Gamehiker Member OG 7 Page 1
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Author: Vorpal[edit]
~Arizona somewhere, early '90s~
Narrator: A group of boy scouts head out into the wilderness of Arizona on horse back. The two important scouts are a young Hamilton and a chubby Roy.
*Roy falls off his horse*
Random Scout: Roy's horse sick! Haha! It's funny... cause... like it's like being car sick... only with a horse... ...... I'll shut up now.
Scout Master: All right, boys. Don't wander off, now!
Narrator: Of course, at that invitation, all the scouts wander off. Hamilton and Roy find an interesting cave.
Hamilton: Hey, Roy, look at this.
*Down below in another part of the cavern*
Masamune: You find anything yet, Dacty?
Dacty: (A Condor(pteradactyl) from Ice Climbers) Nothin' yet boss!
Goonie Pirate: We found somethin'!
Dacty: Then bring it out here!
Goonie Pirate: We're gonna be rich! Rich!
Masamune: Give it to me *takes small box, and lifts it open*
Goonie Pirate: Rich! I knew it!
Dacty: Shut up!
Goonie Pirate: Well, we're gonna be rich, ain't we?
Masamune: We most certainly are. *Holds up an NES ROB* Do you know how much these'll go for on eBay?
Dacty: What's an eBay?
~Back with Hamilton and Roy~
Hamilton: That belongs in a museum! Go and find the scout master, tell him to get the sheriff, there are looters in the cave. Got it?
Roy: Scout master... sheriff... looters... got it. What are you gonna do?
Hamilton: *smirk* I'll think of something.
*Roy runs off and Hamilton jumps down as Masamune and crew are busy digging for more treasure. Hamilton takes the ROB and sneaks out, but steps on a twig just as he leaves.
Goonie Pirate: He's got our ROB!
Masamune: Heh...
Hamilton: *running down the hillside* Scout master? Anybody? Everybody's lost but me. *jumps on a horse and rides away*
Masamune: *whistles and his ship comes by* After him!
*Ships speeds away*
Masamune: RRR... *whistles and ship comes back* After him, with me on the ship!
*Hamilton rides to a conveniently passing train, Masamune jumps onto the train after him. After a series of death-defying jumps from car to car, it comes down to the last cab*
Masamune: You got heart, kid, but that belongs to me.
Hamilton: It belongs in a museum!
Masamune: You lost today, kid, but it doesn't mean you have to like it. Yoink! *takes ROB and jumps back on the ship*
Gamehiker Member OG VII
The Undiscovered Subtitle
~Present day~
Kuria: Why did you tell me that story, Vorpal?
Vorpal: What?
Kuria: That story. What significance does it bare to this OG at all?
Vorpal: None. I just thought it was a neat story.... wait... *walks up to Masamune* YOINK!
Masamune: Hey! It's mine! You already have two of your own.
Vorpal: Meh. *places it along with this other two ROBs*
Masamune: What was all that talk about a museum?
Vorpal: It is in a museum... MY museum! Mwhaha.. MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Masamune: Whatever *takes back ROB*
Vorpal: Hey, wait! No fair!
Author: Masamune[edit]
Masamune: This is the second time I've had to take my stuff back from you.
Vorpal: It belongs in my Museum!
Masamune: So do you! *kicks Vorpal*
Kuria: I should help but....
~Masamune jumps on to a ladder leading to his new ship, the S.S. Condor~
Vorpal: When did you get a new airship!?
Masamune: In GMOG6!
Vorpal: *yelling* BUT THERE IS NO SIX!
~back on the ship~
Masamune: Meh. *throws ROB into a pile*
Dodo: Something wrong?
Masamune: It's nice flying again after losing the Swordefeller AND Omnitpotence in GMOG4. But..
Dodo: What?
Masamune: Kuria and Vorpal are hooked up, Luigi and Rebe are going to get married soon, and Saph and Golem already tied the knot. Heck, even MJ has a girl. But here I am, already in my late 600s... still a bachelor.
Dodo: It's too bad none of your friends have a daughter for you to steal.
Masamune: One old enough you mean. *wink wink*
Dodo: ....
Masamune: What's that badge you're wearing?
Dodo: Oh uh, nothing.
Masamune: Lemme see. *grabs it* Sidekick Rights? What is this?
Dodo: Nothing against you personally... but sidekicks have been organizing petitions... why right now there's a rally...
~In Washington D.C. AKA Not Rocketsville, so don't even try~
~up on a podium is Roy, AKA Carrotcake King. Evil Cake-Hording villain in possesion of a weak sidekick body~
Roy: Sidekicks! Minions! Hear me!
~the crowd cheers~
Roy: How many among you are thrown aside, forgotten about, sent on stupid or suicidal missions! Who among you does not even get Dental?
~crown bursts into cheers, waving their signs which say "Sidekick, not kick in the side" and "Sidekick Rights" and "Not Cannon Fodder"~
The Lovely Peter Jennings: I understand you're a sidekick to a one Luigi of the Pipes. As rumor has it, he stood on top of you in boiling lava. Can you confirm this for us?
Slort: Igbay ugno agno.
TDPJ: Right. Next interview!
---
TDPJ: According to our intelligence, you were made as an EXACT copy of Golem. Yet despite all this, you've never got a lead role.
Rhyk: Yeah. Basically. Even my female version of me, Rhykette, gets bigger roles.
TDPJ: How does this make you feel?
Rhyk: I secretly delight in Golem's suffering.
