GCPA Finale Chapter 6

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

And all your friends are gone

Nobody's here with you.

And all your friends were wrong.

Nobody cares.

The Story

*A group of navy officers bully Scruffy down a corridor. Scruffy does not resist.*

Lieutenant Baby-Eater: Your ship took quite a beating, huh? Too bad it's still in one shape.

Private Commodore Vice-Admiral General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Riley: We'll see what happens when we take it apart.

*Scruffy remains silent.*

Private Commodore Vice-Admiral General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Riley: And you refused our glorious leader's request to the rights to the name of your crew. That's gonna cost you too, Twinkle-Toes.

Scruffy: ...When's the execution?

Private Commodore Vice-Admiral General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Riley: That shall be decided tomorrow. When you shall be put on trial. The world captain has decided to make this a very... special trial.

Scruffy: ...How so?

*Scruffy is shoved into a live studio and brought to a podium by the center, where Guz Saget waits. Exactly one hundred podiums with people in it are along the wall.*

Guz Saget: Welcome, one and all... to a very special episode of 1 Vs. 100! I am your host, Guz Saget!

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Presents...

The End Complete, Part IV: Scruffy Vs. 100

Guz Saget: Today, we are here to watch the once-mighty Captain Monkeyman Scruffy's soul being consumed. Everything around him has fallen apart and become part of me. We are beholding the last man alive who is not a part of The Eternal Guz Saget. His results shall determine his fate, but I've got a spoiler for you: he's gonna die.

*The live studio audience, a collection of shadowy masses with only red eyes visible, cheers. Saget presses a button labeled "laugh track", and all of the 100 have electricity surged through them which forces them into fits of generic-sounding laughter.*

Guz Saget: Let's meet our other contestants, shall we? Scruffy will have to defeat all 100 members of The Mob to win. And every last one of them is someone he knows. Or rather, used to know. (whips out a long-ass list) This looks like an appropriate place to start... look at his former second mate!

*In one box Lupine sits wearing a suit and looking quite fancy, but resting his bare feet upon his podium. He has a smug grin, and straightened hair.*

Guz Saget: Little Lupina Shadow was the Scruffy's second mate, with an addiction to being shitted on. After being fired from a new chef job, Maria here has discovered a fortune from selling pictures of his feet to a foot fetish website.

Lupine: (confidently) Hey. It's a living, man.

Guz Saget: Skanky Siren. Has started wearing a bra and become part of a prestigous law firm.

*Skanky Siren, her face looking severe and humorless, wears a suit-dress and unbuckles a suitcase as she sits in her box.*

Guz Saget: Karl Smith no longer legally exists, but I present to you Karl Smith's Brother, blackjack dealer.

*Karl, with a mustache, waves robotically from his box.*

Guz Saget: Lady Vagineta, one of our first converts from the ninja clans and the former ninja queen. With her pet, No Name.

*Scruffy looks on in horror at Vagineta, who looks ashamed and defeated. No Name looks doubly so, but in the manner of a dog.*

Guz Saget: There's also Pink Ninja and eLFa, who have been sent to work on opposite sides of the globe because I'm a dick like that. At the same time, Prince Minish Myself is in the process of being surgically attached to his long-lost fiance in that box over there after he has returned to his kingdom. Who else? (pauses) Edwin-Stanley Carlito. Accountant.

*Edwin with a random mustache looking humorless and bored.*

Guz Saget: Your precious Asian Distraction Dude, One-Armed Willy and Nemo, reduced to mere cogs in the machine of my brilliant society. My iron fist ensures that they have no time for the friends they once loved, or even each other. And of course their old boss, Shiny Stallone? He's here too, as is his lover Salama. For their miserable fate I made gay marriage legal so they could go through all the stereotypical hardships that all married couples go through!

Salama: (whispers to Stallone) You said you would take us somewhere nice.

Shiny Stallone: (whispers harshly back) Not in public!

Guz Saget: The Dreamer has been put to work as a librarian. And That Krazy Dude is on loan from the nearest mental asylum. I have dealt with both of them personally... so have no doubt they are under my complete control. Even your old friend Jebus is part of me now.

*Jebus solemnly plays a ukelele while wearing coconut bras (over his eight breasts) and a grass skirt, and with a picture of Bob Saget's face tattooed on his stomach.*

Guz Saget: Moving along, we have your enemies. Captain Gorenicus Sly the gorilla pirate, one of Scruffy's first enemies. Gold Roger, the former pirate king. Dorner... hell I don't even know his story but he's here. Mithos the sex midget... the obnoxious cousin of the late Count Gonad, Baron von Chodemeister. The Mounty of Canada. Representing the navy are Private Commodore Vice-Admiral General Colonel Lieutenant Major Shogun Riley, Malaria and Lieutenant Baby-Eater. Also present is good ol' Wiley, whose soul was sold to Clyde Worthen by your crew- an operation which I have shut down as well. He wants revenge too.

