GCPA Finale Chapter 3

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

So if this is to be our time

Just think of what we left behind

Will they say good of you to last

Or lose the memory of you fast?

Forever and ever

A wonderful thing

Will someone be greatful for what we tried to bring?

But just remember then:

This day...

...will never come again.

Cold Opening

*The pirates overlook a dead body. That Krazy Dude mostly fiddles around in the background with Stampede's shades.*

Scruffy: This guy was our spy in Count Gonad's court who will never be alluded to again beyond this scene.

Mini-Myself: He's deader than most things I've seen.

Karl: (zips up his pants after peeing on the corpse) So what the hell does this have to do with us?

White Panther: (poking at his body with a stick) It looks like he was bludgeoned to death. By something big.

Stampede: Why are you checking the body?

White Panther: I'm the crew doctor, it's part of my duty.

Stampede: Since when.

White Panther: Um, since I was hired.

Stampede: Bullshit! Since when do you do doctor stuff? I have not seen you do any doctor things.

White Panther: I do... when I remember that I do doctor stuff.

Stampede: What about my back yesterday? It was hurting like hell and you didn't do any doctor shit!

White Panther: I told you to lay down. That was my doctor advice. If you had listened to it instead of carrying me all the way to...

*She stops as everyone is looking at them curiously.*

Stampede: To... the dumpster! To put you in it... as a prank! Because oh god do I hate you sub humans!

White Panther: Yeah, exactly.

*Everyone else nods in understanding.*

Lupine: That explains the smell! (White Panther sniffs herself insecurely)

One-Armed Willy: Whatever. So how about whatever Count Gonad beat this guy to death with?

Siren: But what?

Edwin: That's a good question. It had to be something big.

Dreamer: Hmm.... What is something huge that Count Gonad would use to beat someone to death this brutally?

*That Krazy Dude steps forward.*

That Krazy Dude: For five hundred dollars, what is... (puts on the sunglasses, accompanied by dramatic close-up) The Penis Mightier?

YEEEEAAAAH!

*Cut to The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" over opening credits.*

Act One

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Presents...

The End Complete, Part III: Running up Your Mom's Building

Morgan Freeman: The scene- the Golden Cheesecake's secret submarine. Also named the Golden Cheesecake. They're too lazy to make names less confusing.

*Scruffy is handing out passes to the other assembled pirates, all of whom are wearing elaborate disguises.*

Scruffy: Here are your identities. We shall pose as members of the Iron Dungaree pirate crew because, well, everyone at Count Gonad's ball wants to fucking kill us. My identity is... Chester Boxman. (shoves a cardboard box with an intimidating looking face drawn upon it, complete with tatooed teeth) Wort wort!

Stampede: Question.

Scruffy: Yes, acting first mate?

Lupine: (opens mouth, but then just gives up and walks off)

Stampede: Why are we going to this fucking ball again?

Scruffy: (stands on a stool in order to place reassuring hand on his shoulder) You see, Mr. Stampede, I have to become president of the world in order to stop Bob Saget's schemes. And this ball is where the pirate party will pick their presidential candidate.

Stampede: That is definitely how elections work.

Scruffy: Yeah, so take notes. If all goes according to planno, you should be our new captain pretty soon.

Stampede: Greaaat...

Scruffy: Now everyone, suit yourselves up and we'll be arriving within the hour!

*Dramatic shots of everyone preparing, mostly wearing suits with some modifications to match their alternate identities. Rudolph dresses himself to resemble the son of a freak sex accident between a pimp, a Floridian fisherman and a florescant light bulb. Wally dons a necklace that seems to be comprised of Lupinesque skulls. That Krazy Dude puts on a pair of Groucho glasses. And Salama begins purging himself of food.*

*Stampede checks his pass and with a giddy anticipation approaches White Panther.*

Stampede: Dude, this is so awesome. I am fucking Jack Riptide, the most badass bounty hunter ever! He is so damn metal, and I get a kickass eyepatch like Big Boss! He eats subhumans like you for breakfast! (pokes White Panther's forehead in a way that most would see as a form of irritation, but others would see it as playfulness)

White Panther: Isn't that great. Looks like I'm Barracuda Jane, a human bounty hunter. Time to hide my cat features.

Stampede: (strangely fake-sounding anger) Oh no you don't! How dare you try this with me, you dirty damn sub human!

White Panther: Um what. It's not a big deal is it.

Stampede: Oh don't think I don't know what you're thinking about! You're playing off those rumors that Riptide and Barracuda Jane hooked up, and this is your sick way of getting me to be your date to the ball as part of some damn sub human scheme! You sub humans... you just... make ME SO SICK! (punches through a "Break in case of exxagerated outburst" glass)

White Panther: (shifts eyes in embarassment, catching on) Um... yeah, I guess you sure figured me out.

Stampede: You know what? You leave me no choice. I'm just gonna have to accept and act the hell like we're interested in each other for the night. It's gonna kill me, but we're gonna have to act like we've actually been in a relationship in a while now.

White Panther: You surely have just shown me how great your acting talent is. I'll go get ready. (strolls off)

*From a distance, Karl, Nemo, One-Armed Willy and Mini-Myself watch her leave as they suit up.*

Karl: I'm gonna call this right now. They, are hooking up.

Nemo: It is in my nature to automatically believe the opposite of what you say, that can't be true!

One-Armed Willy: Fuck you Nemo, you don't even know which side of the penis you suck on! But Karl, you are totally full of it.

Mini-Myself: (pulling up stockings) I dunno... They've said some fishy things when they thought no one was nearby.

Karl: See? We have a material witness. I'm the doctor of love. Believe me.

One-Armed Willy: Fuck no!

Nemo: Dude, they totally hate each other. It doesn't even make sense.

Karl: ADD, tell them your own intuition, which is at one with my own.

*ADD turns around to face them, wearing flowing purple robes and looking like an Asian Dr. Strange.*

ADD: I called it at the exact same second as Karl. They are totally hooking up.

Mini-Myself: Let's just keep a good eye on them at this ball thing to know for sure, now that we're all suited up.

One-Armed Willy: You would want to keep an eye on ball things.

*Willy and Mini-Myself proceed to homoerotically wrestle on the ground while Karl, ADD and Nemo poke them with things.*

Morgan Freeman: While these preparations were going, other pirates were preparing for this message elsewhere...

*Que Pasa stands in front of a mirror, attempting to tie a cape onto the suit he is wearing.*

Que Pasa: Honey, where's my tie?

*Dark Siren appears in the doorway, wearing a scandalous black dress.*

Dark Siren: Don't call me that. We ain't that close. Aaand you appear to be wearing your tie as your belt.

Que Pasa: Interesting. Know what? Maybe I'll bring bowties back.

Dark Siren: Whatever, just get ready. We have to get going soon if we wanna get our plan going at the ball.

Que Pasa: I know. And we have to make that detour on our way! But still, this is the first time we'll be seen in public together. I wanna make this look special.

Dark Siren: What about when we were smashing up those mailboxes the other night?

Que Pasa: (polishing Millennium Nose) This is different! I've waited so long for this moment.

Dark Siren: Um okay. I'm gonna warm up the car. (slips out of the room)

Que Pasa: (blinks) I thought we were taking a limo. Oh well. My dreams are one step closer to coming true... (reaches into his suit pocket)

Morgan Freeman: Back at the ship...

Siren: Alright, emergency girl meeting!

*The girls assemble in a tent that has been contorted from Salama's flab. He chews on jerky as within him, they are called to attention.*

Siren: As you can see, I have called in professionals to replace our missing girl.

*Cut to the corner where Edwin and Lupine are.*

Lupine: Would you like some of my frappuccino?

Edwin: No thanks. (sips on tea)

Dreamer: How fascinating. Can we use them for a case study?

Frenchie: It iz zaid zat ve have had only five girlz at mozt in zhis crew at mozt timez. But perhapz zese boyz can be our datez?

*Lupine's hand twitches and he quickly steadies it while spilling some on his hands, while Edwin indifferently checks his fingernails.*

Lupine: It's not as bad as the hydrochloric acid, but it still is pretty scald- (notices he's accidentally rested his hand in Edwin's boiling tea) HOMINA!

Siren: Well. If any of you wanna give these guys a shot, knock yourselves out. But this ball is a perfect opportunity for all of us to get dressed up and meet new guys! What do you say?

*The others nod along except for White Panther, who is staring ahead with a glazed look on her face.*

Edwin: Glazed like a fucking donut!

Siren: Little P, you hear me? (waves jugs hypnotically in front of her face)

White Panther: (blinks and backs up into reality) Huh what?

Siren: We're in the middle of girl talk, pay close attention! Who wants the floor next?

Lupine: (raises hand attentively) Hey, this place will have people from all over the pirate world right?

Dreamer: Yes. Approximately 95 percent of the pirate world has been accepted and will be in attendance. We constitute the five percent that have not been invited because, well, nobody likes us.

Lupine: By Leonardo's blazing shadow! Maybe THAT girl will be there... (pulls out photo from his pocket) My long lost love whom I've been looking for all these years!

White Panther: Lupina. Who the hell is this girl.

Lupine: Her name was the only never I have never forgotten, and never will. It was... (thinks) Ren.

Siren: Lupine... if that girl's there, you have to man up and make your move, and then be ready to move on forever.

Frenchie: I vonder if our lozt memberz zhould be zhere... like our old firzt mate.

Lupine: I don't know if I can do it...

Siren: I'll be there, I'll help you if you need it.

Lupine: Thanks-

Siren: (eyes dart towards the exit flab, which White Panther is struggling to life) Where you going?

White Panther: Oh, uh, I have to work on my dress!

Siren: Ooh! Lemme help, please please please! It'll be so fun!

White Panther: Um, fine...

Lupine: What about me?

Siren: Um... Dreamer and Edwin can help you, can't you guys?

Dreamer: Oh Lupine!

Edwin: Keep worrying about what could have been, Lupine. It'll kill ya.

Lupine: Um...

Siren: Good luck! (darts off with White Panther)

Morgan Freeman: SCENE TRANSITION!

*Soon afterwards, Lupine has finished suiting up and is next to Edwin, who is similarly suited.*

Lupine: How do I look, buddy?

Edwin: Sharper than most images.

Lupine: Good. And you look like a monk who's looking for trouble.

Edwin: That's the favorite of my looks.

*Lupine is also burning incense.*

Lupine: Oh great Jebus, please grant us the mojo to score us with the chicks of our dreams!

Jebus: (steps out of the bathroom in a towel) The hell you want now?

Edwin: Lupine wants you to gives us our true loves at the ball thingy tonight. His words, not mine. I sold the rights.

Jebus: Do I look like I care, let alone can do something about this crap? I'm some kinda messiah, not a fucking celestial matchmaker!

Edwin: Told you this was a stupid idea. That's why I gave the movie rights to Uwe Boll.

