our crew had pretty much split apart at the time, but we were making progress in moving forward with our lives. *tosses a lollipop* Then it happened... the second coming of The Guz. He came from that mysterious vortex, a tall adonis who everyone said was our Guzziah resurrected. I hitchhiked through Europe to meet him... but he didn't recognize me. I knew this was not the Guz I knew. But at the same time, he was like everything I'd expect The Guz to be like. He just... wasn't Stampede.

*Lupine makes a sharp turn and begins tossing a sequence of M&Ms that she catches in her mouth as she turns and he continues speaking.*

Lupine: After that total eclipse of the heart, things only got worse. The Guz was made new president due to his godly status, and he began to convert the entire world into the massive pirate ship that it is now. The entire planet is propelled through space until it reaches other planets, that The Guz and his "crew"... everyone in the world... then pillage and destroy. After appointing himself captain of the world, The Guz began to destroy all non-pirates. The Vikings, ninjas and the government were driven into extinction or forced into a conversion into pirates. (switches to Skittles) But like any good pirate, he needed a name for his crew. When he heard of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada, he knew it was perfect for what it had in mind. So he tracked down Monkeyman Scruffy, a broken man trying to make a living in a broken world, and made him the devil's sweetest offer for the rights to the name of the GCPA. You know how he responded?

Siren: Rastabacka.

Lupine: Close. He refused, then The Guz killed him. Just like that! It was a very sad time for all of us, as I remember. He had to go with the name of The Guz Sandwich Armada as the current name for our planet. But in revenge, he was determined to wipe out the Golden Cheesecake and all traces it ever existed from the world. He ensured each and every one of our deaths. (tosses a Twizzler) It was like we never even existed. I was the only one spared... and the only one allowed to remember. That was because I was didn't want to cry anymore, so I gave The Guz my heart in exchange for survival. It seemed like a reasonable sacrifice at the time. My emotions were only holding me back. It seemed worthwhile to give them all for my friends, and let my body become like this. But it doesn't matter what I know, which is why The Guz let me remember everything... because... well, no one ever really cares what I have to stay. So, I stay here, with my old friends.

*Lupine waves out to the graveyard.*

Siren: We're still in the graveyard after all that walking and talking?

Lupine: Yeah I mostly walk in circles. These graves? They're all that's left of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada. They're all unmarked... but I can tell. You tore straight through Que Pasa's grave... good thing there wasn't really anything to bury of him.

Siren: Whoa... (she sits down on a tombstone to compose herself) Did I... die this way too?

Lupine: There were some exceptions. You made a deal with The Guz and lived a normal and happy life. You just traded your memories of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada for it. Your death was admittedly mostly unrelated and normal. (tosses some marshmallows) I think it should be considered sad that I cannot feel overjoyed to see you again after so long as I usually would. My apologies for my current state. That Guz got everyone... even That Krazy Dude, who tried to sail away in the remains of the Golden Cheesecake after Mr. T was killed. The Guz simply psionically hurled the piece of land (and water) that the ship was upon into space. The poor fool...

Siren: This is crazy! But if I'm here and can find a way back to the present... I can undo this future! We can stop death from happening and stuff!

Lupine: It's not that simple. Nothing is reversible. This is the world we live in. The only way you could escape your fate is through another plot hole...

Siren: That's a chance we'll have to take. Come on, Lupine! Let's stop hanging around these graves and go on an adventure! That way we can save the world.

Lupine: That doesn't make sense. ...But I don't have anything else to do. Without any point to anything, is there really any point to anything?

Siren: Good.

*Siren begins to skip down the road out of the cemetery while Lupine trudges alongside her.*

The Last Ninja

Lupine: We'll go to the nearest Resistance base. They'll have some idea of how to help you.

Siren: There's a resistance?

Lupine: It's an apocalyptic future, there's always a resistance. They are the surviving relatives of all our old friends and others who escaped the choice between conformity or death.