---
TDPJ: Is it true Vorpal dumped you completely from all stories?
Goom: *hic* Ai like my *hic* magic drink.
Ba: Gimma summa dat, bra.
TDPJ: Your evil minions to the recently defeated and yet unrisen Murasame? With your boss gone, what kind of backup plans did he have for you?
Snipes: Nosssing! He left ussss to sssstarve!
Krunk: HE LEFT US ONE PIZZA IN THE FREEZER.
Snipes: Shut up, you idiot. Murasssssame is a poor leader.
TDPJ: Here we are in front of Strawman's House. As a sidekick to the devious SteveT, Strawman is currently one of the most popular sidekicks in America. Let's go in. *they enter*
Strawman: Get in my house!
TDPJ: We're in your house.
Strawman: Don't contradict me.
TDPJ: In light of sidekick protests, how do you feel?
Strawman: I don't care.
TDPJ: But you're a sidekick, cast off 'to the side' as they say.
Strawman: You got the wrong person, Steve is the sidekick.
TDPJ: How do you feel about being Strawman's sidekick?
Steve: That idiot is my sidekick. I created the whole character concept.
TDPJ: How do you feel about having two people in charge of you, the one sidekick?
Lynel: I have medication to help.
~Back on the S.S. Condor~
Masamune: Wow. So you're with them, huh?
Dodo: I'm afraid so...
Masamune: You're not going to these ridiculous rallies are you?
Dodo: I'm booked up all week.
Masamune: Well who's going to do all my stuff for me!
Dodo: You are.
Masamune: (Shocked)
Author: Luigi of the Pipes[edit]
Masamune: I can't believe this. What am I supposed to do without my mindless servant?
Dodo: I'm still here.
Masamune: Yes, I know.
Dodo: ~writing in notepad~
Masamune: Stop that!
Dodo: You're not the boss of me!
Masamune: Oh yes I am! Go to your cabin!
Dodo: No! ~flies away~
Masamune: Grrr...
~Vorpal punches through the floor of the S.S. Condor and climbs on.~
Vorpal: Gimme the ROB!
Masamune: Pssh. Go away.
Vorpal: Why do we always fight? We got along so well in GMOG1... ~looks around~ Whoa, this place is a mess. Where's Dodo?
Masamune: He left me! ~shows Vorpal the Sidekick Rights pamphlet~ Of course, he'll come strutting back now, thinking I owe him a "paycheck" or something. ~takes out dictionary and rips out the P pages~ I tell you, paycheck isn't even in my dictionary!
Vorpal: Oh man. Good thing I don't have any sidekicks to leave me.
Goom: God!
Ba: So insensitive!
Tamagon: Everyone's forgotten me by now!
~Goom, Ba, and Tamagon run away crying.~
Masamune: What'll I do? I can't pick up chicks if my place is a mess.
Vorpal: Look, this pamphlet lists the date of the next meeting. We'll just get all of our sidekick-possessing friends together, sneak in, and find out what's going on.
Masamune: Aye...
~Later~
~Masamune, Vorpal, Luigi, Sapphire, Golem, and Lupus join the very back of the very large crowd gathering around Roy in Not Rocketsville.~
Vorpal: Is this really everyone?
Golem: I doubt it. Just let their authors cover it.
Vorpal: Okay.
Masamune: Waitaminute! That's... the Carrotcake King! He's not allowed to be a major villain!
Lupus: Not before me!
~Lupus goes screaming toward the stage. The sidekicks jump on his back, trying to drag him down, but he continues running... walking... crawling... Fred steps in front of him.~
Roy: Yes! Now is your time! Pummel him with your mallet! Show him who is BOSS!
Fred: ~lifts his mallet~ I... I...
Roy: Yes!
Fred: I CAN'T DO IT! MASTER LUPUS WOULD NEVER HURTSSS USSS!
Roy: Master lies!
Fred: No!
Roy: Master is tricksy! Master is false!
Fred: NO! ~starts to run away, trips on a rock, and accidentally drops his mallet on Lupus's head~ (Shocked)
Roy: Yes!
Fred: I... I didn't mean to...
Roy: This is but a first step! Unite!
Luigi: Maybe we should call for reinforcements.
Vorpal: Ah, we'll be fine.
Golem: Y-yeah...
Pikachu: Pika!
Vorpal: See? Pikachu agrees.
Sapphire: (Sweatdrop)
~They turn in unison and see the angry-faced Pikachu advancing on them, brandishing an electric knife and steadily backing them into the group of angry sidekicks.~
Sapphire: . . .
Masamune: Great. No sidekicks to get us out of this mess. Now what?
Author: Golem[edit]
~Vorpal then takes out an ROB.~
Masamune: Is that my--
Vorpal: Nevermind how I snuck onto your ship and stole your ROB! We'll use the ROB to stack up similarly colored sidekicks, eliminating them!
~Vorpal sets down the ROB in front of the crowd. It quickly turns around and picks up Vorpal like a Stack Up disc.~
Vorpal: Put me down! You're supposed to HELP us!
ROB: AS_WHAT_A_SIDEKICK?
~collective gasp~
Golem: This is an awful lot like one of Master Yoshi's teachings! If I can only reme--wait. Did I get trained by Master Yoshi? Or was that Yami Yoshi?
Sapphire: ...You guys are weird.
~Sapphire jumps off-screen and comes back on-screen as Lady in Red. Pikachu sends a bolt of electricity towards the party as she lands, but she waves forth her umbrella, opening it at the same time and making the lightning deflect off of it towards the sides long enough for the electricity to reach the ground.