Lupine: Can't you bless us or something, oh mighty Jebus? And cleanse us of our sins so that our true loves may behold us in our most purest form.

Jebus: Rarely have I heard gayer words spoken by man. You may have set a new record here. I'll splash you with holy water if that'll help you all. If you wanna fucking clean yourself, take a motherfucking shower. Now if you excuse me, I have to whip a third world country with my leviathan penis and get motherfucking dressed. I'm gonna score sooo many milfs tonight.

*Jebus walks out of the room, kicking Lupine to the side as he passes him and spitting acid into his face.*

Edwin: You should really start wearing gloves.

Lupine: (rubs eye with a cloth) We'll be okay, I know it. Don't worry man, we'll be united with our long lost loves at this thing. (pops open locket to reveal picture of the woman)

Edwin: Hey, Lupine... I know how important your hopes are to you and all, but... just keep in mind the possibility that our dreams won't come true tonight. Just because it's such a big event doesn't mean that they will.

Lupine: Now that's just being negative! Sometimes, things are just meant to b... (starts to clean off the photo with the same cloth, then notices the residual acid is starting to eat away through the locket) OH GOD

*Lupine furiously tries to salvage the photo while Edwin hangs his head and sighs.*

Morgan Freeman: Hot sex, and kinky shenanigans!

*Back in Siren's room, Siren is putting a brooch over White Panther's cat ears. Silky the black cat slides by White Panther, filling her with some strange comfort.*

White Panther: Mew...

Siren: Okay! I have a dress from when I was eight that will fit you just perfectly!

White Panther: Oh yay.

*White Panther begins to change into the green dress that Siren provides.*

Siren: I heard you're stuck with Stampede as a date.

White Panther: ...Oh. Ugh yeah, he's so annoying.

Siren: (shakes head) You can find a nice boy at the party. I can help you!

White Panther: Um- no, that's fine! In fact... there's kinda someone I like alot.

Siren: Ooh, spicy! Why don't you tell me these things? Who is it?

White Panther: He's... well, I'll see him there, I know that. And I'll see how well we really work there.

Siren: You're cutting me out? I hope it's not someone else in the crew... that'd be a real shipwreck!

White Panther: Weren't you pairing us with random other crewmates the other week?

Siren: Yeah, but I realize that was a stupid idea. Hooking up with crewmates? We live together. We're all supposed to just be friends, forever.

*White Panther looks away in concern.*

Siren: Hey, it's okay. You're pretty, you can find someone. Just look at yourself.

*White Panther has put on the dress, which is miraculously a perfect fit, and Siren spins her around to face the mirror.*

Siren: Don't you look... so adorable?

White Panther: Wow... I've never felt so attracted to myself. ...Thank you, Siren.

Siren: Anytime, Little P!

*White Panther pauses and looks deeply at her reflection in the mirror, lost in pondering of many deep and complicated emotions.*

White Panther: WHAT SHOULD I EAT FOR DINNER

*Karl's a clown.*

Act Two

*The submarine soon docks at Count Gonad's ball, which is held within one of two giant ball-shaped buildings. The other ball is the Dooshville Community Theatre. All the pirates walk out in their elaborate costumes, usually with a tuxedo or dress. Karl's a clown*

One-Armed Willy: (wearing a fake mullet, goatee and styrofoam arm) Look at Karl, he's some kinda clown!

Karl: Know what, fuck you!

Scruffy: Hush Kark, your disguise is mute!

Karl: Kark? Damn that's badass, can I change my name? ...I'll be quiet.

*Stampede is wearing a scuba suit/tuxedo hybird with an open oxygen mask that his hair is contained within to resemble a lion's mane, has an eyepatch and an ammo belt slung around his chest. White Panther is beside him in a green dress, with a barracuda tattoo imprinted on her leg, and wearing a brooch over her animal ears.*

Stampede: You look, uh, human.

White Panther: Thanks. And you look... hairy.

*Stampede awkwardly holds out his arm. White Panther leaps up and manages to get a grip on his elbow as they walk through the doors.*

Karl: (sign languages) [Do I see motherfucking physical contact?]

ADD: Motherfucking physical contact indeed! Perfect Grade A proof of a secret relationship.

Nemo: I was bred not to believe you!

One-Armed Willy: Plus dipshitwipeassdickcocksucker, I'd like to point out they are barely even making contact! As if, oh I dunno, they don't have any interest in each other! What do you say to that, Dr. Cock-Sucker, with a PHD in sucking cock?

Karl: (gives middle finger)

One-Armed Willy: That means "I", right?

Scruffy: Enough of your banter! Let us enter and begin our mingling!

Morgan Freeman: After Karl releases his strangehold on Willy, they all nod and step through the doors into the exuberant party. Pirates are every fucking where doing crazy shit up the wazoo. A naked Gold Roger rides a horse past as the GCPA make their ways through the open area, eventually dispersing and spreading out while Scruffy walks over to the head table.

Count Gonad: Ah look! If it isn't our guest of honor, my old college dormmate Chester Eugene Box-Man!

Scruffy: Oh please, please. Call me Boxmin.

Gonad: Until the day you die. That's the pact we made.

*Gonad is at the central seat of the table. Two empty seats are at his side. Further seats contain people such as Gorenicus the gorilla pirate, Ninja Queen Vagineta, Pink Ninja, Darth Curry and eLFa.*

Darth Curry: (extends a hand, looking unusually creepy) A pleasure to meet you, Mister... Box-Man I presume. (grins maliciously)

Scruffy: Yeah... it's great to meet you too. Mister... (grips his hand and begins to shake)

Darth Curry: Curry. Doctor Curry.

Scruffy: You have a doctorate?

Darth Curry: There's a lot about me you don't know if you never listen. You look different in person... a bit scruffier, you might say.

Scruffy: (rubs cardboard surface) I have neglected to shave...

Pink Ninja: Dude, you just wasted five minutes not drinking beer!

Darth Curry: My bad! I'll make up the time! (starts drinking two cans at the same time)

Vagineta: (rubs forehead in shame) Excuse those guys. Pink Ninja's having a lot of fun with his new friend.

Scruffy: Excepted, ninja queen. I have heard tales of your cleavage in your hometown. To behold it in person is nothing short of an honor.

Morgan Freeman: Note that this is the traditional polite away of addressing a ninja queen, which Scruffy initially learned when looking up things he didn't want to ever say to ninjas. At this point Scruffy felt a dog of some sort rubbing against his leg. Looking down he saw No Name in a sexy-ass suit panting, with a leash around his neck going back to Vagineta. Scruffy silently petted him and slipped him some table scraps before returning to his destination while No Name scurried off.

Count Gonad: We have some others who are late, I'm sad to say. (motions to the two empty seats) New up-and-coming pirates. A pity. I'm sure you know our purposes here. Aside from being the host, I and several others are running for the position of pirate party candidate. The pirate king will choose (motions to Gold Roger texting furiously out of boredom in his throne at the end of the hall) after we all present. Our ninja friends are here for protection. I believe there are several visitors from the Bizarro World around as well. And Shiny Stallone from the Italian Party, the only party who doesn't feel like slitting our throats and raping our babies, is here for observation purposes but really to flaunt off his extremely gay lifestyle.

Scruffy: Sounds like the perfect ingredients for a party.

Count Gonad: (the two begin friendlily sissy-slapping each other) You old dog you!

Darth Curry: Remind me, just remind me Mr. Box-Man, where did you and Gonad dorm at again? Please, please show me how much you know about yourself.

Scruffy: Oh that's, that's such a basic question that it's so easy to answer in the way I'm going to answer it right now, I mean it's such common knowledge I don't think I should even waste time naming it. We were in U... U... the Uni...

Darth Curry: Wait, are you saying you don't remember what college you and the count went to?

Gonad: No no you fool, we went to UUtheUni, or as we preferred to call it... KALAMAZOO! (does jazz hands, Scruffy catches on and does the same a split-second later)

Darth Curry: Of course. I don't mean anything about it towards your, old friend. (looks towards Scruffy with creepy knowing smile)

Gorenicus: (vomits feces all over the table)

*Lupine walks over towards a table with Edwin and Dreamer, with a jovial look on his face.*

Lupine: Oh man... things are so great, I just wanna sing! A-

Edwin: Stop.

Lupine: But-

Edwin: No.

Lupine: I wanted this to be a musical episode!

Edwin: This is written text. It would just look like stupid poetry.

Lupine: It would have been cool...

Dreamer: It would have been nice to examine the inner workings of our soul in poetic form.

Edwin: It also would be nice to be played by Bill Murray in the movie but none of us are Wes Anderson are we?

Lupine: Okay, okay, okay. Okay. But I have a good feeling about that girl. She's somewhere here, I just know it.

Edwin: You don't really have much of an idea, do you?

Lupine: (scratches chest) I have this strange feeling in my chest... I just know she's here. It reminds me of... that one time that we met...

---

Morgan Freeman: We're flashing back children. A young Marko and Lucifer are at a ninja dojo, working out.

Lucifer: This is stupid, man! You said we'd get chicks!

Marko: No, no, we learn how to get chicks here. We learn the art of chivalry, and then we can truly impress the ladies.

Lucifer: Fuck that, I got cigarettes and a stolen moped! What girl will say no to that?

Marko: A girl of refined grace and dignity! The kind of girl you see in dreams.

Lucifer: Yeah, wet dreams! Ohohoho, me and my amazing prepubescent wit! But seriously, you need a girl you can be with in reality. Take that fucking princess. She's making fucking sexy eyes at you.

*Cut to Vagineta dressed as a ninja schoolgirl, blinking seductively towards him.*

Marko: But she is not a classical beauty. You don't understand me!

Sensei: Shizuka! If you all want us to beat Master Turtle-Nuts in the big softball game, you all better get serious!

Lucifer: Sensei, why don't we battle them in actual martial arts?

Ninja Master: Fool! Martial arts must only be used in the most extreme of circumstances! Marko, you must get over your "esta monana" attitude and get serious! Now everyone, spar!

*Marko and Lucifer immediately pair off with each other, and Marko is shoved over onto his back five times in a row when he is stunned seeing a red-headed girl facing off with Vagineta. Vagineta notices Marko's look and assumes a jealous scowl.*

Vagineta: Senseii! The new girl had this on her! (holds up a pirate doubloon while also holding Ren's hands behind her back)

Sensei: Ren! How dare you betray the ninja code by not being a ninja to begin wi GET SERIOUS!

Marko: NO!

*Marko springs into action, kicking Sensei in the face and knocking her over, then kicking her way through every other student in the room, including Lucifer. He then lies on his back, winded and rubbing his face, as he looks up at Ren.*

Ren: Thanks for the help. ...But I gotta fly!

Marko: I'll see you again one day... won't I?

Ren: Sure. (begins to leave, then returns and kisses Lupine, and then leaves)

Marko: I will resign myself to my fate, and await the day that you return.