Siren: How lovely!

*Siren and Lupine walk down a road built out of baby skeletons. Ruffians are lined up on each side of the road as they take turns spitting directly into the Concrete Cuban's face and pelting him with used condums, and some also applying the treatment to Siren by association, while Silky hissed in resentment from its cleavage place.*

Siren: This is only slightly humiliating.

Lupine: I don't even notice anymore.

*Lupine walks up to one of the ruffians, tears his arm off as he and the others scream and run off. He then continues to walk alongside Siren while absentmindedly gnawing on the arm.*

Lupine: Is that better?

Siren: (spooked out) Um, sure.

*They walk on for a while longer.*

Siren: This place... it looks so strangely familiar..

Lupine: Um... well...

Siren: Wait.... I this is my home town! (looks towards a wrecked house) I'd know that place anywhere, that's the dojo where I was trained to control my boobs!

Lupine: Yes.

Siren: Those bastards burned it all to hell! ...I haven't even been back here in years, since I joined the GCPA.

Lupine: I'm sorry about that, but- hold on.

*Lupine notices a very attractive woman carrying a vase on her head past them.*

Lupine: Lady! Show us the way to the nearest Resistance base!

Lady: W-what? How do you know I'm in- I mean, how do you know there is a Resistance?

Lupine: I know that stance anywhere. You're Vagineta and No Name's girl.

Lady: Ah, the concrete cuban. (tosses her robe off to reveal a ninja suit over her Hondurasian body) And you brought a friend?

Lupine: Ah yes. Skanky Siren, this is Jenna Name. Jenna, this is Skanky Siren.

Siren: Ooh, great to meet you! That's such a sweet name... knowing No Name, I'm relieved he did not make it a joke or something.

Jenna: My middle name is Talya.

Siren: That sounds even more beautiful! Oh I just wanna hold you, Jenna Talya! (after a moment of thought, blinks a few time in recognition) Damn you No Name!

Lupine: Enough of the pleasantries. We have a resistance base to get to. This Siren girl came here through a plot hole and needs another one to take her back home.

Jenna: I see. My clam has told many tales of the plot hole. My clan has also mentioned it from time to time.

Siren: I appreciate any help you can give us!

Jenna: Yeah... I feel like a failure, too. I'm the last ninja and daughter of the two most brilliant people in the world, but I don't know jack squat!

Lupine: As much as I love these mindless pleasentries, or at least used to, we need to find that base. So how about you lead us there.

Jenna: But... that's the problem. Only Jack Squat remembers the way back to the base! I keep on forgetting the directions.

Lupine: Hmm... (grabs a homeless man and holds him upside down by one leg) They say moss grows on the north side of hobos... (the man is covered with moss-like growths) Hmm, this ain't good. Should we just navigate these shady alleys?

Siren: Come on guys, let's use our instincts and just get on this. It can't be that hard.

Jenna: Sometimes I feel like I can hear my dad father calling out to me from beyond the nether regions. But why does it sound like he's saying "That's what she said..."?

*They shrug and delve into the depths of the dark alley, unaware of the dark eyes that are always watching them.*

Lupine: There's Jack.

*He points to a dead body crushed under a dumpster.*

Jenna: Ohh right, that's him! And to think I was protecting that foreign child molester instead all day... stupid me!

Siren: Poor guy. He didn't even get any lines!

Lupine: I guess he was... squat thrusted.

Siren: Chill it! Especially if that liquid trickling down Jenna Talya is what I think it is!

Feeman: Indeed, Jenna was crying as surely as Siren was unintentionally spouting innuendos. She tore off a piece of the dead man's clothing to wipe her face with... and revealed a patch of moss there.

Jenna: (sniff) His body... moss! That must be the way!

The Shadow

*They begin to run in that direction. But at the same time, the shadows deepen around them.*

Siren: What's wrong with this place? Everything seems darker...

Lupine: It would seem that we are not the only ones trying to find our ways to the base.