Meanwhile, the others have been tug-of-warring with ROB over Vorpal, with ROB holding his feet and the non-sidekicks holding his hands. When the crowd of sidekicks decides to step in, Luigi catches the advancing crowd out of the corner of his eye.~
Luigi: Follow me!
~Luigi tugs Vorpal to the side towards the crowd, and within milliseconds the other protagonists do as well, picking ROB up off the ground and hitting it against the crowd. From this maneuver, however, they lose control, and end up flinging Vorpal and ROB deep into the crowd. ROB gets back up, this time with Lupus standing on Vorpal's shoulders.~
ROB: HA_HA_HA. FEEL_MY_DEATH_GRIP?
~Lupus starts reaching at the ceiling. He pulls at a thin opening going across the whole ceiling.~
Vorpal: Actually, yeah, and it feels nice. It's hard to scratch where you're holding my leg, because of these boots and--
~Just then, a loud buzzer sounds, a banner reading "SUCCESS!!!" drops and hangs from the ceiling, and tons of balloons fall from the flap that Lupus has pulled open.~
Lupus: Get out of here while they're all confused by the brightly colored rubber bags filled with air!
Vorpal: I--I can't! ROB's death grip is just too strong!
Lupus: Well that's a shame.
~Lupus jumps away, harmlessly bouncing from shoulder to shoulder. Vorpal soon has a bright idea and heaves all his weight forward. While ROB stays glued to his legs, Vorpal runs on his hands.
Realizing that ROB isn't going to get rid of Vorpal in a really cool fashion, the crowd swarms Vorpal, then backs off when they catch on fire. Vorpal spins as he hops forth on one hand, with one hand holding the Vorpal sword out and holding it steady, creating a circular barrier of flame. Vorpal pops a lot of balloons this way, and maybe if you were playing Gumshoe, your NES Zapper would get extra bullets for every balloon that Vorpal popped. But YOU'RE NOT.
As Vorpal exits the crowd, Lady in Red has used her umbrella to fling Pikachu up in the air and towards the crowd. Pikachu retaliates with an electric storm, but too late. It instead shocks the entire crowd and knocks the crowd of sidekicks unconscious. Awesome.~
Masa: You're alive!! How did you do that?!
Vorpal: ~still spinning~ Well, I--
Masa: Not you, I was talking to ROB.
Author: SteveT[edit]
~Back in Steve's House~
Lynel: Hey, umm...I'm gonna go to the...stooooore. Yeah.
Steve: Don't pretend you can fool us. You're going to that sidekick convention!
Straw Man: That's right! You never seem to remember that I'm smarter than you!
Lynel: Yeah, well I'm sick of this. Every other sidekick only has one person ordering him around! I can't be two people's sidekick!
Steve/Straw Man: Then stop encouraging Straw Man/Steve!
Lynel: Goodbye!
Straw Man: Shouldn't you be going with him?
Steve: ~picks up Straw Man and throws him out the door~
Straw Man: Hmph. My sidekick took my house. Now where am I gonna do my laundry?
~At the Sidekick Rights Rally~
TDPJ: We are live at the third Sidekick Rights Rally this week. They seem to be growing more and more frequent as the number of disgruntled sidekick grows. The crowd is currently waiting for it's first speech of the day. Ah, here's the speaker stepping up to the podium right now. Judging from the fact that he's a walking mushroom, I believe this is Luigi of the Pipe's former sidekick Slort Goomboy.
Slort: Repi ik nomo gopu bak.
Crowd: ~Cheers~
Slort: Lugi beki makapa tuka!
~The speech goes on long after the crowd realizes that Slort isn't speaking highly English highly distorted by seven microphones, but Goombelli. Eventually, they even stop cheering after every sentence.
Slort: ~jumping up and down~ Vrooo...Quito gupa!
Crowd: ~Cheers~
TDPJ: Well, I can only assume that was inspiring. Next up, we hear from Dodo, formerly a sidekick of the dread pirate Masamune. His speech at the last rally was a crowd favorite, so let's hear what he has today.
~Straw Man enters the podium covered in black feathers~
TDPJ: Well, this is an odd turn of events. That's not Dodo. I think is a more recent acquisition for the group. If I'm not mistaken, and he'll tell me I am, this is Straw Man, the minion of SteveT.
Straw Man: People of Not Rocketsville, listen to me! I am not one of you, but I fight. I fight for Minion Rights!
Crowd: SIDEKICK Rights!
Straw Man: But how do we fight back without a leader?
Crowd: No more leaders!
Straw Man: Without organization, and a command structure, you are nothing! If any of you had leadership skills, would you be a sidekick? Of course not.
TDPJ: The crowd didn't seem to like that last line. Straw Man hit a nerve.
Straw Man: But I am not a side kick! Yet I feel your pain. I will lead you. I will take up your cause and lead you all to greater things.
Crowd: ~Exchange confused glances~
Straw Man: Join me, and you will be sidekicks and minions no longer. We shall call ourselves Straw Man's Sidekicks and fight the oppression!
~Lightning flashes behind him~
Straw Man: [still using the rally speech voice] It is not about to rain!
Crowd: ~Cheers~
Slort [aside to Dodo]: Iku bama boyo.
Dodo: I have a bad feeling about this, too.
Author: SOAP[edit]
~Elsewhere, at MJ's newly bought apartment on earth~
Andi: If I'd known we'll be living here for now on I'd pack more stuff when I came here looking for you.