---

Morgan Freeman: Return to present.

Edwin: Okay story, too many obscure references.

Dreamer: Whatever happened to that Lucifer fellow?

Lupine: (tears up) He died for our sins.

Edwin: Wait, he was on that island with us. He tried to make you his slave or take your place on the crew or something stupid like that. Why is everyone always conspiring against you?

Lupine: Lucifer was my friend, I know it... Even after I started hanging out with Scruffy instead of him. It's weird though... sometimes things to seem to go really wrong with me... (scratches chest nervously)

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere, in a mysterious room of a mysterious place...

Que Pasa: (clutching Dark Siren's arm) This is so damn creepy. Just look at him.

Dark Siren: Please don't stand so close to me.

*They approach what seems to be a giant black rock, complete with a mohawk. And a golden chain surrounding it.*

Que Pasa: What did they do to him...

Dark Siren: Something you don't easily recover from. He took two of those whorecruxes down, though. ...Let's just get what we need and get outta here.

Que Pasa: (nods, pulls out a pair of atomic pliers, then shivers as he brings it closer to the petrified Mr. T) Errr...

Dark Siren: Dammit, do I have to do everything? (psychically guides Que Pasa's hand, and they clip a piece of gold off of the necklace)

Que Pasa: (sticks the gold in his Millennium Nose) I'm... I'm gonna be okay.

Dark Siren: (pats him on the back) Good. Now let's go, we are so late for the ball it is not funny at all.

Que Pasa: Rightightight.

*They quickly enter the limo, which speeds off across the ocean.*

Morgan Freeman: Back at the party, which is akin to the kind that is held within my mouth without anyone being denied invitation...

*Stampede and White Panther are toasting with their drinks that I will not waste the imagination to specify.*

Stampede: A toast.

White Panther: To our mutual dislike of eachother.

Stampede: Our mutual strong dislike of each other.

White Panther: (raises eyebrow) Oh.

*They quickly perform the toast and drink down their drinks, when Siren sits herself in another of the table's seats.*

Siren: Ooh, are we doing toasts? I've prepared for this!

*Siren pulls a thing of vodka out of her cleavage.*

Stampede: Yeah, I'm not doing this.

Siren: And I found a guy! He might have friends for you too, Little P! He says he's one of those... vampier mermaids. He's so dreamy!

*She motions to Keanu Reeves, who is drifting near the table wearing a tuxedo with an unusually long coat.*

Keanu Reeves: (sparkles) Whoa.

White Panther: ...Ah thanks, but no thanks. I think I'll settle for a pirate guy, y'know? Staying within our territory

Skanky Siren: Little P... do you think we'll be pirates forever?

Stampede: As long as it's fun. ...But I gotta admit, all of this organization crap is gonna be really annoying if I'm the new captain. I like to leave all the non-battle strategy thinking to the top three, you know?

White Panther: We still have lots of fun.

Siren: Right. Let's just you and me have the shot Little P, it'll be awesome!

White Panther: Um... uh, sure what's the worst that can happen?

*Siren and White Panther both fill their shot glasses, and toast.*

Siren: We're gonna make history one day!

White Panther: Um yeah, sure, to that.

*They then drink each other's shots down.*

Stampede: (blinks) What just happened?

*They do that. At another table, Karl, One-Armed Willy, Nemo, Mini-Myself and ADD are arguing while playing poker and having drinks.*

Nemo: O

One-Armed Willy: Fuck up, Nemo!

Shiny Stallone: I couldn't have said it better myself.

*Shiny Stallone appears, looking calm, confident and smug while seated on Lance Bass's shoulders.*

Karl: [Look who it motherfucking is!] (shakes Shiny's foot with his hand)

Shiny Stallone: I don't understand poor languages. Regardless, I can spot you guys in disguise from a mile away but I have a proposition for you all. Now see here boys, I feel bad about having left you here to rot away on old Scruffy's crew. There's no future in the pirate business, you see. But there is a future in my business. I need some card sharks for my new casino, and you four are the best I can consider. Or rather, two of the best I can consider plus One-Armed Willy and Nemo.

Karl: Hold on a second, apply the handbrakes and adjust your rear view mirrors! You asking us to leave behind our pirate crew?

Mini-Myself: That's a tough one...

Shiny Stallone: You're not being considered, tiny traitor. As for the rest of you, there is no rush. You have the rest of the night to make your final decision. Just know that I will become World President for the Italian Party. And first thing I'll do is round up you loons and lock you up if you're still sailing the seas. Proceed to deliberate.

*Shiny Stallone stuffs a small treat into Lance Bass's mouth, at which point he proceeds to march off with Stallone aboard.*

ADD: Guys, we gotta think. Is this big job worth leaving the crew?

One-Armed Willy: I'm all for it. If it helps us get away from CONNIVING, HELLISH EX GIRLFRIENDS!

Mini-Myself: Hey! I didn't even get an offer, what the hell man! I'm sick of being left out of everything!

Nemo: I don't know man... I'm having a lot of fun here, and people are starting to give me minimal respect!

*Stampede passes, casually slamming Nemo's face into his food as he passes. Everyone then looks towards Karl for some sort of final decision.*

Karl: Gentlemen, I know of one thing that can make our decisions much easier and guilt free. (tosses everyone a beer and pops open his own) Bombs afucking way!

*They all start to chug down.*

Karl: I say... we work on our resumes. Just in case. See where it goes... Mini-Myself, you and Nemo willl be in charge of the Stamp-Panther watch.

Mini-Myself: If it gives me something to do! (walks off annoyedly)

Nemo: Just make my resume look good! (runs off after Mini-Myself)

*That Krazy Dude bravely sweeps his way across the dance floor as he seeks his next wench. However, he is then bowled off his feet as Edwin runs past him, seemingly moving solely by instinct.*

That Krazy Dude: (grips purse close to him) Turkey legs Edwito, you run like Baldo!

*At the same time, from the other side of the ball No Name is running with his ever-expanding leash, like a dog chasing a car I remember a scene in one movie I saw as a kid where a dog with one of those extending leashes ran into the street and died why did they put that in a movie. The two meet in the center of the room with a hug intense enough to emit a sonic boom throughout the ball.*

Edwin: I missed you so much!

No Name: I always wanted to be in a ball with you Baby Edwito!

Edwin: Why'd you leave me Daddy? After Mommy left that one night to get Batman cigarettes and never returned, you left me with Daddy 2 who burned me with a monkey-lighting igniter!

No Name: Shh shh, it's okay. Daddy didn't leave you because he didn't love you, he only left you because he loved Mommy 2's massive cleavage more! Lemme introduce you (motions to Vagineta)!

Edwin: I already met her, those other times she tried to kill us.

No Name: She's on our side now. Or at least, she's on my side, of the bed.

Edwin: Well, how do you expect me to survive without you guys!

No Name: You know Edwin, you're right. There are a lot of attractive girls around here too. (several members of the Transvestite Pirate Guild stroll past) We can find your the perfect babysitter here!

Edwin: Orrr a girlfriend of some sort. Just putting that out there.

No Name: Haha! Let's go, old mate! (wraps arm around Edwin's head and begins beating on it rapidly)

Morgan Freeman: At the same time, Count Gonad has shown his guests had the head table that he is capable of bench-pressing the table with his penis. Everyone looks at least mildly disgusted. Astericks, take over while I

*Morgan Freeman vomits profusely.*

Gonad: I'd go on to my next trick, but it looks like my latest guest has arrived. A pair of a up-and-comers in the area of pirates who are undeniably evil.

*Right on cue, a limo with a drill in the front tunnels up from the ground. Que Pasa and Dark Siren stumble out.*

Que Pasa: We made it! I can't believe it!

Dark Siren: Of course, the twentieth set of instructions worked pretty well.

Que Pasa: Yeah, there were more Douche Drives than one could imagine.

*They make their ways to the the table, leaving the limo lying there in the center of the room and take their seats around the roundtable.*

Scruffy: Tell me who these elegant young flowers are.

Count Gonad: The one that doesn't have boobs is Que Pasa, who once was one of our most hated enemies in that Golden Cheesecake crew I've told you about. However, he has turned around and shown great potential for evil. I look forward to using him for the good of my own causes. As for the one who does not not have boobs, that is Dark Siren. The evil half of another of those pirates made solid, I believe. Which makes her notably not good and thus on our side. Did I mention she has boobs?

Dark Siren: I'm more than just a living primal force of emotions. Everything about me is solid, guys.

Scruffy: Quite nice to know. You two must be so proud.

Count Gonad: Just like that time in Master Beta fraternity, eh Boxmin?

Scruffy: Um, uh, yes that is so. Those were good times, the best times.

Darth Curry: (appears in Scruffy's lap) Really? Tell me more about this. Details, lots of details. As only you and our illustrious count would know. (strokes Scruffy's chin) You're building up quite the chin hairs here. Correct me, but didn't your biography say you were allergic to chin hairs?

Scruffy: That, was a typo in my memoirs. It was actually pubic hair. (Gonad nods in confirmation) And at that party this happened, and that happened, and some other things as well.

Gonad: Ah, you always knew how to tell a story!

*Scruffy tosses Curry across the table, and Gonad catches him then tosses him back. They toss him back and forth for no reason for a little while.*

Que Pasa: How lovely.

Scruffy: Hey count, I'd like to talk the new guy in, alright?

Count Gonad: Classic Box-Man. Yes, be my guesticle. The Molestation Closet is twelve left turns away, don't be too far.

Scruffy: Alright. Come on, boy.

*Scruffy takes a confused Que Pasa by the hand and leads him away, he meekly waves to Dark Siren as he leaves.*

Dark Siren: Have fun! (turns to Darth Curry and nods)

Darth Curry: It is good to hear that all is going according to plan.

*At the table, Karl, ADD and One-Armed Willy are drunkenly scribbling their resumes down furiously on napkins.*

Karl: I KO'd twelve hookers that night, right?

ADD: Hm... I think the twelfth was me actually when Siren made me wear a dress.

Karl: Wait, she was away that weekend...

One-Armed Willy: (slams hand on table) GUYS! I finished my resume!

Karl: Mothermotherfucker, I love you man.

ADD: I love everyone.

Karl: Lemme look this over (swipes from Willy) Hmm... you forgot something, hear let me write it in.

*Karl writes in under skills, "crying about it".*

Karl: It's good now man.

ADD: The bottom half is nothing but half-finished drawings of skateboards, some of which have become a dragon in the other half.

One-Armed Willy: Dude, I think Shiny Stallone will be so impressed with me that he'll make me the chief artist, or, or, maybe skateboarding guy.

Karl: Willy, you're so screwed I just wanna laugh a few more times. Speaking of laughing at failure, we still have to do Nemo's resume for him. He even let us borrow his right to an attorney.