???: I am the night.

*A creature produces itself from the shadows. However, it is notably a human who is also a tangible shadow at the same time, with brown hair. Clad in everything black ever, including a sinister cape and a bat-eared cap but excluding a bright red shirt. Wearing a pair of those thick but cool spectacles.*

Jenna: You're... you're The Guz's first mate, aren't you?

Evil: That's right. I am the nightmare of the cowardly and corrupt. A dream perverted and tainted by time. I am Evil van Pasa.

Siren: Your name is Evil von Pasa? Does that mean you're descended from...

Evil: That's right. Martin van Buren. Now none of you look like members of the illustrious Guz's most holy pirate crew. At least one practicionary of the defunt ninja way among you. You must all be... tutelated.

*Evil van Pasa winks, producing shadowy hands that reach up to grab the three.*

Lupine: Worry not. I have their weakness.

*Lupine reaches into his boot and pulls out a pair of glowsticks that he tosses to Siren and Jenna, who sue them to ward off the shadow hands. The light burns at the hands and causes them to come apart, while Lupine simply stomps down on the ones reaching towards him until none more come.

Evil van Pasa: You think you're smart, don't you? I've made you move while immersing you in the darkness. How will you remember which direction you were trying to go in? I will find this base first, for my glorious master.

Siren: You're just a mean guy! Why don't you come out of your little shadows and face us like a man?

*Jenna tosses her glowstick through the air in frustration. At this point, Silky the cat leaps out from Siren's cleavage, attracted by the light of the glowstick, and wins up landing straight on Evil van Pasa's face. Evil falls to the floor, writhing in agony, while the shadows disperse.*

Evil: Argh! AUGH! OFF, OFF, GET IT OFF! OH DEAR SWEET GREAT GRANDMA! AAAAAUUUGHHHH-CHOOO!

*He begins sneezing wildly, with each sneeze releasing sonic blasts. Siren, Lupine and Jenna dust themselves off and stand over him.*

Evil: Please, get this wretched thing away from me... My allergies!

Siren: Aww, but she likes you!

Lupine: Can I crush him now?

Jenna: Yeah, then our resistance will win, yay!

Siren: No! He's harmless now, and since he's descended from one of the pirates he must have good in him.

Evil: Just... just get it off dammit! (body contracts into various positions while he makes increasingly unreal screeching noises)

Jenna: Fine. (picks up Silky and begins to pet her) But you're coming with us.

Evil: (gets up and notices a handcuff around his hand) Ah, you really are a ninja scum.

Jenna: Thanks! I guess I'm smarter than I realize- (looks down and sees the other handcuff is on her own hand) Maybe not.

Lupine: We've dawdled for too long. We must make haste to the resistance base.

*With the faded yellow (from urine naturally) road visible again, the four continue onward.*

Siren: What's your problems anyway, Evil?

Evil: I am the night. I'm not... I can't be afraid of anything. I can't! That's how I've survived as The Guz's right hand man. By not fearing anything as much as I do him.

Jenna: That's a terrible weight. (raises her hand and notices it's the one that's handcuffed) Aw man, now you can tell whenever I'm gonna pick my nose.

Evil: We're in the same boat here. The Guz will find you all. There's nowhere you can hide, no way you can stop him, you know. His hair will overgrow and suffocate you all.

Jenna: We'll be okay if we all stick together. Even you can fight him off if you put your mind to it.

Siren: You can do it, if you really try.

Lupine: Stay focused, Jenna. We need to be able to tell where the secret base is.

Jenna: Oh... wait! That place looks familiar, I think we've found it!

The Resistance

*They arrive at a small tavern at the end, labeled "McPenis and Son's." They enter and find a small and busy bar here.*

Siren: Oh good, I can finally have a drink.

Evil van Pasa: I'm afraid of alcohol. No, I am the night. I just don't need it.