MJ: Yeah, but my cousin Luigi Jr. is a great land lord. He's promised us no bills for the first year until I can get myself on my feet and get a job here on Earth. It's not much but it's big enough to raise a family in.
Andi: Hey, whatever happened to your sister and Tiffa? I haven't seen them since the last OG.
MJ: Well, Mare went back to the Mushroom World. She is the Queen of the Koopa Empire afterall.
__________________
Marin: Okay Bowser Jr.! Let's settle this once and for all!
(Marin comes bursting into the bedroom wearing a full-blown clown outfit.)
Marin: Honk, honk! *giggles*
BJ: Alright! Kinkiness!
__________________
MJ: And Tiffa said something about seeing her "Cobrax." Whatever that is.
__________________
Tiffa: For the last time officer, I wasn't trespassing! He has my beloved Cobrax locked up in a closet somewhere in that house of his! I've seen him!
Don Miguel: Sir, this lady is delusional.
Officer: Can you describe this "Cobrax" of yours, ma'am.
Tiffa: He's a tall dude. With a sexy snake hood coming out of his head, slits for eyes, and the finest piece of ass I've ever seen on a white guy.
(Don Miguel whistles and does the twirly finger "Coocoo" gesture on the side of his head.)
Officer: I'm going to have to take you in, ma'am. *cuffs her*
Tiffa: Just LIKE the White Man to bring a black sister down.
Don Miguel: *waves* Bye, bye Pretty Lady.
__________________
MJ: Yup, things are going to be pretty quiet around here for a while.
(Suddenly there was loud beeping noise coming from MJ's pants. MJ bends down and lifts up his leg to reveal a flashing ankle bracelet.)
Andi: What is that!?
MJ: It's an ankle monitor. Masa put on me to keep me from going off into anymore tangents. FRAK! Another OG must've already started without us!
Andi: What do we do now?
(Just then, Marin and Tiffa burst in.)
Marin: MJ! Did you see the news this morning?
MJ: Nope. No TV.
Marin: Gee. That's funny. LJ gave us a widescreen flatscreen and Direct TV for our apartment free of charge.
MJ/Andi: ...
Marin: Anyways! There's this big rebellion going on in Not Rocketsville. Alot of sidekicks are over there, including some some of the OGers. Apparantly they're all sick of being bossed around and are starting a revolution.
MJ: I guess I'm lucky I don't have sidekicks. Just a harem of beautiful women. (Very Happy)
Andi: Whatever.
Tiffa: In your dreams!
Marin: You're so disgusting MJ.
(The apartment door slams, leaving a baffled MJ all alone.)
Author: Luigi of the Pipes[edit]
Straw Man: Life, liberty, lemons, um... licorice, lounges, and the pursuit of happiness!
~There is a tap upon Straw Man's shoulder.~
Straw Man: And that's what I will refuse everyone when you join me!
Roy: Ahem. I just tapped on your shoulder.
Straw Man: I don't have shoulders.
Roy: Yes. Well, I was kinda in the middle of leading these sidekicks.
Straw Man: No, I was.
Roy: Only I was here first.
Straw Man: Clearly I was. I've been here for the last three hundred years.
Roy: We just started on Thursday.
Straw Man: Shows how far behind I am!
Roy: So, if you'd just step down...
Straw Man: Step down from what?
Roy: My podium.
Straw Man: What podium?
Roy: ~twitch~
Straw Man: Who are you, again?
Roy: THAT'S IT! ~rips off his shirt, revealing his ~cough~ "manly muscles"~
~Roy lunges at Straw Man, punching him into the ground and sending feathers flying. Straw Man holds up his hands.~
Straw Man: In the face! In the face!
Marin: Wow. This is like scrawny geek vs. scrawny geek.
Tiffa: Let's get out of here.
Straw Man: Bear! I need your help!
Soldier Bear: Me?
Lynel: No, that's just what he calls me...
~Lynel jumps onto the stage and slams his fists into Roy's back.~
Straw Man: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Lynel: You asked me to...
Straw Man: You're interfering with a fight!
~Lynel shrugs and kicks Roy into a wall, knocking him out.~
Straw Man: Gah!
Author: Masamune[edit]
Roy: Yargh! Do you know who I am!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?
Straw Man: Mom?
Roy: I am the Carrotcake King!
Luigi: Okay, they're distracted guys. Let's beat it.
Vorpal: But what about uhm. *thinks* Nevermind, no sidekicks. I'm good.
Goom: Augh!
Sapphire: But Pikachu is still here.
Masamune: You don't even like Pokemon that much anymore. How about I get you a new Hector or Ephraim or something.
Sapphire: *glee*
Golem: What about me? I mean, aren't I Hector enough?
~hearty laughter by all~
Sapphire: Quick! We'll take this convenient manhole!
~they all get in the manhole~
Straw Man: Get him bear!
Bear: Huh? Me.
Lynel: No. Me, again.
Bear: Good. Because I'm looking for those jerks what did in my dad, Kaiser Bear IV.
Roy: *suddenly a gruff voice* That's me.
Kaiser Bear V: Liar.
Roy: No, really. My soul inhabited this pitiful body.
Kaiser Bear V: No! That's not true! That's impossible!
Roy: *suddenly in Uruguay's voice* Insolent fool, I used up all the Star Wars quotes in GMOG2! *wrestles Kaiser Bear V down*
Straw Man: Well, I think that was a successful campaign speech. Come my adoring masses.