ADD: I... I got an idea. (blinks drunkenly, then pulls out a laptop) Let's just print out screencaps of gay porn and tape them to a paper with his name on it.

One-Armed Willy: I love you dickweeds.

ADD: I love... I love all of you, I mean it man, every last one of you.

Karl: I love you guys too.

One-Armed Willy: No, but... I love you more.

ADD: No, no... I can feel my love. It's, I love you guys.

Karl: Guys... let's never grow up. I have plenty of words of wisdom... after I dig into this flounder.

*Scruffy and Que Pasa enter the Molestation Closet after awkwardly having to wait for the first couple to come out.*

Que Pasa: Mr. Box-Man you have to know, I'm new to this thing. I haven't even done anything with Dark Siren, what body parts do I need to-

*Scruffy tosses off his box mask and punches Que Pasa in the gut, then hugs him, then kicks him in the crotch.*

Scruffy: On your feet, soldier.

Que Pasa: ...Cap'n?

Scruffy: That's right, boy. Explain this confusing plotline to me.

Que Pasa: Well, see, me and Dark Siren have been hitting it off well, and we're conning the entire pirate world so that we can become pirate king and queen or something. I'm not exactly sure myself, she's in charge of plan-making.

Scruffy: Pasa, women are hot and have boobs and give life fulfillment, but you can't throw away everything you have for one. You belong on our crew, that's what you were born for. And that Dark Siren isn't even really real... and have you ever taken that she's made up from all of Siren's inner badness seriously?

Que Pasa: I just figured she'd be more naughty than evil. And it's been fun so far. I don't even know if the real Siren misses me.

Scruffy: She's here. We're all here, Pasa. Why don't you make your final decision about the kind of life you want to lead? In my opinion, some fantasies are just not worth chasing after you've been proven time and time again wrong. I don't want you to be like Lupine, chasing shadows of some girl you barely know for years. As for me, I have a world to save. Next time I see you again, you'd better have a damn good excuse if you're not rejoining our crew.

*Scruffy puts the Box mask back on while Que Pasa salutes him, and they hug once more before he leaves the room. Que Pasa then steps out after covering himself in various liquids within the closet and pretending to walk within a limp.*

*Back to Karl's table, which has one more. Karl is talking to Que Pasa, who is furiously taking down notes.*

Karl: ...But they never found the body, so it was okay. And that's my life story.

Que Pasa: Don't worry, Karl. One day you'll find that Pokemon card.

One-Armed Willy: Que Dicksucksa! What do you think about leaving the crew?

Que Pasa: See? You guys don't even really care about the crew. That's why I left. If you really wanna go, just go.

*Karl, One-Armed Willy and MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMADD (it took me that long to remember who the third person was) stroked their chins in thought. At the same time, Siren leaves Stampede and White Panther's diagonal table with Keanu Reeves.*

Que Pasa: Speaking of going, I got a few other places I gotta go to. (darts off)

Karl: ...What?

Morgan Freeman: Diagonally...

*Nemo and Mini-Myself are disguised as scrubs while Stampede and White Panther are quietly eating at a table.*

Mini-Myself: (wearing fake spiky brown hair) Look at us ladies, we're doctors!

Nemo: (wearing blonde wig) I knew we should have disguised ourselves as shrubs, but you had to make a typo on the costume website!

*They suddenly become aware of a looming presence and they spin around to see That Krazy Dude looking down at them.*

That Krazy Dude: Did I ever tell you about that I got struck by lightning thirteen times?

Mini-Myself: Yes, as many times as I've told you about that girl who wanted to study pirate geometry with you.

*That Krazy Dude silently roller-skates away.*

Nemo: You never told me.

That Krazy Dude: (suddenly appears directly in front of Nemo) I was walking then lightning hit me right there in my pelvis at a disco club they called me the boy who lived then, destined to defeat the Dark Lord from behind.

Nemo: And I thought that was just a tattoo!

Morgan Freeman: Then, just like the wind and Duke Nukem Forever, he was gone.

Mini-Myself: Enough you fool, we must stalk our friends!

Morgan Freeman: STFU Mini-Myself and let me narrate. Now as they were saying this, Stampede and White Panther were twiddling their thumbs on the table, seemingly doing absolutely nothing. Okay, maybe you guys can talk more.

Que Pasa: What the hell are you doing, Prince and Princess GAY?

Nemo: We're spying on Stampede and White Panther to see how close they are.

Que Pasa: They hate each other. But hey, there's only one way to find out. Follow my lead. (walks over towards Stampede and White Panther's table)

Mini-Myself: He's gonna blow our cover isn't he.

*Nemo shakes his head, and they both rush over to the table. Que Pasa climbs atop the table and lays seductively atop it.*

Que Pasa: How you doing?

Nemo: Hey guys!

White Panther: What's up.

Stampede: Hey, what the fuck's going on? Nemo, why you trying to be a Dominican Sarah Chalke? And Que Pasa, how the hell are you doing?

White Panther: Que Pasaaaa

Mini-Myself: Umm...

Que Pasa: Nemo, can I see the sack you carry around to collect platanos?

Nemo: Um... yeah, sure...

*Nemo hands a sack to Que Pasa, who empties out the plantains casually.*

Que Pasa: Right, right... what a very nice bag...

*Que Pasa quickly tosses the sack over White Panther and runs off with her in it. Nemo and Mini-Myself remain frozen there for a while and then run after him.*

Stampede: What the hell! (bites into one of the plantains)

Morgan Freeman: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT NO NAME AND EDWIN. SWITCH TO THEM.

No Name: Hot chickadee at twelve o' clock!

Edwin: (rotates head until he sees her) Wait... what?

*The girl approaches in a silver dress and looks strangely like a younger version of the barmaid from the first chapter.*

No Name: You're looking quite scandily-clad tonight, madam!

???: (looks at No Name) Dad?

Edwin: (eyes roll back, he faints)

No Name: HAHA, CLASSIC! (picks him up and slaps him into being awake)

Edwin: Start from the beginning. And No Name, get me the hardest drink you can find.

No Name: (nods and walks off)

???: You don't know me, not yet. But my name is Zandy. I'm your daughter from the future.

Edwin: Homina, homina, homina! Why are you here, now, instead of back in your room in the future for giving me a heart attack, assuming any of this is true?!

Zandy: I was sent here from our future in order to prevent my future's future prevention, while in the process preventing a far worse future.

Edwin: (begins spasming wildly on the floor)

Zandy: We don't have much time! I was sent here from a very good future. My time machine's in the closet upstairs... but I'm here to ensure that the good future comes instead of the very bad future. I have a list of things that must happen to ensure good things happen, rather than the bad things that are easily coming.

Edwin: Do they teach people how to be as confusing as possible in the future? And they really sent you here alone, with those tiny little limbs?

No Name: (returns with a cup full of rocks, struggling to hold back his most childish grin)

Edwin: (looks at No Name flatly)

Zandy: Well that's why I have this metallic exoskeleton to break things. Uncle Name here built it himself out of parts leftover from his mechanical condum (lifts No Name into the air and begins juggling him),

No Name: Eeeeaaaagle!

Edwin: I still don't buy it.

No Name: She's from the future, Edwin! Everything she says is right! Tell me Magic Gypsy, will I have lots of babies?

Zandy: Yes No Name, you will have lots and lots of behbes.

No Name: Yes!

Edwin: Speaking about babies, I just gotta know. You look so much like her, are you supposed to be the daughter of that barmaid who ditched me?

Zandy: (bobs her head)

Edwin: I don't even see how this will work. She ditched me on our date, and I sure as hell ain't going back to that island. Sure, we were hitting it off well until then, but still!

Zandy: She told me about that time. She told me it was because of a terrible downpour.

Edwin: Oh, so she couldn't get a little wet, is that it?

Zandy: She actually can't. She must not have told you yet, but my mom... is a sand-witch. She's made of sand and has magic powers. But rain would just... wash her away.

Edwin: Poppycock, hogwash-

No Name: Hogcock.

Edwin: If she-

No Name: Hancock II: Hogcock.

Edwin: She shoould have told me. This doesn't change anything. You're just a figment from another future. Which won't happen, because she's just another girl I won't see again.

Zandy: (sniff)

No Name: You're making our future teller cry! Come on girly, we'll help you do things!

Zandy: Yay!

*White Panther is tied to a chair with Que Pasa, Nemo and Mini-Myself idly awaiting nearby, the latter two having changed into Iranian terrorist variations of their Scrubs costumes.*

Que Pasa: You know why we did this. You know it was for your own good.

White Panther: No I don't.

Que Pasa: Really? Cuz I don't. These two gentlemen seem to know why.

Nemo: Well thank you, but actually we-

Que Pasa: By which I mean gentleWOMEN. WHO WEAR TAMPONS!

Mini-Myself: Wtf man, I'm not Nemo! Why are you insulting me too?

Que Pasa: Insultation by association, it's my mutant power.

White: So. Why have I been kidnapped?

Nemo: It's just for fun!

Mini-Myself: You know, we could always just ask her directly.

Nemo: No man, that takes all the fun out of it!

Mini-Myself: Damn you Iranian Elliot, can't you agree with me for once!

White Panther: (has clawed her way free and is stretching) Um, can you at least use something that will actually hold me.

Que Pasa: (begins to drag metal chains out of his Millenium Nose) That can be arranged.

Nemo: We'll practice our dance moves while you do that!

*Nemo dances with Frenchie while Mini-Myself dances with the Dreamer.*

Nemo: You know, I modified the toaster to be powered by reggaeton.

Frenchie: Oohlala. (out of the corner of her eye sees a table advertising Hippie Camp) Hmm...

Dreamer: Minish Myselfish, why do you keep looking at that one other table with those royals?

Mini-Myself: They can't tell because of my disguise, but those are my parents there. My backstory which is just now being pulled out of someone's ass involves me being a runaway prince who left my kingdom to avoid kingly responsibility as well as an arranged marriage with a crazy chick.

Dreamer: How fascinating. I shall file that info under "things I should give a crap about."

Que Pasa: (runs up covered in slash marks) Wait, before this scene ends, I got a cool line. Hey Dreamer, are you really the Dreamer, or just part of someone else's dream?

Dreamer: Ah...

Que Pasa: I'll go get you all more drinks while your minds are busy being blwon.

Morgan Freeman: Lupine finds himself alone at his table.

Lupine: Dreamer was whisked away by someone else who wanted to dance with her, and Edwin just darted off for some strange reason. Aw man... why can't Siren help me?

*At this point Salama yoinks Lupine out of his chair.*

Salama: I need your help!

Lupine: What is it?

Salama: My ex, Shiny Stallone, and his skanky new boyfriend have challenged me to a dance-off. You're the closest thing to another gay man who can dance I know!

Lupine: But... no!

Salama: Please. For a friend.

Lupine: Fine! But I have several conditions.