*Wiley nods angrily.*

Guz Saget: Believe me, I've gone through a lot of trouble to find all the people who have troubled you throughout the years, under me or not. Noble. Knight. Gutmann. Greco. Abassi. Rackow. Marchese. Mister G. Peter Feeny. MacAulay. Dr. L and Lavlinskia. Dr. T. Mr. I. Gilmartin. Leo. Whitham. Castinon. Gonzalez. Jefferson. The Brancatos. And of course don't forget everyone's favorite... SENSEEEEIII!!!

*Sensei pops through a paper wall into her box and shrugs with a giant grin.*

Sensei: EHHHHH!!!!

Scruffy: (mutters) Oh Sensei.

Guz Saget: (kicks Scruffy in the gut) Not time to talk, fool! Who else do we have? No one is immune to my influence. George Feeny. Clyde. Nardiello. Miss Feeney. Malko. Vinny the Eel. Rafael. Meyer. ...Waffles.

*The above are all shown, looking particularly brainwashed.*

Guz Saget: Your friends from the Bizzarro Golden Cheesecake say goodbye- Apeperson Ruffy, Extremely Sane Guy, Nan Deska, the sausage that was made from Chef Leos's charred remains, Overdressed Nun, Every Name, White Karl, Fish, Mega-Yourself, Black Lion, and... is that all? Oh yes, that poor boy... Bizarro Stampede... he had an... accident. (grins as eyes gleam)

*Guz Saget then goes into a quick tapdancing solo.*

Guz Saget: How about my celebrity friends? We have quite an all-star list here. Gary Coleman, Bill Cosby, his robotic doppleganger Cosby-Con, Henry Winkler the vampire mermaid, Whoopi Goldberg, a version of Eugene Levy pulled from the past, Micheal Jordan, Nathanial Hawthorne, Drew Carey, Magneto, Bill Gates, Tito Jackson, Satan, Eli Whitney, Reginald Vel-Johnson, Jaleel White with the rest of the cast of Family Matters, the stunt doubles for the former cast of Full House excluding myself, Tim Allen, Fifty Cent, Katy Perry's cat Kitty Purry, Osama Vin Diesel, Antonio Banderas, Robert Deniro, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Samuel L. Jackson, Maury, Snoop Snoop, Scarlett Johanssen, the Power Rangers, Pauley Shore, Richard Simmons, Simple Plan, Morgan Freeman and Morgan Feeman, Cedric the Entertainer, Han Solo, Pimp Named Slickback, the Backstreet Boys, George Dubya Bush, Bizzarro Dubya Bush, Hitler, Christopher Lee, Kevin Sorbo and General Grievous.

*He points up at the Vikings.*

Guz Saget: The once-proud, now defunct Vikings. (cut to shots of the Vikings now brainwashed and in dresses) Krampus, the fallen Viking king of Christmas. Donner, also known as Sir Ian Wallace, the pretty boy with his black sidekick Blitzen. Vixen, some hot chick. Also, the morale-less Comet, known for his afro even though he died in a scene of an unfilmed movie.

Comet: All your friends are gone.

Guz Saget: Other people who are here: Hitonomi, Mr. Fatigue, Bronze Cobra guys, Ben Dover and co., Captain Crunch, The Burger King, Tom, Zandra, the real Riptide and Barracuda Jane, the demon bears, Gregory Livingston, Gene from A Seperate Peace, those assholes with the mirrors, That... yes, I think that covers everyone.

*Cut to Darth Curry pouting in his booth.*

Guz Saget: The rules are simple. You shall all be asked a question. You must answer correctly to advance. Anyone among The Mob who answers wrong will be eliminated.

Scruffy: From the game?

Guz Saget: With each right answer, you earn a year of your life. You will have a chance of walking off to prison with your current years after each correct answer, or you can choose to continue on. And if you defeat the entire mob, you may leave with your life, no questions asked.

Scruffy: Really?

Guz Saget: Yes. But I assure you, you will not win. That will be as likely as you defeating me, which is impossible because I now am everyone in the world. And you are competing against everyone in the world. You have defied the way of the world for too long with your foolish fantasies. So in turn, the entire world shall crush you in return to bring you back to reality. The most real thing ever, which is death.

Scruffy: Wait, I noticed someone missing. Where's White Panther?

Guz Saget: No further questions. Except for the ones that will be asked by me. Let Round 1 begin.

*Everyone tenses in their seats, and some people fart.*

Guz Saget: Your first question...

*Shots of everyone looking tense and or/nervous.*

Guz Saget: Which of the following... is not... a dog?