*Standing at the bar is a black man with a small fro and mustache (Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson anyone?), holding a toothpick gun in his hand with one toothpick in his mouth but it's actually a cigarette that was censored by 4Kids.*

Lupine: This is Smith Karl.

Smith: And because I'm the only black man in the future, I'm naturally the Son of Karl.

Siren: Who was the mother?

Smith: Does it make a difference? Now what do you hoes want? (casually spins around and puts a toothpick through the throat of a pirate that had just creeped through the window behind him) As you can see, I'm a very busy man. I don't have time to listen to the crazy ramblings of the Concrete Cuban, although I do have time to listen to such cleavage.

Lupine: Well- (punched in the face by Karl, shrugs it off)

Siren: We need to find a way to the past! I came here through a plot hole, and maybe by making another one I can go back and prevent this future from happening!

Smith: Assuming your story is true, there's no way that's fucking true! Plot holes are an urban legend, like Luigi being in Mario 64!

Jenna: But it's true! They say a plot hole was formed after the destruction of Saget's body. All of these cataclysmic events cause tears in the plot!

Lupine: So something extreme... like the destruction of The Guz, perse.

Smith: Hey, did I ask you all to hold a conference about things that are fucking impossible? There ain't nothing that can beat The Guz, us resistence only exist because apocalyptic futures need resistences!

Siren: I still don't really buy Stampede as an evil overlord. He can't even find the will to drag himself out of bed in the morning!

Smith: I honestly don't even really care about what you think! Name things that can be done, and maybe I can grant your wishes!

Lupine: I sold my heart because I had nothing left, but now one of my friends is back. I want to be able to feel again.

Jenna: I'm messing up all the time and holding everyone back. I want to be smart enough to really help.

Evil van Pasa: I... I suddenly feel like I need the courage and the willpower to really make my dreams come true.

Siren: I just wanna go home.

*Smith Karl pauses for a moment in thought, while suggestively polishing a cup in his hand.*

Smith: There might be something I can do to help one of you-

*Suddenly sirens blare from outside as a swarm of pirates burst into the bar, armored like standard storm troopers and with aim that's even worse.*

Evil van Pasa: I wish I had the courage... (holds up a tracking beacon) to not have betrayed you all.

*A giant galleon hangs above the bar, inhabited by swarms of armored pirates that slowly make their way down and into the bar. Rebels under Smith's command pour out from the bathrooms and go into action, immediatelly engaging them in battle.*

Smith: (holds up a toothpick gun to Evil) Bitch ass motherfucker. Give me one good reason I shouldn't finish you right now. 8 simple rules for dating my teenage daughter are optional.

Evil: We're in an apocalyptic future where everyone and everything is disposable because it'll just be overwritten in the end! No wait, that was the opposite of a reason to keep me alive.

Karl: (moves gun slightly and shoots a seamless stream of toothpicks through one pirate's heart, then aims back at Evil) Keep talking.

Siren: I know it's hard to trust an asshole traitor, but... I don't think we should end him. There's good in him. I just know.

Jenna: He is unusually good-looking for the guy I'm supposed to be fighting my entire life.

Smith: (lowers toothpick gun) Very well, but step back. I'm going to have to pull off my final pimp maneuver.

*Smith presses a button on the bottom of his bar counter, causing it to magnetically attract all of the pirates' armor save for Evil, and they all wind up stuck to the bar.*

Jenna: But... it's too risky!

Smith: This is how it's gonna go down. Girl, I need you to take care of these guys from now on.

*Smith presses a second button, and the bar rockets through the air with Smith still manning it and the other pirates still stuck to it. There is a close-up of Smith screaming like a mad man just before it crashes into the galleon, completely destroying it due to the desk being loaded with chicken wings that had nitro glycerin barbeque sauce. This naturally causes a chain reaction that wipes out the rest of the nearby ships.*

Lupine: Lived a pimp, died a pimp.

Siren: (looks down) ...When did he take my bra?

Evil: You fools! You have no idea what you've done!