*Lupine puts a rose in his mouth, and he and Salama begin to groove their way towards Shiny and Lance Bass. They each do their first dance, which is nothing too special.*

Lupine: And I get to bring out the bad boys! (begins twirling glowsticks)

Salama: How are we gonna dance while you...

*Lupine begins energetically fighting the air- no wait dancing, with the glowsticks, while Salama dances back but moreso seems to be manipulating his body to dodge all of Lupine's moves. Shiny Stallone, who is grinding with Lance Bass nearby, glares towards them. Mini-Myself pops out of nowhere, responding with his own glowstick fu dancing.*

Salama: We need... something... a bit more... intimate!

Lupine: The glowsticks stay!

*As he said this, he violently thrust forward, accidentally tossing the glowstick across the room.*

One-Armed Willy: MY EYE! WHAT THE FUCK!

Lupine: ...Fine.

*Lupine and Salama begin to slow dance and look passionately into each other's eyes.*

Shiny Stallone: (appears there) i'm jealous let's get back together.

Salama: (leaps into his arms) k.

Lance Bass: (whines, horse noises)

Lupine: Tease. (walks off kicking a rock and looking at locket, then violently jerked back when One-Armed Willy strangles him from behind with the glowstick)

One-Armed Willy: NOT SO COOL NOW HUH LUPINE!

*Que Pasa grooves his way across the dance floor, inspiring new schools of funk, when he is suddenly knocked off balance by Stampede.*

Stampede: Dude! Where the hell is White Panther man!

Que Pasa: Calm down Guzworth! After all you hate the woman, why are you in such a rush to find her?

Stampede: How about it is because I want to find her so I can beat her up. And I am in such a rage that if I do not find her first, I will beat you down instead!

Que Pasa: Fine. She's down in that other room insert random landmark and actual directions here. But don't worry, she's fine. I have Nemo and Mini-Myself feeding her regularly- there will be no repeat of my previous hostage situation.

Stampede: But dude-man, what have you been up to all this time since you left us?

Que Pasa: Adventuring and such. Trying to get my dreams off the ground-

No Name: (noogies Que Pasa from behind) Try getting your face off from behind!

*Edwin is piggybacking on No Name's shoulders, with Zandy (ice cream cone in hand) on Edwin's shoulders.*

Edwin: We're the ghost of Christmas past!

Stampede: Dudes!

Que Pasa: These guys!

No Name: I'm gonna cut straight to the meat and cheese of this scene and tell you all the secrets of true love.

Que Pasa: Duuude that is exactly what I was gonna ask you regarding.

No Name: You're all wondering "oh do I really feel love or just strong like" like pansies. Those are pansy thoughts! You just gotta wait for those moments. They'll come if you're around enough. Those times when you think, "Oh shit! I care about this person!" Moments like those that I have with Vagineta make me think I made the right choice.

*Stampede, Que Pasa, Edwin and Lupine (listening in from a nearby table) all stroke their chins in pondrance.*

Stampede: I got some thinkings to do. (exits the scene in some kinda metal fashion; fire is involved)

Que Pasa: You two, I missed more than I could imagine. Also, who's that girl.

Edwin: Daughter from the future. Zandy.

Que Pasa: She can live as long as your son has my name.

Zandy: Nice to meet you too!

Que Pasa: There's no more time for smalltalk, and never any time for Smallville, do you have any idea how long this freaking chapter is? No Name, I have a lot of things to get through tonight. I just have to know whether or not everything I feel is an illusion. And if I can break free of it all. I must be on my way...

No Name: (grabs Que Pasa's shoulder) ratio tile, the wish power are together with you.

Que Pasa: (tears up and embraces No Name for several minutes before realizing his face is in Edwin's crotch)

Edwin: I'll miss you too.

Zandy: And meeee.

Que Pasa: Oh yeah love you guys too, seeya. (backflips away)

*Que Pasa continues backflipping across the dancefloor. And then he sees That Krazy Dude there, solemnly sweeping about.*

Que Pasa: Krazy.

That Krazy Dude: That's my name in the English version. In international versions I am known as Wacky White Supremist.

Que Pasa: In my version you are the prince of saints. Something's off, here. Why are you so sad?

That Krazy Dude: Sad? Sad? This is but a state of my being. It is as unexplained as all of my actions.

Que Pasa: I can tell you're depressed in some way, just tell me! I see... I feared this day would come. (pulls out Batman action figure) Tell me, where did Lupine touch you?

That Krazy Dude: (eats the Batman action figure through his nose)

Que Pasa: (scribbles furiously on notepad) Chicks, have you scored with them?

That Krazy Dude: Tonight, I have but one damsel sailing my ship. (motions to a bee buzzing around him) I call her Bee-trice. She has buzzed about me all night like a vaginal razor. My mop Stella is jealous.

Que Pasa: See? You're a worldly man, a man of Manny manly many women. I feel like only you have the answers I truly seek. What are the secrets of love?

That Krazy Dude: (pauses) It's like ice cream. It's delicious and wonderful when you indulge in it... but then once you're done, you're just cold.

Que Pasa: Publish a book of poems soaked in tears and monkey fat. I'm more concerned with finding a source that does not finish. Do not such things exist?

That Krazy Dude: Ask the parallelogram.

Que Pasa: True... all of it is parallel. All of us are parallel. Even if maybe things could be perfect between two people, they might be trapped on parallel tracks. That way, no matter how close they may come, they will never directly touch.

That Krazy Dude: Unless one takes the path to intersect. hypothalamus QED

Morgan Freeman: Looking ahead, Que Pasa sees Siren standing within the dance floor. Sting's "Fields of Gold" starts to play while everyone falls into slow dancing. Que Pasa slowly takes several steps forward. At the same time Count Gonad approaches the podium. Scruffy, Curry and Dark Siren all look up towards him intently.

Count Gonad: You all know who I am. I am going to tell you all why I am the best pirate to run for president. I have been cheated out of my claims for greatness before... like by that cad Saget, who picked some lowly janitor over me as his apprentice. (That Krazy Dude gives enthusiastic thumbs-up in audience)

Morgan Freeman: He passes No Name dancing with Vagineta. And nearby Edwin dances with Zandy standing on his shoes.

Count Gonad: I have met defeat time and time over the years, it is true. But is time for a change. Time that I took control.

Morgan Freeman: He passes Lupine, who strolls towards the punch bowl to refresh himself between bouts on the dance floor. Lupine then notices something dripping into the punch. Looking up, he sees something dripping out of a cup being held by a person in the upper balconies. Whoever that was or whatever that liquid was became an unimportant plot point as one of the other people chatting on that balcony was undeniably the girl from Lupine's photo.

Lupine: Ren! (begins to wall-jump towards her)

Count Gonad: It's time I got what my due. And I've taken precautions to ensure that you will accept me as your new big boss.

Morgan Freeman: He passes Karl, ADD, Nemo, Mini-Myself and One-Armed Willy approach Shiny Stallone, who has his arms wrapped around Salama while Lance Bass is begrudgingly fanning them.

Karl: We've all compiled a list of places where you can shove your job opening; your ass won the pool.

Shiny Stallone: (severely as he narrows his eyes) It now has somewhere to swim at the least.

Morgan Freeman: Siren then seems to look at him and directly into his eyes. However, as he is about to call out to her Keanu Reeves bumps past him from behind and steps forward to dance with her. And Que Pasa watches the entire world spin around him. And at the same time Stampede shoves his way towards White Panther's location.

Count Gonad: You fools. Every last one of you. Never taking a look at your ol' Gonad. I have the remedy for that!

*Count Gonad begins pressing a red button; Gloria Estefan's Conga begins blaring. Everyone, every single last person in the party, immediately drops what they were just doing and begins a synchronized dance to it, while their attention is focused solely on Gonad.*

Count Gonad: Good, good. That's much better now, isn't it? See, I demand a certain amount of respect. After all, I have been a stunt double for Hollywood's finest, from Christopher Lee to Sean Connery! I demand respect in a certain amount!

*Rudolph motionlessly looks up to Gold Roger from his place near White Panther, who has broken the chains through dance.

Count Gonad: I know, most of you have dismissed me as a threat after my previous master disowned me. It seems often he is the only one who truly wields power in these seas... leaving the rest of us to pale in his villaining shadow. You know who I speak of as well as I do. And it's fine to say his name. Saget. It is safe to say this, because now he is the one who is powerless, and begging for his life. I am ushering in a new era. The days of the pirates are gone.

*The vampire mermaids slink out from their hiding places. As Keanu Reeves slips out from the crowd, Que Pasa slinks his way towards Siren and soon is dancing finding her.*

Count Gonad: With Gold Roger's blessing, we shall become the vampire mermaid party. We shall usher in a new world order, the age of vampire mermaids! The navy shall be replaced by a vampire hunting guild! All the of the world's youth shall lust after us! It is new, it is fresh. And there is nothing anyone can do to stop us. Not when we have the most powerful power in the world in our basement. I can announce this with great clarity, World: we have captured Bob Saget. Without him the World-Mucking Federation is powerless. He is right here, in this very building, awaiting his death once I see fit. And there is nothing left for you all to do but watch as the Pirate King makes my world official. Go ahead.

*At the same time, Que Pasa reaches up towards her hands, while she blinks and opens her own in acceptance.*

Gold Roger: (nods as he pirouettes) Very well, Count Gonad. I hereby declare you the presidential candidate of- (ventilated by machine gun fire)

Count Gonad: What the-

Act Three

*Rudolph stands, with smoke flowing from the machine gun barrels of his hands, his nose glowing scarlet red while Gold Roger lies dead at his feet. The spell is broken- everyone breaks off from the dance and begins running and screaming about as the walls begin to explode. Que Pasa and Siren's hands are linked for approximately half a second before the sudden explosions cause them to bounce off each other.*

Rudolph: The Viking Party has seen fit to keep Mr. Saget intact for the moment.

*Several Viking warships sail in through the halls. Various viking grunts spill into the room and begin slaughtering everyone. Santa Claws rushes into the thick of the battle.*

Count Gonad: We're under attack! This is completely unexpected!

Scruffy: This is my chance...

*Scruffy rushes up to the podium and shoves Gonad out of the way.*

Scruffy: Pirates of the world! You don't have to put on the red light! (tosses off box mask) I am Captain Monkeyman Scruffy of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada! Follow me if you'd like to live!

Darth Curry: (dumbfounded) Wait a second... that wasn't Box-Man?!

Pink Ninja: We have other problems to worry about.

*More and more Vikings pour and pour in.*

Darth Curry: Nope. They're on our side.

*Among the Vikings are their guides- John Stamos, Dave Coulier, the Conjoined Olsen Twins and Kimmy Gibbler. Darth Curry smirks and stabs Gorenicus in the back. Vagineta is then surrounded by the Vikings, Curry and Pink Ninja while eLFa looks on in confusion.*

Vagineta: What is this?