*Mithos licks the sweat off his forehead and becomes aroused by it.*

Guz Saget: A. A Yorkshire Terrier...

*Edwin spreads mayonnaise along his fingernails and begins to chew on them.

Guz Saget: ...B. A Doberman...

*Lupine begins to hyperventilate and uses an asthma pump.*

Guz Saget: ...C. A Labrador Retriever..

*Salama vomits from his booth out of stress, and it almost lands on Miss Bellotti until One-Armed Willy's vomit intercepts it, and complex physics cause both vomits to land on Nemo.*

Guz Saget: ...Or D. A Fucking Cat. Register your answer, Mob.

*Many of the 100 break down and panic until calmed by Saget's torture-beams. Karl counts on his fingers, apparently doing some sort of mental math, before he proceeds to select his answer.*

Scruffy: Hmm... Dogs are great. I don't care if don't canonically have a dog, Sissi is fucking awesome.

Guz Saget: I care less about that statement than I do about most things, and I'm the fucking embodiment of evil. How about... you give me.. your answer?

Scruffy: Fine, if I had to shoot in the dark... preferably with a German ZZ-99 Lock-On Super Assault battle rifle, complete with hinged grooves and-

Guz Saget: Answer, motherfucker!

Scruffy: I'll go with my gut and choose D. Something about cats seems oddly un-doglike, y'know?

Guz Saget: Very well. You have your first correct. Let's see how your friends in the Mob did...

*Green lights appear above 99 of them, indicating they all got it right. There is only one red light, above Mr. Noble's booth.*

Mr. Noble: I would like to argue the wrongness of my answer due to grammatical errors deep within the question-

*A trap door automatically opens beneath Noble.*

Mr. Noble: (plunging through) Don't you love me Abrahaaaaaaaaa-

Guz Saget: Old people are so delightful, are they not?

Scruffy: That only took out one dude? Fuck, this is gonna take forever!

Guz Saget: You've earned a month of freedom. Will you still take on the Mob?

Scruffy: Nah, actually, I think I'm done.

Guz Saget: ...You mean you'll continue.

Scruffy: Why press my luck? This looks like too much work.

Guz Saget: You fool! No one is supposed to leave after the first question! How does that build up suspense?

Scruffy: I don't- (Saget slaps him) But- (slaps him again) I- (Saget spins around at a high velocity, repeatedly slapping him in the face) Fine, fine dammit! I'll continue...

Guz Saget: What is No Name's... real name?! Is it A: No. B: Stryfe. C: Dickin McUglywad. Or D: Juan Hidalgo.

Edwin: (sheds a tear as he remembers No Name's boyish smile and mannish beard, then presses a button)

Siren: (wipes sweat from her cleavage, causing everyone to stop for a moment)

Donkey Kong: Fuck, this is a tough one...

Mr. Feeny: (blinks in concentration)

Scruffy: I know my pirates. And I know their names. I also know which clowns can most efficiently scare the shit out of them. And I know that No Name's real-ass name is D: Juan Hidalgo.

*The entire everything gasps in astonishment.*

Guz Saget: Well, you're fucking right. Let's see how many are fucking wrong.

*Twenty booths go red. All those within, mostly the former allies of the GCPA, go down the trap doors.*

Rafael: Bukkakeeeeeeeee!

Mr. Feeny: Go on, childreeeeennnnn!

Vagineta: Baby I thought you were Ricky Martiiiii-

Scruffy: They gave themselves...

Guz Saget: Enough. Now tell me. Do you want to take on another question, or go home? There's 78 members of The Mob left for you to face.

Scruffy: (stern) I'll do it.

Guz Saget: And for our next question... my previous form was known for his debts. How much did he owe to... what's his face, oh yeah, Darth Curry? Was it A: 10,000 dollars.... B. Five million euros.... or C: Eleventy-five pesos... or D. 64 dollars.

Scruffy: That's a tough one, and it is also one I shall answer.

Darth Curry: (orgasming from being mentioned by name)

Nappa: Hey Vegeta, what's the scouter say about this answe-

Guz Saget: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU NAPPA-HEADED HO!

Vegeta: (mouths "Over 9,000")

Nappa: (nods "fair enough"ly and presses a button)

Guz Saget: Now Scruffy, remember: you have the option to poll the mob or some crazy shit. You also have exactly one lifeline that you can waste at any time. It will of course be a complete waste, because no one is left in the world who is not in this room and under my complete, utter and total control.

Scruffy: Sex-adelic. Y'know, he's mentioned it to me so many times, something gives me the feeling that it's... D?

Guz Saget: Really?

Scruffy: Yeah, I'll go with it.

Guz Saget: D's your answer?

Scruffy: Uh-huh, why?

Guz Saget: Oh nothing. Some would be a bit alarmed when all the answers that seem to be right are D.