*Flaming rubble's raining down towards them and shit.*

Evil: That! (points up)

*Evil huddles on the ground in fear as the flaming rubble rains down, when Siren kicks him through the window outside like a soccer ball, with one of the rocks knicking her shoulder in the process, then she dives out. Jenna and Lupine have already simply walked out of the collapsing bar.*

Jenna: What now?

Lupine: Our options are exhausted. It looks like there really is no way to get this done.

Siren: Oh, c'mon guys... look over here!

*She points to one of the crashed airships, which is mostly intact. She notices everyone is instead staring at her cleavage, so she whips out a mirror to direct her cleavage's reflection onto the ship, which causes the others to look at it.*

Lupine: Of course. We can go to The Guz's stronghold in that. If Jenna can repair it.

Jenna: Um... I'll try my best!

Siren: And we'll need someone to guide us there... (steps on Evil's cape as he tries to crawl away)

Evil: URKel!

Silky: (meows)

The Guz

*And to the ship is reformatted and begins to fly in the direction indicated by a reluctant Evil van Pasa while the ska version of "Take on Me" plays over a hellish landscape, with fireballs in the air and shit. An old newspaper with the headline "OPETH TO WRITE NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM" floats by the window while Siren gazes through it pensively.*

Lupine: This is it. Our final battle. We all must be prepared. This being is something more than us, and more than anything we could ever face. I hope... that we all survive.

Jenna: Oh man, I forgot the eighth branch of the multiplication tables! But... I think I can wrap my head around enough equations to do a decent amount of mathmatically-accurate damage.

Evil van Pasa: (crying and whimpering into a phone) I NEED MAYO!

*But this is just what he is thinking in his mind. In reality Evil is standing there as stern and confident as I can.*

Evil: ...I won't fail you now. Something about you... fills me with strength.

*Siren steps out in a new commando-type uniform and armed with a random giant gun.*

Jenna: Now you're equipped for an apocalyptic future!

Siren: Alright, guys. We can do this.

Evil: Get ready. We're entering his psionic barrier soon.

*At this point they are nearing a gigantic mass that is stretching up from a crater on the ocean, with giant George Washington parts floating about in the ocean, which is mostly fire around this tall mass. Energy ripples emit from it, which begin tearing pieces of the ship off.*

Lupine: This thing's falling apart!

Jenna: What... if I redistribute the properties of mathematical algebra...

*Jenna begins running back and forth across at high speed, welding some things and putting some things on some other things. The ship regains some altitude.*

Siren: At least we're near his tower now!

Evil: Tower? Oh no, you poor deluded fool. That's no tower...

*As they near closer, the tall mass becomes clearer. It is a giant slender body stretching up from the crater, and the ominous black clouds above it appear to actually be gigantic tufts of hair spilling out over the world.*

Evil: ... That's The Guz.

*At that point, one giant strand of hair flies towards them skewering through the ship as everyone dives to the side to avoid being impaled on it. The hair than retracts, taking the ship with it, until it is being held outside one gigantic brown eye.*

The Guz: What miniscule dudes do interrupt me in my most holy hour of solitude. Commodre Evil van Pasa, man, please do regale me as to the nature of this predicament. What bringeth the Concrete Cuban, the rebel girl and this woman whom I have never seen before towards my throne most illing?

*Evil steps up, his knees giving out beneath him.*

Evil: I... aaaam... going to kill you. I think.

Siren: (shoves Evil to the side) It's a good start. See, you're some evil guy who looks like our old friend.

The Guz: Ah yes. They made me their leader because I resembled their slain former leader. Not that The Guz needeth permission to ruleth, man. I do recall you all from those of the dead pirate crew whom I have studied far and wide. As estimated, they were not even a match for the might of The Guz. You boat full of traitors, you shall last even less of a time.

*The hair holding the ship up vibrates at a high speed, causing it to shatter. This leaves Siren, Lupine, Evil and Jenna to tumble freely through the skies.*

Siren: No!