~the side kicks all look blankly~
Straw Man: Well, you want to beat your old bosses right?
~the sidekicks all look at the ground~
Slort: Igbay.
Dodo: Yeah, we just wanted you know... a raise, dental, maybe vacation pay. Not you know, revenge or anything.
Rhyk: I did.
Straw Man: I'm shocked and horrified. But that's okay, because you're going to do it anyways.
~ROB sets an arm on Dodo and Slort~
Dodo: I thought you were wrestling Vorpal still.
ROB: I_HAVE_BEEN_LEFT_OUT_FOR_THREE_POST. WHAT_DID_YOU_EXPECT_TO_HAPPEN?
Slort: Ugno. *shrugs, or tries, but doesn't have shoulders, so nothing happens and he feels rather silly*
Dodo: I'm going to assume you're saying 'That makes no sense'. In which case I agree.
Straw Man: So what says you?
Dodo: Fine.
Slort: Igbay.
~MEANWHILE~
Vorpal: Way to go, Sapphire. What a wonderful smell you've found.
Sapphire: Shut up.
Vorpal: *lights up sword*
Luigi: WATCH OUT!
~the fire causes rats to start scurrying around all over them~
Masamune: I already tried that!
Sapphire: Would you knock it off, you're going to get us the Blubonic Plague this way!
Vorpal: Well excuse me, Princess.
Golem: Guys, seriously. We used up all the Star Wars quotes. And I don't wanna be Chewie.
Masamune: Okay, fine. Using my ultra pirate senses, I will lead us out.
Luigi: Pirate senses?
Masamune: *scoffs* YES. Everyone knows that pirates have an extra sense for direction. How else do pirates find their way around?
Luigi: Then why does Dodo always have a compass?
Masamune: How about SHUT UP. This way. *starts walking the wrong way*
Author: Golem[edit]
Sapphire: This is the way we came. I think that's the manhole we went down.
Masamune: Of course not. This manhole up ahead ought to do the job.
~Masamune climbs up a ladder leading to a manhole cover. Everyone else starts inching away from the ladder.~
Masamune: Fine, if you aren't following, I'll bring proof that this isn't where we were.
~On the topside, Masamune lifts up the manhole cover and sees a goomba a few inches from the manhole, facing away from it.~
Masamune: Aha. Just come with me for a short while to prove to the others I know where we are...
~Masamune snatches the goomba and slides down the ladder, trying to hold the goomba still as it struggles, and--in the process of landing--splashing water up onto everyone, including the goomba.~
Masamune: Now, so they won't be so hesitant, tell them where we are.
Vorpal: That's Goom!
~Masamune spins the goomba around so he can see its face.~
Masamune: So it is. Huh.
~Goom starts hacking. Not wanting himself any worse off, Masamune spins the goomba back around. Soon after, a full size goomba pops out of Goom's mouth. Golem runs in and catches the new goomba.~
Golem: ...Haven't you ever seen Gremlins?! They'll reproduce like mad if they get wet!
~Goom, still wet, starts hacking again.~
Masamune: Oh... oh no? What do I care? ~throws Goom down into the water~ They're not exactly ferocious. At worst they'll give us an OG about overpopulation of domestic animals.
~Now there are six goombas, and Masamune and Golem notice they're the only ones there.~
Luigi: ~far off in the sewer~ You guys coming or what? We've found a rally full of protagonists scared of the sidekicks!
Author: Luigi of the Pipes[edit]
Straw Man: We will hunt out your former masters and CRUSH them, once and for all!
Splog: Yeah! And Goomba Superiority!
~All turn to Splog.~
Splog: Sorry.
Ba: Pardon, Straw Man! My associate just disappeared into this manhole here!
ROB: MY_SENSORS_INDICATE_A_LARGE_GROUP_OF_PLUNGERHEADS. JUST_BELOW_THE_SURFACE.
Straw Man: To the center of the earth!
~The sidekicks start jumping into the manhole. A few, including (but not limited to) ROB, Pikachu, Rhyk, Lynel, Slort, Splog, Ba, Tamagon, Fred, and (just barely) Dodo slip in before Kaiser Bear V tries to go through and gets stuck.~
Straw Man: Peaches! To another holeman!
Kaiser Bear V: ~after everyone has left~ Hey, um... UGH! ~smashes through the concrete with his fists and falls in as well~
***
Golem: What is this?
~Golem and Masamune enter a wide catacomb, filled with heroes and villains.~
Golem: Giovanni? Dark Ditto? What are they doing here?
Masamune: Even villains can have sidekicks.
Golem: More like lackies...
~Dark Ditto steps to the center of the room and coughs loudly for attention.~
Dark Ditto: As you all know, your sidekicks have been rallied against you by the likes of Straw Man and the Carrotcake King. You also all know that your sidekicks are often the keys to your success, and you will simply collapse without them.
Vorpal: Not me!
Goom: I've tended your house for the last six years! I was the one who persuaded Kuria to show up and meet you when she did! I--
Vorpal: Do you hear something?
Masamune: No.
Dark Ditto: I, not having REAL sidekicks, am very willing to take you ALL on as my sidekicks.
All: ~frenzied declinations~
Dark Ditto: You weren't listening. By being my sidekicks, you will be the keys to MY success.
All: ~continued frenzied declinations~
Dark Ditto: I will openly admit that you are my betters.
All: ~gasp~
Golem: He's yankin' our chains!
Dark Ditto: I give my word.
Vorpal: Literally?