Scruffy: Well... I know this one. You can't psych me out!

Guz Saget: Very well... let's see the results!

*The wrong answers disappear, leaving D, which glows green. Thirty-five stalls glow red, including Curry's and Nappa's.*

Nappa: But Vegeta.... (falls down trap door) you said you loved meeeeee!

Vegeta: (rolls eyes)

Darth Curry: No... give my another chance my master, my cock accidentally pressed the wrong button! (falls down trap door) You don't understand I didn't order any sausage on this pizzaaaaaaaaaa....

Guz Saget: Which one was that again?

Scruffy: My friend.

Guz Saget: Not anymore. And neither are any of these others whom you still must face. Do you wish to carry onward? You've earned a full year between all this so far. Are you going to risk it all?

Scruffy: Go ahead. Hit me.

Guz Saget: Very well. Here's a knowledge bomb for you: What is the Secret of The Guz? Is he A: A girl; B: A living penis; C: White Panther's long-lost brother; or D. An omniscient multidimensional being whom has become both me and Stampede through processes of alternate timelines and apocalyptic events?

Scruffy: Hm. The Guz never did tell me his Secret... in the first script it was just that he was a magical Native American!

That Krazy Dude: (mutters through muzzle)

Scruffy: Shut up, I'll feed you later.

Guz Saget: Enough. So D is your final answer?

Scruffy: What? I didn't make a choice yet, fool! Let's see... in cases like this it's the most complicated answer. So D would sound right....

Guz Saget: Should I put you down for D?

Scruffy: Shut it! Let's see... Saget is hinting towards D... but Saget hates my guts and wants me dead. And every answer I've picked is D.... They can't all be the same letter. (grabs head going crazy) They just can't!

Guz Saget: Tell me your answer.

Scruffy: I will... go with... C.

*Lupine and most of the other pirates except Krazy, whose face is concealed, nod and/or wink at Scruffy.*

Guz Saget: Tantalizing. If this is right, let's see how many people will be eliminated.

*Every remaining booth lights up.*

Guz Saget: Hm.

Scruffy: Ah-ha! Finalize that answer, bitch, I win!

*A giant X appears on the screen.*

Guz Saget: So sorry Mr. Scruffy, but the correct answer was (devious smirk) D...

Scruffy: No... NO!

Guz Saget: Everyone and everything you've known has let you down and failed you.

Scruffy: How did you all even know?!

Lupine: We read the other chapter where he told his story!

Scruffy: I don't have time to actually read this stuff!

Guz Saget: Time's up. You lose everything.

Scruffy: Wa-

*Suddenly, a jagged hair rips through Scruffy's body, causing him to fall down on the ground.*

Morgan Freeman: If you like extremely depressing endings, stop reading after I finish this line. And as Scruffy fell to the ground, he thought only one thing: he loved Bob Saget.

Morgan Freeman: Okay, now if you want the super mega happy hyper ending, I guess you can continue here. For you see, Scruffy's spirit found himself in a very strange place.

Scruffy: Oh great... I'm dead.

George Peppard: (steps out) Not for long, son. We've been waiting for this.

Steve Irwin: We'll 'ave ya back in yer body faster than I can take a dip into a croccie's mouth an' come straight out with out of its teeth!

Rick James: ...Bitch!

*The ghosts of other dead celebrities, such as Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger and Billy Mays, begin dancing around Scruffy.*

Scruffy: This is all very nice of you.

George Peppard: You're at rock bottom, kid. It's the best we can do. And... there's another reason.

Scruffy: That is?

George Peppard: Long ago, I went by a different name and form, and accent. The pirating world knew me as Redbeard, Captain of the Blood Red Eclair.

Scruffy: You!!!

George Peppard: That's right, kid. But I always liked my real name best. Shamus McScruffy, at yer service.

Scruffy: ...Long lost grandpa?!

George Peppard: That's right, kid. I figured you need a reminder. You're living the dream life. It'll only end if you let it. So why don't you try to hold your friends together, and then you'll be able to outdo me as a true pirate king.

Scruffy: I'll... do just that... Shamus!

*At this point, the spirits have formed a spiritual poncho around Scruffy. Finally, Ramone materializes out of nowhere to give Scruffy a kiss on his forehead, which causes his spirit to disappear.*

George Peppard: (puffs on ghost-cigar) I love it when a plan comes together...

*At the arena, Guz Saget is prancing around with chop sticks in his nose while everyone applauds him when suddenly Scruffy gets back up, causing him to flame up and burn the chopsticks*

Scruffy: I'm ready for Round Two!

Guz Saget: But... no! You're dead! Who do you think you are, fucking Harry Potter, and you can just keep on not dying until you kill the big bad?!

Scruffy: Sure why not. Now can we get this over with?

Guz Saget: Fine... but you're starting from zero again.