Darth Curry: Give me your crown. We're in charge now.

*At the same time, Gonad withdraws his dildoesque lightsaber.*

Count Gonad: Monkeyman Scruffy, you cad! You deceived me!

Scruffy: (withdraws a scimatar and enshrouds with with flames) Let's dance, mothafucka.

*John Stamos is encroached on a ledge above them with a creepy grin on his face. He then leaps down confront the two.*

*Lupine, at this point, is swinging from the chandelier. He makes one bold leap towards the balcony.*

Lupine: REEEEEEEEEEE-

*Their eyes link for one moment, before Lupine is overcome by a sharp pain in his chest.*

Lupine: (clutches chest, feeling a large lump under his shirt) -EEEAAAARRGHHHH!!!

*Doing so causes him to smack against the balcony and begin falling straight to the floor. As he falls, he tears his suit open to find Wally biting into his chest. They look each other in the eyes as Lupine continues screaming, and then slams down on the ground, but landing on Wally. At the sight of this, the woman's eyes fill with horror, and she flees.*

Lupine: I bet you liked tha- (Vikings pile on top of him)

*Rudolph waves his machine gun arms around while Nemo, Mini-Myself and White Panther stand there, immobilized.*

White Panther: Why are you doing this?

Nemo: We could have been big!

Mini-Myself: Why am I still HERE?!

Rudolph: ...

*Santa Claws steps out from behind them, the devil's grin framed by his facial hair.*

Santa Claws: You stupid fools. He is not speaking because I have turned off his personality. You do realize, that all he is and ever has been is a robot. Produced by Viking technology and sent with you pirates not outof some stupid pact agreement... but to prepare for a moment like this. When we could have you all at your most vulnerable. You don't understand it yet- and how could it, when you are stupid pirates- but this whole pirate era is coming to an end. I can tell you for a fact that not a single pirate here will leave her alive. The Viking Horde is in full force tonight.

Nemo: Say it ain't so!

Rudolph: ...

Santa Claws: Now, Rudolph, do as your Viking programming commands. Kill the pirate scum.

*Nemo, Mini-Myself and White Panther all huddle together in fear.*

White Panther: How can we hurt him? He was our friend!

Mini-Myself: And, he's made of metal. Just putting that out there.

Nemo: No. He's our friend, I know it. There's gotta be someway to reach out to him!

Mini-Myself: Um, umm... Flashing...

White Panther: Lights, lights?

Nemo: Rakkata, rakkata!

*Rudolph freezes in place.*

Santa Claws: What's wrong with you, stupid machine? Why can't you move?

Rudolph: ...

Santa Claws: Damn you fools, I'll have to do it myself!

Rudolph: (nose blinking extremely fast) Run.

*Nemo and Mini-Myself nod and run off, not noticing that White Panther has stayed behind. Summoning all of her jungle animal strength, she pounces forward through the air at Rudolph and tackles him directly into Santa Claws, then leaps off just as Rudolph detonates, bringing down the entire ceiling of the area. Rudolph's head lands in Nemo's head, him and Mini-Myself being sent forward by the explosion.*

Rudolph's Head: Ain't... no... party... like a... pirate party, cuz a pirate... party... ... (shuts down)

Nemo: (eyes full of tears) Don't... stop. (closes Rudolph's mechanical eyelids and accidentally snaps them off)

Morgan Freeman: This explosion is actually noticed by other people.

Stampede: No!

*At this moment, Stampede's hairs stretch out from his head like tendrils, while the other pirates and Vikings look on in horror. He tears through space and time flying to the flaming, area of flame and rubble and death, and he begins to tear through the rubble.*

Stampede: Where are you!

*He swishes his hair around, instantly making flames disappear.*

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere, Que Pasa and Siren regain their footing to find Dave Coulier and the prerequisite disposable Vikings nearby.

Dave Coulier: It's silly, pathetic. All the things that you pirates think you can do.

Que Pasa: I'll take him down, Siren. I won't let them take you.

*Dave Coulier winds up his muscles in a Popeye impersonation. Que Pasa winds up his fists and begins fending off his blows.*

Dave Coulier: Your prized fists look like they have had a few too many quarters flicked into them.

Siren: Try this on for size!

*Siren slides along the ground and then leaps through the air, snapping her leg through the air as if doing a dance move but actually kicking him in the face.*

Dave Coulier: You have eradicated all itches on my nose. Congratulations.

Que Pasa: Watch out!

Siren: I can protect myself, you know. I don't need you.

Que Pasa: You don't know that!

Siren: I do.

Dave Coulier: Enough of this. You foolish pirates and your banter. I can crush you all, and very easily will.

*Dave Coulier expands into a whale and begins to slam down, with each tail smack wiping out a good portion of both pirates and Vikings.*

Keanu Reeves: Whoa.

*The tail starts to slam down towards Siren, but Keanu Reeves sweeps in and pulls her out of the way.*

Siren: Thanks!

Keanu Reeves: It's no problem... just a bi-product of my cursed existence...

Que Pasa: I thought you didn't need help!

Siren: That's not what I said and this is a different circumstance! (returns to staring dreamfully into Keanu's eyes)

Que Pasa: Oh yeah well- (looks up to see the giant tail about to slam down on him) Oh dear-

*Siren notices this and leaps out of Keanu's arms.*

Keanu: What?

*Que Pasa has curled up on the ground, but then looks up to see Siren holding up the tail with her bare hands.*

Siren: Urrghh... (snap) My knee!

*Siren collapses in pain, when the tail begins to slam down, but Que Pasa's Millennium Nose suddenly emits a golden light that burns a hole through the tail, a hole large enough that Que Pasa and Siren are saved through that gap. He then looks over to Siren, who is nursing her knee.*

Siren: Aaaugh... damn thing...

Que Pasa: (looks towards Siren worriedly) ... (regains composure) So knees are women's weaknesses... interesting.

Keanu Reeves: (appears around Siren) It's okay. I'm here.

Que Pasa: Um, how about, you face.

*Elsewhere, Karl's table has been turned over. From behind it, Karl, One-Armed Willy, ADD and Shiny Stallone pick off Vikings using guns supplied by Shiny.*

Shiny Stallone: Your old captain didn't plan for everything. I do.

Karl: Yeah, we'll get back to talks once we're not fucking about to die!

*Karl's a clown.*

One-Armed Willy: (picks off Viking after Viking with the precision only ADHD could provide) (also he doesn't say a word)

ADD: Where's Salama?

*Salama has just finished emptying an entire table's worth of food. He steps up to the Vikings and just stands there while they rush at him. He then proceeds to reach into his throat and immediately vomit out everything he swallowed.*

Viking: ARGH! (is slowly melted down by river of acidic vomit, a baby on a raft floats passed while giggling)

Shiny Stallone: That's my boy.

ADD: We can have badass reinforcements too!

*At this point the Conjoined Olsen Twins set forward. Where they the ones I gave digging powers to? I don't care. That Krazy Dude's there to put them in his place.*

That Krazy Dude: (ridiculous smile on his face) Hi, I'm Don Manuel Orquito, the fireworks king! And I'm here to ensure you get the best fireworks you can afford on an evil supervillain's celery!

Olsen: (blinks, steps forward)

That Krazy Dude: Ha-ha! Why don't you take a much, much closer look at what I have in stock? (points to pile of fireworks)

*Olsen pretends to look into the fireworks while turning Mary-Kate's arm into a blade. Just as it is about to stab, Bee-trice flies up and stings it.*

Olsen: No... no, nO! MY EGENETIC STRUTCTURE IS BREAKING UP! Why WHAS THIS BODY MIXXED WITH MACAULAY CULCKIN'S DNA!

*The Olsen body drops down and withers to nothing, the piece of Saget's soul with it.*

That Krazy Dude: No... why did you?

*Bee-trice drops into Krazy's oversized hand.*

Bee-trice: bzz...

That Krazy Dude: You can't expect me to.. fine. Only because I love you.

Morgan Freeman: And That Krazy Dude slowly pressed his one hand over the other, lovingly crushing the stingerless bee to a merciful death. That Krazy Dude dropped to his knees and wept a river of tears. These tears proceeded to sustain and revive two third-world countries, while causing fatal flooding in five others.

Karl: ...WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

*Zandy is sucker-punched by a Viking and knocked out, at which point Edwin pounces atop the Viking and gives him a surprisingly effective beatdown, followed by transmuting his penis into a vagina. He then began to carry Zandy away to safety upstairs.*

Morgan Freeman: Back in Pasaville...

Dave Coulier: You fools really think you can stop me?! I can wipe out this entire ballroom by myself!

Que Pasa: That's it, I'm putting an end to this now! ...With your guys' help.

*Keanu Reeves spreads out his wings and glides towards Dave Coulier. Que Pasa fires a grappling hook onto Keanu's leg and hangs onto it, while Siren leaps up and grabs his leg.*

Keanu Reeves: This is where the palates come in.

*Soon all three are on top of Dave Coulier. That doesn't sound suggestive at all.*

Que Pasa: What about your knee.

Siren: It's (winces) fine, I can handle it.

*As they walk up the back of the Dave Coulier whale, someone climbs out of his spout.*

Dark Siren: I'm afraid this is as far as you go.

Que Pasa: Dark Siren! I thought we were working together!

Dark Siren: That's just what I wanted you to think.

Que Pasa: Wait. So we both were working together to betray Count Gonad and the vampire mermaids for The World-Mucking Federation... who we then were going to betray to make your dreams true... but now you're betraying me...

Dark Siren: So that I can betray Saget at an unspecified point in time. I'll also betray the valet who I promised a tip to, but that's beside the point.

Siren: Also, why am I here?

Dark Siren: I don't know it yet, but I was separated from me and got my own body.

Siren: (blinks repeatedly) Wait, what?

Que Pasa: But we were the underdogs of life! What are you even fighting for? What do you want?

Dark Siren: I want power, to make my dreams come true. I already have supernatural psychic powers. And once I absorb Saget's... all of history will remember as the greatest and most powerful villain ever. No one will ever forget my name.

Siren: Wait, also, why are you hooking up with me? The other me, that is?

Que Pasa: Do you really have to ask?

Siren: But she's evil!

Que Pasa: Yeah, it's really starting to look that way.

Keanu Reeves: Whoa.

*Keanu's response is appropriate enough, as Dark Siren begins using her boobs to warp reality around the three as they make their way towards Dark Siren. At the same time, her boobs begin siphoning power from the Dave Coulier whale. The three struggle to advance with the extreme wind-like force pushing them back.*

Que Pasa: (looks to Siren) Come on! We can do it!

Keanu Reeves: Must... press on...

*Keanu is knocked out by a chair that suddenly flies from nowhere. They both slam into Que Pasa, who is tossed off is feet and clings to a fin to prevent being blown away by the awesome forces opposing them.*

Que Pasa: Siren, your knee!