Dark Ditto: No, you buffoon.
Vorpal: Good enough for me.
Sapphire: You can't be serious!
Masamune: If it means gettin' revenge on that backstabber Dodo!
Luigi: The guy killed me.
Masamune: So?
Luigi: Good point.
Dark Ditto: All in favor of me leading you to victory over your traitorous apprentices?
All: AYE!
Sapphire: N-- oh, fine. Aye.
***
~Six hours later~
Dodo: I think we're lost.
Ba: Nonsense. Slort has been giving us directions.
Splog: Um... no. He's been singing to himself this whole time.
Ba: WE'RE LOST!!! ~runs around crying~ I WANT MY VORPAL!
Kaiser Bear V: ~slaps Ba across the face, which is also his body~ Pull yourself together! Vorpal will only bring you pain and neglect! We will find our way out of this!
Ba: Owwwwww.....
????: I'll find our way.
~A mysterious figure flies to the front. Only his eyes are visible, as well as feathery wings coming out of the sleeves of an oversized trenchcoat; the rest is covered by an equally oversized fedora. There is an obviously box-shape to the figure, though.~
????: I can sense him... ~flies away~
Author: GM[edit]
(While all this interesting stuff was going on, GM was in his apartment, playing his usual ungodly amount of hours of video games. His phone rang, so he paused and picked it up.)
GM: Hello?
Don Miguel: Hidy ho, Joe!
GM: Anything new?
Don Miguel: Well... Me and Jackie broke up.
GM: Yet another one?
Don Miguel: Yep.
GM: How'd it happen?
Don Miguel: Chairs.
GM: Chairs?
Don Miguel: We were playing musical chairs. There was one more there, I got it, she fell. She said I pushed her, which I didn't. You understand, I didn't.
GM: Okay.
Don Miguel: We started arguing and her brothers came. They took things the wrong way and started pushing me around. Luckily the Kenny came by and beat everyone unconscious with one of the chairs. So, what's new with you?
GM: Playing Halo.
Don Miguel: Really?
GM: It's okay. It was either this or Tales of Symphonia, but I heard the latter made you sterile, so I got Halo.
Don Miguel: I see... OH! Joe, where are you!?
GM: Um... Home.
Don Miguel: Where have you been!? The OG started nine posts ago!
GM: Really?
Don Miguel: Yeah! Those guys we met in GMOGIV, were on the run, because there's this big sidekick revolution going on, and their sidekicks turned against them!
GM: Uh huh.
Don Miguel: They teamed up with this group, lead by this evil guy named Dark Ditto, and now they're being lead by him against the sidekicks. Meanwhile, the sidekicks are being lead by a mysterious stranger!
GM: How do you know all this?
Don Miguel: Well, since I actually showed up in the OG, I had... ways of figuring out what's happening.
GM: So, are you part of this sidekick revolution?
Don Miguel: Of course not! I'm a partner, not a sidekick, right?
GM: ...
Don Miguel: Right?
GM: Oh, sure, sure.
Don Miguel: I think Zambi joined though.
GM: Zambi? He's a sidekick? I thought he was just... There?
Don Miguel: Well, the current Kaiser Bear, is also with them. He's a leader, so I'm not sure what he's doing there. He must have other motives.
GM: Uh huh. What about that android you built?
Don Miguel: Cobrax? He's guarding the perimeter of my house from rioters.
(An explosion is heard in the background.)
Don Miguel: There goes another one!
GM: Hmm.
Don Miguel: Anyway, aren't you going to help the others?
GM: I'm not sure. We got along fine in GMOGIV, but after I showed them the "Hot Cake" mod in Super Mario 64... Well, I don't think they're too happy with me. Especially MJ. Hell, I'm not happy with myself either, and I didn't even know what the mod was until I showed them.
Don Miguel: Right. Well, you better go help them get back on their sidekick's good sides or something.
GM: Right... How'll I do that.
Don Miguel: Cheesecake!
GM: ...
Don Miguel: I've got a magical cheesecake here! Give it to them, they'll know what to do. I hope.
GM: Okay, let me save and I'll be over there.
Author: SOAP[edit]
TLPJ: And we're back! And it seems we've managed to pick up a couple of lovely young ladies joining the cause.
Marin: Look! We're not Side Kicks! We're just in Not Rocketsville because we heard of they were opening a Rue 21 around here. And besides! If anything MJ's the sidekick. I'm the eldest after all.
TLPJ: That's odd. According to our records, you're only eight months old.
Marin: I'm a clone.
TLPJ: Of a five year-old.
Marin: (Evil or Very Mad)
___________________
TLPJ: You're a lifelong friend of MJ's and even had a passing fling with him in your younger days. But ever since you've rejoined his side in the OG scene, he's flat out ignored you. It must really sting to be brushed off by an ex-love like that.
Tiffa: I wonder what Cobrax is doing right now.
TLPJ: I'm sure he's thinking of you.
Tiffa: Really!? You think!? Oh my Ra! Do you think he can see me on TV? Hi Cobbie! Oh I hope I look good! DAMN THIS WEAVE IS ITCHY!
TLPJ: ^^" Surely there's other things you can talk about besides this "Cobrax" fellow. Tell us about your former relationship with MJ. What was that like?
Tiffa: Well the sex was good. I mean, it wasn't anything to write home about though... But Cobrax! That man looked like he was hiding a fire hose in those trunks.
(The Lovely Peter Jennings turns to camera does the "cut" signal.)