*They all produce snowboards and use them to each ride up a different hair.*

Jenna: He may have some kind of weak point hidden within his hair, let's all search for it!

The Guz: Dudes, thou art hella doomed. Ye should have heeded my warnings. This world shalt only become emptier, as I make all into me.

*The hairs they're on become electrocuted, but each of them hops onto different hairs. Some hairs form into Mini-Guzes that pursue the four.*

Siren: Let's shake 'em off! (uses the giant gun to blast various Mini-Guzes away)

Lupine: Hm. (simply absorbs the Mini-Guzes' attacks and just tears them apart)

Jenna: We're making progress, yay!

The Guz: Thou shalt not for long, dudes. For lo, I have knowledge of yon weaknesses most illing.

*The Guz snaps his mind, and the Mini-Guzes attacking Evil transform into cats.*

Evil: AUGH!

*Evil leaps off of his snowboard.*

Siren: Dammit!

*Siren continues to surf the hairs towards a bald spot that Lupine and Jenna have already reached, through the wave of leftover cats.*

The Guz: You must not escape, Skanky Sirena. Thou shalt suffer a fall most hard.

*The hair that Siren is surfing on comes to a sudden end, so she makes a leap towards the bald spot, when her knee breaks in midair. She begins to fall.*

Siren: AUGH!

*Suddenly, Evil leaps from the swarm of cats and tackles her through the air, causing both to land on the bald spot.*

Evil: So... what now?

Jenna: I don't know... except that these are the exact coordinates that I have mathematically predicted to be the setting of a plot movement within the next minute or s-

*Just then a rocket-bar counter flies up, with Smith Karl's skeleton still attached to it. All four grab on unquestionably. The Guz looks up towards them and his hair begins to reach up, but Smith's skeleton detaches and falls, holding a Smart Bomb in his boney hand.*

Smith's Skeleton: Thug life.

*The explosion covers Siren and the other's escape.*

The Asteroid

Siren: Where are we going?!

Jenna: I don't know. All I know from scientific study of this plot is that it is reaching the end. You know what that means.

Lupine: ...A deus ex machina.

*The bar counter approaches a small asteroid and lands softly upon it. Siren, Jenna, Lupine and Evil stumble out and examine their surroundings.*

Evil: What is this junk?

Jenna: Again that strange feeling. What did she say, Father?

Lupine: This... it can't be...

*A giant galleon is planted within the asteroid. In black letters along the side, it reads "THE GOLDEN CHEESECAKE", along with some faded paint that shows a hint of the ship's original name.*

???: Oh it is!

*Everyone looks up to see someone on the deck of the ship. He is a bulky man with badass gray dwarf beard reaching down to his feet. Golden chains are seen around his necks, and he wields a mop in his hand.*

Siren: ...Krazy?

That Krazy Dude: Names. What are these names, Talking Cleavage? If you called me Rufus, would I still not be the same Dude? Or would I be a different Krazy?

Lupine: If you're gonna be philosophical, can you do so in a way that makes sense?

That Krazy Dude: Dollars make cents. But should we make them president? Do we really have the children to fortify our mountains of love and lust?

Jenna: You... what is that gold around your neck?

That Krazy Dude: My good friend passed it onto me. That's why Mr. Guz tossed me up here... he has Saget's demon soul remains within his pantaloons. I am Tonka Tough. If we collide, it all ends.

Evil: If this is all going to end... let us have what we want first.

Lupine: Can I go first? I need a heart. I want to be human again.

That Krazy Dude: Have you not always had a heart, my son and brother, my beloved soldier girl? Remember what is inside you.

*That Krazy Dude produces a key and inserts it into Lupine's chest, then opens it. It is hollow inside, but filled with a variety of mementos. They pull out a picture of Edwin with No Name, as well as a collection of scrapbooks and love letters, and a worn skateboard.*

Siren: These are all... Edwin's.