Scruffy: So be it.

Guz Saget: Ladies and dickholes, we know returns to 1 Vs. 44! For our next question... our little Zeus, Jebus... how many illegitimate children does he have? The answers are A: 8. B: 7,384,0098. C: 90,000. Or D: 58.

Scruffy: I ain't ready for any of this bullshit. See, Jebus is my friend. He shows me his baby pictures when he's drunk so he can make fun of how disfigured and screwed in life they are. The correct answer is C: 90,000.

Guz Saget: ... That your final answer? This would be the first one that isn't D, you know. Assuming there are any that aren't D.

Scruffy: Yeah, I know. And I'm sticking to C.

Guz Saget: ...Very fucking well! Show us the fucking answer!

*C glows as the right answer. And a bunch of red lights go off.*

One-Armed Willy: Aw fuck- (falls down trap door) You can all suck my diiiiii--

Krampus: (falls with other Vikings) Fucking piraaaaaaaaateess-

Scruffy: It's also a well-known fact that Jebus's children make up the population of the Lesbo Islands.

Guz Saget: So does your mom. Well... let's see who we have left.

*The remaining members of The Mob are Lupine, No Name, Jebus, Skanky Siren, Karl, Edwin and That Krazy Dude.*

Guz Saget: Looks like it's 1 Vs The Artists Formerly Known as the GCPA. How... delightful.

Scruffy: Only as delightful as your scrotum, you dickish fiend!

Guz Saget: Enough homosexual imagery. It is time for me to ask this question that shall be asked right now in order to be answered by you. The question is.... Which of the following makes up the ingrediants of Chef Lupine Shadow's Sunday Dinner Surprise? A: dead rat, scrambled floorboard and some lint on the side; B: Ground penis with avocado, dinosaur feces and fingernails; C: the hopes and dreams of orphans, hair from Wally's back and Lean Cuisine; or D: Pubes.

Scruffy: This question is stupid, your mother is stupid.

*Everyone begins to carefully pick their answers. Lupine immediately presses a button. Karl is about to press a button, when he has a flashback...*

Baby Karl: I can't weach the cookie jaw! Where's all my hoes at!

Scruffy: (reaches up and into a pocket dimension to pull out cookie jar) Oh here, you go, you delightful scamp! (empties cookie jar out on Baby Karl's head)

Baby Karl: Mmm, as soft as the spot on my head dat dese cookies wanded on!

*Baby Karl hugs Scruffy's leg warmly.*

Morgan Freeman: Back in the present...

*Karl switches gears and presses a different button. He then makes secret signals to all of the other pirates save for Krazy, who didn't need it, and Lupine. The other pirates, upon seeing the signal, have their own flashbacks that make them reconsider their answers.*

Scruffy: This is a tough-ass question. But I know I've listed these ingredients before. I know! It is... IT'S A!

Guz Saget: Final answer?

Scruffy: As final as the series finale of Scrubs turned out not to be.

Guz Saget: Very well.

*A is selected as the right answer, and Scruffy cheers. Red lights appear above the booths of every pirate except Lupine.*

Lupine: C'mon guys, it was such an easy answer!

*Everyone else just smiles towards Scruffy.*

Scruffy: Promise me you'll survive whatever's down there, and meet me again.

Karl: I wouldn't have it any other way.

No Name: (licking his own crotch) Nor I.

Jebus: (feeling himself up) Nor I.

Skanky Siren: Nor... (smiles) I.

Edwin: (rubs head awkardly) Nor I.

That Krazy Dude: AND MY AXE.

*The trap doors open up beneath them all, and they all fall down.*

Guz Saget: This is certainly unprecedented. 1 Vs. 1... I call for a lightning round. If you both get this question right, Scruffy will still lose.

Scruffy: Aw c'mon!

Guz Saget: I don't care. I make the rules. I change them as I see fit.

Lupine: Whatever... just give us a question.

Guz Saget: Very well. In what comic book issue did Batman die? Was it.... A: Batman #682; B. Detective Comics #580; C: Detective Chimp Special #1; Or D: Final Crisis #6.

Scruffy: Oh man, oh man... I don't know anything about comics!

Lupine: Too bad for you, I've downloaded them all off of DC++... heh heh yes, the answer is clear... (goes to press button, then pauses for a moment in introspection) oh yes, oh so clear... (spins finger around dramatically) ....I got this. (finally presses a button with maximum dramatic effort)

Guz Saget: Make an answer, Scruffy, or would you like me to kill you faster?

Scruffy: If I wanted you to do that, I'd provide a dirtbike. No, I shall use... my lifeline.

Guz Saget: (guffaws and tosses a phone) Go ahead. I'll tell you in advance what good it'll do ya: none.

Scruffy: Can't hurt to try. (picks up phone) Hello... is there anybody out there?