___________________
TLPJ: What do you mean you can't find our third quest! Who do you lose a mermaid with a friggin' infant in this town!!? I don't care if she has legs, she sticks out like a black at a country club! Wait... we're still on? How could you NOT tell me we're still on!? We better not be Live.
(Meanwhile... In a bookstore in Not Rocketsville.)
Brother Bob: I'm telling you! You better take these books off the shelf. It's offensive material and I don't want the people of this town to be reading this garbage.
Store Clerk: And I'm telling you I'm not taking it off the self. Straw Man is a visionary! It's an honor to have his books on our shelves.
Brother Bob: Sidekicks shouldn't have rights. It's against the will of God!
Store Clerk: Oh please! When did God ever say that?
(Andi, who was eavesdropping on the whole conversation suddenly notices some books on a table with Straw Man on the cover. As she reaches over to pick one up she accidentally knocks the whole table over, alerting Brother Bob and the store clerk to her presence. She gets up nervously and holds the book close to her chest.)
Brother Bob: Lady, do you know what you're holding in your hands?
Andi: It's just a book...
Brother Bob: That book is full of lies and deception. It will surely bring all those who read it to the fiery depths of hell!
(Just the, Urchin starts sobbing. Andi rushes over to the stroller and tends to her baby.)
Brother Bob: Is that your child?
Andi: Yes. Yes he is.
Brother Bob: That thing! Is an abomination!
(Brother Bob raises his hand in anger but a sharp pain shooting through his body causes him to stumble and double over. He grabs his trobbing head and backs away from the mother and child but the pain persisted and intensified. Then the windows suddenly blasted open one by one and sprinklers all went off as a giant whirlwind books and glass surrounded them. And in the midst of all the chaos Andi and Urchin seemed to be unaffected. Andi looks down at baby Urchin in her arms with a surprised look on her face.)
Andi: You're... you're doing all this?
(Urchin only smiles up at her innocently. Andi smiles back and the two headed through the freak storm, totally untouched by the bizarre weather.)
(Elsewhere, MJ was in the "Take on Me" video playing the role of the girl in the video.)
Mortan Harket: Talking away
I don't know what
I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
Today is not my day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?
Take on me (take on me)
take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two
(Midway through the song, MJ gets chased off by a couple of rotoscoped goons and crash lands through a wall back into normal reality.)
Andi: MJ!? Where the hell hell were you?
MJ: I DON'T KNOW!
Author: GORE-ILLA[edit]
*GORE slowly wakes up in bed.*
GORE: Ugh... what time is it? (looks at smashed alarm clock) Ocrapocrapocrap I'm late!
*GORE's rocket-feet propel him out of his bed and accidentally sets it on fire. He ignores it in his rush and quickly puts on his pants and shirt. Then he remembers that he doesn't wear clothes and eats them. He steps downstairs and quietly eats some bacon and eggs while his house burns around him. Then he goes to his coatrack, grabs his trenchcoat and hat, then steps out of his house as it collapses and continues burning while the fire spreads through the jungle. GORE quickly rushes through the jungle while he watches the news on the sidekick revolution on his built-in television.*
GORE: Aw man, they started the OG without me!
*GORE continues running through the blazing forest while firetrucks zoom past him.*
*Elsewhere, in a mysterious yet horrifying laboratory, an EVIL figure speaks to another figure.*
EVIL Scientist Dude: Lord Congo... rise.
Donkey Congo: What the hell? You said you'd give me mechanical enhancements! I look exactly the same!
EVIL Scientist Dude: Or DO YOU? Lift up your right hand and BEHOLD- the mechanical kneecap!
Donkey Congo: How the hell is that gonna help me?
EVIL Scientist Dude: (shrugs)
Donkey Kongo: Whatever. I don't need your help. I have the soul of a hunter. I will hunt down each and every last OGer and DESTROY them myselves. I must prove my honor after they humiliated me last time.
EVIL Scientist Dude: Hang on! I have the sudden urge to burst out with an exposition-filled speech on my evil plans! (It's a medical condition) As you know, I have put some thought into the prospect of ruling the world. A vision that may soon be a reality. While the nation is distracted by the sidekick revolution, it is the perfect time to strike! Absolutely perfect DON'T CORRECT ME! The only problem, as usual, lies in the OGers. They will do anything to stop the sidekick revolution and/or me! That is where you come in, Donkey Congo! (notices Donkey Congo had left a while ago) Nobody loves me.
Author: SOAP[edit]
Andi: Anyways, isn't there an OG we should be going to?
MJ: What is this "we" business? I'm going to go look for Mare and Tiffs. You're taking your pregnant ass back home. You can't go adventuring in your condition.
Andi: But I already gave birth.
MJ: Riiiiight. *leaves*
Andi: (Sweatdrop) Your dad needs to stop doing that...
Urchin: *coos*
___________________
(Elsewhere on the streets of Not Rocketsville.)
Marin: Well that was fun. What now?
Tiffa: Oh Great Goddess Hathor! A cat!
Alley Cat: Meow.
Marin: Yeah, so?
Tiffa: I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
Marin: You're allergic to cats?
Alley Cat: Meow.
Tiffa: *hisses*
Alley Cat: *hisses back*
Tiffa: EEK!
(Tiffa jumps straight into Marin's arm. Just then a gang of thungs start approaching them menacingly.)
Random Thug: Well well, what do we have here, boys?
Marin: Tch. I thought this was a clean city.
Random Thug 2: Hey! Those are the two hot mama's on TV.