Lupine: Passed on to me before he left. I am a time capsule in many ways.

Siren: He always did want to put everything he had in a Concrete Cuban, but I always thought I misheard the song lyrics.

*That Krazy Dude's gold glows, and the last item- Edwin's old helmet- transforms into a human heart as Lupine's chest closes.*

Jenna: Damn, my closure scene can't really compare to that. I realized my intelligence already.

That Krazy Dude: What about your vaguely Que Pasa-ish friend there?

Evil: (lying on the floor covered in bumps) I'm dying a filthy coward... huck.

That Krazy Dude: Naaaahh you're cool. You proved you had courage by going through those cats instead of turning back! Having courage can be as simple as having the right people to wind up your toy monkey.

Evil: I am... (cough, hack) the night...

*That Krazy Dude hugs Evil, restoring him to good as new condition.*

Siren: That Krazy Dude... I've witnessed more or less all I need to see of this apocalyptic future. I need... I need a plot hole to take me home.

That Krazy Dude: Only one plot hole remains to be opened. Are you willing to end it all?

Siren: If it means I can go back home and end this all in the other way, yeah. There's so much pain to undo...

That Krazy Dude: Very well, everyone. Let us get to work.

*80's montage as Jenna draws up some diagrams while the others build jets and attach them to the sides of the asteroid.*

Morgan Feeman: Finally, the time comes.

*The rockets all propel the rocket into the atmosphere, and it begins to rocket towards The Guz.*

The Guz: What is this that doth propel to me, man?

*At this point, the meteor has attracted a flaming aura, and pieces of the rock are burning off. Everyone is in the ship sweating as they steer the ship.*

Jenna: Lupine! Shouldn't you age and turn to dust after having your mortality restored?

Lupine: It doesn't work like that! Getting immortality undone doesn't cause all the years you skipped to catch up to you, it just means you age normally! You must be thinking of lame tricks to kill off characters on some shows.

That Krazy Dude: You okay, Chest Princess?

Siren: Yeah, I'm fine... just wondering how horribly wrong this will go if I don't get a plot hole ride back home. I'll be... done for, won't I?

That Krazy Dude: You're in the Golden Cheesecake. We won't allow it.

Evil: We're nearing our final stretch!

Lupine: Wait, Siren! If you do go back, you have to warn me! Everyone, everything I touch is in danger! Tell him to-

*Suddenly Lupine gags as something bursts through his chest. He drops dead on the ground while a feral raccoon stands there, with Lupine's heart in its fangs and a fierce glint in its eye.*

Jenna: Ahh, what if it has rabies!

Siren: (turns away from steering wheel) No-

Evil: (grabs onto other half of steering wheel) Come on, stay focused! We have to finish this!

Silky: (eyes open wide) Meow...

*Siren looks at Evil and nods. On the outside, the asteroid has crumbled to the point where it resembles a giant fist.*

The Guz: Fair enough.

*The asteroid fist collides with The Guz's face, at which point time and space freezes, crumbles and then burns up.*

The Guz: I never met... I never knew... (body crumbles apart like jigsaw puzzle, falling back into time)

Flames spread from the death of the Earth, consuming everything in the universe as it collapses unto itself.

A rip in time and space drops a gigantic golden egg into the flames.

As the heat warms it, all of time and space contorts around it until the egg is contained within a gigantic blazing vortex of flame, the remnants of the universe.

"Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in..."

*Ralph Densing materializes in the voide of space and sheds a tear.*

Then the egg cracks, with a golden light emanating from the cracks. Following a flash, all is blank, black, darkness.

Afterword

*The present day. A plot hole opens and drops Siren on the ground. She notices she is clad only in makeshift leaf clothing.*

Siren: ...What just happened? (feel around) Ooh a dollar!

The second book's contents remain shrouded in mystery, and unknown to all.

Because love's such an old-fashioned word...

Next: Back to the present

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7