*A long silence.*

Guz Saget: There. Now put down the phone like a good little boy before you make a fool of yourself further. I have much to attend to.

*Scruffy is about to put down the phone, when he hears a harsh whispering through the phone. His eyes widen.*

Scruffy: Um... okay. (melts the phone) Oh damn, there goes my last dwindling hope. Gonna have to call it quits now! I guess my answer will just be... D. Final Crisis #6.

Guz Saget: No.

Scruffy: It's wrong?

Guz Saget: No, pick a different answer.

Scruffy: Sorry bud. It's my last answer.

Guz Saget: ...Very well. If only it weren't for the fact that Lupine knows the answer too!

*C glows green as the right answer... then a red light appears above Lupine's booth.*

Guz Saget: What?!

Lupine: Everyone else was doing it... I figured I owed you one more leap of faith... Captain. (drops down trap door)

Scruffy: Well, I beat everyone. Guess that means I'm fit to go.

*Scruffy turns and begins to walk away.*

Guz Saget: You'll go NOWHERE!

*Guz Saget is surrounded with flames, fully prepared to kill Scruffy, when suddenly he's hit by some sort of projectile.*

Guz Saget: Not... (hit by another cannonball)

Que Pasa: Now leave my captain alone!

*Guz Saget growls, then turns his hair into wings and flies away.*

Scruffy: (smiles like a bright child's smile) Pasa... thanks for the answer, bud.

Que Pasa: No prob. But we've got a lot of work to do.

Scruffy: I know. Just the two of us against the world, eh?

Que Pasa: Not exactly....

*Stampede steps out of the shadows, with a sniper rifle over his shoulder; and White Panther, flashing her claws and a devious smile.*

White Panther: We rerouted the trap doors!

Stampede: So the rest of the crew should be joining us, soon.

Que Pasa: See, it's more like all of the world versus him. Well Cap'n?

Scruffy: Then, crew... (puts on goggles) Let's earn our happy ending.

*Explosive credits sequence.*

Morgan Freeman: Join us next time on GCPA, for... The End!

Chapter 5, Book II: At World's Other End

Begin. All is blank, black darkness. Stretching out and enwrapping the cosmos. Eventually a figure becomes visible in this black void... and all the blackness turns out to be his hair. His eyes open. He beholds the empty universe for the first time.*

Figure: I must be... the last man alive.

At the same time, Que Pasa's soul bounces back and forth across the time-space continuum, experiencing every reality and every falsety all at once in vivid comprehension.

Que Pasoul: I always wondered what an acid trip felt like.

The immersurably tall figure squints, seeing the soul hurtling towards him while ripping through various dimensions. He holds up his hand and catches the soul like a baseball mitt.*

Que Pasoul: I am.... a banana.

Figure: How illeth of thee.

Que Pasoul: The... Guz?!

A noise sounds through the universe, which astronomers would classify as the first metal sound in the entire world.

The Guz: You have namethed me, and it iseth so. What bringeth thee to this time when nothing else doth exist but I THE GUZ?!

Que Pasoul: I dunno... I think I'm kinda dead.

The Guz: Thou art a soul, but thou still remembereth thine life, dude?

Que Pasoul: Yeah, I remember everything. Except my dentist appointments. I think that's my real superpower.

The Guz: Thou art the first man I hath met, dude-eth, even though thou art truly a ghost. For I hath been sent here to be born in the flames of death so that I may returneth through time to accomplish my original purpose.

Que Pasoul: To be the king of rock and roll?

The Guz: Nay, thou I shalt not exclude becoming Elvis from my possible time-traveling shenanigans son. For see-eth, I am to go back in time to meet my creators and win the Pirate-Viking War for them-eth.

Quesoul: How lovely. So you're just gonna leave me hanging in this dark void place thingy?

The Guz: Nay, I am in no rush. I see no harm in chillething here for some time. But as for your location, this is what the universe doth look like when all light hath gone-eth out dude. All lights saveth for THE GUZ.

Quesoul: You really took a liking to that name. So the universe is.. dead?

The Guz: Yes.

Que Pasa's soul takes several steps along the nothing, looking back and forth as frozen images of his friends, their memories, lay suspended in the air.

Que Pasoul: Everyone's... dead?

The Guz: True-th.

Que Passoul: Can you... change it? Can you... bring anything back?

The Guz: Though art at the end, dude. But I hath the ability within me to shape the end into the beginning.

Que Pasa: Can you do it? I can't stand it... All I can think about is everything I've never said, and the people I'll never see again. I want to live again.

The Guz reaches down and plucks what seems to be a smaller version of one of his own hairs from Que Pasa's soul, and he grins.

The Guz: Thou shalt be made anew, within my image.