Marin: Psh! I don't associate with delinquents.
Random Thug 3: Aw naw, baby girl. Why you have to be like that? We just wanna talk to ya.
Tiffa: *gets off* Oh Marin! Don't be so overdramatic. I'm pretty sure all they want is an autograph.
Marin: Tiffa. You've got alot to learn about earth. Let's get out of here before things get any more stupid.
(Marin seizes Tiffa by the wrist and looks for a way out of the alley. Quickly she spots their only exit.)
Marin: Aha! The Plot Hole!
Tiffa: Marin. That's a manhole.
Marin: Oh please! I'm the daughter of a world famous plumber. I can tell the difference between a plot hole and manhole. Now, we'll just take this Plot Hole and it'll safely spit us out to wherever the OGers are. Trust me. I've done this many times before.
(Marin jumps down into the sewers and Tiffa reluctantly follows.)
Tiffa: Ow! Is the fall supposed to be so rough?
Marin: No. But fortunately we landed on something soft.
Vorpal: I resent that!
Marin: *scrambles off* Ew! Vorpal!
Vorpal: Nice to see you too Mare.
(Vorpal turns to Tiffa who was still sitting ontop of him with the most innocent smile on her face.)
Vorpal: Who's your friend?
Tiffa: ^_^ My name's Tiffa! You're kinda cute.
Marin: *grabs Tiffa* Get off of him!!!
Author: Luigi of the Pipes[edit]
~Various klaxons go off.~
Giovanni: WHAT HAPPEN?!
Dark Ditto: It appears that some sidekicks have breached our inner sewers. From two directions. We need to dispose of them.
Marin/Tiffa: Um.
Dark Ditto: No, not you. ~mentally calculating~ Straw Man will be leading a group of sidekicks into the manhole at 10th Avenue. Roy is most likely leading the group that followed you nitwits in.
Golem: Hey!
Dark Ditto: Here are the plans, therefore...
***
Straw Man: At last! ~looks at manhole~ Everyone get out of there!
All: ???
Straw Man: JUST DO IT!
~The manhole cover turns into cheese and goes flying, crashing into several random sidekicks. All stare down it nervously, then Golem and Lupus come flying out and engage, followed by Luigi.~
***
~Roy and co. follow the mysterious figure through the sewers.~
Ba: Hey... does anyone else hear something?
Kaiser Bear V: Nyet.
Lynel: No.
Dodo: Nevermore.
Ba: Really, I know I hear...
~Headlights appear at the end of the tunnel.~
Ba: Oh cr--
~A car blazes forward, the horn blaring out the Super Mario Bros. theme. The sidekicks are plowed over by the car, most of them hanging on to the windshield and/or roof.~
Vorpal: Yee haw!
Sapphire: This is just stupid.
Masamune: I told you, we should've named this the S.S. Swordefeller II.
Vorpal: And I told YOU that I like the General Zarrier.
Masamune: But you get to drive it.
Vorpal: Because your license is six-hundred years expired.
Sapphire: I can't believe I'm even--
Masamune: Hey! Why aren't you wearing those clothes?
Sapphire: You're kidding, right?
Masamune: It sets the scene!
Vorpal: Speaking of scenes...
~The General Zarrier crashes through a wall and into a subway terminal, then drives up the stairs and onto the road.~
Vorpal: Didn't know that was there...
~The car swerves through traffic at crazy speeds. Kaiser Bear V's grip releases, and he falls back, his claws slashing through a tree trunk. The trunk falls on his head.~
Kaiser Bear V: Rrgh... YOU JUST MADE ME ASSASSINATE A TREE! ~gets on all fours and runs after them~
~Dodo grabs the rear bumper of the car in his talons and starts flying in the opposite direction, to little effect. Ba pokes his head in Masamune's window.~
Ba: Just wanted to say that you're a lousy employer, Masamune.
Vorpal: WHAT?!
Masamune: Um...
Vorpal: YOU STOLE MY SIDEKICK?!
~Vorpal stares at Masamune, completely ignoring the road.~
Masamune: Vorpal... Vorpal. Watch the road.
Vorpal: ~stares~
Masamune: Seriously, watch the road.
Vorpal: ~stares~
Sapphire: Oh god...
Masamune: VORPAL!
~Vorpal swerves the car at the last second, avoiding a gas tanker. The tanker flips anyway and explodes, just so the car has something dramatic to drive away from.~
Vorpal: You stole my sidekick!
Masamune: You didn't even use him anymore!
Ba: USE ME?!
Masamune: Shut up! ~punches Ba off the car~
Vorpal: STRIKE MY SIDEKICK, WILL YOU!?
~Vorpal slaps at Masamune with his free hand. Masamune tries to grab the wheel. Sapphire curls up into a ball in the back.~
Vorpal: APOLOGIZE!
Masamune: Are you even paying attention to where we're going?!
Vorpal: APOLOGIZE!!!
Masamune: No!
Sapphire: APOLOGIZE!
Masamune: Stay out of this!
Vorpal: MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH GOD, MASAMUNE!
~The General Zarrier drives up the side of a bridge and goes flying. Scream. Scream. Scream. Scream. The car lands, rolls over fifteen times, and lands roof down in front of a VERY LONG line of traffic.~
Vorpal: Maybe I overdid it.
Sapphire: (Evil or Very Mad)
Masamune: Well, if this was Burnout 2, we'd get like $25,000,000 in damage points, so...
All: AAAAAAAAAAH!
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