*Siren does not seem to hear and continues to progress against the forces by dancing and aerobicsing her way forward in an elegant and refined manner, with only her face suggesting the intense pain she felt. Until finally she is face to face with Dark Siren.*

Dark Siren: Me?

Siren: Hey.

Dark Siren: You don't have my special powers. It's all me. You don't stand a chance.

Siren: We'll see!

*Siren gracefully leaps forward and punches at Dark Siren, who alters reality around her to dodge it and kicks Siren back. Siren gets back up, for Dark Siren to immediately begin pummeling her again.*

Dark Siren: Can you give up already? It's stupid to beat up myself.

Siren: (slowly stands up) I can't. I... don't know how to give up.

*Siren thrusts forward, but is smacked by Dark Siren's boobs, which then zap Siren with electricity.*

Dark Siren: Stay down.

Siren: No.

*Dark Siren laughs and steps on Siren's knee. But then she steps back and suddenly begins surging with power, electricity coursing through and within and without her body.*

Dark Siren: My power... too much! I... help! I can't contain it all!

Siren: If you weren't a supernatural force of evil... I might try to help you. But you're just my bad dreams. And I don't have any dreams.

*Siren then thrusts forward and knees Dark Siren in the face. She stumbles over backward and into Dave Coulier's spout, causing a chain reaction.*

Dave Coulier: OH SHIT!

*Electricity begins to burst out through Coulier's body while Siren breaks down, falling to the ground clutching her knee in intense pain.*

Dave Coulier: ARGEF!

Que Pasa: Siren!

*At that point Que Pasa shoots another grappling hook from his Millennium Nose and dives forward while it is still being shot. It plants itself into a wall. As he swings from his nose's rope, he grabs Siren midswing and then struggles to hold onto her as they swing off the wall while Coulier smashes through some wall and into the ocean, where it detonates with another piece of Saget's soul. They then land back on the dancefloor and smash through several more Viking grunts.*

Que Pasa: Hey, Siren, y'know... (reaches into his pocket)

Siren: I just want to thank you... you...

Que Pasa: ...

Siren: Um... Hold on, give me a second

Que Pasa: Don't tell me... What is my name?

Siren: Wait, no, your real name is... Jon!

Que Pasa: ...That's not even how you spell it. Why... why didn't you just go to Yale?! (storms off in a huff)

Siren: Wait, come back!

*Siren begins to pursue, but stops once Que Pasa disappears into a hidden doorway.*

Morgan Freeman: Lupine lies at the bottom of the pile of Vikings, with Wally still clinging to him and biting into him.*

Lupine: Ugh... dammit, I'm really at the bottom of everything this time.

Viking: That's what she-

Lupine: SHUT IT! And what is up with you, Wally?

*Wally simply looks towards Lupine with a venomous look in his eyes.*

Lupine: Well... I can't just stay here. I... gotta... get up and... find her.

*Lupine slams his feet into the ground while applying earth powers to propel himself and the pile of Vikings into the air, giving him enough space for him to immediately begin helicopter kicking away the Vikings that were atop of him. He then lands on his feet and begins kicking his way through them.*

Lupine: What now!

*Suddenly, Lupine receives a kick to the face which leaves an imprint within his nose. It is Kimmy Gibbler.*

Lupine: It can't be!

*Lupine poses, trying to ignore the pain of Wally's teeth as he prepares his next move.*

Lupine: I haven't summoned anything in ages...

*Lupine uses his summoning ability, causing a pinecone to drop from an extradimensional portal. However, he freezes for a moment when he looks into the portal, but then snaps back to reality as he looks back into the pinecone while the portal closes.*

Lupine: Another damn pinecone?!

*At that point, Kimmy Gibbler kicks his hand holding the pinecone, but this only sets off a massive explosion.*

Morgan Freeman: Here's another elsewhere, wherein Scruffy and Gonad clash their blades together. Don't worry kids, there ain't much more left.

Count Gonad: I has been hating you.

Scruffy: Ditto.

John Stamos: (has been posing seductively in the background) Scruffffy...one of my greatest enemies.

Scruffy: Saget. Run out of your own bodies, did you?

John Stamos: Almost, but not exactly out of souls.

Count Gonad: My old master... it will be a pleasure to put one of you to sleep. Then I can still hold your real body as a victory charm, while you are one step closer to true death.

John Stamos: I will never, ever ever know true death. And you were a lousy apprentice. Did you seriously think I would leave my legacy to a dick named Gonad?

Count Gonad: STOP INSULTING ME FROM THAT RUGGEDLY ATTRACTIVE FACE!

*Scruffy and Gonad stab at each other and Stamos at the same time, while Stamos seamlessly weaves around their attacks.*

John Stamos: Everyone else is gonna die. I will find true life. Pirates? They're old school. You're all going down. Gay vampire mermaids? Yeah, even them.

Count Gonad: I promised them their time had come!

Scruffy: Both you guys shut up! The pirates are gonna be forever!

*Scruffy ignites on fire and begins to toss fireballs at the too. However, John Stamos' hair and Gonad's condum armor absorb the fireballs. Stamos then pins him Scruffy down on the ground.*

John Stamos: Finish him. So we can finally be rid of the nuisance.

Count Gonad: ... You are a sacrifice article that I cut up rough now.

John Stamos: (grins deliriously... then is stabbed by Gonad) You...

Count Gonad: I'd rather be rid of you. The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada is dying itself, after all. I can see it quite plainly.

Scruffy: You lie!

Count Gonad: Do I? One of your pirates is stumbling into Saget's chamber now. No matter what happens down there, your entire crew is jeopardized.

Scruffy: No... (begins to leave, then lazily tosses another fireball at Gonad that somehow defeats him)

Morgan Freeman: Within a chamber hidden deep within Gonad's ball, Saget is strapped to a machine-like thing, looking even creepier and more sickly than ever.

Saget: I was wondering when you would show yourself. Stop sulking in the shadows. Face it. You have failed. I will win, and all the pirate world will be mine once more.

*Que Pasa steps out, with a look of pure determination in his face.*

Que Pasa: Saget. For years you've haunted our crew and driven us sane. And with what you've done to Mr. T... you've crossed a line.

Saget: Lines are imaginary. This is real. I am real. And soon... everything else shall be.

Que Pasa: (points to his nose, which shines with Mr. T's gold) A bullet made from Mr. T's gold. They said if your powers would collide, the entire universe would end. A portion of its power should end you, with the rest of your soul gone. It only makes sense.

Saget: You really think you can defeat me? You're just a comic relief character trying to outgrow his britches. You may have the tools to destroy me, but will it really matter? Will ending it all bring you closer to what you really want?

*At the same time, Siren is leading Scruffy and Darth Curry through the hallway.*

Siren: He ran this way...

Scruffy: That boy

*Back down there-.*

Que Pasa: I don't know. All I know is that I am sick of this status quo, and this is the only thing I can think of to change things.

Saget: Destroying me will create a plot hole so large you will never be able to escape it. You will be trapped in a life that is death, and I will make sure that you cannot escape it. And my seeds have planted. All will succumb to reality as I have planned. Everything will become real, and everything will become me. Can you take the chance that I will survive, while you are gone forever? What makes you think you can win?

Que Pasa: I, I... (winces, but then thinks) I'm the goddamn Batman.

*Que Pasa fires the golden bullet, while at the same time Saget fires lasers from his eyes that seem to zigzag around the room randomly. The projectile tears through Saget's body, and he unleashes a hellish scream as light pours out from every orifice of his body, which is yanked through the light and out of the fabric of time and space.*

Que Pasa: Hh. Done like dinner.

*The light grows into a large, gaping white hole that is seemingly featureless, and begins to pull everything through at a great force. At the same time, Scruffy and Siren appear.*

Scruffy: Pasa, no! (tosses out his scarf) GRAB HOLD!

Skanky Siren: QUE PASA!

*Que Pasa is practially running in place at this point, with the plot hole holding him back. His eyes are full of anguish and tears as he beholds them.*

Que Pasa: CAPTAIN! ...What I love is you!

*Que Pasa grips the scarf, at the same time that Saget's eye lasers veer around and tear through his heart. Close-up looks of all their shocked faces. Que Pasa is immediately sucked into the plot hole, with the scarf being forcefully yanked out of Scruffy's hands. He finds his hands bleeding.*

Scruffy: Pasa...

*Siren begins to step forward and blinks, looking towards the ever-expanding white hole.*

Scruffy: Stay back, Siren! That's a plot hole... formed by such a tumultuous change in the plot. If someone enters it, no one knows what will happen.

Siren: (mesmerised) Anything can happen....

Scruffy: Yes... literally anything. They say it's like a dream you may never wake up from. Or you suddenly might, at the most random time, with your memories or character possibly altered completely. You could wind up lost from the story forever...

Siren: I don't have dreams when I sleep. I wonder what they're like...

*Slinky the cat dashes forward and leaps straight into the plot hole. Siren takes another step forward, and the force of the plot hole begins to drag her forward.*

Scruffy: (grabs her arm) Siren! What are you doing?

Siren: I don't know... I- I... think I'm trying to save him.

*Siren pulls her arm back and slowly takes several more steps forward, ultimately being swept off her feet and sucked into the plot hole as well.*

Scruffy: (lunges forward) No!

*At the same time, a second plot hole forms and is pulled into the first, resulting in a brilliant light. When it clears, the room is completely bare save for a familiar-looking skeleton. Picking up the skeleton, Scruffy slowly turns and leaves the room.*

Morgan Freeman: While all of the above is happening, all the pirates were too focused on what was happening in another portion of the group to listen to poor ol' Scruffy. You know, with this guy...

Stampede: White Panther!

White Panther: (soft mumbling) My knees...

*Stampede immediately homes in on the location of the voice. And there is White Panther, with her knee pinned beneath rubble.*

Stampede: Don't worry, we're getting out of here!

*The Guz effortlessly lifts the rubble and picks up White Panther, and he begins to carry her through the fire and flames while psychically melting down the minds of Dragonforce.*

Santa Claws: you damn dirty pirates ain't getting out of anywhere...

*Suddenly The Guz is tackled over by Santa Claws. However, he has transformed into the fire and become a hairy black goat demon.*

Santa Claws: Call me Krampus, now.

The Guz: Dammit, why can't you just stay down!

*The Guz hands White Panther to his hair, which holds her above the smoke and provides her with oxygen, while he reaches into his pockets and pulls out some fancy guns, that he does not waste time unloading into Krampus.*

Krampus: Stupid pirate. Stupid guns!

The Guz: Fuck you! I never even had a problem with you Vikings! But you gotta go starting shit all the time, what did you think would happen?