The Guz's hands didth enclose upon Que Pasa, and all did go black. A million more dreams danced in his head, of lives he never lived...

...And then he awoke with a startle. There he was a in meadow of green, in a body of flesh and blood, under a sky that was blue and had The Guz floating in it.

Que Pasa: Morning Mr. Guz!

The Guz: Thou art live again.

Que Pasa: Yeah that's cool, thanks!

The Guz: And so is the entire universe born from my hand... it seemethed to make the lonegst joke to me. Now let me showeth thee around thine new crib.

Que Pasa: Surely.

The Guz: This world is nothing lesseth than a dream I hath constructed for thee- but just this garden area so far, the rest of the world iseth just GARBAGE right now. Look at these trees and prepareth to die, for they art filled with all of thine favorite foods man. Also-eth, I hath been inventing animals for thee to tame, eat, whatever thou wisheth. My servants are also here-eth to help. (nods to several angels flying by) And I just now finish my last. (he goes to a sand sculpture and spits upon it, bringing it to life) Thou shalt be named James, and thou shalt join-eth thine brothers Cliff and Kirk; but beware thine fallen brother Lars, whom has become the devil.

Que Pasa: You've become quite the busy bee in these weeks that I presumably spent un-dying. Any other things to warn me of?

The Guz: THE GUZ is glad thou hast asked this question; for all the trees may be eaten from without prejudice, save for one tree that is for me and me alone. The tree of mine chicken selects is not meant for yon mortals.

Que Pasa: I could probably use a diet.

The Guz: Good. And I have one more present for thee, the first friend I hath ever met. (he drops a special leaf down towards Que Pasa)

Que Pasa: (examine it) A dollar bill? The root of all evil?

The Guz: In your time it may be the source of corruption. But here at the beginning, it is nought but pure and untainted. Think of it as an investment. Thou must learn to speak up. Thou must put thine faith somewhere, and that shall be this bill.

Que Pasa: yyes, I feel it... (poses with the dollar) I GOT A DOLLAR FROM THE GUZ!

Que Pasa: Wait a second.

Que Pasa: The Guz.

Que Pasa: Did you say mortals? Am I not the only one alive?

The Guz: I was able to find one other soul that had faced untimely destruction. And I hath restored her body using some genetic information from thine on ribcage. Beholdeth... I was able to tell that thine souls knowethed each other.

Skanky Siren: (wakes up and hopes to her feet) I'm aliiive!

Que Pasa: Sirena?

Skanky Siren: Que Pasa? ...I FOUND YOU! (flying hug-tackle)

Que Pasa: Well... welcome back. How'd you find me?

Skanky Siren: I don't know. Everything's so fuzzy... I remember bits of pieces of everything. I think... the last thing I did was... pilot a ship into The Guz to destroy the world.

Que Pasa: But... The Guz is right there. And he just... gave birth to the world.

Skanky Siren: That sentence hurt my head.

Que Pasa: Why do we even have to think about the how's and why's behind our being here? We have a whole world here to have fun in.

Skanky Siren: You're right. Let's explore this world.

They run into the fields, baring their most childish grins. They first both find cover and as many things as they can to throw at each other. Then they fastened saddles upon the emus and raced across a canyon wall. They then established their own home in a cliffside, and Siren called out to the nearby birds.

Skanky Siren: It's so weird, isn't it?

Que Pasa: I don't know. It all feels natural to me. Everything's so... nice here. We could just explore the open roads forever.

Skanky Siren: I miss the others.

Que Pasa: Scruffy, No Name, all of those crazy critters... but hey, there's a version of Stampede watching over us. Or at least I think it is.

Skanky Siren: I can't even remember most of their names anymore... but I miss them all. We should find a way back.

Que Pasa: But how? We've just founded a civilization and adopted our attack dog, Roger. How do we find our way back?

Skanky Siren: Maybe we could ask The Guz for directions. Can we ask him that?

Que Pasa: He's an alright deity, I'm sure he can help us somehow. Maybe we can get back to our old time. And everything will be... the same as always.

At that point, a slithering snake comes down the wall. He had one name.

Saget: I know a way. I know a way.

Skanky Siren: What say you, Snake?

Que Pasa: Who the fuck said you can talk?! You're a fucking snake!

Saget: I have many names and have devolved many times to become what I am here and now once again. None of that's important... all that is would be your future. You don't need The Guz. He wants to keep you here forever as his private collection of friends. But if you eat his chicken selects... your knowledge will expand. You'll know everything that you need to know to escape.

Skanky Siren: That sounds like a better idea, doesn't it?

Que Pasa: No it doesn't! He's a fucking snake! Even the first people alive should know, you don't fucking take advise from fucking snakes!

Saget: Don't you want chicken selects?