*Krampus is slowed by the bullets, but dive-tackles at The Guz. The Guz's hair manipulates his body to move out of Krampus's way, with The Guz shooting him in the air as he passes. And then Krampus is entangled within The Guz's hair.*

Krampus: Gar. Fucking nancy pirates! I'm supposed to kill all of you!

The Guz: Dude, check this out! I'm about to kill you off and you can't do nothing about it!

*The Guz's hair pins Krampus into the fire, then pulls more and more guns out of nowhere and shoots him up repeatedly until nothing is left moving. He then blinks and waves his arms away, dispersing all of the remaining flames and smoke to showcase Krampus's burnt carcass. He then steps out with White Panther back in his hands.*

White Panther: I hate being a damsel in distress, but you saved me.

Stampede: I just realized how much I really care about you.

*Mini-Myself and Nemo blink in confusion.*

Stampede: Oh yeah, we're a couple.

*Oh, there's a big kiss here.*

Karl: WHAT I SAY! WHAT I TELL Y'ALL!

Morgan Freeman: Needless to say, that entire group went into a type of seizure. The rest of the pirates began to surround, chant and bow to this tall figure.

Stampede: Aw damn...

Pirates: The Guz! The Guuuuzz!

Darth Curry: Of course. It would seem that the chosen one has shown himself. It's only natural. The pirate king is dead, but even he would see that you are the perfect candidate. Come to Washington and run for world president.

Stampede: You're evil, Curry. Why should I listen to you?

Darth Curry: There's free food and everything. All the tacos you'll want. And we'll help you ease into your role.

Stampede: This is just some stupid idea, right White Panther?

White Panther: ...

Darth Curry: (glances towards White Panther)

White Panther: Well... maybe it'll be fun. We've been pirates for a while now. Maybe this is our next big adventure.

Stampede: Yeah... maybe you're right. Darth Curry, take us to Washington.

Count Gonad: NO!

*They look up to see Count Gonad standing in the rafters with a pistol in his hands.*

Count Gonad: You can't cheat me out again, you can't! This is my big chance! I've got to... I have to be the one!

Darth Curry: (shakes head)

The Guz: Dude man, you're such a dick that if rewards were given for the people who were most like dicks, you would win twice for both being a dick and for having a name that is synonymous with a dick.

White Panther: Long joke.

Count Gonad: Fuck it, I'm killing you!

*Count Gonad fires the gun, but The Guz's hair flicks the bullet back. It goes through Gonad's right eye, and he stumbles over backwards to fall out the window.*

Morgan Freeman: Scruffy witnesses this scene as he steps out from the hidden passageway and looks up in dismay. He prepares his objection.

Scruffy: ...You know what, screw it. (turns to That Krazy Dude, who is always there) Get everyone back to the ship. We're getting the hell outta here.

Epilogue

Morgan Freeman: Sad sights are everywhere. Karl, One-Armed Willy and ADD sign themselves and Nemo over to Shiny Stallone, who had also taken Salama with him. As for Nemo, he pieces through Rudolph's wreckage solemnly after retrieving his platanos bag. Mini-Myself was seen shrinking down and leaving with his parents, feeling no one loved him anymore. Frenchie was on the first bus to hippie camp in search of her character. And Stampede and White Panther take one last look at the Golden Cheesecake from the limo that is taking them to Washington.

White Panther: I still don't get all this "The Guz" stuff...

Stampede: Neither do I. It's so weird. I try to hide these powers all I want. But now all the world knows, nothing I can do about that. All I think is... my powers seem to get stronger as my hair gets longer. I think it has to do with that.

White Panther: I see...

Stampede: (looks out window at the world) What did I do, to deserve all of you?

Morgan Freeman: No Name and Vagineta were led away in shackles by Darth Curry and Pink Ninja after the Vikings, despite their leader's defeat, stripping the balls bare.

No Name: This sucks, we got cheated out of our own fight scene!

Vagineta: Baby it's okay, we have prison sex now!

Morgan Freeman: What of the others?

*The area of the dance hall that was destroyed by the pinecone detonation. Kimmy Gibbler's body had long since melted away, with a piece of Saget's soul floating away amidst the charred Viking remains. And one lone fool, somehow still alive and barely coherent, scales the wall towards the now-empty balcony.*

Lupine: I am more than any hero's geological change's strong and big...

*He climbs into the balcony, and is immediately tackled into the next room by the equally charred and incoherant Wally, then rolls along the ground with him.*

Lupine: AUGH! The Presybterian Church enjoys you not-

*Chef Leos steps out with a pistol in one hand and a purse in the other hand.*

Leos: Stop right there, me! (shoots Lupine)

Lupine: (dodges)

Leos: Oh, C'MON!

*Lupine makes a mad dash, tossing Wally onto Leos as he passes him.*

Lupine: I do not want to lose you... the gets the rice...

*He slowly stumbles from room to room, but everything is empty. Eventually Edwin is in one room, alone by the elevator.*

Edwin: You... you just missed her. She's gone.

Morgan Freeman: Just a whee little flashback to a few minutes ago.

---

*Edwin rests Zandy in a chair as he arrives on the floor. He finds just one woman looking uncertainly around her.*

Edwin: You... you look familiar. Your name's Ren, isn't it?

Ren: Actually, it's Lauren. I... you're one of those Cheesecake Pirates aren't you?

Edwin: Yeah, I am. Hey, you wouldn't happen to know someone named Marko, or Lupine, or anything... would you?

Ren: ...No. No I don't know anyone by that name.

Edwin: ...Ah.

Ren: (turns around nervously) I have to go. It... it was stupid to come here tonight. It was nice meeting you...

Edwin: Edwin. My name is Edwin.

*Ren nods and runs into the elevator. Edwin, looking more depressed then ever, drags Zandy towards the closet containing her time machine.*

Edwin: Sorry...

*He puts her into the time machine and sets it to return to its original time.*

Edwin: ...but this won't be your future...

*After a kiss on the forehead, he steps out of the time machine and closes it.*

Edwin: ...And I won't be your father.

*He softly closes the closet door, with a bright light emitting from behind the closed door as the time machine disappears.*

---

*Finally, Lupine breaks down to his knees and in anger summons pine cone after pine cone, tossing them all everywhere as part of his irrational fit.*

Lupine: DO NOT WANT!!! (breaks down sobbing) JEBUS!

*Jebus steps out of the bathroom, takes a moment to open his bathrobe. Various women run out from it as if it were a clown car, then he closes it and approaches Lupine.*

Jebus: What is it now, Lupine?

Lupine: (looks up at him with tears in his eyes) 5000 rices are high empty.

Jebus: You're delusional, boy. You should have died. And you have to quite whining about girls already. Why didn't you just try to get a new girl or something? I can lend you one of mine.

Lupine: (walks around, smashing pine cones through glasses in anger) Space general, you and not equal to I think severe.

Jebus: I'm sick of always having to babysit you. I ain't making your dreams come true. That's something not even I can do. I can and have manipulated fate to bring you two within the same vicinity. But hey, one of you was supposed to make the choice to do the leap. That's how fate really works.

Edwin: And fat.

Lupine: I am stronger and big than superior.

Jebus: Whatever. (produces a spiral staircase and starts walking up it) I'm ascending to a higher plane. Pass on the message to the rest of your friends that I ain't helping them with shit. Oh, and one more thing...

*Jebus snaps his fingers, which causes a Keyboard Cat to appear and play him off. As the keyboard plays, Jebus walks up the final steps and disappears in a glorious light, while Lupine steps out of the room broken, beaten, and dejected. But someone is waiting for him.*

Edwin: (slings Lupine's arm over his shoulder) It's okay. We're gonna get over this.

Lupine: do not want...

Edwin: We're gonna be okay...

*Wally silently crawls behind both of them, looking happier than ever, like an animal that has just been fed. Neither of them notice Leos's bloody remains, with the vibrator in his purse having been shoved through his chest.*

Morgan Freeman: Several minutes later, the Golden Cheesecake set off from the ball, just as it exploded. A gas leak, naturally. Aboard the sub...

Scruffy: Alright, crew. We've had... a really tough day. But at least we still have each other. So, who's still left?

*Lupine, the Dreamer, That Krazy Dude and Edwin all raise their hands and look around, suddenly noticing how alone they all were.*

Scruffy: ...This won't end well.

Credits

*The credits are accompanied by outtakes of That Krazy Dude in the first scene.*

That Krazy Dude: Looks like someone suffered from a classic case of... (puts on sunglasses) penis envy.

Yeeeeaaaah!

That Krazy Dude: I guess when it comes to being a good spy, he didn't... (flips on sunglasses) know dick.

Yeeeeeaaah!

That Krazy Dude: Sometimes life has you by the gonads... (sunglasses are lowered onto his face by a miniature helicopter) but Gonad had this guy with his gonads.

Yeeeaaah!

That Krazy Dude: One upon a time this guy must have been falling in love, now he's only falling a part. There's nothing I can say, but... (flips on shades) total eclipse of the cock.

Yeaaahh!

*The film reel then snaps into a different scene. Vagineta is lying in a bed while No Name is nearby.*

No Name: You're telling me that seeing that red-haired girl at the party gave you nightmares?

Vagineta: Yeah, it's some memory that I must have... repressed.

---

*The dojo. The younger version of Vagineta is holding Ren's hands together behind her back.*

Sensei: Ren! How dare you betray the ninja code by not being a ninja to begin with! After we have taken you in and given you hospitality? Your punishment shall be the most severe!

Ren: No... over my dead body!

*Ren immediately spins around. Although Vagineta's hold on Ren's hands remains steady, Ren is able to use her legs and begins dancing her way through the ninjas that came after her with a flurry of kicks, eventually kicking down Sensei while knocking Vagineta back, finally releasing her hands.*

Marko: I'll help you!

*Marko leaps into the air and enters his first-ever flying kick at Vagineta, who attempts to attack Ren from behind. However, Vagineta simply dodges to the side and kicks Marko in the face as he passes her, knocking him flat down on the ground.*

Vagineta: Game over-

Ren: (punches Vagineta out) It's okay. (looks down at Marko) Thanks, kid.

Marko: My name's Marko. You're my... soulmate.

Ren: Sure... Let me help you up.

*Vagineta squints and sees Ren reaching down to grab Marko's hand. However, at the moment this happens, she screams and collapses on the ground in a mysterious spasm. Suddenly, everything is replaced by a pair of haunting eyes.*

???: FORGET THIS.

---

No Name: Let's build a snowman.

Morgan Freeman: Several weeks after the credits... Stampede wakes up in the bedroom of the World Capitol, in his grand master bed. White Panther is silently sleeping beside him.

Stampede: Wait...

*Stampede tosses the covers into the air.*

Stampede: NO! NOOO!! NOOOOO!!!!

*The bed is filled with cut hair. Stampede reaches around his head and feels hair that barely goes past his ears.*

Stampede: (takes a deep-ass breath) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bye, bye world

or will our hope still hold on?

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7