Que Pasa: My cravings... my own weakness... COME ON SIREN! WE'RE-A GONNA EAT THE FORBIDDEN TREE!

Flashforward. Skanky Siren is chewing down on chicken selects while Que Pasa is eating the whole tree.

Siren: How do you feel? Any different?

A change happens in them, a clicking. As they both become aware.

Que Pasa: Siren, I...

Siren: I... I'm naked!

Siren dives into a set of bushes and puts together some hedge clothing. Looking down, Que Pasa notices he is also naked and does the same in a separate set of bushes.*

Que Pasa: We have to talk about things.

Skanky Siren: We have to get home. Everything else can wait.

Que Pasa: Come on! I just....

The earth shakes with a million lethargic groans as The Guz towers above them, more outraged then most things to come.

The Guz: WHAT THE HELL-ETH MAN! THAT TWAS MY LAST CHICKEN TENDERETH! HOW DARETH THEE!

Que Pasa: Guz I can explain-

Skanky Siren: I'm sorry, we-

The Guz: NAY! I HATH HEARD-ETH ENOUGH! THOU MUST LEAVE MY PERFECT-ASS GARDEN NOW, AND THOU SHALT NEVER EXPERIENCE YON RAVIOLI SLIDES I WAS JUST INSTALLING!

The Guz did flick both Que Pasa and Siren out of the garden into the heartless world outside. Then he ripped the garden out of the earth and tossed that island directly into the Sun.*

Que Pasa: That's it?! I thought we were friends!

The Guz: I hath no friends. And I hath spent too much time here. I must leave... to accomplish my destiny.

At that moment, he saw not the friendly face of Stampede in The Guz's features, but the shadows of Bob Saget's evil glare. And The Guz did disappear into a vortex of time.

Que Pasa: Vortex of time... dammit, he could have helped us!

Skanky Siren: Let's go. We'll find another way.

They slowly step through the harsher and scarier forests and come out in a wasteland. Many different creatures emerge from the Primordial Gooze that The Guz had left behind.

Que Pasa: Come on, we should talk about things, Siren.

Skanky Siren: Let's focus on this for now. There will be time later.

Que Pasa: I don't have any idea what kind of future we have ahead of us.

They then both stop with a gasp at a horrific site. There, beside a prehistoric road, was a black cat, petrified. It was Silky.

Skanky Siren: No...

Que Pasa: It can't be...

Skanky Siren: (checks it) She's dead... but something feels weird. I can feel something warm in her... I think she has a kitten.

Que Pasa: Then let's save it.

Que Pasa's nose turns into a scalpel and extracts a small adorable black kitten.

Skanky Siren: Will it be okay?

Que Pasa: No... it's not ready. It needs more nutrion to be born, unless...

Skanky Siren: Unless what?

Que Pasa: No Name's mad science lessons he have me... I can apply them. If this kitten had human DNA, it would survive.

Skanky Siren: I'll do it.

Que Pasa: (shifts nose into a syringe) Very well. I'll take samples from both of us... that way it can live like a human.

Que Pasa extracts blood from Siren, then winces and looking at her, is able to calm down enough to draw his own blood as well. And then they, well, inject the kitten and carry it down the long and winding road.

Que Pasa: I think she's gonna be okay. (steps on the first organism to emerge from the Primordial Guz, a Nemotoad)

Skanky Siren: Good. What should we name her?

Que Pasa: That's a good one. Scruffy Junior?

Skanky Siren: She kinda reminds me of White Panther?

Que Pasa: Really? She's just developing pale skin and what looks like blonde hair. I don't see any resemblance at all.

Skanky Siren: Of course it isn't White Panther. That would just be some crazy mind screw.

Que Pasa: Oh man that means it TOTALLY IS WE TOTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO WHITE PANTHER. Also, why am I not sneezing even though she has cat dander up the wazoo?

Skanky Siren: Because she's your daughter.

Que Pasa: Cool...

They smile at each other, and then hear a familar noise nearby.

Skanky Siren: Is that...

Que Pasa: I'd recognize that anywhere. We've opened another plot hole...

They both look towards it, hands linked.

Skanky Siren: What'll happen if we step through?

Que Pasa: Anything. We could be separated. We could lose our memories. We could wind up... anywhere. Should we bring White Panther with us?

Skanky Siren: Let's try to bring her with us. We know she'll grow up fine anyway. I'll remember you, Que Pasa, I promise.

Que Pasa: In case you don't... I want you to have this. (holds out a dollar) This is the dollar that The Guz gave me. Maybe one day... if things are meant to be... it will remind you of me.

Skanky Siren: (nods and hugs him)

Que Pasa: Well... should we go?

Skanky Siren: Yeah. Hold on tight.

Que Pasa and Siren, holding the kitten together, step into the plot hole...

Morgan Freeman: And where they end up, nobody know.

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7